Asking if someone is FTM?

[Crypt77]

I train at this martial arts dojo near where I live. Recently though a new girl has joined our dojo and I'm pretty sure she's FTM. When she's not in her training clothes she is in guys clothes. Her hair is cut short, and when she talks it's as though she forces her voice to be lower than it really is.

She's only 17, she hasn't done anything (IF she is FTM), but would it be rude/wrong of me to ask if she is, or if she's considering/questioning herself? Because I would like to be there for her if she is.

I still remember the first day I joined there, my master is a very open minded old man. I had been talking to him through e-mail pior to meeting him and my training partners in person. So he and everyone assumes I am a guy. It wasn't until I wrote down my legal name on my wavier that my sensei asked the question,

"Are you transitioning?"

Our dojo is a very open minded as well as an accepting place. This is why I even am considering asking the new student.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I'd think that asking would out yourself. But if you don't mind that...idk. It may be considered disrespectful or whatever but if you're really interested in knowing and don't mind possibly outting yourself, go for it.

[insanitylives]

Semi-off topic but in my karate class there are CONSTANT references to my gender. A few people refer to me as "person" and "it", others have clearly figured it out and simply say nothing. It's annoying but I don't care much and ignore the more stupid comments (or simply retort back, since the biggest culprit would also make a very pretty girl. Great ammo however rude.)
Not sure if it's normal teasing for all martial arts or just because the average age in my class/level is 13.

On topic, let's put it this way. If she's just gay, you're probably going to get an ear full, likely hit and she'd probably hate you unless shes got a great sense of humor.
if he's trans you probably could still get a similar reaction out of conditioned instinct or denial.

Would help to know the personality of who youre talking about.


and zombie is right, saying that nearly 100% outs you. =\

[sneakersjay]

I wouldn't out myself.  But that's just me.  If you're curious, you could befriend her and see if the topic comes up in conversation.

I guess if someone came up to me and asked me if I were trans, I'd have to wonder what about me gave me away.

Jay

[gilligan]

I would be pretty much offended if someone else asked me about my gender. but it's up to you and what you see that's best.

[cynthialee]

may we turn this around a second?
How would you react if someone came up to you and asked point blank if you were trans?

Personaly I would be shocked and pissed. If this person is trans let them go at their own pace. If we make a big deal of gender how in the world are we to expect the rest of the world to get it's head out of it's ass?

[Nathan.]

I can see why you would want to ask but if someone asked me i'd be offended, mostly because to me that would mean I don't pass.

[Osiris]

I agree with the cynthialee and Nathan on this one. I believe it's best to let the person in question decide if they wish to discuss there gender identity with you. If there is confusion on pronouns and stuff then I'd ask just to make sure but otherwise I'd leave it be. But that's just my opinion.

[notyouraverageguy]

That's really cool that your master is so open minded &educated. Also that the place is so accepting.
Id say, just get to know her first. Talk to her, hang out, become her friend.
That way you'll have more of a basis, between her just being masculine or actually being trans.

I guess if someone came up to me and asked me if I were trans, I'd have to wonder what about me gave me away.

Jay

This, id wonder "why do you think that?"..

[James42]

I agree that i'd feel offended and kinda bad because it'd mean I didn't pass, but at the same time, getting female pronouns would make me feel the same. So it'd be a tough situation for me.

If I were you tho, I think i'd actually try "slipping" and use a male pronoun to see her reaction, it'd be less offending imo, because she can either correct you or leave it alone

[Zack]

I agree with Femboy, best thing you can do is get to know her first instead of randomly asking if she's FTM if you two haven't really spoke before.

[Shang]

If someone asked me, I wouldn't care and I'd answer truthfully, but that's just me. 

I wouldn't ask her/him because she/he might get upset about it and you should get to know her first and see if it's something that would offend her.

[Nimetön]

This may be due to a cultural difference, but I would simply ask directly.  He can answer in the affirmative (is trans), negative (is not trans), with sudden anger (is not a man), or may refuse to answer (no data).  I'd be sure that no one else can hear us, though, and I'd take care to go through the proper introductions, first.  Also, I wouldn't be the least bit offended if he lied; there is good reason to do so.

