Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I drove three hours, met my sister and her husband for lunch, went shopping for dresses (purchasing two both of which are age inappropriate but today was a big day), and was still more than a half hour early for my appointment at Planned Parenthood. No protesters gathered outside the door, but I think it would have been easier to enter Fort Knox than get admitted through the doors of Planned Parenthood. But I made it. Then, I spent the next ten minutes talking to a woman I couldn't understand because of the inch thick sheet of bullet proof glass between us.  Fortunately, she was a very patient woman. A young woman and someone of indeterminate gender ushered me into a treatment room and were soon joined by Rachel (an NP). This moment occurred more than a week ago and marks the beginning of my HRT. Or, perhaps, it doesn't. The reason I've delayed this announcement is because Rachel could not make an on-the-spot decision and needs to consult with the Medical Director (when I was young it never occurred to me that I would get old and, somewhere along the way, acquired Type II diabetes and COPD). But Rachel is hopeful and I expect a message any day asking me where she should send a prescription for transdermal Estradiol. I have never been to a medical appointment where I felt more at home and at peace and was called 'Annika' out loud for the first time. If seeing 'the doctor' can be spiritual, my appointment qualified. However, I am on tenterhooks and assured Rachel that if the medical director declined to authorize the prescription, I would go rogue (I've seen a month's supply of estrogen advertised online for about $10). So, you might be asking yourself, what is the point of this topic? I'm asking myself the same question. This isn't a blog, I just needed somewhere to dump a few pounds of anxiety.   

I am glad you had your appointment and I hope this all works out for you.

It is likely that your medical doctor and NP who is likely working under the supervision of a MD in many states, if not all, will make the best recommendations for you, based on what they know of your specific circumstances and medical history. 



Chrissy

I appreciate you taking the time to dump it here, Annika. It sounds like it was a mixed-bag experience but that the positive elements outweighed the discomfort of the uncertain outcome. At least I hope that's the case. Did they say how long it would take to make the decision? I'd prefer you didn't have to get your E on the grey market.

I'm contemplating HRT myself, but I figure I'd wait until the summer and its heavy physical demands have passed. Hearing about your big step helps clarify my interest in it for myself. Thank you.

@Mrs. Oliphant
Dear Annika:
Your posting was good news/bad news ....  I am wishing you success in getting your meds approved with
the Medical Director at Planned Parenthood. 
I trust that Rachel's positive attitude will help convince the Medical Director for approval.

Please, please, DO NOT plan on going "rogue" .... avoid getting any HRT drugs "online"...
...you will have no idea where there are manufactured and have no idea about the quality.

Online procurement of HRT drugs may not work like bona fide prescription drugs and without
doctor monitoring and guidance ...  can be dangerous and detrimental to your health.

If the Planned Parenthood Medical Director doesn't come through, please be safe and find
another doctor and clinic and do your HRT the safe way.

The official policy of the Susan's Place Forum is as follows:
We cannot in good conscience condone the self administering of these medications. Not only may self medication be illegal, but HRT medications can cause serious health problems, and many have the potential for life-threatening side effects that can only be detected and prevented with proper medical supervision.
 
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Admin
                cc: @Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Lori Dee  @Sarah B

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on June 10, 2025, 06:59:10 PMPlease, please, DO NOT plan on going "rogue" ....

Thanks so much, Danielle. I know Rachel will do her best to advocate for me and assured a response by week's end. Words cannot express how much I appreciate your concern and cherish your advice. I am more terrified of dying without fully experiencing the person I know I am than I am of death of itself. But I am neither a fool nor reckless. There is one other gender affirmation service provider I've identified in Montana and will go there if Planned Parenthood is unwilling to manage my transition. In the old days (a few months ago), the VA would have helped me on this journey (my VA therapist often apologizes for the end of the old days). The whole hormonal aspect aside, visiting Susan's makes me feel like a woman.

Annika, I want you to know that not only are all of us here at Susan's Place rooting for you, but so are other people with whom you've never interacted. My wife often asks me "How are the girls doing?" and I'll update her on the day's postings. I told her about this post of yours, and she tearfully asked, "When will she find out?" I said by the end of the week, and she wanted me to be sure to let her know when we find out.

I love the way we all care about one another. Our supportive loved ones care, too.

You feel like a woman here because you are a woman. It's my fondest wish that you can fulfill your dream and feel it completely and at all times.

Hi Annika,
I'm so sorry to hear that Rachel could not make a positive decision for you. I sincerely hope that she will come through for you and that you can start on your HRT soon.

Hugs,
Ciara

Here are some sources of healthcare providers Annika:


https://lgbtqhealthcaredirectory.org/

https://www.glma.org/find_a_provider.php

https://www.outcarehealth.org/

https://www.406pride.org/healthproviders          [Montana]

https://www.outcarehealth.org/outlist/montana/    [Montana]

https://doctor.webmd.com/providers/procedure/lgbt-care/montana         [Montana]

Quote from: Pema on June 10, 2025, 11:31:23 PMI love the way we all care about one another.

