Living Life as transexual

[A]

I may just be missing parts of this story, but this really nice guy appears pretty suspicious to me. Are you sure he can be trusted?

And, well, about your wife... You are the master of your own life, but if you believe this relationship is or will be more than friendship, you must keep in mind that the later it is when your wife learns it, the worst it may be on both of you.

[Cindy]

To be brutally honest that situation is very dangerous. If you can consider going with a man while you are too afraid to tell your wife who you are, well your morals are a bit screwed up. If you have the morals to cheat on your wife like this and don't have the back bone to be truthful then you need to reflect on what is important in your life. Going with this man could lead to entrapment, blackmail etc. Particularly as you are too afraid to be honest. It could also lead to disease that you may pass on to your wife. If you think that your relationship with this guy is going to be purely platonic, well I think you are foolish. He will expect sex, even if you don't.

I would be very cautious. Once you do this there may not be decent alternatives.

JMO
Cindy

[natalies]

thanks for the honest advice Cindy. Even though it does look rosy for now, I am reluctant as cheating my wife would be last thing on my mind. I would not want to be classified as a cheater, because as a girl i would hate that myself.

To be honest with you, sharing this secret with my wife would be the worst thing I could do because she is absolutely biased when it comes to alternate lifestyle and I would be surprised if she kept it to herself. The secret would no longer be between us, but rather everyone that are dear to me. Unfortunately that makes it harder for me. I am really happy for you girls whose wives have been understanding and supportive. It's priceless.

Natalie.

[Karynm8621]

thanks for the honest advice Cindy. Even though it does look rosy for now, I am reluctant as cheating my wife would be last thing on my mind. I would not want to be classified as a cheater, because as a girl i would hate that myself.

This isn't a male or female thing, this is simply about being a good human being. Both men and women cheat and it does so much damage to the innocent people they hurt from it.

To be honest with you, sharing this secret with my wife would be the worst thing I could do because she is absolutely biased when it comes to alternate lifestyle and I would be surprised if she kept it to herself. The secret would no longer be between us, but rather everyone that are dear to me. Unfortunately that makes it harder for me. I am really happy for you girls whose wives have been understanding and supportive. It's priceless.

Natalie.

I totally understand the fear in telling and or losing everything but the bottom line is that it's dishonest to the both of you. It's dishonest to you if you feel you have to change to be happy and to her because you aren't presenting the whole authentic you. You're not giving her the choice of a whole human being. This is where you need to make decisions on what you need from this. If you are trans and plan to change then you need to have a talk with a therapist and your wife.

Coming from a conservative family, they love me for who I am but at the end of the day to them I am a man. As I said earlier, if you are  man, you are a man - that's it. If you think you are a woman - something is wrong with you.

When you Love somebody it should be without condition. It isn't always the case with people but that's the hole in their heart if they have to apply conditions to their love of you.

In this state of mine, i have met a really nice guy who has been asking me to spare just a day with him as a woman. I met him once and he called me "a beautiful girl". I just loved it and he really made me happy. But, now meeting him has become a problem as the guilt has taken over. I feel if i meet him, I am cheating my wife and that again stops me from going forward. He has a place of his own and wants me to spend a day with him (watch movies, go out shopping, eat, and just spend time together).

I just don't know what to do.

You don't put yourself into a bad situation. You don't hurt your spouse by being unfaithful.if this is an option but telling her about how you feel isn't, you're on the wrong path and it will hurt you even worse.

[Cindy]

Sorry but you totally and completely ignore  my suggestions
There are very few of us who have spousal support, Your suggestion that we, who have taken the hard path, find it easy to go this way is incredibly stupid, 
I was going to get angry

I leave the thread


Cindy

[natalies]

Thank you for your support. Yes, there is going to be a time when I have to come out and let my wife know who I actually am. But, before i come out to her, I want to make sure that I really want to transition (i know I do, but i have never actually experienced being out as a woman, and I do not want to commit to something. Later realizing it was only a fantasy nothing else).

