Hello everyone,
I would like to introduce myself to you all. My name that I would like to go by is Deanna Michelle Starspear. It's my username on many sites plus a middle name I had been thinking about for a long time. It is this name that I would actually love to have in my real life.
Since the age of 12, I have felt that there was something different between the way I looked in the mirror, and the way I actually felt deep inside. I was born a male and raised as a male, but deep inside I felt more feminine. I therefore tried to express myself as that female by sneaking clothes from my sister and wearing them when no one was around and also engaging in activities that in my own opinion were more female oriented. The family that adopted me did their best to discourage this activity by almost forcing me to be more masculine. To this day, when the subject of my wanting to be a woman comes up, my mom still insists I was born a male and raised a male, and I, therefore, should act like one.
I just recently began to do research on why I am feeling the way I do (much in thanks to a friend I met on the virtual world of Second Life), and I came across pages upon pages of transgender and transsexual information. Armed with this information, I now know that I am indeed a bi transwoman. Still, I fear actually living this life outside of the internet for several reasons. The most important one is that I have a son I am trying to obtain full custody of from his birth mother, and if I were to live the life I truly wish, the court system of my state may in fact deem me unfit to be a full-time father to my son. Second, I have always done my best to fit in to society even if it meant putting up a male persona to hide what I really felt inside. I have done it so much, that everyone that knows me expects me to still do the things that please them, and every time I even try to do one or two things for myself, I am viewed as being selfish and not thinking of others. This is my second most important reason for being afraid to actually start the transition process. Of course the other reasons include such things as being shunned, deemed an outcast, hated, and perhaps even physical harm being done to me.
I have come to this site seeking information to share with my family members (both the ones that adopted me and my birth family that I had found at age 19), possible help in overcoming my fears in order to begin a successful transition, and a place to feel welcome. At this point, I have been trying to get my gay uncle to understand what I have learned, but he still insists that because of the transsexual of both his day and what is on television that all transsexuals wind up going only with men. He does not accept me as a transsexual only because I have attractions to both men and women. This is just one of the obstacles I face in the start of my journey towards transitioning from a male to a female.
Anyway, that's pretty much my introduction. If anyone has any other questions, feel free to contact me, and I will be most happy to answer any and all questions. Take care and be safe everyone.

Your Unkle doesnt know anything. I am a bisexual transwoman myself.

Welcome to the group.

Hello.

Second Life is so boring to me, I don't understand the appeal at all!

Quote from: cynthialee on July 07, 2010, 06:24:39 PM
Your Unkle doesnt know anything. I am a bisexual transwoman myself.

Welcome to the group.

Thank you. It's just he likes to think he knows everything, and with him it's what he thinks he knows usually goes and nothing can change his mind. Even though I mostly let it go in one ear and out the other, I still consider his not seeing me as what I know myself to be as an obstacle because I live with him, and also I feel that if I can't get him to accept me, then no one else in either family will either.

The only person in this world who's acceptance you truely need is yourself.

Quote from: cynthialee on July 07, 2010, 06:41:43 PM
The only person in this world who's acceptance you truely need is yourself.

  I want to accept myself, and deep down I do. It's just all my life, I never really focused on just accepting myself because I was more focused on being what everyone else wanted me to be to make others happy even when I myself was not. However, I realize now that all this has done is caused severe depression on my part, and now I want to break free from this cycle of what I like to call putting on a thousand veils. One new veil for each new person that was not happy with the way I am over a whole lifetime had begun to get me to a point where I did not even know who or what I was. I am slowly beginning to take off those veils and discover who and what I really am, but I still feel I need the acceptance of both my families and others. That will take some time to lose the habit of, and truly I don't even know where to begin to do that.

Start with regular scheduled times away from the family. Get out of town.  Get away from your family and friends. Go to where no one knows you. Go dressed. See what it is like to be free from the restraints of your normal social circle. Free from the restraints of self.

Move out, move away, grow up, be your own person in your own terms.

Hi Deanna!

I'm April, and I am new here too. Welcome!

