Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone,

Well, I moved town. I went some place where no-one knows my history. This seems the ultimate stealth, or passing test. I introduced myself to my neighbors already. I sent them cards with my name on it. So now they know my name... I did this to prevent any gossip. All seems good, so far. Well, I manage to pass quite good by now. Not even men notice anything, even intimacy works well. So a good chance that no one will find out. And I like it that way. I want to burn the past, and everything related to it. I have no contact with anyone anymore. About 90% of people in my life left after coming out. The other 10% left in due time. It is very difficult, but I have to. I have to create myself, solidify my identity, surround myself with new people and start a brand new life.

And yet, and yet... and yet... this dysphoria is some nasty stuff to deal with. I still have some. It bothers me, because no one else is bothered by me. To this day I still do not have enough self-confidence. The dysphoria is still present, a little voice that sometimes says: "Do they know?", do they think this or that?" We are very self-conscious people, it comes with the dysphoria. But damn... it is so hard to deal with the memories. I just want to forget and start all over...

Sometimes I really think I should let myself be hypnotized, to erase all the past memories...

Does anyone have some tips about dealing with post-op / stealth dysphoria? do you still have that little voice inside your head? and what did you do to change it?

Sorry for any typo's I am on a very small laptop...

Hugs.

First off... I completely understand where you are coming from.

My question to you would be, how long have you been living as your truth? This has factors to play in it.

Now for my advise...you will never be able to erase the past. Dont focus on the past as the present and future is what matters now. Overtime your past will seem like a distant memory. Accept that it is your past so you can move on to your preaent and future. Stop living in the past. Create new memories!! Go on dates.. go to the park in a beautiful sundress... go play in the rin and let your hair get wet! Create beautiful memorisa that will overshadow the dark ones. That way, one day you will be able to say, wow did I really go.Through all of that ? Wow.

When I came out I was still in my teens, we were living in Hobart for mums work, however all our family was back in Melbourne and she was looking at getting back.
I came out and within a few months we had moved, to which I went full time pretty much the second I got off the plane.
The first few months were very boring and a little scary, but I started tafe not long after to finish high school, started to make friends and went to uni.
Those who know only know because they're family or I wanted them to know.

I'm having the same issue/phase as you.

I'm 24 and transitioned very young. This was right before social media started to get popular so thankfully I have no pictures/profile of myself dressed as a male floating around the internet. Although, if my name is searched carefully you can find out I'm trans due to me outing myself when dating before. Now, I have to change my name again, which I don't mind.

Tips:
1). Cut off everyone. I mean everyone! Except your very close family. Girlfriends (especially other trans) are so catty. They will be quick to say backhanded things to your future spouse like "I'm so happy you accept her for being her" and out you. They might out you by accident or just plain association as well. It sucks but it's worth it. It's hard because making new friends and a new "past" is hard, lonely and takes times but worth it.

*** ONE BIG THING*** I stress this to everyone. Now days, it is not possible to be 100% stealth. (Unless you move to the Amazon jungle) I don't care how pretty a girl is there is always something that can give us away when closely examined and looked it. Now you can play stealth in public but when you start spending alot of time with people, it gives them more of a chance to notice these little things. Especially if you are to marry a man, he will find out eventually. You are eating,breathing and sleeping with this person. He will see everything. But in the beggining of the relationship he probably wont know but you will have to break the news to him some day (usually months in, 6 months?. I say when you both truly love eachother) by this time if he truly loves you he will most likely stay. But again there is no way to be 100% stealth. Social media, the increasing transgender awareness on TV, Social Media and Trans Education now have everyone knowing about us and our procedures.

In a way this transgender attention/awarness is bad for the girls who want to be stealth. Guys know that adams apples can be shaved, vaginas can be made even nicer than a females and lots of them have been in contact with trans and know that they can legally change their name and gender marker. Back in the 70's and 80's it was unthinkable for trans to have a vagina, unless it was a butchered mess (in a males mind). Now days they seen porn or pictures and see that surgeries can completely feminize someone. Heck, guys even spook cisgender girls that are "too pretty" have "too much surgery" or are tall and say their ">-bleeped-<s" when shes actually not!

This is the new "stealth". I'd say you can be 90% stealth as long as you have
1.a good back story. I changed the high school I went to. I say I was born in another town. You can run into someone (happened to me in college) who went to same high school. He told me he didn't remember me in school but in my head I was like "yup you do, I was the feminine boy that hanged out with your girlfriend at the time". Ever since then I changed my whole back story. Diff town, school, etc.

2.passable (not saying pretty. Passable is both pretty and ugly. Sometimes being over-surged is what spooks people. Sometimes looking like a 4 out of 10 is more passable. My friend isn't that pretty and she says it herself but theres one thing she is and thats super passable. She says "Im passable. I just look like an ugly girl" haha. its true I give it to her).

3. nothing lingering in the past. No pictures, yearbooks, online profiles photos etc. Everyone googles people now.


4. distancing yourself from people who know your past. You cant trust anyone but yourself. its the truth. Friends fight all the time. Do you want to risk a friend spilling your tea when she gets mad? Even if she hasnt yet you never know. Plus lots of times they spill it with no malice. For example. my cousin all the times shows pictures of me to guys saying "she is so pretty. she a >-bleeped-< but she gorgeous right?" The other day she showed a guy a picture I sent her of my vagina (the results) and she called me and he said "yooo I can't beleive it, it looks like a pussy ur doctor did a good job". Now by now I stop correcting her cause she always did this and I know it's not done with malicious intent but still.

5. **Controversial** what I am about to say but whatever. I pretend to have this stance where I don't believe in homosexuality, transgender etc. I say it's immoral and not God's plan. I act like I don't accept them but I always say "I don't hate them I just dont agree with their lifestyle. Im a catholic girl" I don't trash talk or anything but I always let it be known that I'm against that lifestyle. But im not out there with picket signs and constantly talking about it cause then it just makes you more suspicious.

6. Stop the translingo (big problem for me) words such as "werk" "spill tea" etc will "spook" you.

7. Don't overshare and keep as many things you can private but not in a wierd way that will draw more attention but more in a way a professional at work would.

Quote from: nicolegn7 on April 23, 2015, 03:34:44 AM
5. **Controversial** what I am about to say but whatever. I pretend to have this stance where I don't believe in homosexuality, transgender etc. I say it's immoral and not God's plan. I act like I don't accept them but I always say "I don't hate them I just dont agree with their lifestyle. Im a catholic girl" I don't trash talk or anything but I always let it be known that I'm against that lifestyle. But im not out there with picket signs and constantly talking about it cause then it just makes you more suspicious.

