Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone at Susans place,
the crux of my issue is that my life is largely good, but I sometimes end up with an internal war between my masculine and feminine sides.
How does one achieve Gender Resolution? How does one get clarification on whether to transition or not.
When I was a child the inner girl had some expression and so did the boy - the conflict was minimal I felt no dysphoria.On Sunday I went to Sunday School- during the week I prayed that there could be a way I could be a girl.
With the onset of puberty and natural androgens a male identity locked in. I consciously put away the girl & got on with life. She has visited me over the years but not in an insistent  and painful way until 2015. My feminine side was easy to ignore and suppress for 3 decades until age 46.
The angst, unease & dissatisfaction drove me to a psychiatrist & psychologist. Therapy + HRT brought great relief & a sense of euphoria. I had not felt this good for years. This was November 2015.
I thought I might be better off as my feminine self - I thought maybe I should transition. I didn't seek an official diagnosis on purpose- I wanted to go back to "normal" if I was wrong. My Gender Therapist challenged me about transition. At that stage I wasn't dressing & she asked me my feminine name- I replied Kirsten. She asked me if I wanted to start a transition. I said no- I don't know if it would work or whether it would make me happier. 
I tried to achieve clarification. I started exploring &expressing my feminine side more. Women's clothes part time, makeup, hanging out with the girls at work spending time with trans people. It felt liberating. My masculine side was still operating for work, being a husband, father. I thought I would just try and push the female envelope to see how far the rabbit hole went.
I had laser on my face and body.Had electrolysis. Started skin care. Grew breasts - wore a bra, lost weight, started growing my hair.
Started practicing a feminine voice. I told key people ( friends of my wife so she had support).
As I became more feminine and my wife noticed the change a train wreck started with family life. My wife and I kept talking and came to an agreement to stop HRT .
In 2017 I stopped HRT - I had already curbed my drinking in 2016.  2017 was dedicated to a natural as possible existence - improving marriage and finding balance with my Yin & Yang.
Through 2017 it took nearly a year for my endocrine system & mental state to become fully male again.
The angst, unease & dissatisfaction started to return- I dealt with it in a gentle health positive manner- maintaining good physical and mental health as much as possible. People had told me if you don't have to transition then don't.
That said on the first of January 2018 I was back on HRT until now. The inner woman can be gentle yet relentless. The distraction became an issue so I took the soft option of HRT - it really does take the edge off.
While I to and fro over transition estrogen is working its magic. I feel like I'm not misssing the boat. I like to hedge my bets - I dont have to transition but I can if I want to. I insisted on full dose HRT - if I need to transition - then good - if I dont then good. My therapist calls me a fence sitter.
My family life brings satifaction and I give quiet thanks every day-my life is largely very good.
I just wish I could gain solid clarification on transition - yes or no.
Can anybody tell me how does one obtain clarification?
Best regards Kirsten. x

Kirsten,

I can only speak for myself. Your story is very similar to my own and many others here, with minor details, of course.

Yes, there are down sides to transition and we all must balance what we gain by what we lose when we transition. Some of us have accepting spouses, who regard their spouse as just another female family member. I was not so fortunate, as I am now in the process of divorce.

I struggled for years, trying to be "normal". I was miserable, but I endured because of family obligations. Later on, the domestic situation changed to the point where we were living separate lives, but under the same roof. Add to this certain medical and psychological issues and soon enough, I was on the road to transition.

When the feelings that I had became so overwhelming and my personal situation allowed transition to happen, I just decided one day to do it. Many of us cope with our feelings with something less than full transition, such as occasional cross dressing, but for me, I found this to be less than satisfying. I needed to transition and start a new life.

If you still have any doubts about transition, then don't. When you absolutely need to transition and it becomes overwhelming, the decision to transition just happens. When it happens, you will know it. Just listen to your inner self.

Thanks so much for the reply Dani. That does make me feel better about where Im at. It is true I often have serious doubts about transition.
With much appreciation, Kirsten.

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I am sharing the same fence with you.  I have said that I'm gender fluid, I am comfortable as either gender but more on the feminine side. As I have progressed with hrt and have experienced changes, both physically and mentally, I am now exploring the thought that maybe my fluid thoughts was just a crutch, a step, a reach for a need that isn't there any longer.  Did I need to hold onto that past to make it easier?  By the definition of transition, we are changing from one gender to the other and all stops in between.  Have I made a revelation for myself...time will tell.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

I think the answer will become clear. My dysphoria came in waves. It started with sexual desires, then came desire for female sexual characteristics, until finally one day I just blurted out to my long term girlfriend that I was transgender.

I was definitely deeply repressing my feelings, but no matter how many times I tried to hand wave these feelings came back. I trust you to know and make the right decision Kirsten, just don't be like me and use your non-binary identity (i am bigender) to put off being true to yourself. I had good reasons to repress, but it is still hard not look at it as wasted time.

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Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on July 09, 2018, 01:37:12 AM
I just wish I could gain solid clarification on transition - yes or no.
Can anybody tell me how does one obtain clarification?

What you are asking is to predict the future: "Will I be happy?"  Well, the basic fact of life is that no one can predict the future.  You check your parachute, then you jump and hope for the best.  That's what everyone does, even those who seem so self-assured.

I am not saying you should transition.  That's a decision only you can make.

It is not clear from your post what the down side of transition is for you.  I am guessing that you encountered pressure from your family.  That can be a valid reason not to transition, but only if it is what you want and choose freely.  Is it?

Thank you so much for the reply Jessica. It does feel much better to share this with others like yourself. It seems it's not totally uncommon to be between genders. It seems it's possible to keep expressing oneself and naturally find oneself on the feminine side.
I really value your passed on experience.
Kirsten.

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Thank you for your reply Kathy Lauren. I really do admire people who leap off the cliff - they come out to everyone - they have no choice but to follow through. They don't even know if the transition will work- but they get it done and rarely detransition.
I stand in awe at that approach, the conviction and determination. I just can't fathom the leap of faith required to dive into such a perilous & uncertain situation.
I can understand the incremental baby step approach though.
I also appreciate your comment on family pressure.I nearly lost them once already. I would love to have my cake and eat it too. I wish I could freely express my feminine self & not lose my loved ones.
Kindest regards, Kirsten.

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Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on July 10, 2018, 05:01:59 AM
I stand in awe at that approach, the conviction and determination. I just can't fathom the leap of faith required to dive into such a perilous & uncertain situation.

When you think about it, that's what you do every time you cross a street.  Transition is just a different street.

My dysphoria would come and go...Sometimes I would forget about it and thought I was just confused and then it would come back. To the point where the thoughts were unbearable and mentally draining. Trying to be a masculine man was out of the question when I realized going to the gym was giving me HUGE dysphoria. I had to do something about it...I tried quitting the gym...But then I started having suicidal thoughts and that finally led me to realize the gender identity issues would never go away. I figured if I'm gonna end up realizing in 30 years that I still needed to transition and that this never went away, I might as well just do it now while I'm still young.

So I did, I'm full time now and it's been a huge struggle, mostly because I lost my relationship due to this and I'm still coping with that. Besides that, it's been relatively easy. Although HRT is kicking my ass right now, I'm too emotional and sad.

Quote from: Dani on July 09, 2018, 06:49:30 AM
Kirsten,

When the feelings that I had became so overwhelming and my personal situation allowed transition to happen, I just decided one day to do it. Many of us cope with our feelings with something less than full transition, such as occasional cross dressing, but for me, I found this to be less than satisfying. I needed to transition and start a new life.

If you still have any doubts about transition, then don't. When you absolutely need to transition and it becomes overwhelming, the decision to transition just happens. When it happens, you will know it. Just listen to your inner self.

Hello Kirsten

My position is quite close to Dani's. I thought I could "manage" the situation by burying the GD and bodyshaving and crossdressing all my adult life.

Later family and employment issues resolved, I expected the status quo to continue. However the GD became so dominant, that I had to seek help by therapy and then HRT which started 8Feb. At this time I still had no intention of social transition but a few months later I realize that transition in 2019 will probably be inevitable since, as I feel the benefits of HRT my motivation to socially transition increases.

I agree you should know if and when the time is right.

Wishing you happiness

Pamela

I realized that I bounced back and forth between depression and happiness, but always centered on depression.  Happiness was always temporary, and I came back to depression.  I would bypass being content.  I transitioned to find contentment.  I still get depressed and things still make me happy, but my day to day life always centers on contentment.  That's how I knew it was time.

Hi Kirsten,

I have been fighting gender dysphoria all my life! I have been on HRT on and off for 20 years! I have never transitioned and have the support of my psychiatrist. There are many AMAB trans feminine people who still present as male but we have a woman's body underneath our clothes. Some have breasts and have had bottom surgery and still present as male! It's not always the best solution, but we can still work in our chosen profession and keep our family and friends with us! There is no reason to do anything other than what works for you! Good luck with your journey!

Riki

Quote from: Lady Love on July 09, 2018, 02:05:30 PM
I think the answer will become clear. My dysphoria came in waves. It started with sexual desires, then came desire for female sexual characteristics, until finally one day I just blurted out to my long term girlfriend that I was transgender.

I was definitely deeply repressing my feelings, but no matter how many times I tried to hand wave these feelings came back. I trust you to know and make the right decision Kirsten, just don't be like me and use your non-binary identity (i am bigender) to put off being true to yourself. I had good reasons to repress, but it is still hard not look at it as wasted time.

