They are all loud..and wanting to be shown. They each fight each other, dying to be expressed and shown to the world. It is hard...a part of me likes to be a pretty girl... While another part of me wants to be male. I call myself androgynous to try and settle this battle of the genders once and for all...but each side is desperate to be seen and screams for me to show more...until I have a war of contradicting sides tugging at me one way and another. Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna be ripped in two. You feel me? I am not possessed...just conflicted.

Oh I feel ya Alex!!
My therapist had me do an exericise in therapy. She asked me to close my eyes and have a conversation with all the facets of myself. Create a room that would be comfortable for all...and start asking what everyone would want and need.
If facets don't have names yet...start there! Even if the "name" is simply an emotion or a sense. "manly" or "angry" is a proper name if it fits and suits.
From there...ask what everyone needs. How can these needs be met? It doesn't even have to be realistic! Just...listen. From there you can start to peice together that which is realistic and plausable.
For me...everyone just wants to be seen. That's not always possible. We just...strive for the balance as we can get it. *hugs*

Sevan's advice is solid. I am not a multiple system but thought of doing this exact thing back in July- actually vocalized myself using the two different voices I present with and had the conversation during the hour ride home from work. Both sides of who I am expressed their needs & fears with complete love & understanding. There was no competion; just give & take that lead to a greater understanding of who I am. This single conversation has helped me as much as HRT and 18 months of therapy.

And I want to me clear that this exercise isn't for multi systems only. Any one can do this to sort out any situation where your feeling torn or unheard. Not all needs and requests can be met.

In my first conversation I asked my more masculine side what he wanted and needed...he responded with a desire to be seen more often and preferably full time. I asked my more feminine side what she wanted and needed...and she also wanted full time. Clearly not possible but with some brain gymnastics I was able to combine the needs and split the time....even if most days people just see a woman. *shrugs*

Quote from: Alex201 on January 30, 2011, 09:36:34 PM
They are all loud..and wanting to be shown. They each fight each other, dying to be expressed and shown to the world. It is hard...a part of me likes to be a pretty girl... While another part of me wants to be male. I call myself androgynous to try and settle this battle of the genders once and for all...but each side is desperate to be seen and screams for me to show more...until I have a war of contradicting sides tugging at me one way and another. Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna be ripped in two. You feel me? I am not possessed...just conflicted.

Alex,

I know it is difficult and you want loads of answers. But dont try to rush things. You will work things out in time. Just try and get comfortable with what you know about yourself now and let the rest sort itself in time.

I totally understand what you are going through alex - i've been there myself, with my head spinning from the battle going on within. I called it the noise in my head - it would get deafening at times, and it was happening more and more often. I HAD to find a way to get off that merry go round because i couldn't hide it any longer and it was interfering with my life.

I did what others here in this thread are advocating - have that chat between all of your sides, and see if a compromise can be reached.

Thanks everyone..I went ahead and had a conversation with the sides of myself and I figured out a few things.

This is how it went..

Me to my male side : what do you want?

Male side: I want to be shown more and expressed..I want people to acknowledge me and I want to be full time.

Me to my female side:  What do you want?

Female side: I want to be pretty and be able to dress up. I want to be cute and delicate and beautiful.

Me: Okay..well I can be a very very very pretty boy...very flamboyant. Not too masculine.

[Note..my male side hates my female side..but thats tough]





So I think I've come to a compromise..we will see how it goes.

Well done Alex! I've found that some days "fully" male, some days "fully" female and most days spent mixed and blended. Doesn't always work...but works more often than not. Best wishes on your path.

I'd like to try that. But, it's in such a tangle in my head now that most of it is blended. But the parts of the two that aren't tangled, I'd feel more comfortable in them being blended. But, then I think I should untangle the mess and start over again, letting them have a clean slate, so to speak. Then I think it would be most effective. Or untangle and blend, untangle and blend. (sounds like something you do with hair). I'm very close now to starting low dose HRT. I'm hoping it will help with blending, as I'm untangling. Hormones and therapy, rinse and repeat...

Solid concept!

Alex I know the feeling of have such a scattered personality. I too have suffered this so I know a bit of how frustrating it can be sometimes.  I just wanted to say that what Sevan suggests *is* a really good thing to apply... Intensely introspective 'meditation' with yourself will be an important part of getting all this confliction to subside, but I wanted to add that TIME is, in my opinion, just as valuable if not mores-so (this was mentioned already as well).  It's just that having a conversation with your 'selfs' can give almost a false sense of accomplishment.  It will probably take a LOT of said conversations to gain any true relevant resolve within your psyche.  I wanted to add to this conversation the importance of not rushing through this.  I know that such issues are pressing and you probably want to 'fix' them now, but I felt it important to mention patience.

I'm curious to know how things will all work out for you.  You might find that some aspects of each 'personality' are strong enough to be anchored completely into your own identity, some may be constructed for whatever reasons and totally disappear, and you may find that some aspects are like of 50/50 relevance and gradually begin to meet somewhere in the middle.

