And, suddenly - certainty

[E]

Earlier today, I had a therapy session. I told my shrink that, by now, I'm 80% sure I'm MTF. Now, I find that certainty has crept up to 100%. I'm now absolutely, positively sure, not only that I'm male-to-female, but also that transition is not only desirable, but absolutely, unavoidably necessary. I've cried 4 times today because I'm not on spiro yet - more than the entire preceding year put together. I'm getting desperate, but I'm also confident that I can impress myself sufficiently upon the system that they'll put me on spiro soon.

I'm finally certain. I'm both relieved and saddened. My future crystallizes in front of me, and I can finally, finally see the path I need to take. Transition will not be a choice, for me. Without transition, I will be driven to suicide. But that is still decades down the line, and transition will hopefully begin within the next few months. I will make sure it does. Just now, for the moment, my mind is clear, and I feel determination fill me.

My name is Susan, and I am a woman. I may not look it, and the world may not acknowledge me as such, but it will. No matter what barriers are put between me and my transition, I will break them down. No matter who tries to hold me back, they will fail. Because I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

Wish me luck. I'll need every drop of it .

[cynthialee]

Welcome to the rest of your life, the best part of it. The part where you finaly allow yourself to be YOU.

[Mara]

Yay for Susan!!!  And good luck.

[E]

Welcome to the rest of your life, the best part of it. The part where you finaly allow yourself to be YOU.

Yes. I've lived long enough in someone else's image. It's time I woke up. Past time.

Yay for Susan!!!  And good luck.

Thank you, Mara ! *hug*

[Ashley Allison]

Your post was really moving Congratulations on life becoming clearer

[E]

Your post was really moving Congratulations on life becoming clearer

Thank you . I needed to write that, for myself and others.

It's a strange feeling - I'm both relieved, happy, angry, and sad. But things are looking up, at least.

[Colleen Ireland]

WTG, Girl!  I know exactly where you're at, because I was there just a very short time ago (see my ticker).  I can hardly believe the progress I've made in just a few short months!  I won't be on HRT for a while yet, but in the meantime there is SO much I can do.  I'm exploring clothing and makeup, getting therapy (to help me deal with my feelings about how my wife and kids are reacting/will react), attending a support group, and meeting new girlfriends.  And that doesn't even count the time I spend here, learning, learning...

As Cynthialee said, Welcome to the best years.  Congratulations on finally waking up from that long, sad slumber.

[E]

WTG, Girl!  I know exactly where you're at, because I was there just a very short time ago (see my ticker).  I can hardly believe the progress I've made in just a few short months!  I won't be on HRT for a while yet, but in the meantime there is SO much I can do.  I'm exploring clothing and makeup, getting therapy (to help me deal with my feelings about how my wife and kids are reacting/will react), attending a support group, and meeting new girlfriends.  And that doesn't even count the time I spend here, learning, learning...

As Cynthialee said, Welcome to the best years.  Congratulations on finally waking up from that long, sad slumber.

Thank you. I still need to adjust. 25 days ago, I had no idea I was even trans - I just knew I disliked the male gender role. It will be a while 'til I start thinking about makeup, etc., and after transition chances are I'll end up being a bit of a tomboy, anyway (but by no means enough to actually use that word - no car rallies or carpentry or anything).

[Rayalisse]

Wow Susan.  I am still in that limbo, exploring my own identity, 80% certain I'm MtF but want to be absolutely certain that I've exhausted all other possibilities, since transition is such a hard road.

Congratulations on your moment of clarity and I hope transition is natural and you can feel at peace with yourself - good luck. 

Anytime you need us, we're here, feel free to lean on us for support.

::hugs::

[Colleen Ireland]

I had my first therapy session this week, and at the end, I said, "Just for the record, I don't consider myself confused at all on this point, and I fully believe that transition is in my future."  So, what I'm looking to her for is help dealing with my feelings during this time, as well as help exploring myself.  I think she's up to it.  She seems very good.

[Sandy]

You sound like a very determined woman, Susan! It's good to know you.

Welcome, my sister!

-Sandy

[ggina]

after transition chances are I'll end up being a bit of a tomboy

I wonder how many times I've heard that from beginners Don't rush with the definitions, just wait until you're well into it and you might come up with a more feminine answer. Pills, those damn pills, oh how I love them

On another note, yes, you sound strong and determined and I bet you are. But not knowing your past and having only read a few of your posts here, it seems strange for me that the realization came so suddenly for you. What I'd have given for something like that - but no, I only had a few decades worth of questionmarks

Anyway, I wish you the best!

g

[E]

Wow Susan.  I am still in that limbo, exploring my own identity, 80% certain I'm MtF but want to be absolutely certain that I've exhausted all other possibilities, since transition is such a hard road.