Thanks Pema, and everyone for your support. I should hear by the end of the week if PP determines I meet their medical standards for prescribing HRT. I assure everyone that I will do nothing rash like ordering a bunch of off-label estrogen from a supplier I've never heard of (of course, there are people who would consider someone who looks like me wearing a dress while doing yard work in rural Montana a wee bit rash). Love you all.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on June 11, 2025, 02:41:05 PMHere are some sources of healthcare providers Annika:

Thanks, Chrissy! Hopefully, I won't need them, but in case I do...

Quote from: Pema on June 10, 2025, 11:31:23 PMI love the way we all care about one another.

Yes, that's what helps maintain our community. We do care. I care about all of you. :)

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 10, 2025, 05:39:58 PMSo, you might be asking yourself, what is the point of this topic? I'm asking myself the same question. This isn't a blog, I just needed somewhere to dump a few pounds of anxiety.   

The point is that different things are huge to different people. That's really what this place is for. It's a million different experiences coalesced into a beating heart of human empathy and understanding. Thank you for sharing yours. <3

In the spirit of the thread title, I'd like to offer this:

"The moment in between what you once were, and who you are now becoming, is where the dance of life really takes place." - Barbara de Angelis

I am crossing everything crossable for you, Anni. This is a big step. I am so proud of you. Whatever happens. *massive hugs*

Quote from: Sephirah on June 12, 2025, 02:27:51 PMI am crossing everything crossable for you, Anni. This is a big step. I am so proud of you

Thanks, Sephirah, and everyone at Susan's.
  Because of you, I take comfort in knowing this is one lonely valley I don't need to walk by myself.
  Tenterhooks all day long. My primary at PP assured me that she would be able to give me an answer today as to PP's willingness to manage my HRT.
  But nothing showed up on my chart. No message other than the results of my bloodwork (my T level is 273 which means virtually nothing to me).
  So, wearing my good luck way too short yellow dress didn't do its magic today. Actually, since I washed it, I'm considering renaming it my lucky blouse.
  Happy Father's Day everyone. Honestly, I wrestle a bit with that holiday but Mother's Day is almost a year away so I'll take what I can get.

I'm sorry, Annika. Hang in there. I literally never expect offices to get back to me when they say they will. I usually give them another day, maybe two, then call them. It just seems to be how most things work now.

I'm still very hopeful that they'll approve your treatment. Don't give up on that dress/blouse, either. It may have protected you from something you know nothing about.

Sometimes it seems as though we're all little more than mirages as we pass each other in the hallways of Susan's Place or bid adieu at the doorway. Mirages unable to resume our human form until we hit the 'exit' button or close our laptops. In some ways, the illusion that I'm visiting with other illusions makes it easier to speak unfiltered truths (though, hopefully, truths spoken gently and compassionately).

But then, something happened a few months ago that made me realize I am not a mirage and neither are you. I posted something I thought was funny that I realized later was so malapropos it compelled me to 'quit' Susan's for two weeks. Not out of embarrassment or shame, but because I never wanted to hurt another 'mirage', shatter another illusion. Because we all bleed red blood and shed salty tears. And words can be cruel weapons regardless of the intention of those words.

I have since learned I can delete my posts. And deleted one just yesterday. I was so inspired by my power to alter the past that I returned to the grossly malapropos post of months gone by. Alas, there are limits to my power and was unable to delete the offending post. The only option given me was to contact a moderator. Perhaps Lori or Danielle would have deleted the post for me but I decided not to get them involved. So the post remains a thorn in my foot (and, no doubt, someone else's a fact that deletion would probably not have been sufficient balm). But, on the bright side, it is a thorn that makes me tread more carefully through the halls and doorways of Susan's.

So, I have learned we are not mirages and we are not illusions. Even so, there is something surreal about Susan's. I assure you (as I assure myself), I tell the truth on this site to the best of my ability. But after I close my laptop and leave Susan's Place, it seems as though I have a carpet bag full of other truths I tell to other people not so engaged or concerned with gender variance and the dysphoria so many of us deal with daily. I'm going to big family reunion over the 4th of July. I will present as a man and I am confident no one will ask about the status of my request for Planned Parenthood to manage my GAHT even those who know how desperately I desire HRT. I will share other truths with those gathered and, hopefully, we will all enjoy a pleasant afternoon.

Even at home I carry a suitcase full of other truths. I rarely crossdress in front of my daughter and never crossdress in front of her partner. They've been together nearly five years but there is still a bit of frailty to the relationship: she voted for Kamala and he didn't. He is a good man (stereotypes aside) and my daughter loves him very much. He is aware of my gender variance but I am determined not to rock the boat.

