Bad Jokes

[Jamie D]

That's not even funny 

[Alexis]

Alexis, I loved your joke. It was hilarious.

I wish I could take credit for it, but I'm not that clever Glad you liked it

A boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought about it for a bit and then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with a couple of sluts."

The father replied, "That's my boy!"

[Kevin Peña]

Well, slut means she's easy. 1 million dollars is not easily obtained nor is it a feeble offer. Still, it was funny.

Here's a joke I actually told.

Alright, for background, I took AP Calculus BC and my teacher gave some problems every day. The first one to finish each could come up to the board to explain it. I finished a problem first and explained it. I, however, LOVE math and science, so I always explain things enthusiastically, except this time my teacher thought I was a bit TOO enthusiastic.

He seriously asked, "Hey *birth name*, are you on something?" The entire class laughed.

I decided that I wanted to get the last joke, so I replied, "Heck yes, I'm high on crystal MATH." Then I snorted the chalkboard. The class laughed harder.

NEXT JOKES\/\/\/\/\/\/

My calculus teacher is awesome, so we always joke around. (So you'll get this, he's bald.)
Here was our exchange. Don't ask how it got here.
Fellow classmate-->Hey Mr. Wise, how much do you make?
Mr. Wise---> I've actually been working as a teacher for a long time, so I actually make over 100 grand per year, with benefits.
Me--> So that's what your wife sees in you. (Class laughs)
Mr. Wise--> At least I got cash and a lady. What do you have? (Class goes "ooooh")
Me--> Um, hair? (Class laughs)
Mr. Wise--> Yeah, but not clean hair. (Class laughs)
Me--> Same goes for your teeth. (Class laughs harder)
Mr. Wise--> And your skin. (Class laughs even harder)
I suppose he won that round...

I pull jokes like this in all of my classes, but never get in trouble.

Moral of the story--> You can get away with a lot if you're nice, helpful, and the school's top student.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

OK.  Are y'all ready?  Here we go.

Two men, a rich man and a working man, are in a pub talking about hunting.

"Have you ever been gorilla hunting?", asks the rich man.
"Can't say I have.", replies the working man.

"Let's go next weekend.", smiles the rich man.
"OK", says the working man. "But do we need any thing?"

"Well.  Yes.  Cages, gorilla calls, specially trained dog and a 22 cal pistol", thinks the rick man.
"Hmmm.  The only thing I have is a 22 cal. Pistol.", the working man says.
"Bring it and we will meet at the airport next Saturday."
"Done", says the working man.

The next Saturday rolls around and they meet at the airport.  The working man sees the rich man standing by a private plane.  He is overseeing the loading of cages, equipment, the dog in its kennel.

"Ready to go?" Asks the rich man.
"Yeah.  I brought the pistol", replies the working man.  "But how is this going to work/"
" Well.  When we get there, we will set up the cages."

"Then I will blow a gorilla call.  When the gorilla answers, I will sneak up on it and hit it in the head with this club.", begins the rich man.  "When the gorilla hits the ground, the dog will run up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it.  I'll jump down and we will pick it up and place it in a cage"
"Sounds easy, but what is the gun for?, asks the working man.

"Don't worry about it", says the rich man. "I will tell you when we need it."

So off they head to Africa.  They arrive and head into the jungle.  There they set up camp.
"Let's get started, shall we?", asks the rick man.
"Yeah", says the working man.

So the rich man  blow a gorilla call.  A small gorilla answers, and the rich man sneaks up the tree and hits it in the head with a club.  The gorilla hits the ground, the dog runs up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it.  The rich man jumps down and they will pick it up and place it in a cage.

"See how easy this is", beams the rich man.
"Yeah!", exclaims the working man.  "But what is the pistol for?"
"Never mind the gun, you will know when to use it.", says the rich man.

"Let's go after another", Says the rich man, and the working man nods in agreement.
So the rich man  blow a gorilla call.  This time a medium gorilla answers, and the rich man sneaks up the tree and hits it in the head with a club.  The gorilla hits the ground, the dog runs up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it.  The rich man jumps down and they will pick it up and place it in a cage.

"This is so easy", says the working man.  "But what is the gun for?"
"Never mind the damn gun", fumes the rich man.  "Now lets get another, before lunch."
The working man smiles, just slightly.

So the rich man  blow a gorilla call.  This time one of largest gorillas in all of Africa answers, and the rich man starts to sneak up the tree to hits it in the head with a club.  But the gorilla spy's the man out of the corner of it's eye.  The great beast grabs the man's arm and tosses him from the tree. As the rich man hits the ground, the dog begins to run. ...



"SHOOT THE DOG! FOR GOD"S SAKE SHOOT THE DOG!!!!!!!!!!"