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LadyLove thank you for your reply and I apologize for my slow reply. I am hoping to gain clarification as I travel down the path of HRT. In any case my life is better running on estrogen. If I can keep wife and family onside I'm happy  to present female as I need to. I would rather be a woman full time and be able to pass. I don't really want to be non binary but circumstance dictates I must be part time.
I hate to pry but did your girlfriend stay?
I would love to hear how your life is post transition.
Thanks again for passing on your thoughts.
Take care til next time Lady Love- kind regards Kirsten.

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on July 09, 2018, 01:37:12 AM
> My therapist calls me a fence sitter.

Professionals have specialized education, experience, access to medical and other background details - and I don't.  So I hesitate to question a professional's opinion.  But I deeply dislike hearing anyone called a "fence sitter" as that assumes a gender binary with a precise dividing line.  I also disagree with certain aspects of WPATH and I believe those standards will evolve in the future.

Drive your life with long term decisions you'll be glad you made when you look back at today.  Your best answer may land you in a traditional gender role or not, for awhile or forever.  Define and determine what will bring you the most fulfilling future and pursue it based on your definition.

Kendra

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on July 09, 2018, 01:37:12 AM
Hi everyone at Susans place,
the crux of my issue is that my life is largely good, but I sometimes end up with an internal war between my masculine and feminine sides.
How does one achieve Gender Resolution? My feminine side was easy to ignore and suppress for 3 decades until age 46
The angst, unease & dissatisfaction drove me to a psychiatrist & psychologist. Therapy + HRT brought great relief & a sense of euphoria. I had not felt this good for years. This was November 2015.
I thought I might be better off as my feminine self - I thought maybe I should transition. I didn't seek an official diagnosis on purpose- I wanted to go back to "normal" if I was wrong. My Gender Therapist challenged me about transition. At that stage I wasn't dressing & she asked me my feminine name- I replied Kirsten. She asked me if I wanted to start a transition. I said no- I don't know if it would work or whether it would make me happier. 
I tried to achieve clarification. My masculine side was still operating for work, being a husband, father. I thought I would just try and push the female envelope to see how far the rabbit hole went.
I had laser on my face and body.Had electrolysis. Started skin care. Grew breasts - wore a bra, lost weight, started growing my hair.
Started practicing a feminine voice. I told key people ( friends of my wife so she had support).
As I became more feminine and my wife noticed the change a train wreck started with family life. My wife and I kept talking and came to an agreement to stop HRT .
In 2017 I stopped HRT - I had already curbed my drinking in 2016.  2017 was dedicated to a natural as possible existence - improving marriage and finding balance with my Yin & Yang.
Through 2017 it took nearly a year for my endocrine system & mental state to becomep fully male again.
The angst, unease & dissatisfaction8 started to return- I dealt with it in a gentle health positive manner- maintaining good physical and mental health as much as possible. People had told me if you don't have to transition then don't.
That said on the first of January 2018 I was back on HRT until now. The inner woman can be gentle yet relentless. The distraction became an issue so I took the soft option of HRT - it really does take the edge off.
While I to and fro over transition estrogen is working its magic. I feel like I'm not misssing the boat. I like to hedge my bets - I dont have to transition but I can if I want to. I insisted on full dose HRT - if I need to transition - then good - if I dont then good. My therapist calls me a fence sitter.
My family life brings satifaction and I give quiet thanks every day-my life is largely very good.
I just wish I could gain solid clarification on transition - yes or no.
Can anybody tell me how does one obtain clarification?
Best regards Kirsten. x

Some of your stuff is really vague here.
I Want to bring up some key points.
If you ever doubted the opinions then you should've gotten a second one from another therapist. I also think you should've seeked marriage counseling before HRT and cleared this issue up with your wife and family.
Also you had what you wanted and you were happy, but then you got guilt tripped by a family member. This caused you to purge, which, was common for me cross dressing until I made up my mind due to financial reasons to stop purging my clothes.
You have already achieved more than most people here transition wise and you still want to clarify, but you were happy when you had achieved being a woman.
Your problem is acceptance and you are at a fork in the road deciding which path to take.
If I were you the choice is clear, and that's I do not want to regret my decision on my death bed. This is one of the reasons why it is suggested that you do your research before you jump then. If you put your self through hell once why do it again?
One final question remains are you .....  the male or are you Kirsten the female, this is your choice, and only you can decide who you are not your wife or family. Acceptance starts with you then time works with your family when they see you're happy. However, we all go into this knowing the consequences, and you should be well aware of the risks of losing family if they don't accept you.
I am done.

Quote from: Coffeedrew on November 21, 2018, 09:47:16 PM
Some of your stuff is really vague here.
I Want to bring up some key points.
If you ever doubted the opinions then you should've gotten a second one from another therapist. I also think you should've seeked marriage counseling before HRT and cleared this issue up with your wife and family.
Also you had what you wanted and you were happy, but then you got guilt tripped by a family member. This caused you to purge, which, was common for me cross dressing until I made up my mind due to financial reasons to stop purging my clothes.
You have already achieved more than most people here transition wise and you still want to clarify, but you were happy when you had achieved being a woman.
Your problem is acceptance and you are at a fork in the road deciding which path to take.
If I were you the choice is clear, and that's I do not want to regret my decision on my death bed. This is one of the reasons why it is suggested that you do your research before you jump then. If you put your self through hell once why do it again?
One final question remains are you .....  the male or are you Kirsten the female, this is your choice, and only you can decide who you are not your wife or family. Acceptance starts with you then time works with your family when they see you're happy. However, we all go into this knowing the consequences, and you should be well aware of the risks of losing family if they don't accept you.
I am done.

Thank you for your input  Coffeedrew,

"
If you ever doubted the opinions then you should've gotten a second one from another therapist. "

I consulted multiple professionals with experience in gender transitions. In the area where I live there is only one gender therapist. I spoke to various prescribing doctors with experience in gender transition to gain a rounded idea of what happens in real life experience. I spoke to trans people face to face - that is a huge education in its self as every trans experience is quite different. Aside from medical professionals I undertook a massive research mission of my own initiative - this was particularly valuable in understanding the condition and how to deal with it. It kept me afloat while I was being consumed by the runaway monster of gender dysphoria. In the end I read the equivalent of a small library of biographies, medical texts, essays, websites, scientific papers- I know a lot about the condition- not so much about how to cure it.

I couldn't draw any solid conclusions from therapy I thought it might boil down to yes you are trans - you need to transition or no your not dont worry about it.  That is not how it works. You must dig deep and know in your heart and mind if it is worth pursuing. A transition can come at great cost.

" I also think you should've seeked marriage counseling before HRT and cleared this issue up with your wife and family."


My wife and I had marriage counseling with regards to the Gender Dysphoria condition right from the start and it saved our marriage. My wife has known everything from the beginning but this doesn't solve the damage transition can do to a marriage - even with counseling most marriages fail when a transition is undertaken.

Am I happy being a woman? - yes if others enjoy it with me - especially family. I have worked hard and I am thankful for my wife and two sons & real estate property s. Life is very good on the whole but gender dysphoria always lurks. I now have knowledge and a toolkit of tricks I use to keep the show on the road- it is a balancing act. Normal life is a balancing act. I work & present public as male & free time as female - it works for now.

The way I approach things is keeping a clear priority list and dealing with issues accordingly. HRT is a potent magic bullet for minimizing distraction, maintaining positive/ buoyant frame of mind & not suppressing the female self.

I do realize the cross gender feelings get stronger with age but I feel confident & able to deal with it in due time. I have no regrets at this stage- I feel I have done the right thing & I have learnt a lot.

HRT and presenting female is not hell- I do have an unresolved gender going back to 1974 that I can remember. I like my life and so far have no regrets. The clarity others have is elusive for me but I'm not complaining.

Thank you Coffeedrew for the" to the point" post by the way - an upfront post can be worth 10 sugary ones!


  Kindest regards,  Kirsten.

I am most interested in your transition as I am in the same headspace. More specifically, I really care about being able to keep my career and my wife. It seems like your wife was on board, so what happened? Mine is also on board - she married the person not the man - but we haven't started transitioning so we haven't tested that idea yet.

I once had a coworker tell me not to over think things the boss tells me. I felt that was pretty solid advice, for me. My transition (HRT) has allowed me to explore my womanly feelings with out repercussion at home.I have co-workers at work who still think I am a male because I have not came out at work. This really gets to me gender dysphoria wise, and because I think of myself as a female in a male costume at work because like you I have to play a masculine role, and mine is the big guy helping women lift furniture, so ironic,  I know. HRT was the biggest reward for me to align how I felt all my life.I have a journal with words of feelings before HRT, and my comment about going through hell was reliving that nightmare again (Pre HRT).I understand it's a validation for some to go on hrt and go off it again to see how you felt.I think you are brave and honest, and you have my respect for that. I said acceptance because you were a male, and  you have that role figured out sometimes we can get caught back into it because that's what we know, and that conflicts with new feelings/ role which causes gender dysphoria.I have struggled with this since before puberty. On my 26 birthday I was doing heavy research into transitioning and I came across this study. It said something about the older people get the harder it is to transition. I made a choice that I wasn't going to do that after I start a family.My transition comes first, and then I will start a family once I am me.

TLDR Do I still get gender dysphoria? Yes, however, HRT and transitioning has let me manage it better than before.I know that provides a clarification for me to continue down this path.
I hope my insight can help you clarify or at least help you move in a different direction.
I am not mad or angry if I might have came off that way in the post before.I was confused.
I really do wish you the best.
Love, coffeedrew.

You are a champion Coffeedrew. That last post is also a gem. Very good point about not overthinking things- just do it & enjoy it for what it is. Have you ever checked out Natalie Reed and the Null Hypothesis? Natalie transitioned MTF while asking the question "how do I know Im really trans?" & "should I transition?"

Her answer was "you dont know for sure."