Which brings me to the conclusion of this treatise (and I greatly appreciate anyone who has persevered this far into my narrative and assure you of imminent closure). Maybe. Just maybe. I am more real. Both more corporeal and more spiritual. More human. When I meet you in the halls of Susan's than I am in my own house and among my own people. Thanks, everyone.   

@Mrs. Oliphant
Dear Annika:
WOW, thanks for sharing... I am sure that your mind is less
burdened now that you have just posted what you did.

Rest assured that you are not alone in the feelings and thoughts that you
express.  We all have suitcases full of "stuff" that we freely share and
other things that we keep locked in the suitcase.

I think the important thing that we can do is when we are comfortable doing
so, we can post it and vent it out.  Then of course when other members
post their reply comments with their thoughts... that completes the cycle.

I hope that you find as much peace and comfort here on the Forum that I find
for myself when I open up and share things from my own suitcase of life events.

NOTE:  Please never hesitate to ask for Moderator assistance with
your postings... we are always glad to help when we can with moving posts,
edits, possible deletions, etc.

Please keep posting your updates and what you are dealing with in your life.

Many HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Annika, that was absolutely lovely. Thank you for taking the time to write it.

Among many others, two things come to my mind. One is your last point:

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 14, 2025, 01:50:03 PMMaybe. Just maybe. I am more real. Both more corporeal and more spiritual. More human. When I meet you in the halls of Susan's than I am in my own house and among my own people. Thanks, everyone.

I absolutely understand this. Here we can be ourselves and know that there are no rules or expectations about whom or how we should be other than to be caring and respectful. And because we all know first-hand that our paths are challenging and unique, we know that we can trust one another to see the messiness of what's in our suitcases. I find it incredibly liberating.

The other is about this:

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 14, 2025, 01:50:03 PMAnd words can be cruel weapons regardless of the intention of those words.

In my opinion, precisely because we know we can trust one another, we know that none of us is perfect. We're all human and we all say things from time to time that either come across differently from how we intended or were borne of ignorance or unconsciousness at the time. We know not to judge anyone by one such misstep, because we've all made our own and we've seen enough of each other to know who we really are. We're complex beings who have a very broad spectrum of behaviors and contributions, some of which end up being our least favorites. We recognize that complexity and love each other for every bit of it.

So, again, thank you for being who you are and sharing yourself with us. You don't need to be flawless here. Just being you is such a gift.

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on June 14, 2025, 02:31:13 PMI hope that you find as much peace and comfort here on the Forum that I find
for myself when I open up and share things from my own suitcase of life events.

It seems a lifetime ago that I first walked through Susan's door seeking, as you so beautifully reminded me, 'peace and comfort.' But in truth, it has only been a few months since I so tentatively knocked only to find myself so warmly welcomed. The reason I returned to Susan's after what was to me an unforgivable faux pas, was a dear friend I met on this site emailed me. She was understanding but not gentle and reminded me of why I knocked on Susan's door in the first place. As you just did. Ego and arrogance receive scant notice inside this house. I am determined to share the joy and the healing I find here. We are family.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 14, 2025, 07:16:21 PMI am determined to share the joy and the healing I find here. We are family.

That is what I find here and try and push that forward. Our community needs support from within, because that means something to all of us. Everything else seems to be a distraction.

Hi Annika,
I hope you hear back soon, and can start your journey.

Tomorrow may or may not be a 'big' day. I may or may not hear back from Planned Parenthood. And if I do hear back, what I hear may or may not be what I hope to hear. I was thinking those things earlier today while I was outside wearing one of my favorite dresses and hand watering apple trees. For no reason at all, I began dancing between apple trees. Regardless of what tomorrow brings, I cherish the joy of being a woman (I have never danced in my small orchard while wearing Levis and a flannel shirt--my go to 'guy' apparel). Since accepting my gender variance and embracing my femineity, I have been so much happier despite the drama and angst, the lost friends and family ties. So, dear friends, fingers crossed tomorrow brings good news. But if it doesn't, I am determined to keep dancing.

Annika:
Optimism and positive thinking will be your friend!
I am wishing success and happiness for you!
HUGS, Danielle

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 15, 2025, 05:53:40 PMFor no reason at all, I began dancing between apple trees.

QuoteRegardless of what tomorrow brings, I cherish the joy of being a woman (I have never danced in my small orchard while wearing Levis and a flannel shirt--my go to 'guy' apparel).

QuoteSince accepting my gender variance and embracing my femineity, I have been so much happier despite the drama and angst, the lost friends and family ties. So, dear friends, fingers crossed tomorrow brings good news. But if it doesn't, I am determined to keep dancing.

Yay! I love this, Anni, so much I feel like dancing with you right now. 💓🌷

Like Ashley would say, forward little sister!

Wait... I hope I said that right!  ;D


~ Lilis 🫂

Quote from: Lilis on June 15, 2025, 06:46:19 PMYay! I love this, Anni, so much I feel like dancing with you right now. 💓🌷

Like Ashley would say, forward little sister!

