Dating straight guys?

[Britney♥Bieber]

I keep hearing from people that they don't think a straight guy would be okay with dating a transgender woman and it's getting to me more and more. Like do I transition and risk ending up alone? Or do I stay in this body as much as I hate it, and increase my chances of not being alone? I mean thinking about not transitioning is such an unhappy thought for me but idk I'm just really scared right now. I've never felt more upset about my body and being born male than I do. It's just getting to me and I'm scared.

[V M]

Most of the guys on the transgender dating site I visit consider themselves to be straight guys...

Some of them are nice, others are just trolling hose monsters 

I'm actually rather surprised at how many "straight" guys like trans women... I haven't found that special someone yet, but I'm sure there's a special someone out there somewhere for you 

[JennX]

I keep hearing from people that they don't think a straight guy would be okay with dating a transgender woman and it's getting to me more and more. Like do I transition and risk ending up alone? Or do I stay in this body as much as I hate it, and increase my chances of not being alone? I mean thinking about not transitioning is such an unhappy thought for me but idk I'm just really scared right now. I've never felt more upset about my body and being born male than I do. It's just getting to me and I'm scared.

What specifically are you afraid of? Being alone? Not finding someone?
Don't worry, as my mom always says, and life has proven her correct, there's a special someone for everyone. Everyone. Trust me.

I can also assure you and try to quell any fears that many "straight guys" are definitely OK with dating MTF trans-persons... even a preop MTF... I'm living proof. I pretty much exclusively date what the masses would term "straight hetero" males. They really are not as judgemental and scary as you might think. Seriously. Many are looking for the same things we are. Love, understanding, companionship, etc. Also to most guys: If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and moves like a duck, it's a duck. If you present yourself and act like a female, that's how they should treat you. That's it. This will vary on an individual basis, how well you pass, and so forth, but it really is not that unusual. Most guys I tell about me being a preop MTF upfront or at least on the 2nd or 3rd date if I see a future, but other times I have gone out with "straight hetero" guys that honestly have not had a clue about my past. I can site several specific examples if necessary.

[sysm29]

First of all, Kimberly Jean, You have beautiful eyes.

I'm in a very similar place you are.  I'm 25, and I'm very lonely.  I've never ever been on a date, nobody's ever asked me out and since my shell says "dude", no straight men would ever ask me out.  I would date a girl but its just not in there inside of me to do it.  I can't be a straight guy because I'm really a straight girl. 

For those of us that pass, and there are some very fortunate ones that should get down on their hands and knees and thank God that they do, I think they're the ones that might attract men.  It really depends on how good you look as a girl I think and also your confidence.  It's ironic that transgender women need twice the confidence of GGs really to live their daily lives but we probably struggle more than they do with that because of our situations. 

If you're pretty facially, I think guys will respond to that, no matter how old they are.  If something's off, they'll pick it up.  I think men are biologically designed to mate with women and I really do think they know if a woman's really a "guy" or not.  I think if you pass and you're pretty, I think that you could possibly have an actual life dating straight men.  Many transgender women that I have met though are lesbians. 

[Rosa]

I dated a "straight"  guy and did not even present as a woman, but he treated me like a woman.  Really confused me at first until I found out there were other guys like him.  I'm sure it would be much easier and more fulfilling with woman parts though.

[April Dawne]

Nobody has mentioned this yet, so I will.

Does their orientation really matter? Why such a focus on dating "straight" men? Whether they identify as straight, bi, pansexual, gay, etc., shouldn't matter really. As long as he's a guy, and he's into you, everything else is just details.

First, work on being happy with you. Then think about dating. You can't have a healthy relationship with anyone if you don't have a healthy relationship with YOU. Being miserable isn't attractive to anyone

<3 you!

~April~

[Alexmakenoise]

First, I hope it's ok that I'm posting in this thread, considering that I'm not mtf.

Anyway, I put off dealing with being trans for quite a while, and a large part of it was because I didn't want to lose my partner and have slim chances of finding another partner.  Having spent almost all of my adult life in serious relationships, being alone seemed kind of scary.  I also really appreciated my partner and didn't want to lose the relationship if I wasn't completely sure it was worth it.

But being trans increasingly became an issue within relationships.  Whenever I got close to a guy, I felt like I was deceiving him.  I would commit to someone and then back out of that commitment, knowing that I couldn't realistically promise anyone anything without knowing for sure whether or not I wanted to transition.  Maybe it would have been different with a bi guy (and it IS different in my current relationship), but the guys I was with were straight so I feared it could become an issue and just didn't want to put anyone through that if it could be avoided.  I realized that I really needed to transition if I was ever going to before making a serious commitment to anyone.  Otherwise, it might not be fair. 

