Living Life as transexual

[Cindy]

Hi again Natalie,
Sorry I got upset

When I first came out to my family I was 13. Mum and Dad did not take it well so I suppressed it and got caught several times wearing my sisters clothes. She didn't mind BTW and helped me dress etc. In the end I could no longer live with my parents and left the UK to come to Australia, with the idea of living as me. Of course fate stepped in an I met a woman. I told her straight away about me and she accepted me. We have been married for 28 years. Sadly she is now disabled and cannot live with me, so I am now living as me just about full time and doing all the right stuff with HRT, laser, etc and finally loving my life. I have friends (finally 'he' never had any). I socialise. I go out with friends, and I'm blessed to have met wonderful friends here. I am out to all the family  and no one has batted an eye lid. My sister in law even said, 'Oh I've known you are woman for years'. Close male friends, I had a few through work, have accepted me completely. To an extent of inviting me to their homes for dinner with their family and friends. They of course treat me as they would any other female friend. There wives have been totally accepting and again treat me  as a female friend. Which is what I am.

The biggest fear in 'coming out' was doing it. I think many of the women here would join me on that. But also as many of the woman have said, in the end there is no choice. You fool no one by living a lie.  As your wife has already seen you as you, isn't there grounds for discussion with her?

Of course the decision is always yours. I have not suffered loss of family, well except for my parents. I know several of the girls have lost their wives and even access to their children. A mean and nasty outcome in my opinion. I have to also reflect that in choosing to live, I have realised  'the big secret' that a number of the girls have alluded to. There is nothing wrong with me. It is not my fault that I was not born with the correct reproductive organs. It is not my fault that I tried to live as a guy, and failed miserably, because I am not a guy. I am a woman. I'm not trans anything (but it is a term that is useful for discussion), I'm not a cross dresser ( and there is nothing wrong with people who are), I am a woman. Once I accepted that life got to be pretty fantastic.

I realise you face very difficult problems. I in no way trivialise them. I just hope some of our comments help you deal with the burden you carry.

Love and Hugs

Cindy

[Sally Martin]

Hi, just a quick remark, nice to read all the good qualified responses in this thread, there's really a lot of good stuff here . this thread has actually helped me thinking through some of my issues, thx.

On Children

What I wanted to say as a 38 year old transgender/transsexual with a six year old son, and issues coming out, is that I feel that I do damage to my son, by not accepting myself and being true to myself.
We often see repression as a sacrifice when it comes to our children, but the most of our children won't thank us for a making a misery out of ourselves. I know it's not that easy and clearcut, but I've done this myself, thinking that this "aspect" of myself is damaging, and that I've been doing my son a favor by repressing it, and it simply isn't true. What I am learning him by my actions is, that it's wrong to be who you are. I'm actually creating more collective misery, spreading like ripples in a pond and....that sucks!
The scenario further down the road is even more bitterness, as you realize that the children won't appreciate your sacrifice, and that you yourself reinforced the system of repression and learned them, to be a "plastic people", by being a prime specimen yourself.
The "sacrifice" will also later haunt you down as a feeling of betraying your true self, and it will become crystallized bitterness in old age
(Sorry if all this sounds a little harsh, I'm going through some heavy thought processes at the moment).
Love
Sally from DK

[rejennyrated]

I will just make five observations in the hope that one or more of them may be helpful. If they aren't just ignore them.

1. You can only be who and what you are. Running away never works because you always take the problem (you) with yourself.

2. You cannot control the way that other people see you, but just because they see you as being X (male) does not mean that it is true from the inside out, or indeed that everyone else will agree.

3. The purpose of medical treatment is not to make you transsexual but to cure you by realigning everything.

4. Children are complex. You cant predict or control how they will react but if you don't seek help there has to be a possibility that you will have a breakdown or do something else silly, and having, lost my father at the age of five I can tell you for sure that a dead father is infinitely worse than having a father who is a bit "different".

5. Finally I do not regard myself as transsexual. I may have some elements of transsexual experience in my past, but in my own eyes I am a surgically created cisgender woman.

[regan]

4. Children are complex. You cant predict or control how they will react but if you don't seek help there has to be a possibility that you will have a breakdown or do something else silly, and having, lost my father at the age of five I can tell you for sure that a dead father is infinitely worse than having a father who is a bit "different".

In my experience, children are alot more open minded then their adult counterparts.  They tend to take things at face value without trying to read too much into it.

[Ann Onymous]

Your question got me thinking, but yes I have answer for you.

Coming from a conservative family, they love me for who I am but at the end of the day to them I am a man. As I said earlier, if you are  man, you are a man - that's it. If you think you are a woman - something is wrong with you.

And if I come up to them and tell them who i am - it's like changing the complete foundation. and I know it will be unacceptable. So, if I choose the path of a woman, I have to be ready to part from everyone.

sounds harsh and rough, but unfortunately that's my reality.

From the standpoint of reality, for the person with a transsexual medical condition, it is NOT about *THINKING* that you are a woman (in this case) but rather that you ARE a woman.  However, the birth error contributed to a societal misalignment. 

I can also wholly relate to the worry of having to basically walk away from family...I was never married and have no kids that entered into the equation, but I was extremely concerned about how the family would react.  I already knew some of their feelings from when the gender stuff first became known to them when I was somewhere around the 8th grade (late '70's-early 80's) and some of the vitriol regarding Pride parades in general didn't help matters...

But...ultimately I did what I had to for MY well-being.  And in the end, while it risks hurting others, you HAVE to do what is best for YOU.

rejennyrated's 3rd and 5th points are especially cogent as well...the medical community does not make one a transsexual.  Rather they help to address a condition that has existed from birth.  Anyone who has read my posts (or the few who I know personally who know my medical background) also know that I describe myself as one who previously sought medical assistance for a transsexual condition.  It is not a label that I use as an adjective nor that I want people using to describe me anywhere else...it does not appear in my resume and it is not used in the 'about me' section of programs where I have conducted CLE segments and it has never been a subject of cross-examination of my qualifications as an expert witness take place in courtrooms.

Reality is not always an easy row to hoe...but reality is also shaped by what you make it.  And trying to avoid a reality can make life infinitely more difficult...

[Karynm8621]

In my experience, children are alot more open minded then their adult counterparts.  They tend to take things at face value without trying to read too much into it.

Children are blank canvases in this sense. They hold the bias of their parents. My nieces were told in a positive way from my Sis in law. They have adjusted to it well and are very loving towards me. They have been brought up to be loving and kind to all people.

Chances are if the parents view it as freakish then the children will as that's the environment they are brought up in.

[Diane Elizabeth]

           I have gone thru most of what you are talking about.  I amnow finding my true self after burying her for 4 decades.  I stayed in a marriage for the kids.  I have been divorced twice (non TG issues, I think).  Now my kids are on there own.  My testerone is down and that may have been the cause of bringing my fem out of me.  I have never accepted myself as a "man".  But I did what I had to do to make my parents happy.  Now my father is gone and mother is in her upper 80's.

           At various points in my life I tried suicide.  I joined the Army to go to war.  I was willing to die for my country (suicide by war).  I tried pills.  I tried cutting my wrists.  I have often wish I would die in an accident .  I found that my demeanor has improved since I got on hormones.  My current spouse knows and thinks its a phase.  She wants nothing to do with my Dr appts or meetings.  She has loaned me her blouse once and jewelry another time.  But that is all she has done.

I am getting better about feeling who I am.  But it is a work in progress. 

I don't recommend the double life.