[Beth Andrea]

That's one hairy leg...

[dalebert]

This joke has become such a habit for me that all many of my close friends groan the moment it pops its ugly head.

Whenever someone says "69", I chime in VERY enthusiastically with "That's my second-favorite sexual position!"

The enthusiasm is very important because you have to inspire them to ask about your favorite, to which I reply "68".

Now you can skip this next part and instead of saying just "68", you can deliver the punchline, but it's not as good if you do. Ideally you should wait for them to ask what 68 is. It's not as easy as the first part. It helps to look everyone in the eyes for a moment like you're waiting and get their curiosity up since they've already "gone there". It helps to know your audience here. Some people WON'T want to know. I suggest doing this only with close friends who you know enjoy this kind of humor. But when they finally ask (probably with a sigh)...

"68-- you do me and I'll owe you one!"

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

That's one hairy leg...

It's from the net.  Not my leg.

[Padma]

It is a net.

[Alexis]

btw, for those who are curious about the real differences between heaven and hell, I have answers...

In Heaven...
the police are British
the chefs are French
the lovers are Italian
the mechanics are German
and everything is run by the Swiss.

In Hell...
the police are German
the chefs are British
the lovers are Swiss
the mechanics are French
and everything is run by the Italians.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

btw, for those who are curious about the real differences between heaven and hell, I have answers...

In Heaven...
the police are British
the chefs are French
the lovers are Italian
the mechanics are German
and everything is run by the Swiss.

In Hell...
the police are German
the chefs are British
the lovers are Swiss
the mechanics are French
and everything is run by the Italians.

But at least the trains run on time. 

[Jamie D]

OK.  Are y'all ready?  Here we go.

Two men, a rich man and a working man, are in a pub talking about hunting.

"Have you ever been gorilla hunting?", asks the rich man.
"Can't say I have.", replies the working man.

"Let's go next weekend.", smiles the rich man.
"OK", says the working man. "But do we need any thing?"

"Well.  Yes.  Cages, gorilla calls, specially trained dog and a 22 cal pistol", thinks the rick man.
"Hmmm.  The only thing I have is a 22 cal. Pistol.", the working man says.
"Bring it and we will meet at the airport next Saturday."
"Done", says the working man.

The next Saturday rolls around and they meet at the airport.  The working man sees the rich man standing by a private plane.  He is overseeing the loading of cages, equipment, the dog in its kennel.

"Ready to go?" Asks the rich man.
"Yeah.  I brought the pistol", replies the working man.  "But how is this going to work/"
" Well.  When we get there, we will set up the cages."

"Then I will blow a gorilla call.  When the gorilla answers, I will sneak up on it and hit it in the head with this club.", begins the rich man.  "When the gorilla hits the ground, the dog will run up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it.  I'll jump down and we will pick it up and place it in a cage"
"Sounds easy, but what is the gun for?, asks the working man.

"Don't worry about it", says the rich man. "I will tell you when we need it."

So off they head to Africa.  They arrive and head into the jungle.  There they set up camp.
"Let's get started, shall we?", asks the rick man.
"Yeah", says the working man.

So the rich man  blow a gorilla call.  A small gorilla answers, and the rich man sneaks up the tree and hits it in the head with a club.  The gorilla hits the ground, the dog runs up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it.  The rich man jumps down and they will pick it up and place it in a cage.

"See how easy this is", beams the rich man.
"Yeah!", exclaims the working man.  "But what is the pistol for?"
"Never mind the gun, you will know when to use it.", says the rich man.

"Let's go after another", Says the rich man, and the working man nods in agreement.
So the rich man  blow a gorilla call.  This time a medium gorilla answers, and the rich man sneaks up the tree and hits it in the head with a club.  The gorilla hits the ground, the dog runs up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it.  The rich man jumps down and they will pick it up and place it in a cage.

"This is so easy", says the working man.  "But what is the gun for?"
"Never mind the damn gun", fumes the rich man.  "Now lets get another, before lunch."
The working man smiles, just slightly.

So the rich man  blow a gorilla call.  This time one of largest gorillas in all of Africa answers, and the rich man starts to sneak up the tree to hits it in the head with a club.  But the gorilla spy's the man out of the corner of it's eye.  The great beast grabs the man's arm and tosses him from the tree. As the rich man hits the ground, the dog begins to run. ...



"SHOOT THE DOG! FOR GOD"S SAKE SHOOT THE DOG!!!!!!!!!!"

I read that, Janet.  Every last word.

"Shoot the dog"?  That's the punchline?  Shoot the damn dog?

Oy vey.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

But did you get it?


Yes and that is why it is a bad joke.

[Kevin Peña]

OK.  Are y'all ready?  Here we go.

Two men, a rich man and a working man, are in a pub talking about hunting.

