I'm not very good at introductions. I'm a bit shy and private. I'm also still very guarded about things. But, someone requested my to write an introduction, so I'll start typing and see how it goes.
Looking back on my life I know that I've always been female. When real young, during recess when we played outside, I always played in a female role. Later, I began to realize that I was at home and/or felt whole while in those roles. Towards the end of highschool I started wearing female clothing as much as possible, but never attempted to actually pass or be female. But, for some strange reason, whether I just wasnt exposed/educated on TG (I *never* read/saw/heard anything about it) or whether it was just my personality to brush it off / dismiss it as something else, I never came to a realization of exactly who I was... I mean, looking back on it, it's as plain as day. I even had clear thoughts that "I want to be female"...I just dont know why I never understood/comprehended it. Which is my greatest regret in life...
Anyways, since I never realized who I was, I went thru life "very male". Heck, I even joined the military, where I suppressed it even more for years. Then one day, I really dont know how or why, I finally came to that realization and everything became clear. Problem was, I couldnt do anything about it. Well, not full blown at any rate. I'm still not in a position where I can fully come out. And, I'll never be able to fully transition.
I'm married. I have a son. I recently came out to both my mother and my wife. Neither one of them had a problem with it. Heck, they both help me shop for clothing. My wife is the most wonderful person in the world. I love her so deeply. My son as well. And by marrying her, and by having him, I made two promises to be a husband and father. I cant break those promises. Even if it kills me inside... On the bright side, I'd probably never pass and passing would be everything to me if I were to ever decide to pass.
However, I need to do *something*...so, I am seeing a therapist. I am doing HRT (under the supervision of an Endocrinologist). I do minor crossdressing, even though i dont consider it as such...not dressing to pass, but rather .... like wearing women's jeans, shirts, etc, but still going out as a man. I am starting to come out little by little to people i trust. I'm thinking about changing my name to a more ambiguous or unisex name...but that might have to wait a few more years.
There's always the next life...
Astyria.
