My worry...

[togetherwecan]

If Brooke decides to go thru transition (even if it is partial by hormones) how much will it change how she feels about me and will the new found freedom and feelings take her away from me to someone new?
Has anyone here dealt with this issue?
I guess I am concerned that finally being able to be herself she will want to explore with/be with other people. Does being part of the loving support structure bring us closer or will it inevitably pull us a part?

[Brianna]

TogetherweCan,

I would like to give you my opinion, but please remember - this is just my opinion.

I have rarely known a married transsexual that didn't transition after trying hormones. And the ones I have known have delayed this at a great expense to themselves and loved ones. I am sorry, but in my opinion I think you need to steel yourself for this.

I think your worry about your relationship is probably unfounded. Most transsexuals are beyond commited to their relationship. Most M2F transsexuals are lesbians! So - I would not have this being your primary worry.

It is true that most marriages do not survive transition. But - I think it's important to remember this is a choice between the two of you.

Bri

[cindianna_jones]

Together, I would not have left my SO.  I loved her dearly.  Oddly enough she loved me as well.  But the society we lived in would not allow it..... she could not allow it.  We were part of a very conservative Christian community.  It could never have worked fior that reason.  

Now this is my life.  I can not say what you and your SO will experience.  From what I have seen, those in solid relationships before have a very good chance of surviving the transition.  Everyone that I've ever met who commit to stay together.... are still together.  They have beat the odds of what the standard divorce rate!  Of course this is only my perspective.  It is anecdotal.

Now with that said, if your relationship is just getting started, I'd keep it at the friendship level for just as long as you can.  It is a very troubling time for her.  It is a very selfish time for her.

Cindi

[togetherwecan]

TogetherweCan,

I would like to give you my opinion, but please remember - this is just my opinion.

I have rarely known a married transsexual that didn't transition after trying hormones. And the ones I have known have delayed this at a great expense to themselves and loved ones. I am sorry, but in my opinion I think you need to steel yourself for this.

I think your worry about your relationship is probably unfounded. Most transsexuals are beyond commited to their relationship. Most M2F transsexuals are lesbians! So - I would not have this being your primary worry.

It is true that most marriages do not survive transition. But - I think it's important to remember this is a choice between the two of you.

Bri

Bri, I totally understand this and believe you are right. I think once Brooke begins there will be no turning back. I think she is going to love how the hormones make her look and feel and in all honesty I am excited to see, touch, feel. If she decides for full SRS that is her decision and I will support it 100%, no problem there.
She is not sexually attracted to men so I am not worried about that however that leads me to another question...can the hormones themselves gear an attraction that has never been felt before?
There is a teenness to her already (just from finally telling asomone)  which I have read much about. Good thing I raised 2 teen girls and understand the angst and just the weirdness of being a teen girl - not to mention lived thru it myself lol. I guess because she has never been allowed to be herself that I am concerned she will want to start experimenting just being the girl she is and how others react to her and possibly attract her and vice versa because it will be new.

Together, I would not have left my SO.  I loved her dearly.  Oddly enough she loved me as well.  But the society we lived in would not allow it..... she could not allow it.  We were part of a very conservative Christian community.  It could never have worked fior that reason.  

Now this is my life.  I can not say what you and your SO will experience.  From what I have seen, those in solid relationships before have a very good chance of surviving the transition.  Everyone that I've ever met who commit to stay together.... are still together.  They have beat the odds of what the standard divorce rate!  Of course this is only my perspective.  It is anecdotal.

Now with that said, if your relationship is just getting started, I'd keep it at the friendship level for just as long as you can.  It is a very troubling time for her.  It is a very selfish time for her.

Cindi

We are in love. We have made love several times, it is more than just friendship. I am commited.

[Brianna]

Well, togetherwecan,

Hormones did strongly increase my attraction to men, even though I had only dated women previously.

I can look back and see my own attraction to women was confusion. I  wanted to be one, to the point of glorifying them. I wanted friendships with them as an accepted equal to the point of ignoring sexuality. As I went into full time, I began to feel very strongly about my previous bisexual feelings. And then, what used to be glorification for women became just close assexual freindship.

