Going Full Time

[Britney_413]

I never thought I would get to this point so soon but I'm literally at the breaking point where I simply have to go full time very soon. It seems like a snowball effect. When I first started dressing and going to "safe zones" in my preferred gender role at that time it felt a lot like a choice. I could be a girl for awhile and while it wasn't fun to go back into being a "boy" again afterward, it wasn't an issue, it was just my way of life at that time.

Now it is well beyond anything I would call "fun." It is simply the real world calling and I can barely continue the "boy game" any longer. To use an example, imagine a small hole in the side of a submarine. Until the crew figures out what to do (i.e. surfacing, closing off the area, etc.), you put your hand against the hole to prevent the water from coming in. At first, it is pretty easy, you are standing there for awhile not too concerned, feeling as if the situation is under control. This was how I felt when I first started dressing as a girl and going out in the safe zones (GLBT) in public. However, as time goes by your hand starts to get tired, water starts slowly spraying through, and you have to put more and more pressure to achieve the same result. It becomes exponential. More and more water is slipping through while you are putting more and more pressure to stop it. This was the second phase for me where I was coming out to people as transgender, dressing more often, going outside the safe zones, and gradually changing my overall appearance (long hair, nails, shoes, etc.). Well now it is at the point where you can no longer hold your hand there for much longer. Any second you will be forced to let go and run for your life as the water forcibly comes through. That is basically where I am at now. I've got to go full time and it really isn't a choice anymore because to me being a boy is like Halloween when it isn't Halloween. There is just something wrong there.

The interesting thing is it seems to be happening right now. I had my therapist appointment yesterday and did some shopping at the mall later. I had to get a tube of lipstick and decided to get some lunch. I passed perfectly until of course I used the store card to pay for the purchase. The ladies were very nice and I asked them if they suspected before they saw the name on the card and they said no and I believe they were being honest. I then was ma'amed at the pizza place as well. Today I ran a couple of errands without any makeup on (I was being lazy) and it didn't seem like anyone noticed and if they did they didn't seem to care.

The one thing that I'm nervous about is work. Even though the boss and HR are fine with it and will let me use the ladies room, this is a big big step. Plus it is a point of no return because this is literally leaving the safety net. Wish me luck everyone.

[lilacwoman]

Good luck, Britney.
You'll come home from first day at work with a big smile on your face.

It's nice to see you're not paranoid about outing yourself as you shop. I think it gets the saleswomen on our side and they will be happy to see our progress over time.

[marissak]

The one thing that I'm nervous about is work. Even though the boss and HR are fine with it and will let me use the ladies room, this is a big big step. Plus it is a point of no return because this is literally leaving the safety net. Wish me luck everyone.

I love your analogy of the leaking submarine hull. Your story seems to parallel mine.

If your boss and HR manager are fine with it, everyone else will be fine with it.

I live and work as female without any surgeries. Gender tends to be a non-issue if you are able to present as a decent professional woman at work and if you can focus on your work. 

I think you will notice soon that your gender is a non-issue at work. Wishing you the best! 

[marleen]

The submarine analogy is similar to what I tell people about poking a hole in a levee: at first only a trickle of water comes through, but before you know, the levee brakes...
You'll be fine at work if your boss and HR manager are behind you.
The best of luck for you!
Marleen

[Dana Lane]

This could be my very own story! Even though you know they day is coming in the future sometimes you never know what day. All of a sudden you find yourself unable to 'not transition'. That happened to me back in March when I went full time and haven't regretted it yet. I do believe this is the biggest part of our transition because like you said, you leave your safe zone and it is basically 'no turning back' (even though you can really go back if you need to).

Good luck and I'm here if you need me!

[Debra]

Good luck and congratulations!!!!!!! =) I hope everything goes well at work.

[Janet_Girl]

You were describing how it was for me.  And after my name change, it was like "it is now or never".  I had already informed work and they were just waiting for me to set the date.

