Hello everyone,

I will warn you upfront that my English isn't the best there is, but i've been walking around with this problem for 16 years now, i'm a 20 year old boy ( that wishes she was a girl ).
I don't really know how to bring this problem but i'll give it my best shot, also i don't know if this is the correct place to post this, i'm sorry if it isn't but i'm really hopeless at this moment.

Ok so like i said in the intro, i'm a 20 year old boy / guy, i'm engaged for 4 years now with my girlfriend, first of all, i am NOT physically attracted to her ( I will come back to this later )
As long as i can remember i've always wanted to be female, i always called myself "My mothers daughter" but when i became a little older, my parents devorced and i've started to build a wall around me so noone could see my emotions, i have been living like this untill i was 16 years old, in those times i did allot of crossdressing aswell, as a kid i've always worn my sisters clothes, i wore them in public and i even wore her swimsuits in public aswell, since i still was a kid i never bothered what others thought about it, my mother never thought it was strange, she thought that it was something kids did from time to time, but as soon as they devorced, i stopped doing that.
This always made me NOT go to school, they always thought i had mental problems, but they never found out what, i did know that i had them when i was around 6 years old already, but since my parents devorced, i couldn't tell anyone and i didn't share anything with other people.

I've never had male friends in my life, only the ones that i started to learn over the internet, now the girls that i met over the years were a big support for me, i could talk with everything about them, untill i went to college, i forced myself to do the same education as my brother involving computers and nothing else, offcourse we never had female students here and i didn't have any friends at all, which resulted in no support for me, in this period i've been in the hospital twice, once because i slit my wrists but they were just in time and another time because i overdosed my mothers medicines. now about three months ago, i've started seeing a professional on this subject, he is a big support for me, but i have no idea what to do, whenever i ask myself what i want my mind and body screams that i am supposed to be a girl named Michelle ( that's why the name ) but on the other hand, my girlfriend would never accept the real me, and i don't wanna hurt her, so i'm soo clueless what to do and i'm feeling so depressed,
and i would like to talk with some people that know about this problem and might have experiences it in aswell.

I'm sorry for the zero punctuation, but i havent slepped for 48 hours now and i've got to go to college in a few hours

once again, i just don't know what to do and if you want any more information, i will check on this website for about every hour, once again, i'm sorry if it is posted in the wrong section but i just don't know what to do

( sorry for the short information, it was typed very fast )

Edit: i will try to make a longer version when it's not 04:00 AM
i am just very tired.

Hi Michelle,

Welcome to our little family. Over 4300 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  

Hugs and Love,
Janet

Thanks for the reply and i will surely read up on the links

And I would say to go to bed.  I know what it is like to be up that long.

I'm playing a very stupid game to get away from reality whenever i go to bed i only got 1 thing stuck in my mind, and i don't want that, whenever i go to bed i will dream beeing female and when i wake up it's just another dissapointment

I have that same dream.  and I don't want to wake up

Neither do i last time i dreamed, i went shopping with some girls, and when i woke up i felled so down

i have no idea of what to do

One day at a time.  One step at a time. 

i wish my girlfriend was here so i could steal her clothes and dress up :<  would atleast comfort me a bit, but i guess you are right

it's nice to have a talk with someone

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Post Merge: March 16, 2010, 10:35:46 PM

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but i do feel bad i lost about 30 kilo's in 3 months now, i used to be 98 kilos ( i'm 1meter 92 and i hate it ) but i'm at 70 now :< it's not healthy

You should try our chat, many of us are there.  And I take it that she does not live with you.

Nope, she doesn't and what chat by the way? i would love to chat a bit ( i'm new here sorry )

Up at the top of the page you will see 'Chat".  click and follow the directions

Quote from: Michelle^^ on March 16, 2010, 10:34:02 PM
but i do feel bad i lost about 66 lbs in 3 months now, i used to be 216lbs ( i'm 6'2" and i hate it ) but i'm at 154 [lbs] now :< it's not healthy

^ changed to normal US notation so that more American's get it.
Damn, that a pretty low weight for someone so tall. You can't be feeling well loosing that much in such a short amount of time. Do any of your clothes still fit? In any case welcome to the forums

Thanks Hikari, no i don't have any clothes i still fit, i do steal my girlfriends clothes from time to time, they do fit, but it's not something i can wear in public

Actually, 192 cms is more like 6'4", so I totally understand how self-conscious you must feel about your height, Michelle. But 70kg is still (just) a healthy weight, although very slim indeed. I'd be concerned if you lost any more weight, but you're not within a dangerous/anorexic range at the moment. Where you are at risk is your state-of-mind. First, you should know that everyone here feels for you, wants the best for you and knows how you feel. Round here, sweetie, you're normal!! Second, you should try and seek help from a doctor and/or a qualified health professional. I can't see your message right now (on an iPhone) but from your metric measurements I'm guessing you're in Europe. So you should have access to free health care. Use it! And thirdly - but not till you're strong enough - tell your fiancee the truth about yourself. As so many of us can testify, it becomes impossible to live a lie in a marriage and it is terribly cruel and unfair to our wives, as well as ourselves even to try.

Wishing you all the luck and happiness in the world in your journey to your true self ... xx

Thanks for all the response, im actually feeling a bit better

i've just woke up and i should head to college but i dont dare to
i did have a great dream tuis night though, it's the hairstyling dream, i love ny hair xD but i did get interupted allot by phonecalls that woke me up sonthat was rather sad.

Anywho my girlfriend / feyonce ( dnno how to type it ) wants to live together with me even though i told her about my problem and i dnno what to do, i dont wanna make her Sad but i Will in the end anyway well time to shape up And go to college! ill be here this evening again,
Just hate beeing forced to be male in this damn society

Michelle.

This is what I will suggest, for what it's worth.

Tell your therapist. I really don't know how they will react. but until you discuss this, fully, neither do you. There is a way out of this for you and everyone else. It's called Gender Reassignment Surgery. It works.

Tell your girl friend. If you do intend to marry her, then she has a right to know. If you marry her and don't tell her you are living a lie, to her and yourself. You marriage will fail anyway.

Where can i find imformation about gender reassigmeny surgery? And thanks for The response i didnt go to college

This section is a place to start.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,50.0.html

But the best thing to do is read some of the stuff there and ask questions. Lots of people here know loads and will be happy to help and advise.

Thanks for helping out it's 3pm here now so i should finally get out of bed

edit: well i finally got out of bed, which was followed by quite a long discussion with my mother ( she knows about my issue ) and well, it turns out whatever choice i make, she will support me it makes me quite happy atleast

Also i will have to be serious against my girlfriend because it wont work out like this and we're both just wasting time if we continue this relationship without she accepting who i am, if she doesn't want to accept me, it's her loss but eventually i have to do what makes me happy

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Post Merge: March 17, 2010, 06:13:12 PM

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I must say i love the support i got from the chat

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Post Merge: March 18, 2010, 06:32:46 AM

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Okey, im at college at this moment and i told two of my fellow studente and they didnt see it coming at all, it made me
quite happy, no more mask at college, Will
make THE last year allot easier, really!!! And i got THE courage from THE chat on this website thanks everyone ^^ really!