people who say "thats a pity" when they find out you are trans.

[Elijah3291]

This has happened to me a few times.  I just dont understand it.  How is it a pity to be trans?

for example, my friend had to tell her dad that I was transitioning and he said "oh, thats a pity" I dont understand.  How is it even his buisiness?

also, my mom has a friend at work, and my mom took my picture last time I saw her, because she said her friend wanted 'before and after' pictures.  so my mom showed her my pic that she took, and then she showed her a picture of me in a dress from a few years ago.

I asked my mom what her friend said, and her friend said that it was 'sad' and how i was 'so beautiful" and how I was 'better looking as a girl'

I just dont get it, what gives anyone the right to tell someone that its too bad you transitioned because you looked better before?  and honestly? i was a really average looking girl, not very feminine features, average boobs, nothing stunning or beautiful about me, as the guy I am now, i feel much more attractive and confident, as a girl i was just.. there.



it just bothers me when people say that its sad when someone transitions, any ideas, or anyone want to have a discussion on this, i would like some other opinions

[cynthialee]

Dude.
Ouch.
I have wrote and deleted my responses a few times here.
I just have no idea what to say to that.

[Alexmakenoise]

Actually, I am generally baffled when people behave as if how "good-looking" one is is the most important thing, or the only thing that matters.  I don't live in a fantasy world.  I know that being good-looking gives one many advantages and that this is one of those universal social realities that is unlikely to change.  However, I think it's also realistic to acknowledge that there is A LOT more to life than one's level of attractiveness.  I would much rather be an ugly person with a good job, an interesting life, an active mind, good friends. and plenty to be happy about than a pretty person who's depressed, under-employed, bored, and lonely.  And I think most people would be happier in the former situation whether they care to admit it or not.

So I would file those "too pretty to transition" comments with similarly moronic statements like, "You're too pretty to be friends with an ugly person", "Your primary concern in choosing a partner should be how good-looking they are", "It's a good idea to starve yourself if it makes you more attractive", etc.  And brush it off as something that doesn't apply to you because you know better.

[pantymancan]

I'm only guessing :   People feel sad or pity when they see things, they think would adversely affect them and what they precieve to be.

While on the other hand not careing about nothing that does not affect them personaly.


I hope that makes some sence.

[Nicky]

I have not experienced this,

but jeez, that sucks. I would be like  "You f-ing what?"

I think pity in any circumstances is ->-bleeped-<-. People that say it come from a position of assumed superiority, it is condescending.

I would tell your mum that you pity her friend, because she is so narrow sighted to overlook all the pain that drives us to transition, and it is a pity that she thinks she knows better. And way to go mum for standing up for you.

People need to focus on the bit that deserves it. It is not sad we transition, it is sad that we have to deal with this pain. Transition is a celebration! It is being a butterfly or a moth. Sure catipillers are cool and all, but moths and butterflys get to fly!

[spacial]

This comes across to me that these people are just extremely shallow.

Sometimes, some people just seem to think they have to say something.

I can understand the message you're getting. Oh look, so beautiful, could be a nice little seat cover/skivey/punchbag for some big guy. Never mind if they are happy. What's happiness anyway. My life is crap, why should anyone else's be any different?

Mean while, your mom's friend has buck teeth, nicotine stained and trying to clear up that hacking cough, while your fried's dad spends his days watching sport on TV while working on his upcomming heart attack.

And there's you, enjoying life. I ask you. How inconsiderate! 

[Elijah3291]

People need to focus on the bit that deserves it. It is not sad we transition, it is sad that we have to deal with this pain. Transition is a celebration! It is being a butterfly or a moth. Sure catipillers are cool and all, but moths and butterflys get to fly!

I agree

I would much rather be an ugly person with a good job, an interesting life, an active mind, good friends. and plenty to be happy about than a pretty person who's depressed, under-employed, bored, and lonely.  And I think most people would be happier in the former situation whether they care to admit it or not.

agree, and I feel like whenever my mom tells me about how beautiful i was, seems like an insult and condecending(as someone else said) because she isnt aknowledging how much happier I am now, as in 'yea you are happy now, but you were so beautiful' almost like she would rather me be her 'perfect little daughter' who will give her kids and live a female life, then be happy and comfortable in myself.