I went on vacation for a week and when I returned, it was full time.  Work was a non-issue till we got a new zone manager.

[Debra]

You were describing how it was for me.  And after my name change, it was like "it is now or never".  I had already informed work and they were just waiting for me to set the date.

I went on vacation for a week and when I returned, it was full time.  Work was a non-issue till we got a new zone manager.

Funny kind of how it happened for me too. January 5, 2010 my name was changed. I think it was that same week I brought it all up with work.

[AweSAM!]

Weird how any of the stories could be mine. I changed my name in the April, just so I could go full time and be ready. I ended up going full time on the last day of August. I could not stand living in male mode by the time June rolled around, but it was logistically impossible to go full time. The pressure was relieved when I finally stepped away from the crumbling male facade I hid behind, and just let it collapse. That was so much pressure off my shoulders.

[Britney_413]

Well I'm going to use another analogy here. I'm piloting a large airplane getting ready to take off from LAX (Los Angeles, CA) going to Hong Kong. The plane is full of passengers who could either assist me in navigation and flight or become an impediment to the mission. The departure point is where the male side is and the arrival point is where the female side is. The path between is the real life experience or full time whichever you choose to call it. There is a point where if a situation comes up I can immediately go back to the beginning (back into male mode) until I re-depart but after a certain point then I will be beyond the point of no return and can only go forward.

So here is what has happened since I posted late last night: Somehow the plane already took off almost immediately after I posted this thread. I was full time for a day yesterday but wasn't per se planning on making the journey until January 1st or later. I was planning on continuing to dabble back and forth as best I could at least for the next couple of months. Anyway, yesterday I ran two or three errands as a female and a lazy one at that with no makeup whatsoever but clearly dressed in a feminine fashion with a purse and conducted myself in a normal female fashion. Well last night I hardly got any sleep because as I was putting my laundry away including a mix of boy and girl clothes I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to be wearing any of those male clothes to work the next day and hopefully never again. I finished putting away the female ones and tried a couple of them on to see how they would look for work. I never did put the male ones away and they are still just sitting on the floor of my closet all wrinkled and probably dirty again. I almost cried thinking about it but I literally just couldn't do it anymore.

All of this back-and-forth between boy mode and girl mode to me has been equivalent of being in and out of the flight simulator. I believe I have done enough testing and must try the real deal. This morning I got up and without very much nervousness whatsoever matter of factly put on skinny girl's jeans, cute girl sandals (and my finger and toe nails have already been painted regularly for awhile anyway), put on a bra large enough to make realistic looking boobs, shaved the few straggling hairs coming through after my first laser session, put no makeup on (I'm sure this sounds strange but I've really never been all that into makeup anyway and I don't need it right now to cover any 5 o'clock shadow anyway), threw on a long-sleeved tight blouse giving me a good and passable feminine figure, and set out. This is it. I went to my dentist appointment like that and brought my backpack in with my purse inside the backpack (I carry a backpack to work because I have a lot of personal things I bring to work on during break, etc. that would never fit in a purse (i.e. books)). Me being trans was never a subject and they know I'm a boy legally anyway as I've been to this office for years, they were nice and friendly and there was no issue.

I then strolled into work and hardly anyone noticed anything although I'm positive some did. Then again I'm pretty much out to everyone anyway and they've seen me this way for two Halloweens now so they are used to it. My direct boss wasn't there today. I did ask some friends what they thought and they were supportive. My boss has told me that I can basically dress this way without issue whenever I want but to let them know in advance before using the women's room. So I did use the men's room although it felt really weird and strange. I think my employer is going about it the right way because they probably will want me to make an announcement of some kind before using the restroom because at that point the transition in their eyes will be official. I am not stopping at this point and I told my friends at work this today. Even if it means using the men's room for the next few weeks/couple of months until the official date is set, I'm going through with this. I work in an office where basically it is just cubicle work and dealing with customers in person just doesn't happen so I'm lucky that I've got it easy there.

