I know mine does, and this really confuses me.  For example, I've always experienced intense dysphoria when I'm at work (no matter what job), probably because people treat me as a generic female and expect me to act female.

I have the least dysphoria when I'm with a really close friend or a partner.  I guess it's because in these situations, I feel accepted for who I really am.  So I guess that makes sense.

But I don't know what to do about the confusion.  When I'm with someone I'm close to, I almost stop thinking of myself as trans.  When I'm alone, I do think about it; the dysphoria is mild to moderate.  When I'm at work or among people who don't know me that well, I feel really uncomfortable about being perceived as the wrong gender and wish I could do something about it right away.

Is this normal?  Can anyone else relate to any extent?

I think I can relate in a way. At work I do alot of things ranging from telling people what they can do with what they have, to climbing in attics and under houses. I'm euphoric with my job when I do things such as suggesting solutions, and labelling phones and doing cosmetic stuff like dressing in equipment closets (that are air conditioned of course). However when I need to do the more "manly" stuff, like pulling cable or drilling holes, I fall into a mood of "Damnit I wish I was a secretary" or something.

I also get rather dysphoric when I'm around females and I want to say something, but I can't because I don't want to out myself (I'm not out to anybody but my therapist atm). They can be talking about what looks good on an actress or something, and I'll just have to keep quiet ...

When I'm around a bunch of guys I feel flat out uncomfortable. I feel so phoney and out of place, idk if that can be seen as dysphoric. Probably can.

Being at work was always a horrible source of dysphoria for me when I wasn't passing. Retail work involves a lot of people contact and after being female-perceived all day long I was just about ready to burst into tears of frustration. I will flat out refuse to do telesales work, passing on the phone is impossible for me and there's only so many female pronouns I can take.

Around close friends, I forget I'm trans, I'm just me... but if for example it's a really hot day I will get down about not being able to take my shirt off or be very aware of my binder and my dysphoria is much more prominent.

When I'm on my own I rarely have bouts of severe dysphoria like I would do at work, unless I'm PMSing or something It's usually more of a mild irritation if I move and feel my chest or I sing along to the radio and it comes out girlier than expected.

I'm not sure this is quite what you're asking.

I have always felt extremely wrong when in a relationship, like it was on false pretenses but I had to fit in and had no other way to show that I did. I felt that it was the only way to have acceptance but would feel so very wrong and ...such a lowlife. The relationship would end when I could no longer take trying to keep up the pretense. This happened whether it was as a friend or was a marriage situation. I would know the lifetime of the relationship was limited and still try then feel guilt over hurting a person who did not deserve the hurt.

Work could sometimes limit my thoughts and I would throw myself into it whole hog. I was labeled a workaholic by social services because I would work 3 or 4 jobs at a time and grab over time whenever possible so I would have no time to think or sleep and dream.


In another thread, someone wanted an easy button for life. I finally found it and it was right here with me all along. I quit trying to be for anyone else and started trying to be for me. I may not be 'a jolly old elf' all the time but I am more content than I have been for as long as I can really remember.

Attitude is what saved me. It is also what hurt me. It is the 'situation' that affected my dyshporia the most. I still feel wrong in the body shape I was born into but I have less trouble accepting that I have a right to exist. Mirrors will set it off or a snide comment but as I relax and know myself that affects it less.


Sorry if I made no sense or it didn't fit the question.

At a certain point in my life I realized that I had pretty much always just acted as myself. There was a stint of about 6 years where I really didn't. Those were the "bad years"! lol At that same certain point in my life I also realized that when I was truly being myself, most people would treat me just fine. I also realized that it was kind of a "meter" of sorts because if I was just really being myself and someone couldn't hang with that or treated me badly, well, I knew right then and there I didn't need that person in my life. If it was a work situation and I was treated like that, it was either a customer I had to deal with and knew I wouldn't have to deal with them in my regular life or someone I worked with and also knew that I only had to deal with them on a work-basis and not in my personal life. If I had a serious problem with someone I would try to work it out with them or take it to a manager if it got our of hand (on the work front).

