Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I don't know where to put this topic. My two "no-no" ways of coping are booze and blades, so I'll assume that you can toss them into the same bin.

I haven't cut in about ten years, and I was never an extensive cutter like those people who post on YouTube. I threw my blades away a long time ago. A few weeks ago, I got to wishing that I hadn't. I wanted them, if only to know that I had them in case I needed them.

Recently I made a joke about cutting to my partner, and he said, "We have razor blades in the garage. Do you want me to show you where they are?" I said no. Not because I didn't want them but because the logical place for them was the tool caddy, and I figured I could find them myself when he wasn't around.

Last week, I had a really bad day and went looking for the blades. All I found was an empty box. I'm not into kitchen knives or anything like that, so I figured I would have to buy some new blades.

I did so today.

I don't really WANT to carve myself up, but if I get to feeling really bad, I'm afraid that I will. The blades are like the brandy in the liquor cabinet: now that I've got them, the possibility for abuse exists.

Right now, I've got three things holding me back. My pride is one. If I cut, I see myself as weak. I keep thinking that I should be able to get through without it, just like I'm doing with the booze.

Disclosure is another. I don't want people to know about it. If I cut in the usual place, my arms, then my partner and my therapist will figure it out. I can cut somewhere else, of course. But my partner could see the slices even if they were somewhere else. In addition, I don't think this would be a good thing to hide from my therapist. I promised myself that I wouldn't lie to him. Omitting might not be lying, but hiding something like this would be dishonest and counterproductive. If I told him, I would feel ashamed that I was such a wuss that I resorted to cutting. I would feel like a failure. I'm not sure I could keep it a secret, but I would want to.

The third thing is kinda stupid. I look at cutting as a girl strategy. I am not a girl.

I'm not talking about lasting harmful effects. I'm not talking about suicide. Just light cutting, a couple of slices that will heal in a couple of weeks. But I can't think of any other reasons NOT to do it. My pride is eroding, and I'm getting to the point where I don't care who knows. Screw them. And some guys do cut.

I'm doing fine on the drinking. I'm still dry. But this...has a different kind of pull. I'm wearing down. If I get the urge to cut, how do I stop myself? Should I stop myself? It WILL make me feel better, at least temporarily...

Excuse me for being dumb and ignorant but... how does cutting yourself make you feel better? I know people do this, but I don't know why. I don't mean any offense, Arch, I just... getting cut always makes me feel worse. I would like to understand.

Quote from: Leiandra on September 02, 2008, 07:30:47 PM
Excuse me for being dumb and ignorant but... how does cutting yourself make you feel better? I know people do this, but I don't know why. I don't mean any offense, Arch, I just... getting cut always makes me feel worse. I would like to understand.

I don't know...it kinda hurts, but there's a sense of immense relief and release, almost sexual, like an orgasm. Then I feel kind dreamy afterward. And good.

I think there's some kind of endorphin release--I read something about it a long time ago. It's not like slicing onions and hurting yourself accidentally and dancing around the kitchen in pain.

I think it can be a kind of release. My partner cut herself for a long time and it was because she was depressed. She felt she was worthless and I think cutting herself was like saying "I value myself so little I deserve the pain and punishment". Perhaps it is just something to focus on other than your pain. It freaked the >-bleeped-< out of me.

I don't think it is weakness Arch, more a coping mechanism. Not being able to cope with things does not make you weak, it just makes you human. It should be a good indication that things are not right. Before you do it I would suggest talking to your therapist about it.

Thank you. So... it's the release of endorphins that makes you feel good? That... makes sense, I guess. They are the body's natural painkiller.

But... if you want that release, couldn't you get it some other way... like going for a run or some other form of exercise? That releases endorphins, too, and would be far more beneficial to your health than having to cut yourself to get them.

Quote from: Leiandra on September 02, 2008, 07:47:14 PM
Thank you. So... it's the release of endorphins that makes you feel good? That... makes sense, I guess. They are the body's natural painkiller.

But... if you want that release, couldn't you get it some other way... like going for a run or some other form of exercise? That releases endorphins, too, and would be far more beneficial to your health than having to cut yourself to get them.

I don't think it would have the same 'hit'. Perhaps when your feeling destructive it is hard to do something constructive like running.

So it's an expression of self-hatred and punishment, too?

...

I understand.

But... if you feel the need to punish yourself couldn't you externalise it somehow? Channel that desire? How about getting a punching bag, writing down everything you don't like about yourself, the reasons you feel you need to cut yourself... then taping it to the bag and beating the living daylights out of it until you're too tired to go on?

Probably best not to focus on cutting itself as the problem. It is a symptom of something else more than likely. 

I don't think Arch really needs a solution from us. I think it is more helpful to just be a soundboard and an ear. I understand the desire to help, but if it were as easy as punching a bag I don't think there would be as many cutters about.