Please dont hesitate to pass on any transitioning tips you discover.

Yours truly, Kirsten

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Quote from: Maya2018 on November 22, 2018, 09:59:02 AM
I am most interested in your transition as I am in the same headspace. More specifically, I really care about being able to keep my career and my wife. It seems like your wife was on board, so what happened? Mine is also on board - she married the person not the man - but we haven't started transitioning so we haven't tested that idea yet.

Hi Maya,
               I would love to compare notes.PM me anytime or even on the forum.

I am modelling my transition on Jan Morris or Jenny Boylan. I am hedging my bets. Dysphoria had me on my knees once in 2015 and I expect it to get stronger. That means Im on HRT now and dressing female in my spare time. If transition becomes unavoidable at least everyone knows about it - my family knows they are my priority and hopefully love will conquer adversity.

I dont need to rush right now -I hope I have enough in place before crunch time down the track.

Jan Morris transitioned on estrogen for 10 years before SRS.

My life is good I'm not complaining - the black dog of dysphoria is on the leash for now.

Would love to hear from you,  Kirsten.

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My marriage did not survive my changing.  We did not know at the time that I was on the way to become a woman.  What What I can now reflect on, is that I was getting angrier and angrier all the time, and finally drove my wife of almost 36 years away.  I don't know if counseling would have helped, my wife always tried to get me into an anger management program, but I did not want to. 
Anyway, if I could turn the time back, I would do everything possible to continue may marriage, even if this would have required to put the woman back into the closet again!  I would have found a way to control my anger, I am pretty sure about that.
What do I have now?  I am almost a woman, a lonely woman at this, who has a lot of friends, but they go home in the evening, and I am alone again!  This is not the life I was hoping for and dreaming of.
I am pretty good friends with my ex now, but she is living with another man, and I know that she will never come back to me!

I think the price I paid to be a woman is way to high for me!

I can only recommend to think about every step of this transition, and make sure that your wife is with you for every one of them.  I wish I would have done this!

Good luck for you journey!

Kirsten-  I am kind of doing similar.  On initial hrt dosage levels, permanently removing facial hair, going to therapy on occasion and attending support group functions.  I see my transition as a gentle slide into eventually living full time as a woman over the next 5-10 years.  No definite plan, no reservations about changing things as needed.  This has given my wife time to catch up with slow changes, and she is now fine with going out with me presenting female.  hrt has definitely taken the edge off the dysphoria, and i have no plans to quit it, ever.

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on November 23, 2018, 01:56:33 AM
You are a champion Coffeedrew. That last post is also a gem. Very good point about not overthinking things- just do it & enjoy it for what it is. Have you ever checked out Natalie Reed and the Null Hypothesis? Natalie transitioned MTF while asking the question "how do I know Im really trans?" & "should I transition?"

Her answer was "you dont know for sure."

Please dont hesitate to pass on any transitioning tips you discover.

Yours truly, Kirsten

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I will read those.

A point about being happy though. I would avoid your goals in life ever just being "to be happy". That's not a goal, it's an undefined nebula. Without definition, a point B to your point A, how will you navigate it? So many people think happiness is a goal in itself. It's not, it's things you do that lead to happiness, which is a by-product state of mind. I knew I had to avoid thinking transition would equal happiness for this reason, it's just a process, and happiness had to come from a real physical change in the way I was living my life.

Resolving whether or not you need/want to do it will probably just be a matter of time and sieving the idea for a bit if it's not an imperative. I did learn that trying to hold on too tightly to control over people and situations regarding transition was really a waste of time; better served by not holding on so tightly and sometimes just letting go or letting things develop. Even the untenable situation of relationships being incompatible can ease up surprisingly. 

Quote from: Kylo on November 27, 2018, 03:09:26 AM
A point about being happy though. I would avoid your goals in life ever just being "to be happy". That's not a goal, it's an undefined nebula. Without definition, a point B to your point A, how will you navigate it? So many people think happiness is a goal in itself. It's not, it's things you do that lead to happiness, which is a by-product state of mind. I knew I had to avoid thinking transition would equal happiness for this reason, it's just a process, and happiness had to come from a real physical change in the way I was living my life.

Resolving whether or not you need/want to do it will probably just be a matter of time and sieving the idea for a bit if it's not an imperative. I did learn that trying to hold on too tightly to control over people and situations regarding transition was really a waste of time; better served by not holding on so tightly and sometimes just letting go or letting things develop. Even the untenable situation of relationships being incompatible can ease up surprisingly.

I wish I had your clarity regarding transition Kylo. I reached a point where I couldnt ignore it any longer and then when I let the brakes of my buried self a train wreck started with everything I held most dear. I put the brakes on and resolved the day to day dramas with family & myself.

I would like to think I now allow my total self to express naturally and organically but I do wonder if pushing on through full transition would be the best thing ever or the worst.

Yours truly, Kirsten.

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Another thing is many biographies I have read - some resulting in a slightly sad desolate life. Others glorious beyond measure.


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Quote from: Kendra on July 27, 2018, 05:24:56 PM
Professionals have specialized education, experience, access to medical and other background details - and I don't.  So I hesitate to question a professional's opinion.  But I deeply dislike hearing anyone called a "fence sitter" as that assumes a gender binary with a precise dividing line.  I also disagree with certain aspects of WPATH and I believe those standards will evolve in the future.

Drive your life with long term decisions you'll be glad you made when you look back at today.  Your best answer may land you in a traditional gender role or not, for awhile or forever.  Define and determine what will bring you the most fulfilling future and pursue it based on your definition.

Kendra

Hi Kendra,
                   I' ve been mulling this snippet quite a bit. The therapist I have seen is a reasonable psychologist but maybe without heavy duty transition experience. I think they have dealt with transsexuals with a clear goal of leaping into full transition.

I had a choice of only one therapist within the State borders where I live.

My goal initially was to unravel issues that were driving my life off the rails in the worst way, including depression, self harm, suicide consideration. Unrelenting desire to be a woman was 24/7. I wanted to find out if transition was the answer.

At the time nothing made logical sense to me. My natural approach is to find irrefutable proof before deciding on a course of action. I couldnt find it.

HRT got me on my feet again.

Now I plan on lifelong strategy and goals to drive the best long term outcome. I didnt want to think in 2 years I should have done something about transition. There are ducks in a row and I dont think life is getting away from me.

Kendra I would love to know how long you mulled it all over before taking the plunge.

Thanks for your input so far,  Kirsten

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Hi Kirsten,
To me your position seems perfectly reasonable and rational.

The presumption we should behave in a certain way or enact particular imperatives simply because we identify as something other than binary, is to preclude or deny all the doubts which come with being human.

For most people the answer is incredibly simple. When the benefit is greater than the cost, we will happily pay the price. Perhaps right now you simply don't see enough of a benefit?

Whatever you do, once you are prepared to own the consequence of action, life becomes quite simple and beautiful.

All the best.

Si
Xx

Quote from: Sienna Grace on November 27, 2018, 06:40:09 AM
Hi Kirsten,
To me your position seems perfectly reasonable and rational.

The presumption we should behave in a certain way or enact particular imperatives simply because we identify as something other than binary, is to preclude or deny all the doubts which come with being human.

For most people the answer is incredibly simple. When the benefit is greater than the cost, we will happily pay the price. Perhaps right now you simply don't see enough of a benefit?

Whatever you do, once you are prepared to own the consequence of action, life becomes quite simple and beautiful.

All the best.

Si
Xx

Thank you Sienna. Its true -my life is basically very good. The cost/benefit isnt enough to tip the scales. I wonder if many have ever gone full time and found it wasnt for them?

Kirsten  [emoji214]

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Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on November 27, 2018, 11:29:54 AM
Thank you Sienna. Its true -my life is basically very good. The cost/benefit isnt enough to tip the scales. I wonder if many have ever gone full time and found it wasnt for them?

Kirsten  [emoji214]

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I was full-time for a little while, and started to waffle the other day and was going back to my gender fluid mode.  I was at the psychologist today, and she put my head back into the right direction again.  She said it is pretty common that people have doubts about their proper track, but most everybody goes back into becoming a woman again.

I have had time to reflect on what I said to Kirsteneklund7 about marriage counseling. I have no business suggesting that if I have never had to do that. I apologize.  Also Sienna, you bring up a good point that somethings cannot be helped, and a choice must be made at some point.It's like a risk/ reward, and we all hope it works out, but in the end we can only hope for the best or make the best of what we have.I feel the same way presenting as male, I get gender dysphoria, but a weaker kind. I'd say more like conscious of women in general, for instance, her makeup looks good, those boots look awesome,she got her hair done and those curls look nice, or look at how those jeans compliment her figure.I kind of wish I could be doing all of those things with out looking like a total wreck or acting weird for complimenting somebody.That's why in the beginning I wrote down how I felt so I can remember why I am doing this.I got a fortune cookie that I taped to my journal. It reads this, "Always remember where you are going and always remember where you have been.".

I tend to think of the need to transition as being - largely - a matter of carrot or stick, and which is driving the person. Some would say the carrot is what they head towards, for me it was the stick behind me (pain). My life was not terrible, and if I had your concerns and considerations I might be in your position, but it was mostly pain and it was mostly empty. Having a fairly comfortable family life and dependents etc. is going to make it a more equal matter of carrot/stick unless you are in severe emotional pain. It's definitely a better position to be in; but there's more to lose.

When you only have stick, it's an easy decision.