Congratulations on your moment of clarity and I hope transition is natural and you can feel at peace with yourself - good luck. 

Anytime you need us, we're here, feel free to lean on us for support.

::hugs::

Thank you .

I'll try to be here for those who need it, too. I'm glad I had such a moment, even though it came in a painful form.

I had my first therapy session this week, and at the end, I said, "Just for the record, I don't consider myself confused at all on this point, and I fully believe that transition is in my future."  So, what I'm looking to her for is help dealing with my feelings during this time, as well as help exploring myself.  I think she's up to it.  She seems very good.

Yes - I had my second session today, and could clear up most doubt I had left in my therapist's mind. Last session I was much more uncertain - all I knew was I didn't want to be male.

I'll have to call him on Monday, and tell him my case just got a bit more urgent.

You sound like a very determined woman, Susan! It's good to know you.

Welcome, my sister!

Thanks !

I can be determined, yes. I can also be quite timid. It all depends on my state of mind at the moment.

I wonder how many times I've heard that from beginners Don't rush with the definitions, just wait until you're well into it and you might come up with a more feminine answer. Pills, those damn pills, oh how I love them

My intention is to become myself. Any definition that ends up fitting, I will accept. That term seems like it will apply somewhat, but if it doesn't, I will discard it, just like I've discarded others in the past.

At the moment, my exact nature after transition is unimportant. All that matters is transition, and for the first time it is more attractive than scary - and it's the single most terrifying thing I can think of, save only dying. That makes it quite attractive indeed.

On another note, yes, you sound strong and determined and I bet you are. But not knowing your past and having only read a few of your posts here, it seems strange for me that the realization came so suddenly for you. What I'd have given for something like that - but no, I only had a few decades worth of questionmarks

My realization was unmistakable - I broke down. It was the most painful moment of clarity I've ever had. It erased my doubt completely.

Well, almost completely. I will not entirely discount the possibility I may be wrong - I am, after all, an academic. But I doubt it.

Anyway, I wish you the best!

Thank you . I wish you the best, too.

[Sandy]

TMy realization was unmistakable - I broke down. It was the most painful moment of clarity I've ever had. It erased my doubt completely.

Well, almost completely. I will not entirely discount the possibility I may be wrong - I am, after all, an academic. But I doubt it.

My moment of realization was quite sudden as well.  In that one brief, bright, shinning moment, I realized that I had been lying to myself for my whole life and that finally everything made sense in my life.  I then spent the next week going through the five stages of grief and acceptance because I also realized in that moment that my life as I knew it was over.

As you go through acceptance and therapy, you will discover if you are truly this way, but at least now you can be completely honest with yourself.  And that is truly the hardest step to take.

-Sandy

[E]

My moment of realization was quite sudden as well.  In that one brief, bright, shinning moment, I realized that I had been lying to myself for my whole life and that finally everything made sense in my life.  I then spent the next week going through the five stages of grief and acceptance because I also realized in that moment that my life as I knew it was over.

As you go through acceptance and therapy, you will discover if you are truly this way, but at least now you can be completely honest with yourself.  And that is truly the hardest step to take.

My first realization was a month ago. I didn't eat for the rest of the week. After that, I've been struggling with uncertainty. Now, the uncertainty is gone. It's like the last door in my mind has opened, and there's nothing more to hide. It's a difficult path ahead, but there's nothing to it - I have to. I've gone through depression, anger, panic, rage, sorrow, fear, and every other emotion I knew existed in the human spectrum, and several I had no idea of. I've spent the last month doing almost nothing at all else than thinking about this, trying to find a way out, some catch I could use to take another path. I found nothing. Meanwhile, my dysphoria has grown. I can no longer leave my apartment without it constantly buzzing about - and I can't stay shut in.

I am this way. The final grain of doubt vanished with today's breakdown.

[Sandy]

I am this way. The final grain of doubt vanished with today's breakdown.

We all breakdown at some point.  You will recover.  Your strength is greater than you know.  And really, the hard part is over.  Everything else is just stuff to figure out on the way to your goal.

"The trip of a thousand miles..."  You have now taken your first step.

-Sandy

[E]

We all breakdown at some point.  You will recover.  Your strength is greater than you know.  And really, the hard part is over.  Everything else is just stuff to figure out on the way to your goal.

"The trip of a thousand miles..."  You have now taken your first step.

Yes. And step 2 is spiro. Step 3 can wait.