So back to the analogy the plane has taken off, is at a steep ascent, still at a relatively low elevation but moving forward along the coast nonetheless. No turbulance yet, all systems working fine. Once it is "official" at work meaning the bathroom switch, etc., that will be the symbolic example of now turning to cross the ocean. After my RLE is successful for a couple of months or so (timeline could change) I will then pursue a legal name change. HRT should start in January as mentioned in another post and I hope to get an orchiectomy by the end of 2011.

Thanks for reading my long rambles. Thanks for the best wishes and I will continue to keep all posted.

[Cindy]

Feeling the same.

Never ever thought that.

But I have to go in as the boss. And tell everyone your boss is 'now' female.

Worries me.

But the water is no longer trickling (love the analogy) it is a flood.

Goddess knows what happens next. I certainly don't.

But we live in this fear of what? What is it we fear? I don't know but I'm terrified.


Cindy

[Keroppi]

But I have to go in as the boss. And tell everyone your boss is 'now' female.

Well, being the boss helps in ways. At least you don't have to worry about getting fired by your boss.

[Britney_413]

Here's a brief update. Well this is day two wearing all women's clothes at work. I mentioned to the boss that I think it is time to set a timeframe for an official transition meaning the use of the women's room, name change, and an announcement of some kind. I haven't run into trouble yet and while I am presenting female I have toned it way down by not carrying a purse yet and not wearing any makeup at work. It feels extremely weird using the men's room and I make an attempt to use it when no one's in there and obviously use the stall. I feel some employees are in the dark about this. I have been called Britney by a few employees and some of them have called me by a feminized version of my legal male name.

I don't forsee any real problems. What actually concerns me is not unacceptance but over-acceptance. Now days diversity has been taken so far to the point where it is almost the other extreme. I don't want people to feel like they are forced to accept me, forced to socialize with me, or forced to include me if they didn't already include me before. In other words now that I'm visibly trans I don't want to become a celebrity where everyone wants to get to know me, etc. I fear that this sometimes is happening these days. People are afraid of being labeled prejudice, a bigot, etc. so they instead are so trying to accept you and learn about you that now you can't get away from them. As my therapist said to me last session, "you do not want to be a transsexual; you want to be a female." This is very true. I want to blend in and be treated just as any other woman in the workforce would be. I don't want to be seen as anyone special even if done with good intentions. I know this is just day two but this is a major step. I'll keep everyone posted.

[Britney_413]

I have a question for people here. I assume most if not everyone here started going out in public "part time" before they went full time. For those who were switching back and forth you probably gradually went closer and closer to full time before actually going full time. So here is my question. When you did go full time did it seem like the longer you were full time the more ridiculous, unlikely, and even impossible it would be to ever go back to being a boy (or girl for FTMs) even for a few minutes/hours? I mean this is only the third full day in a row of me presenting female (and two days at work) and I don't even want to look at the men's shirts and jeans I have in the closet let alone put them on.

[lilacwoman]

when I switched I had a bonfire of all the male stuff to make sure I had no way back and the neighbours watching the fire knew it was the end of the old me.
when you go to work today make sure you have a bag slung over your shoulder as apart from adding to the image it will give you something to do with one hand.

[spacial]

I don't forsee any real problems. What actually concerns me is not unacceptance but over-acceptance. Now days diversity has been taken so far to the point where it is almost the other extreme. I don't want people to feel like they are forced to accept me, forced to socialize with me, or forced to include me if they didn't already include me before. In other words now that I'm visibly trans I don't want to become a celebrity where everyone wants to get to know me, etc. I fear that this sometimes is happening these days. People are afraid of being labeled prejudice, a bigot, etc. so they instead are so trying to accept you and learn about you that now you can't get away from them. As my therapist said to me last session, "you do not want to be a transsexual; you want to be a female." This is very true. I want to blend in and be treated just as any other woman in the workforce would be. I don't want to be seen as anyone special even if done with good intentions. I know this is just day two but this is a major step. I'll keep everyone posted.