Quote from: Nicky on September 02, 2008, 09:12:37 PM
if it were as easy as punching a bag I don't think there would be as many cutters about.

I never thought about it that way. And I remember feeling satisfaction at inflicting damage on myself, too. Soaking up the blood with a tissue. Putting on the bandaids. The whole ritual.

Exercise can help, but I'm limited by injuries. My hands are messed up. My ankle is messed up.

Come to think of it, yesterday was when the cutting urge got much much worse, and my ankle was bothering me yesterday, so I only exercised once instead of two or three times. Maybe I've been keeping the cutting urges at bay by exercising more.

But I keep thinking, why shouldn't I cut? Why am I struggling so hard against it when it does me no permanent damage and will make me feel better? Is cutting bad?

I guess if I didn't feel like cutting right now, I would say that cutting is not good. But now, I don't know.

I must think on this.

yes as already mentioned i also cut as a teenager trying to deal with GID and life in general, it was for me a release too and something to do with happy endorphins.

Sure it hurt like hell and at the same time i felt better afterwards. I swapped cutting for drug abuse though which was alot deeper and longer lasting.
Have never really felt the need to go back to cutting it was more of an age thing for me before i knew or had access to hard drugs.

Arch, have you found an avenue for your pain, its time to clear out the cabinet before it gets full again and the exercise idea is a very good one because you get to release those same endorphin's that cutting gives out with 100% less guilt and 50% less pain :)

you beat it before and now its time to call upon those thoughts and feeling that helped you before. Punchbags are good i personally managed to draw on the strength of a good partner who broke my addictive nature and it sounds like your is trying to do the same.

I was thinking of trying cutting-- for a purely experimental purpose. Something about bleeding and being hurt is mildly thrilling for me, but I think it I did it to myself it would loose the thrill. I like knowing I got hurt on the job or working. Then I can think, "I got this battle scar putting up sheet rock." I don't know, it's weird. But I've never wanted to cut to "cope." It's always been about curiosity, which is why I've never really done it.

I really don't see how cutting or drinking would help anyone. It's avoidance. A refusal to face one's fears and problems.

Quote from: Elwood on September 03, 2008, 12:19:47 PM
I really don't see how cutting or drinking would help anyone. It's avoidance. A refusal to face one's fears and problems.

Probably. Or maybe a way of channeling frustration over an inability to cope. I've never dissected it.

So, I cracked up four or five times in the last twelve hours. I don't know whether I feel better, but I don't feel like cutting at the moment.

Now I'll put in some time on the stationary bike, I hope. Just have to get off my lazy ass and do it.

Cutters never really do think about it. And they don't want tom. Sometimes, I think they just like slicing their arms to ribbons so they have something to talk about.

Quote from: Elwood on September 03, 2008, 02:00:22 PM
Cutters never really do think about it. And they don't want to. Sometimes, I think they just like slicing their arms to ribbons so they have something to talk about.

I can't speak for other cutters. When I was doing it, I thought I was the only one. Perhaps it wasn't as popular a pastime in the Reagan years (I started in 1980) as it is now, but I never met another self-confessed cutter, not in person.

But I definitely thought about cutting. I wondered why I did it--came to the conclusion that it must have been self-punishment, and then left it at that. And I struggled not to do it and was frequently successful. After I stopped doing it, I did some reading and learned that there was probably more to it--not just the endorphin rush, I mean. But I was satisfied that I wasn't going to do it anymore, so I didn't further delve into the phenomenon.

Maybe those poor souls on YouTube like to talk about it and show it off. I definitely don't get them. I always did minimal cutting and kept it very very secret. I was ashamed of it. I still am--not of the cutting that I've done in the past, because I didn't know what else to do then. But I'm ashamed that I've been considering it lately.

Now that my most benign and cherished coping strategies are gone, it seems that all I'm left with are the ugly ones that only come out when I am at my weakest. That's why I came here and posted about it. Not because I wanted "something to talk about" (yeah, I know you were just expressing a point of view) but because I needed help and figured that the people here wouldn't kick me when I'm down. But in reality, nobody here can kick me any harder than I am kicking myself. I have a real talent for that.

I've suffered from varying degrees of GID for forty years. Is it any wonder that I've got some ugly skeletons in my closet? I just want to get through this phase of my life alive and relatively intact so that I can figure out who and what I really am--and so that I can fully become that person instead of pretending to be what I'm not. But tossing out decades of habits, decades of denial and hiding and suppression, is not undertaken lightly. My true gender is fighting me tooth and nail, every inch of the way.

It's shaping up to be a long, bloody battle, even if I never set razor to skin.

Quote from: Elwood on September 03, 2008, 02:00:22 PM
Cutters never really do think about it. And they don't want tom. Sometimes, I think they just like slicing their arms to ribbons so they have something to talk about.