I'm pretty androgynous a lot of the times but I'm confident about who I am and I've found over time that other people can sense that, even if they're not actually aware they are. If someone can sense you're confident, they usually will not treat you badly. It's like all those studies that have been done on how criminals choose their targets. They're looking for the weak - the insecure - the people who are walking with their heads down in life that won't give them a lot of fuss because they're basically a paranoid jelly fish. It's the same kind of thing. If you're insecure, people can sense that too - that "alerts" them that you're "different" in a way that probably rubs them the wrong way.

One thing ... a story ... then I'll shut up ...

There was this drive-through liquor store once in Wyoming (yeah, drive-through! haha) in this small town and this old Vietnam vet dude would always hang around outside of it. This is a town of total "good ol' boys" ... cowboys ... the "real men" types. Anyway, Vietnam Vet dude shows up in a dress one day. It was only the people passing through town who ever gave him any crap about it. In WYOMING folks. This IS a state where someone could easily get harassed for just being gay, let alone openly wearing women's clothing. I heard one guy in town tried to harass him, physically, and Vietnam vet dude knocked him out cold. There was no sheriff involvement and after that everything just went back to normal. I know we all can't be Vietnam vet dude, but ya gotta give it up for confidence that fierce.

Quote from: LordKAT on August 13, 2010, 12:23:04 AM
In another thread, someone wanted an easy button for life. I finally found it and it was right here with me all along. I quit trying to be for anyone else and started trying to be for me. I may not be 'a jolly old elf' all the time but I am more content than I have been for as long as I can really remember.

Attitude is what saved me. It is also what hurt me. It is the 'situation' that affected my dyshporia the most. I still feel wrong in the body shape I was born into but I have less trouble accepting that I have a right to exist. Mirrors will set it off or a snide comment but as I relax and know myself that affects it less.

Exactly! And good for you for being able to find that button!

Definitely, and I'm glad I'm not alone in avoiding retail and telesales work with utter dread. My dysphoria's definitely tailed off now that I'm out to friends, and all trans concerns disappear entirely despite being in guy mode with them, as I feel free to be myself. The fact I've never identified as 'a bloke' seems to carved me an androgynous niche without realising it - I've never been put into a situation where gender is an issue at all. That helps.

It flares up any time I'm asked to put my identity forth, such as in dealing with admin. matters, having to sort banks.. I've always felt uncomfortable with telephones, so I've a horrible base to start from there too!

The sad thing is that while accepting myself has made time with friends a wonderful experience, it's also turned those times when I'm expected to be 'responsible' into something all the more sour. 'Tis the nature of the game, I'd suppose.

LordKAT, your post was very interesting, and definitely on the topic I was trying to get at.  I can relate to this:

Quote from: LordKAT on August 13, 2010, 12:23:04 AMI have always felt extremely wrong when in a relationship, like it was on false pretenses but I had to fit in and had no other way to show that I did. I felt that it was the only way to have acceptance but would feel so very wrong and ...such a lowlife. The relationship would end when I could no longer take trying to keep up the pretense. This happened whether it was as a friend or was a marriage situation. I would know the lifetime of the relationship was limited and still try then feel guilt over hurting a person who did not deserve the hurt.

I've just been lucky enough to have had a few good relationships in which I was / am out to my partner and accepted.  But when it hasn't been that straight-forward, I start feeling increasingly guilty and then just leave.  I'm always true to myself, but with some people, I haven't felt comfortable talking about everything.  That's my fault, and probably a sign that it's just not a good fit.  My current partner is not only accepting but encouraging.  I think he can understand because he's not "normal" in terms of gender either, but that's a topic for another thread.

Quote from: insideontheoutside on August 13, 2010, 12:29:10 AMAt a certain point in my life I realized that I had pretty much always just acted as myself. There was a stint of about 6 years where I really didn't. Those were the "bad years"! lol At that same certain point in my life I also realized that when I was truly being myself, most people would treat me just fine. I also realized that it was kind of a "meter" of sorts because if I was just really being myself and someone couldn't hang with that or treated me badly, well, I knew right then and there I didn't need that person in my life. If it was a work situation and I was treated like that, it was either a customer I had to deal with and knew I wouldn't have to deal with them in my regular life or someone I worked with and also knew that I only had to deal with them on a work-basis and not in my personal life. If I had a serious problem with someone I would try to work it out with them or take it to a manager if it got our of hand (on the work front).

