Why did this happen?

[Iceprincess]

Well, I've been off the forums lately 'cause I've had a lot of things to do (homework, study, go to the gym, etc.), and I'm so glad I'm finally back n_n

But well, this is more like a rant to vent out about what happened today, so if I don't make sense or whatever, say what you want xD.

Anyway, I had an appointment with my shrink this morning, as usual, to discuss my daily issues and my gender identity. We talked about a lot of things, but there's something that she mentioned that I just, didn't like AT ALL.

Before I continue, I need to clear up that my situation is a bit complicated (mother not understanding and trying to pretend that nothing happens, and thinking I'm ok, a father who cares about me but who I barely see, and don't know how he might react when I come out, I'm hoping that he could help me financially to achieve this, he's wealthy enough to help me with everything if he wanted to, but it's a very unpredictable situation). Aaaand, my mother expects me to act as a guy always, so it's almost impossible to do things like learn how to wear makeup, shave my legs, get girl clothes, work on my voice (even though I find time to do this XD) among other things I'd like to do.

She (my therapist, during our session) considered all this and, she also added to the mix that I was going to live whole new experiences at college, and that I should open myself to the possibilities it could bring: "I think that you should consider as an alternative to wait until your 4th year of college to start transitioning, because it could be shocking for your schoolmates to see such changes in you if you did it now, or in a year."

Maybe I'm misinterpreting it (maybe she meant going full time by then, which doesn't sounds that bad as long as I could get on HRT in less than a year from today), and I really hope that was the case but, why would she consider this as an option? Why would she want me to wait another 4 years to see if I can adapt as a guy?

I've though about it, and I just don't like the idea AT ALL. Maybe if I could get on HRT like, in April 2011 and go full time by then, maybe, yes. Then again, I just feel like I can't waste any more time living as a guy and seeing how my body becomes into something I despise.

She also mentioned something: "You seem to have a contradictory way of thinking: You want to start transitioning immediately, yet you're scared of what the future could bring."

I could justify this by saying that yes, I'm scared of what could happen: losing my loved ones (parents, friends, family), being rejected from nice jobs or not being able to do business because I'd get rejected, not having the results I'd expect (I'm not asking to look like a supermodel) and being excluded by society in general.

Yeah, because you need to be reckless and not care about anything in order to really be trans.

That's it!

/end of rant n_n

Discuss

Iceprincess out.

[rejennyrated]

All I can say is that is exactly what was said to me at age 18 by my therapist. I saw him from 1976 to 1978.

The end result in my case was simply that I lost 5 years, to no good purpose, trying to be a young man that if they had bothered to read my medical notes and do the blooming tests properly they would probably have realised that I wasn't anyway! Because as it turns out I had an undiscovered intersex condition! Jeez!

Back then I lacked the support of forums like this, and against my better judgement I allowed myself to be bullied into waiting. That is the ONLY think in my entire life that I really regret and would go back and change if I had my time again.

Now I am not you, and YOU are the only person who can tell what is right for you, but what I can tell you is that if you want to make progress with a therapist you have to be clear in your own mind, and you have to be prepared to show them that this is clearly what you want. A therapists job is to bowl you bouncers and curve balls to find out how you react.

If you react by going into a funk and being all unsure then maybe they have proved their point. If on the other hand you go back a week or so later and metaphorically thump the table and say "NO you are WRONG - I've listened politely, and thought about it but you are definitely wrong. This is what i want, this is what I am going to do, it's my life, so now you either help me, or I find someone else who will..." or words to that effect - then the likelyhood is that you will get what you want.

Bottom - line - don't get angry with your therapist for asking questions, because that is their job, but be firm about what you want, and also be firm to the point of making it clear that if the therapist isn't prepared to work with you towards that goal then you will finding another therapist PDQ.

[Melody Maia]

I'm no expert, but college to me seems like the perfect place to transition as long as it is not a conservative religious institiution of some sort. I dearly wish I had had the courage to face my problems and transition then. Frankly, my close college friends are the ones who are taking the news of my transition the best. They "got it" right away and have been actively helping. Others say they are supportive and then disappear for a bit.

As for fear, I would think you would have to be incredibly naive not to have them. I would be much more worried if you had none. I am scared out of my mind, but I have much more to lose than you. I am also still  transitioning despite the fear and emotional and physical pain I have already suffered and will suffer. Courage is the act of facing your fears and still doing what must be done. I don't know you beyond your words here, but I have a feeling you are courageous.   

