LordKAT, your post was very interesting, and definitely on the topic I was trying to get at. I can relate to this:
Quote from: LordKAT on August 13, 2010, 12:23:04 AMI have always felt extremely wrong when in a relationship, like it was on false pretenses but I had to fit in and had no other way to show that I did. I felt that it was the only way to have acceptance but would feel so very wrong and ...such a lowlife. The relationship would end when I could no longer take trying to keep up the pretense. This happened whether it was as a friend or was a marriage situation. I would know the lifetime of the relationship was limited and still try then feel guilt over hurting a person who did not deserve the hurt.
I've just been lucky enough to have had a few good relationships in which I was / am out to my partner and accepted. But when it hasn't been that straight-forward, I start feeling increasingly guilty and then just leave. I'm always true to myself, but with some people, I haven't felt comfortable talking about everything. That's my fault, and probably a sign that it's just not a good fit. My current partner is not only accepting but encouraging. I think he can understand because he's not "normal" in terms of gender either, but that's a topic for another thread.
Quote from: insideontheoutside on August 13, 2010, 12:29:10 AMAt a certain point in my life I realized that I had pretty much always just acted as myself. There was a stint of about 6 years where I really didn't. Those were the "bad years"! lol At that same certain point in my life I also realized that when I was truly being myself, most people would treat me just fine. I also realized that it was kind of a "meter" of sorts because if I was just really being myself and someone couldn't hang with that or treated me badly, well, I knew right then and there I didn't need that person in my life. If it was a work situation and I was treated like that, it was either a customer I had to deal with and knew I wouldn't have to deal with them in my regular life or someone I worked with and also knew that I only had to deal with them on a work-basis and not in my personal life. If I had a serious problem with someone I would try to work it out with them or take it to a manager if it got our of hand (on the work front).
I'm pretty androgynous a lot of the times but I'm confident about who I am and I've found over time that other people can sense that, even if they're not actually aware they are. If someone can sense you're confident, they usually will not treat you badly. It's like all those studies that have been done on how criminals choose their targets. They're looking for the weak - the insecure - the people who are walking with their heads down in life that won't give them a lot of fuss because they're basically a paranoid jelly fish. It's the same kind of thing. If you're insecure, people can sense that too - that "alerts" them that you're "different" in a way that probably rubs them the wrong way.
One thing ... a story ... then I'll shut up 
...
There was this drive-through liquor store once in Wyoming (yeah, drive-through! haha) in this small town and this old Vietnam vet dude would always hang around outside of it. This is a town of total "good ol' boys" ... cowboys ... the "real men" types. Anyway, Vietnam Vet dude shows up in a dress one day. It was only the people passing through town who ever gave him any crap about it. In WYOMING folks. This IS a state where someone could easily get harassed for just being gay, let alone openly wearing women's clothing. I heard one guy in town tried to harass him, physically, and Vietnam vet dude knocked him out cold. There was no sheriff involvement and after that everything just went back to normal. I know we all can't be Vietnam vet dude, but ya gotta give it up for confidence that fierce.
That's a really cool story. I have actually been to a small town in WY that had a drive-through liquor store, so it was easy to visualize. I like that Vietnam vet dude's attitude!
I agree about the confidence thing. I try to be as relaxed and confident as I can, and I find that it does help people to accept me for who I am, and treat me better. But when I'm a work or in a similar situation, I really can't expect people to see me as I am or accept me; that would be unrealistic. And in a lot of jobs, if you have a female body, you're expected to look and act female. (This is in a small town in New England, and in TX; when I lived in CA recently, it was delightfully different.) At my current job, everyone who works there is female. My boss wants me to dress in a more feminine way and gossip and joke around with the girls in a female sort of way that just doesn't come naturally to me at all. It's not much better when I work in a typically male job, for and with guys. I still get asked to dress more femininely, and expected to act more feminine than I can. Outside of work, people generally either accept me for who I am or keep their distance, which is cool. This is a very progressive small town in a lot of ways. But it seems like people here (and in TX) seem to think that if they hire me as a certain gender (as in what it says on my drivers license) then they have the right to expect me to act like that gender while I'm at work, unless I tell them I'm a butch lesbian, which I wouldn't because it's not true. People seem to think that the fact that I'm attracted to guys gives them the right to expect me to present as female while at work, no matter how confident I am about being myself.
This is frustrating. I guess I need to either be more directly open with people around here about my situation or just find a way to move back to that place where people actually were accepting in professional environments without being asked to be.