I'm pretty androgynous a lot of the times but I'm confident about who I am and I've found over time that other people can sense that, even if they're not actually aware they are. If someone can sense you're confident, they usually will not treat you badly. It's like all those studies that have been done on how criminals choose their targets. They're looking for the weak - the insecure - the people who are walking with their heads down in life that won't give them a lot of fuss because they're basically a paranoid jelly fish. It's the same kind of thing. If you're insecure, people can sense that too - that "alerts" them that you're "different" in a way that probably rubs them the wrong way.

One thing ... a story ... then I'll shut up ...

There was this drive-through liquor store once in Wyoming (yeah, drive-through! haha) in this small town and this old Vietnam vet dude would always hang around outside of it. This is a town of total "good ol' boys" ... cowboys ... the "real men" types. Anyway, Vietnam Vet dude shows up in a dress one day. It was only the people passing through town who ever gave him any crap about it. In WYOMING folks. This IS a state where someone could easily get harassed for just being gay, let alone openly wearing women's clothing. I heard one guy in town tried to harass him, physically, and Vietnam vet dude knocked him out cold. There was no sheriff involvement and after that everything just went back to normal. I know we all can't be Vietnam vet dude, but ya gotta give it up for confidence that fierce.

That's a really cool story.  I have actually been to a small town in WY that had a drive-through liquor store, so it was easy to visualize.  I like that Vietnam vet dude's attitude!

I agree about the confidence thing.  I try to be as relaxed and confident as I can, and I find that it does help people to accept me for who I am, and treat me better.  But when I'm a work or in a similar situation, I really can't expect people to see me as I am or accept me; that would be unrealistic.  And in a lot of jobs, if you have a female body, you're expected to look and act female.  (This is in a small town in New England, and in TX; when I lived in CA recently, it was delightfully different.)  At my current job, everyone who works there is female.  My boss wants me to dress in a more feminine way and gossip and joke around with the girls in a female sort of way that just doesn't come naturally to me at all.  It's not much better when I work in a typically male job, for and with guys.  I still get asked to dress more femininely, and expected to act more feminine than I can.  Outside of work, people generally either accept me for who I am or keep their distance, which is cool.  This is a very progressive small town in a lot of ways.  But it seems like people here (and in TX) seem to think that if they hire me as a certain gender (as in what it says on my  drivers license) then they have the right to expect me to act like that gender while I'm at work, unless I tell them I'm a butch lesbian, which I wouldn't because it's not true.  People seem to think that the fact that I'm attracted to guys gives them the right to expect me to present as female while at work, no matter how confident I am about being myself. 

This is frustrating.  I guess I need to either be more directly open with people around here about my situation or just find a way to move back to that place where people actually were accepting in professional environments without being asked to be.

I also work in retail... Thankfully, the hormone Goddess and voice fairies have left me on the "other side," of passing, that is, difficult not to pass even if I tried. (I feel humbly fortunate.) I feel truly integrated into the correct gender groups with both customers and employees. It's very validating when another woman talks about how much guys like Lowes' and says something like, "Oh, you know how they are."  At work or when I'm out is when I now feel the dysphoria the least because I'm just another girl. I feel like I've completed social transition so any dysphoria I feel usually has to do with my family or my genitals.  .......... Funny how "family" and "genitals" wound up in the same sentence....  Well that doesn't happen often now, does it? 

  I still have lots of trouble when I consider my current anatomy. I know that surgery is only months away but I still freak now and then. Funny thing, really.... Whenever I have to stand in line in the ladies' room I think of how much better I'll feel when I don't have "that" down there.

  The only other problem I have is when close friends or family still make assumptions about me based on my former presentation. I get really irritated when someone asks me to do something that I perceive to be normally asked of a guy, like, "Could you take a look at my car?" or, "Could you help aunt Pat move her furniture?" I think that what triggers dysphoria the most is when I'm reminded that I used to present as  a guy. My Mom still slips and calls me, "he," or a relative will call and refer to me as, "(former name)."