At some point though, you gotta wonder how much damage to your soul is worth it to be stealth.

I don't see it as damaging at all. I am not hurting no one. I am looking out for myself. The truth is that 98% of the time, if you can live a stealth life you will have way more opportunities. Yea it sucks that society doesn't accept trans but sometimes you have to make the best out of a situation. I am looking out for my best interest. Yea, it can sound a bit selfish but hey it's my life. I did not get this far in my transition to miss a chance at a better life in order to educate ignorant people. I rather be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie.

I'm so for the girls who want to have their voice heard but that's just not me. Personally, I think half the time people discriminate against trans or gays is because of how OUT & PROUD they are. Again before people start attacking me, I am not saying its wrong and that its shameful but throwing it in other peoples faces and constantly feeling the need to tell someone your trans and push your views on them is wrong. When cisgender heterosexual couples kiss on the street or make it a point to make it known they are a couple, I find it annoying, uncomfortable and if its extreme PDA disrespectful.

Ok, I'm ranting here, But all I have to say is just lke the girls who want us to respect their belief of not being stealth, they should see it in our point of view as well.

Quote from: nicolegn7 on April 23, 2015, 04:52:07 PM
Ok, I'm ranting here, But all I have to say is just lke the girls who want us to respect their belief of not being stealth, they should see it in our point of view as well.

I definitely respect the choice to go stealth. And if you (or any other stealth women) see no problem with spreading disapproval of our "lifestyle", it's a free country.

But I think it is damaging to disparage the trans community, whether you're stealth or out. People who respect you will see it as respectable. Transphobia will be the rule until it is no longer seen as socially acceptable.

Quote from: nicolegn7 on April 23, 2015, 04:52:07 PM
I'm so for the girls who want to have their voice heard but that's just not me. Personally, I think half the time people discriminate against trans or gays is because of how OUT & PROUD they are. Again before people start attacking me, I am not saying its wrong and that its shameful but throwing it in other peoples faces and constantly feeling the need to tell someone your trans and push your views on them is wrong. When cisgender heterosexual couples kiss on the street or make it a point to make it known they are a couple, I find it annoying, uncomfortable and if its extreme PDA disrespectful.

Ok, I'm ranting here, But all I have to say is just lke the girls who want us to respect their belief of not being stealth, they should see it in our point of view as well.

I'm more than happy for girls and guys to be stealth.. But don't assume that because I choose not to be that I'm forever jamming it down peoples throats. For me, not being stealth means I'm simply honest and up front about if asked. It means I will tell prospective partners right from the start. It means I have friends (and family) from before transition that remain part of my life. It means I don't rewrite my history. I don't walk around with "I'm trans!" written across my forehead, nor do I shout it in the streets. I just live my life with the truth available to anyone that asks nicely.

I would also point out that it's those that have been out and proud in the past that make the treatments we all need possible.

Quote from: nicolegn7 on April 23, 2015, 03:34:44 AM
In a way this transgender attention/awarness is bad for the girls who want to be stealth. Guys know that adams apples can be shaved, vaginas can be made even nicer than a females and lots of them have been in contact with trans and know that they can legally change their name and gender marker. Back in the 70's and 80's it was unthinkable for trans to have a vagina, unless it was a butchered mess (in a males mind). Now days they seen porn or pictures and see that surgeries can completely feminize someone. Heck, guys even spook cisgender girls that are "too pretty" have "too much surgery" or are tall and say their ">-bleeped-<s" when shes actually not!

Well, a name change has always been possible.. And I think some of the women around here who did have surgery back in the 70's and 80's would argue against their vagina's looking like a butchered mess - even to a male. The procedures used today are not all that different to what was done back then.

To stealth or not to stealth that is the question. The energizer bunny and this question have a lot in common.

Quote
5. **Controversial** what I am about to say but whatever. I pretend to have this stance where I don't believe in homosexuality, transgender etc. I say it's immoral and not God's plan. I act like I don't accept them but I always say "I don't hate them I just dont agree with their lifestyle. Im a catholic girl" I don't trash talk or anything but I always let it be known that I'm against that lifestyle. But im not out there with picket signs and constantly talking about it cause then it just makes you more suspicious.

I am offended by this paragraph.

Quote from: 2cherry on April 14, 2015, 09:49:15 AM


Does anyone have some tips about dealing with post-op / stealth dysphoria? do you still have that little voice inside your head? and what did you do to change it?

Sorry for any typo's I am on a very small laptop...

Hugs.

I was like you in that nearly everyone walked away from me and I faced the reality of having to start a new life over again. I can honestly say that I focused my attention post-transition on my career to at least get back on par with where I was before. I also started to enjoy things for the first things, both new and old. That's where hobbies can be great. Find something you like do to and do it, with passion. Now I have a great work-life balance and a great free-time/hobbies/doing new things/ exploring/staying fit/ balance as well. I stopped being afraid of meeting new people and purposefully put myself out there to meet new people. I find my life quite refreshing, but at the same time it's quiet and uneventful. For me, it's a perfect balance.

I think nicolegn7's post is on the ball here.

I don't know how to explain how stealth I am at this point. It kind of happened in a weird way and it's not 100%.

- For a long time I didn't pass so everyone in my life knew.
- But then I got really depressed and didn't really leave the house ever so those people dropped out of my life and never saw me as I started to really change a lot. So some of them might not recognize me and I might not recognize them in passing either. In theory though, if someone from my past ever showed up at my job or whatever then who knows what would happen.
-  When I re-entered the world I met a ton of new people and didn't tell anyone except my boss who was doing a background check.
- Then I liked a girl and I told her because...well she was going to find out if it ever became serious. I kind of regret that tbh because it didn't work out and she isn't someone I like that much (romantically) anymore, so. She accidentally let it slip to a few others so stealth kind of died there.

As for other stuff I just don't have online profiles under my old or new names.

Honestly, if it wasn't for girls and needing to tell them to be in a relationship with them, I'd be stealth and never tell anyone. The only people who I have from the past are one friend who stuck by me thick and thin, my ex that I talk to now and again, my doctors and the psych I see. And family. Even with the psych , if I didn't like her as much as I did, if she wasn't such a good match for me, I'd have ditched her and found a psych and been stealth to the psych because I don't like talking about my transition even in the confines of therapy.

