greetings

[flower power]

Hi all;

i'm just realizing this is one danged hard email to write. where to begin and how open should i be? i'm 32 yrs old and finally realized a few years ago (dispite all the signals) that i was a tg. i'm not even sure that's the right term for me. i'm not a woman trapped in a man's body, i'm a man who simply wishes to be a woman.

it began for me back in the puberty days when i realized how exciting it could be to get a haircut or "accidentally" get make up on me, etc. In college i discovered the joy of shaved legs and painted toenails. it wasn't until recently that  i finally got to full-blown makeovers with makeup, wigs and dresses. i envy girls so much. their beauty, softness, wardrobes, choice of accessories. it's so much more fun than being a guy with the same hair, same jeans and t-shirt year after year. simply put, being a girl is fun.

I've never told anyone in the world about this, you all are the first. i don't know if it is wise for me to post here or what will come of it. but here i am. hopefully i can find some friendly people i can talk to without having to destroy my life. anyway that's it.

flower

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Flower

Welcome to Susan's.  You have definitely come to the right place.  I think that you will find that we are all pretty friendly here and more than willing to help and advise when we can.  There is lots of information here to browse through in the Wiki, and the Library, so dig in there and have a look.  Be sure to read the rules, and be sure to join in the forums and issues that are discussed.  New ideas and viewpoints are always welcome and refreshing.  So relax, enjoy your stay, you're among friends.

Chat later

Steph

[Cassandra]

Hi Flower,

Welcome to Susan's. Steph has already filled you in on the basics so I'll get right to it.

i'm not a woman trapped in a man's body

This say's a lot to me about were you are And I really think the first thing you need to do is get a therapist. This is the first step all of us undergo right after coming to grips with who we really are and wanting to do something about it. For others therapy is the path to discovering who and what we really are. You will find, in the posts here, that being a woman does not necessarily involve all of the external trappings.

Being a woman is something you are. There is no middle ground, you either are or you are not. Wanting to change into a woman when you are not is a very bad idea. TS's as a rule are women trapped in mens bodies for MtF's and women trapped in mens bodies FtM. If you are neither of these you are more likely CD/TV. You will find there is quite a spectrum and I'm sure with therapy and participation in these forums you will find your comfort zone and what will make you happy.

So as I always like to say: Fix yourself a cup of tea or other relaxing beverage, sit down, take your shoes off and set a spell.

Good Journey,


Cassie

P.S. To protect yourself from prying eyes be sure to delete your history and cookie files from your computer. Unless you want someone finding out.

[Shelley]

Hi Flower,

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I don't feel like a woman trapped in a mans body either. More like dual occupancy. I like to let Shelley have the run of the place every now and again but I'm also happy with my day to day life as a father, husband and my interaction with the world.

Having said that Shelley is no less real. I cannot ignore Shelley as she is very much a part of my life and supressing her would make me very unhappy.

I've also always been jealous of the variety of clothes that women have to choose from and the fact that they wear that lovely makeup and don't start me on the shoes. Lets face its not just the fun of wearing them you can't go past shopping for them.

My feelings and reaction to things are often more closely aligned to those the women I know. I find myself more at ease chatting with women and find most men to be pretty borish. I describe myself as CD and have been that way for nearly fourty years.

I have thought of coming out and living fulltime at various times in my life especially between my first wife and my second wife but realise that's not for me. I neither want to live fulltime male or female but would prefer to live on the fence between the two. I would like to have more time as Shelley but my wife is less understanding than some of the wives here. She does now know about me and still loves me and for that I am very greatful for my love for her has no bounds.

Steph and Cassie are right this is the place to be and you will find a lot of help and information here. You will also find a variety of people accross the TG spectrum and throught the sharing of experiences we are able to figure out where we are comfortable. I believe this can be the case for you also. So don't be shy join in and experience a journey ofselfdiscovery with us.

Good Luck Shelley

[flower power]

thanks steph, cassie and shelly.

i must admit being told i need to see a therapist was a bit shocking. i felt rather defensive as i first read it, but now i see it as friendly, sage advice. unfortunately i don't think it could ever become a reality. i don't think i could get to a therapist w/o my significant other knowing about it. also, to me, the idea of seeing a therapist implies that i am sick or broken and need to be fixed.

thanks for the clarification on the terminology. i agree that i'm a cd. i know i'm not meant for surgery or hrt, but i still love the fantasy of being a woman. is that what you meant cassi when you said wanting to change into a woman when you are not is a bad idea?

thank you shelly for writing what i feel. i've read other posts by you and know what you've recently gone through. you have my deepest sympathy. if there's ever anything i could do for you let me know.

is it stupid to think that i can keep living two lives forever? i imagine at some point i will be caught by my wife, but until then i don't want to poke that hornet's nest. i have a great life and wouldn't want to upset the delicate balance we all live in. i hope you all don't think me a coward for that.

flower

[Shelley]

i have a great life and wouldn't want to upset the delicate balance we all live in.

Some here would say that you owe it to your wife to tell her but I do understand what you are saying about delicate balance. I can tell you it is pretty awful if they find out by accident. I am now almost where I was before she found out as she does not want to be part that part of my life but at least she knows about Shelley. It is not always that way. Some can't handle it at all and leave some are very accepting.

is it stupid to think that i can keep living two lives forever?