(Then I ended up getting involved and committing, even though I still haven't transitioned, but he's uniquely good for me and loves me for who I am regardless of what I am, which is rare, but can certainly happen!)

Just wanted to share my story in case it has any relevance.  Best of luck!

[Karla]

Hi Kimberley, the fear of being alone is a very big issue and it still drives me to tears some days, but I realized if I didn't transition I'd be so much more lonely. Maybe I will meet someone special someday who will accept and love me for who I am, where untrasitioned I'm just guaranteed an empty life where I will push everyone away from me.

And I agree with sysm29, you have such cute eyes.

*hugs*

[sarahm]

You look quite young, and already have a fairly feminine face, so don't worry about it until you have been on hormones for over 6 months.

I used to look very male, now, 5 months 3 weeks later, I have Bs and look just like most girls, maybe the slightest hint of masculinity, but that will vanish soon enough.

I transitioned at 21.

[V M]

That's right, you do have some rather nice features to start with plus you have your youth on your side 

A little while on HRT and you'll and you'll have to beat the boys back with a stick 

[Britney♥Bieber]

Most of the guys on the transgender dating site I visit consider themselves to be straight guys...

Some of them are nice, others are just trolling hose monsters 

I'm actually rather surprised at how many "straight" guys like trans women... I haven't found that special someone yet, but I'm sure there's a special someone out there somewhere for you 

Thanks Virginia. I hope theirs someone out there for me too. And everyone.

What specifically are you afraid of? Being alone? Not finding someone?
Don't worry, as my mom always says, and life has proven her correct, there's a special someone for everyone. Everyone. Trust me.

I can also assure you and try to quell any fears that many "straight guys" are definitely OK with dating MTF trans-persons... even a preop MTF... I'm living proof. I pretty much exclusively date what the masses would term "straight hetero" males. They really are not as judgemental and scary as you might think. Seriously. Many are looking for the same things we are. Love, understanding, companionship, etc. Also to most guys: If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and moves like a duck, it's a duck. If you present yourself and act like a female, that's how they should treat you. That's it. This will vary on an individual basis, how well you pass, and so forth, but it really is not that unusual. Most guys I tell about me being a preop MTF upfront or at least on the 2nd or 3rd date if I see a future, but other times I have gone out with "straight hetero" guys that honestly have not had a clue about my past. I can site several specific examples if necessary.

I'm just afraid of being alone. I feel like I've been alone my whole life, never had a boyfriend and most of my friends ended up screwing me over.

First of all, Kimberly Jean, You have beautiful eyes.

I'm in a very similar place you are.  I'm 25, and I'm very lonely.  I've never ever been on a date, nobody's ever asked me out and since my shell says "dude", no straight men would ever ask me out.  I would date a girl but its just not in there inside of me to do it.  I can't be a straight guy because I'm really a straight girl. 

For those of us that pass, and there are some very fortunate ones that should get down on their hands and knees and thank God that they do, I think they're the ones that might attract men.  It really depends on how good you look as a girl I think and also your confidence.  It's ironic that transgender women need twice the confidence of GGs really to live their daily lives but we probably struggle more than they do with that because of our situations. 

If you're pretty facially, I think guys will respond to that, no matter how old they are.  If something's off, they'll pick it up.  I think men are biologically designed to mate with women and I really do think they know if a woman's really a "guy" or not.  I think if you pass and you're pretty, I think that you could possibly have an actual life dating straight men.  Many transgender women that I have met though are lesbians. 

Thank you!! I feel like we are in the same position. haha never had a bf and never wanted a gf.

I dated a "straight"  guy and did not even present as a woman, but he treated me like a woman.  Really confused me at first until I found out there were other guys like him.  I'm sure it would be much easier and more fulfilling with woman parts though.

I know that they exist but I don't think I'd ever meet anyone like that.

Nobody has mentioned this yet, so I will.

Does their orientation really matter? Why such a focus on dating "straight" men? Whether they identify as straight, bi, pansexual, gay, etc., shouldn't matter really. As long as he's a guy, and he's into you, everything else is just details.

First, work on being happy with you. Then think about dating. You can't have a healthy relationship with anyone if you don't have a healthy relationship with YOU. Being miserable isn't attractive to anyone

<3 you!

~April~

Mommmyyy
I didn't really think about that. I don't mean just straight guys though, I just mean guys that happen to like women But you're right. Me first.

First, I hope it's ok that I'm posting in this thread, considering that I'm not mtf.

Anyway, I put off dealing with being trans for quite a while, and a large part of it was because I didn't want to lose my partner and have slim chances of finding another partner.  Having spent almost all of my adult life in serious relationships, being alone seemed kind of scary.  I also really appreciated my partner and didn't want to lose the relationship if I wasn't completely sure it was worth it.

