Did you know as a child?

[pebbles]

I didn't... I wasn't clearly dysphoric before age 11.
While I say I didn't
I have memories and I've been told stories about me as a child which seem unusual for a male child to do but for all of those times I can't remember what I was thinking or motivation when I did them and surely I would have a clue if it happened so many times.

I was raised in a rather gender neutral environment and I did both male and female typical things. All in all tho I think I slanted towards the male side behaviourally and you know I was happy enough like that.

The earliest of these is actually before my ability to recall... My mother told me this.
I was about 3 my sister was 1 apparently my sister got her first dolly and a pair of jelly girly sandals... Apparently I was crushed that I wasn't allowed to be part of the experience and didn't get to pick one myself I cried for days until my mother relented and got me some shoes like that and a dolly but she insisted that the colour schema be baby blue.

Some time later on holiday my hair got long and another boy asked me if I was a girl or a boy and I said Girl I spoke to him abit and hung around with him for alittle bit I have no idea why I said it or didn't correct it I can't explain my motivation. I certainly reacted badly when mother would try to cut my hair because I wanted it long... Again I don't know to what ends or why.
I also remember trying on my mothers shoes and jewellery but there could be any multitude of explanations for that. I remember my mother seeing me with one of her skirts and tights on and she wasn't best pleased. She asked angrily "So what your a girl now?" And I just knew from her tone I did wrong.

Although when I put these things here it seems obvious and there are more events that I've not put in. but it wasn't clear the rest of the time I was a typical boy.

[Rock_chick]

Not on a conscious level that's certain. Though there are some memories that viewed with hind sight make me wonder. I think at the age of five I demand to have ballet lessons...but then prompltly proceeded to stomp around like a dinosaur (even then I was avante garde hehe) and I really hated having my hair cut. Actual feeling of dysphoria that i was aware of didn't hit untill about the age of 11 though...

[Nathan.]

I've always felt like a boy but didn't feel wrong until puberty I think that's because I was never forced to be a little girl like play with barbies and wear dresses so it didn't bother me, I dressed in gender neutral clothing and had an action man. Like pebbles I grew up in a gender neutral environment.

For a while I actually thought that I would grow into a man, I thought that my penis would grow later, it wasn't till a school friend showed me his that I realised that boys my age already had theirs.

It wasn't till puberty hit that I got really dysphoric.

[Papillon]

I wouldn't say that I have always felt in the wrong body, just that other people seemed to think my preferences were odd (male friends, liking toys cars and action figures, refusing point blank to wear skirts and dresses).  This was apparent from my earliest memories.  I just thought that everyone must feel that way but kept it quiet, for the sake of conformity (and to avoid the apparently pejorative term "tomboy". I stil hate that.  Grrrr!). 

Then puberty arrived and I HATED my body and what it was becoming.  From then onwards, I realised that I had almost a "memory" of having a male body that my burgeoning woman's body was progressively moving further away from.  I think it was then the sense of "being in the wrong body" first occured to me.

I still have that sense of a memory of having had a male body before.  For examnple, I am still caught unawares by the fact that I have breasts, even though I have breastfed two children!  And I miss not having a penis, even though I have never had one.  Weird!

[Zack]

I've known since I was about 5. I remember sitting in the bath and knowing something was wrong from a very early age. I also used to stuff things down my pants which my Mum knew about & so then started the comments of 'don't ever turn into a boy' which she still sometimes says now. I really did believe I'd grow up to be a boy. Which made puberty even worse.

[Julie Marie]

So I wonder what experiences others may have had?

As far back as I can remember I wanted to be a girl.  There was a time I thought one day I was a girl, the next a boy.  I so looked forward to waking up a girl, but it never happened (at least not until much later!)

There was something I can't seem to put in words.  While I knew I wanted to be a girl, I think I also knew I was, at least my brain was.  When I think back when I was little, there was never a time when I thought I was a boy.  I knew I was supposed to act like one but I knew it was just an act.