The real hell of it as far as I'm concerned is when the 'selfs' have different genders!  I once tried to consciously assign all male and then all female genders to my selfs in hopes that even though they were very different, AT LEAST they could all be of one gender.  I thought it would just *have to* make things easier.  Needless to say perhaps, that lying to yourself is never a good idea.  Interpersonal female selfs hating the male self and vice-versa; it's ok, as with time and reflection I think you can find that peace between the selfs can and does exist.  It wasn't until I met a girl that told me she had 'guys living in her head sometimes,' that I figured it was doable, and maybe even natural or more common than I figured even amongst the cis-people?  And the closer you get to incorporating all of you personalities into one true 'you,' the better life will get, trust me.  The feeling of bringing your selfs together into one true self is nothing short of incredible.

I guess I wanted to tell you all of this because I've been there... I'm still there a little bit, but only a little.  And to jump in and say congratulations for realizing this about yourself, and best of luck to you in working through all of the scattered debris.

Quote from: ativan on January 31, 2011, 11:44:29 PM
I'd like to try that. But, it's in such a tangle in my head now that most of it is blended. But the parts of the two that aren't tangled, I'd feel more comfortable in them being blended. But, then I think I should untangle the mess and start over again, letting them have a clean slate, so to speak. Then I think it would be most effective. Or untangle and blend, untangle and blend. (sounds like something you do with hair). I'm very close now to starting low dose HRT. I'm hoping it will help with blending, as I'm untangling. Hormones and therapy, rinse and repeat...

Solid concept!

This made me lol... It's *so* true!  With enough washing, brushing, and conditioning your hair will most definitely untangle and fall together beautifully.

Aye, it's never going to be simple! I am (at present, it would seem) both a man who fancies men, and a woman who's bisexual. Fortunately for me, we both mostly have the same dress sense (or lack thereof), and I discovered recently at a Five Rhythms Dance session that suddenly flipping over from one to the other makes no difference to how I want to dance(!)

But it seems to me the main thing is to bring the two into some kind of harmony, so they're cooperating instead of competing. Because they're all me. I also learned a great exercise where you imagine them both either side of you, and then you physically step from the middle into the one, and then back to the middle, then into the other, then back to the middle and so on, seeing how each one felt, but always coming back to the bigger you in between, listening to each, and seeing if each heard what the other one said. I had some resistance to this at first (it felt too Californian), but it has really helped me see how they relate to each other, and has helped them with that too (this is all getting grammatically weird...) so treat 'em kind and they'll treat you kind .

Dear Alex,

Your courageous posting stir some long forgotten memories. During my teen and early twenties I become uber macho. I fell in love with this girl and I wanted to marry her, but she run away with my best friend. One night I was so devastated, and felt so lonely I could die. Then I heard a soft voice i my head: "you are not alone I am always here with me, why do you reject me?" I start sobbing and thinking "I am so sorry." The I felt an embrace and warm wave travel trough my body. I recover, grow up, become who I am: a female with many good male characteristics. We all are yin and yang.

All my love and best wishes

Kate

Quote from: Alex201 on January 31, 2011, 06:30:15 PM
[Note..my male side hates my female side..but thats tough]

You've got to get all aspects of your personality working together.  My base personality is very genderless.  But sometimes I'll want to be more masculine or feminine.  It's hard to accept, because most of the time I don't care about those things.  But sometimes I do, and it can be hard to allow for them.

Sometimes I'll want to be all girly, and then other times I want to be the tough girl.  These desires happen very spontaneously.  It's almost like having multiple personalities, but it's more like having different attributes to the same person.  When these things happen I don't really consider myself as having a different identity.  I just have various, and often mutually exclusive, aspects of me.

I also have extreme dominant and submissive tendencies.  Sometimes I want to control everything, and other times I don't want to have any sort of control over anything.  It is hard, because sometimes I'll spend entire days being tough and working out, only to find that I don't want to use my strength when it would be most practically useful to do so.

I don't know if this counts as DID or not, but I do know that I do not always react to the world around me in the same way.  If you're like me, then the best thing you can do is create an "equilibrium" personality which best reflects the potentials of all your attributes.  This makes it easier to switch between masculine/feminine (or whatever other attributes you have) when you want to do so.

This is the reason I consider myself genderless.  Physically I want to be female, but mentally I am very androgynous.  Sometimes I'll swing to one extreme or the other, but these events usually don't last very long before I flip back to my default state which isn't particularly masculine nor feminine.  But if you have multiple aspects to your personality, the first thing you must do is figure out what each side wants.  Once you know what each side wants, you can set up your life in a way which maximizes the potential of all aspects of your personality(ies)

For example, today I am feeling very feminine and girly, but that probably won't be the case tomorrow.  Yesterday I was very androgynous, and I was relating to other people in both masculine and feminine ways.  I felt very much like the girls I was around, yet at the same time I felt very "other" and not like them.  I was sort of a guy and a girl at the same time.  It's interesting when that happens, because it changes how people relate to me.