Wait... I hope I said that right!  ;D~ Lilis 🫂

I'm sure Ashley would agree. She has always been here to support us and I'm so pleased to have met her here.

I love the mental image you've given me. Dance on, dear Annika!

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 15, 2025, 05:53:40 PMTomorrow may or may not be a 'big' day. I may or may not hear back from Planned Parenthood. And if I do hear back, what I hear may or may not be what I hope to hear. I was thinking those things earlier today while I was outside wearing one of my favorite dresses and hand watering apple trees. For no reason at all, I began dancing between apple trees. Regardless of what tomorrow brings, I cherish the joy of being a woman (I have never danced in my small orchard while wearing Levis and a flannel shirt--my go to 'guy' apparel). Since accepting my gender variance and embracing my femineity, I have been so much happier despite the drama and angst, the lost friends and family ties. So, dear friends, fingers crossed tomorrow brings good news. But if it doesn't, I am determined to keep dancing.

Annika!

I am sending the best and most loving thoughts your way in the hopes that the week ahead will inspire a dance-a-thon... followed by a trip to the pharmacy... followed by another dance-a-thon!!!💕💃💕💃💕💃💕💃💕

However it works out, I know you have gained and found much within yourself since your arrival here... and I hear in your words the sound of someone who knows that all that is required in all this is to be yourself... Everything else... hormones, clothes etc is just window dressing 🌻

You have already won a great victory that no one can take from you but, I can't wait to hear you are getting your victory with a side of window dressing! 💕

Hugs and Love Girl!

Onward We Go Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

Quote from: tgirlamg on June 15, 2025, 10:45:24 PMYou have already won a great victory that no one can take from you

Quote from: Lilis on June 15, 2025, 06:46:19 PMLike Ashley would say, forward little sister!

Thanks so much Lilis and Ashley, Sinclair and Pema! Your words of encouragement mean the world to me. Hopefully, I will post something bright and beautiful tomorrow. But even if I don't, tomorrow will be bright and beautiful just because of the company I keep at Susan's.
 

It rained today so no dancing with the trees. No. Now that I think about it, next time it rains I will definitely dance with the trees. It might be fun. No word from Planned Parenthood. Sometime tomorrow, as Ashley suggested, I will send a 'wazzup' message to my provider. Perhaps, silence is good news: it means they're still thinking about that whole risk/benefit thing doctors tend to do.

Dancing in the rain can be fun if you're dressed for it. I'm sorry they didn't call today, Annika. Please do prod them tomorrow if they don't call in the morning. Sometimes folks need reminders. I'm still hopeful they've already decided in your favor but are understaffed.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 15, 2025, 05:53:40 PMTomorrow may or may not be a 'big' day. I may or may not hear back from Planned Parenthood. And if I do hear back, what I hear may or may not be what I hope to hear. I was thinking those things earlier today while I was outside wearing one of my favorite dresses and hand watering apple trees. For no reason at all, I began dancing between apple trees. Regardless of what tomorrow brings, I cherish the joy of being a woman (I have never danced in my small orchard while wearing Levis and a flannel shirt--my go to 'guy' apparel). Since accepting my gender variance and embracing my femineity, I have been so much happier despite the drama and angst, the lost friends and family ties. So, dear friends, fingers crossed tomorrow brings good news. But if it doesn't, I am determined to keep dancing.

Annika, I hope you hear from PP tomorrow, and can start your journey. One thing that brought me some comfort at the start of my was whatever happens, nobody can take your femininity away from you.  :)

Sending good thoughts your way for positive outcomes from PP!! I'm assuming that I'll face some of the same issues when I have my intake exam to start HRT. You have such a bright, infectious attitude. Despite the rain, life shines on us both.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 14, 2025, 01:50:03 PMEven at home I carry a suitcase full of other truths. I rarely crossdress in front of my daughter and never crossdress in front of her partner. They've been together nearly five years but there is still a bit of frailty to the relationship: she voted for Kamala and he didn't. He is a good man (stereotypes aside) and my daughter loves him very much. He is aware of my gender variance but I am determined not to rock the boat.

There are times I read things here and think of when I was working in medicine. I would sometimes meet people socially whom I knew things about because I'd treated them and sometimes those things packed enough power to destroy their relationships, had they not lived behind the wall of confidentiality. But, like every doctor does, I became used to knowing things I could never tell and editing my responses in the light of that. It altered how I saw what people here sometimes refer to as 'the truth'.

Very few people, whatever they may say to the contrary actually live in a world of full disclosure. For one thing, it isn't necessary for everyone to know everything about you, and for another, it isn't necessarily wise that they should. So there'll be things your daughter's partner doesn't do in front of you and things you don't know about them and so it goes for everyone else in your life (and in mine and everyone's.)