[Elijah3291]

Mean while, your mom's friend has buck teeth, nicotine stained and trying to clear up that hacking cough, while your fried's dad spends his days watching sport on TV while working on his upcomming heart attack.

haha!

[Sean]

I think this is one of those stupid things people say when they aren't sure what to say, so they go to the well of "dumb comments" that vaguely express what they really feel or believe.

An example is if someone close to you dies. People say all sorts of stupid stuff to that, most which reflects that it is an awkward situation and they don't know what to say. Usually the comments reflect whatever the person commenting believes (e.g., "She's in a better place now" = I believe in heaven/afterlife, not "wow, living on Earth sucks").

I think "It's a pity" remarks about being trans are not saying, "Well, if you were an ugly girl, I could understand you transitioning to be a boy" even if it sounds like that. I think the comments are supposed to be expressing solidarity with your Mom's grief. She has lost a daughter. Just like some people will say if you were dead, "Elijah was such a pretty girl" and they don't mean, "Wow, it's too bad your kid died, but if you had an ugly child, it would be ok." It's that it is such a shame that your Mom has to experience the grief of losing the daughter she had, and this is one way for people to express that sentiment in a way that meets our current (albeit transphobic) conventions.

When my Mom was upset that I cut my hair and said I had such pretty hair, it wasn't because if I had ugly hair, she'd have understood my transition. She was just upset and my hair represented that transition to her. Since girls are judged in our society so much by looks, it makes sense that people are focusing on the loss of that pretty "girl."

The odd thing from my perspective is that while our parents go through the mourning process for the child that isn't there anymore, we are not actually dead. As a result, a lot of the comments we get are the types of dumb things people would say if we had passed away, except now, we get to hear the stupid remarks directed towards us. I think when someone tells you that it is sad you transitioned for *whatever* reason (beauty or otherwise), the appropriate reaction is that it is sad that your family has to mourn the person they thought you were, but that it's a bittersweet time in that you hope that someday they will understand how happy you are and that this was a necessary step for your happiness.

[pebbles]

Honestly Eli your pretty reasonable looking bloke certainly not ugly but I think you were a very good looking female I envied her however I'm aware of what your saying eli, I know it dosen't help you in the slightest and is annoying when your hear it. The insinuation that you should have stayed X because you looked better... Like that was the reason why you transitioned ugh If anything begin good looking in your birth gender made the nightmare several times worse.

My mother always used to say to me when I was living as a male.
"Why don't you just cut your hair into a nice short male style and stop hiding all of your features behind all those dark baggy clothes and dressing like a burn victim, Your a good looking handsome young man, and you can have any girl you want, why won't you just try?"
She said this to me frequently growing up every-time it made me sick to my stomach. I also overheard her talking to my sister about me when I was 20 saying how I wasn't taking advantage of my male body or youth at all and they were wasted on me, She then described attractive physical male attributes I had things I was self conscious about already.
I heard this and was crushed I'd already lost my body was grotesquely deformed beyond any ability to love and there she was gleeful about it. it was nothing I wanted, I went upstairs and slashed a deep wound into my leg to try and forget my feelings I remember correctly.

Now I'm transitioning I'm not a stunner by any means at best a plane jane but I'm happier than I was, and I look at my before photo and the twisted irony is I can see what she was talking about.
Yeah... In that photo that guy could have looked half decent if he'd cut his too long scraggly hair and wore clothes that showed off his body properly. But I equally and oddly know why he didn't.

[Radar]

One word- ignorance.

[yaka]

or they are just in denial about the transitioning. sounds like they're guilt-tripping you or something.
but when you're happy on the inside, it shows on the outside 

[Tad]

My mom said something much of the same.. but in a it really is a pity.. i'm sorry you have to feel like this way.