I haven't yet learned how to incorporate all aspects of my personality.  My transition experiment is leaving me feeling very strange, because I'm having to accept a more feminine body (which I do want).  At the same time, I haven't quite found the best way to express the more masculine aspects of my personality.  My transition is making me feel more like a girl, which makes it more awkward to express the masculine side of my personality.  I'm starting to feel more like a female expressing a masculine personality rather than a male expressing a masculine personality.  It feels very different, and I'm having to adjust to it mentally.  Although the personality is essentially the same, it is being expressed through a more feminine body.  It is taking me awhile to adjust to the changes, as I've had a lot of mental resistance to various aspects of transition.  It is a learning process.  I am taking everything one day at a time.  I think that with time, I can learn how to incorporate all of these various aspects of myself into one personality, and I won't feel like I'm constantly flipping around all the time with how I feel about myself.

I also agree with Kate.  It is about the yin and yang.  It is about how everything flows and works together.  If you feel conflicted with yourself, it's because you haven't discovered who you truly are.

Quote from: Alex201 on January 30, 2011, 09:36:34 PM
They are all loud..and wanting to be shown. They each fight each other, dying to be expressed and shown to the world. It is hard...a part of me likes to be a pretty girl... While another part of me wants to be male. I call myself androgynous to try and settle this battle of the genders once and for all...but each side is desperate to be seen and screams for me to show more...until I have a war of contradicting sides tugging at me one way and another. Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna be ripped in two. You feel me? I am not possessed...just conflicted.

Nothing.  You live your life.  Be feminine when you want to, be masculine when you want to, be a mix when you want to, etc.  Be how you feel.  Human beings are complex creatures-- there's no reason to try to simplify it.

Quote from: Juliet on March 13, 2011, 08:04:30 PM
Nothing.  You live your life.  Be feminine when you want to, be masculine when you want to, be a mix when you want to, etc.  Be how you feel.  Human beings are complex creatures-- there's no reason to try to simplify it.

WOW!!  That's excellent advice.

Quote from: espo on March 15, 2011, 09:12:53 PM


WOW!!  That's excellent advice.

I usually get crap from people for giving that advice- they don't want to hear it! But it's true.

Hi.

This will depend how far you are along the road in life & of cause your age.

Im 63  , can this be about school , work , things you like doing, does it have to be about how you look or not as the case  may be. is there a conflict, or is  it one that we bring up ,

Now is it about how we dress  friends we have  places we go & who with. & the very important part family,
you as a young one growing up,   then you haveing children wether you bear them or your S O.

Okay theres going to be some things we can not do because our bodys are ether male or female or intersex.

I know what i am. & i dont have a problem being who i am okay i had a few spare parts & others i missed out on. yet over all im very happy with what i have & who i am.

Im not masculine or feminine. yet i embrace both ,  not fully of cause & do i need to. do i  have to look this masculine  guy  or this girle girl . well no . im a mix of both & its been working for me for many years , just i never could get it quite right . or all to gether.

When i knew who i was / am & how i was / am things became clear for me as a person its about acceptance first of your self for who you are & 2 nd acceptance from others.

you know what,   when you accept others as a part of your life or in to it,   its really quite beautifull  what takes place .
for me the Butterfly says it all. you have every thing you need its the timeing of your life that takes place & at the right time it all comes together . no way before the time. when you get that,    every other detail falls in to place.

I dont wont or need to be any one else because thats not who i am. im not perfect in many ways to be a male or a woman yet i have what i need to be who i am.

We miss  out on being who we are because we over think . we must dress in this way ..because of .............or do things this way because...........We spend 1 / 2  our lives trying to be this some one else...why.......   when we could be this beautifull person & be the one who we really are,

Just accept you & live like you should.

...noeleena...

@ Alaex201, it's now been a month and a half. Are you finding any resolution?

Everyone's advice on here has been different, yet the same. You could try and boil it all down to a simple formula, technique, meditation, or like me (adjust your hormones a little).
All of these things are true. Take the aspects that are you and then be them. If there is a conflict, work it out. Everyone does this. You will find the equilibrium that you want. There isn't one answer, one way. Other than Be Your Self! be who you are today, because tomorrow you may need to be who you are then. Learn to enjoy it. Look for the better. You may find out that both sides work best when they learn to both be you. Acceptance of self is the answer, and as you can see, there are many good people here to help you.

Quote from: ativan on March 16, 2011, 07:59:03 AM
Be Your Self!

That's the key to it all.  Just explore yourself and your identity until you figure yourself out.  The journey is the fun part anyway. 

What to do when you encompas all human genders in one human body?

Nothing much I imagine.