[Janet_Girl]

Iceprincess, I did the whole live as a guy for 54 years.  Let me tell you that I wish I hadn't.  I became suicidal several times.  I got to the point that I just did not care about life.

Talk to your therapist and ask why do you have to wait.  College is a good time to begin, because most of them are very eclectic in nature.  It would not be a shock to the students.

Yes you may lose everything, but gain your whole life.

[spacial]

I'm gonna back up Jenny here, to an extent.

I hope you don't think I'm being presumptious, but I am pretty sure what is going on here.

Your mother is trying to ignore the situation. You are having problems dealing with her.

Your father doesn't yet know. You are unsure of how he will react.

You are attempting to humour your mother's vision of you as a boy. You are still in a bit of a panic, so to speak, about how your dad will react, or how to tell him.

Now, as Jenny says, these people sometimes like to throw curved balls. I know they don't want to put themselves into a position of telling you what to do.

So, for her attitude, try this. There's an old saying, 'I'm not popular enough to be different.' This makes perfect sense. think about any group. There are always a few excentrics, the funny one, the strong one, the chaotic one, the angry one, the one who never turns up. Think about these and other excentrics within any group. Think about how they fit in with the rest. The funny one, if his humour is spontanious and non-threating, tends to be popular. Otherwise, he is just a pain. The strong one, if he picks fights is a pain. The angry one is usually a pain. The one who never turns up, they give up.

I am pretty certain, as certain as I can be, that she is suggesting you wait till your position in the college community is secure. However that works out.

So, this is what I might consider doing. It isn't advice. I am not you. I won't say I would do this, just consider it.

I might go to college and as I make friends, tell them about myself. I would take a little time before getting too much into the personal stuff, too much information as they call it.

But from the start I would dress in a manner that says I am essentially feminine. Not female clothing as such, no padding, no makeup.

Bright colours at first. If you can try for the androgeny look.

As I get to know people and they ask I make it clear, 'I need to be female. It's the way I've always been. I intend to do something about this as and when I can. I won't try to justify it because I can't. It's just who I am. I'm not after your boyfriends, I'm not after you. '

Now I'm not saying I would make that little speech as it is. That would be seriously weird and back to the Too much information bit. But that is what I will have in my mind.

Apart from that, I would make a load of effort to get along with people. To enjoy the same things they do. Join a few clubs. Avoid drugs and alcohol like a diabetic avoids sugar, but never to preach a message. (Believe me, this is a plus, finantially as well as accademically).

Gradually, as I become more confident with my friends and myself, gradually exapnd my appearance. But always in a discrete and subtle way.

As the college progresses, I know that, eventually, I will be able to go to a party or similar as me.

Now, as I said, that is just me. But you could think about what you want to do.

[K8]

College is a good time to try things out, especially if you are going to one that is not in the same town as your family.  Lots of people try lots of things.  Most colleges these days have an active LGBT group that does include us T's.

You might tell your therapist that you see college as a good opportunity to explore and break free, and ask her why she thinks you should wait.

We need support and information during transition, and we need to think carefully about consequences, but ultimately it is our decision.

But as Spacial is saying, it isn't an all-or-nothing thing.  Try a few things, edge into it, see how it goes.

Good luck, dear.

- Kate

[Izumi]

I transitioned at 32.  I regret everyday i didnt do it as soon as i possibly could, but let me give you some advice.

#1) you can start your transition without being full time - start on HRT (it takes a while to work), when you feel you look enough like a woman that you are comfortable, that is when you go full time.

#2) the sooner you start hair removal the better (electro/laser)

#3) get your body in shape for the transition, if your body is in good shape, hormones will work better then if your body isnt in proper nutrition, thats not to say things wont happen, but they typically will happen slower.

#4) if you can get injections instead of pills do that, it works faster, if not patch is 2nd best option.

#5) if you want to learn makeup, i recommend going to a cosmetics place, like for me it was MAC, they gave me a natural look and explained how to put it on, but cosmetics are pricey.