As for the little nagging voice...I overcame it by recognizing that people could, potentially, make assumptions about me and my history. I accept that there may be people out there who will go "ah, that guy looks a little different, wonder if he's FTM" or whatever. But they could make that assumption about a cisgender man too. Or a cisgender woman. I'm secure in myself enough at this point that other people's assumptions don't have to affect how I feel about myself. I am a man. I look like a man. If someone wants to make an assumption about me with limited information, so be it. I don't owe them an explanation, I don't owe them the "truth", I would just laugh it off honestly or call them out on their rudeness depending how they went about it.

@nicolegn7

I support anyone who wants to go stealth but for many it's just not a reality, the whole world knows i'm trans because I don't "pass", i'm not in your face about who & what I am but people are frequently in my face for no justifiable reason.

I find the thought of someone who manages to attain stealth status taking an anti trans stance to be highly disagreeable, every time someone uses the "it's not gods plan it's immoral" line they are throwing fuel on the fire of hatred, should your stealth fail you one day then that very hatred you've fuelled could very easily turn around and bite you.
I'd also like to state that this is not a "lifestyle choice" for me, it's closer to being a choice to live rather than a choice to swallow every pill at my disposal, with my stock of sleeping tablets, anti depressants & other prescription medication it wouldn't be a cry for help because should I be found the unlucky person to find me wouldn't even have time to phone for a ambulance before my heart had stopped beating

Quote from: Jayne on April 24, 2015, 12:48:03 PM.... it's just not a reality....

There is great truth in those words!

I transitioned in 1974. I was disowned by family and started life over in a different city. Except for my doctor, I was deep stealth and it was great but stealth is a VERY fragile thing. My stealth was compromised 3 different times over the next 10 years totally by coincidence - once by a travelling salesman I encountered in the office who used to call on my pre-transition employer and thought I was a sister to 'my former self', the second time by a reporter after I married, and the third time by a big-mouthed clinic worker who found it in my medical records. Other times when I had to divulge my past were for a security clearance and to get my aviation medical.

When you live stealth, you are always paranoid about people finding out and you  have to deal with the fallout when it happens so the last time my stealth was compromised I took a completely different approach - to neither confirm nor deny my past to people who are not intimate friends. After all, my medical history is really nobody's business. My closest friends know but they all know me well enough that they can't comprehend me as anyone/anything other than the woman they know.

Living without secrets is so much easier and more enjoyable than trying to hide things (but that doesn't mean you have to tell every Tom, Dick & Harry the details of your medical history!)

Please don't get me wrong on what i'm about to say but I recoil at the thought of going stealth. One of the main factors in me coming out was that I was tired of the constant worry of being outed by my mannerisms, walk etc..
In every job i've ever had i've gone through a phase of having to deny being gay, the older I got the harder I worked at being as masculine as possible, this led me down a rough & dark path. By the end of each day i'd feel drained by the amount of thought i'd put into every word & gesture, if I attained stealth status i'd just feel like i'd replaced one constant outing worry with another.

Now for the flip side of the coin, if someone wants to go stealth i'll defend their right to do so, every one of us must choose our own path from the options available to us & be free to walk that path freely.
If someone came to my LGBT group & said they wanted to go stealth i'd help them, several people over the last few years have made my jaw hit the floor when they've pulled me into a corner to confide that they are trans & stealth, I have always & will always keep their secret safe.

I opt for the middle of the road approach. Not out and loud, but not hiding anything either. Its just that everyone new i encounter and hang out with thinks i'm just a wierd geeky gal ^-^

If a question were to arise, i would just tell them. I'm not overly concerned what many others think but for a few. So they can try to claw and chip away at me, but i'll just be sitting there chuckling about it all. Probably i have this view because of how i was raised to always be a leader and never be ashamed of who i am, or in this case, was. It just took me a bit to embrace those lessons ;)

Quote from: nicolegn7 on April 23, 2015, 04:52:07 PM
I'm so for the girls who want to have their voice heard but that's just not me. Personally, I think half the time people discriminate against trans or gays is because of how OUT & PROUD they are. Again before people start attacking me, I am not saying its wrong and that its shameful but throwing it in other peoples faces and constantly feeling the need to tell someone your trans and push your views on them is wrong. When cisgender heterosexual couples kiss on the street or make it a point to make it known they are a couple, I find it annoying, uncomfortable and if its extreme PDA disrespectful.

Ok, I'm ranting here, But all I have to say is just lke the girls who want us to respect their belief of not being stealth, they should see it in our point of view as well.

I agree with you. Based on my experience, being stealth always gets more opportunity / fair treatment in any ways than being out and proud. Not everyone in the world has the capacity of understanding how things are for a transgender person. So being stealth is the key I think that would not let other people to bother thinking about how they will interpret you. To be honest, it is really hard to be stealth. I always have to make sure that I walk like a woman, posture as a woman, talk like a woman, think like a woman, laugh like a woman, have a personality like a woman. I grew up with gay guys in highschool being around them and you know how flamboyant they can be. I sometimes crossover to the side of how they talk and how they act whenever I am around them but those actions are not anymore suitable or doesnt look good to the way I look now. So I have to limit myself from acting like them and that is no fun but I have to if I want to be passable in public. I live in the country of where people are very good in clocking a trans because my country is one of the asian countries that was known for transgenders and drag queens. So imagine how hard is my everyday looks like. I also agree that being passable and being not so good looking is better than being passable and very good looking. I am not lifting my own chair but I was born with a pretty face, good skin and good shape. I am not part of the average appearance of the people in my country. Having said that, that most of the time makes people specially guys to check me out in the public. It supposed to be a good thing but being a trans and living in stealth, it makes it more difficult because people tend to monitor how you act and how you move most of the time (in short youre always prone for body checking). Because of this I can only go to limited places like those places where people can see people like me to blend in LOL (but thats true).

You can be stealth and be open gay and trans ally




Edited For Language

I know that the subject of stealth can sometimes get heated, I understand that some things have been said that many find disagreeable but can we try to stay civil with responses please?

Hi friends  :police:

Let's keep the site rules in mind when posting

Thank you

V M

Where does this idea that those of us who are not stealth are LOUD and in peoples faces about it? Like I've said previously, I won't hide it, but I also don't shout it from the rooftop.. There are people I interact with regularly that clearly have no idea and some that do.

Ladies as I said I respect everyone's way of living. We all have the same journey but I do feel sometimes a lot of us are out of touch of how society truly is. With all the good of the educating on trans issues the world is having we need to also see that it also is a bit harmful especially to those living a stealth life. I know cisgender girls who get "clocked" as if they were trans just because they are 5'9. With all the knowledge out there, it gets harder and harder for girls to live a "normal" life.
My ways of living stealth may not be the way you like to live but it in no way spurs hate. I try to deflect the issue as much as possible and if I have to fib and say "I don't agree with that lifestyle but I have nothing against transgender" does not constitute any hate or harm. Just like some people don't agree with Buddhist, Christian, Catholic or Jewish lifestyles doesn't mean they hate them. They just don't agree.