I've a long memory, I'll carry 'truths' I know about others until the day I die, I'll carry some about me as well. If I've learned a lesson it's not to overvalue full disclosure, because there's a time and a place for it and the time and place varies for each truth. If it's a confidential truth, that time is never, if it's one about gender identity and sexuality, say, that time is sometimes, and if it's 'do I like triple chocolate brownines?' that time is always.

If you're beating yourself up about not doing full disclosure with everyone, resist punishing yourself for not being authentic and remind yourself there's a time and a place. Meanwhile, authenticity lies within your own head and never forget you have the power to grant it to yourself, based on your own standard, because criteria which fit for others won't necessarily fit for you. You've got this pretty sorted, darling.

Quote from: Alana Ashleigh on June 16, 2025, 10:41:00 PMAnnika, I hope you hear from PP tomorrow, and can start your journey.

Thanks so much Alana, April and Tanya. I took Ashley's advice and sent a quite gentle reminder to Rachel (my primary at PP). The message included a request for a cost estimate for talk therapy through PP. My current therapist is with the VA and Thursday will be our last visit since I will have exhausted all resources VA is willing to provide re gender affirming services. I really, really hope my HRT request is approved. But either way, talk therapy is by far a higher priority at this point in my journey. Thanks so much, everyone, for all the good thoughts.

Quote from: TanyaG on June 17, 2025, 05:14:09 AMauthenticity lies within your own head and never forget you have the power to grant it to yourself, based on your own standard, because criteria which fit for others won't necessarily fit for you. You've got this pretty sorted, darling.

Annika, I hope you feel this. Beautifully said, Tanya.

Quote from: TanyaG on June 17, 2025, 05:14:09 AMIf you're beating yourself up about not doing full disclosure with everyone, resist punishing yourself for not being authentic

I've been noodling most of the morning about these words, Tanya. Hopefully, I have noodled to the point I can respond coherently. As always, thanks so much for taking the time and effort to address my concerns and, as usual, I wholeheartedly agree with you. With the following caveat that may take more than a few words to explain. Most of the time, I can clearly see the woman I imagine myself to be. This is a seismic shift in the persona that entered Susan's for the first time a few months ago. The more I affirm that woman through attire, mannerisms, etc. the more clearly I see her. But there may be more than a kernel of truth to the premise of Mother Night (Kurt Vonnegut): we are who we pretend to be. The more I'm compelled to present myself as 'male' by the social environment in which I am immersed, the more concerned I become that I will lose the 'magic' of the woman I imagine I am. And, the more strongly I assert my 'feminine' persona within this social environment, the more stressful the environment becomes. So I am terrified of the positive feedback loop determined to undermine all that I have achieved over the past few years (Jessica recently posted a survey indicating most of the 9% of trans people who detransition do so because of social pressures and only 0.36% of the trans population detransitions because of gender dissonance experienced after transitioning). So, dear friend, are my concerns valid? I realize I can always follow Lori's advice and vote with my feet, moving out of my home (that I love except for the whole sense that I can't be myself when others are here). Short of that, well, I'm open to anything. Thanks again.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 17, 2025, 01:05:57 PMBut there may be more than a kernel of truth to the premise of Mother Night (Kurt Vonnegut): we are who we pretend to be. The more I'm compelled to present myself as 'male' by the social environment in which I am immersed, the more concerned I become that I will lose the 'magic' of the woman I imagine I am.

I disagree with this premise simply because if it were true, there would be no trans people. Heck there'd likely be no individuality at all. Because most of existence in a social environment is pretending to be someone else. Whether that be to meet expectations, standards or aspirations. To avoid harm (either physical, or mental, or both). You can "be" twenty different people in a day, depending on what you're doing or who you interact with. We are all essentially quick-change artists.

QuoteAnd, the more strongly I assert my 'feminine' persona within this social environment, the more stressful the environment becomes. So I am terrified of the positive feedback loop determined to undermine all that I have achieved over the past few years (Jessica recently posted a survey indicating most of the 9% of trans people who detransition do so because of social pressures and only 0.36% of the trans population detransitions because of gender dissonance experienced after transitioning). So, dear friend, are my concerns valid? I realize I can always follow Lori's advice and vote with my feet, moving out of my home (that I love except for the whole sense that I can't be myself when others are here). Short of that, well, I'm open to anything. Thanks again.

The way I tend to think of it is equilibrium. When you face the tipping point where one dysphoria replaces another, then stop. Take a look at your situation and see what you can do to help yourself reach the point of equilibrium where you're genuinely happy. Whatever form that takes. That is different for different people, and can change often throughout the course of a lifetime. But is surely the overriding pursuit to keep in mind.

Of course your concerns are valid, Annika. And I get very much where you're coming from. Being who you see in your mind's eye makes you feel real, and happy. But you live in a world where being that person is hard, sometimes prohibitively, and you're scared that you're one day going to "Wake up" and think it's all been a wonderful dream.

