I'm not very good at introductions.  I'm a bit shy and private.  I'm also still very guarded about things.  But, someone requested my to write an introduction, so I'll start typing and see how it goes.

Looking back on my life I know that I've always been female.  When real young, during recess when we played outside, I always played in a female role.  Later, I began to realize that I was at home and/or felt whole while in those roles.  Towards the end of highschool I started wearing female clothing as much as possible, but never attempted to actually pass or be female.  But, for some strange reason, whether I just wasnt exposed/educated on TG (I *never* read/saw/heard anything about it) or whether it was just my personality to brush it off / dismiss it as something else, I never came to a realization of exactly who I was...  I mean, looking back on it, it's as plain as day.  I even had clear thoughts that "I want to be female"...I just dont know why I never understood/comprehended it.  Which is my greatest regret in life...

Anyways, since I never realized who I was, I went thru life "very male".  Heck, I even joined the military, where I suppressed it even more for years.  Then one day, I really dont know how or why, I finally came to that realization and everything became clear.  Problem was, I couldnt do anything about it.  Well, not full blown at any rate.  I'm still not in a position where I can fully come out.  And, I'll never be able to fully transition.

I'm married.  I have a son.  I recently came out to both my mother and my wife.  Neither one of them had a problem with it.  Heck, they both help me shop for clothing.  My wife is the most wonderful person in the world.  I love her so deeply.  My son as well.  And by marrying her, and by having him, I made two promises to be a husband and father.  I cant break those promises.  Even if it kills me inside...  On the bright side, I'd probably never pass and passing would be everything to me if I were to ever decide to pass.

However, I need to do *something*...so, I am seeing a therapist.  I am doing HRT (under the supervision of an Endocrinologist).  I do minor crossdressing, even though i dont consider it as such...not dressing to pass, but rather .... like wearing women's jeans, shirts, etc, but still going out as a man.  I am starting to come out little by little to people i trust.  I'm thinking about changing my name to a more ambiguous or unisex name...but that might have to wait a few more years.

There's always the next life...

Astyria.

There you are!

Welcome to Susan's, Astyria!

QuoteI'm a bit shy and private.

...that's me! not the shy part though!


Thank you very much for your introduction.  I'm glad to know you have the support of your mom, your wife, and your son, that is awesome! I am also glad to know that you are seeing a therapist, for I am sure that will help you inmensely.

Wow, it would seem you are doing everything the right way...seeing a therapist, being on HRT under the supervision of an endo....congrats!

Well, as you have already noticed, this a great support site for the transgender community; there is plenty of valuable information in all the forums, so please take your time, relax, get familiar with the site rules and definitely take advantage of all the resources here.   I'm sure I'll be seeing you online on a regular basis.  Enjoy your stay and take care of yourself!

tinkerbell

Quote from: Astyria on January 29, 2007, 09:49:58 PM
I'm not very good at introductions.

Hah! Sure ya are!

QuoteAnd by marrying her, and by having him, I made two promises to be a husband and father.  I cant break those promises.  Even if it kills me inside...  On the bright side, I'd probably never pass and passing would be everything to me if I were to ever decide to pass.

I hear ya. I've felt and said these things too - as have many of us here. It's a *very* difficult situation to find yourself in. If you poke around a bit, you'll find many stories of how it's worked out for others.

QuoteHowever, I need to do *something*...so, I am seeing a therapist.

Good for you. I know some people see therapists as Gatekeepers and whatnot, but ya know... there's something to be said for keeping the issue alive, talking about it, keeping it out in the open for examination. Therapists, good or bad, facilitate that by keeping you to a schedule, a routine of self-examination.

QuoteI am doing HRT (under the supervision of an Endocrinologist).

Do you know how far you wish to go? Do you or your wife have a limit in mind?

QuoteI do minor crossdressing, even though i dont consider it as such...not dressing to pass, but rather .... like wearing women's jeans, shirts, etc, but still going out as a man.

We sound SO alike. That's all I do to. Jeans, sweaters, pants... nothing super-feminine. Just... nice.

QuoteThere's always the next life...

Ah Astyria... there's this life too, full of possibility and magic. You just never know. As my therapist says, "Do the hard work. Trust the process. See where it leads."

Kate

Hi Astyria,
That was a very good intro.
Glad to meet you.
Welcome to Susan's.
Jillieann

Welcome to Susan's Astyria.

Your story is similar to many here so you can be rest assured that you are among friends.  For someone who is a bit shy and private your introduction was great and I look forward to reading your posts.