I guess many of you have led dual lives before coming out to your family. How did you manage that? How did you experience the feminine side of your life? Did you wear undergarments to work? Did you go out dressed in public? or you just knew that you are a girl and needed the transition?

Natalie.

[natalies]

My apologies to Cindy. I did not refer to her when I was saying that some wives have been supportive. I was just making a comment in general saying that - for those who have had the courage to come out and had supportive wives are really lucky. That's all. I know coming out is the hardest for us all and I am really proud of the girls who have done so. It's really brave of them to fight all the odds and come out as a winner.

Once again, accept my apologies.

Natalie.

[Karynm8621]

My wife knew before I did anything. She watched the bouts of depression and the pessimistic attitude.when I crashed and went in for therapy it wasn't to change, it was to help me learn to live with it. It led to my trying to change and she was involved in those decisions and steps.

To do what you're presenting is dishonest in my opinion if you are considering transition. To " try" starting transition to see if it is what you need and not tell your suppose about it isn't fair to her. You want to play the safe game ahd that leads to doing things further and further without discussing.

Part of transition is being honest with yourself about your feeling AND being honest with the world about who you are. Without that you are not living an authentic life.

If you aren't transitioning and this is about part time cross dressing, you will eventually get caught.

[natalies]

Please don't think I am being unfaithful. Until now, i have tried to keep myself clear purely because I do not want to be dishonest with my wife.
But, the dilemma i have is - when and if I tell her, that is the end! There is no going back or having a second chance. She has caught me one time dressing and it took a lot of convincing to make her believe otherwise. She even told my parents and even they warned me that if this happens again they will disown me.  That was back in July 2010. For a few months I stopped it but the thoughts just came right back and even stronger. I either live with this through out my life or take the other path to being myself.
Is there any way of getting this out of my mind and become a normal man?

Natalie.

[Karynm8621]

Is there any way of getting this out of my mind and become a normal man?

Natalie.

If you are transsexual, no. You can try but generally the feelings get stronger with time. I told my therapist just that, how do I live with it. She told me. Had 3 options

1) suppress it - it isn't working
2) suicide- it isn't EVER an option
3) change and learn to be happy.

I changed, I had too and I'm much happier for it. She told me hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I did and the worst never materialized. People saw a happier me and liked that.

As everyone stressed you need to locate a gender specialized counselor

[Re: Joyce]

But, the dilemma i have is - when and if I tell her, that is the end! There is no going back or having a second chance. She has caught me one time dressing and it took a lot of convincing to make her believe otherwise. She even told my parents and even they warned me that if this happens again they will disown me.  That was back in July 2010.

For a few months I stopped it but the thoughts just came right back and even stronger. I either live with this through out my life or take the other path to being myself.
Is there any way of getting this out of my mind and become a normal man?

Natalie.

     I tried living with it, because there wasn't a treatment plan available in my youth.  I tried every way there was to live with it, to seek any other answer to the terrible anxiety that I felt, that would never go away.

      I lasted many decades, but it was a terrible mistake for me.  Had there been treatment and information available to me back then, I'd have transitioned sooner.

      I had to reach a point where I risked everything I'd ever worked for in my life, including wife and family and many material possessions.  I was close to losing the will to live and my wife didn't know how to cope with me any longer.  I finally said I didn't care if I lost it all, I just couldn't go on any longer this way.

      You REALLY need to find a therapist, online or in person, to help you sort this out in your own life.  This is too important and the results can be too devastating to ignore getting help.

      Those close to you are making choices based on the information they have available to them right now.  They need better information and so do you.

      Think about people who insist others live in pain before they'll love them.  True love has to be unconditional.  If "love" has many conditions on it, then it really isn't love, is it?  It appears they want to possess you, not love you.