With the media (especially this Bruce Jenner interview) everyone is talking about it in public a lot more and sometimes for your own good you have to fib a bit. We all have fibbed due to safety issues and better treatment so for girls to attack me and report me as if I was doing something hateful (which I was reviewed and did not) is not fair. Do I agree with some transwomen parading about in mini skirts and bra-less (it happens a lot in NYC) no, I don't. But just because I don't agree doesn't make me hate anyone. It's just a matter of opinion. We all want to be seen as woman and the truth is wether some girls want to acknowledge it or not, we are't always seen that way. I have came too long in my transition to been seen as something I am not and I am blessed and fortunate that I can lead a stealth life and quite honestly nothing is going to get in the way of it just like nothing gets in the way of you girls transitioning.

If I'm in a group of people and transgender issues come up there are a couple of things I say to try to throw people off the track.

(1) "I can't imagine what it would feel like to "know" that your gender is different from your body."

This is the honest truth. I've always felt like a man in a male body, and I really can't understand what knowing I was female with a male body would feel like, so I'm not lying.

(2) "The thought of cutting up my body like that is terrifying."

That is also the honest truth, as people who've read some of my pre-SRS blog entries can attest.

I find I can deflect suspicion that I might be trans without disparagement or transphobia.

Quote from: nicolegn7 on April 23, 2015, 04:52:07 PM
I'm so for the girls who want to have their voice heard but that's just not me. Personally, I think half the time people discriminate against trans or gays is because of how OUT & PROUD they are. Again before people start attacking me, I am not saying its wrong and that its shameful but throwing it in other peoples faces and constantly feeling the need to tell someone your trans and push your views on them is wrong. When cisgender heterosexual couples kiss on the street or make it a point to make it known they are a couple, I find it annoying, uncomfortable and if its extreme PDA disrespectful.

Ok, I'm ranting here, But all I have to say is just lke the girls who want us to respect their belief of not being stealth, they should see it in our point of view as well.

People discriminate against us because they think we are icky. It doesn't matter how out and proud we are.  That said if stealth is for you then it is for you. The only place I draw the line is lying to romantic partners because I don't want to be lied to, even by omission. And truth be told I wouldn't mind being with a trans person as long as they are a decent human being.

Quote from: nicolegn7 on April 29, 2015, 06:52:19 AM
Ladies as I said I respect everyone's way of living. We all have the same journey but I do feel sometimes a lot of us are out of touch of how society truly is. With all the good of the educating on trans issues the world is having we need to also see that it also is a bit harmful especially to those living a stealth life. I know cisgender girls who get "clocked" as if they were trans just because they are 5'9. With all the knowledge out there, it gets harder and harder for girls to live a "normal" life.
My ways of living stealth may not be the way you like to live but it in no way spurs hate. I try to deflect the issue as much as possible and if I have to fib and say "I don't agree with that lifestyle but I have nothing against transgender" does not constitute any hate or harm. Just like some people don't agree with Buddhist, Christian, Catholic or Jewish lifestyles doesn't mean they hate them. They just don't agree.

With the media (especially this Bruce Jenner interview) everyone is talking about it in public a lot more and sometimes for your own good you have to fib a bit. We all have fibbed due to safety issues and better treatment so for girls to attack me and report me as if I was doing something hateful (which I was reviewed and did not) is not fair. Do I agree with some transwomen parading about in mini skirts and bra-less (it happens a lot in NYC) no, I don't. But just because I don't agree doesn't make me hate anyone. It's just a matter of opinion. We all want to be seen as woman and the truth is wether some girls want to acknowledge it or not, we are't always seen that way. I have came too long in my transition to been seen as something I am not and I am blessed and fortunate that I can lead a stealth life and quite honestly nothing is going to get in the way of it just like nothing gets in the way of you girls transitioning.

I don't think I could live my life pretending to be something I'm not. That is, after all, why I am transitioning!

As for telling people you don't approve of "the lifestyle" because you want to keep up appearances? That is so off the charts dumb. Seriously if you don't want people to think you're trans you don't need to do that. Just keep your mouth shut about politics and lifestyles. Seriously there are a billion things to talk about.

Nobody has asked me about Bruce Jenner except friends who already support me. None of my coworkers have asked. I was surprised but nobody really cares. I still pass no problems, except for the voice and a bit of shadow both of which I'm remedying. I in fact get stared at when I'm in guy drag now. I doubt that has to do with Jenner.

Quote from: 2cherry on April 14, 2015, 09:49:15 AM
Hi everyone,

Well, I moved town. I went some place where no-one knows my history. This seems the ultimate stealth, or passing test. I introduced myself to my neighbors already. I sent them cards with my name on it. So now they know my name... I did this to prevent any gossip. All seems good, so far. Well, I manage to pass quite good by now. Not even men notice anything, even intimacy works well. So a good chance that no one will find out. And I like it that way. I want to burn the past, and everything related to it. I have no contact with anyone anymore. About 90% of people in my life left after coming out. The other 10% left in due time. It is very difficult, but I have to. I have to create myself, solidify my identity, surround myself with new people and start a brand new life.

And yet, and yet... and yet... this dysphoria is some nasty stuff to deal with. I still have some. It bothers me, because no one else is bothered by me. To this day I still do not have enough self-confidence. The dysphoria is still present, a little voice that sometimes says: "Do they know?", do they think this or that?" We are very self-conscious people, it comes with the dysphoria. But damn... it is so hard to deal with the memories. I just want to forget and start all over...

Sometimes I really think I should let myself be hypnotized, to erase all the past memories...

Does anyone have some tips about dealing with post-op / stealth dysphoria? do you still have that little voice inside your head? and what did you do to change it?

Sorry for any typo's I am on a very small laptop...

Hugs.

I doubt i'll ever attain the option to go stealth but hopefully this can put your mind at ease a bit.
When I first came out my mum was obviously embarrased to be out in public with me but after a month or so even she realised something that I don't think had occured to her ever in her life, people don't pay attention to other people in public, seriously.
I'm not trying to pass as female, I don't wear skirts in public but I do wear female clothes & jewelery, i'm simply presenting as who I am at this point in my life & 99.9999% of the people I pass don't notice me, i'm just one of the herd.
Now consider that you're fortunate enough to pass, if 99% of joe public don't notice that right now I have a male body, voice, 5 O'clock shadow & a pair of breasts then surely the percentage of people that clock someone who does pass must be much, much smaller. I'd say these few, rare people would be more likely to look at a cis-woman & wrongly label her as trans.

