Quote from: Alex201 on January 31, 2011, 06:30:15 PM
[Note..my male side hates my female side..but thats tough]
You've got to get all aspects of your personality working together. My base personality is very genderless. But sometimes I'll want to be more masculine or feminine. It's hard to accept, because most of the time I don't care about those things. But sometimes I do, and it can be hard to allow for them.
Sometimes I'll want to be all girly, and then other times I want to be the tough girl. These desires happen very spontaneously. It's almost like having multiple personalities, but it's more like having different attributes to the same person. When these things happen I don't really consider myself as having a different identity. I just have various, and often mutually exclusive, aspects of me.
I also have extreme dominant and submissive tendencies. Sometimes I want to control everything, and other times I don't want to have any sort of control over anything. It is hard, because sometimes I'll spend entire days being tough and working out, only to find that I don't want to use my strength when it would be most practically useful to do so.
I don't know if this counts as DID or not, but I do know that I do not always react to the world around me in the same way. If you're like me, then the best thing you can do is create an "equilibrium" personality which best reflects the potentials of all your attributes. This makes it easier to switch between masculine/feminine (or whatever other attributes you have) when you want to do so.
This is the reason I consider myself genderless. Physically I want to be female, but mentally I am very androgynous. Sometimes I'll swing to one extreme or the other, but these events usually don't last very long before I flip back to my default state which isn't particularly masculine nor feminine. But if you have multiple aspects to your personality, the first thing you must do is figure out what each side wants. Once you know what each side wants, you can set up your life in a way which maximizes the potential of all aspects of your personality(ies)
For example, today I am feeling very feminine and girly, but that probably won't be the case tomorrow. Yesterday I was very androgynous, and I was relating to other people in both masculine and feminine ways. I felt very much like the girls I was around, yet at the same time I felt very "other" and not like them. I was sort of a guy and a girl at the same time. It's interesting when that happens, because it changes how people relate to me.
I haven't yet learned how to incorporate all aspects of my personality. My transition experiment is leaving me feeling very strange, because I'm having to accept a more feminine body (which I do want). At the same time, I haven't quite found the best way to express the more masculine aspects of my personality. My transition is making me feel more like a girl, which makes it more awkward to express the masculine side of my personality. I'm starting to feel more like a female expressing a masculine personality rather than a male expressing a masculine personality. It feels very different, and I'm having to adjust to it mentally. Although the personality is essentially the same, it is being expressed through a more feminine body. It is taking me awhile to adjust to the changes, as I've had a lot of mental resistance to various aspects of transition. It is a learning process. I am taking everything one day at a time. I think that with time, I can learn how to incorporate all of these various aspects of myself into one personality, and I won't feel like I'm constantly flipping around all the time with how I feel about myself.
I also agree with Kate. It is about the yin and yang. It is about how everything flows and works together. If you feel conflicted with yourself, it's because you haven't discovered who you truly are.
