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What held up your self-acceptance?

Started by JulyaOrina, June 03, 2011, 09:36:40 PM

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JungianZoe

I fooled myself for many years believing that every person in the entire world wanted to change their sex, and only abnormal people couldn't control it and had surgeries.  In fact, I pushed the subject out of my mind so efficiently that I didn't learn otherwise until I was 31, after which point I learned what it really meant to be transsexual.  It took a few more months to decide that transition was what I wanted and I never looked back. :)
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Cen

In middle school one of the PE coaches taught the boys' Health section while another taught the girls.  He went on about TGs being mentally ill and mutilating their genitals, and that they could never be anything but their birth sex.  It has always kind of made me feel like I'm crazy, like he is right.

Now?  I've accepted what I am for a long time, crazy or not.  I don't know that I have the desperation or courage necessary to do anything about it.  Nothing has been sufficient thus far, anyway...
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Chrissy

1.  Lack of confidence to tell my parents
2.  Parental pressure to be more of a man
3.  Lack of knowledge on the subject
4.  Losing wife/family/freinds/job
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pebbles

1: Jerry springer and his representation of transsexuals made me think. "No I'm not that I'm somthing very different"
2: I wasn't the perfect idealization of the trans story ie hyper girly kid.
3: Fear that I'd left it too late I'd never pass never be accepted by anyone and die alone.
4: Absent father who I dispised at the time. I thought I might just have these feelings to differentiate myself from him.
5: That I was just shy, I was using transition as an excuse rather than facing my problems.
6: I hated myself in general and thus lacked confidence that I could get out of my situation it was eaiser to just hurt myself.
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JulieC.

For me I would have to change this to two categories.  I don't think I had much of a problem accepting myself.  I've left the thoughts of guilt, shame and that there was something wrong with me a long time ago.  Now for the second part.  I haven't had the courage to do anything about it.  That is mostly due to fear.  Fear of losing people that are important to me.  It's a bit of a paradox...I don't think there should anything wrong with living my life as a woman but I'm still afraid to present it to the rest of the world.  I don't know if I'll ever get past this. 



"Happiness is not something ready made.  It comes from your own actions" - Dalai Lama
"It always seem impossible until it's done." - Nelson Mandela
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gandaberunda

Quote from: Sephirah on June 08, 2011, 10:24:29 PM
Fear of being wrong, followed by fear of being right.

This totally hits where I am at now.

I'd like to add that I redirected my frustration into other things so that I never really had to confront what was so obvious.  I kept chasing after bigger and bigger dreams, keeping myself running forward without a chance to really stop and look and listen. But whenever I did stop, this feeling was always there, though I couldn't really define it or express it.

Now, I am afraid that I know exactly what I want... that I have always known.
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Lee

Oh I'm a lucky man to count on both hands the ones I love

A blah blog
http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,365.0.html
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Kristin

Quote from: gandaberunda on June 11, 2011, 12:09:54 AM
This totally hits where I am at now.

Me, too. I'm deeply in the closet. Part of that is not being completely sure who I am yet (or maybe it's that fear of being right that's stopping me). And there are the other fears, around job and family and friends and everything else.

Right now, I'm scared that I'll never find a way to be ME that feels worth the cost. And my timing is completely lousy for my wife and I. Sigh.

What. Fun.
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bojangles

Lack of knowledge, lack of money, lack of confidence.

Today, all of this is different. The knowledge came (thanks in large part to Chaz), the money for top surgery showed up unexpectedly, confidence is boosted (especially by the hard things we have to do on this road), and I have finally got to a place in life where the only thing that makes sense is to be true to myself and trust my Creator.
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Tara L

In the end like of all you, never been more inner and outer comfortable, happy, fullfilled. But before that a different story than posted here. I've learned that I'm real good at compartmentalization, so over the years since teenage with a very active traveling life, times I was he and times she hidden from the he world, didn't really think about it or stress about it at least top of mind. Surley was an underlying biggie. Long story short went through some PTSD issues which brought up some deeper and long standing genetic disorders which ended up in a protracted breakdown. Lost most all, got myself help as no one else would and got restarted with professional help. Then one day, outside of therapy, real clearly I remember date and time, realized who I am. Now I can look back and see what I couldn't before. Nothing holds Tara back now!
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Katelyn

1. fear of losing my parents and thus I'd be alone in life
2. fear of being an outcast of society
3. sexist thoughts against women promoted by my ego and my mom
4. My ego's grandoise desires and to use masculine personas as a tool
5. Disappointment in the lack of support in the TG community (in Los Angeles)
6. "How can I be female if I feel very masculine occassionally?"
7. Fear of not being able to be accepted by genetic women in general (given not only my ability to pass, but that I don't like/date guys and I don't think about having a family.)
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heatherrose



A few years after I told my Mom that I wished I had been born a girl,
She told me that, in no uncertain terms, if I continued along this path,
she would give up on me and concentrate her efforts on raising her other three children.

This was one of a few Phil Donahue shows, dealing with "transgender" issues
which aired during the time when my gender dysphoria started to become a major issue.
Gender Dysphoria, puberty, fear of my mom "giving up on me" and fear of being ridiculed or worse.
.... a simply euphoric mind blend.



5:19 "line them all up and get rid of them"

"I have always wanted to have a neighbor just like you,
I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you.

So let's make the most of this beautiful day,
Since we're together, we might as well say,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my neighbor?" - Fred Rogers
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Donnie B.

My first reason probably seems incredibly silly, but it set me back to months of horrific shame when I heard some virulent things from friends about how "Only fake FTMs like anime". Learning about my potential mental oddity also set me back because I thought that I was just a freak who couldn't think for himself. Then came the "if I transitioned, I might not make it in a guy's world because I'm too (insert personality trait here)".

