Out with the old.. in with the new..?

[Liam-XXI]

I'm just looking to connect with some transguys.. I'm feeling a little lonely.

My SO has gone to a week long conference, and while she's gone, I've gotta move my stuff over into another room in the house. We've tried our hardest to make this work.. She's exceptionally supportive. She's read like 15 books on TG stuff. She calls me Liam, only uses he.. She's a lesbian. But I'm the only person she's dated aside from her ex-husband. Her and I both know that her identity is equally important as mine is; and that she can't limit herself for comfort's sake, without knowing it's what she really wants.

She's helped me get tonnes of 'equipment' shall we say, and she regrets none of it. I'm out of work at the moment, and she's still 100% supportive. She says she knows I'll pay her back eventually, and she's not too fussy on the particulars.

See, the problem isn't that she can't adjust.. She's successfully adjusted, but now I'm Liam, and Liam wasn't the one she signed up to date. (I'm being harsh, it's not quite so bad.)

And so she wants our friendship back. She wants it to be like we've known each other our whole lives. It already is, really. - That's no problem.

It's just that I've gotta clean up these rooms. I can't sleep in 'our' bed while she's gone, it feels weird for me.. And I just have no motivation to clean the rooms and move the stuff around.. Maybe that will be the finality?

I know what I'm missing is our 'old' relationship, this transitional relationship has been hellish for both of us - she's been vexed for weeks, and I've been frustrated at her consistent grieving.. I'm usually the supportive one; but I'm just emotionally drained... I was probably good up until about 2 weeks ago. We talk more than a lot of people; so we'd have 4-6 hour conversations a night about our feelings, and our relationship, and how she's coping and how I'm feeling.

I know this is necessary, and I know in my heart that I want her more as a best friend than a failed lover, but I think I'm just aching for the familiar, tonight.

Anyone else get this? I'm sorry if it's a little heavy.

[Da Monkey]

That's tough. But at least it sounds like you're both ending on good terms instead of it getting ugly, hurtful and explosive.

I'm in a sort-of similar situation, my girlfriend, although not a lesbian, is moving out in a couple of weeks but 'still wants to work on the relationship'. She says if she stays living with me then we will break up eventually. It's frustrating because lately it seems like everything is normal but she's still going to leave.

But it sounds like you have a lot of good things surrounding a rough situation. Who knows what will happen in the future. Just because it is over now doesn't mean it will be forever. Or, doesn't mean you will want her forever. Maybe take this time to get to know yourself some more too. If you've been with her for as long or before you transitioned then it might be good to spend time with your new self and go out and have some fun.

[Liam-XXI]

That's tough. But at least it sounds like you're both ending on good terms instead of it getting ugly, hurtful and explosive.

I'm in a sort-of similar situation, my girlfriend, although not a lesbian, is moving out in a couple of weeks but 'still wants to work on the relationship'. She says if she stays living with me then we will break up eventually. It's frustrating because lately it seems like everything is normal but she's still going to leave.

But it sounds like you have a lot of good things surrounding a rough situation. Who knows what will happen in the future. Just because it is over now doesn't mean it will be forever. Or, doesn't mean you will want her forever. Maybe take this time to get to know yourself some more too. If you've been with her for as long or before you transitioned then it might be good to spend time with your new self and go out and have some fun.

Hey Jay,

You've got a lot of words of wisdom here; thank you for taking the time to respond.

I can understand you're frustration at things feeling normal but they're still not enough.. I think (if you don't mind me saying..) that your girlfriend might need her own space, maybe to figure out how she feels about everything? Was she with you prior to your transition?

I know, for us, the more frustrating part was that my partner really doesn't know how my transition will affect her.. so, she keeps wanting to stay, but then we get into 'porcupine' mode, we call it. Eventually we both just had to admit that having our own beds might be the best tactic, so we can escape from the stress and sleep, without staying up too late talking/etc.

And the return to friendship is necessary for us, because we know we'll be living together for 4 1/2 more years, so it's the better choice for us to try and hammer out a friendship than strain our relationship past the point of no return..

- Liam

[Da Monkey]

That makes sense. That's also a really long time to live with someone so I can't imagine how that would feel. When did you come out to her?

I came out about two months before I met my girlfriend so we started dating when I was pre-T and pre-op. But it seems funny because now I am 16 months on T and 2 weeks post-op and it's not working so well. Hahah, figures.

If you're still gonna live together and be friends maybe just see what happens as you transition. She might have this idea that you are going to go through so many changes that she feels she will find overwhelming or scary. Even my girlfriend who identifies as heterosexual found my transition to be a bit difficult and strange to her at times. But it might not end up being as bad as she is imagining it. So if you stay close without being lovers who knows what will happen throughout your journey.

[Liam-XXI]

That makes sense. That's also a really long time to live with someone so I can't imagine how that would feel. When did you come out to her?

I came out about two months before I met my girlfriend so we started dating when I was pre-T and pre-op. But it seems funny because now I am 16 months on T and 2 weeks post-op and it's not working so well. Hahah, figures.

If you're still gonna live together and be friends maybe just see what happens as you transition. She might have this idea that you are going to go through so many changes that she feels she will find overwhelming or scary. Even my girlfriend who identifies as heterosexual found my transition to be a bit difficult and strange to her at times. But it might not end up being as bad as she is imagining it. So if you stay close without being lovers who knows what will happen throughout your journey.

I came out to her about 2 months ago, along with the rest of my family, haha. I'd identified as genderqueer for a few years prior, and also when we started dating, but at some point she got overly comfortable with me being 'a girl'.

I'm wondering if the surgery has caused your girlfriend a bit of overwhelmed feelings? Or it could be anything, really. But I do commend her for wanting to continue working on your relationship, even if she's going to live in her own place. Sometimes that can get a bit of a spark going again, y'know? The whole flirting stage?

I think that my partner does have a little of those fears (too much all at once), and so she wavers a lot. I think being close without dating will give us both the stability we need from each other without the strain of 'dating'.

[insideontheoutside]

I think no matter what you'll probably have her friendship and support for life. It seems like the two of you are really close regardless of romantic involvement. The thing is, if she's sure she's going to always identify as lesbian, then being with a man isn't going to float her boat all the way. So you may have to acquiesce to the friendship.

[Liam-XXI]

I think no matter what you'll probably have her friendship and support for life. It seems like the two of you are really close regardless of romantic involvement. The thing is, if she's sure she's going to always identify as lesbian, then being with a man isn't going to float her boat all the way. So you may have to acquiesce to the friendship.

Hello!

I'm pretty sure the friendship is the best way to go, really. If, by some miracle or revelation of hers one day, she tells me that she wants more than that, I would probably say yes in a heartbeat. (Only if I'm not involved with anyone else at that point, of course! I wouldn't expect any revelations any time within the next year or two.)

I just need to make sure that I'm not being selfish, and that I let her have the time to be herself. (And do the same for myself, too.)

[Lee]

I'm sure it still sucks for you that things are coming to this, but it's nice to hear that she is supportive and wants to stay close.