If I had a wife and kids I won't pretend it'd be easier, even if I am fairly self-centered. I suppose it was clear to me (and to my partner) that it had to be done, because of the attitude we have - we don't have kids to worry for, we don't care too much what other people think and there's an unspoken rule that if one of us truly doesn't want to do something, we just say it and get it over with. If one of us didn't want to go do something with the other, the other would rather not do it that than go through a pretense of doing it. When I explained the problem, the response was to the effect "well I guess you'll have to do it then, or do something about it. Now I know you'd be faking life if you didn't."

...That didn't mean all was hunky dory with the situation, but it did at least mean we desired honesty, even if it was painful. In some ways I decided to go ahead with transition because I knew it wasn't going to severely affect many people at all, so I guess that consideration was a part of it even if I tend to downplay the aspect to myself. Almost nobody was going to be hurt by it, and the only person who was had already decided we weren't getting along great beforehand. (Ironically we get along much better now in terms of personality. Thanks, HRT). But the "clarifier" really was two things - 35 years of knowing that nothing I'd done or tried had ever got rid of my gender issues, and that I didn't want to regret doing nothing like I had done with other things in life that I'm still kicking myself for. I hadn't been able to go ahead and get a normal life really, that's pretty visible to most around me, so it did seem to indicate I have a real problem that I've never solved. Didn't seem like a vagary or just something I wanted to do. It seemed there was a tangible thing holding me back that if I acted might fix that.

I've mentioned this elsewhere on the forum but transition and HRT didn't simplify anything. It has helped immeasurably, but also complicated even a fairly simple life. My living situation and relationship, my family's relations to me, and it allowed me to see the internal feminine aspects of myself crystal clear even though they are largely hidden to the outside world. They will not be going anywhere, it seems. I'll have to make some kind of peace with them; I guess I already have done, but they absolutely complicate anything in terms of how I see sexual dynamics. Now I know that while transition can be a form of moving forward, and HRT does take the edge off, the true reality of my situation is that I've got hybrid elements in the brain. They'll never go away. How I go forward with that we'll have to see, guess I'll just have to roll with it. Simplest way to describe it: all aspects seem to be largely male save for a few in the sexual department. I can go through almost all everyday life without the "female" aspects arising there until I get to that. So I would advise, I guess... that if you have a dichotomy there that's currently still in the process of being weighed up, you're going through the same thing as I am. Realizing that being trans can be a hybrid state and figuring out how much of what state fits your everyday life best; HRT did make those states a lot more evident to me.   

What a post! Can relate to so much of it - especially transition resulting in a hybrid state.

All of us as trans & cis have our Yin & Yang and need to express them everyday to stop negative tensions building.

I expect if I need to push on through a transition I will carry aspects of the masculine self. I would like to think I can live in harmony with him.

I must get back to work now but I really do  appreciate your input Kylo.

Thanks mate! , Kirsten.



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Quote from: Kylo on December 02, 2018, 06:24:43 PM
Realizing that being trans can be a hybrid state and figuring out how much of what state fits your everyday life best; HRT did make those states a lot more evident to me.

As a person born intersex (XXY), I have lived in this kind of a hybrid stage most of my life.  One can live this way, but let me assure you, it is miserable after a few decades, living no really knowing what gender one belongs to!  I am glad that my body decided a few years ago, to give the female part of me a try (after the male failed about a decade ago), and my mind is following the lead of my body with excitement.
I am sick and tired to be a hybrid any longer!

Quote from: Dietlind on December 02, 2018, 07:27:00 PM
As a person born intersex (XXY), I have lived in this kind of a hybrid stage most of my life.  One can live this way, but let me assure you, it is miserable after a few decades, living no really knowing what gender one belongs to!  I am glad that my body decided a few years ago, to give the female part of me a try (after the male failed about a decade ago), and my mind is following the lead of my body with excitement.
I am sick and tired to be a hybrid any longer!

I just want to say Linde, even though I didnt get round to answering many of your replies on this subject, I do really appreciate your input. I have read your posts many times and it is an honour to be able to interact with your life experience. While this topic was new you were a hybrid individual, now you are firmly a woman! Your journey has been education and inspiration for me. It must be great to finally be fully your female self - it is something I am hoping for!

Yours with appreciation, Kirsten.

Kirsten, I had never read this thread before and to be honest I only read the original post.  I intend to catch up on it all at another time.  I believe in a gender spectrum.  Your comment that you heard from other people 'only transition if you have to'. 

I don't necessarily believe that.  What is 'have to'?  To prevent suicide?  To combat depression? To find peace? To be happy?  Where is the line about 'have to'?

Should every person on the transgender spectrum transition?  Absolutely not.  We each have to search ourselves and our own situation and come to a decision how to proceed.  There are trade offs for transitioning or not transitioning.

There are also many options on how to live our lives.  Binary, non binary, crossdressing, transitioning etc etc.

The only thing I keep beating the drum on is do not make these choices based on fear.  Make them based on who you are.

Thanks to Kim for digging this post up, as it goes back to last year, I've read this and the replies and it places later posts by you Kirsten in a better context for me. Your "point of no return" post last month makes a little more sense now. Making the long range plans you mention above are the key to successful outcome, having a 3-5 year plan that can be revised as necessary. Be happy, being you, find your balance (ying / yang) between your needs and that of the family, no hurries. Where do you want to be ?

Well wishes

Cynthia -

Hello fellow life travelers on Susans,

                                                      just putting pen to paper again for the record.

One happy piece of news that is only a day old is a friend of mine whom I have known for a couple of years is a medical co-coordinator taking 000/ 911 style phone calls to dispatch air ambulances. She is a no-nonsense type of person that doesn't bear fools gladly and takes her job seriously.

While the morning handover was taking place for the day, I happened to mention that under my work clothes I was developing a female body. I mentioned that I run on female hormones and in my spare time I dress in a feminine manner.

She said yes come to think of it you do have breasts. She smiled and nodded to herself and asked if I was going to fully transition. I said I may have to in the end.

She said well in any case you have my full support. You can come round my place for a beer and wear a dress if you want! In fact come round Friday and we will have a cold one !
I said youre on !

We also spoke about the " Rainbow " scene in Darwin and how it hasn't quite reached critical mass, regular get togethers dont get many people. 

She just so happened to know of some trans people and really 'got it'. She really understands what trans is.

In any case that's more than a couple of people in the office who know about me & could tolerate a transition.

Looking forward to Friday evening. My wife knows where I'll be as well.

The engineering crew mostly know and personal friends are supportive. The rest of the engineering crew have mixed feelings.

In other news, yesterday afternoon I had an eyebrow and eyelash tint. I love the lash tint the most- at 50 years of age I actually have substantial upper and lower black lashes- I love it ! My wife says I look ridiculous and that men dont do that!  She said the work crew will think you are a weirdo !

Today the work crew aren't bothered or haven't noticed.

Also my sons expressed that I shouldn't tint my naturally blonde brows and light lashes.

I plan on maintaining the tint- it looks quite natural, but it really adds a youthful/ feminine element.


   So that's me, bits of the inner woman are starting to show and tying to avoid the train wreck of 2016!

  Yours truly,
                     Kirsten xx.

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 23, 2019, 08:48:15 PM
I just want to say Linde, even though I didnt get round to answering many of your replies on this subject, I do really appreciate your input. I have read your posts many times and it is an honour to be able to interact with your life experience. While this topic was new you were a hybrid individual, now you are firmly a woman! Your journey has been education and inspiration for me. It must be great to finally be fully your female self - it is something I am hoping for!

Yours with appreciation, Kirsten.

Yes Kirsten, I hope that I have finally arrived at my destination.  I still have no problems to go as a man, but I don't like to do that anymore.  It wen actually pretty fast lately to make me the woman I am now.
I think that the orchi did help to push m really over the hill!  Whatever it was/is, I am feeling extremely feminine, and this is great.  This is the feeling I wish I would have had for many years already, probably for my entire life?  I think I would have been a happy female all the time!
Yes, I still ant SRS, but that is more for myself and kind of decorative.  I don't think it would change my feminine feelings any!

I read your contributions, too, and hope that you will be in a position to move on to full womanhood pretty soon!
You will be a darn good looking lady!
Hugs
Linde

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 23, 2019, 09:55:06 PM

While the morning handover was taking place for the day, I happened to mention that under my work clothes I was developing a female body. I mentioned that I run on female hormones and in my spare time I dress in a feminine manner.

That's great you've encountered another ally at work Kirsten, you are coming out there it seems...

C -

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 23, 2019, 09:55:06 PM

I plan on maintaining the tint- it looks quite natural, but it really adds a youthful/ feminine element.


   So that's me, bits of the inner woman are starting to show and tying to avoid the train wreck of 2016!

  Yours truly,
                     Kirsten xx.

I had hardly visible eyebrows, and had do draw them with a eyebrow pencil every time.  Th=he results were very different in outcome.  I was sick and tired of this and had mine "microbladed" .  This is a kind of tattooing done with a color that is matched to your hair color.  They don't use a needle for this but a scalpel like blade with think on, and they make little cuts to give the impression that you have hair there.  It looks very natural and my real brows provide the volume look for this .  I just tried to make a picture of it to give you an idea!

(https://i.imgur.com/Q1YVHWS.jpg)

Quote from: KimOct on April 23, 2019, 08:58:38 PM
Kirsten, I had never read this thread before and to be honest I only read the original post.  I intend to catch up on it all at another time.  I believe in a gender spectrum.  Your comment that you heard from other people 'only transition if you have to'. 

I don't necessarily believe that.  What is 'have to'?  To prevent suicide?  To combat depression? To find peace? To be happy?  Where is the line about 'have to'?

Should every person on the transgender spectrum transition?  Absolutely not.  We each have to search ourselves and our own situation and come to a decision how to proceed.  There are trade offs for transitioning or not transitioning.

There are also many options on how to live our lives.  Binary, non binary, crossdressing, transitioning etc etc.