      To me, being born trans has turned out to be a gift, for I've found out who truly cares about *Me*.  I know who my friends are now and who really does "love" me.

[Karynm8621]

      To me, being born trans has turned out to be a gift, for I've found out who truly cares about *Me*.  I know who my friends are now and who really does "love" me.

This is a great line. This will let you love the people who love you so much more. It makes you see these people in a new beautiful way and I never stop showing those people how much the mean to me

[juliekins]

Please don't think I am being unfaithful. Until now, i have tried to keep myself clear purely because I do not want to be dishonest with my wife.
But, the dilemma i have is - when and if I tell her, that is the end! There is no going back or having a second chance. She has caught me one time dressing and it took a lot of convincing to make her believe otherwise. She even told my parents and even they warned me that if this happens again they will disown me.  That was back in July 2010. For a few months I stopped it but the thoughts just came right back and even stronger. I either live with this through out my life or take the other path to being myself.
Is there any way of getting this out of my mind and become a normal man?

Natalie.

Natalies, I think you know what's up and what you need to do. Your wife has seen you presenting as a woman. She now knows how you see yourself. Same holds true for your parents. THEY ALREADY KNOW! What she did, by going to your parents, was very wrong. She reneged on your marital vows by going outside of your marriage. She felt entitled to do this because she felt that you reneged on your vows. You broke the rules, so she felt that she could to.

She is protecting what she has as a financially dependent person and feels entitled to do so for herself and the kids. Her fairytale has been compromised. She knows that this is all a facade. You didn't tell the truth to her when you were found out, regretfully. I'm not judging you, since I at one point in my life did the same thing.

Your parents are also being unloving and selfish. They also have what they see as a vested interest in your marriage. They are also trying to "protect" their grandkids. Don't let them all bully you into feeling guilty, and don't let them use the kids as pawns of guilt.

There is a good chance, also, that you see and feel yourself to be a straight woman. If not, at least a bi-sexual woman. How can you ever be happy or fulfilled by trying to play the part of a straight man? BTW, don't get involved with that guy. If he knows you are married, then he's really a creep. Also, like people have said, you are asking for trouble, blackmail or possibly an STD.

I don't know if you're transsexual or transgender. I also don't know what's the best course for your life. What you should know, is that it has already changed your relationship with your wife and parents. They have no right to bully you into acting a certain way, or in being a person that you are not.

I'm speaking to you from my own experience point of view. I bought my wife's and my family's BS for years and years only to realize that I had wasted decades. Through therapy, I came to realize that I was in an abusive and co-dependent relationship. My parents were also in a similar relationship, I later learned. I gathered the courage to leave my wife. It wasn't easy. Thankfully, I have a good relationship with both of my children. One is a late teen, and the other is in her early 20's. I came out to them when they were in Jr. High and HS. As for my parents, my mom won't speak to me and my dad will take my cell calls. So be it. Same goes for my siblings. They selfishly have cut me from their life. I'm happily involved with my life partner now, and haven't looked back. I don't regret fully becoming the person that I needed to be. Sure, I've lost a lot but in the process I gained my life.

Good luck~

[Susan Kay]

I read so much good advice and help for you here - IF you will pay attention and stop looking for valadation for what you want to do, rather then what you know you need to do. To repeat one thread throughout: Get a qualified, MFT with GID knowledge and acceptance. That person can help you get started with a couse of therapy for you. It may involve couple therapy, probably should. Whether or not she participates, you need a therapist. Just do not sell it as a possibility of "curing" you of your cross-gender issues. Do not hold that out as a relief boat for her, your parents or any one else except you. The only help should be for you, everyone else needs their own therapist.

Everyone who has contributed to this post wants to help you; we have all gone through every one of these issues in our own lives in one way or another. We've all tried to negotiate with our own nature; to try to fit ourselves in to some other person's expectations and beliefs. Most of us have found out that delay will not work. It does not matter whether we negotiate forever or immediately take helpful action in our lives; the outcome will be only one three things, as so well listed by Karyn above:
1) suppress it - it isn't working
2) suicide- it isn't EVER an option
3) change and learn to be happy.
Which outcome do you want and need?