The first thing I wish to say is that while it can be absolutely terrifying to even think of admitting to people what you are and feel inside, that terror can often be the worst part; the FEAR of what others might think. I myself was very surprised by how many people in my little world were completely accepting (some were already suspicious and hence not even surprised) of my news. It turned out the anxiety and fear was worse than actually coming out.

I don't know anything for certain about custody law, but I am not completely sure that your ex could keep custody from you. As long as you pose no threat to the welfare of the child, the court SHOULD not take your transitioning into consideration when making it's decision. However, I must stress that this is my own opinion, not fact! My son's mother was actually OK with the news when I told her, so I have not had to worry about any problems with visitation or custody rights.

I think what you really should do is start seeing a therapist before you come out at all to anyone. They can help guide you along, and help you figure out just what you should do, how far you should go, etc. BEFORE you take steps and possibly embarrass yourself by realizing you acted too hastily. Find others, preferably NOT bigoted and opinionated family members (gay bars or other "open" social centers are a good place to start) to associate with and talk to open-minded people where you can relax, be yourself, and learn. You can meet people that can offer help, advice, or point you in good directions for further help.

Just throwing ideas out there. It seems you have a lot of "reasons" holding you back, but ultimately, you are only inhibiting yourself and keeping yourself from finding any true happiness or peace with yourself. Transition is not an easy journey, but if you believe in it, then there really isn't any good reason NOT to explore it.

~April

I don't know anything for certain about custody law,

That's obvious.  In custody cases the ONLY requirement is "the best interest of the child" and most courts are pretty conservative.  Being out hitting the bars is not in the best interest of the child.

I never said to take the child out to the bars, or leave them home alone; and many straight "average" parents go out to bars on occasion and hire a sitter. So was your statement just an attempt to insult me? Going to the occasional bar is not exactly detrimental to a child's welfare in most cases unless it has some direct affect on that child's well being, as I stated above.

From the research I have done, transition is generally NOT a valid reason to remove custody, that was my main point. You took two completely unrelated statements (one in answer to the fear that transition would affect custody, the other being a suggestion in finding information and acceptance in a place she can feel comfortable) and put them together.

No my statement is a simple statement that once you enter family court you might as well have a neon sign on you that tells the judge "We are not adults, and can not settle problems like adults do, so we'd like you to do it for us."^*  You realize that in family court there is no jury, no overrule of the judge.  (Except by someone who is even more conservative).  The judge in family court has ZERO obligation to give custody of the kid to either parent.  They can, and do, find BOTH to be unfit, make the kid a ward of the court and stick them in a foster home.

And, transition might not get the kid taken away from you in a lot of liberal urban areas, but in lots, and lots, and lots of other places, it would be more than enough to remove you from custody, and even require supervised visits, if they even allow that. And you are freaking powerless at that point to overrule a judge.  When people don't fight fair - that's how the get to family court in the first place - and they will use anything and everything.  Sure going to a bar a night, or perhaps two ain't a big deal, until the other partner says they never do it at all.  At which point, you don't look very fit at all.

* - Even the worst divorce lawyer in the world will tell you this.

Hi Deanna,

Welcome to our little family. Over 5100 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  

Actually I thing you will find there is a mix of Straight, Bi and Lesbian Transpeople.  I, myself, am still searching that side of me.  I suspect I am Bi.  But for now I really cant say.

Hugs and Love,
Janet

I had heard that saying before, fortunately my experience with custody law was more favorable than what you describe. It's really quite barbaric when you think about it, that we can have all this advancement in technology and science yet other systems are still so antiquated. I'm very fortunate to have had a rather smooth transition so far.

My childs mother was much more accepting than many others might be. When I told her, she said "hey, it's your body and your life, who am I to tell you what to with it?"

anyway, I wish you well in your journey, Deanna. Take it one step at a time, and try to keep things in perspective.

~April

Quote from: cynthialee on July 07, 2010, 08:55:20 PM
Start with regular scheduled times away from the family. Get out of town.  Get away from your family and friends. Go to where no one knows you. Go dressed. See what it is like to be free from the restraints of your normal social circle. Free from the restraints of self.

THIS is great advice!  Cynthialee knows whereof she speaks.  I love her posts and think she's really got it together. 