The only thing I keep beating the drum on is do not make these choices based on fear.  Make them based on who you are.

Good point Kim. In the past I thought it was simply transgendered or NOT, transition or NOT. When I first saw I therapist I was hoping they would just say you have some other condition that is easy to address. I have tied hard since 2015 to step away from all this but I now know it is not possible.

I still cant see a clear resolution to this, but I do have a plan.

The plan is public presentation. To blend in public as a regular woman will produce some answers for me I believe. I am getting through electrolysis- therapy with another psychologist whom I have already seen will help with the stress of public expression.

Also my voice is deeper and more resonant than the average man- I am going to work hard on this.

All this is a foot in each camp,- but that is how I want it until I can be comfortable as a woman in public.

              Yours gender conflicted, Kirsten.

Quote from: Dietlind on April 23, 2019, 10:16:35 PM
I had hardly visible eyebrows, and had do draw them with a eyebrow pencil every time.  Th=he results were very different in outcome.  I was sick and tired of this and had mine "microbladed" .  This is a kind of tattooing done with a color that is matched to your hair color.  They don't use a needle for this but a scalpel like blade with think on, and they make little cuts to give the impression that you have hair there.  It looks very natural and my real brows provide the volume look for this .  I just tried to make a picture of it to give you an idea!

(https://i.imgur.com/Q1YVHWS.jpg)

In your pics those brows look very natural & feminine. In fact there is something about your latest pictures that seems more feminine, maybe a more serene expression( I dont know). I have heard good things about blading' but I need to refine my "look" first.

I bet plans for SRS are exciting, it sounds like your life as a woman was a GOOD CHOICE !

Kirsten x.

Quote from: CynthiaAnn on April 23, 2019, 09:33:53 PM
Thanks to Kim for digging this post up, as it goes back to last year, I've read this and the replies and it places later posts by you Kirsten in a better context for me. Your "point of no return" post last month makes a little more sense now. Making the long range plans you mention above are the key to successful outcome, having a 3-5 year plan that can be revised as necessary. Be happy, being you, find your balance (ying / yang) between your needs and that of the family, no hurries. Where do you want to be ?

Well wishes

Cynthia -

Where I want to be is on good terms with my wife and sons(10 & 11). To be a good role model and instructor for my sons.

I also want to be my female self when I want to. To live and blend as a woman full time would be an ultimate dream. Do I have what it takes to be one of the girls? Do I have enough of the right stuff to really be a woman?, - I dont know but I am going to find out, - and not at the cost of my loved ones.

Yours truly,
                  Kirsten.

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 23, 2019, 10:53:07 PM
In your pics those brows look very natural & feminine. In fact there is something about your latest pictures that seems more feminine, maybe a more serene expression( I dont know). I have heard good things about blading' but I need to refine my "look" first.

I bet plans for SRS are exciting, it sounds like your life as a woman was a GOOD CHOICE !

Kirsten x.

I am glad that I did the blading thing, but I have to admit, it is a little painful, more so than electrolysis.  But when it is done, it is, just needs a little revision work in about 8 weeks.
I think that my orchi has pushed me over the edge towards full womanhood.  Estrogen now can do it's job to move the bacon around, and I am told that my face seems to be rounder now.  I have no problem to pass, no matter if I am with or without makeup.
All this gave me lots of confidence, which again, makes passing more natural.  When I am out and about now, I don't anymore hope that I pass, I don't even think about passing these days.

I know that you will come to this point, too.  I am working on this for 16 years already, it takes time and patience.

Quote from: Dietlind on April 23, 2019, 11:22:08 PM
I am glad that I did the blading thing, but I have to admit, it is a little painful, more so than electrolysis.  But when it is done, it is, just needs a little revision work in about 8 weeks.
I think that my orchi has pushed me over the edge towards full womanhood.  Estrogen now can do it's job to move the bacon around, and I am told that my face seems to be rounder now.  I have no problem to pass, no matter if I am with or without makeup.
All this gave me los of confidence, which again, makes passing more natural.  When I am out and about now, I don't anymore hope that I pass, I don't even think about passing these days.

I know that you will come to this point, too.  I am working on this for 16 years already, it takes time and patience.

I would love to reach the point where I can pass without stress. Im going to give it my best shot.
Now tell me the worlds biggest secret, what does it feel like to be a woman!!?

Especially to mingle with the girls and just be one of them?

Kirsten.

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Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 23, 2019, 11:04:44 PM
Where I want to be is on good terms with my wife and sons(10 & 11). To be a good role model and instructor for my sons.

I also want to be my female self when I want to. To live and blend as a woman full time would be an ultimate dream. Do have what it takes to be one of the girls? Do I have enough of the right stuff to really be a woman?, - I dont know but I am going to find out, - and not at the cost of my loved ones.

Yours truly,
                  Kirsten.

There is nothing wrong with wanting it all  :) work slowly and methodically to realize your long term goals.

And yes I think you have what it takes and then some

Best

C -

Quote from: KimOct on April 23, 2019, 08:58:38 PMYour comment that you heard from other people 'only transition if you have to'. 

I don't necessarily believe that.  What is 'have to'?  To prevent suicide?  To combat depression? To find peace? To be happy?  Where is the line about 'have to'?

"Have to" can take many different forms.  In my case, it was that my female self, Kathy, refused to be hidden any longer.  She was going to be out one way or another, even if it meant being discovered by my wife.  My only choice in the matter was how I was going to manage it.  I was able to get ahead of the game and come out proactively, but, yes, I definitely "had to" transition.

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 24, 2019, 12:46:18 AM
I would love to reach the point where I can pass without stress. Im going to give it my best shot.
Now tell me the worlds biggest secret, what does it feel like to be a woman!!?

Especially to mingle with the girls and just be one of them?

Kirsten.

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I am mostly with women only, and we talk women stuff, from makeup over clothing and all the other jazz (and about female hygiene, too, and sex).  Sometimes I have to remind them that i am missing some of the parts they have, and the reaction is, oh, we forgot.  How does it feel being a woman, it feels just right, kind of no pressure anymore to try to pretend to be a guy, and be in their competitive world.  Women are more with each other and help each other, guys seem to be needing to compete with each other all the time.  I have never felt that any of my lady friends are trying to be better than i, when they see some not so womanly behavior in me, they gently point this out so I can learn.
I still have the tendency to mansplain, and I am told when I am doing this, but in a very nice way!
I am a woman among other women!

I also wonder if that comfortable, easy interaction with the girls will become even better when you end up with the same parts they have!



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Dear Kristen:

I am so sorry I never knew you had your own thread.  I have been amazing selfish.

I read it all and I hope the "fence sitting" ends for you at some point if it continues to give you deep pains.  You know that I finally decided that, while I would take a bullet for my wife at anytime, I couldn't live with the constant cutting slices against my emotional soul for the rest of my life.

I hope that you find the right side of the fence that will make you the most happy!


Big hug,

Emma

Emma - Be nice to yourself.   >:(   :)

Ashley taught me that early in our transition we focus inward.  It is part of the journey.  We need to figure who we are, why we are, what we want etc etc.

You will have time to pay it forward eventually.  And both your and Kirsten's thread are helping others that do not post their own stories.  They figure things out by reading how you are doing it.

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 24, 2019, 05:35:01 PM
I also wonder if that comfortable, easy interaction with the girls will become even better when you end up with the same parts they have!

there is this peace of mind in certain scenarios that does comes with.... :)

C -

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 24, 2019, 05:35:01 PM
I also wonder if that comfortable, easy interaction with the girls will become even better when you end up with the same parts they have!



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I don't think so.  I would not know what would bring me more into tune with them more than now.  There is no gender barrier left between us.  Today we were with three of us and one has a big pimple on her lower part of the rear end, and wanted to get our opinion about it.  She just pulled her panties down for me to take a look at it.

Can you have any closer interaction with another female?

Is this because they know that I am missing the  parts determining a man?

Quote from: Dietlind on April 24, 2019, 10:05:44 PM
I don't think so.  I would not know what would bring me more into tune with them more than now.  There is no gender barrier left between us.  Today we were with three of us and one has a big pimple on her lower part of the rear end, and wanted to get our opinion about it.  She just pulled her panties down for me to take a look at it.

Can you have any closer interaction with another female?

Is this because they know that I am missing the  parts determining a man?

Quite right. They obviously feel very free and safe in your presence. Just another one of the girls - that must feel great!

Yours,  Kirsten

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Quote from: Emma1017 on April 24, 2019, 07:10:57 PM
Dear Kristen:

I am so sorry I never knew you had your own thread.  I have been amazing selfish.

I read it all and I hope the "fence sitting" ends for you at some point if it continues to give you deep pains.  You know that I finally decided that, while I would take a bullet for my wife at anytime, I couldn't live with the constant cutting slices against my emotional soul for the rest of my life.

I hope that you find the right side of the fence that will make you the most happy!


Big hug,

Emma

As for the fencesitting stalemate,
The only way to find out is to do it!

You arent selfish at all. This thread was piecewise over time. I often didnt have time to reply and interact on most days.

I didnt even plan on an ongoing narrative.  I just tried to externalise some angst by putting pen to paper.

Absolute pleasure to see you here by the way.

Yours, Kirsten.

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Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 24, 2019, 10:26:19 PM
Quite right. They obviously feel very free and safe in your presence. Just another one of the girls - that must feel great!

Yours,  Kirsten

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

I don't know how to express the feeling?  I actually did not feel any special or different than I do most of the time lately.
I think being around cis women only causes me to feel more like a cis woman, too.
I don't really think about trans anymore if I am not here on the forum.