All I would suggest to you, sweetie is that... well... the world where we flit between forms like fireflies between dark trees in a forest... perhaps that's the dream. And outside of that, that's when you're really awake. In which case, you won't ever lose that. *hugs*

I appreciate and support every bit of what you said there, Lauren. It reminds me so much of Eckhart Tolle. When I shut out the external and internal noise and experience myself as I truly am, it's impossible to deny that I am this. The rest of the time, I'm just trying to navigate a world that has very narrow requirements and expectations. Remembering that I am this is an on-going practice.

I think the question for many comes down to: Is it worth it? That's a deeply personal and often painful question to ask and answer.

The way you're feeling, Annika, reminds me very much of the poem "A Dream Within a Dream" by Edgar Allen Poe

Quote from: Sephirah on June 17, 2025, 02:47:39 PM"A Dream Within a Dream" by Edgar Allen Poe

I have always loved this poem!

Quote from: Lori Dee on June 17, 2025, 02:51:54 PMI have always loved this poem!

Me too, Lori. <3

Quote from: Sephirah on June 17, 2025, 02:47:39 PMThe way you're feeling, Annika, reminds me very much of the poem "A Dream Within a Dream" by Edgar Allen Poe

Beautiful, Sephirah. I am so grateful for such an exquisite gift.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 17, 2025, 04:44:14 PMBeautiful, Sephirah. I am so grateful for such an exquisite gift.

I know you have the soul of a poet, Anni. And the fingers of a wordsmith. <3

You're going to be okay, honey.

You are seen. Whatever happens. You are you. Trust me. You can only lose that which was never truly found, okay?

You are beautiful. Whatever masks you wear, whatever dance you dance. Beneath all that, you are beautiful. And gentle. And kind. And sweet. And vulnerable.

Remember the force behind that brook, okay? Where it comes from. You're going to be okay. *massive hugs* <3

I'm dancing with trees again. PP approved the Estradiol. But not the Spiro (it's a kidney thing). I was assured the estrogen would facilitate gender alignment (physical appearance is the least of my concerns as anyone who has seen my avatar already knows). So, good news. Another step taken.

YES!!!

I'm so happy for you!

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 18, 2025, 02:43:36 PMI'm dancing with trees again. PP approved the Estradiol. But not the Spiro (it's a kidney thing). I was assured the estrogen would facilitate gender alignment (physical appearance is the least of my concerns as anyone who has seen my avatar already knows). So, good news. Another step taken.

@Mrs. Oliphant
Dear Annika:
      WOW-Whee !!!! :eusa_dance:    As a result of your good news, we are all dancing with you!!!
Thank you for your update.

HUGS and more HUGS,   ❤️❤️❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

 :eusa_clap:  :icon_walk:  :icon_geekdance:  :icon_drunk:  :icon_dance:  :eusa_dance:

Celebration! That is great news!

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 18, 2025, 02:43:36 PMI'm dancing with trees again. PP approved the Estradiol. But not the Spiro (it's a kidney thing).

Congrats, Anni! 🎊💐

And excuse me, trees, may I have this dance?


~ Lilis 💞

Sorry, Lilia. My dancecard is full!
Wait a moment. I just had a cancellation. Thanks.

💕💃🌲💃🌲💃🌲💃💕

Dance Away Anni... The World is yours! 💕🤗💕

Congrats and Hugs!

A💕

Quote from: tgirlamg on June 18, 2025, 04:04:28 PMDance Away Anni... The World is yours

Dear Ashley, I would not have been able to take this step in my journey without you. Your support and encouragement have been amazing. But it is your friendship I cherish most. Thanks, Ash. Onward girl! (Don't worry, I didn't steal your trademark line I merely borrowed it. Consider it an homage) So many hugs!

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 18, 2025, 02:43:36 PMI'm dancing with trees again. PP approved the Estradiol. But not the Spiro (it's a kidney thing). I was assured the estrogen would facilitate gender alignment (physical appearance is the least of my concerns as anyone who has seen my avatar already knows). So, good news. Another step taken.

Good news!

Chrissy

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 18, 2025, 04:09:58 PMDear Ashley, I would not have been able to take this step in my journey without you. Your support and encouragement have been amazing. But it is your friendship I cherish most. Thanks, Ash. Onward girl! (Don't worry, I didn't steal your trademark line I merely borrowed it. Consider it an homage) So many hugs!

Anni,

Thank you for the kind words beautiful sister!!! I would say that many wonderful changes have happened since this introduction post less than 3 months ago...

"Hi everyone,
I'm not sure I belong here. But, if I don't, I don't belong anywhere. I'm an old genderfluid GAB male with strong feminine tendencies. At the age of 73, I finally came out as genderfluid to friends and family. Many of whom, no longer talk to me. I guess that's what I'm looking for: someone to talk to. I'm having great difficulty navigating this website (which is no surprise, it's the first website I've attempted to navigate). Anyway, I look forward to learning as much as I can about who I am. I'm hopeful you can help me on my journey. So, I've made my introduction and resume doing what I do best--listening."