When you go out the most important thing to wear to achieve acceptance is a smile

I totally agree with lying to romantic partners after a certain period. In my opinion NO ONE is 100% passable/stealth now days. I don't care how pretty or feminine a person is. If you are married to someone and living breathing eating 24.7 with them they will find out. Now for the first few months, it's easy and I don't mind dating someone for 6 months or so without them knowing but afterwards if they love me for me they will accept me. It's just hard to get over the fact.

I used to talk to a guy, then he told me he was trans and I never looked at him the same way. I almost felt disgusted, not cause he is trans but because he was born with female genital and I am totally heterosexual.

Quote from: nicolegn7 on April 23, 2015, 03:34:44 AM
5. **Controversial** what I am about to say but whatever. I pretend to have this stance where I don't believe in homosexuality, transgender etc. I say it's immoral and not God's plan. I act like I don't accept them but I always say "I don't hate them I just dont agree with their lifestyle. Im a catholic girl" I don't trash talk or anything but I always let it be known that I'm against that lifestyle. But im not out there with picket signs and constantly talking about it cause then it just makes you more suspicious.

I'm not proud of doing this, but I've done it. Because I'm male and I work mostly in manufacturing which isn't a gay or trans friendly environment usually. I'd rather keep my job than risk being outed as trans. I'm stealth and want to keep it that way.

Someones past and whether they choose to reveal it is totally their business.I transitioned in and stayed in the same  job so stealth there was never an option.Physically I'm tall but I pass and my voice is OK.It never was deep or resonant.These simple things afford me privileges in my daily life-I don't get stared  at,mocked, abused and my patients either dont know or if they do clock me,they dont care as they have other things on their minds.I'm lucky.Yet there are times when I wish that no-one who I didnt want to know knew.The desire for invisibility that some of us have is something i can totally relate to. But those folk who are out and proud,who are activists working for greater understanding and treatment of trans folk deserve and get my admiration and respect.

I respect peoples choices for how they decide to live their lives whether it be in stealth or not. It's a personal choice and there is no right or wrong answer. No one elected us as official activists and being an activist comes with its own risks and burdens. Not everyone is cut out for activism so it is unreasonable to think that we should all be expected to assume that role 24x7. With that said actions that could potentially bring harm to the community should be avoided if we choose not to openly advocate for the community - do no harm.

I came out at work in front of 60+ people so stealth for me is not an option. I am the company trans-girl for better or worse so I just accept what is and I try to educate people when the opportunity arises. I try to be a model employee so that I don't tarnish the reputation of trans people, because I know *that* is the yardstick that people will measure me by if I fail.

I am older with a sketchy voice so sooner or later people will figure it out and I just accept that inevitability, but in public where I'm just walking past people or going about my business no one pays me any attention.

In short i'm living my life without "transgender" pasted on my head, but i'm not denying it if asked. I am open to sharing my experience and in trying to educate people if asked. I know that I have certain things that will out me given enough time so I choose not to worry about it. I own my trans status.

I agree with alot of whats been said here. Everyone has their own valid points.
I dont think of it as "living stealth"...i use that lingo so we're talking on the same page, but there comes a time where stealth is an irrelevant term.
You go through surgeries, fix up your life, and move on with your outside and inside genders matching. In time the whole trans thing melts away and you become 'you'. You are you with properly functioning genitalia, and it matches your perception if yourself inside. You're no longer living stealth, just living your life...does that make sense?
Yes there are always going to be concerns...do they know, will someone from the past pop up and tell, but life isnt a soap opera. If you've gotten this far, you can get through anything.
The most important thing is to believe in yourself...commit to "you"...be you, own you and live you 24/7. Forget the past...throw out pics or whatever you have to do to distance yourself. Your mind is the biggest factor in your post-SRS success/happiness. Nowadays, I'm just another hockey mom and cougar.lol IRL you'd be hard pressed to tell me from the actress hudson leick(you can google her, shes from Xena). But I still feel a twang of insecurity around a hockey mom who's had work done, or a blazing hot 22 year old...but I'm happy with me, happy with my looks, and most of all I'm at ease with people because I made my life about interacting on a deeper level than who has the smaller foot, or who can get the skinniest. The more superficial you remain, the less happy you'll be overall because someone will always be prettier, thinner and have smaller feet. But if you're comfortable in your own skin and move beyond the physical/judging everyone, life opens up pretty great!

Stealth topics tend to crack me up a little. Those who are young and passable think they can fool the world and no one will ever know. You are just setting yourself up for a huge fall though. All it takes is one accident where you have a pelvic X ray, one promotion that requires an in depth background check, a DNA test for whatever reason, a legal incident from the past to catch up with you and so much more. I have a medical and Law Enforcement background and know just how much information is assimilated from birth to death and the ways that information can be revealed, leaked or posted. Do you really want to fool yourselves thinking no one will ever know then lose everything when the truth is revealed one way or another? Living silently without fanfare is one thing, but the days of true stealth are long gone. Technology has not only taken privacy away, but guarantees stealth, true stealth is long gone. I personally do not want to lose everything up to my life by not living true period. You can be silent and not volunteer information, but give a 13 year old a Hot Pocket, Mountain Dew and a laptop for 30 minutes or less and your stealth is gone. If you are transgender, your will always be transgender. There is no button on any keyboard for new identity and a fresh start.

So true Jessica. I am a lawyer and have worked on personal privacy issues for years and no matter how hard you try you can never truely lose your past. The amount of data that is out there on everyone is frightening.  Data aggregators have so much information on people and are more than willing to sell it. So if you have had your name changed through a legal process it can be discovered.

Me, I have been employed by the same employer for 27 years, so there is no opportunity for me to be stealth. Because stealth isn't an option for me I have elected to publicly come out and try to educate my co-workers and the public. I have allowed the local TV news affiliate of one of the big 3 networks to document the early parts of my transition so that the public can be educated on what we have to go through. I am hopeful that my efforts will lead to greater public understanding. 

I can only control myself and I won't judge how others want to handle their lives/transitions.  To each their own!