#6) Cloths - you will need to find "YOUR LOOK", basically to do that you got to try on a lot of cloths at stores and find the styles of clothing that work with your body, dont be sad if you put something on and it looks terrible, not all girls can fit into that dress right.  There are a lot of factors and womens bodies vary much more then mens.  A size 8 isnt always a size 8 heh..  Try on one style of jeans it fits.. try another the same size it doesnt...   The goal in finding your look is to find the styles of clothing that maximize what good things your body has and minimize the bad.  For example.. small straps / no straps, and V, U, or Straight cut tops work for me, but broad straps make my shoulders look to big.  The more i am on HRT the more styles of clothing seem I seem to be able to wear now without issue.  Cloths are big thing,  Make sure you pick something age appropriate, check out what girls are wearing around campus and take mental notes or pictures to help in your shopping. 

#7) you will need shoes to go with those outfits

#8) you will need to find a job to pay for HRT, shoes, cosmetics, and cloths. 

#9) unless your date is another woman, THE GUY ALWAYS PAYS!  because they dont need 2 hours to get ready, 200+ dollars in cosmetics, or a closet full of shoes and cloths.   


i could write more but i will stop there.

[Iceprincess]

I'm not going to immediately assume she's a bad therapist just because of this, as stated by another member, it could be a test. She's a very good therapist and for some reason, I don't doubt on her skills but, I feel like I need to make it clear that this is the path I want to pursue in my life.

One thing is true: this incident made me think a lot and, I feel more than ready to take this challenge, whatever the consequences may be.

I want to be a woman, not a man anymore.

I'm sending her an email right now.

This is a copy of the email I'm sending to her:

Good evening, Doctor.

I hope you're doing well today.

I've carefully though about what happened during our last session, specially the alternative you talked to me about and, I've reached a few conclusions:

Sincerely, I believe that waiting 4 years is a terrible idea. I've lived enough time as a boy, I consider that I've lived enough experiences as one to reach the conclusion that I can't tolerate this kind of life anymore. I can't picture the idea of wasting four years of my life, watching how my body masculinizes more as time goes by just to transition after college, besides, no one guarantees me that it will be easier for me to transition after I get my degree.

When I mean with wasting time is to live more as a guy and allow that the biological development goes as it's supossed to be by my birth sex. I never meant "wasting time at college, studying" or "wasting time preparing myself mentally for this". I just don't wanna see how my body rots, taking away every chance  to become the beautiful woman who I need to be.

The more I think about it, the more I want to be ME and the bigger it becomes the need to achieve this goal. It becomes a priority in life, to live as a girl, that society sees me and treats me as a woman and to express myself as such. I don't understand why, I just know it is, and I'm aware of the fact that THIS is what I want for MY life.

There's something I wanna make very clear for you: I do completely understand that transitioning is a long, complicated and risky process. I clearly understand that hormones are not some little magicall pills that will turn me into a supermodel, and I'm aware of the risks behind them (cancer, lvier and kidney failure, among others). I do understand that I'll need to learn a lot of new things to become a woman, and still, I think it's unfair to wait more than what I expected to make any biological change in my body. I know I have to be patient but... How long? Until I'm 30 and then my chances of ending up well are all gone?

I strongly believe that transitioning while assisting to college is the best option for me, because of the simple fact that I can start younger, therefore, increasing my chances to get better results from HRT, besides that I'l be able to live experiences as the person who I want to be, not this thing I've been forced to be during the last 18 years of my life.

About my "contradictory thinking", here's my opinion:

Yes, I do want to transition, I want to be a woman, I don't want to be a man anymore. However, this does not means I can't be afraid of what the future might bring: losing my family, my friends, losing opportunities of employment and business and lastly, my friends. In short words: to be completely excluded from society just for being a transsexual woman. Do I have to be a reckless and indifferent person in order to be taken seriously? that's not fair AT ALL, and it makes no sense. I've seen how society treats most of the transsexual women, and it hurts me so much to think about the possibility of this happening to me.

Wouldn't you be scared of losing the people you love? imagine this: you get a brand new car for your son, wouldn't you feel scared or worried of losing your child in a car accident? That doesn't means you'll take away the right of your son to have one, will you?

You have NO idea how much I love my family. I love my mom, my dad, his wife, my half brothers and my step brothers, my cousins, uncles and friends. I love them so much, they're the foundation of my life, my motivation, my fuel, and you don't know how much it would hurt me to lose them. i don't wanna be alone for pursuing my most wished dreams.