This is a good point Britney.

That many people will be so ready to show acceptance may suggest they still feel a little uncomfortable but are seeking to overcome it.

If I may suggest, you should try to be as tolerant of these as you can. They will be your allies when things get tough. And understanding their difficultites demonstrates that you are not setting yourself apart from them.

If they are made to feel uncomfortable about their ways of dealing with their discomfort, they may react negatively.

I suggest, what yo should do, is cultivate your personality so it is stable for everyone you meet. Once you change over, your self confidence and self esteem should improve. This is the time to become the person you always wanted to be.

[Janet_Girl]

I have a question for people here. I assume most if not everyone here started going out in public "part time" before they went full time. For those who were switching back and forth you probably gradually went closer and closer to full time before actually going full time. So here is my question. When you did go full time did it seem like the longer you were full time the more ridiculous, unlikely, and even impossible it would be to ever go back to being a boy (or girl for FTMs) even for a few minutes/hours? I mean this is only the third full day in a row of me presenting female (and two days at work) and I don't even want to look at the men's shirts and jeans I have in the closet let alone put them on.

When I finally went full time, I got rid of all my male clothes.  If I had an appointment as him, I went as me.  I read some where that you could not go as your birth gender because it was easier.  Full time means 24/7/365.

[Britney_413]

I get the impression that many who have gone full time set a date and then went and did it. A lot of people here seemed to already be on HRT at the time and/or had already legally changed their name. In my case, it just kind of happened. I mean I always kept thinking (in a few months) but then it just suddenly happened. As to the male clothes there aren't many of them left anyway. I kind of grandfathered them so to speak. Every time a shirt or pair of jeans would wear out I just didn't replace it causing the wardrobe to get increasingly smaller. It is only a handful of shirts now and two pairs of already worn out jeans. I'm not actually going to toss the male clothes yet for two reasons. The first is because I'm only on day 4 of RLE and while I've been so much happier truly being me now I always feel it is wiser to be fully and totally prepared considering that this was an unplanned event. The second is I'm a practical person. I'll save those men's clothes for dirty/grubby work. If I need to paint my apartment or do something that clearly cause my clothes to get damaged/filthy/ruined, then I'll wear the guy's clothes. I mean what other way could I make use of them? It would be a great permanent closure to them to get them covered in paint, etc. while doing something else to further my life. I don't view it as any different than a GG wearing and old shirt of her husband's for the same purpose.

Moving on, I did chat with my boss today who was really nice. I asked him if it surprised him to see me show up the way I have been this week. He said "Not at all." I haven't had any trouble for three days including in a team meeting with about 15 other employees. What is suddenly becoming extremely awkward is the use of the men's room. The boss felt that if I could withstand it to continue to use the men's room for awhile just to give more time for people to adjust. He doesn't forsee any real problems but likes the idea of a gradual adjustment. The idea is that after a few weeks, couple months, etc. (which may seem long or fast, we'll see) of people being adjusted to my daily female presentation then they won't be the least bit alarmed when I start using the women's room because they wil be expecting it by then. While it seems a bit difficult for me I think I can work with that. We both agreed on me getting my name legally changed as soon as feasible.

I am confident I'm doing things the right way. Before making these sudden changes (legal name change, bathroom usage at work, etc.) it only makes sense to at least have a succesful RLE for a few weeks/couple months. I'll mention this to the therapist next visit and see what she thinks.

A couple of concerns I do have though is I've heard that getting a name changed is generally a problem if you have old defaulted unpaid debts which I do have. I've also heard that one year of RLE is required before an orchiectomy which is really annoying. I don't use the thing, have never really used it in a male manner anyway, and have no intention of using it. Tucking would be so much easier I would imagine after an orchy. Even though this is only day 4, I've noticed my sex drive take a complete dive to nothing in this time frame despite no HRT. Interesting I suppose.