What a difference a few months can make eh?...In this short time you've set the table for all the wonderful things to come... Amazing discoveries and well deserved joys await you Anni!!!  Enjoy it all...💕🤗💕💃

Onward We Go Brave Sister!

A 💕

Quote from: tgirlamg on June 18, 2025, 04:51:17 PMOnward We Go Brave Sister!

Wow! What a difference a day makes. Thanks, Ash.

How do you like my new threads?
My avatar is a photograph of a tree I planted as a seedling right at 13 years ago. Like me, it's changed a bit since then. I planted four hundred other trees and bushes at about the same time. I watered them and nurtured them to the best of my ability (app. 4 hours a day April-October, though now it's closer to two hours a day since they've grown and drip lines helped a bit). The neighbor's horses ripped up a few of them over the years and the antelope and deer, jackrabbits and voles occasionally dined on my windbreak. But I think I would have been a good mother; out of 400 trees planted, more than 300 survived. So, if they were children, three out of four... Wait, let me take that good mother part back. More like an adequate mother. Anyway, that's why a tree is now my avatar.

Personally, I love it. I'm a huge, huge fan of trees. Is it a pine?

I think a 75% survival rate is very good. I don't do nearly that well here. I'm lucky to get 50%.

My philosophy has long been to sow many seeds so that there will always be enough wins to make up for any losses. It seems to me like you do that, too, and it's paying off.

Quote from: Pema on June 18, 2025, 05:28:43 PM. Is it a pine?

Thanks, Pema. Ponderosa pine (state tree of Montana). And yes, they are all my children. My sowing pine seeds days are over but I had many wins. It reminds me of a story: some general somewhere had to cut down a good portion of the cedars of Lebanon and told his forester to replant as he harvested. The forester stated: sir, it will take a thousand years for the trees to mature. To which the general replied: that's why you should have planted them yesterday. Perhaps the story is apocryphal, and I don't recall the source. But I have a feeling you can relate.

Mrs. Oliphant just seemed so presumptuous. When you get your nails done, you might as well get a facelift too. So, now, I'm Dances With Trees. But I'm still the same old affable Annika, or Anni, just without the presumption. Or Dances. I'm cool. Okay, it's been a really overwhelming day so in addition to the nails and facelift I got a tummy tuck. I start Estradiol tomorrow (that should explain everything). Love you all.

I love it, Annika! What a great name!

I meant the "sowing seeds" part figuratively, although I do a lot of that, too. Just, in life, "sowing" all kinds of things.

You're doing it!

I'm wearing my first Estradiol patch somewhere beneath a new dress I bought for the occasion. I'm already feeling more feminine (but that might be more the dress than the patch). Thanks everyone, for being with me on this journey. I pray I do my best to return the favor.

This is wonderful to hear.

Annika, you contribute your share and more here every day. All it takes is for you to be yourself and share yourself with us. Thank you.

Annika, congratulations 🥳🥳

Quote from: Alana Ashleigh on June 19, 2025, 01:10:03 PMAnnika, congratulations

Thanks, Alana! When the Wal-Mart pharmacist asked why I was prescribed Estradiol, I proudly stood my ground and said: gender affirming. Then, I went into the ladies section and picked out two dresses I paid for at non-self checkout. And all of this happened this morning in Butte, Montana. Who says drugs aren't empowering?

I guess I'm surprised they asked why, although pharmacists do need to think about the complexities of people's medications.

Good for you for being unafraid to say what's true for you. I'm proud to call you my sister.

Annika, I love Ponderosa pines (but I love almost every kind of tree). I planted a dozen a few years ago. They're not native here, though they do exist about 40 miles north. I figured with our summers getting hotter and drier all the time, I should try filling some of the gaps with a species that might do better in those extremes than some of our moisture-loving natives. A couple have passed to the great beyond, but the rest are doing quite well. It's the very wet fall, spring, and winter that I think may be their biggest challenge.

Quote from: Pema on June 19, 2025, 04:27:29 PMIt's the very wet fall, spring, and winter that I think may be their biggest challenge.

From what my daughter told me (she's the one with a degree in environmental horticulture, not me), Ponderosa pine are drought tolerant but not resistant (Douglas-fir was my first choice but the state nursery was sold out). From what I understand, they are taking over irrigated parts of eastern Montana (almost like an invasive weed). I'm not sure where you live, Pema, but if you can pack your bags (or pinecones in this case) and thrive in Roundup, Montana, you can adapt to just about anything.

Quote from: Dances With Trees on June 18, 2025, 06:03:00 PMThe forester stated: sir, it will take a thousand years for the trees to mature. To which the general replied: that's why you should have planted them yesterday.

There's a remarkable intro in one of the Meetings with Remarkable Trees series the BBC did (which is good). Somewhere in an intro, one of the interviewees points at a planting which was two centuries old and says, 'My great, great, great grandfather planted those. As a cash crop.'