Quote from: KathyLauren on April 24, 2019, 07:31:29 AM
"Have to" can take many different forms.  In my case, it was that my female self, Kathy, refused to be hidden any longer.  She was going to be out one way or another, even if it meant being discovered by my wife.  My only choice in the matter was how I was going to manage it.  I was able to get ahead of the game and come out proactively, but, yes, I definitely "had to" transition.

I like the idea of staying ahead of the game and being proactive as well. This next push in public should be interesting. My wife will know what is going on. She has already told me, " I dont want to see it though."

A lot has happened in the last couple of years and we still talk and get on- I believe there is hope.

I can't not do this !

         Thanks again for your thoughts Kathy,
                                                                 Kirsten.

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 25, 2019, 09:08:07 PM
I like the idea of staying ahead of the game and being proactive as well. This next push in public should be interesting. My wife will know what is going on. She has already told me, " I dont want to see it though."

A lot has happened in the last couple of years and we still talk and get on- I believe there is hope.

I can't not do this !

         Thanks again for your thoughts Kathy,
                                                                 Kirsten.

Kirsten, The phrase I can't not do this !  says it all.  You have one life.  I say this all the time but it is true.
This is not your practice life.  Don't have regrets when you are near the end. 

Hi Kirsten,

Another thing to consider is that when we tried to bury the female in us, we tried to get on with life as male, and society taught us what we should say and how we should act as male. It may not be a strong masculine side fighting with your feminine side, but the socially conditioned male in us. I have spoken to many who have successfully transitioned long term and they start forgetting that social conditioning we have all been subjected to as mtf. Consider this before you doubt what you need to do. The happiness you feel when you feel feminine will always be there but hopefully the male "side" will slowly leave you once you become who you really are.

Your life does intrigue me Ricki - in a good way.
You are right about the joy and euphoria we experience when we are able to externalise our feminine side.

Interesting that decades of male conditioning may be the one fighting the female self.

My hunch is I will carry a bit more masculinity than the average woman but I hope some good grooming & manners will get me past the guards.

I hope to make peace with having a hybrid state but pass as a woman.

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Rikigirl I agree the conditioning and fitting in do impact our personality.  I have the same personality for the most part but I do find myself acting a little bit different sometimes.  I will be a little more silly or express myself with more exuberance. 

It's tough to put into words but I am mostly the same but I can tell I am more genuine.  Also people notice I am happier.  It's not magic, I still have life problems, things are not perfect but I definitely am more happy than I have been in a long time.

Kirsten Not all ciswomen are exactly the same.  There are girly girls, tomboy girls, glam girls, biker chicks etc etc.

You can be any kind of woman that you are.  Notice I did not say 'that you want to be'.  I said that you can be any kind of woman that you ARE.

Just putting pen to paper again for the record.

My wife travelled 130 km to the other side of the harbour to our bush retreat property.

I had spent the previous Friday evening  with a couple of friends that know I am trans.

On Saturday morning we agreed to meet at our bush retreat. While I was topping oil and radiator in the old Landrover, I got chatting to my next door neighbour.

She said Hi and remarked you look good Kynun!(male name). I said thank you!

I was wearing my Jackie O style sunglasses on top of my head with my shoulder length hair let down. I was wearing a dress I had ordered on line.

The dress turned up 2 sizes too large so I had it tailored down with darts sewn in to accentuate my bust and the waist brought in to flare the skirt more to give me more of a semblance of a figure. My bra was keeping my breasts in front instead of far apart like a transwoman.

I turned in the dress and my neighbour remarked you look really good in that dress! I started to go red and said thank you again in my deep baritone voice that I cant help.

I said all of this is so ridiculous I cant help but laugh about it at times.
She said in the end we are all a bit ridiculous on the inside,- but you still look great.

I thought damn this,- I will drive 130 kms to see my wife dressed as Kirsten! So I did.

At the other end my wife was not pleased to see the dress so I changed.

Later a husband and wife turned up at the bush property, a couple we have known for many years. Their remarks were your hair is so long, I thought you were a girl from behind. And it makes you look younger(thanks HRT & eyelash tint).
A few minutes later I returned with my hair  tied up with a ponytail and there were gasps with no! let your hair back down! Its too much!

I think it was too different to what they were used to ie short back and sides and visible short face stubble.

They dont know Im turning into a girl, - but there are visible differences.

I loved this weekend !

Yours truly, Kirsten.

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Quote from: KimOct on April 27, 2019, 11:38:42 PM
Rikigirl I agree the conditioning and fitting in do impact our personality.  I have the same personality for the most part but I do find myself acting a little bit different sometimes.  I will be a little more silly or express myself with more exuberance. 

It's tough to put into words but I am mostly the same but I can tell I am more genuine.  Also people notice I am happier.  It's not magic, I still have life problems, things are not perfect but I definitely am more happy than I have been in a long time.

Kirsten Not all ciswomen are exactly the same.  There are girly girls, tomboy girls, glam girls, biker chicks etc etc.

You can be any kind of woman that you are.  Notice I did not say 'that you want to be'.  I said that you can be any kind of woman that you ARE.

Thanks again Kim for the input. I love being able to interact with someone who has actually lived it.

I guess I really hope to get accepted as a girl among girls,- I will see what happens and not get too neurotic along the way( I hope !).

Kirsten x.

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Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 27, 2019, 11:54:24 PM

I guess I really hope to get accepted as a girl among girls,- I will see what happens and not get too neurotic along the way( I hope !).

Kirsten x.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

You will be, you will be.  I was considered to be a manly man (because I over compensated for not really being one), and women would shut up with their girl talks when I came into a room!  never ever would I have been expected to be able to do this kind of talk with them.

Well, fast forward a few years, here I am, a woman among women stopping to do girl talk when a man enters the room! 
Just give it time, develop naturally into a female, and slowly you will feel that you are accepted more and more.  It takes time, because you have to learn how to behave like a woman, and they have to learn that you are not a guy anymore!
I live almost entirely with female only friends for the last 6 or so years I learned during this time, how to socialize as a women with women.  You have to learn this, and the day will come that you are accepted as being one of them!

You can and will do it!

Quote from: Dietlind on April 28, 2019, 05:19:39 AM
You will be, you will be.  I was considered to be a manly man (because I over compensated for not really being one), and women would shut up with their girl talks when I came into a room!  never ever would I have been expected to be able to do this kind of talk with them.

Well, fast forward a few years, here I am, a woman among women stopping to do girl talk when a man enters the room! 
Just give it time, develop naturally into a female, and slowly you will feel that you are accepted more and more.  It takes time, because you have to learn how to behave like a woman, and they have to learn that you are not a guy anymore!
I live almost entirely with female only friends for the last 6 or so years I learned during this time, how to socialize as a women with women.  You have to learn this, and the day will come that you are accepted as being one of them!

You can and will do it!

Thank you Linde, I will! I did my best to be a man & mostly it worked even though my heart wasnt in it.

Even if I dont have what it takes to be a woman , I will give it my best shot.

At the worst, part time as Kirsten is not that bad.

You are so lucky to be a woman!

Kind regards, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Hi Kirsten:

I intended to pull back from my thread and this website for a while but I saw yours and, as always, it struck a cord with me.

I haven't gotten as far as you to even wear a dress in front of my wife at home but I am hoping that as I quietly evolve with HRT and externalize my internal thoughts and feelings, she will come to an understanding.  We have been together too long for her not to know and I hope we have a quiet conversation rather than the painful confrontation that I fear.

You and I are confronting a lot.  The sense I get from you is that the female that is you is slowing wearing away the male facade.  I feel the changes inside me doing the same.  I can't ignore the joy that I feel that is slowly replacing the fear.


Hugs,

Emma

Quote from: Emma1017 on April 28, 2019, 07:03:09 AM
Hi Kirsten:

I intended to pull back from my thread and this website for a while but I saw yours and, as always, it struck a cord with me.

I haven't gotten as far as you to even wear a dress in front of my wife at home but I am hoping that as I quietly evolve with HRT and externalize my internal thoughts and feelings, she will come to an understanding.  We have been together too long for her not to know and I hope we have a quiet conversation rather than the painful confrontation that I fear.

You and I are confronting a lot.  The sense I get from you is that the female that is you is slowing wearing away the male facade.  I feel the changes inside me doing the same.  I can't ignore the joy that I feel that is slowly replacing the fear.


Hugs,

Emma

Thanks for dropping in Emma,
Having the energy and having my heart in the masculine projection is getting more tiresome. I dont want the male facade to crumble right now. My days as a man might be numbered but I haven't found a suitable path through to full time yet.

I think you will be wearing a dress in front of the wife soon enough.

Neither of us thought this would be happening to us yet it is happening. Its like a snowball rolling down a hill gaining momentum. Can you believe this stuff ? I cant believe it ! I cant believe it is happening ! I never planned any of it but in the end, like you I had to do something.

The challenges and the confrontation terrifies me yet I still do it. I hope for more joy and less fear.

Wishing you peace & friendship,  Kirsten.

Hello again Fellow  Gender travellers,

My pen must go to paper right now!

I took my children & the kids from 2 doors down for a bike ride to the park with the dog.

At the park the children were bike racing and playing on the swings. An early 20s aboriginal gentleman was walking towards us on the footpath and I could tell he was nervous about the black labrador.

He said, ( wait for it ),- " LADY IS THAT DOG OK? "

I said,( in my damn deep baritone),
" He is very gentle you will have no problem. "

And that ruined the moment.

I am tickled pink over being gendered female but my voice is a real stumbling block !

Yours euphorically, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 29, 2019, 05:12:42 AM
Hello again Fellow  Gender travellers,

I am tickled pink over being gendered female but my voice is a real stumbling block !

