Greetings from an uncertain non-man

[E]

Hey,

I'm a 22-years-old away-from-male transsexual, and also asexual. I'm unsure whether or not I'm MTF, but I do know that I want to rid myself of male sexual characteristics. Whether or not I wish to acquire female ones is the question troubling me - I'm sure I'd prefer being female to being male, but to be quite frank I'd prefer being almost anything over that. My gender identity can be summed up as "not male", and I think - but am not sure - I'd be okay with any physical sex within that range. The mental effects of HRT are definitely alluring, though - they seem to me almost like a wish list.

I've suffered from dysphoria for probably around a decade, now. I was a pretty normal boy in childhood, although one who was hyper-aware of gender roles and very, very careful to stay away from female-gendered toys and games. As for male-gendered ones, I didn't consciously avoid them - they just never appealed at all. My favored activities were more male-associated than female (and still are, mostly), but not definitively so. In my teens, I changed, and I have regretted being bound to masculinity for quite a few years, but it's only been a few weeks since I realized that I was probably not just disenchanted with the gender role, but instead probably transsexual. I have, since then, contacted a psychologist and started the preliminary stages of transition. I figure that the first few steps, at least, will be certain to bring me in the right direction, and from there I can make my way forward.

So, hello . I'm happy to be here, even though I'll try to cover up anything that might reveal my actual, real-life identity. That's not intended as an insult to any of you, so please don't take it as one.

EDIT: I've received permission form Mara, who posted her introduction earlier today, to disclose the fact that we're friends .

[mtfbuckeye]

Welcome, E. You'll find a lot of support here.. Susan's is good about giving a space to people who are gender variant but don't neatly fit the MTF or FTM categories...

[E]

Welcome, E. You'll find a lot of support here.. Susan's is good about giving a space to people who are gender variant but don't neatly fit the MTF or FTM categories...

Thanks - I appreciate the rapid welcome .

My hope is primarily to learn whether or not I do fit into one of those categories. I hope so - it'd make my life a lot simpler.

[mtfbuckeye]

Today I'm confident that what I want is to feel and look like a woman, experience the rest of my life as a woman, and to have others perceive me as a woman. However, in my journey I did go through a time where I thought I might just want to be "not male." That ended being more about a sexual fetish than what I wanted for the rest of my life, though... but everyone is different, and you'll find a lot of understanding and support here.

[E]

Today I'm confident that what I want is to feel and look like a woman, experience the rest of my life as a woman, and to have others perceive me as a woman. However, in my journey I did go through a time where I thought I might just want to be "not male." That ended being more about a sexual fetish than what I wanted for the rest of my life, though... but everyone is different, and you'll find a lot of understanding and support here.

Thanks. That actually helps a lot, knowing that .

I figure that, me having known about my own transness for just about 2 weeks, my current state of mental unrest may be clouding my vision of own inner desires.

Although obviously, me being asexual, fetishism has little impact on my views.

[mtfbuckeye]

What I thought I wanted at an earlier stage  was to just have nothing "downstairs." To just be smooth with no easily identifiable sexual organs, and decide from day-to-day if I felt like presenting myself to the world as a man, a woman, or a mixture of the two. Some people want this, and even achieve it, but my path became clear to me upon reflection and with a lot of therapy (not just for GID but also for depression, anxiety, etc).. That womanhood was what I wanted; the particular configuration of my genitals became WAY less important once I realized that (I'd much rather be a woman who happens to still have a penis than a man or an androgynous person without one).. make any sense?

[Fenrir]

Welcome, E! Just reading around other peoples' experiences is a great help in trying to figure out what steps you want to take to be happy in yourself. There are all kinds of people here with all kinds of experiences, like someone who started off on testosterone blockers with an androgynous identity and ended up fully transitioning, there's someone else who was on estrogen for a while, then stopped... at any rate, if you've only been considering the possibility for two weeks, your head might still be spinning. Take your time, read around, and see what happens!
Nice to meet a fellow asexual, too. 

