Getting down to T time and having doubts

[jmaxley]

Talked to my therapist today...she said she'd look over my file and will possibly write my letter for T next week.  I'm really excited...but am having doubts.

Seeing how upset this is making my mom.  And the other day I found out she's told several other family members, which I really wasn't ready for, and I don't know how I will face them next time I see them.

Then thinking about everything that has to be done (exam of doom, learning to self-inject, name change, getting comfortable using the men's room), and all the ignorant comments I've been hearing from people around me.  And most everyone still refuses to use my male name and male pronouns, even my therapist!

Plus I'm going back to school, which will be stressful enough, and I want to go as male, then having to explain to the professors and hope they'll be willing to use my male name.  Argh.  I don't know if I can handle it.  The worst thing is seeing my mom so upset over this.  It's so ironic that something that makes me so happy makes her so upset and it's really taking the joy out of transitioning.  I'm just having a lot of doubts.

[Elijah3291]

ok, well I cant help you with advice for all of this.


BUT the thing about college and profs.. lemme tell you how it was for me at least.

I am pre T, just finished my first year of college, and my prof didnt care that I wanted to go by a totally guy name, they just went with it.. I came out to one teacher (human sexuality) and he ALWAYS called me he, mr., sir, and treated me male.  2 of my teachers kinda figured out i was trans and referred to me as he, and the other teachers just never called me he or she.. and I didnt tell them anything about it

and im in the south.. so i dont think you have to worry about it

[Arch]

It IS overwhelming. And it's normal to have doubts, apprehension, second thoughts.

I remember staring into the abyss of starting T, dealing with my ex, coming out at work, dealing with my students, changing my gender at work, deciding whether to bind (I still didn't, at that point), preparing for top surgery (and not being sure about that), knowing that I would be androgynous for however long it took, changing my license, changing my SSA info, taking care of less important things like Selective Service and my passport (might as well throw in everything so I can freak out properly), and all sorts of other crap that got piled onto the transwagon.

Whew!

I didn't deal with it all any too gracefully, but I know how I would handle it now. Now I would make a list of all of the things I am worried about, and categorize them. Legal things, social things, personal things. Some would be fears and some would be tasks; I would separate them. Some would involve talking to other people and some wouldn't; I would decide when the people-oriented ones might take place and jot down ideas for how to deal with them. Some would be things I can just go and do, and others would require multiple steps. The big tasks I would break down into little pieces; there might be several steps, but I'd try to make each step manageable. Some tasks would need to take place relatively soon, and some would have to wait; I would plot them out, month by month, and see that lots of things are pretty far in the future and don't need to be dealt with yet.

This sort of thing works for me because I can separate out simple fears from actual tasks, see everything that needs to be done, spread things out over time, and break things into small steps. And cross off each task when it's dealt with.

It can be done. You have to determined, and it sometimes helps to be very systematic. It also helps if you have support--even if it's just online support.

[sneakersjay]

It is overwhelming.  But the feeling is incredible when you are finally just YOU.


Jay

[Arch]

I'm sorry that your mother is having a hard time. It must be difficult for you to see that. But she has to learn how to deal with your situation. I'm not saying to be callous--give her all the love and support that you can--but remember that you have to do what's right for you. If T is right FOR YOU, then do it. If it's not, don't--or if it's too soon, you can always delay a little while. But if you do change your mind or delay, do it for reasons that YOU can live with.

[jmaxley]

Thanks guys.

I am pre T, just finished my first year of college, and my prof didnt care that I wanted to go by a totally guy name, they just went with it..

That's good to know, hopefully they'll be understanding.


Post Merge: June 29, 2010, 07:17:16 PM

Now I would make a list of all of the things I am worried about, and categorize them. Legal things, social things, personal things. Some would be fears and some would be tasks; I would separate them. Some would involve talking to other people and some wouldn't; I would decide when the people-oriented ones might take place and jot down ideas for how to deal with them. rt.

That's a great idea.  I'm a list maker so this would help.  The social aspect is one of the toughest things I'm dealing with.

I'm sorry that your mother is having a hard time. It must be difficult for you to see that. But she has to learn how to deal with your situation. I'm not saying to be callous--give her all the love and support that you can--but remember that you have to do what's right for you. If T is right FOR YOU, then do it. If it's not, don't--or if it's too soon, you can always delay a little while. But if you do change your mind or delay, do it for reasons that YOU can live with.

I'm trying to be patient.  She's avoiding the topic; whenever it comes up on the phone, suddenly she has to go.  I'm not sure whether to not bring it up or to try to get her to talk about it.
Post Merge: June 29, 2010, 08:18:24 PM

It is overwhelming.  But the feeling is incredible when you are finally just YOU.


Jay

I've been looking forward to T for sooooo long.  I can't believe I'm this close and having doubts now.   

[Britney♥Bieber]

Hey I added your lj and left you a comment! =D

But I don't really have anything to add but do what you feel you need to do. This is your life, not your moms.

[TheOtherSide]

I understand. I've been on T for 12 weeks now. I was scared at first because of my mother but I'm glad I started anyway. My mom is STILL having trouble wiht coping. I haven't been living with her. She wants me to move back home and go to school this fall. I'm willing to test it out. I don't think it will be bad... she's just in extreme denial. She completely acts like nothing is happening. It's strange... and slightly awkward. I've yet to endure the drama waiting for me once I move in with her, though. If I can do it, you can do it. You have to. Something has led you up to this point. Don't wait any longer because of anyone else. This is your existence.

