Hi everyone!
I've lurked around a little and finally decided to register. My name is Sara and I'm 27, MTF and in the beginning stages of transition for the second time in my life. I'll skip most of my story, because it is really pretty typical, I'll just hit the high points of the last 10 years... but this will likely be a long post anyway.... tends to happen with me.
Anyway, after years of covering up and some severe depression, I realized transition in was a possibility in late 2000 IIRC, started therapy and began to take steps to transition sometime in 2002. I started on spiro sometime in 2003, started electro about the same time, came out to a few people and things went great until 2005. My best friend, whom was the first I came out to turned on me and threatened to out me to everyone. She didn't, but I lost my support system and faith in myself all at once. Stopped it all, went back into the closet, bought a new car, got a new girlfriend, denied everything I felt. Worked out for a while until I got depressed again, girlfriend dumped me (said she felt like the guy in the relationship, imagine that..) lost my job, lost my car.
Things were actually better after that, well... everything except for the no money and car part. Gathered myself together and got a new job, said I wouldn't deny who I was anymore. Worked great for a while, met a great girl whom I love very much. We moved in together and 4 years later we're still together. Told her from the start that I dressed as a girl quite a bit and she was fairly ok with it. That didn't last, she started to not feel so great about it which in turn made me feel guilty, so I stopped for the most part. Once more (seriously) I became angry and depressed, lasted for the past 2 years, ended up having lots of social anxiety and panic attacks.
About six months ago I finally told myself enough was enough and saw a doctor. He got me on some medication for my depression and it helped clear things up a lot. Once I felt motivated to be alive again, I started seeing a therapist to get the social anxiety sorted out. Sessions went great and it became clear that all of the negative views I thought everyone else had of me were truly just a product of the negative view I had of myself. All the years of shame and guilt had wore me down to the point I was ashamed to leave my own house! Once I reaized that, most of my anxiety was gone and it was very clear to me that the only way out of this hellish circle was transition.
So I started seeing a therapist who works mostly with transgender patients and came back out to my mother and fully came out to my girlfriend. My mother doesn't reject me, but it's not something she wants to deal with or accept just yet; my girlfriend is having a very tough time with it and our relationship may not make it, but I know this is something I've got to do, with or without her.
My therapist has already told me whenever I'm ready for hormones he'll refer me to an endo and write a referral letter. I plan on taking him up on that offer next week. I've already been on Spiro for the past 2 months.
I hate to feel like I've "wasted" the past 7 years, but I'm in a good place mentally and 100% committed to following thru with things this time. I guess I just wasn't ready before; I honestly feel like everything from here out will be a piece of cake compared to what it took to get myself to this point. I'm taking things as slowly as I can stand, but I'm ready for this, I'm ready to live
MY life.
That's pretty much me and where I'm at right now, for once in my life I'm excited about the future!
I'm glad to be here and looking foward to meeting people, learning and hopefully adding to the conversation from time to time.
~Sara
..... and just so you can put a face to the name here's a pic of me:
