I did not have a gay lifestyle since I never portrayed myself as gay and never been with anyone prior to transitioning, and still even after, just feelings, nothing more, mostly confusion related to my true inner self, and even now, knowing myself as a woman, I'm still confused as to what my sexuality would be since I have yet to explore it. Never had much interest in being with anyone before transitioning, I was too screwed up with myself to want anyone else. I had a few small crushes during my life, short term attraction towards a few friends, which I tried to keep away from as much as possible just so that I didn't think about them, because I did when in their presence. Two of the stronger ones that I had feeling for just so happened to be guys.
One named Shawn, I when telling my mom about him the few times that we'd talk about different things in the past, described him to her as looking like a combination of the characters Ron Grady (Nightmare on Elm Street 2) and Daniel Larusso (Karate Kid), curly dark hair, slim but not skinny, very tan, came from up from Florida if I recall, I was in 9th grade I think at the time, maybe 10th, can't recall, oh well not important too much, met him when in PE class running laps, he came running up alongside me, introduced himself, was new to the school, needed a friend I guess, why he picked me, a quiet serious loner I dunno, as was I did everything I could to try to avoid or ignore him, but he would always come over my apartment or call asking if I wanted to hang out. All we did mostly was play video games, usually over his apartment (his mom was cool, I liked her, reminded me of my mom), sometimes I'd bring my NES system over, other times we'd play his Turbografx, or later Sega Genesis when he had traded with another kid, it was fun, he was a cool, nice guy.
But see, that's where the problem was, I don't know why, but I had some attraction towards him, not really strong, but it was there, I tried not to, didn't even understand why I had these feeling, but did well in keeping it mostly to the back of my mind and concentrate on what we were doing. One day he and a couple other friends were going to go camping, he asked me to come, I refused even though he really wanted me to come, and for very good reason, I had to get away from him, my feelings weren't right. When I was having trouble with my father, one day I stood up to him, the next I called my mom and pleaded with her to pick me up and let me live with her, she came and got me (and my brother), my dad the next day when we went to pick up all our belongs had already changed all of the locks on the door. Anyway, was living with my mom for a bit, one day outside on the playground, suddenly hear someone calling out to me, it was Shawn, he just so happened to be visiting a friend, or relative in this same apartment complex I was living at then, the next city over from where I used to live, there had to be hundreds of apartment places around, what's the odds of that. Still hurts me to this day how I treated him then, I pretty much acted like he was a stranger, like he was meaningless to me, that we never even had any kind of friendship, this because I wanted to leave my old life, including old friends behind (never even said goodbye to the few good ones that I had, yeah, total bitchy thing to do), as well as those feelings that I had for him. I hurt him bad, I could see it in his eyes, and still do.
Another was when I was working overnights at one of my jobs, this in mid-late 90's, around the time the first Playstation came out. One of my coworkers, very good looking, model-like, name was Billy, had the perfect looking face, beautiful smile (teeth were perfectly white), kept his hair in a ponytail, he was part black, part german if I recall right, interesting mix, made for one good looking guy though. He was well mannered, and seemed so sophisticated, just did not seem to fit in with the overnight retail stocking job. Actually he didn't care much for it, and was thinking of going back to Germany, liked it better there. I remember more than a couple times how some of the other guys overnight would joke behind his back about him possibly being gay, it really upset me, for one because what does it matter, another, how do you know for sure. He knew they didn't like him, and one day he asked me, I told him what they thought of him, he was pissed, but expected as much, and wondered why I put up with them, because they were ->-bleeped-<-s, I wasn't like them, but did have to work with them, so I always kept peace by not joining in anything or quietly accepting it.
What they didn't know is they had it completely wrong, if anyone were to be judged as gay or at least odd, that would have been me, not this perfectly normal guy that just happens to be too handsome, and happen to be a very fashion sensed person, as well as having good manners and respect. One day he asked if I'd want to go to the mall with him, I was reluctant, wasn't much for hanging out, especially in places as crowded as malls. He wanted to get some things for his little girl (yeah, he had a kid, can't remember if only one), I remember watching him talk to some of the sales representives, just so smoothly, I wondered, how can one be so easily comfortable with talking to be able to just have conversations about anything with a total stranger, made me feel way out of place, here I'm tagging along and barely saying a word, they probably thought we were a gay couple. One time when he drove me home from work so that my mom didn't have to come out of her way, he tried to get me to drive his car, around in my apartment complex parking lot, funny looking back on that memory, I held the steering wheel like I did a game controller, with my fingertips, first and only time I ever sat in a driver seat of a car and actually drove, was always too scared to try again. What I enjoyed most, all of our battles with Battle Arena Toushinden on the Playstation kiosk at our store, those were good times, but then when I got a PS for Christmas, and got that game I invited him over a few times, we were finally able to choose more fighters, even more fun, but also this is when I realized, oh crap, I got feelings for this wonderful man. thankfully I didn't see him anymore, he had quit that job, I think soon after moved back to Germany.
Those were two of the bigger crushes I had in my life, not really anything else noteworthy. I did one time have a slight crush on a girl when in 9th grade, actually made me do some silly things such as trying to write a poem though was stopped short on that by my sister and brother's laughter I remember, but found out also one day that she had a boyfriend, I didn't like that too much, I actually got a little jealous, but then I just shrugged it off moments later, she wasn't for me anyway. I suppose if or when I finally open up to the idea of me having sex I could probably be either/or, impossible to know now, little bit of attraction towards both women and men, sometimes because of their looks, don't even have to be perfect, sometimes the flaws attract me, or because they have such appealing personalities that I can't help but be drawn towards them. I do have a strong attraction towards women though I think its more about their bodies, just the way they look, every curve, the beauty, can't help it, love the boobs, as well as a nice curving rear end, but see I think that's as far as it goes, maybe its just a longing to be like that, to have it all, because while I was on hormones I had almost little interest in women, afterall I felt more like one myself. But still, I think I long for myself one day being with a guy, someone nice, someone that will see me as a woman and love me, to embrace me, kiss me (I've never been kissed, isn't that a shame?), someone stronger than myself for sure, though gentle with me, I want to feel protected, I long for the fairytale that many young girls dream of. But I don't dwell on it, but it always remains there deep within, the yearning for something more, a companion that I can share my life with, someone to grow old with, to share all my intimate feelings with and it be okay. One day, but I'm still not ready yet.