I think that you will find our members to be caring and considerate from a variety of backgrounds and I'm sure that you will make some friends and acquaintances during your stay.  Participate where you can as that's what makes Susan's such a great place to be.

So relax Astyria, enjoy your stay, you are among friends.

Steph

Hi Astyria,

Welcome to Susan's.  Shy and private?  I think that is rampant here, but certainly not exclusively, and does cover myself.  Thank you for your introduction.  I hope to visit with you often.

Susan Kay

Hi, Astyria!

Thanks so much for posting your intro.  Yes, we share so much in common.  You are among friends here who understand.  We disagree and squabble some over certain issues, but hey, it's all good in the end.  I look forward to hearing more of your journey.

Kristi

Welcome Astyria.  You could be Kate's twin sister.  You don't happen to be tall and skinny do you?

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on January 30, 2007, 03:21:59 PM
Welcome Astyria.  You could be Kate's twin sister.

ROFL, now don't SCARE the poor girl!!!

Yes Astyria, your concerns sound *terribly* familiar. You've basically quoted everything I said during my first few months here. "I can't...," "I won't...," "I could never..."

Yea, well, in the end I could, I would, and I did. But getting from There to Here darn near killed me. The heartache and emotional devastation, not just on me, but *especially* for my wife, has been almost too much to bear.

I suspect the same patterns in you, the searching for a way, a justification... and I truly feel for you. I truly do. Your path is yours of course, unique and fitting for you, and yet... just remember we're out here for you, OK?

TSism has this way of finding a way around any barrier... it just takes time.

Sympathetic hugs,
Kate

I appreciate the warm welcomes.  It does a heart good.

Actually, this is my first time reaching out to the community.  I've always been adverse to doing any groups or meetings or the such for some strange reason.  But, now I'm finally feeling a need to reach out...to come out...little by little.

And, Kate is right.  Part of my personality is to search for a way, a justification...doesnt matter what it is, like shopping for example.  Someone says "no" and it makes me want to find a way to accomplish it even more.  Guess only time will tell.

As far as being Kate's twin... well, we'll have to settle for being twins of the heart and/or mind.  Looking at that picture of her's when she posts, I could never be a physical twin...I'm am very very jealous.  She looks absolutely fabulous.

Thank you to all.  I do appreciate everything so far...

Astyria.

Quote from: Astyria on January 30, 2007, 07:22:34 PM
As far as being Kate's twin... well, we'll have to settle for being twins of the heart and/or mind.  Looking at that picture of her's when she posts, I could never be a physical twin...I'm am very very jealous.

You and me both then - jealous of my avatar that is. She ain't me hon... oh I WISH, but... ah well

Kate

Quote from: Astyria on January 29, 2007, 09:49:58 PM
I'm not very good at introductions.  I'm a bit shy and private.  I'm also still very guarded about things.  But, someone requested my to write an introduction, so I'll start typing and see how it goes...

...And by marrying her, and by having him, I made two promises to be a husband and father.  I cant break those promises.   Even if it kills me inside...   

Welcome, Astyria!

Thnx for your wonderful intro.  You sell yourself short when you insist that you're not good at it.  I hope your visits to Susan's will help you along on your journey.  I have benefitted greatly from mine.

When I married I made a promise before the Deity to stay with my spouse, "for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health," etc.  I didn't really promise to "be a husband."  And maybe being a good husband doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be male?  I mention this because I wonder how good a husband and father you will be if this thing continues to eat away at you and you grow steadily frustrated and angry and depressed.

I trust that you and your therapist will find a way for you to live with yourself, come what may.  In the meantime, I hope you come back often and share with us and allow us to share with you.

again, WELCOME ! !
helen

Welcome from me too, Astyria!

And as others have said, you seem to be very good at introductions.
I also was in the military (just 3 yrs, 10 mos & 3 days!).  Then I was
23, but because of strong paternal disapproval, I had not only sup-
pressed it but deeply repressed it.  So deeply that I had to have a
lightning-bolt experience at the age of 40 for the words to come out
of my mouth, "Part of me is a woman!"  Now at 61, I don't know whether
I have just gradually discovered that my "spot" on the gender continuum
is about 30% of the way from CD to TS;  or whether some day I'll be
feeling more like 40%, etc.

Sometimes I think it was a good thing that I didn't really "know" during
the military years.  Things might have been a lot more difficult than they
were!

Anyway, thanks for telling your story, and all the best to you!

One of your many new sisters & brothers, Sandra