[jmaxley]

My mom's in complete denial too. 

Also, my social life has gone down the drain.  None of my friends will hang out with me anymore.  One of them has told everyone I know about this.  Now people treat this like it's some sort of joke.  I wish I could move.   

[TheOtherSide]

My mom's in complete denial too. 

Also, my social life has gone down the drain.  None of my friends will hang out with me anymore.  One of them has told everyone I know about this.  Now people treat this like it's some sort of joke.  I wish I could move.   

seriously? Are you over 18 and are your friends over 18? I'm about to turn 21. Strangely I haven't had any problems with friends... even people I don't know want to get to know me now BECAUSE I'm trans. I guess I'm lucky. Go forward with this if it's how you feel inside. No matter how emotionally draining your situation is or what is will be - it will end. And you will be stronger. Take the chance. Enjoy the rough experience. If you knew you were going to die this weekend would you regret not transitioning because of OTHER people?

[gilligan]

Plus I'm going back to school, which will be stressful enough, and I want to go as male, then having to explain to the professors and hope they'll be willing to use my male name.  Argh.  I don't know if I can handle it.

college has been the best change for me. one time in a class the prof was having a discussion on how college isn't the 'real world'. You can get away with so much stuff that you wouldn't do in the real world, a couple of examples (at least in American culture) would be going barefoot to class, or wearing your pajamas all day (I've seen both things gotten away with at my college, but this discussion made it more profound). I haven't come out to any professors yet, but when the time comes for fall classes to start, I plan on emailing them saying "I'm trans, could you call me by my male name", that way i get called by my male name right from the beginning. It should work, at least since my college is very liberal.

[jmaxley]

I loved college when I went before.  I ended up having to drop out due to depression issues.  But it was great while I was there.   

seriously? Are you over 18 and are your friends over 18? I'm about to turn 21.

I'm in my thirties.  Most of my friends are a little older, there's a couple who are younger, in their twenties.

If you knew you were going to die this weekend would you regret not transitioning because of OTHER people?

Good point.  I think I would regret it if I didn't transition.

[Vancha]

I am nearly ready to get my T prescription, too, and I feel some apprehension and fear, as well.  It is just that the magnitude of this decision has finally truly hit me, and it can be overwhelming, I think.  Plus, having an unsupportive family can make things a thousand times more difficult.  I am lucky -- my family is supportive; I'm the one who has felt the shame and sadness, not them.  I think there have been some very insightful posts here already... What would you do if there was no one holding you back?  If you do not physically transition, how will you feel about your life in ten years?  Twenty years?  How would you feel looking back on your life when you're old if you did transition?  If you didn't?  This is your life, and you have to dig really deep and discover, at the core, what you truly want and need.

[M.Grimm]

Apprehension is understandable. This is something that causes a physical change that is mostly irreversible.

However, when I sat down and thought about this, I knew this was the only real choice for me. The idea of becoming a little old lady is horrifying to me; I would prefer death to that, and I don't say this lightly. It was when I realized that it was not becoming 'old' that I feared, it was becoming an 'old woman' that upset me.

[jmaxley]

If it wasn't for other people, I would do it in a heartbeat.  It's the social aspects of it that I'm having the most difficulty dealing with.

[Arch]

The idea of becoming a little old lady is horrifying to me; I would prefer death to that, and I don't say this lightly. It was when I realized that it was not becoming 'old' that I feared, it was becoming an 'old woman' that upset me.

How well I know this feeling.

I had just turned forty-four and was still denying my identity for all I was worth. One day at work, I left my office, went into the women's restroom, took a leak, and started to wash my hands. I looked into the mirror and noticed a few lines and one gray hair. Despite other people's belief that I was thirtyish, I saw that I was beginning to look my age. Hopelessly, I thought, "You're not just getting older, you're going to turn into an old WOMAN."

I only faced this bleak future for a moment before I went scuttling back into the closet, but the image of my reflection--and what it meant--kept haunting me. Every time the apparition rose up in my mind, I crushed it before it could influence me to leave my safe cocoon.

And then...I simply became too exhausted to continue.

I thank fortune that I did not have a limitless supply of psychological energy.

[jmaxley]

I've never thought about myself as old and what I'd look like.  Honestly, I never thought I would live as long as I have.

[Arch]

I've never thought about myself as old and what I'd look like.  Honestly, I never thought I would live as long as I have.

How come? In my clearer moments, I used to wonder how long I could live without killing myself. In my less clear moments, I usually just zombied along.

[jmaxley]

How come? In my clearer moments, I used to wonder how long I could live without killing myself. In my less clear moments, I usually just zombied along.

With the horrible depression I've had, I've spent years being right on the edge of killing myself.  I just try to make it from one birthday to the next.  There's been times I've checked myself into the hospital because I couldn't fight it anymore.  It has gotten much better lately but I still have episodes every now and then.

[Arch]

With the horrible depression I've had, I've spent years being right on the edge of killing myself.  I just try to make it from one birthday to the next.  There's been times I've checked myself into the hospital because I couldn't fight it anymore.  It has gotten much better lately but I still have episodes every now and then.

I hope transition helps you. It helped me.