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 23, 2015, 09:18:29 PM
Stealth topics tend to crack me up a little. Those who are young and passable think they can fool the world and no one will ever know. You are just setting yourself up for a huge fall though. All it takes is one accident where you have a pelvic X ray, one promotion that requires an in depth background check, a DNA test for whatever reason, a legal incident from the past to catch up with you and so much more. I have a medical and Law Enforcement background and know just how much information is assimilated from birth to death and the ways that information can be revealed, leaked or posted. Do you really want to fool yourselves thinking no one will ever know then lose everything when the truth is revealed one way or another? Living silently without fanfare is one thing, but the days of true stealth are long gone. Technology has not only taken privacy away, but guarantees stealth, true stealth is long gone. I personally do not want to lose everything up to my life by not living true period. You can be silent and not volunteer information, but give a 13 year old a Hot Pocket, Mountain Dew and a laptop for 30 minutes or less and your stealth is gone. If you are transgender, your will always be transgender. There is no button on any keyboard for new identity and a fresh start.

Quote from: januarysunshine on June 23, 2015, 08:50:53 PM
I agree with alot of whats been said here. Everyone has their own valid points.
I dont think of it as "living stealth"...i use that lingo so we're talking on the same page, but there comes a time where stealth is an irrelevant term.
You go through surgeries, fix up your life, and move on with your outside and inside genders matching. In time the whole trans thing melts away and you become 'you'. You are you with properly functioning genitalia, and it matches your perception if yourself inside. You're no longer living stealth, just living your life...does that make sense?
Yes there are always going to be concerns...do they know, will someone from the past pop up and tell, but life isnt a soap opera. If you've gotten this far, you can get through anything.
The most important thing is to believe in yourself...commit to "you"...be you, own you and live you 24/7. Forget the past...throw out pics or whatever you have to do to distance yourself. Your mind is the biggest factor in your post-SRS success/happiness. Nowadays, I'm just another hockey mom and cougar.lol IRL you'd be hard pressed to tell me from the actress hudson leick(you can google her, shes from Xena). But I still feel a twang of insecurity around a hockey mom who's had work done, or a blazing hot 22 year old...but I'm happy with me, happy with my looks, and most of all I'm at ease with people because I made my life about interacting on a deeper level than who has the smaller foot, or who can get the skinniest. The more superficial you remain, the less happy you'll be overall because someone will always be prettier, thinner and have smaller feet. But if you're comfortable in your own skin and move beyond the physical/judging everyone, life opens up pretty great!

You talk as if surgeries are a requirement of transition, they are not. Some of us are unable to have SRS, some for financial reasons, some for reasons of personal choice, or like in my case, some for medical reasons. That doesn't mean I haven't changed as much as my documentation as I can, nor does it mean that I don't live the life of a woman.

And Jessica makes a good point about 'stealth', I once asked a private investigator how long it would take to find out if someone was trans or not - he replied about $500 and 48 hours..

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 23, 2015, 09:18:29 PM
Stealth topics tend to crack me up a little. Those who are young and passable think they can fool the world and no one will ever know. You are just setting yourself up for a huge fall though. All it takes is one accident where you have a pelvic X ray, one promotion that requires an in depth background check, a DNA test for whatever reason, a legal incident from the past to catch up with you and so much more. I have a medical and Law Enforcement background and know just how much information is assimilated from birth to death and the ways that information can be revealed, leaked or posted. Do you really want to fool yourselves thinking no one will ever know then lose everything when the truth is revealed one way or another? Living silently without fanfare is one thing, but the days of true stealth are long gone. Technology has not only taken privacy away, but guarantees stealth, true stealth is long gone. I personally do not want to lose everything up to my life by not living true period. You can be silent and not volunteer information, but give a 13 year old a Hot Pocket, Mountain Dew and a laptop for 30 minutes or less and your stealth is gone. If you are transgender, your will always be transgender. There is no button on any keyboard for new identity and a fresh start.

I think you're wrong.
I came out at 14, we moved states not long after & started blockers, HRT at 18 & SRS at 21.
My extended family are fantastic, its not big, but its close.

Outside of my family, there are 2 people who know.
My 2 very best friends, both of whom I trust to the end of the earth.

I do not use the same email accounts, last name (I have my mothers maiden name for one side).
I use social media, however I have 2 facebook accounts, both are set to very private and only started the second one when I had a trans person add me and comment on a few pics.
I don't share many photos, mainly due to I still see "guy" in my face, its something I don't believe will ever leave me.

Yes a 13yo could crack my case, but you know what, in order for that to happen you'll need to piss someone off pretty bad.

I've long felt "gutless" about trans issues when brought up in my day to day life. in fact I'm quite ashamed at the way I've kept myself back from it all over the last few years, I've even posted on here about how one of my friends is transphobic and it hurts that I don't say anything for fear of being outted.



The reason I told my 2 closest friends was because one asked why was I so shy with little things, yet so out going with others, one thought I had been abused when I was younger and we had a very D&M.

To the OP.. please give us updates! I want to live vicariously through you

Quote from: kelly_aus on June 24, 2015, 12:57:34 AM
You talk as if surgeries are a requirement of transition, they are not. Some of us are unable to have SRS, some for financial reasons, some for reasons of personal choice, or like in my case, some for medical reasons. That doesn't mean I haven't changed as much as my documentation as I can, nor does it mean that I don't live the life of a woman.

And Jessica makes a good point about 'stealth', I once asked a private investigator how long it would take to find out if someone was trans or not - he replied about $500 and 48 hours..

I wasn't speaking of SRS as the be-all-end-all of life fixing. I was just saying that the goal of the majority of trans people is to assimilate into society as best as possible, and for the majority that requires SRS...plus there's the issue of dysphoria and the severity thereof, so speaking for the severely dysphoric, SRS is a necessity, not an option. But to each her own...

I think the private det was blowing smoke. I've had every record changed including ones that are 'impossible' to change, like the IRS....Once you know how they work, they screw themselves. The Social Security Admin is another one...completely impossible to deal with, but once  you do work through the red-tape to not just get a new card with proper marker attached, you can go back and have the old records purged. All it takes is having everything performed 15 years prior to retirement, because all the elder-programs you qualify for at retirement are based on SS earnings/info, and can only go back 15 years. Hell, I've even had a new degree issued from my highschool and college--they were perfectly cooperative. I can't go and track down every yearbook pic where I might be glimpsed in the corner of someone else's pic--looking like me, only not so fabulous lol...but I've changed my legal name 3 times now between my SRS and 2 marriages...and that's all among 3 different continents too. If any private eye could burn through all that and actually come up with concrete, irrefutable proof of my being transgendered, I'd say bravo to him/her. And also, if someone is *that* determined to *prove* someone is transgendered, 1)what does that say about the stalker? Maybe get a life? and 2)if after all the record changes and name changes, etc.  if I'm confronted with actual irrefutable proof of my being transgendered, I can own it and be fine with it. Being stealth is just a more convenient  way of being because it takes so damn long to explain to people just what it means to be trans.

