Tomorrow may or may not be a 'big' day. I may or may not hear back from Planned Parenthood. And if I do hear back, what I hear may or may not be what I hope to hear. I was thinking those things earlier today while I was outside wearing one of my favorite dresses and hand watering apple trees. For no reason at all, I began dancing between apple trees. Regardless of what tomorrow brings, I cherish the joy of being a woman (I have never danced in my small orchard while wearing Levis and a flannel shirt--my go to 'guy' apparel). Since accepting my gender variance and embracing my femineity, I have been so much happier despite the drama and angst, the lost friends and family ties. So, dear friends, fingers crossed tomorrow brings good news. But if it doesn't, I am determined to keep dancing.

Annika:
Optimism and positive thinking will be your friend!
I am wishing success and happiness for you!
HUGS, Danielle

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 15, 2025, 05:53:40 PMFor no reason at all, I began dancing between apple trees.

QuoteRegardless of what tomorrow brings, I cherish the joy of being a woman (I have never danced in my small orchard while wearing Levis and a flannel shirt--my go to 'guy' apparel).

QuoteSince accepting my gender variance and embracing my femineity, I have been so much happier despite the drama and angst, the lost friends and family ties. So, dear friends, fingers crossed tomorrow brings good news. But if it doesn't, I am determined to keep dancing.

Yay! I love this, Anni, so much I feel like dancing with you right now. 💓🌷

Like Ashley would say, forward little sister!

Wait... I hope I said that right! 


~ Lilis 🫂

Quote from: Lilis on June 15, 2025, 06:46:19 PMYay! I love this, Anni, so much I feel like dancing with you right now. 💓🌷

Like Ashley would say, forward little sister!

Wait... I hope I said that right!  ~ Lilis 🫂

I'm sure Ashley would agree. She has always been here to support us and I'm so pleased to have met her here.

I love the mental image you've given me. Dance on, dear Annika!

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 15, 2025, 05:53:40 PMTomorrow may or may not be a 'big' day. I may or may not hear back from Planned Parenthood. And if I do hear back, what I hear may or may not be what I hope to hear. I was thinking those things earlier today while I was outside wearing one of my favorite dresses and hand watering apple trees. For no reason at all, I began dancing between apple trees. Regardless of what tomorrow brings, I cherish the joy of being a woman (I have never danced in my small orchard while wearing Levis and a flannel shirt--my go to 'guy' apparel). Since accepting my gender variance and embracing my femineity, I have been so much happier despite the drama and angst, the lost friends and family ties. So, dear friends, fingers crossed tomorrow brings good news. But if it doesn't, I am determined to keep dancing.

Annika!

I am sending the best and most loving thoughts your way in the hopes that the week ahead will inspire a dance-a-thon... followed by a trip to the pharmacy... followed by another dance-a-thon!!!💕💃💕💃💕💃💕💃💕

However it works out, I know you have gained and found much within yourself since your arrival here... and I hear in your words the sound of someone who knows that all that is required in all this is to be yourself... Everything else... hormones, clothes etc is just window dressing 🌻

You have already won a great victory that no one can take from you but, I can't wait to hear you are getting your victory with a side of window dressing! 💕

Hugs and Love Girl!

Onward We Go Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

Quote from: tgirlamg on June 15, 2025, 10:45:24 PMYou have already won a great victory that no one can take from you

Quote from: Lilis on June 15, 2025, 06:46:19 PMLike Ashley would say, forward little sister!

Thanks so much Lilis and Ashley, Sinclair and Pema! Your words of encouragement mean the world to me. Hopefully, I will post something bright and beautiful tomorrow. But even if I don't, tomorrow will be bright and beautiful just because of the company I keep at Susan's.
 

It rained today so no dancing with the trees. No. Now that I think about it, next time it rains I will definitely dance with the trees. It might be fun. No word from Planned Parenthood. Sometime tomorrow, as Ashley suggested, I will send a 'wazzup' message to my provider. Perhaps, silence is good news: it means they're still thinking about that whole risk/benefit thing doctors tend to do.

Dancing in the rain can be fun if you're dressed for it. I'm sorry they didn't call today, Annika. Please do prod them tomorrow if they don't call in the morning. Sometimes folks need reminders. I'm still hopeful they've already decided in your favor but are understaffed.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 15, 2025, 05:53:40 PMTomorrow may or may not be a 'big' day. I may or may not hear back from Planned Parenthood. And if I do hear back, what I hear may or may not be what I hope to hear. I was thinking those things earlier today while I was outside wearing one of my favorite dresses and hand watering apple trees. For no reason at all, I began dancing between apple trees. Regardless of what tomorrow brings, I cherish the joy of being a woman (I have never danced in my small orchard while wearing Levis and a flannel shirt--my go to 'guy' apparel). Since accepting my gender variance and embracing my femineity, I have been so much happier despite the drama and angst, the lost friends and family ties. So, dear friends, fingers crossed tomorrow brings good news. But if it doesn't, I am determined to keep dancing.

Annika, I hope you hear from PP tomorrow, and can start your journey. One thing that brought me some comfort at the start of my was whatever happens, nobody can take your femininity away from you. 

Sending good thoughts your way for positive outcomes from PP!! I'm assuming that I'll face some of the same issues when I have my intake exam to start HRT. You have such a bright, infectious attitude. Despite the rain, life shines on us both.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on June 14, 2025, 01:50:03 PMEven at home I carry a suitcase full of other truths. I rarely crossdress in front of my daughter and never crossdress in front of her partner. They've been together nearly five years but there is still a bit of frailty to the relationship: she voted for Kamala and he didn't. He is a good man (stereotypes aside) and my daughter loves him very much. He is aware of my gender variance but I am determined not to rock the boat.

There are times I read things here and think of when I was working in medicine. I would sometimes meet people socially whom I knew things about because I'd treated them and sometimes those things packed enough power to destroy their relationships, had they not lived behind the wall of confidentiality. But, like every doctor does, I became used to knowing things I could never tell and editing my responses in the light of that. It altered how I saw what people here sometimes refer to as 'the truth'.

Very few people, whatever they may say to the contrary actually live in a world of full disclosure. For one thing, it isn't necessary for everyone to know everything about you, and for another, it isn't necessarily wise that they should. So there'll be things your daughter's partner doesn't do in front of you and things you don't know about them and so it goes for everyone else in your life (and in mine and everyone's.)

I've a long memory, I'll carry 'truths' I know about others until the day I die, I'll carry some about me as well. If I've learned a lesson it's not to overvalue full disclosure, because there's a time and a place for it and the time and place varies for each truth. If it's a confidential truth, that time is never, if it's one about gender identity and sexuality, say, that time is sometimes, and if it's 'do I like triple chocolate brownines?' that time is always.

If you're beating yourself up about not doing full disclosure with everyone, resist punishing yourself for not being authentic and remind yourself there's a time and a place. Meanwhile, authenticity lies within your own head and never forget you have the power to grant it to yourself, based on your own standard, because criteria which fit for others won't necessarily fit for you. You've got this pretty sorted, darling.

Quote from: Alana Ashleigh on Yesterday at 10:41:00 PMAnnika, I hope you hear from PP tomorrow, and can start your journey.

Thanks so much Alana, April and Tanya. I took Ashley's advice and sent a quite gentle reminder to Rachel (my primary at PP). The message included a request for a cost estimate for talk therapy through PP. My current therapist is with the VA and Thursday will be our last visit since I will have exhausted all resources VA is willing to provide re gender affirming services. I really, really hope my HRT request is approved. But either way, talk therapy is by far a higher priority at this point in my journey. Thanks so much, everyone, for all the good thoughts.

Quote from: TanyaG on Today at 05:14:09 AMauthenticity lies within your own head and never forget you have the power to grant it to yourself, based on your own standard, because criteria which fit for others won't necessarily fit for you. You've got this pretty sorted, darling.

Annika, I hope you feel this. Beautifully said, Tanya.

