"I see a Male in the mirror" is what I tell myself..*rant*

[Walter]

Looking at the two mirror topics that was made for the guys and the girls, I was reminded of how I deal with the mirror situation. This is a rant..I'm sorry

I'll start off by saying that I cannot pass. Even when I put on my tightest sports bra and try to present as Male as I can, I fail. I'm always called "miss, lady, ect". Once in a great while someone will call me by something Male related like a "sir" or something. I've come to learn that I guess it depends on the person on what they see me as. To me, I look at least a little Androgynous. I don't look as Masculine as I wish, but I can't really do anything about that right now. My voice is like my appearance. Semi-Androgynous leaning towards the Feminine side.

That being said, I can't successfully pass. I tend not to even when I try.

It hurts me a little each time I'm told "she, lady, miss" or something along those lines.

When I look in the mirror to clean my pierced ears, wash my face, or something I always get a weird feeling when I look at myself. It's not exactly a feeling of disliking my appearance or liking my appearance. It's just...I don't look Male. I don't look anything like one. I just feel a mixture of emotions when I see myself in a mirror. I especially don't like looking at full body mirrors because of being over-weight. If I wasn't overweight, I don't know what I would feel. But until I lose weight, I feel sort of disgusted by my body. I don't really care what's (not) between my legs, I just care about how Masculine I wish I looked. For the time I've been living as Male, I've never really cared for my not so Masculine body but lately it's greatly starting to bother me...I wish I had a Male chest. I wish I had a Male voice.

When I look in a mirror of any size or sort, I just tell myself "I see a Male there. I don't see a Female" but the truth is that I'm just telling myself that so it can dull the pain of not seeing the Male. I see an overweight non-attractive tomboy Female. It hurts so much to say that to myself.

I've been trying to come out to my mom about being transgendered and I can't really understand if she's trying to accept it or not. I think that she thinks that this is all a play-pretend thing. In other words, I don't think she takes it seriously.

I just would give anything to confidently look in the mirror and say "That's a Male".

I have been thinking lately on what if I lived my life as Female. I can tell right now that I would live it fine, but I would be miserable on the inside. I might be able to put on a happy persona for everyone else, but on the inside I would be suffering. I wouldn't be happy at all....but if I continued living as Male, I would be the happiest I would ever be. I would choose to live as Female as in hopes of maybe dulling the Male feelings and just trying to live a "normal" life. I can't do anything right now to further my transition since I still live with my family. My mother and brother probably wouldn't care if I took T, but since I live with my dad I mean...how could I hide taking T from him? My voice would be getting deeper, I would probably be growing facial hair (that might would be easier to cover) and other stuff, but the voice....I don't think I could hide...could I? My dad would never be accepting of me being Male. I said the same thing about my mom but he is a completely different story...

I'm sorry I ranted for so long...I'm sitting here remembering that my "monthly" started today and I'm listening to the beginning of Quote by Evans Blue on loop. For some reason, this song makes me feel Masculine.

The past few days I've been fighting my own battles over gender and religion. I've been in so much emotional pain I just can't find a relief. It just never stops....Why would God hate me if I lived as Male if I lived so happily? Would God hate me if I took T and maybe got top surgery? But I would be so happy...

Now I'm typing my thoughts...I'm sorry for dragging this on. Kudos to anyone who actually read all of this rant

[Silver]

 

I sympathise. Well, your only hope of T at the moment:
Illegal route (not recommended)
Continue to press the issue with your parents and hope for the best

I wish I could help you somehow, but I can't. Body angst = irritating. Irritation at body angst is irritating too, it's just a cycle of frustration. Good luck, if you think I'm worth talking to about anything feel free to PM.

[Walter]

I wouldn't go the illegal route. But I think my only hope for now is to hope that someday either I'll be able to start transition, or one day I'll snap back into being comfortable being Female

When I feel better, Silver, I may PM you if I haven't made myself go back to being Female by then

[Al James]

Zant, we're always here if you need to rant , God knows i've done enough of it in the past. We may not even have any answers but you know we'll always listen and someone will understand what your goiing thro. Good luck

[Walter]

Thank you, Al James :3

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Life is cruel. Why were we put in the wrong body? Was it some sick joke? Was it for a purpose? I personally don't believe in the Christian's god. I'm wiccan, leaning more towards just pagan. So I have my own beliefs on the matter.