Yours euphorically, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

The voice will fall in place once you are presenting as a female.  It is a lot of work to get it to this point.  I have hardly any problem anymore, because I am mostly with females only, and not triggered to fall into the male version of my voice.  It was difficult in the early stages of my transition, but now it is the more natural way for me to talk.

However, if I have to interact with men alone for some time, I tend to slip down into that male type talking.  The frequency is still relatively high, but the pattern becomes more male.

I always talk with a male voice when i pick up the phone, I found this to be a good thing, because men seem to get more "respect" on the phone.

Just hang in there, the voice will come along with all other changes.

My opinion is don't worry too much about voice for two reasons.

1.  We can change our voice with practice.  I went to a voice therapist at a hospital but there are other sources too.
Kathie Perez, Andrea James and surprisingly some on You tube aren't bad.

2.  We can only alter our voice to a certain degree.  On the telephone I get sir often and sometimes Ma'am.  You know what?  I am starting to get over it.  I am a transgender woman.  Therefore I have a voice that was molded by testosterone.  ( News flash huh? )  Transwomen have different voices. 

You can soften the resonance of your voice, not by speaking softly but by how you  project ( not from your chest ) but I am not going to give extended voice lessons here - and I am only fair.

The point is don't get too hung up on it.  Change it to the extent you can and accept WHO you are.

Always value your pieces Kim.

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Hello again Trendsetters,

The pen must go to paper again for the record. I must keep this brief right now & I will add detail tomorrow.

Today I spoke to the Chief Engineer. In a nutshell I mentioned that,
   "As you know the crew know I am transgendered. "

He said how for do you want to take this?

I havent spoken to HR as there isnt much to say except Im on estrogen and dress as a woman outside of work.
I may look more feminine in 12 months time.

He said, " In any case I appreciate the good job you do and if you transition you have my full support. As you know what it boils down to is, can you still do the job?
I believe it makes no difference if you are male or female & I believe you can do the job!
I said thank you, your support means a lot!
( It went well )
More to follow,
                          Hugs to all Kirsten x.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Way to go Kirsten, that's fantastic! He is exactly right too!
Moni

Yay, congratulations, Kirsten!  I am glad it went well.

Wow Kirsten you are leaving me in the dust and I am so massively proud of you and couldn't be happier!!!

I hope/believe that HRT and others female elements will become so much more evident to others in my life that I will increasingly fail in being male stealth.   

I am so happy for you.  You deserve it!


Massive hugs,

Emma

Thank you Moni, Kathy and Emma & Kim. I dont look so female yet and I have asked team members if I do. The reply is,  you only look a little bit female.

I would like some day to day male fail but still too early so far.

Having the option of official transition as required is reassuring. I have paved the way for Kirsten at work if she needs to replace the old guy.

I feel very fortunate I have mostly team support and the hierachy if I need it.

Emma, .... I cant believe any of this is happening, sometimes it feels like my subconcious is doing it & I am coming along for the ride!

Thank you all for your support,
                                                       Kirsten.


Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 29, 2019, 05:12:42 AM

He said, ( wait for it ),- " LADY IS THAT DOG OK? "


I am tickled pink over being gendered female but my voice is a real stumbling block !

Yours euphorically, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

This is awesome, and the start of good things for you Kirsten. I recall saying your male fail in public was "imminent" in another thread, and now it has come.

Yippy skippy for you !

C -

QuoteHe said, " In any case I appreciate the good job you do and if you transition you have my full support. As you know what it boils down to is, can you still do the job?
I believe it makes no difference if you are male or female & I believe you can do the job!

Such a great news :)
Congrats with acceptance in your team. It means a lot.

I don't need to add advice, opinion, suggestion, pretty much nothin'   :D

All I have to say is WAY TO GO KIRSTEN !!!!    :) :) :)

Doing that took some guts and that's what I am talkin about.  YAY.

So proud of you.  And look at the load that is off your mind.  This stuff is so much easier once you just do it.

Quote from: Alice V on May 02, 2019, 06:50:16 PM
Such a great news :)
Congrats with acceptance in your team. It means a lot.

Thank you so much Alice V.

Quote from: KimOct on May 02, 2019, 08:25:44 PM
I don't need to add advice, opinion, suggestion, pretty much nothin'   :D

All I have to say is WAY TO GO KIRSTEN !!!!    :) :) :)

Doing that took some guts and that's what I am talkin about.  YAY.

So proud of you.  And look at the load that is off your mind.  This stuff is so much easier once you just do it.

2019 is much better than the train wreck of 2016.  2016 the timing was wrong. Now I want to grow organically into my female self. Its happening and I love it.

Thanks again Kim you rock !

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on May 02, 2019, 11:19:07 PM
2019 is much better than the train wreck of 2016.  2016 the timing was wrong. Now I want to grow organically into my female self. Its happening and I love it.

Thanks again Kim you rock !

And you will do it, and everything will fall into place!  You have the drive, the determination and the energy to do it right!

You will do it!
Linde

Quote from: Dietlind on May 03, 2019, 12:59:36 AM
And you will do it, and everything will fall into place!  You have the drive, the determination and the energy to do it right!

You will do it!
Linde

Youre a sweetheart Linde !

Thank you!


Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Kirsten what a great description "Now I want to grow organically into my female self. Its happening and I love it."  That is exactly how I feel!

Hugs,

Emma

Quote from: Emma1017 on May 03, 2019, 06:49:40 AM
Kirsten what a great description "Now I want to grow organically into my female self. Its happening and I love it."  That is exactly how I feel!

Hugs,

Emma

And you will do it, too!  All I read about in your story here (I am not one of your docs, Kim or Moni), indicates that you know what you are doing and just tag along.  The day that you will have it done, seems not to be that far away.

You will be a woman in the near future!
Hugs
Linde

Ahh Linde thanks.  That made me feel good!  Hugs, Emma

Congratulations on the positive reaction from your boss.  Its been so long since I worked at a place with an HR department or (ugh) worked in a cube with that constant ringing of someone's phone.   Anyway its long past you post about going on off and on HRT and how estrogen was right.  All I want to say is that this is my experience.  I tried bailing out and doing so felt horrible.  I don't know what to say about outward presentation and such.  I just don't think I'm able to pull that off.  Maybe I'm just putting a chair on the fence and getting comfortable. Anyway I wanted to say congrats and enjoy reading your thread here.

Quote from: Emma1017 on May 03, 2019, 06:49:40 AM
Kirsten what a great description "Now I want to grow organically into my female self. Its happening and I love it."  That is exactly how I feel!

Hugs,

Emma

Always great to hear from you Emma. Glad to see your femininity is ticking along as well.

Big Yobbo hugs, Kirsten.

Yobbo LOL.  Never been to Australia but I love them already.  :D

Quote from: KimOct on May 04, 2019, 11:05:57 PM
Yobbo LOL.  Never been to Australia but I love them already.  :D

25 million of em' and all weird!

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

I heard if every kangaroo in Australia will attack all people there, every australian will have to fight against 14 kangaroo.

Quote from: Alice V on May 05, 2019, 03:38:52 AM
I heard if every kangaroo in Australia will attack all people there, every australian will have to fight against 14 kangaroo.

True and the marsupials are good fighters too!

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Hi again to everyone on Susans,

                                               Today a number of issues came to a head. Issues that are a fallout from my gender expression.

  I was asked to leave today by my wife. I have kept none of my trans issue a secret from her and this has resulted in a final confrontation that means if I spend money on transition & dress as a woman I must leave.

I have had a strict limited budget for clothes, cosmetics, electrolysis, but the issue is bigger than just money.

Tonight is my first night away from home. I knew this would probably happen in the end. I cant apologize and stop acting as a girl, - if I do I will probably die.

I have people I can call if I fall into a hole. I must keep my head up for the sake of my sons.

This is the real cost of transition and it really does hurt. I would give transition away if I could but I can't. I was hoping for family life AND be able to transition but it is not to be.


   Yours truly,  Kirsten.

 

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on May 26, 2019, 09:44:20 PM
Hi again to everyone on Susans,

                                               Today a number of issues came to a head. Issues that are a fallout from my gender expression.

  I was asked to leave today by my wife. I have kept none of my trans issue a secret from her and this has resulted in a final confrontation that means if I spend money on transition & dress as a woman I must leave.

I have had a strict limited budget for clothes, cosmetics, electrolysis, but the issue is bigger than just money.

Tonight is my first night away from home. I knew this would probably happen in the end. I cant apologize and stop acting as a girl, - if I do I will probably die.

I have people I can call if I fall into a hole. I must keep my head up for the sake of my sons.

This is the real cost of transition and it really does hurt. I would give transition away if I could but I can't. I was hoping for family life AND be able to transition but it is not to be.


   Yours truly,  Kirsten.

Kirsten, I feel with you, I know how it hurts.  I was in a similar situation many years ago!  Luckily, our son was already an adult, and he accepted me.  Sometimes, the cost of transition is very high, but what else can one do?  Now, many years later, my ex and I are pretty good girlfriends, but that took a while.  It was hard for her to get over it that I was not the man anymore she was so deeply in love with and who she married!
I am now a pretty happy woman, because time heals all wounds!
I wish you the best, and hope you can stay strong, and continue to live the life that seems to be charted out for you!

Many hugs and lots of love
Linde

Quote from: Linde on May 26, 2019, 09:53:55 PM
Kirsten, I feel with you, I know how it hurts.  I was in a similar situation many years ago!  Luckily, our son was already an adult, and he accepted me.  Sometimes, the cost of transition is very high, but what else can one do?  Now, many years later, my ex and I are pretty good girlfriends, but that took a while.  It was hard for her to get over it that I was not the man anymore she was so deeply in love with and who she married!
I am now a pretty happy woman, because time heals all wounds!
I wish you the best, and hope you can stay strong, and continue to live the life that seems to be charted out for you!