I never told a soul and hide mine from all around me

The urge to self-mutilate seems to have passed. I think I'm starting to really come to terms with the loss of my usual coping strategies; but whatever is happening, I feel a lot more stable now. And, characteristically, I now find myself thinking, "Cutting is bad. How could you EVER think that it might be good?"

Yes, well, perspective changes when we're under stress.

If I get the urge again, I'll try to talk to my therapist about it. It's kind of hard to do that when I'm in the middle of such an episode.  ::)

Thanks for listening.

I have been a cutter on and off for years. I have also been a drinker. I'm a little over a year out of cutting, and this is my third day sober...

For me the cutting was about actually getting to see and feel the pain on the outside, it made it less painful on the inside. It was also about punishing myself. It was an immense relief for the unamable depths of the ickyness inside. And mine was always hidden. I still have scars, and part of having a hard time taking new partners is the explanations of the scars...

I understand the need to cut. I hope you can avoid it. Sometimes finding a new outlet or even just a distraction helps. I have found journaling or just playing with some sort of little toy, like a rubics cube or squeezy ball helps with the hand itchys. A distraction is good, too. Talking to a friend or playing a stupid online game. If nothing else, I employ the "If I just keep pretending I am fine, eventually I will be fine" method.

Im a cutter. I don't do it anymore. Unfortuntely though every few months something bad happens and I do it again. I try really hard not to though. Its not worth it. And it is an addiction. I feel shaky if I want to and can't. But Im trying to prove to myself that im better than the blade

Quote from: Remetan on November 02, 2009, 02:30:28 PM
I have been a cutter on and off for years. I have also been a drinker. I'm a little over a year out of cutting, and this is my third day sober...

Good for you for not cutting and for being dry for three days.

This thread brings back such fond memories...yow, I can't believe that a little over a year ago I was pre-transition, just starting therapy, and trying not to slice myself up. How time flies...

Yeah, I don't understand cutting.

Cutting to me is those myspace pictures of teenaged girls with scarred arms and black butterfly wallpaper. It seems rather ridiculous.

Why does cutting start? Does it seem like it'll solve anything the first time you try it?

I'm just curious.

Personally, when I get angry and frustrated, I just run a few miles. Makes me feel better and it's healthy too. I'm sorry to hear about your screwed up hands and ankle.

Quote from: SilverFang on November 03, 2009, 01:57:54 AM
Yeah, I don't understand cutting.

Cutting to me is those myspace pictures of teenaged girls with scarred arms and black butterfly wallpaper. It seems rather ridiculous.

Why does cutting start? Does it seem like it'll solve anything the first time you try it?

I'm just curious.

Personally, when I get angry and frustrated, I just run a few miles. Makes me feel better and it's healthy too. I'm sorry to hear about your screwed up hands and ankle.

I started off with various forms of angry self-abuse (no, not jacking off) like banging on my foot with a hammer or smacking my head against the wall. I had frustrations to get out. I didn't want to destroy property or hurt someone else. And I felt that I deserved to hurt. That's how it started for me.

My joints are better now that I'm on T, although I still can't lift weights. That sort of drives me nuts. My ankle is much better, partly because of the T and partly because I lost a lot of weight. It's that much less force for my ankle to handle.

Hi Arch and everyone,

Is this similar to other addictions? I'm an alcoholic (there I've said it publicly for the first time) and I've been trying to give up for ever. I'm dry now since the 11 September last month. I'm trying the rational recovery method, it has a web site and can be googled. So far so good. I'm not the sort of person who is any use at group counselling, I'm anti-social (typical TG I think) so many of the so called therapies are useless. But this seems to be working.

Maybe of some use, I hope so.

Cindy

Quote from: SilverFang on November 03, 2009, 01:57:54 AM
Yeah, I don't understand cutting.

Cutting to me is those myspace pictures of teenaged girls with scarred arms and black butterfly wallpaper. It seems rather ridiculous.

Thats a terrible stereotype. There are obnoxious girls who do it because they think they are cool no doubt but most cutters are any other person who is in deep pain. Youd be surprised to know that someone you care about is secretely cutting themselves, its pretty scary. 

Quote from: Arch on September 02, 2008, 07:40:53 PM
I don't know...it kinda hurts, but there's a sense of immense relief and release, almost sexual, like an orgasm. Then I feel kind dreamy afterward. And good.

I think there's some kind of endorphin release--I read something about it a long time ago. It's not like slicing onions and hurting yourself accidentally and dancing around the kitchen in pain.

For me, just in my opinion, cutting helped ease my mental pain.  So when I was in physical pain it really helped my mental pain.  My arms and legs are literally covered in scars.  Three times, I cut myself on different places on my arm, and yellow tissue / fat started bulging out of my cut.  My mum taped me back together and I had to not use that arm for a while.  I've been to the mental hospital 3 times for this.  I identify as an ex-cutter though, because it's been 2 years since I've done it.  My family doctor said that you can use super glue to hold it back together, all honesty!  I'm not making that up. 