But being trans increasingly became an issue within relationships.  Whenever I got close to a guy, I felt like I was deceiving him.  I would commit to someone and then back out of that commitment, knowing that I couldn't realistically promise anyone anything without knowing for sure whether or not I wanted to transition.  Maybe it would have been different with a bi guy (and it IS different in my current relationship), but the guys I was with were straight so I feared it could become an issue and just didn't want to put anyone through that if it could be avoided.  I realized that I really needed to transition if I was ever going to before making a serious commitment to anyone.  Otherwise, it might not be fair. 

(Then I ended up getting involved and committing, even though I still haven't transitioned, but he's uniquely good for me and loves me for who I am regardless of what I am, which is rare, but can certainly happen!)

Just wanted to share my story in case it has any relevance.  Best of luck!

Thanks for sharing!! And some people have mentioned me dating a gay guy or something and a few months ago that's what I was looking for, but I don't want to get into a relationship that has an expiration date ya know? =X

Hi Kimberley, the fear of being alone is a very big issue and it still drives me to tears some days, but I realized if I didn't transition I'd be so much more lonely. Maybe I will meet someone special someday who will accept and love me for who I am, where untrasitioned I'm just guaranteed an empty life where I will push everyone away from me.

And I agree with sysm29, you have such cute eyes.

*hugs*

Thanks bb <3 I feel like I'd be much more happy if I transition, being a boy now makes me so sad.

You look quite young, and already have a fairly feminine face, so don't worry about it until you have been on hormones for over 6 months.

I used to look very male, now, 5 months 3 weeks later, I have Bs and look just like most girls, maybe the slightest hint of masculinity, but that will vanish soon enough.

I transitioned at 21.

omg thank you!! I cannot wait to transition! And omg bs in 5 months?! YAY

That's right, you do have some rather nice features to start with plus you have your youth on your side 

A little while on HRT and you'll and you'll have to beat the boys back with a stick 

Thanks again I can't wait to turn a guy down hahaha. jk but it would feel nice knowing that someone was interested

I hate the ->-bleeped-<-s & admirers.  They are penis obsessed.  If they weren't they wouldn't be trolling trans dating sites, ya know?

I refuse to be in a relationship where the whole relationship is based and focused on the one body part I despise the most and that has caused me 50 years of misery and despair.

Date a ->-bleeped-<- and see where he goes after you're post-op and his beloved sex toy is no more.  He'll hit the road and resume trolling for penis on the trans dating sites again.

I've decided that now that I have only a few months to go before I'll have normal girl bits, I'm putting off all dating.  After I'm all healed up and can have normal female / male sex, I'll see what I can find out there in cis straight land.

I don't care what admirers and ->-bleeped-<-s consider themselves, straight, gay, bi, whatever, the bottom line is that they seek penis, period.  Think about it.  They want you because you have what you don't want.

I agree with you!! I'm not really going to put much effort into dating until post op, but that might change. I won't be able to afford it for a while But a ->-bleeped-<- would leave sooner than that because I don't think I could use my penis with someone else. I can't even imagine a dr touching my genitals during a physical. The thought of sex with it just...I don't like it. I never have really. All I want is to be penetrated, and while the back doors unlocked (for the right guy, I'm not easy lol!), I'd rather not if I had the option.






Thanks again everyone. I had time to think about it today and I would rather be a woman with no boyfriend than a man with many. The more I imagine my future as a homosexual male the more I want and need to be female. Whether I end up straight bi or lesbian. I'm pretty sure I'm straight though

[kyril]

Nobody has mentioned this yet, so I will.

Does their orientation really matter? Why such a focus on dating "straight" men? Whether they identify as straight, bi, pansexual, gay, etc., shouldn't matter really. As long as he's a guy, and he's into you, everything else is just details.

Yes, their orientation matters. Gay men are into men. Straight men are into women. Even if a man who is into women is into me, the relationship dynamic is different. What he expects out of it is different. He's romantically and sexually oriented toward women, and I am not a woman, and that affects the relationship in a lot of ways.

I've had medium- and long-term relationships with both straight and gay guys while still presenting female. With the straight guys, the body chemistry obviously worked better. But with the gay guys, the relationship chemistry worked far better. It does matter. And I'm hoping that when my body's more in line with what it ought to be, I'll be able to enjoy both kinds of chemistry with the same person.

[Northern Jane]

Well put Kyril.

A VERY dear friend of many years is, shall we say, "flaming gay" and we are incredibly close. The friendship is amazing. We connected the moment we met and get together whenever we are in the same vicinity. He is incredibly handsome, funny, serious, open, and loving.