The main one now is about how my family would handle it if I transitioned, since they never wanted a son but absolutely wanted a daughter. Plus, job fears and such.

...yeah, I worry a lot.
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Battle_On

For me lack of knowledge played a part for many years. I didn't know the LGBT community existed until I was in highschool, I was extremely sheltered by my parents. I don't even think the LGBT community was ever even mentioned in any type of serious manner until after I had joined my college's GSA. So all the many times I wished I was a boy I would just put it off as my being weird. Or when despite what I did something about the person looking back at me in the mirror felt wrong, I buried the thoughts. By the time I had the light bulb turn on and I figured out who I truly am, I was at the point where I was ready to accept something.

For years I never thought I'd see my 20th birthday. I knew something was wrong, but with my extremely limited knowledge of anything outside of the small town I grew up in, I just couldn't figure out what it was. And then I knew, turns out theres nothing wrong with me, so I embraced the knowledge with all of me. I waivered for the first few months, because it was stepping into the unknown, but by the time I had my first therapy appointment I was ready. The hardest part was telling all of this to a stranger.

A part of me does fear when the time comes to step away from my family and I fear not finding a person who can accept and love me for who I am and even not being able to find work/keep it, but it doesn't stop my acceptance of myself.

I can't wait to turn 20 this October  :)
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bojangles

QuoteI think it was also partly that I had absolutely convinced myself that I could learn to live as female and that I would get over all my issues with my body and sex and how I felt.

Yeah, that  too. Convinced myself I had to learn to live with it. Was taught to accept the things I cannot change, and that seemed to be one of them.
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kelleystorm

Definitely lack of knowledge.  It's not like it wasn't all out there.  I just didn't have the right words to search for it.  On National Coming Out Day last year, I finally found all the right search terms, and boom! Here I am.

But yeah, I still have strong fears of being rejected by my wife(she's already said that she cannot be in a lesbian relationship).  Strong fears of losing my family.  They are religious.  It's kind of funny because my sis is a lesbian, and to my knowledge, she hasn't yet discussed it with my parents.

Strong fears of not having a strong source of income, fears of becoming homeless.  I guess it's a lot of fear of life.  Which sucks.

But I have accepted my trans status.  I just don't know what I am going to do about it.
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Kendall

I learned early in life to ignore my feelings for the most part and focus on surviving. I focused on others' feelings and expectations and as someone else said "compartmentalized' like crazy. I accepted my gender assignment without question and followed the male path laid out. My experience was different than many other assigned males though. My father was not overly macho. So I had a doll and played many imaginary role-play games including playing house with my sisters and other girls, without it ever being an issue. I was the oldest of 10, and my mother drafted me into taking care of the house and my siblings. At one time she threatened to change a "dowry" for me when I got married. I was a good junior homemaker. I always had a girlfriend all the way through school starting in kindergarten. When I got married - twice - I did not want to be the head of the household in stereotypical male fashion. I cleaned house equally, cooked, sewed, and worked I thought equally. Both relationships ended for multiple reasons, but in part, I think my wives wanted a husband and I wanted to be a co-wife or even a wife to a husband. But during the marriages I could not have identified any of this - I was focused on trying to make it work on the outside. Denial does not just exist in addictions.

That is it: DENIAL held up my self-awareness until I was 59.

Now I look back on my life and I see hints that existed all along but I did not think about. Being friends with girls when no other boys were. Never really being "one of the guys" (I thought I was just a nerd). Sewing a dress for my wife. Reading every Georgette Heyer Regency Romance written. Finding a nurturing, compassionate job. No one thing was something no man ever did so I did not think about it until later.

I also think that I was able superficially to be "male" enough no one ever questioned my gender - including me until recently. (and I am not giving up good spacial relationships and decent math ability).

Eventually I did start putting things together and actually start listening to my inner self. That has been confusing and exciting and scary. All my life I did have the feeling that I could not afford to be fully truly my authentic self. So I tried not to know what I thought I could not afford to be.

Now I know.

Now fear is slowing down my fully expressing my new self knowledge everywhere in my life. When others talk about fear, I get it.

And the fear of dying still unborn will not let me not express my self. So now I am in-between and transitioning to ?

Part of my self-acceptance is accepting not knowing where I will end up; accepting only that I have to get out of the cocoon.

Kendall

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Genevieve Swann

I thought my desire would go away with age. In my twenties it became more of a need to accepy myself. Self acceptance is better and easier than living in misery.

Kalie

Hello :)

To be honest I never had a problem with acceptance.
I always knew I was a girl.
It was others acceptance of me that held me up.


Sorry I couldn't give a better answer
~Kalie~
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Padma

For me, looking back there was something else going on which might have appeared to be lack of self-acceptance, but was actually self-protection.

I first consciously realised I wanted to transition when I was 23, in the mid-80's. But then I carefully decided it was a sexuality issue that needed addressing instead, and set it aside (over and over for the next couple of decades).

The thing is, I wasn't wrong - I did have a sexuality issue that needed dealing with, but what lay beneath that was the consequences of childhood sexual abuse. So I needed to sort all that out, and as I did, my sexuality healed itself - and only then was I able to wake up one day and find it was safe to want my body female. And only then did I realise I'd wanted that since I was old enough to know the difference between male and female. Growing up in an abusive environment, I seem to have made a decision to protect my female self from harm by putting her to sleep until it was safe to wake up again.

To me, that was an act of love, not of lack of self-acceptance. I'm very grateful to my younger self for doing this, and for stopping me from transitioning in my 20's, when I would have ended up in a terrible self-destructive mess emotionally. Of course, I'd like none of the bad stuff to have happened, and for me to have been ready to transition when I was young (and had little grey hair!) but I'm content with the way it's finally worked out.
Womandrogyneâ„¢
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