That is just not fair. However, I'm not going to force anyone to be with me if they can't love me like this, as who I really am.

They say that true bravery comes when you're aware of the dangers and yet you do it anyway consciously, fighting to achieve what you want. That's what makes a real hero. I've though enough about it, and I wanna take this challenge. I don't wanna wait any longer.

I hope you can understand my points of view.

Best Regards

xxxxxxxxxxx

[Janet_Girl]

It sound really good.  I hope it brings about the change that you are seeking.

[glendagladwitch]

She (my therapist, during our session) considered all this and, she also added to the mix that I was going to live whole new experiences at college, and that I should open myself to the possibilities it could bring: "I think that you should consider as an alternative to wait until your 4th year of college to start transitioning, because it could be shocking for your schoolmates to see such changes in you if you did it now, or in a year."

Maybe I'm misinterpreting it (maybe she meant going full time by then, which doesn't sounds that bad as long as I could get on HRT in less than a year from today), and I really hope that was the case but, why would she consider this as an option? Why would she want me to wait another 4 years to see if I can adapt as a guy?

I've though about it, and I just don't like the idea AT ALL. Maybe if I could get on HRT like, in April 2011 and go full time by then, maybe, yes. Then again, I just feel like I can't waste any more time living as a guy and seeing how my body becomes into something I despise.

She also mentioned something: "You seem to have a contradictory way of thinking: You want to start transitioning immediately, yet you're scared of what the future could bring."

I don't know how old you are, but there's a big difference in starting HRT at age 18 and at age 22.  Under normal circumstances, you should be on anti androgens before you turn 18 and start estrogen on your 18th birthday.  If your therapist doesn't see that, then get a new therapist ASAP, and if you are 18, don't settle for anything less than starting HRT within 3 months of the first appointment.  Any other course of treatment for a young transitioner who has had persistent desire to transition since childhood is just irresponsible, and straight up negligent.

[Iceprincess]

Just to add up some more info, I was supposed to start transitioning when I was 14, but my mom stopped me from doing it :/

Every single day that passed from the day I turned 15, 'til I went to my first session (3 months before I turned 18 this last July 28th), I always got up every morning, looked myself in the mirror, and asked myself "what if I've done thos or that". I fully regret that I listened to her and that I tried to hide it for so long :/

I was a stupid, to say the least.

I've had enough...

[long.897]

Just a small suggestion; if I were in your shoes, I'd try to reword some parts of the letter to sound a little less adversarial.  To cite an example:  "You have NO idea how much I love my family. I love my mom, my dad, his wife, my half brothers and my step brothers, my cousins, uncles and friends."  It's important to convey that your family are an important part of your life, but saying "you have no idea" makes me think of those women who say "YOU DON'T KNOW ME.  YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I CAME FROM."  I tend to be a bit too non-confrontational, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but when I see someone saying something in that tone, I just kind of shut down.  I think that "polite, but firm" would elicit a much more desired response.

Just my proverbial two cents. 

[Asfsd4214]

Some therapists just don't want to deal with you actually going through with it.

If you act confident, it's interpreted as recklessness.
If you act careful and conservative, it's interpreted as uncertainty.

Being confrontational or passive makes no difference (or at least it didn't with the doctors I saw who didn't want to be involved). Confrontation is rejected as arrogance, passivity is rejected as indecision.

My solution, after my first therapist wanted me to jump through hoops prior to HRT, I saw a second therapist, after she was even worse, I dumped both of them and saw a third. Third was more reasonable. By that time I had started carrying out my repeated threat that I would self medicate if I stop believing that legal HRT is possible within a 'reasonable' time frame. That itself lead directly to her recommending me for HRT as a method of harm reduction. If I hadn't been self medicating, it probably would have taken a few extra months for me to convince her, possibly more.

Don't mistake this for me advocating self medication, I think the best option (if it's available) is a competent doctors (not just a doctor, a competent doctor) supervision. They can order us blood tests that provide important information, without which, you're flying blind.

This is not really advocating or dissuading self medication, simply explaining what happened for me and my take on it. I think you gotta do what you gotta do, and that for me, waiting months or years to justify to a therapist what I knew to be the right course of action, all the while watching time of my life I'll never get back pass me by for their benefit, was NEVER on the table.