[Colleen Ireland]

I love the analogies!  I will admit, I feel that way, too.  So far, my ability to dress has been confined to mostly safe spaces (support group, therapist, Gender Journeys meetings), although when I go to Gender Journeys, I must take a train (about an hour's ride), and I change in the washroom on the train as soon as I get on, so for most of the train ride and the subsequent subway ride, I'm Me, out in public, in an uncontrolled setting.  And I took last Friday off and went shopping with a friend, again as Me.  That was really marvelous.  But my wife and kids have not seen me dressed yet, which means when I'm going somewhere where I will dress, I need to bring everything in a duffel bag (it used to be a backpack), and that's really starting to get annoying.  The bag has to be big enough to contain my breastforms, purse, whatever I'm wearing, shoes (or boots), overcoat, etc., and to contain everything I'm wearing in "boy mode" when I'm dressed.  And I have to lug it around everywhere.  And I only have about 15 minutes or so to change, in either direction, which makes putting on makeup (and bra, gaff, panties, pantihose) a real "drag" (sorry, pardon the pun).  I'm thinking I will soon have to put my family on notice that sometimes, I'll need to dress at home before I go out, so I don't have to lug this huge bag around - MOST unladylike...

[Britney_413]

I wish you more good luck Colleen. It sounds like you are doing well. You are basically in the "part time" phase I was in for a long time until just recently. I think Halloween weekend was kind of the catalyst for me going full time. After most of my family as well as my workplace seeing me as female and not having a major problem with it, I now had gotten over the biggest hurdle so doing it everyday now is rather second nature. Eventually you will hit that point as well. A lot of people plan on a specific date for this but it somehow just happened with me. Maybe it will work that way for you too.

As to an update about me, I have now completed my first week in RLE. It isn't perfect (and who would expect it to be) but it is working. I have not worn a single article of male clothing since last Saturday. While Monday and Tuesday I went to work without makeup by Friday I had mascara, lipstick, foundation, and blush. This is a serious decision I have made here and I'm not turning back because to do so it would be ridiculous. Now that I have finally lived a full week as me it would be almost impossible for me to then go back to being not me. For kicks and giggles I think I will photograph the pile of my male clothes still sitting in the same spot on the floor of my closet since last Sunday, untouched, unnoticed and like a ghost of a recent past never to return to present.

I'm out as trans to the bulk of people in my life but there are a few stragglers. Those stragglers include a gun club (full of conservative folks) that meets once a month for dinner, a religious institution I go to once in awhile (also with conservative folks), and a couple of family members who have not seen me yet but will be there on Thanksgiving. I have decided that how I am going to handle it is to continue going about everything as normal (in my new role) but simply to tone down the femininity a bit to make it easier for people to adjust. For instance right now I am wearing a purple blouse with flowers on it, some makeup, black jeans, and pink sandals. I can instead just wear a plain black blouse or shirt, plain black jeans, and little to no makeup. I think this is a wiser course than showing up in a screaming red dress to an environment I previously wore men's shirts and jeans at. We'll see how things go. In any case there is no way I'm playing that game and putting those old clothes back on. I consider this decision extremely firm similar to buying a plane ticket to another country and being at the airport the day of departure. You don't just suddenly change your mind at that point.

I really am curious though about what these hormones will do come January. I'm particularly interested in the blood test results of my current levels. I have a strong suspicion that my T levels are already lower than normal with perhaps higher-than-normal E levels. My (male) sex drive has been virtually zero since I've been full time. It feels as if I've been castrated. I'm very glad that with me now presenting and living as a female that I'm not being annoyed and distracted by male urges and drives. It is also obvious to me that this new role I'm in as a female is in no way derived from sexual fantasies or any escape from reality. It is just who I am.

To make a final observation, I've noticed I seem to be on a different track than a number of people. I don't know if it is a good thing, bad thing, or irrelevant. Most TS women I've known have started HRT and done their legal name changes before going full time. I'm doing it in reverse. Full time first and HRT and the name change will probably occur around the same time in January. I can't think of anything else to add here so I'll catch you all tomorrow.