There was a lot of subconscious stuff that I was aware of but I never really explored.  It's kind of like looking across a river at the people on the other side and watching them in their everyday lives.  I wanted to be there but I couldn't cross the river without taking a huge risk.  So I watched and dreamed of what life would be like.  But I always knew I belonged on the other side.

[Jasmine.m]

Thanks for all the wonderful responses so far!!

I guess my feelings of being a girl began long before puberty. I was just so confused about things. When my mom married my step-day I was around six. I was soooo jealous that my sister got to be the flower girl and wear a pretty dress while I had to be the ring bearer and wear a lame suit. Another example was beards. I just couldn't for the life of me figure out why some men had them and some didn't; all I knew was that I was *certain* I didn't want one!!

Even after I had been caught many, many times (and punished harshly) for wearing my sisters clothes, and having learned that I was indeed a boy, I still continued to believe that I would grow up to be a woman. I guess that is dysphoria...

Then puberty started and things got *really* confusing!!

[FairyGirl]

As far back as I can remember I wanted to be a girl.  There was a time I thought one day I was a girl, the next a boy.  I so looked forward to waking up a girl, but it never happened (at least not until much later!)

There was something I can't seem to put in words.  While I knew I wanted to be a girl, I think I also knew I was, at least my brain was.  When I think back when I was little, there was never a time when I thought I was a boy.  I knew I was supposed to act like one but I knew it was just an act.

There was a lot of subconscious stuff that I was aware of but I never really explored.  It's kind of like looking across a river at the people on the other side and watching them in their everyday lives.  I wanted to be there but I couldn't cross the river without taking a huge risk.  So I watched and dreamed of what life would be like.  But I always knew I belonged on the other side.

That's beautiful Julie, and puts into words a lot my same experience. I just remember it actually hurting so bad when my parents would continually keep reinforcing to me that I was a "boy" when I didn't feel like a boy, or didn't feel like I fit that description. My best friends got to be girls, why couldn't I?

[aydan_boy]

When i was 7, I use to dress in my boy parka, and snow pants, and pretend to be Christopher, my half brother. People would believe me. I felt so happy when they took me as a boy. It was like my own personal little high. I used to steal my ex-stepdads clothing and wear it to school. I looked like a freak, wearing mens clothing big enough for me to drown in. I never thought myself as a boy or girl though. I think i was kinda androgyne until i hit puberty. I was the first in my class to get Moobs (OH THE HORROR), and the first to get the red death. I was completely messed up and went into a kinda depression.I'm still kinda in it, 'cept now I'm angry. I hated my body. One time i slashed my wrists in an attempt to kill myself. I didn't cut deep enough though, so the only one who knew was me. I relized there was something really wrong with my mind set, and tried to figure out why i hated what i looked like, what i was called so much. Thats when i relized. The end.

[Kristyn]

I knew something was different, but I denied it.  Both grandmothers would always call me a little girl, my grandmothers boyfriend always said I looked like a girl and compared me to one of my cousins.  This confused me as I was born a boy, I was not a girl.  I went into denial and began to disassociate myself from family and others.  During family outings--beach, picnics--my mother would always take me to the washroom and change rooms--ladies of course.  I began cross dressing around four.  I recall when my parents bought me a little boys suit, I hated it and never wanted to wear it.  I never wanted to play with other boys and I hated sports and everything that boys liked.  My earliest childhood aquaintances when I started school were girls--I couldn't relate to boys, but I was forced to play with boys.  I began experimenting with makeup around 11 and went out cross dressed walking in the neighborhood when I was 12 or 13.  I hated being a boy, I hated being a teenager, I hated being a man.  What's more, I hate the fact that I have to violate my body in such a fashion (grs) in order to have somewhat of a normal life

[Northern Jane]

From before I can remember, I always identified as a girl, played with other girls, and thought boys were crude and obnoxious! 

