Bad Jokes

amZo · February 08, 2014, 09:22:35 AM

Quote from: dalebert on February 08, 2014, 09:12:52 AM
I've been posting in this thread so long that I can't remember which jokes I've already told and it's way to long to check and see. Oh well. I'm not a Christian but the Christians in the forum will appreciate this one.

A guy is in his house and there's a flood. The waters are rising. He's standing in his doorway watching the level slowly climb up his porch. A hauling truck with huge wheels comes by and offers him a ride to higher ground. "Hurry, before the level rises higher and we can't even move the truck!"

"Carry on. I have said my prayers. I have faith in the Lord."

A little while later, the first floor of his house is flooded and he's standing and looking out from an upstairs window.

A guy in a little motorboat pulls up to his house and offers him a ride.

"Carry on. Save room in your boat for others of lesser faith. I have said my prayers to the Lord."

Finally the man is up on his roof and water is still coming down in buckets. A helicopter comes near and drops a rope ladder. The man waves it on and shouts, "No! I have faith in the Lord!"

They probably couldn't hear him and seemed really confused but they finally leave him.

He finds himself at the heavenly gates in front of St. Peter. He exclaims "Why? Why did this happen to me? My faith was like a rock!"

St. Peter looks confused and says "We heard your prayers and we sent a truck, a boat, and finally a helicopter. How DID you end up here so soon?"

I love that joke. I think it has a lot of wisdom too, I use it with people when they don't see the positive things available to them in their lives. My punch line is slightly different, it goes... "Well heck, we sent you a truck, a boat, and a helicopter... what more did you want??!".

Yours is probably better.

dalebert · February 08, 2014, 09:32:31 AM

Quote from: Nikko on February 08, 2014, 09:22:35 AM
Yours is probably better.

Meh, every time I tell a joke, it changes a little bit.

dalebert · February 08, 2014, 09:53:01 AM

Spongebob is brilliance upon brilliance. I love it when they go to the "beach".

dalebert · February 08, 2014, 08:41:01 PM

A Christian was walking in the woods when all of a sudden, he came upon a big, hungry Grizzly Bear. Well, the Christian didn't have any weapons, and he knew he couldn't outrun the bear, so he dropped to his knees, raised his hands to the sky and said, "God, please convert this bear to a Christian, such that he may show mercy and spare me my life".

All of a sudden, the bear dropped to his knees, raised his hands to the sky and said, "God, thank you for blessing me with this meal!"

dalebert · February 08, 2014, 08:48:04 PM

I heard about this man, he was the only Protestant in a large Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday during Lent, while all of his neighbors were eating cold fish, he would be in his back yard, grilling a steak. They just couldn't stand the temptation so they decided to try to convert him to Catholicism

He finally agreed. The Priest sprinkled water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, but now, you're a Catholic."

The next year, on the first Friday of Lent, the neighbors smelled the same smell in the air. They rushed to his house. He was in the back yard sprinkling water over his steak, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, but now you're a fish."

dalebert · February 08, 2014, 08:48:55 PM

A lady on a plane was reading her Bible. A man next to her asked, "Do you believe all of that?"
"Yes, I do!" she said. "It's the Bible."
"What about the guy in the whale?" said the man.
"You mean Jonah?" said the lady.
"Yes, three days in the belly of a whale! How could anyone survive?"
The lady paused for a moment, then said, "I don't know. I'll ask him when I get to heaven."
The man said sarcastically, "What if he's not in heaven?"
"Then you're gonna have to ask him." she said.

dalebert · February 08, 2014, 08:53:46 PM

A Hindu priest, a rabbi, and a televangelist were traveling together, and when night came they asked a farmer if they could stay with him. The farmer was willing but pointed out that he only had room for two of them to sleep in the house, so the 3rd would have to sleep in the barn. The men agreed and the Hindu priest volunteered to sleep in the barn.

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu priest saying there was a cow in the barn which was a sacred animal to him, so he couldn't sleep there. The rabbi volunteered to go out instead.

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was the rabbi saying there was a pig in the barn so he couldn't sleep there as it wouldn't be kosher. So the televangelist said that he'd go sleep in the barn and off he went.

A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.