Something I had many doctors be unable to understand, is the concept that when it comes to my life, I will act in my best interests, nobody elses. This is your life, it's not the therapists life. If you let them take years away from your life, in the end you'll be the only one to pay a price for that, they won't.

If I had been confronted with your therapist, I would have told them the same thing I told my own whom didn't give me any timeframe at all (just... when they're ready, with most indication being at least a year). Which is that I will act in my best interests, and that includes them only to the point at which they stop being what I consider to be the best route to solve my problems. And that as soon as I think HRT is not possible within a reasonable timeframe with them, I will begin looking into other options.

That did NOT work for me initially, it was only when I carried out my threat to self medicate that I saw results. I had one doctor (not a therapist) outright tell me they would drop me as a patient if I did that. So your mileage may vary.

I don't for a moment regret my choice to self medicate, I don't regret changing therapists twice, I don't regret anything I did because I did what I believed at the time to be the best thing for my well being. You have to remember that, you're young right now, you won't be for the majority of your life. Any time you use up now you will NEVER get back.

Think about what you want, and what the best ways are to achieve that.

[Nigella]

Just a small suggestion; if I were in your shoes, I'd try to reword some parts of the letter to sound a little less adversarial.  To cite an example:  "You have NO idea how much I love my family. I love my mom, my dad, his wife, my half brothers and my step brothers, my cousins, uncles and friends."  It's important to convey that your family are an important part of your life, but saying "you have no idea" makes me think of those women who say "YOU DON'T KNOW ME.  YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I CAME FROM."  I tend to be a bit too non-confrontational, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but when I see someone saying something in that tone, I just kind of shut down.  I think that "polite, but firm" would elicit a much more desired response.

Just my proverbial two cents.

Yes well said, polite, determined, focussed on what you want to happen.

Therapists are there to try and put a spanner in the works to see if you are serious and really transexual. They have no other way to determine what's in your thoughts and mind otherwise. Its a way of teasing from you your feelings, etc.

I was a whole year in therapy before I got HRT, I asked on my first appointment and they said no. Well here I am three years later a fully paid up member of the female brigade and been told to go away by my surgeon and live my life. Well that's it really living our lives.

Stardust

[spacial]

IcePrincess.

That email is fine. Best of luck.

[Nicky]

I think it is fine too.

hugs!

[kyril]

Being confrontational or passive makes no difference (or at least it didn't with the doctors I saw who didn't want to be involved). Confrontation is rejected as arrogance, passivity is rejected as indecision.

Welcome to being treated as a woman. This double-bind will be replicated over and over in your lives.

Truth is, there is no "right way" to approach this. Your email is fine, as likely to be effective as anything could be. You're stuck in the ->-bleeped-<-ty situation of being a woman and wanting something from a paternalistic system that wants to keep it from you "for your own good." Good luck.

[ggina]

I was a stupid, to say the least.

No you weren't stupid, you were just a child I too never had the courage to take a stand against my mom those days, but after all, she's the adult not me Actually, a parent is responsible for their kids so if you feel stupid about this then it's clearly not your fault.

It seems you like to use harsh words, I agree with (some...) others here that the email you wrote also contains at places a bit of aggressive behaviour. If you cut down on those it'll be just fine. Less drama and more conversation is always more practical Don't be indifferent just keep your calm. This way they'll know you're determined and strong enough to actually go through all this.

Otherwise I totally agree, 4 years at your age is too much. I'd say 1 year at most, but that's really the longest I could imagine. For someone my age, it doesn't make much of a difference but in yours, it's a lot. You're beautiful and must keep it that way at any price

g

[Iceprincess]

I already sent the email yesterday, too late to regret

Sorry, but I think it's OK and, I had to do it my way

Now, I'll have to wait for an answer and, hopefully, I'll get what I want with this.

[glendagladwitch]

Just to add up some more info, I was supposed to start transitioning when I was 14, but my mom stopped me from doing it :/

Every single day that passed from the day I turned 15, 'til I went to my first session (3 months before I turned 18 this last July 28th), I always got up every morning, looked myself in the mirror, and asked myself "what if I've done thos or that". I fully regret that I listened to her and that I tried to hide it for so long :/

I was a stupid, to say the least.

I've had enough...

Thanks for the additional info.  How long have you been going to this therapist?  Is this someone your mother picked out to try and stop you from transitioning?  That happened to me at first.  You can't let your parents pick your therapist if they are against the transition.