People who have never experienced cutting as a way to ease the mental pain, they won't understand because they aren't going through mental pain.  I agree there are girls out there who do it for attention.  But almost 50% of my cuts are hidden by my clothes.  I haven't talked with anyone about this in a long time because I was trying to stop.  But I don't want others to cut because it's a dangerous way to ease your mental pain.  It's a temporary feeling of freedom  with permanent results.

If you cut, please go to therapy or counseling.  Don't let it get so bad that you either end up in a mental hospital or dead.

Quote from: Red on November 03, 2009, 06:20:55 AM
  My family doctor said that you can use super glue to hold it back together, all honesty!  I'm not making that up. 

Super glue was invented to hold skin together.

Quote from: LordKAT on December 13, 2009, 04:48:29 PM
Super glue was invented to hold skin together.

Hunh. I seem to remember reading that it was an accidental discovery, but I don't remember the details.

Please friends, don't harm yourselves  ??? :( >:( :P :'( :-* :icon_hug:

The Real Scoop on the Use of Tissue Adhesive for Wound Closure
From: AFryeMidwf@aol.com (Anne Frye)

For several years there has been increasing interest in the midwifery community regarding the use of commonly available "Super Glue" types of adhesives for wound closure. Midwives who have done a little research have found that the cyanoacrylate glue (Super Glue) sold over-the-counter and medical cyanoacrylate glues are apparently identical in composition and rumored to the be same as the tissue adhesive used extensively during the Vietnam War. Some midwives have even used over-the-counter Super Glue (Krazy Glue) successfully in lieu of suture to close the perineum.

In readying in the 5th edition of Healing Passage: A Midwife's Guide to the Care and Repair of the Tissues Involved in Birth, I felt it was important to address this issue. This article offers an expanded version of the information you will also find in the new edition.

History and development:

In 1959, a variety of cyanoacrylate adhesives were developed, some types of which are now used for surgical purposes in Canada and Europe. These glues polymerize on contact with basic substances such as water or blood to form a strong bond. The first glue developed was methyl cyanoacrylate, which was studied extensively for its potential medical applications and was rejected due to its potential tissue toxicity such as inflammation or local foreign body reactions. Methyl alcohol has a short molecular chain which contributes to these complications.





http://www.fensende.com/Users/swnymph/refs/glue.html (http://www.fensende.com/Users/swnymph/refs/glue.html)

Quote from: LordKAT on December 13, 2009, 10:30:24 PM
The first glue developed was methyl cyanoacrylate, which was studied extensively for its potential medical applications and was rejected due to its potential tissue toxicity such as inflammation or local foreign body reactions.
http://www.fensende.com/Users/swnymph/refs/glue.html (http://www.fensende.com/Users/swnymph/refs/glue.html)

Forgive me if I get all teacherly on you, but there's nothing here to suggest that superglue was actually developed specifically for use on skin. The passage only states that once it was developed, it was then considered for medical use.

Okay, I'll stop being obnoxious.

The original cyanoacrylates (the chemical name for the glue) were discovered in 1942 in a search for materials to make clear plastic gun sights for the war, and scientists stumbled upon a formulation that stuck to everything that it came in contact with. However, cyanoacrylates were quickly rejected by American researchers precisely because they stuck to everything! In 1951, cyanoacrylates were rediscovered by Eastman Kodak researchers Harry Coover and Fred Joyner, who recognized its true commercial potential, and it was first sold as a commercial product in 1958.

I know someone else who cuts. It hurts me to hear about people doing that but I suppose I can understand.

You said you feel dreamy afterwards and it is kind of an endorphine rush.

There is one safe way to achieve a lot of pain and the rush without actually hurting yourself. Not sure if you would try it or not but I LOVE it!

Extreme hot sauce such as Mad Dog 357 Silver Addition. http://www.hotsauceworld.com/maddog357hot.html (http://www.hotsauceworld.com/maddog357hot.html)

It is made with pepper extract and believe me, even a tiny bit on the end of a toothpick will send most people running for a glass of milk and regret it for about 15 minutes.

Well, if you ever do try this let me know how it turned out. hehe It really would be nice if you could find another way to hurt yourself that was actually healthy!

It really would be nice if you could find another way to hurt yourself that was actually healthy!

Its called a gym, or do any number of 'sports'.

another point to it is distraction. i think. or maybe an expression of self hate. a way to get back at your self. i think it is an addiction. i know i get urges to. guess thats the reason i came looking for this thread, gods i sound so emo, but im trying to talk it out instead of act on it, thats a good thing right? 

Ffern, it definitely helps to find distraction, and people to commune with. Talk away. There's always someone here to listen.

I for one am glad that the urge to cut wasn't with me for very long this time--that is, when I started this thread. I guess I can thank my therapist and my support groups for that. And then I transitioned...it makes such a difference.

