Kinda Anticlimactic

[Tamaki]

This week has been really busy. I started voice coaching, had my wig styled at a friends house, saw my therapist, got my third laser treatment done and went out in public for the first time as Hannah.

I have never before stepped out the door in anything feminine much less fully dressed, makeup and wig. The local trans support group put on an event so my wife and I went to it. I live in a small town that is, what's the nice way to put it, ignorant. There was lots of drama and anxiety leading up to walking out the door and then a boring drive, a nice event with lots of wonderful people and a boring drive home. There was a conspicuous lack of anxiety, tension and drama despite the that fact that I don't pass. For a couple days after laser I cannot hide what's left of my beard shadow without resorting to bondo and wet sanding a good primer coat. My only real concern tonight was about my personal safety which I rarely thought about in the past and now there is an awareness that I need to think about what's going on around me.

Now that I feel like I no longer have to hide behind the male facade that I've created most of the anxiety about being out and seen has vanished. Before I would check and double check for hints of nail polish or eyeliner and stress out about it the whole time I was outside. Tonight I had dinner at a restaurant with clear nail polish on and don't care. Now the thoughts are much more is will they just think I'm gay? don't care. Or is it time to come out like this or do I need to wait?

Have any of you found that your anxiety went away or diminished like this? It seems really weird to me.

The absolute highlight of the week was tonight when my wife said "I never thought I'd say this but you look better as Hannah than you ever did as your male self. "

[japple]

Have any of you found that your anxiety went away or diminished like this? It seems really weird to me.

Yes. I make little breakthroughs all the time and am feeling much more comfortable in my skin on a daily basis.

[Cindy]

Hi Hannah

Congratulations woman.

Yes, it's anti-climatic in a wonderful way. I've posted lots of shopping stories including today and very. very little grief ever. BTW take very good care of your wife; while you may be euphoric, she may feel she has lost her husband. And she has

Cindy

[Tamaki]

Thanks Cindy.

I think it's worse than just losing me, it's like losing me in slow motion. Every day another part dies. It seems like every bit of euphoria is tempered with the sadness and anger my wife rightly feels. We take care of each other the best we can. I wish I could do more.

It's a good thing we have a sense of humor and can laugh about things and ourselves.

[MarinaM]

 

I'm happy for you! Please excuse my wordiness. I only hope to connect with you sister 

I have had the exact same experience, well, a long time ago anyway. Now get ready for this (I hope I don't end up imprinting on you!):

Things like nail polish, eyeliner, skirts, heels, and other definitive woman things slowly lose their luster. I can be a total girly girl, and I do enjoy them, but their importance just fades. These things become what they are: just things. It will be a challenge for you to fold these things into your identity (considering you say you don't pass) as you start to look around and realize: not all women wear makeup, not all women wear skirts, some women are mechanics, some women are body builders, some women are field ecologists, etc... I'm not saying you will be able to let go of it all, because even I need some feminine reminders for other people to see, even in boy mode, but things will become... ordinary.

The anti-climax is a critical time in the crystallization of your female identity. For instance: I rarely wear nail polish, I don't even have pierced ears anymore. I cut my hair to a boy's length and my female identity is still intact. I almost feel like I had to be a boy before I could prove to myself I was a woman. This was due to the completely pedestrian experience of female life. What I absolutely will not be able to handle is growing any older and having T destroy me further. I am not happy with the way this male body looks, I still like to go out in a dress because I want the door held open for me, I am growing out my hair now, and I wear the wig because I like the luxurious feel of long hair; and let's face it: purses are awesome.

As for your wife and personal life, may I refer you to Maddie's way of transition?
(In boys clothes all the time): Grow hair, get laser hair removal, work on voice, let hormones percolate,
(And finally in women's clothing) be the woman that you are.

Ask yourself: would I do it this way? Is it so important for me to wear woman's clothing that I would "ruffle everyone's feathers" as I transitioned. Would you view this as a cowardly way of doing this? What does the woman in you say to this less traumatic way of going about transition? I assure you that some compromise won't damage your female identity, and it will help ease others through your transition. It is quite a lot like they are watching the male you "die."

I know it can be exciting, and please enjoy it, love it, live it! But I am slowly coming to realize that RLE is sort of like "doing everything I did before, just in a different gender," and my life is becoming infinitely more enjoyable as a result.

[Tamaki]

Things like nail polish, eyeliner, skirts, heels, and other definitive woman things slowly lose their luster

This has been happening for a long time now. Plus it wasn't the fact that I was wearing nail polish that was the big deal to me, it was that I just I wasn't freaking out about it, I was just being myself. I used to like short skirts and heels back when I was "just" crossdressing. Heels are a pain, nail polish doesn't feel right on my nails, eyeliner is a pain to put on and I won't be bothering with a lot of this stuff the most of the time. However, if I get to where I'm passing, you bet there are going to be special occasions where I will dress to the nines and show off my great legs. To be honest I'm glad these things aren't that important anymore. What really matters to me is that others see me as the woman I am and treat me as such, good or bad.

