From Bad to Worse, and Trying to Make Things Better

[Alexmakenoise]

Ever notice how life seems to punish you when things go badly and reward you when things go well?  And that when you're going through a hard time, people are cruel to you, but when things are ok, people are nice?  My life has been hard in recent years and I keep fighting to make it better, but it's an uphill battle.

A year and a half ago, I got offered a job and affordable place to live in Australia and it seemed perfect because I had just finished grad school and I had friends there.  I had always wanted to move there, so I took a risk - gave up the good life I had built for myself in San Francisco and went for it.  On the day that I arrived, something went horribly wrong.  I discovered that I had, against all odds, been pregnant for 2 months when I had a miscarriage with really heavy bleeding.  At first, I was too weak to get to the doctor.  I lost my job because I was too weak to work (I would faint if I stood up for too long; they accused me of being on drugs and refused to get me any medical help).  After a few days, I finally did get to a doctor.  She said that I had needed a blood transfusion but that it was too late and I'd just have to spend 2 months recovering on my own.  That was ok - I had a cushion of savings to fall back on.

Then the people I was living with started actively trying to make my life miserable.  Stealing from me, tricking me into lifting heavy things, invading my privacy, etc.  So, when I could, I tried to spend a lot of time away from the house.  Only about a week after the miscarriage, I got a pretty bad concussion while riding on a city bus.  The driver stopped suddenly and I fell over, slid down the aisle, and hit my head on the front of the bus.  I was too out of it to mention that I had lost consciousness so the driver just apologized and told me I didn't have to pay.  After the blood loss and the concussion, I was in really rough shape, but I was determined to stick it out and make things work out somehow.

But it got worse.  I basically got kidnapped and held prisoner for about 5 months by a man who wanted a "nurse".  Fortunately, sex wasn't a big part of it.  I mostly just got yelled at a lot and had to do everything he said 24/7 and wasn't allowed to sleep.  I finally was able to reach out to one of his friends to help me escape.  The guy gave me a place to stay, but he also raped me.  Being drugged and raped sucked, but at least I was able to contact my family and get a plane ticket back to the US.

When I got back, I didn't know what to do.  I was forever changed by my experiences and my plans had been destroyed.  So I went to my dad's house to spend some time thinking things over.  I took some classes online and got another advanced degree.  People asked me what happened in Australia, and when I told them, I often got a "Serves you right.  It's crazy to move to a foreign country," type of response.  So I stopped talking about it.  Even my dad thought it was all my fault.  He would get mad at me for "making my family help me out" and causing him some inconvenience.  I still haven't been able to get any counseling.  But I'm not sure I need it.  I'm strong and I'm pulling through.

I couldn't get a job in a small town because people saw me as too guarded and not feminine enough.  But I was able to make it to San Francisco through a stroke of good fortune.  The job prospects here are much better.  But it's hard because I don't know how to explain the gaps in my resume.  I got injured, kidnapped and raped and then spent some time recovering.  I don't think that's appropriate to tell a potential employer.  They'd just think I was lying or prone to drama.

I think that when I get a job, things will start to fall into place and I'll start to get my old life back.  I just wish that the bad things that happened in the past would stop holding me back.  Why does life have to punish you for having had bad luck?

[spacial]

Alexmakenoise

I'm sorry I have taken so long to read your post. What happened to you was terrible. I really feel for you. The lack of support at every stage just strains the faith in the basic decency of humanity.

I can't really answer your question. I only know, from personal experience, that bad luck seems to follow some sort of path. The only way to get rid of it is to find a new path.

OK, I know that sounds very ethereal. It's just my own exprience.

I must say I am full of admiration for your courrage and strength. Often the only way to get back on your feet is just to stand up.

These are a lot of very difficult memories you have. They will take a long time to heal. But they will always remain part of you.

I really hope you will update us regularly on how you are progressing and coping.

Take care love.

[Alexmakenoise]

Thank you, spacial.  Your wise words mean a lot to me.  And, yes, I'll post updates.  Right now, I'm just focusing on the job search, trying to put as much effort into moving forward as possible so I won't have time to look back.

[Arch]

First of all, I'm sorry about all of these experiences. You seem to be pretty resilient. But some of it might come back to bite you, so counseling, when you can arrange it, is a good idea.

Regarding the gap in your resume, maybe you can explain that you were taking a break after graduate school to do some traveling and reevaluate your goals and decide whether you wanted another advanced degree (yes, you did). I guess you would have to phrase this so that you didn't sound like a spoiled rich kid. Maybe shorter is sweeter: you had the opportunity to take a break and stay with friends in Australia. The chance of a lifetime. You took it.

FWIW, if you do find that you don't have too much emotional fallout from all of this, you've certainly had some colorful experiences.

And, BTW, I really have to echo what people are saying about foreign countries...I mean, we all know that Australia is, like, a FOURTH-world country where all SORTS of evil people live and ANYTHING can happen to the occasional civilized but hapless Yank.

Sheesh.