I think I now like men for the same reason other women do. It's not that I think men are so attractive in the same physical way I understand women are attractive. But - men just complete me as a woman. I want their strength. I want to be held. I want to complete them as they complete me as a woman.

And it's just, well, GROSS to think of women sexually - even though I find them very beautiful.

That was what my own progression twords being straight was like, at least. I hope that makes sense.

Bri, your illustrious party princess

[togetherwecan]

Well, togetherwecan,

Hormones did strongly increase my attraction to men, even though I had only dated women previously.

I can look back and see my own attraction to women was confusion. I  wanted to be one, to the point of glorifying them. I wanted friendships with them as an accepted equal to the point of ignoring sexuality. As I went into full time, I began to feel very strongly about my previous bisexual feelings. And then, what used to be glorification for women became just close assexual freindship.

I think I now like men for the same reason other women do. It's not that I think men are so attractive in the same physical way I understand women are attractive. But - men just complete me as a woman. I want their strength. I want to be held. I want to complete them as they complete me as a woman.

And it's just, well, GROSS to think of women sexually - even though I find them very beautiful.

That was what my own progression twords being straight was like, at least. I hope that makes sense.

Bri, your illustrious party princess

Brooke said all these years part of her confusion was that she was NOT attracted to men.
I am still learning about what the hormones will and wont do. I really am unsure how they affect the thought process itself because I do beleve it is possible once the testosterone is diminished and the girly hormones start pumping their way thru she may decide women are gross too. I am not a lesbian. I am bi. Heh, never said that out loud, funny I never have said it to anyone except Brooke and that was only because she asked me (before I knew she was a she).
Anyhow...I just want to know what the possibilities are so that I can be as prepared for whatever as possible.
Bri, thanks so much for responding. I really appreciate it.
Party on Princess! 

[Brianna]

It's no problem, togetherwecan.

I love your positive attitude and open mind. Brooke is one lucky chica. Feel free to stop by our #chat support anytime, where the real party is.

By the way, I've got to tell you this. When she does got on hormones, she is going to be so much happier. It was like my brain stopped shorting out. I know you will like this person so much more.

Brilala,

PS- I think bisexuality is normal. My therory is that women find them to unremarkable too act/worry about, and that men are so threatened by them they lie about them.

[togetherwecan]

It's no problem, togetherwecan.

I love your positive attitude and open mind. Brooke is one lucky chica. Feel free to stop by our #chat support anytime, where the real party is.

By the way, I've got to tell you this. When she does got on hormones, she is going to be so much happier. It was like my brain stopped shorting out. I know you will like this person so much more.

Brilala,

PS- I think bisexuality is normal. My therory is that women find them to unremarkable too act/worry about, and that men are so threatened by them they lie about them.

hehe thanks! I am dying to get into the chat but my laptop wont let me load active x (which the chat requires) for some reason...if Brooke were here right now she would know how to resolve that for me lol but she is not so I am locked out unless ya all know the trick?
I am looking forward to whatever is going to help Brooke become who she is in a more physical sense. She is already there inside, it's time to let her see the light of day outside. I love her and I am not uncomfortable with any of this. I just want to learn what I can and be there for her.

*I agree with you on bisexuality...this damn cornered and labled world we live in really sucks.

[LynnER]

Heythere Together we can...

While I was with my Ex, I thought of noone but her period hands down no ands iffs or buts....

After the breakup, a few months down the line I discovered somewhere in the journey I had aquired a like for men...  *Shrugs*  Its totaly normal to me now.  I cant say weather or not that would or wouldnt have happened if she hadnt called everything off...

So far as chat goes... Rather than trying to use the client we provide, use chatzilla by mozilla, or download a coppy of MIRC at www.mirc.com    Im not sure where the setup instructions are but the server is irc.susans.org  just fill that in and log in,  choose a name first and we'll be on our way to some fine conversations 

[togetherwecan]

Heythere Together we can...

While I was with my Ex, I thought of noone but her period hands down no ands iffs or buts....

After the breakup, a few months down the line I discovered somewhere in the journey I had aquired a like for men...  *Shrugs*  Its totaly normal to me now.  I cant say weather or not that would or wouldnt have happened if she hadnt called everything off...