Two months ago, I moved from Florida to Oregon (3,000-plus miles) for this exact reason.  I'm here to tell you, it works!  Cynthia is right.  If you CAN do this, you SHOULD do this.  It'll do you good.

Think it through first, though.  Have employment ... a place to live ... the basics.  Street life is no life.  Be prepared as best you can, and then do it, if you want to.

Your choice.

Welcome ...       Lacey Lynne

Even a short visit away can be very theraputic.  I spent last weekend with my best friend in Toronto, he's gay and lives in the Gay Village, and we spent the weekend attending the Pride festivities.  I went there on Saturday morning, pretty much a basket case, still questioning, not sure of myself, and not really accepting of myself and my condition.  I went there saying to myself "I THINK this is true, but I don't KNOW!"  Well, we had many long talks that weekend, and I immersed myself in the celebration, and let myself experience everything.  By the end of that weekend, I was ready to accept my TG condition, and since then I've done a lot of things to consolidate that acceptance.  I'm about to start trying to dress in small ways (undergarments to begin with), and I'm thinking my friend might be able to provide a safe haven for me to experience with dressing and makeup.  I hope so!

Quote from: tekla on July 08, 2010, 12:39:40 AM
No my statement is a simple statement that once you enter family court you might as well have a neon sign on you that tells the judge "We are not adults, and can not settle problems like adults do, so we'd like you to do it for us."^*  You realize that in family court there is no jury, no overrule of the judge.  (Except by someone who is even more conservative).  The judge in family court has ZERO obligation to give custody of the kid to either parent.  They can, and do, find BOTH to be unfit, make the kid a ward of the court and stick them in a foster home.

And, transition might not get the kid taken away from you in a lot of liberal urban areas, but in lots, and lots, and lots of other places, it would be more than enough to remove you from custody, and even require supervised visits, if they even allow that. And you are freaking powerless at that point to overrule a judge.  When people don't fight fair - that's how the get to family court in the first place - and they will use anything and everything.  Sure going to a bar a night, or perhaps two ain't a big deal, until the other partner says they never do it at all.  At which point, you don't look very fit at all.

* - Even the worst divorce lawyer in the world will tell you this.

First of all, where I live, the ONLY way to determine custody of a child is by both parents obtaining a lawyer and going in front of a judge to get a court order. It doesn't even matter if the parents ARE in agreement with who will get that child. I once had thought the same as you, and me and the mother of my son had signed a written document for joint custody in front of a notary. I also (when I was about to end up homeless and the mother of my son refused to take full custody of him) wrote up a temporary custody paper giving my recent ex temporary custody of my son and had that notarized. However, I asked a lawyer questions about obtaining full custody from the birth mother and joint custody with my recent ex. When I told him about the papers, he asked if they were a court order. Of course, when I told him they weren't, he said that they were not legal and were not even worth the paper they were written on. He also said that the mother at any time could go and get my son from my recent ex and there would be nothing we could do about it because it HAS to be ordered by the court. Therefore, your theory of going in front of a judge says that  "We are not adults, and can not settle problems like adults do, so we'd like you to do it for us.", could be totally untrue depending on different people's own experience. "Even the worst divorce lawyer in the world will tell you this." I just want to know where you came up with this conclusion. It really depends on the laws of where you live, and who you speak to. Not all divorce lawyers will tell you this, because I had spoken to a few divorce lawyers while trying to find one to take my case, and they all told me that it most definitely has to be done through court. By the way this statement comes across to me, it seems that you are saying that every single divorce lawyer in the world will tell you that going to court means what you said it to mean. This of course would also be untrue. "They can, and do, find BOTH to be unfit, make the kid a ward of the court and stick them in a foster home." Okay, where did you base this on? Do you have evidence to support this claim other than just your own experience or those around where you live? The reason I ask this is to show you that just because it happened to you or others around where you live, does not mean it happens to everyone, so to make this claim just going by that is totally wrong. It would be like me saying that EVERYWHERE it is true that if the parents are both found unfit then the next of kin to the child is offered a chance to take the child before it goes into state care just because that is how it is with the laws where I live. As for what you said about transition, this MAY very well be the case in my area, and this is one thing I fear. However, I will not know that unless I try.