If asked the same question, I'd probably just smile and refuse to answer ("No comment"), or answer in the negative ("I am a biomale").

Remember, transsexuality is usually a much bigger deal in your minds than in ours.

- N

[Dante]

Well, by your description of her/him, she/he sounds like they're either a tomboy, or doing their best at being male even though they can't come out for some reason. If you want to ask them, you should get to know them better. Learn her/his name, what nickname they like, etc. before you ask. That alone might help you decide if asking them outright is the right thing to do, or if she/he would be offended.

If you do decide to ask her/him, don't just say "Are you a transsexual?", say something before to at least warn them that you're not trying to be disrespectful. Maybe like "I want to ask you a question and I'm sorry if it offends you...". If you plan to be friends with her/him or want to help her/him with transitioning if they are trans, then maybe you should consider telling her/him first that you're trans, and see how they react. That might soften the question, so that it makes sense why you would notice something like that.

Whatever you choose to do, consider her/his feelings, and make sure that you're not going to make them mad or offended by asking. And of course, don't ask where everyone can hear. Good luck!

[spinaltap]

I like Jame's idea. "slipping up" and using a male pronoun.
but I agree with most of the other posts, you shouldn't flat out ask. I'm still in the closet, but I'm slowly coming to terms with things, and I feel like it was something I needed to do on my own. I've dressed like a boy pretty much since I started picking out my own clothes. and at the end of middle school I cut my hair short, but if someone had asked me if I was gender queer I would have felt trapped, forced into making decisions before I was ready. If she is FTM, I figure she'll do some online research and join a support group or something, when she's ready. Until then she doesn't have to face what she may or may not be.
that's my take at least.
and like everyone else said, if she's not, she'll probably be offended, and you'll have outed yourself. 
or if they're already trying to pass, and failing, I don't think they'd like being confronted.
so I guess no matter the situation, it probably won't turn out well.
sorry about that. Helping people is tricky business.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Well, if people ask me and they're not a doctor who has to know then I'd say no.

When people use the wrong pronouns with me I correct them. So the pronoun thing may be a good idea. But not all of us correct people esp early in transitioning. If another trans person asked me if I was trans...I'd be slightly less hostile. Cause I personally can spot people who are but that's cause I know what to look for. I don't think I'd ever straight out ask someone though.

[Crypt77]

I am very indifferent/passive when it comes to a lot of things. I really don't have a lot of dysphoria that many transexuals seem to have, and I don't believe that the whole world is out to get me if I do come out.

I have asked myself that question, put myself in those shoes many times of being on the receiving end. Hell, I have had people asked me that. So I understand where you guys are coming from. I guess in one's mind, that can be pretty offensive.

The Reason why I would want to ask her... is because everyone else I know that is FTM lives too far away and it's hard to be in touch with them. If she is trans, I think it'd be cool to have a buddy that is near. Lean on each other and stuff.

But meh. I'm going to get to know her a bit more first, maybe ask her if the time does come up.

[elvistears]

Yeah get to know her and see if anything comes up.  There's a pretty good chance she's just a butch lesbian - they do exist! It's funny, since I started transitioning, it's caused rumours about my best friend and now everyone thinks she's trans because she doesn't wear skirts. She's just like, uh I'm a girl.

[SnailPace]

I once asked someone, "Do you go by he or she?"  I guess it still has the potential to be offensive but it's phrased in a way that has their best interest in mind.  The answer I got was, "This may surprise you but I'm NOT GAY" so I don't think she quite understood the point of my question anyways... but she also wasn't offended.  Turned out she was just a tomboy straight girl, in my case.

[emil]

there's this huge other group no one has mentioned yet. girls walking around in boy's clothes with boys' haircuts etc. all their lives, who don't even know what "trans" means, who have never wasted a thought on questions of gender beyond "i'm not a typical girl".

I don't know what age he/she is, but in my grade in high school, there were four girls like that, none of them transitioned or anything, only one is a lesbian as i know by now. i, on the other hand, was way more "girl" looking at the time, because my "male side" was all in my head at the time.

i also believe a lot of people never got informed like all of us here did. I have talked to a friend who had spent many thoughts on the question if she would rather have been a boy .....yet she doesn't know the first thing about what trans is.