Hello everyone,
I would like to introduce myself to you all. My name that I would like to go by is Deanna Michelle Starspear. It's my username on many sites plus a middle name I had been thinking about for a long time. It is this name that I would actually love to have in my real life.
Since the age of 12, I have felt that there was something different between the way I looked in the mirror, and the way I actually felt deep inside. I was born a male and raised as a male, but deep inside I felt more feminine. I therefore tried to express myself as that female by sneaking clothes from my sister and wearing them when no one was around and also engaging in activities that in my own opinion were more female oriented. The family that adopted me did their best to discourage this activity by almost forcing me to be more masculine. To this day, when the subject of my wanting to be a woman comes up, my mom still insists I was born a male and raised a male, and I, therefore, should act like one.
I just recently began to do research on why I am feeling the way I do (much in thanks to a friend I met on the virtual world of Second Life), and I came across pages upon pages of transgender and transsexual information. Armed with this information, I now know that I am indeed a bi transwoman. Still, I fear actually living this life outside of the internet for several reasons. The most important one is that I have a son I am trying to obtain full custody of from his birth mother, and if I were to live the life I truly wish, the court system of my state may in fact deem me unfit to be a full-time father to my son. Second, I have always done my best to fit in to society even if it meant putting up a male persona to hide what I really felt inside. I have done it so much, that everyone that knows me expects me to still do the things that please them, and every time I even try to do one or two things for myself, I am viewed as being selfish and not thinking of others. This is my second most important reason for being afraid to actually start the transition process. Of course the other reasons include such things as being shunned, deemed an outcast, hated, and perhaps even physical harm being done to me.
I have come to this site seeking information to share with my family members (both the ones that adopted me and my birth family that I had found at age 19), possible help in overcoming my fears in order to begin a successful transition, and a place to feel welcome. At this point, I have been trying to get my gay uncle to understand what I have learned, but he still insists that because of the transsexual of both his day and what is on television that all transsexuals wind up going only with men. He does not accept me as a transsexual only because I have attractions to both men and women. This is just one of the obstacles I face in the start of my journey towards transitioning from a male to a female.
Anyway, that's pretty much my introduction. If anyone has any other questions, feel free to contact me, and I will be most happy to answer any and all questions. Take care and be safe everyone.