Patience is a virtue.

"Trees are poems that the earth writes upon the sky." - Kahil Gibran

:-*

So proud of you, Anni. <3

Maybe it is just the day. There is so much going on in my life and it's hard to believe a tiny little patch changes things overnight. But I have shed more tears today than I have since my best friend died a few months ago. If this is what it means to 'transition', then I'm all in. Until today, I didn't realize I had forgotten how to feel.

Clarification: Bod died a few weeks ago (not months). Must be the patch.

Quote from: Dances With Trees on June 20, 2025, 05:35:23 PMMaybe it is just the day. There is so much going on in my life and it's hard to believe a tiny little patch changes things overnight. But I have shed more tears today than I have since my best friend died a few months ago. If this is what it means to 'transition', then I'm all in. Until today, I didn't realize I had forgotten how to feel.

Annika, I am an avid cryer, and I'm elated to have you join me. Know that you are loved, my sister.

Quote from: Dances With Trees on June 20, 2025, 05:35:23 PMMaybe it is just the day. There is so much going on in my life and it's hard to believe a tiny little patch changes things overnight. But I have shed more tears today than I have since my best friend died a few months ago. If this is what it means to 'transition', then I'm all in. Until today, I didn't realize I had forgotten how to feel.

Best wishes ... being a "cryer" .. like me as well, simply means you have the ability to empathize with others. That's very important, and means you're normal. :)

A mock orange fronted by a peony. Poor execution of landscaping design but the two seem happy together at least for now.  As Lee Ann Womack suggested, "I hope you dance."

It looks to me like they are dancing.

Sometimes I feel like landscape design is for people who like things manicured and just-so. (And sometimes I do have to recognize that things simply don't work where I've put them.) Just yesterday, I had to trim and wrangle and separate an absolutely massive double-flowered peony and a gigantic calla, both just loaded with blossoms. I'd constructed a cordon around them to try to keep them upright, but their combined weight had made a joke of my effort. I was telling my wife last night that they're both too large to be where they are, but both of them together are preposterous.

And yet... They're obviously very happy there, together. I have until October to figure out what I want to do about it.

I say let them dance.

I can't even remember the song title and I'm too hard of hearing to sort through a song list searching for a single line. Floor Jensen and Nightwish is all I remember. And the line goes something like this: How can I cry on someone's shoulder when the shoulder cries more than I?.
  I am blessed to be among so many empaths. And so many times you have heard my plea and excised my pain. And so many times it must have seemed as though you cast pearls before swine when you read my awkward and banal response to your words of love and kindness.
  Excising pain is similar to surgery and as soon as the anesthetic wears off, I go back and read your words and also my response. Often with embarrassment or worse, fearing my words might have been painful for you to read. And I wish I could change them, but even if I did delete them that might do little more than pour salt on the wound I inflicted. The bell has been rung, and I must abide the ensuing silence.
  It is small consolation, but if you look at me on this site when I am full of joy and so alive in the company of so many beautiful people, you might notice the pearl necklace so large it adorns my shoulders and bosom. You gave that gift to me. All of you gave it to me and asked nothing in return. Not even a proper thank you. But I assure, that necklace is my most cherished treasure.

Quote from: Pema on June 21, 2025, 03:07:35 PMI say let them dance.

I sometimes sense we are kindred spirits, Pema. I am more comfortable in the company of trees and flowers than in the company of men or even women. I am patient enough to watch trees dance even on a calm day and the moment my greenhouse explodes with color never fails to surprise me. We're Zone 4, borderline 5, so I don't think most lilies would do well here. But I would love to see a picture of your calla dancing with peonies.   

Quote from: Dances With Trees on June 22, 2025, 11:47:08 AMI sometimes sense we are kindred spirits, Pema. I am more comfortable in the company of trees and flowers than in the company of men or even women. I am patient enough to watch trees dance even on a calm day and the moment my greenhouse explodes with color never fails to surprise me. We're Zone 4, borderline 5, so I don't think most lilies would do well here. But I would love to see a picture of your calla dancing with peonies. 

Annika, there is no doubt we are kindred spirits. You may recall that my initial name on this site was "flowers_and_trees." Plants are my family of origin.

Every year, I start my vegetables and many, many flowers indoors under lamps on a table I built for that purpose in 1994. And every time that first seed germinates, I am in awe. Every time. The same is true of the absurd growth of my garden from bare ground to a dense jungle with a riot of color - year after year. You'd think I'd get used to it, but it never ceases to fill me with wonder and joy.

I didn't want to flood your quasi-blog with images, but I did get a photo of the dancers and threw in a few others, too. Please take a look at them in my blog:

Calla and Peony for Annika (and more) (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,250897.msg2308434.html#msg2308434)

See also what I said there about growing lilies where you live. I think you have options.

Thank you for being you and loving the way you do.

Pema