[Asfsd4214]

Because most people live such shallow self absorbed existences that they only think of things in the most superficial way and only in how it relates to them.

I dislike most of my family cause that's exactly what they're like.


"Normal people can be so hostile" - Dexter. 

[Teknoir]

I don't think it's a transphobic thing, I just think it's a socially awkward thing. They don't encounter transitioning people very often, and subsequently have absolutely no idea what to say!

The friend was probably thinking something along the lines of "I have no idea what to say, I have no real opinion as it doesn't effect me, and I have no experience in these matters. My friend is upset, their expression looks close to someone grieving a lost love one. That's the closest situation I have experience with - so let's base our reaction on that. Now, my social conditioning compels me to say some form of sad sounding comment... let's use random grief comment #57... beepbeepbeep ".

And so - you have an ill informed comment meant only as some form of socially acceptable "topic killer" so conversation can be moved on to something more comfortable (you can't really keep complaining at someone after they say "that's a pity". You have their sympathy, so it's generally understood you move the conversation on).

I also don't think the "pity" in general from cispeople comes entirely from superiority. I really think it's partially misguided empathy. When we see someone going through a situation we don't understand, it's natural to place ourselves there and base our understanding on how we would react.

Cispeople would be miserable during and after a transition. So, they assume it's an unpleasant experience. Usually when they think about it more - they stop the pity party.

That said, I have had people say "it's a pity" the surgery outcomes suck and it still costs a crapload. I think those comments are a justified use of "pity" .

[meh]

I'm waiting for my mom and family to say this to me also.

They already said it about my hair, piercings, and clothing. They told me if I was normal looking I could've married a doctor because I'm so "pretty". Ugh. If that was their goal in life, to look pretty and snag some rich guy, then good for them. That's just not for me. And hey, if after I transition happen to date a rich good looking guy, then I can just rub it in their face. lol

[Cindy]

Is this really a response to being trans, or a response people have to information that they do not know how to handle?  I think people try to judge a response from the cues they receive from the person delivering the information.

This is my trans son, she now lives a woman, isn't she gorgeous.

This is my trans son, she now lives as a woman.

This is my trans son, before and after she started to live as a woman.

This is the the person living as a woman who used to be my son.

This is my new daughter.

This is my daughter.

Essentially the same information in each statement but the response by a third party may be completely different to eac.

BTW I sympathize. In no way was I ever accepted as female by my Mum. I was a pervert. I did once overhear "Well, will children be safe around him".
Another night of tears. I was her daughter.

Cindy

[Vanessa_yhvh]

I've gotten the same thing.

Some commented more than once about how masculine I was and that they liked me that way.

And okay, I was a real man's man for a kind of flamboyant bi guy. But that hasn't changed. I just have softer features.

Last time someone at work said, "I liked the way you were before," I replied, "...but I didn't."

[Layn]

i think it's really just the people thinking that you will have a worse life, ignoring that it already is so much better because there is no constant inner turmoil anymore. Somone who doesn't feel wrong might not be able to understand that it is possible to feel wrong and that it has such a big impact.
My parents are like this, always so sad because they think my life will suck because of this, unaccepting of the fact that a stable outside life just isn't enjoyable with an unstable inside.

[Nikolai_S]

I think it's mostly just something people say when they don't know what the socially acceptable thing is supposed to be. It might be meant as a sort of, "oh, stuff's going to change now, that's always complicated." Not necessarily meant as a transphobic comment. Or, "that's a shame, I like that person - what if they're going to be different now?"

The issue of looking better before or after transition is just shallowness. Mom made several comments about how I was so beautiful as a girl, and had the perfect female body, and how she didn't understand why I was changing something that many people would envy. Honestly, even if I look less attractive on T than I did before, I don't care. I've always been male, and my mirror image has always been less attractive to me as a result, whether it's from femininity when presenting male or the masculinity that I know is beneath the surface when presenting female. So if people think I look ugly as a guy that's their problem. I'm happier with myself this way.