'S/he'

[Stephanie]

At a forum I frequent the admin' has taken to referring to me as 's/he'.    Does this happen to you at boards you frequent? And if so what do you do about?    The cisgendered population very often seem to me to prefer to third-gender us.   This admin(female) probably thinks that she is being PC and polite by avoiding using 'he'.    Many women on the internet are prepared to accept that we mtf's are not men, however, they are noticeably reluctant to accept that we are female.    At this forum most people try and avoid pronouns when referring to me, and when they can't avoid it they do use 'her' if they like me and always 'him' if my presence annoys them.

[Asfsd4214]

My solution to this is simple...

Don't tell people you're trans.

In the case of places where you came out as trans in the duration of membership, i consider them a writeoff.

[wannalivethetruth]

Well how i see it...id rather be called he/she than "it" or "he"....if you think about it, isnt he/she the same thing as mtf? lol...just my thoughs.

[Stephanie]

I have been called 'it' quite a number of times online.   I don't want to cause a fuss at this forum by insisting on she, because I know from past experience that if I speak out I am liable to get called 'he' and 'it' again.   Online, people can goad you in completely safety and anonymity.
At this forum they like me to be sweet, and harmless.  They don't like me to express my views on anything serious, if I disagree with anyone I can expect the 'he', 'him' and even 'it' to started being used. 

[Janet_Girl]

Any forum where you are not respected, is not a place that one should be on.  Just saying.

[Elsa]

I think this "forum" is not worth your time since they obviously care only about their own opinions and not others ...

if they were even remotely interested in who you are as a person they would not behave in that manner...

I would recommend not revealing you are trans since in all possibilities you may never meet any of them in real life and if you do, you never know if they are going to be some homophobic/transphobic jerk who may try to harm/kill you...

Also why not try referring to them as "it" since they have obviously also forgot how to use their pronouns...  lets see how they like being treated that way

[Hikari]

I would see s/he as more preferable to being called 'it' but , but if a cisgendered person doesn't understand that makes me uncomfortable and why, then I merely need to explain it. Slips are sure to happen, but if they are reasonable they will refer to you by your preference if you make it known. I know it is hard and awkward, but it really is up to us to let people know that we are women and should be called as such.

Now, if you tell them how you prefer to be called, and the refuse to acknowledge you as such then I feel they are in the wrong. No one should have to suffer the damage to their self-esteem improper pronouns can cause. All that is, in my opinion is another form bullying.  There is also no need to put up with bullies of any sort.

BTW I do agree with the above remarks that it is better just to not say your trans on a pubic forum unless, that is the point of the forum (i.e. here) as it doesn't seem worth it to have to explain to people. Its the same reason I don't introduce myself to people as an atheist, as I don't want to suffer the interrogation as to why I am the way I am every time I meet someone.

[CaitJ]

My solution to this is simple...

Don't tell people you're trans.

This.

[spacial]

The problem with asking people to address you in a specific manner is some see o think t incredably clever to slip.

The forum obviously knows you are transgender and the admin is showing you what she considers to be respect, by addressing you in this way.

If you like the forum, then in your case, I would accept the situation. It's better than hostility and a forum where you feel otherwise comfortable is to be valued.

[Double_Rainbow]

Yeah, is there a reason you told them you were trans?  I mean, really...its a forum....you could introduce yourself as female.

[Sarah B]

Hi Stephanie

I will regurgitate what has already been said and to emphasis a point that may help you  and others here on Susan's no end.

Don't ever tell anybody that you're transgender.

It's none of their business, that way you will never have any problems with names or pronouns and all the other crap that goes with it.  The only time is with a long term partner and your GP.  Even then I would think twice about mentioning anything.

If people cannot address you in the correct way that you would like to be addressed, even after telling them several times about the importance of doing so.  Then they certainly don't respect you as a human being.  In which case you need to move on, because your safety and dignity as human being are being compromised.

Kind regards
Sarah B

[Stephanie]

Not telling people about myself might be fine on a gaming, sport, politics or just about any other site.  However, this forum deals with women and relationships.   The members talk about their children, grandchildren and the talk extensively about their boyfriends and their husbands and their exes.   As members often post about womens' health problems and other personal and intimate stuff I feel that it would be dishonest for me not to reveal that I am trans.   This forum is a place where women come to vent, and complain about their boyfriends/husbands attitudes, behaviours etc.   Many are very angry at men in general.  I sometimes think that it is not me personally they are angry with, it is their exes.  As they cannot take out their hostility on their real target I am seen as the next best thing.

I should have made clear the nature of this forum in my original post.

[CaitJ]

I still don't see that as a reason to out yourself.
Leave, sign up with a new account and don't out yourself.
'Dishonesty' be damned. Are you a man or a woman? If you answered 'woman' then you are not being dishonest if you say you're a woman.

[spacial]

On the other hand, that you've been accepted in there at all, demonstrates they accept you.

But, by the sound of it, asking then to only address you as female isn't going to cut much.

[Sarah B]

Why should you be used as a punching bag?  It seems to me, with no disrespect, but you are being treated like dirt. Within their group they seem to have accepted you on some level, however you are the last in their pecking order.