[V M]

Dang dude!!! That's some crazy stuff!!! I hope things start to improve for you

I've gone through some crazy stuff in the past, I've touched on some of it here and there but wont talk about most of it... Most folks don't really understand anyway

Sure, some things will haunt our minds forever but don't let it stop you from moving forward

*HUGS*

[Nero]

I'm really sorry to hear what you went through, Alex. Even sorrier to hear people's reactions to it.  Way to kick a guy when he's down. Wish I had some advice. All I can say is to hang in there and just in case you listened to that garbage, remember that none of it was your fault. You didn't go down there on a fool's mission (and even if you had, the fault lies only with those who wronged you), you got a job offer.
Hugs.

[LordKAT]

I'd have to echo Arch with saying you had a chance to travel and work in another country, but the job fell through and you had to sort out getting back and moving on.

[justmeinoz]

Sorry to hear you had such an awful experience here when it should have been the start of a happy change. 
You could always tell people you got mugged within a few days of getting here, and don't remember what happened for a while after that. Not a downright lie the way I see it.
Hope things are going better for you now.

Sandra.

[Alexmakenoise]

Thanks, everyone, for your good advice, and generally being supportive.

FWIW, if you do find that you don't have too much emotional fallout from all of this, you've certainly had some colorful experiences.

That's basically the way I like to look at it.  Once life returns to normal, I'll enjoy having a lot of interesting stories.  It's possible that people won't believe a lot of it, but, hey, at least I'll never be boring.

It actually wasn't all bad in Australia.  My experiences were more like a mix of extremely good and extremely bad.  And there were a lot of moments that were simply beautiful.  I should write a book about it.

And I just realized how I could go about telling the story after I transition!  Instead of saying I had a miscarriage, I could just say "I got injured.  Sorry I can't go into more detail than that.  It's something I don't want to talk about." Maybe then they'd assume it was the explanation for any scars (top surgery) or other physical abnormalities related to being ftm.  Hmmm . . .

[Cindy]

Sorry for your horrible experiences Alex.

I realize Australia is a fourth world country, we do however have a police force that is very active in sex crimes and  in general crime. The hideous nature of the crimes against you should be investigated. I think you should press charges, there is no statute of limitation for rape or kidnapping in Australia.  I would like people who hurt you to be  taken off the streets.

Cindy

[Alexmakenoise]

Sorry for your horrible experiences Alex.

I realize Australia is a fourth world country, we do however have a police force that is very active in sex crimes and  in general crime. The hideous nature of the crimes against you should be investigated. I think you should press charges, there is no statute of limitation for rape or kidnapping in Australia.  I would like people who hurt you to be  taken off the streets.

Cindy

That's how I feel too, and before I left, I looked into pressing charges.  In summarizing my story, I didn't mention that I got to stay at a domestic violence shelter for a couple of weeks before leaving.  I told the staff there about everything that happened.  I also went to the free community legal services and talked to a lawyer about it. 

Everyone told me that I should put my health and safety first and just get back to the US.  They told me that going through a trial is really traumatic for the victim and therefore is only recommended when there is enough evidence to make a guilty verdict likely.  In my case, there wasn't enough evidence.  And I couldn't afford to stay there. 

I still wish I could press charges, but I don't know if it can be done from outside the country, and I don't know if it would be worth it if the people would probably be acquitted.

[tekla]

we do however have a police force that is very active in sex crimes and  in general crime

Australia has the third highest rape rate in the world, the highest among First World/industrial nations. It's more than twice the rate of the US.

Citation?  Sure.

http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/cri_rap_percap-crime-rapes-per-capita

[spacial]

Alex

It's a matter for you.

When these things happen they tend to make us feel undermined and worthless. This is, in reality, what these people want to do.

The current thinking about rape, for example, is that it is a crime of power. It is the ultimate insult. The victim is made utterly helpless and left feeling violated, dirty and worthless.

I hope you realise, you are none of these.

But the mental scars, to use that term, are more severe than the intelect. From what I know of you, from reading your posts, you know you are not, but inside, the nagging feelings will remain.

It's really only when you can get angry that you can begin to have the strength to deal with what has happened.

Now I can't advise you. It isn't my place and would be inappropriate in any case. But if you feel there are any anxieties or fears within your soul, then appropriate counciling can help.

Here in the UK and I'm pretty sure, in the US, you can go and see rape councillors from some Women's aid groups.

I appreciate your status regarding your transision, but you must understand that, what happened to you was because of the body you have.

But I want you to know on thing and please, never forget it. Neither I, nor anyone else will judge you here for however you proced, or choose not to. I respect you and consider you a friend. Whatever you decide, that won't change.

There is no limit of time to see a councillor. There is no limit of time to get any support you may feel you need.

There is no limit of time to ask for action to be taken against these scum. That's why there is no statute of limitations.

But this is your life. We will support you, no matter what.

[Alexmakenoise]

Wow, thanks, spacial.  Your words mean a lot to me.

I'm lucky that the therapist I've seen here before specializes in both gender issues and recovery from stuff like rape.  She's a feminist therapist who sees a lot of trans people.  I'm just waiting to see her until I can afford to pay her.  For now, I just try not to think about the past too much.  Maybe not healthy, but it's a survival strategy until things in my life become more stable.  From a long-term perspective, there's always cause for hope.