Quote from: TanyaG on Today at 05:14:09 AMIf you're beating yourself up about not doing full disclosure with everyone, resist punishing yourself for not being authentic

I've been noodling most of the morning about these words, Tanya. Hopefully, I have noodled to the point I can respond coherently. As always, thanks so much for taking the time and effort to address my concerns and, as usual, I wholeheartedly agree with you. With the following caveat that may take more than a few words to explain. Most of the time, I can clearly see the woman I imagine myself to be. This is a seismic shift in the persona that entered Susan's for the first time a few months ago. The more I affirm that woman through attire, mannerisms, etc. the more clearly I see her. But there may be more than a kernel of truth to the premise of Mother Night (Kurt Vonnegut): we are who we pretend to be. The more I'm compelled to present myself as 'male' by the social environment in which I am immersed, the more concerned I become that I will lose the 'magic' of the woman I imagine I am. And, the more strongly I assert my 'feminine' persona within this social environment, the more stressful the environment becomes. So I am terrified of the positive feedback loop determined to undermine all that I have achieved over the past few years (Jessica recently posted a survey indicating most of the 9% of trans people who detransition do so because of social pressures and only 0.36% of the trans population detransitions because of gender dissonance experienced after transitioning). So, dear friend, are my concerns valid? I realize I can always follow Lori's advice and vote with my feet, moving out of my home (that I love except for the whole sense that I can't be myself when others are here). Short of that, well, I'm open to anything. Thanks again.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on Today at 01:05:57 PMBut there may be more than a kernel of truth to the premise of Mother Night (Kurt Vonnegut): we are who we pretend to be. The more I'm compelled to present myself as 'male' by the social environment in which I am immersed, the more concerned I become that I will lose the 'magic' of the woman I imagine I am.

I disagree with this premise simply because if it were true, there would be no trans people. Heck there'd likely be no individuality at all. Because most of existence in a social environment is pretending to be someone else. Whether that be to meet expectations, standards or aspirations. To avoid harm (either physical, or mental, or both). You can "be" twenty different people in a day, depending on what you're doing or who you interact with. We are all essentially quick-change artists.

QuoteAnd, the more strongly I assert my 'feminine' persona within this social environment, the more stressful the environment becomes. So I am terrified of the positive feedback loop determined to undermine all that I have achieved over the past few years (Jessica recently posted a survey indicating most of the 9% of trans people who detransition do so because of social pressures and only 0.36% of the trans population detransitions because of gender dissonance experienced after transitioning). So, dear friend, are my concerns valid? I realize I can always follow Lori's advice and vote with my feet, moving out of my home (that I love except for the whole sense that I can't be myself when others are here). Short of that, well, I'm open to anything. Thanks again.

The way I tend to think of it is equilibrium. When you face the tipping point where one dysphoria replaces another, then stop. Take a look at your situation and see what you can do to help yourself reach the point of equilibrium where you're genuinely happy. Whatever form that takes. That is different for different people, and can change often throughout the course of a lifetime. But is surely the overriding pursuit to keep in mind.

Of course your concerns are valid, Annika. And I get very much where you're coming from. Being who you see in your mind's eye makes you feel real, and happy. But you live in a world where being that person is hard, sometimes prohibitively, and you're scared that you're one day going to "Wake up" and think it's all been a wonderful dream.

All I would suggest to you, sweetie is that... well... the world where we flit between forms like fireflies between dark trees in a forest... perhaps that's the dream. And outside of that, that's when you're really awake. In which case, you won't ever lose that. *hugs*

I appreciate and support every bit of what you said there, Lauren. It reminds me so much of Eckhart Tolle. When I shut out the external and internal noise and experience myself as I truly am, it's impossible to deny that I am this. The rest of the time, I'm just trying to navigate a world that has very narrow requirements and expectations. Remembering that I am this is an on-going practice.

I think the question for many comes down to: Is it worth it? That's a deeply personal and often painful question to ask and answer.

The way you're feeling, Annika, reminds me very much of the poem "A Dream Within a Dream" by Edgar Allen Poe

Quote from: Sephirah on Today at 02:47:39 PM"A Dream Within a Dream" by Edgar Allen Poe

I have always loved this poem!

Quote from: Lori Dee on Today at 02:51:54 PMI have always loved this poem!

Me too, Lori. <3