:( I guess I should share.
I've historically had a massive problem with self harm, I unsurprisingly used it as a method of coping with the dysphoria and a in turn became a method of justifying it.
"I'm mutating into this horrible masculine thing I want it to stop but it won't, My body hates me and I hate it thus it's acceptable if I abuse it to get solace from it Like I feel it's doing to me"

Of course with this reasoning it becomes easier the more masculine you are to sacrifice new regions your body, You truly hate your form so much and the next day it's worse and you'll you find a new way of hating it more than yesterday.

Cutting never offered euphoria... It's just a day of tranquillity when your mind was a unending act a whirlwind of pain, disgust and guilt.

I started when I was 13, I was completely undiscovered thus became extremely skilled at inflicting massive injury onto myself without bleeding to death (I did use super-glue and suture myself) I would bleed into the bath to hide the blood and at it's most extreme I would bleed myself so much that the bathwater turned so dark red I couldn't see the bottom of the bath. I lost pints and pints of blood through these huge centimetre deep lacerations I would wish it to end but I never did die.

I sometimes now joke with friends how through scientific experimentation I proven I have infinite blood... ^_^
I've also cried out to deities while bleeding to fix the reason why I need to do it thus proven that blood gods cannot perform sex changes no matter how much blood you give them lol!

Over time the scars fade abit but remain they cover at least 30% of my body and the majority of my front smothering my upper arms shoulders, chest, breasts stomach whole of my abdomen, hips and thighs all the way down-to the knees and appearing again on my ankles and feet.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv63%2FDarkphantom%2Foldscars.png&hash=1a143dde27e9173a6e08091dc73c658cc3bb60f2) A shot of my upper arms. The pink scar is only 9 months old the others are like 2 to 4 years old and have faded. It's this distinct webbing and ribbing pattern along with hypopigmentation that never fades.

You know what's really REALLY strange? I can live with them... not only that.
Given this choice.

1: Be cured of your scars
or
2: Become a female but have double the scarring including my face.

I'd choose 2 in a heartbeat. Just gives some order of magnitude to the nature of the dysphoric feelings.

Quote from: tekla on December 14, 2009, 10:51:46 AM
It really would be nice if you could find another way to hurt yourself that was actually healthy!

Its called a gym, or do any number of 'sports'.

I wish it had worked for me, but it just didn't. Exercise is constructive pain; I think that when I was a teenager and young adult, I felt the need to be truly destructive. Hence the drinking and the cutting. Fortunately, neither one ever got very bad. My mother taught me well; even when I felt that I was circling the drain, I did it in a controlled way. ::)

P.S. Of course, when I was nineteen, my eczema came back with a vengeance, all over my body. I hurt all over, all the time, even when I didn't move. And perspiration was agony and made me break out even more. So exercise was out of the question. I suppose we all show our stress in our own way.

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Post Merge: February 27, 2010, 12:29:03 PM

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Quote from: pebbles on February 27, 2010, 12:06:47 PM
Of course with this reasoning it becomes easier the more masculine you are to sacrifice new regions your body, You truly hate your form so much and the next day it's worse and you'll you find a new way of hating it more than yesterday.

I'm sorry. Are you feeling better now?

Quote from: Arch on February 27, 2010, 01:25:14 PM
I'm sorry. Are you feeling better now?

Much better, thank you ^_^

Quote from: pebbles on February 27, 2010, 01:42:50 PM
Much better, thank you ^_^

GOOD.

I have never been a cutter. But I have many friends who are...I will not hold stigmas or stereotypes on any cutters here.

I'm not simply going to say, "Don't do it!" or "Stop!" as if it was that easy there wouldn't be cutters.

I have no experience myself so I'm not going to sit here typing, thinking I am.

So I just want to say good luck and the best thing to do is to socialize and at least try and talk to people who are close to you...Not to stop the cutting but to manage the pain and release it onto something else that's more healthy and productive.

Cutting may seem like a big release but it's not. That's why people keep coming back for more.

I inflict shallow incisions on myself with a razor blade now and then. It's a masochistic thing - I find the mild pain and the emotional release erotic, calming - even a bit thrilling sometimes. It's not an addiction, though - I've never gotten a craving for it, just as I've never seriously craved alcohol or marijuana. I might get concerned if I did, but as it stands, I view cutting as part of a range of masochistic pleasures - akin to flogging, whipping, caning, electricity play and so on. I'm careful to use clean and fresh blades, and I have bandages on hand when I do it, so I don't view it as problematic.

Quote from: Aelita on February 27, 2010, 08:56:11 PM
Cutting may seem like a big release but it's not. That's why people keep coming back for more.

Not to be obnoxious, but please don't speak for other people in this way. Cutting helped me somewhat when I was younger. I'm not saying that it was altogether good or that it wasn't harmful in any way, but it did give me a certain release. It was very much like an orgasm (which many people feel is the ultimate release). When I cut, my anxiety decreased. I paid a smaller price in shame, but the transaction was a net gain, at least in the short term.

