Asking if someone is FTM?

[DamienR]

I wouldn't like someone asking me if I am trans, because it means I don't pass.

[Clay]

there's this huge other group no one has mentioned yet. girls walking around in boy's clothes with boys' haircuts etc. all their lives, who don't even know what "trans" means, who have never wasted a thought on questions of gender beyond "i'm not a typical girl".

I don't know what age he/she is, but in my grade in high school, there were four girls like that, none of them transitioned or anything, only one is a lesbian as i know by now. i, on the other hand, was way more "girl" looking at the time, because my "male side" was all in my head at the time.

i also believe a lot of people never got informed like all of us here did. I have talked to a friend who had spent many thoughts on the question if she would rather have been a boy .....yet she doesn't know the first thing about what trans is.

that's something i was thinking. though it surely needs a whole lot of observation to tell. i mean, everything's blurred nowadays, and some people simply enjoy screwing with peoples expectations...

[TheAetherealMeadow]

I would simply say hi to this person and strike up a convo without saying anything about being trans. Eventually ze will tell you hir (I'm using gender neutral pronouns because we do not know this person's gender) name and if hir name is gendered you'll find out. :p

[Teknoir]

Become friends, go somewhere public, shout them numerous cups of coffee and wait .

(Beyond the obvious joke, you might get a quick look at how comfortable they are going into a womens only space - assuming they don't use the gents of course).

But more realistic - befriend them. Talk. See if you can get to know them online, too. Sounds weird, but people's handles / online identities pre-transition can sometimes be a dead giveaway.


When I was 17, my ex (then current) actually asked me point blank "What sort of time frame are you planning to transition on?". I was still in denial, and hadn't even mentioned anything gender related to them! The question totally threw me!

Similarly, they could be trans but they might not be fully aware or it, or willing to face it yet. They might not be actually transitioning, they could just be being themselves.

If they are FTM, they'll come out in their own time - but until then I think perhaps dropping a comment along the lines of "Hey, welcome to the dojo. We're a pretty diverse group. We're cool with all sorts of people here" might let them know that if they are thinking of transition in the future, it's all good.

[Crow]

I once asked someone, "Do you go by he or she?"  I guess it still has the potential to be offensive but it's phrased in a way that has their best interest in mind.  The answer I got was, "This may surprise you but I'm NOT GAY" so I don't think she quite understood the point of my question anyways... but she also wasn't offended.  Turned out she was just a tomboy straight girl, in my case.

This seems like the safest idea. Along with the probably fairly obvious "get to know them/build up trust" and "drop hints that you and the dojo as a whole are accepting."

That being said, I wouldn't be bothered in the least if a well-meaning person asked what gender I am/if I'm trans/anything of the sort. As long as it's apparent they mean it out of innocent curiosity or a desire to understand me better (as opposed to as a snide comment or a desire to use that information as ammo against me-- it's pretty easy for me to tell the difference), I actually rather like being asked such questions. However, I know a LOT of people are not like that and would likely have their feelings hurt by a blunt "are you trans?" question... possibly even by a "what pronoun do you prefer?" question, but that's far less likely to offend people. in any case, I'm usually really careful what i ask people because I know different people feel differently about things.

[sonopoly]

I think you should (as a few people here already said) get to know this person first and find out gradually if he/she is transgendered.  I don't think many transpeople would like someone clocking them out of curiosity for many reasons.

I think if you want to know because you want to get to know another transperson, it would make total sense to try to befriend the person and learn more about them as you would in any friendship.