As far as being set back by family issues and them not accepting it...this sounds cruel, but real family will love you no matter what. I lost alot of people when I transitioned, but I gained so much more in the family I found afterwards.

[Nemo]

God doesn't hate you. He won't if you stay female, He won't if you start on T. Anyone who tries to speak for Him by saying otherwise hasn't read their bible properly - it says in there many times about leaving the judgements to God.

The more I think about this, the more I feel He did this for a reason. What reason? Who knows. To test us? To let us live the wrong gender just so we can relate to women (or men, for MTFs) better, before letting us make the necessary changes? To test society? We could debate that for ages, but I certainly believe that if we feel the body given doesn't match our minds, He would want us to go about fixing that and will be with us every step of the way.

Hang in there mate

[Myself]

I am not religious. But if there is a God and if God created you then God would probably like you to be true to yourself.

Maybe people telling you God would hate you if you take T is a challenge? Why would God want you to be unhappy? Isn't what they teach at whatever religious you believe in is that you are supposed to be happy, honest, truthful, whole?

Are you going to live a lie or break free then?

This is what the non-religious person thinks.. (but I do have some experience with religious faiths) good luck
Post Merge: March 24, 2010, 01:27:42 PM
Nemo has some fair points.

Things like multi-culture, different races and colors.., gender and sexual differences.. they all start wars and end up bringing global unity.
On the long run, your step forward is the step for a better human race.

[fluffy jorgen]

I got kudos.

I know the feeling. It's like... not you even though it is you. I hope you cope with it better than I do.

In my opinion, God has little to do with it however I look at it...

[Matthew J. F]

I feel for you bro! I truly do.

I've been (still is) living a double life for the past 5++ years. It hurts knowing that I am inside of this unknown body that I'm not suppose to have in the first place.

I've been trying to persuade myself to tell my father about me living my life as a man and not as a woman. I think I need to tell him soon because he's giving me the hints that he wants to have some grand children (ugh).

As far as religion goes....
I took a photo of my back (Yeah I know, the middle of my hair doesn't look very neat, it's hard doing your own hair!) and edited it with some words that was floating through my mind back when I needed to do some venting

I was red because I just had finish doing some home style exercises, HOOOOOOOOOO! My goals is to get all buffed up


Here's some suggestions that I can give to you and please don't take it personal or the wrong way.

1. You should try to convince yourself about the idea of losing weight. It is the fundamental essentials to an overall mental and spiritual health. You will also look more masculine if you produced some muscles as a result. If you're unable to afford a Gym membership you can do the exercises at home at your own time.

Here's some youtube videos to look at

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Note: If you have a YMCA near your area they provide a financial assistance program for low income families... take an advantage of that idea and get going

2. It's hard to see from your avatar photo but you should try to change the style of your clothing and actual style. I understand that you want to dress Gothic style (I also dress Gothic sometimes) but sometimes you need to sacrifice something to try to get a positive response.

How long is your hair? maybe shaving it would work...
Checkout my almost bald self :DD

I did all of this myself.


Before I had my spikes:


I currently have my spikes back but I am still experimenting on which hairstyle works for me.

Some people look good with hats while other don't. Don't shoot yourself in the foot just yet. It's going to be hard but eventually you will get somewhere.

By the way I am currently not on T at this time. I'm not seeing a therapist neither, like I should to be getting my man juice, heh!

I know exactly what you feel like man so don't feel alone.

[Walter]

Thanks for the videos, Matthew. I will check them out when I have the time.

As for changing my style, I don't think that would work. Because no matter how I dress, I look like a cross-dressing Female. The only one style I found that made me look half Androgynous was Goth.

And right now, there's no possible way I can cut my hair any shorter than it is (it's a little past my shoulders, and if it was cut any more than that, my dad would be furious). That's another thing I can't hide. I don't really want short hair anyway...but I know if I had short hair, I'd probably pass a lot more.

I'm just in a situation where I can't do anything to make myself look more Masculine. It's getting old...so old

And thank you again, Matthew. I don't feel alone :3