I just hope I can manage to hold on long enough to actually get spiro prescribed - I do not want to self-medicate. But my experience today has shown me that I have less time in regard to this step than I'd thought. Much less. I thought I could hold off indefinitely, that spiro was something I "wanted", a good place to start. But the thought of that stuff running through my veins, wreaking even more damage than it has already been allowed to... that is what led me to break down. When such a simple thing could lead me to the very edge of panic...

It is irrational, and would lead nowhere, but I wanted to tear my own skin off in order to stop it. I could see myself begging, screaming in my therapist's face, humiliating myself, just for enough for one single day without testosterone in my bloodstream. One day. And it will happen again, until I give in and buy the drug online, or get a prescription.

I'm pathetic - like an addict. How can you be addicted to the abscence of something you've always been forced to endure?

I'm getting morose. Time to go to bed, methinks. Hopefully, I'll be feeling better in the morning.


Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I'll look back in later. Good night.

[Colleen Ireland]

Yes. And step 2 is spiro. Step 3 can wait...<snip>...
It is irrational, and would lead nowhere, but I wanted to tear my own skin off in order to stop it. I could see myself begging, screaming in my therapist's face, humiliating myself, just for enough for one single day without testosterone in my bloodstream. One day. And it will happen again, until I give in and buy the drug online, or get a prescription.

Just a question... have you talked to your therapist about this?  I don't question your feelings, but I wonder if perhaps giving yourself a better/different mental image might help? 

This:

But the thought of that stuff running through my veins, wreaking even more damage than it has already been allowed to... that is what led me to break down.

That's what I'm talking about.  You are a biological male.  Think about that.  Y chromosome.  At a cellular level, testosterone is what your body (your physical body) is made for.  So I'm not sure that "wreaking... damage" is a very helpful mental image.  And that's what it is.  Okay, so maybe your hair is thinning, or you're going bald.  Me too.  Not sure how old you are, but I'm 54.  I just last night met a trans woman who's just a year older than me, and started her transition at my age, and... she's fabulous!  So I do understand your frustration and impatience to get going, but I'm a bit concerned about you, from your tone.  I'm not asking you to change your mind, or back off, but try to think a little differently, to avoid driving yourself crazy.  I know - I've been there.  There are times when my thoughts are not my friends.  And this is your subconscious talking, and it only deals in present-tense, and just regurgitates what it "knows".  You can re-train it.  When a negative thought comes to your mind, like "I want to rip my skin off!" say "Cancel!" and then follow up with a more positive thought, like "I am strong, and I will get through this."  Or even form a mental picture of yourself as the woman you know you are, fully realized, and focus on that until the pain lessens.  It won't take effect right away, this sort of thing needs repetition, but if you keep at it, things will seem better.  And please keep us posted on how you're doing.

[Sandy]

Susan:

All of us have been where you are.  We have all had the angst of feeling like we have the wrong skin.  Unfortunately the cliche "What cannot be cured, must be endured" applies here.  You are not alone, we understand.

The one consolation is that while much of the bone and hard tissue cannot be reversed through the use of anti-androgens and estrogens, a remarkable amount of change can be seen with the restructuring of the soft tissues and fat redistribution.  Not to mention the other secondary sexual characteristics that go with puberty.

Discuss this openly with your therapist.  It shouldn't be necessary to whine or scream.  Be sure to engage a good endocrinologist or physician to monitor your blood levels during your transition.

You've said that you are an academician.  Then you are familiar with the needs of research.  That is one thing that may help you through this period before you pursue HRT.  We have a very complete wiki here as well as there being some very good sources on the 'net.  Research what you will have to do.  Examine this from all angles.  What steps do you need to follow and in what order?  Changing your gender is the most difficult thing a human being can do in modern society.  I can almost guarantee you that you do not know how many things are touched by your gender and the hoops you will have to jump through to change it.

And yes, please if at all possible, do not self medicate.  As you may know, it is dangerous and damaging.  You haven't mentioned when you will next see your therapist, but if it is just a few weeks then certainly you can hang on a little bit longer. 

And you are not pathetic or an addict.  You may fell like you are becalmed in hell, but, trust me, it will not always be this way.

Be safe, Susan, we are thinking of you.

-Sandy

[E]

Just a question... have you talked to your therapist about this?  I don't question your feelings, but I wonder if perhaps giving yourself a better/different mental image might help?

This all came about very suddenly. I hav not had the opportunity to talk to my therapist about this, but I will.

