Feminism, Dysphoria, and @$#% in between!

[Heath]

Okay, so I really need to let off some steam about things that have been bothering me lately as a result of being trans.

1.  The accusation that transmen cannot be feminists if they are or have transitioned to male.  I've actually had a friend of mine (transwoman no less!) say to me "how can you be feminist if you're transitioning to male? I just find that strange...."  Uhh, maybe because anyone can be a feminist and fight for women's rights?  I don't know. Thoughts on that one?

2.  "You're such a beautiful woman though!"  This one is usually told to me by "bisexual" women who mainly just have serious relationships with men, or it's said by straight men (sometimes drunken men).
 
3. "Why can't you just be a lesbian?"  Because for starters I'm not completely attracted to women.  I like men too...I just haven't found the right one.  I'm 100% one of those people who says "I'm drawn to the person, not what's under their clothes!"  I will ALWAYS be that way.  Secondly, the whole "why can't you just be a lesbian" question I find highly offensive because that's like telling a lesbian or a gay man "well, dang, why can't you just be straight?"  It's because they AREN'T and I'm not a cisgender individual!  It's not like putting on clothes...you can't just change your gender every day (although some people DO and they are fantastically amazing for being able to pull it off! Seriously I wish I had those mad skills.)

4. "Heath is a boy's name though."  No kidding. Another variation: "Heath...that's a very interesting/unique name."  Not really.  Heard of Heath Ledger (The Joker)?

5.  "I prefer dick too much."  Told to me by straight and bisexual women.  This has been said to me more often these days now that I'm on testosterone.  I think it's so humorous to be honest.  It's as if straight women keep trying to convince themselves they're straight even if they find me attractive on testosterone.  Weirdness!  Can anyone else relate to this one?  Like, you've been noticing female friends of yours who knew you pre-transition drop little remarks like that in conversations involving sex (just sex in general...you're not coming on to them).  Or is it just me?

6.  "But don't you have like....huge boobs?  You can't be trans...."  I can't even find words to describe how crass statements like those are.

It's stuff like the above that makes my dysphoria absolutely skyrocket through the roof.  I wish people could just treat me like I'm just another dude (or better yet, just treat me as a human being) without putting me through all this binary junk.  Will I be the most masculine man ever in 5 years?  I'd wager no.  But when I presented as female, I wasn't 100% feminine either.  Will the nonsense EVER end?

Seriously, WHY do other people care so much about what I do to MY body?  Is it causing them harm?  No.  I could see if I was a drug addict, alcoholic, or something else where I was causing harm to others, but the last I checked going through the proper channels to medically transition to the other gender is NOT something that causes harm to others.

[okydoky]

I hear ya, Heath! I hate the world of binary. I wish everyone was a little more "flexible" with their gender/sexuality. I know it's not possible, but it's just how I wish the world was. It'd be so much easier and there wouldn't be awkward situations like those.

I have yet to come out to anyone but my partner, and she's fully supportive, but... I wish other people could see me for who I really am. I just don't really want to have to actually TELL them... I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I'd just like there to be a natural shift among those close to me, so that they gradually start referring to me as he, etc.

And I'm sure if I do come out to others, I can expect many such comments to come my way. But, what can ya do? The world is the way it is, and I guess it's our job to educate them on these matters.

[Brent123]

What I don't get is the feminists? Isn't part of what they're fighting for is a woman's right to do what she wants with her body? Or at least that's the impression I had.

I also hate that people think we are "taking the easy way out." Complete and utter crap. Nothing about this has been easy. Coming to terms with it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

[Skyanne]

Feminism just seems to have stopped being about equal rights for women and become more like chauvanism for women.  I think it's prolly time for a new term that doesn't focus on one gender.

[NightWing]

The "feminists" you guys are talking about aren't true feminists.  There are just a few crazy ones that give the rest a bad name.

[Heath]

I hear ya, Heath! I hate the world of binary. I wish everyone was a little more "flexible" with their gender/sexuality. I know it's not possible, but it's just how I wish the world was. It'd be so much easier and there wouldn't be awkward situations like those.

I have yet to come out to anyone but my partner, and she's fully supportive, but... I wish other people could see me for who I really am. I just don't really want to have to actually TELL them... I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I'd just like there to be a natural shift among those close to me, so that they gradually start referring to me as he, etc.