I get being circumspect, and believe me I've been betrayed by friends in the past. But I honestly think a part of the dysphoria we go through is from lack of accepting ourselves. How psychologically damaging is it to hide from everyone post transition? Not everyone is accepting and I absolutely don't advocate getting scarlet T's or whatever, but it feels to me like yet another denial of self for something that isn't wrong or bad in the first place.
There's a difference between discarding everything about who you are and just starting over somewhere new. Finding new friends and work is always important. Reevaluating what's important to you and redefining yourself is part of the pursuit of self-betterment. Just don't let yourself ever be ashamed of who you are. Don't involve yourself with bigots and you don't have to completely isolate yourself.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Obfuskatie on June 25, 2015, 09:57:07 AM
I get being circumspect, and believe me I've been betrayed by friends in the past. But I honestly think a part of the dysphoria we go through is from lack of accepting ourselves. How psychologically damaging is it to hide from everyone post transition? Not everyone is accepting and I absolutely don't advocate getting scarlet T's or whatever, but it feels to me like yet another denial of self for something that isn't wrong or bad in the first place.
There's a difference between discarding everything about who you are and just starting over somewhere new. Finding new friends and work is always important. Reevaluating what's important to you and redefining yourself is part of the pursuit of self-betterment. Just don't let yourself ever be ashamed of who you are. Don't involve yourself with bigots and you don't have to completely isolate yourself.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Oh God are you my long lost twin or something? I spent hours writing a post rather like this earlier today only to delete it because I felt it might not come across in the right way, but you've summed it up very nicely.

My gut on this, from the perspective of 3 decades in, is why go through all that to swap one uncomfortable closet for another? Why exchange one lie (that we really are our birth gender) for another (that we never had any treatment or transition). The truth is the truth whether we like it or not, and living with a lie is just as psychologically damaging post-transition as it is pre-transition.

As a trainee medic I now know quite a few psychiatrists. Some of them would tell you that they see a fair few "stealth" transpeople. Often their own lack of self acceptance eats away at them, because the one person they cant hide the truth from is themsleves. The same shrinks see far fewer who are being reasonably open. Go figure. Indeed some doctors are now questioning if the intention to try to live in absolute stealth should be seen as a contra-indication to treatment...

For me the freedom I get from striking a sensible balance between openess and discretion vastly outweighs any negatives or risks. Obviously its an individuals free choice, but I affraid the medical evidence is clearly there that being too secretive is not entirely healthy.

I really like what Katie and Jenny said and it makes total sense. I hope though that my living stealth doesnt come off as pathological? I began this journey in a small town and my fam said no way was it going to fly here....so I kept to myself, assumed my new gender with new people while avoiding old acquaintences...and then left to start living free. I could be me, and there was no risk of being outed or made to feel different. The point of the whole journey for me was to assimilate and not be different. Im ok with disclosing if i had a partner who wanted kids or if medically necessary, but by dwelling on my being different in some way, i felt robbed me of the entire point of the trip, which was to get my brain and body to match up. To me, the surgical part is no more relevant to someone else than telling them i had a hemorrhoid removed or bunion surgery--its not like it changed the fundamental core of me...i was me no matter my physical issue.

I also agree that alot of people think trans=icky...which is wrong and mean, so if i can livw not being made to feel that way, then why not?

Quote from: januarysunshine on June 25, 2015, 10:04:58 PM
I really like what Katie and Jenny said and it makes total sense. I hope though that my living stealth doesnt come off as pathological? I began this journey in a small town and my fam said no way was it going to fly here....so I kept to myself, assumed my new gender with new people while avoiding old acquaintences...and then left to start living free. I could be me, and there was no risk of being outed or made to feel different. The point of the whole journey for me was to assimilate and not be different. Im ok with disclosing if i had a partner who wanted kids or if medically necessary, but by dwelling on my being different in some way, i felt robbed me of the entire point of the trip, which was to get my brain and body to match up. To me, the surgical part is no more relevant to someone else than telling them i had a hemorrhoid removed or bunion surgery--its not like it changed the fundamental core of me...i was me no matter my physical issue.

I also agree that alot of people think trans=icky...which is wrong and mean, so if i can livw not being made to feel that way, then why not?

Try to think of it this way; you were born your chosen gender, it's making the necessary adjustments to your body and perspective that was hard. AMAB and AFAB are only as significant as a cursory glance usually. There's plenty of scientific evidence supporting gender as immutable as sexual orientation. Neither are socialized.
There's nothing wrong with being stealth, and it can be necessary for safety purposes in some places. I wish there weren't so many close minded jerks, but they don't get to dictate how I feel about my body. I feel like shame is a significant motivating factor for wanting to blend in, but there's no other case where kind people would suggest for you set yourself aside and hide key aspects to yourself that have colored your experiences and perspectives.
For me, the whole point of my transition is because I couldn't keep lying to myself and others. I felt like no one knew me, because I didn't let them. I couldn't endure it alone anymore, even though I was terrified of rejection. But that's me, and everyone has their own story and own truth. I just hope y'all remember to be kind to yourselves too, which is still one of the harder things for me.
Oh, and I'm glad you agree Jenny. Sometimes I just get frustrated with some of the pessimism much of us jaded people engage in. I'd rather seem naive and cling to optimism than give up, simply because I like who I am better when I can hope and wish and dream. I wouldn't be where I am today without them.

     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Obfuskatie on June 26, 2015, 11:09:43 AM
Try to think of it this way; you were born your chosen gender, it's making the necessary adjustments to your body and perspective that was hard. AMAB and AFAB are only as significant as a cursory glance usually. There's plenty of scientific evidence supporting gender as immutable as sexual orientation. Neither are socialized.
There's nothing wrong with being stealth, and it can be necessary for safety purposes in some places. I wish there weren't so many close minded jerks, but they don't get to dictate how I feel about my body. I feel like shame is a significant motivating factor for wanting to blend in, but there's no other case where kind people would suggest for you set yourself aside and hide key aspects to yourself that have colored your experiences and perspectives.
For me, the whole point of my transition is because I couldn't keep lying to myself and others. I felt like no one knew me, because I didn't let them. I couldn't endure it alone anymore, even though I was terrified of rejection. But that's me, and everyone has their own story and own truth. I just hope y'all remember to be kind to yourselves too, which is still one of the harder things for me.
Oh, and I'm glad you agree Jenny. Sometimes I just get frustrated with some of the pessimism much of us jaded people engage in. I'd rather seem naive and cling to optimism than give up, simply because I like who I am better when I can hope and wish and dream. I wouldn't be where I am today without them.

