I really would have liked to have posted this hours ago but I couldn't get enough peace and quiet to gather my thoughts. That which is posted in the middle of the night often goes unnoticed.
Oh well.
A lot of this is venting so if you are not up for that, you know, you were warned.
Today was about the most emotional day I've had this year. Those of you who have been following my stumbling efforts to pick myself up are aware I was angling towards taking an RN program which would have theoretically had me well set to make a decent living in two years.
Here's how that was supposed to work:
I already had several of the required courses
Admission to the nursing program is competitive but they told me clearing 30 points is pretty much a lock for entry and I had 40.
However, there are pre-requisite courses: specifically A&P 1&2.
Those are scheduled for the summer tern and can be taken on-line. The cost of those course, along with the book and fees, runs something close to $1200 - which I don't have.
But if I could pull that off, I can pay for the RN program and all associated required costs through Workforce Investment Act money (I've exhausted my grants and I have loans in forbearance so there was no more money available that way)
So, through circumstances I can't discuss, (relating to another board and the people there) the cost of the pre-reqs was potentially covered pending everything else lining up.
So - all well and good, submit application, await notice.
Of course, I'd still need to peruse the chance to work in the mean time but there are jobs (Wal Mart and so forth) where you can easily work around a (relatively light) course schedule and those pursuits were and are ongoing.
Meanwhile - the wife is finishing up her Work-keys tests (sort of a parallel test to the ACT designed to get you into vocational courses) and had plans to take CNA classes in August (she's not crazy about being a CNA but it's a road to employment for a person with no work history) I'm still not sure she's stable enough to hold a job but she's a lot better than she was for most of our marriage in terms of emotional stability - and yes I know my horror stories don't sound like it. But before I came out she was pretty well balanced for more than 2 years. The rages now are specifically about me - before she got treatment they were random.
Anyway, for most of her life she had zero self confidence or belief she could do anything and now at least she has some sort of goal.
Now here's where things go to hell.
Somehow she convinced herself that it was "her turn" - I already had my college degree (however useless) and this was her time and I ought not be doing anything to get in the way. Nevermind that nothing about what I was doing in any way conflicted with hers. Nevermind she'd be done with her classes in 10 weeks and working while I had to go through 4 semesters (not counting the pr's) - nope. clearly I simply couldn't stand to see her succeed (no one has pumped her up more than me, few have done so even a little) and was trying to step all over her goals.
Even worse, being an RN was better than being a CNA so I was trying to one-up her goal - nevermind that she doesn't much like what a CNA does and was only doing it because there were no better choices. Never mind that I am not nuts about being an RN but am similarly motivated.
So every time I did anything to line up my classes - s***storm.
Anyway - so the notice that registration was accepted was supposed to be put out in early May. by the middle of the month I'm thinking "where's my package?" so I call the CC and they tell me that the Nursing school won't officially set their class until the 21st and i kind of assume that's the hold up. Even though I know that's two separate thing (i.e. I'm a moron)
So the 24th comes and I've not seen so much as an e-mail and I decide to call them - s***storm. Today while she's gone with her friend, I do call and I find out that yes, they sent a letter on the 9th - did you not get it?
(I can't prove it but the likelihood is 99.44% that she trashed it without me seeing it)
No I didn't get the letter.
"Oh, well the registration is fine, but for the online classes - which start June 1, the deadline to have the course paid for is tomorrow."
"WHAT?"
she walks me through how to register for the specific class on the website (after giving me my number and e-mail that I should have gotten in the absent letter) and the class is closed.
Great.
That actually worked out ok as I called the proper person and she put me in the class. She also said the system would kick me out if the class wasn't paid for by Tuesday noon, but if I could persuade the B.O. to accept a payment after tomorrow, she could re-list me there through Thursday.
The problem is the B.O. wants at least $100 (totally impossible) to hold the spot.
the last remaining possibility is if my - I'll call them my "sponsor" to choose a very generic term - arranges the money before Thursday and the B.O. decides not to decline the fistful of money staring them in the face over a technicality. of course, if I were paranoid I could imagine it being a very convenient excuse to dismiss this weirdo standing here in make-up.
Still, the whole thing is a crock.
to top it all of, there's a reasonable possibility that there won't be any more WIA money next year. (assuming I had to wait for 2012 to enroll in Nursing School)
I've got a saboteur (that I can't prove is a saboteur) undermining me (there's other stuff too, like jewelery or clothing that disappears - I wouldn't be shocked if there had been leads to job interviews that i never found out about) who'd rather I not succeed at all if it's as a female; I've got a strong need to get her independent lest her stubbornness leave my kids homeless, I've got no job or prospect of same, and I've got an overwhelming feeling that EVERYTHING I touch I screw up. (I've really had to censor myself here because I feel like putting profanity in every paragraph!)
How smart does one have to be to know if you haven't heard from them with less than a week to go to opening day something is probably amiss?
Then I get to looking back at how VERY many poor choices or simple episodes of ignorance there are in my past.
For instance - I more or less gave up on the teaching job in 2008 when I knew for a fact this transition was coming. Why couldn't I have been moderately smart enough to look into these classes then, or in any year since? I could have been done by now.
I could write a book. except of course people might pay for a book and therefore it's clearly something I'd f-...screw up.
Heck, I am writing one - so to speak. if you can call producing maybe five pages a week "writing". There's no excuse to have as much time on my hands as I do and write so little (well, there's the blog and stuff but I mean steady-pay writing). Except of course that it's me doing it so of course I'm doing it wrong.
I've not, in the past, been an even normally emotional person. I'm kinda cold actually.
I've found an angle to get hormones for a while (spent a little of my tax return on anti-andros and I won't talk about the E in public) and I can't tell that it's made that much difference yet day-to-day (and if I don't get a job the AA's will run out in a couple of months anyway) I don't talk much about this and have stayed out of must relevant conversations (as far as input) since I know I'm not doing it the "right" way.
But anyway, E at work or not, I shed more tears this morning than surely the last 3 or 4 years combined - times 100.
It's so maddeningly frustrating to simply NEVER get ANY thing right.
I say the other day and feel it now 10 times as much as then. if you gave me a big red button which, if mashed, would re-set the timeline so that I had never existed in any form, I would slap the holy hell out of that ->-bleeped-<-er.
Suicide is complicated, messy, and has it's own set of problems. Non-existence I'd take in a heartbeat right now.
