Best Kept Secret . . .

[gina_taylor]

About four years ago, I placed an ad in a magazine looking for others that shared my interest as a MtF person. I received a lot of letters, but they were more from straight people. Then last February I received a letter from a guy who told me that he is very honest and that he just loves MtF people, so we started corresponding. After awhile, he found that he was falling in love with me and by November he proposed to me to be his wife, and I accepted.  So I became Mrs. Gina A. Berryman and so on Novevember 6 of this year will be our first anniversary.  :)He's serving time for bank robbery and he'll be getting out around 2010. But if you're wondering how we got married, that was done by exchanging of wedding gifts. But the sweetest thing he did was for my birthday. I received a Teddy Bear and a berry cented gel candle that cost him $45.00, and it arrived on my birthday! We decided to name the Teddy Bear  Jersey. I recieve a letter from him almost every day and I've recieved four photos of him.


Gina

[Cassandra]

Gina, hon.

I'm not quite sure how to put this and I don't think anybody else does judging from the lack of responses to your post so I'll just be blunt. Have you lost your ever loving mind? Honest people don't rob banks! This guy is in prison, he'll say anything. Exchanging gifts does not constitute a marriage any more than a teenage boy giving a girl a promise ring or a fraternity pin.

Is this why your in such an all fired hurry to grow breasts without so much as a doctors advice? If your doing this for him then your doing it for the wrong reason. You have to be doing it for yourself not some other person and especially not some prison pen pal. Do you see this person as a way out of your current living situation? Do you think that once he gets out he's going to come and sweep you of your feet and take you away from all your problems? If so, this is a fantasy. Wake up and get back into the real world. This guy is nothing but TROUBLE.

It's your life you have to live it as you see fit but if your expecting congratulations or kudos for finding yourself an understanding guy you won't get it from me. As far as I'm concerned this guy is using you for some as yet unknown nefarious purpose.

Are you seeing a therapist? If so have you discussed this with him/her? I am seriously concerned here for your well being. Warning bells are going off in my head along with a very loud alarm. I don't know how you might extricate yourself from this situation but you can bet this guy is dangerous. If you decide to break it off be very careful how you do it.

You are perfectly within your right to tell me to back off and mind my own beeswax. I won't take offence. You posted here so you must have wanted someones opinion and I have given it. Maybe you just wanted to tell someone in which case I have told you more than you wanted to here. It's just my opinion. Take it or leave it.


Cassie

[Chaunte]

Gina,

Hon, I have to agree with Cassie.  More importantly, I am really, really concerned about your physical safety and well being!

Bank robbery relies on the threat of violence and the willingness to us it.  To survive in prison, you have to be willing to continue the violence.  I am worried that you will become a battered woman, an abused wife and a terrible statistic.

We're saying these things because we love you, and we don't want anything bad to happen to you.

It's your life, and you have a right to live it any way you choose.  But please, please, please ...  Think this through very, very carefully.

Your sister,
Chaunte

[gina_taylor]

Thanks for your replies.

My husband is a bank robber, but he's never used a gun. He walks in and hands the teller a note and proceeds from there.

No, I haven't lost my mind. He's been very sweet to me. I had thought of our exchanging wedding gifts like a teenage boy giving a a girl a promise ring or a fraternity pin. But he does wear the gift proudly.


No this is not the reason that I want to grow breats in a fired hurry. It's alwasy been a desire for me. I've been on this journey longer than I've known my husband for. To recap, I have spoken with my GP and my psychaitrist and they both told me that they do not know much about transsexualism, so that is why I have decided to take matters into my own hands, and have been trying to find the best way for breast development.

No I do not see this person as a way out  of my present living situation. Right now we're just corresponding , but he is making plans for us. Right from the start he's told me that he's very honest and sincere, and that he'd never hurt me and that he'd potect me. He's in love with me, and that really means alot to me.  He's actuually written two very sincere letters to my mother, but becaue of his present situation, she won't overlook that.

I know that due to the curcumstances that I wasn't going to be congradulated for being married to a convict, but he still is a human being. I've gone over the possibilty that he may be using me, but there has never been amy pressure in our relationship. he asks for things, but only on the contingingcies that I can afford it. If I can't it's no problem.

I have spoken about him with my  therapist, and she saw no problem. She actually suggested that maybe I should go and meet him in person, before making a commitment to him.

Thanks for your concern, but I feel safe with the choices that I've made.

Gina

[Cassandra]

Gina,

Ted Bundy was handsome, charming and all of his victims had told there friends how honest and sensitive he was. Now he is dead but not before becoming the most infamous serial killer of women in the 20th century.

Someone who is in prison for bank robbery did not make a mistake, it's their profession. What do you think this guy is going to do when he gets out in 2010, work at McDonalds? And what about the cost of your transition. You're single, in the real world, everything you earn you can spend on your transition. Which will cost you about as much as a Lexus or Mercedes by time all is said and done. How is he going to take to this? How will he contribute.

I can see the scenario now.