And I'm sure if I do come out to others, I can expect many such comments to come my way. But, what can ya do? The world is the way it is, and I guess it's our job to educate them on these matters.

I wish I could just smoothly shift from female to male haha.  Just wake up one morning in the right body, but I bet we're not the only two who wish that.  I figured out that as a trans person you either have to come out whenever someone calls you the wrong gender pronoun (which sometimes you just can't do if you feel in an unsafe situation), OR you just keep silent about the process until your friends start noticing physical changes that they didn't notice pre-transition.  Either way, it sucks.  That part is certain.  Personally I went with the former option.  I'd rather explain myself fifty billion times if it leads to some form of enlightenment then live in a shadow of who I want to be.  Unfortunately, "coming out" on a damn near daily basis certainly does make me prone to the kinds of statements I listed at the beginning of this thread, but you gotta take the bad with the good I s'pose.

What I don't get is the feminists? Isn't part of what they're fighting for is a woman's right to do what she wants with her body? Or at least that's the impression I had.

I also hate that people think we are "taking the easy way out." Complete and utter crap. Nothing about this has been easy. Coming to terms with it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I also think feminism IS about that, which should also include a woman's right to physically transition to male if that is what ze really wants.  Also, I believe feminism is just simply about equality: equal rights, equal pay in the workforce, etc.  It's a sad fact that women earn 70 cents to a man's dollar, and women of color earn even less than that.  Here's a more tangible example: you could have two people, one male and one female who went to the same school, studied the same subject, got the same grades, had the same connections and opportunities, and then they enter into the same field for the same position.  After doing a comparison of their salaries, that's the difference you get.  That needs to be changed, because really, how degrading.

Edit: I also meant to add that I feel the same way about the "easy way out" statements.  Luckily I haven't had anything like that said to me personally - I've only seen it when referred to transmen as a collective.  But let's really think about it here using my prior example:  women earn 70 cents to a man's dollar; trans people are more likely to end up unemployed and homeless.  Clearly here the "easy way out" is to live a lie and just be what society wants us to be.  I've yet to hear of "trans privilege."

[popweasel]

Because if a woman is transitioning to male, then obviously she is an ugly dyke who is only trying to be a guy because she fails at being a girl.
well, no. But that's what other people tell me. :/

There's a saying that 80% of wisdom is merely not busting into other people's business. Of course, it's your own body, why should it bug anyone else?

[N.Chaos]

5.  "I prefer dick too much."  Told to me by straight and bisexual women.  This has been said to me more often these days now that I'm on testosterone.  I think it's so humorous to be honest.  It's as if straight women keep trying to convince themselves they're straight even if they find me attractive on testosterone.  Weirdness!  Can anyone else relate to this one?  Like, you've been noticing female friends of yours who knew you pre-transition drop little remarks like that in conversations involving sex (just sex in general...you're not coming on to them).  Or is it just me?

Oh yeah. Even in high school, before I started to actually try to pass as male, there were a few occasions where these supposedly straight girls would latch onto me and practically get obsessed with me. It was the weirdest ->-bleeped-<-ing thing.

[Heath]

Because if a woman is transitioning to male, then obviously she is an ugly dyke who is only trying to be a guy because she fails at being a girl.
well, no. But that's what other people tell me. :/

Ugh, I've heard that one before, albeit not directed at me.  But you know what....it's true, I fail at being a girl because this is not the body I ever wanted.  So, people can just go ahead and think that, haha. 

Oh yeah. Even in high school, before I started to actually try to pass as male, there were a few occasions where these supposedly straight girls would latch onto me and practically get obsessed with me. It was the weirdest ->-bleeped-<-ing thing.

Yeah! I get latched on too but at the same time I'm kept at a distance with the "I prefer dick" comments.  It's VERY weird.  It's like these girls need me for....what? Emotional support?  Empathy?  A fantasy in their brain?  Bah, I'll never understand it....

6.  "But don't you have like....huge boobs?  You can't be trans...." 

that usually leads to a testosterone and binding 101. or...well, erm, yes, getting rid of them is sort of the point...

I've used all of your responses before, but this one is a good one that I'll remember the next time it happens (which hopefully won't be in the near future.)  Thanks for your feedback! I agree that males are powerful allies who can inspire change from the inside out.