We have often joked about our relationship. I suggested that if he ever wanted to switch sides he should give me a call - "Not a chance!" was his reply. I told him that if I had known someone like him when I was young maybe I would have kept 'the factory equipment' - he laughed and said "It wouldn't have mattered. You're ALL GIRL, with out without a willie, and I am totally into men!" LOL!

Bottom line is that it isn't about the body - it's about the person. The only problem is that many straight men are such homo-phobes they question their own sexuality if their girl isn't 100% factory issue normal female.

[Dana Lane]

I dated a "straight"  guy and did not even present as a woman, but he treated me like a woman.  Really confused me at first until I found out there were other guys like him.  I'm sure it would be much easier and more fulfilling with woman parts though.

There are definitely guys like this out there. I was just crossing over my androgynous stage and was wearing makeup but no way passed in presentation as a female.  In one week I had a guy at a local bar I frequent attach to me and was all over me. Literally. He kept saying he was a straight guy but found himself incredibly attracted to me. He was kissing me in a straight rednecky irish pub! Then another guy pretty much the same thing at another irish pub. They were both attracted to me as a female.

Now there are those 'admirers' out there which basically means they like girls that have man parts. While I have no intention of ever having an intimate relationship with them there is still companionship there. There should be no shortage of dates! At least in my experience.

I really can't wait to get my surgery and FFS done, though. I would really not have to date in my limbo state.

[Britney♥Bieber]

I still have an account on one of the trans dating sites.  I don't put any effort into it I just check in every few days so I can laugh and click delete on the ->-bleeped-<-s that have viewed my profile or have sent me messages there.

This morning one sent me a message, he said I was sexy (ha!) and wanted to  chat.
I looked at his pic and he was cute enough so I said WTF and gave him my yahoo id so we could chat.
First thing he asks me is if I'm interested.  I said I would like to get to know him first, I wasn't looking for an instant hook up.
He says "what's the hold up?"
I say lets get to know each other.  He says he agrees.
Then he asks me "So do you top?"

I told him "No, I said it in my profile, I do not top, at all, ever, with anyone, male, female or Martian."

*CLICK*

He instantly cut the chat and disconnected the second I replied that I do not top.

Friggin jerk. 

I can't wait until I can date within cis world.  I know there are plenty of jerks there too but at least I won't have to put up with that sort of crap anymore.  5 more months..........   

I'm sorry Dee. But hey five months! You are so closeee! =D

[Nigella]

Hi there,

I've fully transitioned and came to the conclusion that no one would want me. I still would like a relationship but I kind of thought that would never happen. When I was about to be discharged from the hospital after my GRS/SRS two months ago the specialist nurse said when I was ready for a relationship and wanted to make love with someone phone her and she would tell me of the best positions to start with. Well I said to her that I expected not to because no one ever wanting me.

I'd love to start dating but I guess I'm scared and also I would not know where or how to start. I've broke up with the one love of my life 3 years ago after 27 years of marriage and to start trusting someone again scares me.

Stardust

[Janet_Girl]

Why be hung up on the orientation, or even the gender.  Many of us are self proclaimed lesbian.  I have been chatting with a gal, online.  And she know my situation.  And she still calls me her Girlfriend.

[Ayaname]

I've actually run into quite a few guys who are straight but are still ok with dating trans girls. All of the guys that have been interested in me didn't know I was trans at first but were still interested after finding out. And these were guys who never had and never will have any desire to actually seek out trans girls to date.

[Rosa]

I've actually run into quite a few guys who are straight but are still ok with dating trans girls. All of the guys that have been interested in me didn't know I was trans at first but were still interested after finding out. And these were guys who never had and never will have any desire to actually seek out trans girls to date.

This I still don't understand.  What determines the difference between a guy that finds out you are trans and is OK with it as opposed to the guy that finds out and wants nothing more to do with you, or worse.  Are they just more open minded, different type of sexual orientation, or what.

I continue to be happily surprised at hearing pre-op girls on this site tell how their partner is staying with them.  I know it doesn't always work that way, but I'm surprised none the less. 

[Ayaname]

This I still don't understand.  What determines the difference between a guy that finds out you are trans and is OK with it as opposed to the guy that finds out and wants nothing more to do with you, or worse.  Are they just more open minded, different type of sexual orientation, or what.

I continue to be happily surprised at hearing pre-op girls on this site tell how their partner is staying with them.  I know it doesn't always work that way, but I'm surprised none the less.

I wish I knew how to answer that. I don't quite understand it myself. I'd like to believe that these guys are just more open minded, but who knows?