"Have you ever been gorilla hunting?", asks the rich man.
"Can't say I have.", replies the working man.

"Let's go next weekend.", smiles the rich man.
"OK", says the working man. "But do we need any thing?"

"Well.  Yes.  Cages, gorilla calls, specially trained dog and a 22 cal pistol", thinks the rick man.
"Hmmm.  The only thing I have is a 22 cal. Pistol.", the working man says.
"Bring it and we will meet at the airport next Saturday."
"Done", says the working man.

The next Saturday rolls around and they meet at the airport.  The working man sees the rich man standing by a private plane.  He is overseeing the loading of cages, equipment, the dog in its kennel.

"Ready to go?" Asks the rich man.
"Yeah.  I brought the pistol", replies the working man.  "But how is this going to work/"
" Well.  When we get there, we will set up the cages."

"Then I will blow a gorilla call.  When the gorilla answers, I will sneak up on it and hit it in the head with this club.", begins the rich man.  "When the gorilla hits the ground, the dog will run up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it.  I'll jump down and we will pick it up and place it in a cage"
"Sounds easy, but what is the gun for?, asks the working man.

"Don't worry about it", says the rich man. "I will tell you when we need it."

So off they head to Africa.  They arrive and head into the jungle.  There they set up camp.
"Let's get started, shall we?", asks the rick man.
"Yeah", says the working man.

So the rich man  blow a gorilla call.  A small gorilla answers, and the rich man sneaks up the tree and hits it in the head with a club.  The gorilla hits the ground, the dog runs up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it.  The rich man jumps down and they will pick it up and place it in a cage.

"See how easy this is", beams the rich man.
"Yeah!", exclaims the working man.  "But what is the pistol for?"
"Never mind the gun, you will know when to use it.", says the rich man.

"Let's go after another", Says the rich man, and the working man nods in agreement.
So the rich man  blow a gorilla call.  This time a medium gorilla answers, and the rich man sneaks up the tree and hits it in the head with a club.  The gorilla hits the ground, the dog runs up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it.  The rich man jumps down and they will pick it up and place it in a cage.

"This is so easy", says the working man.  "But what is the gun for?"
"Never mind the damn gun", fumes the rich man.  "Now lets get another, before lunch."
The working man smiles, just slightly.

So the rich man  blow a gorilla call.  This time one of largest gorillas in all of Africa answers, and the rich man starts to sneak up the tree to hits it in the head with a club.  But the gorilla spy's the man out of the corner of it's eye.  The great beast grabs the man's arm and tosses him from the tree. As the rich man hits the ground, the dog begins to run. ...



"SHOOT THE DOG! FOR GOD"S SAKE SHOOT THE DOG!!!!!!!!!!"

Guys will do anything to protect their balls...

[Jamie D]

But did you get it?


Yes and that is why it is a bad joke.

[Your Humble Savant]

I read that, Janet.  Every last word.

"Shoot the dog"?  That's the punchline?  Shoot the damn dog?

Oy vey.

Well put, Jamie.

[Constance]

How many druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Druids screw in stone circles, not light bulbs.

[Jam]

I dont know if someone has put this before...

An Englishman goes to a hotel.

The man asks for a room, the receptionist says 'im sorry but we've only got one room and whoever goes in it keeps dying'.
The man says 'im not afraid!' so he takes the room and goes upstairs. After a while he hears a voice coming from the wardrobe:

'Ill bite off your arms, ill bite off your legs, ill bite off your head and gobble you all up'

in  terror the man  throws himself out of the window and dies.

The next day an Irishman goes to the hotel.

The man asks for a room, the receptionist says 'im sorry but we've only got one room and whoever goes in it keeps dying'.
The man says 'im not afraid!' so he takes the room and goes upstairs. After a while he hears a voice coming from the wardrobe:

'Ill bite off your arms, ill bite off your legs, ill bite off your head and gobble you all up'

again the man is so scared he throws himself out of the window and dies.

The next day a Scottishman goes to the  hotel.

The man asks for a room, the receptionist says 'im sorry but we've only got one room and whoever goes in it keeps dying'.
The man says 'im not afraid!' so he takes the room and goes upstairs. After a while he hears the same voice coming from the wardrobe:

'Ill bite off your arms, ill bite off your legs, ill bite off your head and gobble you all up'

Braver then the others he opens the wardrobe and finds a man sat eating Jelly Babies. 

[Constance]

Why would anyone want to screw in a light bulb anyway?  There's no air and those things are usually pretty limited on space too.

Okay, how about this one.

How many Thelemites does it take to screw in a light bulb? It better be one big light bulb!

[Alexis]

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them

[Padma]

How many transphobes does it take to tile a bathroom? Depends how thinly you slice 'em.