"Wait here honey while I just run into this bank to cash a check." Next thing you know your doing 10 to 20 as an accomplice to a bank robbery, or worse. The notes he passes contain threats. The bank is not going to fork over money just because someone comes in and say's could you please hand me all the money in your cash drawer.

He used a note because an actual gun would have gotten him a longer sentence if he got caught which he did. If he is a two time looser or becomes one then the third time he will definetely use a gun because a third time is mandatory life. He will take you down with him.

But it's your life. Seems you have given some thought to the matter and I will not caution you further. I hope the best for you and that everything turns out okay. But, I seriously have my doubts.

Good Journey.


Cassie

[Leigh]

  Right from the start he's told me that he's very honest 

An honest bank robber, what a novel concept!  That is right up there with military intelligence.

[nicole_dianelle]

sorry gina

i find it kinda funny not at ur story but at something similiar that happen to be. Though during the time it wasn't funny. i was at my bank desposting my check. when a guy push his way up beside me. he grab me around the throat with his let arm at the same time pull out a gun with his right. and start screaming for everyone to get down. everyone hit the floor. i didn't hear nothing else except the feeling of the gun press to my head. i didn't know how but i manage to get a glance of the gun. i remember that i owning a bb gun or air gun...forgot now...that look alot like that one. i didn't exactly remember what happen afterward but the thought of "it not a real gun" repeating over and over in my head.the next thing i know he was screaming in pain in his pool of blood. everyone told me that i broke his left hand. and also broke his nose and kick him in the crotch. it turn out to be fake like i had thought. afterward i heard him saying to the police that it was just a toy gun and that he was just joking around.

well i sure as hell didn't fine it funny.

[gina_taylor]

Hey Nicole,

That sounds very traumatic, and I'm really sorry to hear that you had to have went through it. Something like that can repeat itself in your mind forever.

But I'm really glad that you were able to defend yourself and that he was apprehended by the police. Even though it was a fake gun , he still endangered the lives of others including yourself. But like I've said before, my husband has never used a gun when he robbed banks. He always walks in and hands the teller a note and proceeds from there. I've seen some of the recent police reports and there is no mention of any weapon. He doesn't like the use of guns. He's told me that if he were to see anyone posing any harm to me or my family he would stop them even if it meant going back to jail.

Gina

[Shelley]

Hi Gina,

There are some very scary undertones to your posts. Please be careful and think carefully about what you are saying. I say this only for your good.

Shelley

[AnneW]

Gina:  I'm afraid that I have to agree with the other posts.

Please be very careful - both for your physical as well as mental well being.

It is very easy for someone to tell you whatever they want while on-line, but the reality of one on one interactions is very different.

Please talk to another counselor about this before you make any decisions that could have very negative impacts on your life.

Anne

[Brenda32]

Gina you said:

But like I've said before, my husband has never used a gun when he robbed banks. He always walks in and hands the teller a note and proceeds from there. I've seen some of the recent police reports and there is no mention of any weapon.

How many banks has he robbed??  Good Lord!!!!  I truly hope this is a joke and you're going to tell us that you're kidding.

You also mentioned that you have NOT actually face to face MET him yet.  Is that true?  Listen I don't know you well, but if that, along with everything else is true then you REALLY need a new therapist because HE isn't the one wth the issues here.  Any therapist worth his weight would eat right through this one.

Also, could someone please tell me how to do the quote thing in the purple box.  I havn't quite figured that one out yet.

I've moved the answers to this question to the Help & Howto's Forum found here:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,1141.0.html

[KelliTGirl]

Gina,

I was reading through this thread, agreeing very much with alot of what everyone as told you so far. Do you understand, thast the mind of a con, the mind of a theif, the mind of a liar....is always the same? Do you undertstand the motivation for even "non-violent" crimes? Mostly it's about power, control and maniuplation...

And from the sounds of it, he's got you so well manipulated and blinded by bull**** that you're in alot of danger.

[Kimberly]

What gives us the right to judge someone we have NEVER MET, NEVER INTERACTED WITH and hell for that matter basically know NOTHING of.

One would think that we, given that we are stereotypically judged by those who do not understand, would not be so quick to judge based on such little understanding.

[Brenda32]

Excellent and well taken point Kimberly.  However, this is a scenario that has been played out WAY too many times.  Criminals taking advantage of women?  Please, it's one of the oldest tricks in the book.  Though none of us can predict the future, the only way to come close is to look at past history.  Odds makers do it all the time in betting.  By reading the previous posts we can see that he has made a life of robbing, deceiving and lying to people.  Could this time be different?  Sure.  Is it possible that he could be an honest and sincere person?  Absolutely.  Is it likely?  No.

Let's assume your daughter comes home with this story of how she met and married her husband.  Are you going to say "oh that's great and terrific.  I'll look forward to meeting him in 2010."?  I don' think so.  Are we quick to judge?  Yes.  Should we be?  Probably not.  Are we giving some good advice?  You betcha!!