This:That's what I'm talking about.  You are a biological male.  Think about that.  Y chromosome.  At a cellular level, testosterone is what your body (your physical body) is made for.  So I'm not sure that "wreaking... damage" is a very helpful mental image.  And that's what it is.  Okay, so maybe your hair is thinning, or you're going bald.  Me too.  Not sure how old you are, but I'm 54.  I just last night met a trans woman who's just a year older than me, and started her transition at my age, and... she's fabulous!  So I do understand your frustration and impatience to get going, but I'm a bit concerned about you, from your tone.  I'm not asking you to change your mind, or back off, but try to think a little differently, to avoid driving yourself crazy.  I know - I've been there.  There are times when my thoughts are not my friends.  And this is your subconscious talking, and it only deals in present-tense, and just regurgitates what it "knows".  You can re-train it.  When a negative thought comes to your mind, like "I want to rip my skin off!" say "Cancel!" and then follow up with a more positive thought, like "I am strong, and I will get through this."  Or even form a mental picture of yourself as the woman you know you are, fully realized, and focus on that until the pain lessens.  It won't take effect right away, this sort of thing needs repetition, but if you keep at it, things will seem better.  And please keep us posted on how you're doing.

Just because the thought comes, it does not mean I intend to act on it. That will never happen. Unless tearing my skin off, or screaming at my therapist, could actually remove the testosterone from my body, it will not happen. Just because the urge is there does not mean I can't control it. I also do not intend to act rashly in a moment of desperation or emotion. Part of my coping mechanism to avoid that is talking about this online, so if I post worrying things, that is because doing so helps me to keep sane and in control.

I know testosterone doesn't really do damage. The evidence for that is the FTM forum, where there are people equally desperate to have it in their bloodstream as I am to get it removed. The feeling is there, though. I try to suppress it and ignore it, but it comes sneaking up on me. The main issue is, I'm still pretty young (I said I'm an academician - more accurate would be saying that I'm an academician-in-training), and haven't quite masculinized fully yet. Thus, I feel like I need to keep the final effects away.

In the end, I will need months of therapy before I can commit to transition, but I'm certain the therapist will agree that it is necessary. I do not intend to rush into this. I intend to remain strong, to exercise what willpower I have, and to do this properly, no matter how many breakdowns I have to go through. So long as I know that I still have the possibility for a good day every now and then, I can endure a lot. But not an unlimited amount.

All of us have been where you are.  We have all had the angst of feeling like we have the wrong skin.  Unfortunately the cliche "What cannot be cured, must be endured" applies here.  You are not alone, we understand.

I know. And knowing that others have been down this path before, and endured, helps me do the same.

The one consolation is that while much of the bone and hard tissue cannot be reversed through the use of anti-androgens and estrogens, a remarkable amount of change can be seen with the restructuring of the soft tissues and fat redistribution.  Not to mention the other secondary sexual characteristics that go with puberty.

This, I know. I also believe I have a reasonably good starting point.

Discuss this openly with your therapist.  It shouldn't be necessary to whine or scream.  Be sure to engage a good endocrinologist or physician to monitor your blood levels during your transition.

I intend to do this, yes. I also intend to remain calm and composed when talking to my therapist. As long as I do not suffer another breakdown during a session, that should be possible.

You've said that you are an academician.  Then you are familiar with the needs of research.  That is one thing that may help you through this period before you pursue HRT.  We have a very complete wiki here as well as there being some very good sources on the 'net.  Research what you will have to do.  Examine this from all angles.  What steps do you need to follow and in what order?  Changing your gender is the most difficult thing a human being can do in modern society.  I can almost guarantee you that you do not know how many things are touched by your gender and the hoops you will have to jump through to change it.

I have spent my last month in research and contemplation, and will continue doing so. Your advice is good.

And yes, please if at all possible, do not self medicate.  As you may know, it is dangerous and damaging.  You haven't mentioned when you will next see your therapist, but if it is just a few weeks then certainly you can hang on a little bit longer.

My therapist and I had agreed he had nothing more to offer me, and I had to be referred to a specialist. Now, I see that judgement was premature. I will call him on Monday, when the phone line opens, and have another session set up. The waiting time should be below a month.

I do not intend to self-medicate, and if I end up in desperate enough straits to do so, I will only self-administer anti-androgens. Because HRT is too dangerous for me to gamble on. If I end up truly depserate for HRT, I will instead travel out-of-country to somewhere nearby, like Denmark or Holland, and get it prescribed there.

And you are not pathetic or an addict.  You may fell like you are becalmed in hell, but, trust me, it will not always be this way.

Be safe, Susan, we are thinking of you.

Thank you. And please be reassured, I will not do anything brash. This decision is too important for that. I may be certain about it, but delusion cannot be ruled out. My therapist will have the final word.