   

My dysphoria is also a lot worse at work and sometimes in public. It's not as bad when I'm with my best friend or just chillin' round the house.

When I'm around alot of strangers I begin to realize how different I must be in comparison to everyone else and that makes me dysphoric about my male traits that I can't hide too well. (forehead ridge ect)

I feel you guys about the work situation. As a female, always ascribed motives to everything I did. I was either a cunning deceitful bitch or motivated by sex. 

It goes though the roof when I'm at my OBGYN rotations. Having to concientiously act more feminine and regulate my voice higher...no, just no.

Today at work I labeled a button on a girls phone with some sloppy handwriting, and she playfully mentioned "did you just put your manly handwriting on my phone?!" I've worked on my handwriting and think it's actually pretty neat and girlish. I know she was just joking and trying to be nice and possibly flirty, but it still made me feel a bit dysphoric for some reason. I actually got kinda defensive and I think she called me a dork, lol...

I get flirted with all the time at that place. It's an office that's like 95% women, so it's natural. However just getting flirted with even makes me feel a bit dysphoric also. It reminds me of how masculine my looks are and how "locked in" I feel to my personality.

My dysphoria shoots through the roof when I'm hanging out with my guy friends and they start acting like I am not "one of the guys". I get excluded from a lot of activities, and it always makes me think that it's because they don't see me as a guy like them.
But oddly enough I have very little dysphoria when I am crossdressing in extremely feminine clothes as oppose to when just regularly presenting as female and not being particularly feminine. To avoid dyshporia, I have to be presenting as male or being EXTREMELY feminine. I don't get it...

I was dealing with all this a long time ago, in my teens, when I had to make some semblance of 'boy mode' at home and could live en femme on weekends when I could get away from home. Weekends became the time I LIVED FOR, the only times I could really relax into being me and finding out who "me" was.

That was great through my early teens, like up until 16 or 17 when sex started to become an issue. As an older teen, if I went out with a guy for awhile, he expected the relationship to become intimate and of course that wasn't going to happen and I wasn't about to tell him why! (It was the 1960's and it just wasn't something that was understood or accepted.)

THAT is when the dysphoria became intense - when I wanted to go farther than my body would let me go. I tried to avoid 'getting too serious' with anyone but I really didn't want to be alone and yet 'the problem' would eventually destroy any budding relationship.

Finally, by my early 20's, I just started to withdraw from everything, didn't do en femme any more because it was just a tease, a taste of why life SHOULD have been like, and by 23 I was seriously suicidal and totally withdrawn by the time SRS became available. Were the last years the worst, the suicidal years? I don't know but I think the dysphoria was the worst when my physical body was the roadblock to going any further with my life and that was definitely when some romance was budding.

I definitely feel it much more when I am out.   At university I came very close to standing up in lecture rooms and tutorials and telling everyone all about me, on a number of occasions.
At home my gender dysphoria is much more under control.  This is of course because I don't have to suppress my femininity or constantly be on the look out for feminine 'tells'.   I sometimes think that it would be easier just to come out to everybody friend or foe, and take whatever cr*p the throw at me rather than stress and exhaust myself suppressing my inner female.

My dysphoria is the worst when I'm in social situations in which I don't the person/people very well - especially sometimes around members of my partner's family I'm meeting for the first time.  She hasn't told some of them that I'm FTM - and I've yet to meet some still, it makes me nervous wondering what they're thinking and if I pass with them.

I tend to have trouble passing with cisgender women such as in public places - I'm always worse when I have a cisgender female cashier to interact with, for example.  But...just usually in social situations in which I'm expected to interact to a great degree - that's when it's pretty bad.

It's sort of a background hum usually- just frustrates me all the time but I deal.

It gets worse when I am called by my old name, she, whatever. Being treated as female, presented as female, etc. When I notice my feminine features, when it is pointed out that I'll "never really be a man." Also, sexual situations. Exercise because the binder gets in the way. When people talk about male anatomy.

Anything where my female-ness comes up at all for any reason. Other than that, no.