This was due to the completely pedestrian experience of female life.

I am really looking forward to this. I don't want to think about transition and all of the things I have to do and learn. I just want to get on with my life and not have to hide the fact that I'm a woman. Being a woman may be a pedestrian experience but it's so much better than pretending to be someone I'm not all of the time. It has consumed my life and I'm had a lot of things I still want to do with my life.

some women are field ecologists, etc..

I so want to do this!

I don't even have pierced ears anymore

I just got a second ear lobe piercing done so I can wear a diamond stud in it. Earrings are something that I've always loved and only stopped wearing them because of company policy back when I was working.

(In boys clothes all the time): Grow hair, get laser hair removal, work on voice, let hormones percolate, (And finally in women's clothing) be the woman that you

When I read that I thought it was a great idea. Too bad mine is going in a different order.
In Boy mode: Laser hair removal, hormones, voice, grow hair out.
It's working pretty well since I'm not ruffling many feathers, I'm pretty discreet about it. Well, except for walking out the front door in drag.  Probably thought it was my sister.

Your assessment of transition really rings true to me. The insanity of transition will fade and I be left with my life and all it's problems.

I'm really looking forward to living my life!

[Key]

I'm quite inspired and refreshed by your experience, Hannah.  I'm hoping when I finally tell my parents and all, I can do something like that and not have to deal with any drama and the likes.  I'm surprised, you said you live in a small town, that doesn't raise any more questions than normal?  (When I think small town, I think people are more familiar with you and such.)  Even in my town that's pretty big (the focus of 4 colleges is right within bike distance) i'm more worried people would recognize me still, even in dress. 

And to Marina's comment about how to take transition, that's a fairly good way to go about it, what with dress and all.  It seems like a good way to ease someone into the idea of who you really are, and when you finally start dressing as a woman, they may even be like 'ok, what took you so long?'  (At least, what I said makes sense in my mind, i'm partially foggy from the coffee and caffeine still buzzing in my head.)

And on a last note, yes, yes, yes, the feel of long hair is wonderful!  I hate having to cut my hair, and I didn't appreciate all the comments I used to get from women at the salon about my hair until now.  ((Apparently people would kill to have hair like mine, and I always took it for granted and thought it was a bit thick and unruly in the summer, lol.))  The worst comment I get from the family is "boys don't have long hair, cut it so you can get a job!"  I almost cried when I got it cut in december, it was at my shoulders 

((I think i rambled too much, lol.))

[MarinaM]

I so want to do this!

This is what I do under a biologist that studies bats and ringtails. It's a total blast! You have to worry about ticks, but the hiking and climbing really helps the feminine figure

I'm really looking forward to living my life!

!

I've been going: come out to everyone, voice, grow out hair, hormones, laser. But I started an androgynous wardrobe, and girl it up when I feel the need.


@ Key: Don't you worry about going on and on. You didn't ramble at all. Ain't you ever heard of girl talk? Oh! and you'll have to get past the getting recognized in a dress thing: without extensive surgery you will always look like you, just with all the boy drained right off. You have to embrace yourself, a very hard thing for a trans woman to do at times.

[Key]

@ Key: Don't you worry about going on and on. You didn't ramble at all. Ain't you ever heard of girl talk? Oh! and you'll have to get past the getting recognized in a dress thing: without extensive surgery you will always look like you, just with all the boy drained right off. You have to embrace yourself, a very hard thing for a trans woman to do at times.

I think if the boy was drained off I could embrace myself finally, hehe.  Even without HRT, it's like i'm stuck halfway, life choices as far as eating didn't do too kindly to me, but I look on the upside and think i'll be quite well-endowed once I do start HRT ^^

[Tamaki]

This is what I do under a biologist that studies bats and ringtails. It's a total blast!

Lucky! Bats are ways cool. I should have followed my heart and studied ecology or botany and not physics.

I'm surprised, you said you live in a small town, that doesn't raise any more questions than normal?

The town I live in is sort of a commuter town outside Portland which is where I work (when I'm employed). It feels like I live in Portland and only sleep in my home so I've never really gotten to know anyone here. It's a small town where everyone know everything about everyone. Typical. It scares me but I know of two other trans people that live in the area. I really need to make contact with them.

For your family's information, lots of boys and men have long hair. In a college town they have to be all over the place.

[tekla]

The town I live in is sort of a commuter town outside Portland

Lake No Negroes?

[Tamaki]

No, much smaller, further away and very much poorer.

I have lived in this area my whole life and I have never heard it called that. I'm embarrassed to say that  I had to look it up on Urban Dictionary. We usually called it Lake Zero or Sucker Lake (it's original name).

Sounds like you've spent some time there?

[tekla]

Yeah, I got one kid (with wife and my grandkid) who live in the Pearl district, and my other kid lives in Eugene.  So I'm up there a few times a year, and I have two places I like to stay in Lake Oswego and my kids give me grief for that.