So far as chat goes... Rather than trying to use the client we provide, use chatzilla by mozilla, or download a coppy of MIRC at www.mirc.com    Im not sure where the setup instructions are but the server is irc.susans.org  just fill that in and log in,  choose a name first and we'll be on our way to some fine conversations 

Thanks Lynn! I will give it a shot, but first want to talk to Brooke and make sure she is cool with it. She knows I joined the site (I don't think she is here lol...yet). She know's I am posting and feeling my way thru. I am sure she would be fine with me chatting as well. It is what I do best lmao! I just want to be sure she doesn't get overwhelmed with how much I have jumped into the fray of this new life!!!

[LynnER]

I would have been thrilled if my Ex (before she became such) or my family had shown such support and intrest    Heres cheers to you.

[togetherwecan]

I would have been thrilled if my Ex (before she became such) or my family had shown such support and intrest    Heres cheers to you.

well I think a lot of it has to do with a few things like my background that I mentioned , but also, Brooke and I are political activists. I had only known her as a man (for almost 4 yrs) until a few days ago. We had just been friends all that time with me knowing none of this. I have had this weirdmessage board crush on her for a long time. Then all of a sudden sumthing just happened and the next thing you know we were flirting like mad and just having such a good time getting to know eachother in a romantic way. I loved everything about her even though I didn't know she was a she. When we finally met face to face she had dropped a lot of hints that I couldn't quite put together into a tangible something, ya know. But, the days we spent together were the best of my life. It was so hard to leave and both of us felt it. We both cried (not in front of eachother lol). I still didn't know the truth. Once we both got to our homes we were pretty crazily devasted being so far away from each other. The feeling is almost ridiculously urgent like we HAVE to be together NOW. I have never felt this before in my life, I am 38 yrs old. We are totally connected. There is no question.
When she finally told me, it was via email. She warned me that it was huge and she was terrified to tell me and thought I would be "sickened"...my firsat reaction was the giggles and not becuase I was laughing at her, I was relieved for one and the other reason for the giggles was because I was so totally ok with it.

[Kimberly]

I think the largest single problem to a relationship in this predicament has already been sidestepped. Most SOs have a VERY hard time with their spouse being TS. VERY hard. Being able to walk into it eyes wide open should work out well.

The only problem I foresee would be if she ends up liking guys, but frankly it sounds like she HAS thought about the sexuality subject enough to have a clue by now. If in doubt ask her about that, and let her be free to like whomever she naturally likes.


As for my own 'evolution' I always identified as a heterosexual male, I did probably have more 'gay' thoughts that the vast majority of heterosexual males but, in my opinion, I still fit solidly in that category. On transition I reflected and especially after seeing thoughts, opinion and reactions of heterosexual identifying people I came to the conclusion that I am anything BUT heterosexual. I was honest with myself and opened up to the possibilities and as near as I can tell I am bi, albeit still asexual more than anything. (stupid body, single, etc.). For whatever that is worth.


Please feel free to invite Brooke to these forums; Being a transsexual can be very trying at times.



^*curtsey*

[togetherwecan]

I think the largest single problem to a relationship in this predicament has already been sidestepped. Most SOs have a VERY hard time with their spouse being TS. VERY hard. Being able to walk into it eyes wide open should work out well.

The only problem I foresee would be if she ends up liking guys, but frankly it sounds like she HAS thought about the sexuality subject enough to have a clue by now. If in doubt ask her about that, and let her be free to like whomever she naturally likes.


As for my own 'evolution' I always identified as a heterosexual male, I did probably have more 'gay' thoughts that the vast majority of heterosexual males but, in my opinion, I still fit solidly in that category. On transition I reflected and especially after seeing thoughts, opinion and reactions of heterosexual identifying people I came to the conclusion that I am anything BUT heterosexual. I was honest with myself and opened up to the possibilities and as near as I can tell I am bi, albeit still asexual more than anything. (stupid body, single, etc.). For whatever that is worth.


Please feel free to invite Brooke to these forums; Being a transsexual can be very trying at times.