Insert into your statement any activity that is considered healthy (and therefore free of negative bias), and the assertion makes no sense: "Daily exercise may seem like a big release but it's not. That's why people keep coming back for more." "Orgasm may seem like a big release but it's not. That's why people keep coming back for more." Uh, no.

Anxiety builds, and people find ways to decrease it. One reason (not, admittedly, the only one) that I came back for more cutting was that eventually my tension built up again, which it is wont to do from time to time. Another reason is that I felt good after, and sometimes even during, cutting. So I came back for that. Other people may have other reasons and get other effects from it. But I feel that the effect should not be automatically invalidated just because it is temporary.

Quote from: Arch on February 28, 2010, 12:51:32 AM
Not to be obnoxious, but please don't speak for other people in this way. Cutting helped me somewhat when I was younger. I'm not saying that it was altogether good or that it wasn't harmful in any way, but it did give me a certain release. It was very much like an orgasm (which many people feel is the ultimate release). When I cut, my anxiety decreased. I paid a smaller price in shame, but the transaction was a net gain, at least in the short term.

Insert into your statement any activity that is considered healthy (and therefore free of negative bias), and the assertion makes no sense: "Daily exercise may seem like a big release but it's not. That's why people keep coming back for more." "Orgasm may seem like a big release but it's not. That's why people keep coming back for more." Uh, no.

Anxiety builds, and people find ways to decrease it. One reason (not, admittedly, the only one) that I came back for more cutting was that eventually my tension built up again, which it is wont to do from time to time. Another reason is that I felt good after, and sometimes even during, cutting. So I came back for that. Other people may have other reasons and get other effects from it. But I feel that the effect should not be automatically invalidated just because it is temporary.

This makes sense to me. I won't judge one way or the other, but it seems perfectly plausible that cutting could be a very powerful release, and possibly even quite helpful. Probably a circumstantial distinction.

I'm not a cutter, but have had friends who are. I won't assume to understand it either

I'm naturally clumsy enough to not need to purposely harm myself... Although I often think about stabbing myself to death... But that's another subject

However I did reach across to get something from the dish drainer and accidentally got a steak knife stuck in my arm. I felt it strike against the bone and found that interesting... Pulled the knife out and watched my arm bleed awhile

Other times I've accidentally cut myself I've been fascinated by it...

Watching it bleed and walking down a street watching it bleed down my arm and flicking the blood off my finger tips onto the sidewalk

It was all good fun until I woke up in the ER because I'd nearly bled to death

Can I just say, as loud as I can. PLEASED DON'T USE SUPERGLUE TO MEND CUT SKIN.

If you must cut, make sure use use something clean.

Wash the cut after, in cold running water.

Dry with toilet paper or something absorbent and clean.

Put an end of a short piece of medical tape on one side of the cut and pull the cut together before pressing down.

The only way for a cut to heal is to draw it together with nothing inside. Any germs and an infection will set in.

I appreciate that midwives might use superglue, but they are not using it that way. The cuts they repair are completely different. And those cuts are bathed in female hormones, developed over millions of years to repair such damage very quickly.

When I first started this thread, I looked all over for a better forum. Addictions seemed like the best choice.

Quote from: ativan on February 28, 2010, 09:27:51 AM
That's a form or part of it in my opinion. I've watched myself bleeding, also fascinated. Dangerous stuff.
Just the mental picture of walking down the street and flicking blood...... Almost makes me want to cut deep. But I won't. I don't need another trip to the psyche unit. They just don't understand it in there.

Yeah, I guess some folks felt a bit disturbed by that... Particularly when I would pause to draw a smiley face with the blood... They did have a psych. question me about it at the hospital  :icon_chick: :icon_drdodgy:

I'm a cutter. It's very difficult to explain. I usually go into depersonalization mode and don't even remember all the cuts I've made. I don't get a rush or anything. It's like all of the mental pain turns into physical.

I also pull my hair out -- Trichotillomania.

In a way, for me at least, both are like tics and impulses, that are hard to control and many times you're not even in control.

My cuts are mostly on my legs, and people rarely see them. I never show them off. Many people don't know about it. People know about my hair 'cause they'll see me twisting and pulling my hair without me realize I'm doing it. I pull out chunks of hair out sometimes. I hate doing it so much. I'm in therapy and I'm on several meds to help.

I also have mild tourette's and other tics. With the tourettes, I just tell people that I come with sound effects 'cause I'll kinda twitch and make some kinda weird sound, click, or make a throat clearing sound, combined with blinking, squinting my eyes, a weird smile, and a bit of a twitch or other movement.

It's sad, 'cause people make fun of others with tourettes and other tics, just as they make fun of cutters. (the idea that someone with tourettes constantly swearing is pretty rare, and is a complex tic that doesn't happen often unless the person is really stressed).

I rarely talk about my tics or my 'cause they are embarrassing to me. 