Many hugs and lots of love
Linde

Thank you Linde, you really are a friend. I will probably go to ground for a while now.

I appreciate everyone's input but I will be too sad to reply for a while.

Kind regards, Kirsten.

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on May 26, 2019, 10:03:19 PM

Thank you Linde, you really are a friend. I will probably go to ground for a while now.

I appreciate everyone's input but I will be too sad to reply for a while.

Kind regards, Kirsten.

Just don't go to deep. You have come this far. It is who you are. It's what you had always prayed for. Things will get better, you will feel better just keep focused on what you will become. Where this changes a lot, it will also give you freedom to be more yourself than ever before. Relationships can always improve in time. I wish you the best, I wish you love and a big hug. I'm sure you need one. Please know people are praying for you and care.

Oh no Kirsten I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. My heart is breaking for you. I hope you know that you have a whole bunch of friends here who are pulling for you. I've enjoyed our interactions and look forward to many more when you come back to us.

Hang in there hun things will eventually get better...I promise,

xoxo

Lexxi

Life is not always kind, do take care of yourself Kirsten :(

Cynthia

Kirsten, I am sorry to hear that you have had to move out.  I know you are sad, but that is all the more reason to not stay away for long.  Be kind to yourself.

Kirsten I am so sorry!!!  My heart and thoughts are with you.

I know that you have the strength to get through this.


Massive hug,

Emma

Kirsten,
   I am so sorry this happened. I know you are hurting very bad right now, but I agree with Emma, you are very strong. Love you, Girl!
Moni

Kirsten

So sorry to hear your sad news, but stay strong. You have friends here if you need to chat. I have the feeling this is where my marriage is going at the end of the year :(

Kally

So sorry Kirsten.  This is probably the toughest part of transition.  My focus is about the fear.  That can be beat.  This is about losing your spouse.  That is harder.

I am so sorry for anyone that has to experience that pain.  Many people that transition stay together and many people don't.  My opinion is that you really can't blame the spouse they weren't looking for this but the love that is shown when couples can stay together is amazing.

I guess the only silver lining is that if someone is miserable because they do not transition then they are going to make their spouse miserable as well.  The long term good that comes of this is that both people have a chance to be happy eventually but the pain in the here and now is terrible.

You will heal from this Kirsten but for now our hearts are with you.

Kirsten... I can sympathize because of having to endure a similar explanation. Jo keeps waffling between acceptance and rejection. I went 7 years to raise the kids without thinking about my gender issues. But when the feelings came back they were too intense to ignore. Last week I attended a social gathering of about 160 trans ladies which convinced me transition was the right thing to do. I'm never going back to the person I hated all my life. He is for all intents and purposes, dead to me. I know we have established families and the idea, you may lose them is very frightening. But I have never felt more sane than when I started HRT. Depression is also gone. The stability of being whom I have always known myself to be, far exceeds the potential loss. I'll still be around as it is hard to give up completely and I would never do that. I had the opportunity to move out a long time ago but I stayed for the kids, whom are now fully grown adults. All the best to you my friend. It will sort itself all out and you will find happiness unlike any you have ever known.   :icon_clap: :icon_female:

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on May 26, 2019, 09:44:20 PM
Hi again to everyone on Susans,

                                               Today a number of issues came to a head. Issues that are a fallout from my gender expression.

  I was asked to leave today by my wife. I have kept none of my trans issue a secret from her and this has resulted in a final confrontation that means if I spend money on transition & dress as a woman I must leave.

I have had a strict limited budget for clothes, cosmetics, electrolysis, but the issue is bigger than just money.

Tonight is my first night away from home. I knew this would probably happen in the end. I cant apologize and stop acting as a girl, - if I do I will probably die.

I have people I can call if I fall into a hole. I must keep my head up for the sake of my sons.

This is the real cost of transition and it really does hurt. I would give transition away if I could but I can't. I was hoping for family life AND be able to transition but it is not to be.


   Yours truly,  Kirsten.

Wow.  I have been off for a bit. And just read this.   Know my heart and care is here.  I know it must hurt.   Liberation has cost so many so much.   I am sorry.   

Hugs

Gina

 Thank you so much,

                    Linde, Steph, Lexxi, Cynthia, Kathy, Emma, Moni, Kally, Kim, Dawn, Gina.

Your thoughts and wishes really mean a lot right now.

                             Love you all,  Kirsten.

Kirsten,

Very late to see this sad news.  I am so, so sorry to hear this.  Your devotion to your family has always come through in your history, and this seems so undeserved.  Much love and a massive virtual hug to you.

People can be incorrigible.

But what I know of you, I hope you'll take heart that you know it's just a matter of time. A lot of us have to deal with major changes to home life and in the end they can be all the better and a relief. They just don't feel like it at the time they begin. If you want to talk about it you know where I am.

Kirsten,

So many of us have experienced the pain and loss you're going through right now. It's truly heart breaking when someone you love won't accept who you really are. We are all here for you, whenever you want to vent your feelings and fears. I'm still in the same process you're just beginning and I know the pain and rejection will stay with you for some time. We will get through it because we know we're being authentic to ourselves. We didn't choose to be transgender. We just want to be loved for who we are.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk.

Laura

Quote from: randim on May 27, 2019, 09:16:16 PM
Kirsten,

Very late to see this sad news.  I am so, so sorry to hear this.  Your devotion to your family has always come through in your history, and this seems so undeserved.  Much love and a massive virtual hug to you.

Thanks for the support Randi, it helps.

Quote from: Kylo on May 27, 2019, 09:19:36 PM
People can be incorrigible.

But what I know of you, I hope you'll take heart that you know it's just a matter of time. A lot of us have to deal with major changes to home life and in the end they can be all the better and a relief. They just don't feel like it at the time they begin. If you want to talk about it you know where I am.

Thanks Kylo, it means a lot right now.

Quote from: lauraelliott1951 on May 27, 2019, 10:20:20 PM
Kirsten,

So many of us have experienced the pain and loss you're going through right now. It's truly heart breaking when someone you love won't accept who you really are. We are all here for you, whenever you want to vent your feelings and fears. I'm still in the same process you're just beginning and I know the pain and rejection will stay with you for some time. We will get through it because we know we're being authentic to ourselves. We didn't choose to be transgender. We just want to be loved for who we are.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk.

Laura

It is heartbreaking. I will talk when I can.

 

Kirsten  This internet friendship thing is so strange, odd and amazing.  Who would have thought 30 years ago people could genuinely care about someone just by typing back and forth.  But it is real.  We know each other's stories, hopes, fears, pains, joys and dreams.

You have a group of people here that do genuinely care about you whether you can see them in person or not, you are liked and loved.

We are here for you when you need us.

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on May 27, 2019, 09:10:41 PM
Thank you so much,

                    Linde, Steph, Lexxi, Cynthia, Kathy, Emma, Moni, Kally, Kim, Dawn, Gina.

Your thoughts and wishes really mean a lot right now.

                             Love you all,  Kirsten.

I am so happy to see you post... I have thought a lot about you the last couple days. What your going through really hits home. I feel so much for you. You are going to make it. Things will get better. We are all here for support.

Big hug....👐

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on May 26, 2019, 09:44:20 PM
Hi again to everyone on Susans,

                                               Today a number of issues came to a head. Issues that are a fallout from my gender expression.

  I was asked to leave today by my wife. I have kept none of my trans issue a secret from her and this has resulted in a final confrontation that means if I spend money on transition & dress as a woman I must leave.

I have had a strict limited budget for clothes, cosmetics, electrolysis, but the issue is bigger than just money.

Tonight is my first night away from home. I knew this would probably happen in the end. I cant apologize and stop acting as a girl, - if I do I will probably die.

I have people I can call if I fall into a hole. I must keep my head up for the sake of my sons.

This is the real cost of transition and it really does hurt. I would give transition away if I could but I can't. I was hoping for family life AND be able to transition but it is not to be.


   Yours truly,  Kirsten.

Hi Kirsten, I only recently came across your story. I wanted to reply because what you're going through is so much like my own experience of about 30 years ago. My own wife asked me to leave as my transition progressed. I too thought maybe there was some way to have a family and find a way to express my true self. However, the more I became Rhonda, the more she realised that her husband was disappearing and she didn't want to live with a woman. A couple of years later she found a husband who loves her to this day and I'm happy for her. In retrospect, I don't blame her one bit and we are friends all these years later although there were some rough moments for certain.

I will say that the time after separating from my family was the hardest. It was lonely. I hope that you have friends nearby. I was lucky and before too long a female friend became a roommate and that was a godsend.

The main thing I want to tell you is that yes, you can maintain your relationship with your children. As long as they know that your gender does not change your love and devotion to them. My adult children and I have a good relationship and they are the best thing in my life.

Stay strong, Kirsten. It is hard now, but it does get better.

- Rhonda

Hi Kirsten,

I hope that all these posts of support let you know that, no matter what, you're loved and people truly care about you. I believe Kim put it best when she said,

"This internet friendship thing is so strange, odd and amazing.  Who would have thought 30 years ago people could genuinely care about someone just by typing back and forth.  But it is real.  We know each other's stories, hopes, fears, pains, joys and dreams.

You have a group of people here that do genuinely care about you whether you can see them in person or not, you are liked and loved.

We are here for you when you need us."

And we really are here for you. If you ever need someone to talk to you can PM at any time and I'll get back to you quickly.

Keep your head up girl!!  :) :) :)

Lexxi
xoxo