^*curtsey*

Thanks!
I have invited Brooke here. I think she is letting me find my place with all of you and just letting me do my thing and adjust. I think there is a part of her that thinks I am going to change my mind. I am not. I can tell you she is amazed at how much I have picked up here and other places and I am pretty direct as you can all tell so I have no problem asking her straightforward questions even though they are not easy. Probably easier for me to ask then for her to answer, lol. Part of why I am participating so much here. I don't want to overwhelm her.
Although I haven't seen "her" in person because she presented as "he" when we met I have now seen pics of her as she prefers to be. It didn't freak me out. In fact I thought she was pretty sexy and she looks better in a skirt than I do!!! If she decides she wants men down the road I admit it will break my heart because I am in love with her in every sense of the word, but this is all about what is right for her and if in the end we are just friends that is still a gift I will treasure.

[Kate]

Hormones did strongly increase my attraction to men, even though I had only dated women previously.

I can look back and see my own attraction to women was confusion. I  wanted to be one, to the point of glorifying them. I wanted friendships with them as an accepted equal to the point of ignoring sexuality. As I went into full time, I began to feel very strongly about my previous bisexual feelings. And then, what used to be glorification for women became just close assexual freindship.

I think I now like men for the same reason other women do. It's not that I think men are so attractive in the same physical way I understand women are attractive. But - men just complete me as a woman. I want their strength. I want to be held. I want to complete them as they complete me as a woman.

And it's just, well, GROSS to think of women sexually - even though I find them very beautiful.

Oh my god, we are SO alike. Practically ripped from the pages of my journal.

Yes, this has been my experience as well. The evolution actually began *before* hormones though, when I started to really, truly accept who I was. I mean I knew I was TS, but knowing yourself as a diagnosis and accepting yourself as a female are two different things - at least it was for me.

I don't find women in general sexually appealing (aside from admiring their beauty), but I DO find that my wife arouses me still... simply because it's HER, the person I'm in love with. But if we break up, it's likely my next partner will be a guy - if I should get so lucky. Other women are just... women. No spark, no mystery, no polar compliment.

So even if she does find her interests in men awakening, it doesn't necessarily mean that her existing feelings for you will change.

Kate

[angelsgirl]

You know what? That is exactly my very worst fear about my relationship! We are a lot alike, you and I, it's kind of scary!    I am also bisexual and I can't wait until Jocelyn has the proper parts, because I'm not allowed to touch anything that's already there (you know what I mean?)

So, lemme ask you this:  How long have you two been together and what stages in your lives are you at? Curiosity, really, but it'll help me dole out the sage-like advice that I never follow myself! Just kidding. I have no sage-like advice, just good ol' feminine intuition!

Basically, to solve my own insecurity about the possibility that you and I both fear, I simply rationalized that no matter what relationship you could be in, there is always the possiblity of being left for any multitude of reasons. Look at the divorce rate among the general public. And besides, you're probably not the only one in your relationship that fears rejection because of transition. I know for a fact that Jocelyn is every bit as worried that I'll leave her for a man as I am worried that she'll leave me for a man. She's probably even more worried because I could potentially leave her for a woman that already has all the "woman parts".  And we can promise each other until we're blue in face that we won't leave, but I don't think the fear ever really leaves either of us, but somehow, that's okay.  Life is about chances, and anything that's not worth the risk isn't worth it at all, right?  That's how I see it, anyway.

[togetherwecan]

You know what? That is exactly my very worst fear about my relationship! We are a lot alike, you and I, it's kind of scary!    I am also bisexual and I can't wait until Jocelyn has the proper parts, because I'm not allowed to touch anything that's already there (you know what I mean?)

So, lemme ask you this:  How long have you two been together and what stages in your lives are you at? Curiosity, really, but it'll help me dole out the sage-like advice that I never follow myself! Just kidding. I have no sage-like advice, just good ol' feminine intuition!

Basically, to solve my own insecurity about the possibility that you and I both fear, I simply rationalized that no matter what relationship you could be in, there is always the possiblity of being left for any multitude of reasons. Look at the divorce rate among the general public. And besides, you're probably not the only one in your relationship that fears rejection because of transition. I know for a fact that Jocelyn is every bit as worried that I'll leave her for a man as I am worried that she'll leave me for a man. She's probably even more worried because I could potentially leave her for a woman that already has all the "woman parts".  And we can promise each other until we're blue in face that we won't leave, but I don't think the fear ever really leaves either of us, but somehow, that's okay.  Life is about chances, and anything that's not worth the risk isn't worth it at all, right?  That's how I see it, anyway.

excellent post. I want to reply to this, but need to boogie down the road for a bit to get my son from school and run a couple errands. Should be back in an hour to reply. Thanks!