[E]

What I thought I wanted at an earlier stage  was to just have nothing "downstairs." To just be smooth with no easily identifiable sexual organs, and decide from day-to-day if I felt like presenting myself to the world as a man, a woman, or a mixture of the two. Some people want this, and even achieve it, but my path became clear to me upon reflection and with a lot of therapy (not just for GID but also for depression, anxiety, etc).. That womanhood was what I wanted; the particular configuration of my genitals became WAY less important once I realized that (I'd much rather be a woman who happens to still have a penis than a man or an androgynous person without one).. make any sense?

Hmm... that might be the way I'll go, too. However, at the moment, I don't find the thought of any particular "constellation" down below satisfying.

I'm just lucky not to be suffering from any other mental problems at this time. That might make things bad...

Welcome, E! Just reading around other peoples' experiences is a great help in trying to figure out what steps you want to take to be happy in yourself. There are all kinds of people here with all kinds of experiences, like someone who started off on testosterone blockers with an androgynous identity and ended up fully transitioning, there's someone else who was on estrogen for a while, then stopped... at any rate, if you've only been considering the possibility for two weeks, your head might still be spinning. Take your time, read around, and see what happens!
Nice to meet a fellow asexual, too. 

*waves* When the entire world's obsessed with basket weaving ...

My head's been spinning for the last... *checks diary* ...15 days. Constantly. Vertigoooo !

My plan was to do just that. Just reading about the experiences that others have had is an immeasurable help, not to mention being absolutely fascinating .

(PS: Does this site stop demanding CAPTCHA-solvage at any point?)

(PPS: I like your screenname, Fenrir .)

[mtfbuckeye]

E,
Feel free to send me your email address if you feel like talking more in depth about this stuff...

Johnnie

[E]

E,
Feel free to send me your email address if you feel like talking more in depth about this stuff...

Johnnie

Sure. PMing away.

Sorry - it's the e-mail I registered here under, and it, in turn, is registered under a pseudonym. The reason for this is that my "real" e-mail gives away my actual name.

EDIT: Err - or, maybe not ? I can't find a PM function.

Oh, and the CAPTCHA seems gone. 5 posts was the limit?

[mtfbuckeye]

E,
takes about 2 minutes to create a new gmail account Let me know where you'd like me to email you at

[Mara]

I just got here myself, but welcome!

Sure. PMing away.

Sorry - it's the e-mail I registered here under, and it, in turn, is registered under a pseudonym. The reason for this is that my "real" e-mail gives away my actual name.

EDIT: Err - or, maybe not ? I can't find a PM function.

Oh, and the CAPTCHA seems gone. 5 posts was the limit?

You need 15 posts before you can send PMs, but apparently you can respond to them before that time.  Also, the CAPTCHA went away for me after five posts too.  Maybe mtfbuckeye could PM you first so you could reply?

[E]

Eh, screw that - I'll just post it here:

yetagainimdead at aim.com

Reason for the name: Random phrase. I wanted yetanotheraccounttokeeptrackof, but it was too long, and all shorter varieties were taken, so I just took a phrase out of the blue.


Hi, Mara *waves* !

[Janet_Girl]

Hi E,

Welcome to our little family. Over 3300 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation Rules
  

And after 15 posts you will have more options open to you.

Hugs and Love,
Janet

[Jillieann Rose]

Hi E,
Looks like you have already took the first step into a new world.
Seeing a psychologist and joining Susan's are good first step.
As many of us here it took me some time to figure out what I am and what I wanted to do about it. I have had a few starts and then backed off because of family. But now I am going foward in my transition.
Oh I'm just blabbing away again.
Glad you joined. See you around.
Jillieann

[ilanthefirst]

Welcome, E!  I feel pretty similarly, but in the other direction (from F to ?). 

My hope is primarily to learn whether or not I do fit into one of those categories. I hope so - it'd make my life a lot simpler.

That's why I'm here, too, so I think we're both in good company.  (-:  Good luck figuring things out, and I look forward to seeing you around!

