AKA, the post where I ask a lot of questions and come off as much more insecure than I usually do.
So, hi everyone. I'm new to the forum, I found some threads on this site while surfing the net, and figured I'd join and get to talk to some people, maybe get some advice.
I guess what I really need is just to figure out who I am. (Hopefully I'm posting in the right section.) I'm not really sure if I'm transgender, or androgyne, or just a tomboy. I haven't talked to anyone in real life, not because I don't think my parents would be supportive, but mainly because I don't really want to start telling people things until I've really figured out for myself who I am.
I'm biologically a girl. I've been a tomboy most of my life, and I've always in a sort of vague, on-and-off way wished for a boy's body. The thing is, I don't really identify entirely as a male, but I certainly don't fit into the 'normal' idea of a girl. I dress somewhat as a boy, perhaps somewhat androgenously. Occasionally I go as a boy on the internet, and often I feel more relaxed that way.
Another thing I do is create these characters. I read and watch movies a lot, and I'm always creating and drawing characters that fit into various 'worlds' and represent me. I feel that these characters give a pretty good indicator of my self. Sometimes I look back over my sketchbooks and notes, and what strikes me is that at least two thirds of my characters are male, and the rest are girls who dress and act as boys.
I guess the easiest way to explain myself would be on two different scales:
Mentally, I'd put myself about halfway between male and female. I suppose I maybe identify more with guys, but I don't possess some mental qualities of males- I'm certainly of the opinion that the brains of males and females work differently. Most notably in my opinion, the average guy is more reckless, perhaps not exactly having less common sense, but more likely to act on an idea without properly thinking it through, or generally just do/express without putting much thought into it. Girls I would say are more reserved, worry more about their actions, and are probably less genuine than guys most of the time.
Obviously, this is not definitive, but with this as my guide, I'd say while I posses many more male mannerisms, I tend to (over)think things more the way a girl does.
The other scale I place myself on is my body, or at least, what I'd like my body to be. In general, I really dislike having a female body. Not so much in a self-image, "I'm too fat/skinny/not pretty" way, but a "this is a really inconvenient shape for my body to be". On this scale, I'd place myself further toward the male end. Female bodies are annoying, which is one thing I've never had any doubts of my opinion on. Apart from the whole boobs issue, (annoying!) I really hate having a body that guarantees me to be slower and weaker than any guy, at least who puts in the same level of work into being fit. It's not so much that I really care about my athletic ability, it's just policy, my body is badly designed. The only justification nature has for it is that it's made for having babies. Oh, great. That makes me feel much better. Hah. Not.
But then, on the other had, I don't really want male genitalia, so I guess I don't entirely want a male body.
Which really brings me to my next insecurity, which is sex, and my overall lack of interest in it. For a while, I figured this was just me not fitting in with the crowd as usual. For a while I thought I was maybe lesbian, but I'm really not attracted to women. I just don't really have any desire at all to have sex, and I don't really know how normal that is for my age.
Anyway, that was a really long explanation of myself, but everything is so bloody complicated. I could probably go on for a another 5 paragraphs, but I'm thinking I should post this before I loose my nerve. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for, but it seemed like this was as good a place as any to get advice. I suppose what I'd like to know is when most people sort out their own issues of this sort. Sometimes I hear about transgendered kids who identify with the other gender at really young ages, if I am transgendered, would it be really obvious to me? I wonder if because I'm unsure that means that I'm not, but I don't really know.
Thanks.