It wasn't until about age 8 that I realized I had a serious problem but, in those days, there wasn't even a word for it. From 8 to 16, I didn't know what the @$# I was. I was 16 when Dr. Benjamin's book came out and I figured it out.

Pretty much everyone had it figured out when I was a child but nobody quite knew what it was.

[insanitylives]

I thought i was an alien, or at least part alien. No joke, legitimately convinced that I felt so weird was because i wasn't human.

doesn't help that my father can be abusive, so I spent a few years completely afraid of all guys before finally realizing that gender =/= personality/->-bleeped-<-ishness [few things i'd, uh, rather not talk about.]

[MillieB]

Remeber wanting to be just like my best friend (a girl) aged three. Spent most of my childhood just happy being me, burst out crying when my mum wouldn't let me enter a talent competition to be in a musical production of 'Annie' explaining that it was just for girls, I think that was the point that I realised that being a boy would stop me being who I wanted to be. First saw something about transsexuals on TV, and just knew when I was 11. 27 years later, I'm about to start HRT, fast worker eh?

[Dana Lane]

I knew something was wrong most of my life but had no idea what it was. I finally figured it out a little over a year ago then all the pieces fell in place.

[cynthialee]

I knew something was wrong most of my life but had no idea what it was. I finally figured it out a little over a year ago then all the pieces fell in place.

I envy you this. I have known for so long and not being true to self has been a personaly inflicted hell of sorts.

[Nicky]

I did not know when I was kid, but I knew something was wrong. I felt so out of place in my earliest memories. I so wanted to do the things the girls did, but I did not think "i am a girl".

I always liked being nude so I never had the topless or not feeling. I still like going about the house topless.

I thought I was a cross dresser at 18, and just kept exploring from there over the last 14 years. I must be slow, it took me a long time to figure things out. It has all come together this year.

[Katelyn-W]

At about 8 years old I can remember starting realizing something wrong when it came to my gender. At around 10 is when I realized people wouldn't like me if I told them how I felt. At 12/13 is when I started researching how to transition/about transsexuals. The thought of telling something "I think I might be a TS", never really entered my head. I knew how they were treated, and I was scared of that. Even then I wasn't 100% sure what I was (or I told myself that), I just kept learning as much as I could.

Around 15-17 is when I started to accept that this is who I am. After graduating high school, is when I wanted to start transitioning, but I felt like killing myself more than anything , depression pretty much took hold of my life. I was depressed for pretty much the entirety of high school and maybe even before that, just was getting worse and worse, and I hit rock bottom (My depression for the most part was not related to GID, that's for another topic though ). Came out shortly after turning 19 to my therapist, (some point between these two things is when I started to feel better/happier) started HRT shortly after turning 20.

[Dana Lane]

I envy you this. I have known for so long and not being true to self has been a personaly inflicted hell of sorts.

Well, it wasn't an easy life. I have been alone for about 25 years and over the last decade became very conflicted with myself. I started creating art to try and make myself feel somewhat balanced. It helped a little but until I finally figured it out I wasn't really happy. now I am totally happy!

[Asfsd4214]

It depends on what you mean by 'know'.

I told a friend I wanted to be a girl when I was 5-7ish, I told my mother and some other people when I was 10ish, I told more people when I was 13ish, somewhere floating around I even have a girls diary from 1997ish (i'd have been 9 or 10) I got my mum to get me because I wanted so badly to be a girl, and it has been on my mind every year of my life that I can remember. But, it was only right around when I turned 20 that I realized I could have and should have transitioned. I had avoided thinking about it because it was too painful, and that cost me what I feel like was a lot of time (though certainly not as much as some).

So did I know as a child? In every meaningful way yes, but I didn't know I could ever do anything about it. I knew I wasn't a girl, I just knew I wanted to be and that deep down I felt like one.

[LordKAT]

I see Jenny and I aren't the only ones who honestly thought we were aliens.