Quote from: gothique11 on April 21, 2010, 11:52:12 PM
I also pull my hair out -- Trichotillomania.

Wow, I used to do this when I was a kid. For a long time, I couldn't control it. At least I thought I couldn't. But then my mother noticed and took me to the doctor. She thought my hair was falling out, and I was too embarrassed to contradict her. After that, I worked hard to control the urge. I managed to break the habit, but I eventually replaced it with something else.

Cutting like most behaviours, will be controlled when you are ready.

I use to have several repetitive behaviours, one was to repeatedly open my mouth very wide, another was to twist my shoulders around. I still get the urge to do these. I now have arthritus in my neck, so it can be quite painful to move my shoulders too much, but the strange satisfaction is occasionally more compelling than the pain.

Cutting is, perhaps, more dramatic because it is associated with suicide. Though, of course, it has nothing to do with suicide at all. Terms such as self harming are a nonsense as this can include smoking or driving too fast. It might even include spending too much time on your computer!!

Though, I think, perhaps, the most annoying thing is when someone catches you and goes into one of those contrived panics, asking you why you want to do that, do you want to die? Dragging you off to the Dr or worse, some quack psychotherapist getting her rocks off by asking you stupid questions.

I used to be really bad when it came to cutting I remember at some point I didn't even just do it to ease pain I just felt I had to or something awful would happen. It's really hard for people to understand because all they think about is the physical pain, but I found it to be an even better release for emotional pain then crying which back then I never did because of the cutting. I've never been into crying in private or around other people. I know now all it was doing was causing me to bury more and more feelings but back then it just made sense.

A few people knew and expressed what I was doing was hurting them, but I think at the time that was part of it's charm because I knew even though they hurt me I hurt myself far worse then they ever could. I cut all over my body, but the only places people saw were my arms which I tried to avoid cutting because I knew if anyone at school noticed I would be in serious trouble. I never cared enough about myself or other people to bother to stop. I tried to get help a couple of times, but my parents didn't want to admit that their perfect 'daughter' wasn't so perfect and wouldn't bring me to get help so I continued doing it on a daily basis until about a year ago.

I had dated plenty of people when I was cutting all of whom new and all of whom tried to stop me telling me stuff like "Anytime you feel like you need to cut just imagine they're my limbs and not yours." or my favorite "Go buy a happy meal and get over it emo kid." Most of them were emotionally abusive I don't think I even really loved them, but I felt I needed something or someone to hold onto.

When I met Mon I was a total wreck and wasn't even attempting to change my ways. She for some odd misguided reason fell in love with me and I fell in love with her. I remember the night before she asked me to be with her I was in the bathroom at it again except this time I had taken a bunch of pain pills before hand and was bleeding a lot more then I ever had when cutting. If I remember correctly I was set off by an ex of mine that was literally stalking me. I didn't tell Mon about this, but the next time I talked to her she expressed her feelings when it came to cutting because apparently her ex was trying to guilt trip her into getting back with him by threatening to cut if she didn't. For the first time I actually felt guilty about what I'd done and I promised myself if she gave me the chance I would become the best person I could for her. We did end up getting together it was only two months, but it was the first time ever I even came close to getting my head straight. She taught me that emotions weren't the enemy and that I could come to someone if I was hurting that bad. Even though we aren't together anymore I still come to her if I need someone to talk to.

I relapsed about two months ago, but it was different then all the other times I had done it, it just hurt it had no effect on my emotional pain. I don't know what that means, but it can't be anything bad. I think I'll always have the thoughts but the fact the actual action no longer has the effect it used to has to be some sort of good sign.

Quote from: spacial on April 22, 2010, 03:06:31 AMThough, I think, perhaps, the most annoying thing is when someone catches you and goes into one of those contrived panics, asking you why you want to do that, do you want to die? Dragging you off to the Dr or worse, some quack psychotherapist getting her rocks off by asking you stupid questions.

Gah. That's sort of what happened to me when a friend reported me to the school authorities. I thought I could trust my boyfriend, but he told her and she ratted on me. What a fiasco. I still get pissed off when I think about it.

Of course, I did have lots of suicidal thoughts back then, but this was cutting, not a suicide attempt.

I used to cut through middle school and high school, when I was very depressed and anxious. Cutting was a way to just get out of the horrible loops that were going on in my head, as there was nothing to focus on but the pain. It was also a way for me to punish myself, since I hated myself and my body, and one tiny thing I had control over when I felt like I couldn't control anything else.

After years of this, and then therapy, I think what truly made me stop was seeing my mother cry-- this wasn't just hurting me, it was really deeply hurting my family.

I very rarely feel the impulse to do it anymore, but I do admit that there have been times where I wanted to do it after accidentally hurting my boyfriend emotionally. I've held off, though, and talked with him instead. I do occasionally pinch myself or dig my nails into my palms to keep my anxiety in check, but that's become rare as well.