As Vexing said, leave and come back as someone else, dishonesty be damned.  For example just recently I was talking with my aunt about our breast examinations and I mentioned how comfortable I felt and in regards to internal examinations she described her experience and I also mentioned how uncomfortable I was when I had an internal examination by my surgeon, we then talked about our partners.  These were real 'women' issues. 

So I would suggest you talk about your issues, as women issues nothing less and nothing more.

Kind regards
Sarah B

[Nero]

  For example just recently I was talking with my aunt about our breast examinations and I mentioned how comfortable I felt and in regards to internal examinations she described her experience and I also mentioned how uncomfortable I was when I had an internal examination by my surgeon, we then talked about our partners.  These were real 'women' issues. 

So I would suggest you talk about your issues, as women issues nothing less and nothing more.

Kind regards
Sarah B

This.
Stephanie, there are women who don't have all the issues other women have. Some women have never had children, some can't have children. Some women have never had a husband, some might say they can't have a husband.  That doesn't make these women dishonest if they don't let everyone know up front they're infertile or unmarried. And that doesn't mean they can't empathize with women who have had those experiences.

[Fancyrabbit]

I don't want to cause a fuss at this forum by insisting on she, because I know from past experience that if I speak out I am liable to get called 'he' and 'it' again.

On another tans forum I was a member of a little bit ago, when I tried to debate points in a post they would respond with the same "that is very mannish of you" and other comments along the same line. This is coming from transexuals!

As for what to call a transgender... "he" and "she" don't fit IMO. But, we lack a word to address 3rd gender types. It seems as if transgender are under pressure to "pick a side" so they can fit in with males or females (each hoping they can "blend in" and become accepted).

Realistically, transgender aren't male or female. They don't go through the same things. They have their own challenges and issues which are common to their own group. But, also realistically, the world simply isn't accepting of this minority...

So, instead of fighting for the "right" to use male or female pronouns, I think trans people should be fighting for their own. Instead of fighting to be accepted under the banner of male or female, the trans community should be fighting to be accepted under their own (because, really, the "fuzzy middle ground" between male and female seems a bit large.

[CaitJ]

As for what to call a transgender person... "he" and "she" don't fit IMO.

Thankfully your opinion is largely irrelevant and not widely held.

But, we lack a word to address 3rd gender types. It seems as if transgender are under pressure to "pick a side" so they can fit in with males or females (each hoping they can "blend in" and become accepted).

Pressure? No. Binary transgender people already identify with a 'side'.

Realistically, transgender people aren't male or female.

Realistically, you're talking out your ass. Transgender people are whatever gender they identify as - male, female, both, neither, whatever.
What YOU think they are is totally irrelevant, because it's THEIR identity.

They don't go through the same things. They have their own challenges and issues which are common to their own group. But, also realistically, the world simply isn't accepting of this minority...

No two individuals on this planet go through the same things. No two women or men have identical experiences.
Lots of minorities have not been accepted throughout history, but that wasn't a reason for them to roll over and give up.

So, instead of fighting for the "right" to use male or female pronouns, I think trans people should be fighting for their own. Instead of fighting to be accepted under the banner of male or female, the trans community should be fighting to be accepted under their own (because, really, the "fuzzy middle ground" between male and female seems a bit large.

No thanks. I'm female.
You go be 'fuzzy' without me.
I know who I am and what my gender is. I know that I have a right to the correct pronouns, just as the African slaves had a right to freedom, gays have a right to join the military and women have the right to vote.

[Fancyrabbit]

I'm just curious, why would you find it offensive to belong to a "3rd gender" category? Nothing of how you think or act or dress would need to change, it is simply defining what you are for better understanding (which is pretty much the entire job of words, to communicate).

Obviously the "3rd gender" would have a large variety of types under it with the current way I was trying to define it... but, then again, the same is true for male and female.

A 3rd gender is already used in other parts of the world (india and thailand i believe, though they have their own issues... it is at least a socially integrated category).

I could go into the reasons that needing to define trans people is important (such as dating), but... you already know all that.

Basically, the entire reason would be to not mislead others. If you are on a dating site and someone looks at your profile saying you are a woman, chances are they might have issue with that when you start getting to know eachother (having extra bits in bed is a big tipoff for the pre-op people). Unless you think it makes more sense to always have  to "clear things up" as you get to know someone. Always needing to add in the fine-print at some point with people.

The only issue with a 3rd gender category is the entire dynamic of "stealth" goes away. Which (in our current world) is kind of dangerous sometimes (so I completely understand the practical NEED to blend in with male or female). But, in places like the forum you are at (where they already know what you are), the need to do that goes away and you can simply be what you are (which, again, is lacking fitting words in our language).

mmm, just thinking out loud Maybe the he/she is enough? *Shrug* logically it just doesn't seem to want to fit in my mind.

[Renate]

Realistically, transgender aren't male or female.

Um, this is so off-base that I really can't think what to reply.

I'm a woman. Yup, just a woman. A particularly boring and unexceptional one.

As for any woman, my pronouns are "she" and "her".