     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hold on to that optimism it will serve you well I've found.

It is possible not to get jaded - and it is possible to live in a way which does not mark one out but is authentic.

I have lost track of the number of people who've tried to tell me that as someone openly trans I'll never get on, I'll never have a family, I'll never manage to do this that or the other. When people do this now I feel like the Queen in Lewis Carolls Alice in Wonderland

"Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'

I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!"

For truly I have not been particularly stealthy and yet I have been fully accepted as a woman, I enjoy a rich social life, I have more friends in influential positions than I can keep up with, I've enjoyed a stellar and varied career... in short I spent my whole life doing things that people insist are impossible, because I don't for one second believe that they are. They are only impossible if someone is fool enough to believe that.

As you say there are a few situations in which discretion is necessary for self preservation, but where I have found myself in such situations I have invested every fiber of my being in getting out without delay. If people wish to be jerks they can do so without me, and I am arrogant enough to believe that in the longterm it will be their loss not mine.

I do not have a pessimistic cell in my body. My experience is that things ALWAYS do work out, if you only have the faith and determination to work with events and carpe diem! Fortune favours the brave, you get no points for being stupid, timid, or lazy!

Finally as I have said before we must all learn to love who and waht we are, because when the chips are down thats all we really have. Anything else is an illusion and will fail us. The truth, is real and dependable, what we become when we love and accept ourselves truly, is a shining beacon of light and hope, and most people find that attractive.

So let your lights shine out! Be who you are. It really is the best way. I have tested this advice to destruction over 30 years and I would not give it if I was not confident in it. When you live in the truth, the universe does test your resolve from time to time, but if you stand firm and pass the test, it also rewards you richly.

I would not swap my life for anyone else's, be they trans or cis.

Quote from: Nicole on June 24, 2015, 01:48:32 AM
I think you're wrong.
I came out at 14, we moved states not long after & started blockers, HRT at 18 & SRS at 21.
Outside of my family, there are 2 people who know.

Except for the lab staff, hospital staff, O.R. staff, unit clerks, transport people, insurance people, medical coders, court clerks and staff, judges, DMV, social security.....shall I go on?

That is more than two people and leaks of information do occur. How do you account for celebrities being outed or their histories disclosed to social media? Just food for thought! Far more than two people know sweetie! :)

a lot from when I needed to go to court to get on blockers was suppressed by law. There was a new story on it, but they couldn't show even blackout vision of me or mum.

my doctor knows, but often forgets, the nurses/office staff don't.

No one has outted me, no one has a want or need to out me and I hope I dob't give them a reason.
I'm sitting here now with my very best friend, someone who I trust more than myself with this.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 26, 2015, 08:29:40 PM
How do you account for celebrities being outed or their histories disclosed to social media? Just food for thought!

That's 1 of the reasons I'm glad I'm not a celebrity, celebrities are a different breed.
My husband knows, close family, to everybody else I'm just another boring housewife at the shopping mall.

Also, having worked at News Ltd for a number of years, I can tell you that there are people paid to "research" into the past of anyone who is up & coming.

Me, I doubt anyone would need a reason to look that deep into my life

Quote from: Nicole on June 27, 2015, 05:37:43 PM
Also, having worked at News Ltd for a number of years, I can tell you that there are people paid to "research" into the past of anyone who is up & coming.

Me, I doubt anyone would need a reason to look that deep into my life

This is pretty much the entire gist of stealth in a nutshell. Unless we go looking for a high-profile life, there's no reason why we can't be stealth to whatever degree we're comfortable with. If you choose to not disclose to a future-husband, that would be understandable--especially if your family is supportive....same here.

Where I panicked was when I was signed to do beauty pageants. I dropped out after a short time before all the sponsors were signed and the pageant clothes sent to me....I knew any bit of celebrity would come with the risk of disclosure/exposure. Also why I did not date any famous guys....I've met several who were interested but I've always had to turn them down under the guise that I had a bf/husband, and I just had to live with the pleasure of knowing that so-and-so wanted to take me out. For me, remaining stealth means living a quiet life...Other girls may be more outgoing/daring and more open to revealing their trans status, but like I've said, I just wanted a birth defect corrected and to go about my normal little humdrum, soccer-mom life.

I'm stealth at work and in public, but I'm not obsessed with it. At least I think I'm stealth at work, they probably talk about me when I'm not around, I really don't know, or care, but it's not the sort of work environment where you can talk about people's lifestyle anyway without getting in a lot of trouble.

I have an acquaintance who is very afraid of people discovering who she is. For example, my Facebook page has some trans references on it, so she will not let me link to her due to her fear of someone making the association. It seems to take up a lot of her life. I support her right to privacy (to the point where I have kept her secret from mutual acquantances for years and years only to find out she told them a long time ago - which made me wonder what her concept of a secret is), but when it's to the point of paranoia, I have to wonder.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 23, 2015, 09:18:29 PM
Stealth topics tend to crack me up a little. Those who are young and passable think they can fool the world and no one will ever know. You are just setting yourself up for a huge fall though. All it takes is one accident where you have a pelvic X ray, one promotion that requires an in depth background check, a DNA test for whatever reason, a legal incident from the past to catch up with you and so much more. I have a medical and Law Enforcement background and know just how much information is assimilated from birth to death and the ways that information can be revealed, leaked or posted. Do you really want to fool yourselves thinking no one will ever know then lose everything when the truth is revealed one way or another? Living silently without fanfare is one thing, but the days of true stealth are long gone. Technology has not only taken privacy away, but guarantees stealth, true stealth is long gone. I personally do not want to lose everything up to my life by not living true period. You can be silent and not volunteer information, but give a 13 year old a Hot Pocket, Mountain Dew and a laptop for 30 minutes or less and your stealth is gone. If you are transgender, your will always be transgender. There is no button on any keyboard for new identity and a fresh start.

so are we supposed to walk with a sign on our foreheads - "I am trans"? In all honesty, my medical history is no one's business.

Quote from: primrose on August 29, 2015, 02:47:45 PM
so are we supposed to walk with a sign on our foreheads - "I am trans"? In all honesty, my medical history is no one's business.

No need for a sign.. Just be aware that should someone go digging, or get someone else to go digging, that things will turn up. In many places, a name change is a matter of public record. Having a full background check done for employment purposes may disclose things you didn't think would.

I'm currently waiting for a security clearance to go through and I had to mention my name change, a detail that clearly 'outed' me.. Do I care? Not at all, I'd rather have the job and the job requires the security clearance. Where I live, even a simple police check will out me. No big deal, my past is what it is and I have no guilt or shame because of it - or the changes I've made in my life.