Susan Kay

[Sarah B]

Hi Natalie

I have been following your threads and sense you are under a lot of stress.  Other members of Susan's have provided you with some very good advice.  Juliekins has told you what happens if the family does not accept and Karyn has told you what happens if the family does accept.  In both cases it is not what the family thinks.  But more importantly, what are the thoughts and feelings of Juliekins and Karyn when they finally changed.  They are both extremely happy with what they have done.

So it is up to you to decide what you want from life, be a happy person and follow what your heart and mind want or be extremely unhappy.   You mentioned in one of your posts:

Is there any way of getting this out of my mind and become a normal man?

There is No Known Cure and for me my feelings got stronger with time.  Karyn's therapist put all the options you have in front of you, but I have changed the comments.

1) Suppress it.  But be prepared that your feelings will come back a lot more stronger and with the possible consequence of you breaking down.
2) Suicide.  Is Never Ever an option.  It just causes more problems for others, namely your surviving family members.
3) Change and learn to be happy. But you must be prepared to lose everything and have a plan if your family does not accept you.

My feelings became stronger and stronger over time until I finally realised I was a female.  Then one year later I left all my family and friends, not realising that I was giving up everything.  However, my family accepts me unconditionally and I'm grateful for that.

This is what you need to do and others have already expressed and I will say it also.  You need to locate a gender specialised counsellor and you need to concentrate on doing this soon.

Take care and my thoughts are with you.

Warmest regards
Sarah B

[A]

Just a note: There might not be a gender-related problems specialized professional near you. Normal psychologists can do the job or at least refer you to someone who can.

[Randi]

Unfortunately there are no clear cut answers for those of us who try to protect our families from our condition. Find yourself a good therapist and tell them everything truthfully. Only then can you begin to make sense of where to go next.
You are not alone in this-your initial post sounds like some of mine!

Randi

[natalies]

Thank you to all of you. Your support has brought tears in my eyes. I really appreciate it. What I am going through is not easy and I am sure you all have gone through this path at some point in your lives. I really look up to you all and get inspired. I am going to try to find a therapist who I can share my thoughts with..

But, one thing is for sure - the only thing that is holding me back is my family. For a fact, I know the day I come out - I will loose them all. To them, their beliefs come first and then me. And that is all that is holding me back. They have set a lot of things for me and leaving them I feel is a terrible thing. But, yes in my case love is conditional - "I have to be a straight man".

Once again thank you all for the lovely support.

Natalie.

[BunnyBee]

If you are looking for a solution that doesn't include upheaval, pain, and loss, well ...I don't think there is one.  There is no balancing both. There are very few of us that transitioned that didn't lose an incredible lot from doing so, but often people give up much more when they fight to suppress their GID.

Ultimately, you have to do what brings you peace and happiness because, even though changing tack may bring pain to yourself and people you love dearly, so too will everything that will be wrought by staying the course when it isn't the right direction for your life.  Also keep in mind that the pain that transition may cause people in your life is almost always temporary; people either learn to accept you, or they part ways and eventually you become a distant memory.

No easy answers.  There is nothing simple about being born with this condition.  Sorry .

However you can find happiness, fulfillment and hope again if you start listening to your inner voice.  It will tell you where to go.  Just watch for feelings of peace and allow those feelings to guide your choices.  Be willing to accept the changes that come.

[Sarah B]

Hi Natalie

You are more than welcome.  As you said we are here to support you and help you.  However it is up to you to take that first step in the direction you have decided.  Take care of yourself, and if you need more help we are only a keyboard, a personal message or even a phone call away should you need someone.

With all my best wishes and thoughts.

Warmest regards
Sarah B
PS I whole heartedly agree with what Jen says above me.