You know what? That is exactly my very worst fear about my relationship! We are a lot alike, you and I, it's kind of scary!    I am also bisexual and I can't wait until Jocelyn has the proper parts, because I'm not allowed to touch anything that's already there (you know what I mean?)

So, lemme ask you this:  How long have you two been together and what stages in your lives are you at? Curiosity, really, but it'll help me dole out the sage-like advice that I never follow myself! Just kidding. I have no sage-like advice, just good ol' feminine intuition!

Basically, to solve my own insecurity about the possibility that you and I both fear, I simply rationalized that no matter what relationship you could be in, there is always the possiblity of being left for any multitude of reasons. Look at the divorce rate among the general public. And besides, you're probably not the only one in your relationship that fears rejection because of transition. I know for a fact that Jocelyn is every bit as worried that I'll leave her for a man as I am worried that she'll leave me for a man. She's probably even more worried because I could potentially leave her for a woman that already has all the "woman parts".  And we can promise each other until we're blue in face that we won't leave, but I don't think the fear ever really leaves either of us, but somehow, that's okay.  Life is about chances, and anything that's not worth the risk isn't worth it at all, right?  That's how I see it, anyway.

Brooke and I have been online friends for years, but I only knew Brook as a male. A few months ago our friendship took a wonderful turn that neither of us expected. It was something that just happened. We live on opposite coasts, sigh, but have in fact met face to face recently, again Brook presented to me a man not herself. Our feelings for eachother were alreasdy over the top by time wet met face to face. When we saw eachother it was the most natural thing in the world to touch and be together. We had sex, lots of sex. So it wasn't a no touch zone and she seemed to enjoy it. All this is of course from my perspective and I didn't know what I now know. I just knew something was different, but it wasn't in a bad way. We had an amzing time together and when we had to leave one another it was horrible. I posted most of this in another thread somewhere...anyhow...we keep growing together in love and she finally told me a few days ago. I don't feel tricked or confused or uncomfortable. I simply love her and want to be with her and as far as I am concerned this changes nothing between us. It certainly doesn't change how I feel about her. She is still her and I love who she is.
What stage are we in? That is hard to say without Brook. I would like to think we are in a stage of "moving forward" together, but alas there are some issues so I am in a holding pattern. I think when all is said and done Brook and I will be together and not a country apart.
WRT the possibility of all of this changing her sexual tastes all I can say is I hope it doesn't, but as I am discovering today it could. Something for me to pray about I suppose.
I don't want to hold her down. That would really suck for her. So all I can really do right now is be here, learn and keep loving. Whatever will be will be revealed when the time comes. At the very least I would assume anyone who goes through all this would want to at least experiment a LITTLE. I would want to I think.

[Berri]

I can not speak for Nikki, but I can for myself. That is not a worry that I have that she will leave me to go look for another. I know that she cares very much for me and would and does make sure that I know it.
I am still new to all of this, but am learning more everyday.

[togetherwecan]

I can not speak for Nikki, but I can for myself. That is not a worry that I have that she will leave me to go look for another. I know that she cares very much for me and would and does make sure that I know it.
I am still new to all of this, but am learning more everyday.

I feel Brooke's feelings are solid, but she is finally emerging and I am well aware that although she will always love me anything can happen along the way. I hope that all that I do is positive for her because it is also positive for us and those around us.

Really glad you are here Berri! *hugs*

[Nikki_W]

I wish I could speak with as much confidence as Berri does. But this is a time of change and lots of it. When I look at how much hormones can change you, stories of discovered interest in men, and how much whats important to me can change on a day to day basis, yes this is a concern. Talking to another member here did a lot to relieve that concern to the point I don't think about it much. But it does nag at the back of the mind... what if? And the points you brought out are among the ones that make it so hard to disregard the question in spite of how I feel now.

For the record Berri is my SO and I'm the one moving through transition.(albeit slowly at the moment)