Bad Jokes

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

[Cindy]

Tim hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to the doctor. When the doctor comes in with his test results, he says, "I'm afraid you're dying, and you don't have much time left."

     "Oh, that's terrible!" Tim says. "How long have I got?"

     "Ten," the doctor says sadly.

     "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" says Tim.

     The doctor interrupts, "Nine ..."

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

[JenniL]

where are there not any casinos in africa?

there are too many cheetahs.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
 
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,  "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

And one for the glorious election time:

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before

[Cindy]

Who's there?
Demons.
Demons who?
Demons are a ghoul's best friend!


(I loath Knock Knock jokes BTW, but this was so silly)

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?    A fsh.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why,"they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand  chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[Padma]

(True story...)

I went into an "adventure" store once in London, and while I was nosing around all the cool boytoys in there, I saw on the counter a display for Camouflage Condoms. I asked the guy behind the counter "What on earth is the point of these?" - he grinned and was just about to answer when I twigged it, so we both said in unison "So no-one can see you coming!"

[Constance]

A man runs into his doctor's office shouting, "Doctor help me! I'm a wigwam! No, I'm a teepee! No, I'm a wigwam! No, I'm a teepepp!"

The doctor says, "Just calm down sir. You're just two tents."

[dalebert]

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Man: Doctor Doctor! I think I'm turning into curtains.
Doctor: Pull yourself together man

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog

What is green, has 8 legs and will kill you if it falls from a tree??
A snooker table.

Q. When is a car not a car?
A. When it turns into a driveway

[Cindy]

We had a really tough afternoon. Sad and very hard.

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog

Janet I told people this and it was magic.

It was one of those days when people needed to find a way to smile again.

Thanks Sis

[dalebert]

Ah, doctor jokes.

A guy is in the emergency room after a car accident and the doctor has just set a broken bone and put his arm in a cast.

"Doctor, will I be able to play the piano?"

"Of course."

"That's excellent news! I never could before."

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down." 

[dalebert]

[V M]

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?


Several, one to run about distractingly all around your feet and the rest to watch in curiosity as to what their servant is doing now

[dalebert]

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
A barber.

[dalebert]

[dalebert]

Talk about a crappy vacation...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-20258175