[E]

Hi E,
Looks like you have already took the first step into a new world.
Seeing a psychologist and joining Susan's are good first step.
As many of us here it took me some time to figure out what I am and what I wanted to do about it. I have had a few starts and then backed off because of family. But now I am going foward in my transition.
Oh I'm just blabbing away again.
Glad you joined. See you around.
Jillieann

Hi - thank you. Actually, I joined another forum first, but left because of its hostile nature. This place seems nice, though, but I'll still be a little careful before committing myself to is long-term.
My thinking is, if I'm going to transition I'd like to do it while I'm still as young as possible. Unfortunately, my life situation is very complicated at the moment, mainly because of this issue, and it doesn't look like I'll be able to find any adequate way out. The one good thing about being asexual, though, is I hardly have to worry about family that much.

Don't worry about blabbing away - I do that, too, and I enjoy reading others' blabbing. So, blab on !

See you around !

Welcome, E!  I feel pretty similarly, but in the other direction (from F to ?). 

That's why I'm here, too, so I think we're both in good company.  (-:  Good luck figuring things out, and I look forward to seeing you around!

Thanks ! Good luck to you too, and I look forward to talking to you in the future .

[Lacey Lynne]

Welcome, E! Just reading around other peoples' experiences is a great help in trying to figure out what steps you want to take to be happy in yourself. There are all kinds of people here with all kinds of experiences, like someone who started off on testosterone blockers with an androgynous identity and ended up fully transitioning, there's someone else who was on estrogen for a while, then stopped... at any rate, if you've only been considering the possibility for two weeks, your head might still be spinning. Take your time, read around, and see what happens!
Nice to meet a fellow asexual, too. 

Well said, Fenrir!

You're more than okay just the way you are.  Categories?  They don't really matter much in the end.  How do YOU feel about your self-definition?  Good, I'm sure.  THAT'S what really matters. 

We're about acceptance here, and you'll find all kinds of accurate information and understanding people also.  Go at your own pace and enjoy this place.  Hope you will feel at home here. 

Our best to you!   

[E]

You're more than okay just the way you are.  Categories?  They don't really matter much in the end.  How do YOU feel about your self-definition?  Good, I'm sure.  THAT'S what really matters. 

We're about acceptance here, and you'll find all kinds of accurate information and understanding people also.  Go at your own pace and enjoy this place.  Hope you will feel at home here. 

Our best to you!   

Thanks.

The problem is, social acceptance is highly important to me. While I'd never doubt that the kind and gracious folks on this board would accept me for just the person I am, there's a big world out there, and I can hardly live out my life on here. That's why categories matter - if I find I am indeed MTF, that will mean that I'll have a much easier time achieving social acceptance than if I end up just transitioning away from the gender binary.

As for my self-definition, how I feel about it depends on what self-definition we're talking about. If we're talking about the "to thine own self be true", I'm pretty comfortable with that, and have mostly been in the past, too (which is why I've failed to fulfill the male role properly, incidentally). But my current journey of self-discovery is in order to establish exactly what "mine own self" is in this regard.

I'm already enjoying this place . The people seem nice and friendly, and the atmosphere pleasant.

And thank you for the welcome . I find myself saying this a lot lately, but a truth can never be overstated - I appreciate it very, very much .



EDIT: @ mtfbuckeye: All my mail bounces when I try sending it to you. "The address which was undeliverable is listed in the section
labeled: "----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----"."

[ilanthefirst]

The problem is, social acceptance is highly important to me. While I'd never doubt that the kinda and gracious folks on this board would accept me for just the person I am, there's a big world out there, and I can hardly live out my life on here. That's why categories matter - if I find I am indeed MTF, that will mean that I'll have a much easier time achieving social acceptance than if I end up just transitioning away from the gender binary.

Yeah, I keep hearing people talk about "transitioning in a vacuum," doing the things that feel right to them regardless of what anyone else thinks.  But, damn, it's hard to live in the real world while doing that!