If you are truly CD I think you will find that that is exactly how it will be. I have tried to deny Shelley at various times in the past and Shelley always somewhere down the track pops her head up.

As to your offer, thankyou, that is one of the things I love about Susans, there is always someone ready to extend a hand in support. I think you will fit right in here Flower.

Hugs Shelley

[Cassandra]

Yes Flower, that is what I meant.

I am TS and for me I am and always have been a woman. The physical changes I am going through are simply an extension or affirmation of that fact. Making the outside fit the inside.

For you it is a matter of ( and I hate to use the term because it is really not accurate) playing the part. At the end of the day so to speak you will return to being the man you are. Happier for letting your feminine side get out and shine, but you will still be a man. For me even if I were dressed as a man (Which would be crossdressing for me) I would still be a woman. Once I transition fully my body will also be irreversibly female. And if you are not the woman trapped in a mans body and transitioned, then you would be a man trapped in a womans body.

I hope I haven't confused you here but I'm trying to put a lot in a little. You'll understand better as you spend more time here. Watch out for that wife thing. Finding out before you are ready to tell her really bites, as Shelley has already mentioned.

Good Journey,

Cassie

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Flower.

i must admit being told i need to see a therapist was a bit shocking.

Firstly, you don't "need" to see a therapist,  but you could or should consider therapy if you are unsure of who or what you are, or you need help coping with the issues that surround this.  For those who are TS then it is very advisable and often mandatory if a TS wants to go forward all the way with HRT and GRS.  I my self am TS and see a therapist for my own peace of mind, I know that I am a woman, but therapy is a safety net for me where I can discuss my feelings and thoughts, and in return get some advice and guidance.

is it stupid to think that i can keep living two lives forever? i imagine at some point i will be caught by my wife, but until then i don't want to poke that hornet's nest. i have a great life and wouldn't want to upset the delicate balance we all live in. i hope you all don't think me a coward for that.

Secondly, don't be so negative .  You are "not" stupid, and your thoughts are not stupid.  You may be a little misguided, miss informed, and naive, but not stupid.  Also don't imagine that you will be caught, there is no doubt that you will be caught, and the consequences could be devastating.  Shelly outlined this point very well and can attest to it with the close call that she had.

Thirdly, why on earth would any of us think that you are a coward for wanting to preserve the great life you have.  It will take great courage for you to go forward with this.  just remember that   going forward without a plan, a lot of thought, would be foolhardy to say the least.  You will probably be able to continue with the present situation until you sort this out, but you will also find  that it will be harder and harder to maintain the status quo, and when that happens the risk of getting caught will also increase.

Just my thoughts, I hope that you are not being overwhelmed by this it is a lot to digest.

Take care,

Steph

[Cassandra]

Hi Flower,

Steph, is quite right.

you could or should consider therapy

Need, was a bad choice of words. And as far as the other things Steph pointed out, it is quite true no one can keep a secret forever. To cover a secret involves lies and lies compound upon themselves until the secret is revealed. Watergate ring a bell? You need to consider if you choose to continue that at some point you must tell your wife or she will find out on her own.

You need to be able to tell her on your own terms. You will have to decide when that time is but it will have to be before she finds out on her own. It's not a matter of if but when.

Good Journey,

Cassie

[Chaunte]

Flower,

Welcome to Susan's!

This site is filled with wonderful people who are walking the same journey; the journey of self discovery.  There are brothers and sisters here who will laugh with you; cry with you; and hold your hand during the hard times.

I can appreciate how difficult posting here at Susan's was for you.  It was for me as well.  It's difficult to admit that you feel somehow "different" in a world that demands conformity.  That took courage, and I congratulate you for having that courage.

You are not alone.  We simply march to the beat of a different drummer.  I hope we hear from you often.  Godspeed you on your journey of discovery.

Peace,

Chaunte

[Debtv]

Hi Flower Power,

I am a cd/tv and I know just where you are. I too am a heterosexual, as I was married for 17 yrs. I told my ex 10 yrs into it and she hated it about me...and we raised our kids then went our seperate ways. For me, I found my tg desires grew with my age.

I'm 48 now and have grown alot since I was 32....I know live %80 enfemme and am out to everyone I know. I live with a lovely 24 yr old woman (been together 7 yrs) who is into my tvness.

We all have our own paths.....and I am glad you have found susans....because I bet your tg desires will grow with your age too.

BTW.....great advise to read some of the old post in crossdress forum....gads of cd/tv info and problem solving.

Hope to read your interactions with us!
Love
DebTV

[flower power]

thankyou all for your considerate responses. it feels so good to finally have people to talk to about this stuff. i've seen some of the other posts mentioning how nice it would be to have big sister mentors to help along the way, and i fully share that sentiment. i think it would also be nice to have other relatively newcomers around who are fumbling and stumbling through this just as i.

it wouldn't surprise me if my SO had suspicions about me being a cd, but i saw what happened to shelly when she made that assumption. i don't know if i could ever come out and tell her. that's something for the future....way in the future. for now, i think i'll just be happy knowing i'm not alone, and knowing there's no shame in being ME.

i have one logistical question. i can't upload one of my own pictures. is there a trick i'm missing? the default one i chose is close to what i am looking for, but it doesn't exactly feel like me.

thanks

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Flower

You have to complete 5 acceptable posts in accordance with the rules, then you will be able to upload pictures, and an avatar.  Check out this post.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,96.0.html

Chat later

Steph