[Cassandra]

I would agree with you Kimberley on not being quick to judge. But you said:

One would think that we, given that we are stereotypically judged

This is comparing apples to oranges. We are judged based on preconceived notions. I think everyone here is basing their judgement on criminal statistics. Big difference. As Brenda pointed out.

he has made a life of robbing, deceiving and lying to people.

Some of us may have been less than forthcoming with our spouses but I hardly think his activity could compare.

Just my additional two cents.

Cassie

[AmyNYC]

What gives us the right to judge someone we have NEVER MET, NEVER INTERACTED WITH and hell for that matter basically know NOTHING of.

One would think that we, given that we are stereotypically judged by those who do not understand, would not be so quick to judge based on such little understanding.

I'm all in favor of giving someone a chance and not judging them on their past, but let's have some common sense here.  It's my guess that nobody here was saying drop the guy completely, but just take it a little bit slower.

If I knew someone who was going to move in with a SO they've only dated for a month, that would be crazy.  But to say you're married to someone whom you've never met, when this person is currently serving time for bank robbery... that's just freaking insane!!!

[Kimberly]

...
However, this is a scenario that has been played out WAY too many times.  Criminals taking advantage of women?  Please, it's one of the oldest tricks in the book.
...

If criminals were stamped out with a cookie cutter I would be alarmed, but they are not. Without knowing the motive I cannot see how we can accurately judge.

...
Though none of us can predict the future, the only way to come close is to look at past history.  Odds makers do it all the time in betting.
...

We can assume based on statistics yes, however isn't it prudent not to assume anything?

Sure, be very cautious but you should already be that... regardless of the past of the person you are interested in.

...
By reading the previous posts we can see that he has made a life of robbing, deceiving and lying to people.
...

Robbing yes. Deceiving and lying to people? Probably, by necessity.

Does this mean this person is an mean evil bad voodoo doll? ... Not as I see it, such things are done by others, granted usually "legally" But only because some of them make the laws too. This, of course, does not make it "right", but many things are not. Should I damn someone because they have done something I do not approve of without first understanding why they have done this thing?

...
Let's assume your daughter comes home with this story of how she met and married her husband.  Are you going to say "oh that's great and terrific.  I'll look forward to meeting him in 2010."?  I don' think so.
...

First we have to assume I have children at all. I'd want to know why she has done what she has done. In essence, to check her logic, and I would want to talk to him. Surprise surprise that is exactly what I'd do for anyone else.

...
Are we quick to judge?  Yes.  Should we be?  Probably not.  Are we giving some good advice?  You betcha!!

I have never once said the advice was poor.
I question more the right and wisdom of judgment given the circumstances.


For example to twist the given situation a bit, what do you do when your daughter comes home and announces she is married to a *shudder* 'trans person'... I mean, they are ... eeeew. ... Which, we know is inaccurate (to say the least), but the concept is the same. They judge us without understanding, yet we turn right around and judge others the same. ... I think we should be careful of that.

I would agree with you Kimberley on not being quick to judge. But you said:

This is comparing apples to oranges. We are judged based on preconceived notions. I think everyone here is basing their judgement on criminal statistics. Big difference. As Brenda pointed out.

Some of us may have been less than forthcoming with our spouses but I hardly think his activity could compare.

Just my additional two cents.

Cassie

Apples to oranges perhaps, however I was referring to how people who believe in a binary gender idea judge us who do not fit into such a definition. We are judged without understanding. This seems relevant and a fair comparison to me.

...
I'm all in favor of giving someone a chance and not judging them on their past, but let's have some common sense here.  It's my guess that nobody here was saying drop the guy completely, but just take it a little bit slower.
...

That I can agree with, though I would say a lot slower. However, I think things should progress slowly for any life long commitment. Transition very much included by the by.

...
If I knew someone who was going to move in with a SO they've only dated for a month, that would be crazy.
...

I actually think that happens often enough to not be noteworthy. I am not certain though and undoubtedly it would depend on a few things.

Regardless, in my opinion, it is not that crazy of a thought. What better way to figure out if the person you are interested in is really who you think they are? I do not really like the idea, but I do find it both prudent and practical.

...
But to say you're married to someone whom you've never met,
...

Depends on the culture and the circumstances. Beliefs too for that matter.

...
when this person is currently serving time for bank robbery...
...

We have no idea of the motive. How can one even pretend to understand someone when they don't know why someone did something?

[gina_taylor]

Thanks Kimberly for your heartfelt concern.

I've been corresponding with Tony since February and I've really gotten to know him as he's really gotten to know me, and I'm very happy with him as he is with me. We're looking forward to our anniversary in November. He's told me  that he's going to be sending me a lovely anniversary card and a photo of himself. Things are going really well for us, and he gets out in five years.

Gina

[Sarah Louise]

Five years is a long time, good luck.  At least that does give you plenty of time to get to know him real well.

Will you (or have you) ever visit him at the prision?

Sarah

[Kimberly]

Because he robbed banks in the past we presume to know the person?

I don't know about anyone else, but I do know that I have no clue what kind of a person he is.

This prejudgement - is that not the same as what we go through? Why of all peoples are we so blind to repeat the same stupidity?