My gender dysphoria is so confusing.

[Devyn]

Sometimes it's severe and I become depressed for weeks - months - and I beg God for male parts. Then, it calms down for a few days and only surfaces when I look at my chest. Then, I have a dysphoria attack randomly at some point during the next few days.

And then the cycle starts all over again where i get ridiculously depressed - and this time I started cutting myself.
I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't have done it, but I needed to feel something. I felt like a zombie. All I could think of was wanting to be a boy. I could only think of me being a bioguy. I was practically a zombie. I needed to feel something.

I'm not even sure what to do anymore. It's getting worse and worse every time. And it's almost always chest dysphoria more so than genital dysphoria. I mean, I do get genital dysphoria, however, it's not as bad as my chest dysphoria. I suppose that's because I don't have to look at my genitalia all day.

Sorry. This is just my rambling. I haven't managed to get my diary started that I planned to start up again.

[Bagheera]

It's all right if you have to ramble. We're all here to help and support one another.

I can kinda relate to your situation, too. There are weird bouts of depression, followed by the "I'm okay" days, and some sudden discomfort, then it repeats. The lows seem to outnumber the highs, so to say. :/

I used to have a self injury problem, but I don't think I can really help you with overcoming it. Like you said, you do it because you needed to feel something. I just really hope you can find something positive to put your energy into so you won't have to hurt yourself anymore. No one deserves that.

Do you notice any reasons why your dysphoria quiets down for a few days?

[KaciKip]

I can relate to your situation, especially feeling the need to inflict harm on yourself, only mine is for different reasons. For me, I self-injure because I feel like I've failed everyone in being the girl they grew to love and know, and that by being the boy I really am, I am letting everyone down. So I guess it's a form of punishment on my behalf. But let me tell you, self-injury gets you absolutely no where, unless you count trips to the hospital as getting somewhere. I've been self-harming for close to ten years, and the only place it's gotten me is to the psyche ward. :/ I don't know how long you've been doing it for, but please try to stop before it gets out of hand and turns into an addiction. >.< 'Cause trust me...self-injury addiction is not fun. If you absolutely need to feel some sort of pain, you could try the old snapping a rubber band trick, or using ice to simulate the pain. Both of those have been suggested by my therapist. Unfortunately neither of those worked for me, but they might for you.

Sorry, I didn't mean to go on a tangent with self-injury. It just makes me sad to see people in a similar bad predicament as me.

As far as bad dysphoria goes, I get it really bad too. When school started, everyone kept calling me "she" and "her" and all those other female pronouns. After the third day of school I couldn't take it anymore and wound up going home and started crying and felt strangely empty afterwards. 

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.

[Raven]

I have days like that as well, well similar. When it comes to my chest I just try to ignore it the same with my downstairs, in fact I have gotten to where I even avoid mirrors more. And honestly I don't know really what to tell you other than you aren't alone in this and cutting isn't good. You may try this if you want whenever you have the urge to cut take a deep breathe and just breath and bring your focus inward and focus on positive things and do your best to get that cutting out of your focus because you don't need to cut. I know it's hard as I know that self harm road too well cause I've been on it far too many times. *hugs* I'm hear if you ever want to talk.

[Dante]

I know how that feels. I know it's hard to live with, but you should try not to get into a habit of cutting. I have a friend who cuts, and now she's addicted to it and can't stop. I've never resorted to cutting myself, but I know that feeling of needing to feel something. For me, it was the fact that I had all these mental problems, I considered cutting just to be able to have a pain that can be proven real. That's how I felt about it.

I hope you manage to stop cutting, and I hope you can learn to manage your dysphoria better. Good luck.

[GnomeKid]

Same thing happens to me, minus the cutting.  I've always been more an escapist than a masochist [though pain certainly can be quite the distraction and I don't think its my right to tell you you to stop seeking it as long as your intentions(and consequential actions) are not suicidal, but I would encourage you to try to find another path that won't leave behind such permanent reminders of your actions which may cause you to feel regret down the road.  Pain doesn't have to lead to scars but each to their own I suppose]

I've been in a bit of a slump for a while now... I figure at least about three times a minute the thought of "Agh I wish I had a dick" passes through my mind... and if by chance a minute or two goes past with none you can be assured that all the missed negativity will be made up for in the few randomly and generally inconveniently placed daily bouts of utter self [or world] loathing which can consume my thoughts for anywhere from 5 minutes to almost all day, and its getting worse!

...hooray.

How to solve it?  I have no idea.  I don't honestly think there is a way.  Which is why it just keeps getting worse. 

Wow... I'm a downer today... I'm sorry

I suppose look at the upside that someday you will be boob-less!

[zombiesarepeaceful]

been ther done that. My whole body is adorned with scars. But it kept me alive and kicking until I started T and found healthier ways to deal with dysphoria. The only reason I scarred myself al lup was because of dysphoria. I was in 4 psych wards as a minor adn no amount of treatment did anything,c ause they barely recognized that I was trans and didn't agree that that was the cause. Since starting T I don't feel the need to marr my body anymore, cause it's finally becoming something I can like. But it takes time. You'll get tehre. I do regret cutting...so try to do it as little as possible, and please be safe. I won't say don't do it at all cause I've been there and that's not alwasy an option. PM if you want to talk, seriously. I won't judge you.

[Kentrie]

Mine is really confusing also. I don't really know to much about what I am because I only just realized last year that I was Transgender, I thought I was a lesbian. My emotions are blank when it comes to my body but at the same time it bothers me, sometimes I don't care what I have and sometimes I get really depressed about not having male parts. I'm so depressed that I have lost touch with reality and what life is.

[fries]

I get pretty much the exact same way, minus the zombie feeling; instead I get insanely angry.

I use to drink excessively which did NOT help at all, in fact it made my dysphoria much worse. I'd always end up getting extremely angry at fate, God or some bastard up there that screwed me over and made me a girl to punish me. Then I'd end up slashing my legs where no one could see.

To make things worse I have social anxiety, which really just wears me down. I know I'll probably always be anxious around people, that's just the way I am but I hope that transitioning will relieve some of it.

Luckily nowadays I hardly drink and don't cut at all. I still get dysphoric and depressed but the thought of one day finally getting T and SRS keeps me going. Also, this forum really helps; lots of great people on here.

So I guess my advice is don't keep it all to yourself, venting is healthy. Sometimes releasing all these thoughts that are locked up in your head can alleviate some of the unhappiness.