Man, this hasn't been posting in a while, but I feel like it's really important to show that people aren't alone. Mostly I feel a bit frightened because I'm always scared if I talk about it, I'll want to do so.

For me, cutting was a way to punish myself for being so weird and unwanted. I also had well, still do, a fetish for blood and would revel in it and just, be happy from it.

The only reason why I stopped is because my mate told me to. It's been better since I don't have chances of infection, plus it would hurt really bad, and I would always get looks or bad words passed toward me because I wouldn't try to hide them.

Quote from: gothique11 on April 21, 2010, 11:52:12 PM
I'm a cutter. It's very difficult to explain. I usually go into depersonalization mode and don't even remember all the cuts I've made. I don't get a rush or anything. It's like all of the mental pain turns into physical.

In a way, for me at least, both are like tics and impulses, that are hard to control and many times you're not even in control.

I also have mild tourette's and other tics. With the tourettes, I just tell people that I come with sound effects 'cause I'll kinda twitch and make some kinda weird sound, click, or make a throat clearing sound, combined with blinking, squinting my eyes, a weird smile, and a bit of a twitch or other movement.

It's sad, 'cause people make fun of others with tourettes and other tics, just as they make fun of cutters. (the idea that someone with tourettes constantly swearing is pretty rare, and is a complex tic that doesn't happen often unless the person is really stressed).

I rarely talk about my tics or my 'cause they are embarrassing to me. 

I really feel for you. I hate the fact people make fun really of anyone with some sort of disorder. I know what you mean by it being automatic, I got to a point in life i did it because I was bored and it felt really good.

I hate it because those people are the ones giving you reason to be embarrassed. You shouldn't be. It's something you have to deal with, not some sort of joke- those people are the ones who have the more serious mental/physical issue. Ones who are so insecure they can only be secure by preying on others? I find that the worst thing of all, yet people think it normal. That's the scary part.

Wow....f*ck.....I even deleted my old posts from this thread. I forgot I still had the notification still on. Posting and reading others posts finally got to me so bad. The overwhelming need to cut was getting out of control.

So I just had to go back and read the posts from you all. I was doing so good, I even bought an Xacto knife for a project. I've come so far in the last year, I think I have my GID at least reasonably under control, I've run the course and will be getting the HRT that I want maybe as soon as a month (another minor test, some blood work, and I'm there!).

But my anxiety has been running really high for the last couple months, with it getting worse each week it seems. Ativan....Hah! I'm on a big dose of Klonopin 2x a day and the ativan as back up for when I reallly freak.

Ooooh, just a little cut. Right up my thigh. nobody will notice, and it'll stop bleeding by morning. I have enough gauze and tape.....
This is tough, my mind is made up. F*ck I hate myself. f*ck i hate myself my f*cking self  f*ck me myself i

People are unkind and ignorant many times. Loving who you are is important. Each individual that is a minority of any type....(transgender is one type) needs to respect themselves and appreciate their uniqueness. You have to be the first to show respect to yourself and set an example for others. The world may be slow. You must not be. This is your life. Enjoy who you are. Laugh at yourself. Let your heart out of that bird cage of a chest and let it be free to love you. Being unique is an amazing thing. (admitted not always easy) but amazing.  When you feel life is too stressful  and the pain is  just too great, put on your favorite party music and make yourself dance and sing to the songs loudly until it passes. That is a happy form of exercise. Celebrate who you are!

Just do it God Damn it!!!  (Pardon the language please  :))

Many, Many, Many Big Hugs

Mrs Erocse.

Thank You for the kind words, I know you're trying to help.

The feelings and need to cut run deeper than any words I have.
I did have the blade out, I was staring at all the places I needed to cut.
I also took way to many (but not to many) ativan to unstress. They usually work with in a few minutes, but it seemed to take much longer.
Anyways, I kept thinking that somebody cared (You), and as the meds started to work, I just put everything back, cried some and fell asleep.
Thank You for caring, Thank You.

Ativan

Quote from: ativan on December 16, 2010, 04:22:59 PM
The feelings and need to cut run deeper than any words I have.
I did have the blade out, I was staring at all the places I needed to cut.
I also took way to many (but not to many) ativan to unstress. They usually work with in a few minutes, but it seemed to take much longer.

Trust me Ativan, I understand the feelings. Right now I'm going to through another rough time, and my mind goes right back to doing it to make me feel like a release, to feel like I'm living, but I know in the end-- it won't and I'll just break a promise.

Try to be careful with the medicine, OD'ing is not fun at all. Perhaps trying to find other things to do, what hobbies do you have?

Ativan, I hope you get to a good place soon. The thing is, people rarely arrive there as if by magic; they often have to drag themselves there. Sometimes by their fingernails. Sometimes kicking and screaming. Maybe, occasionally, with chemical help for those times when they can't make any movement. The important thing is to get there, and not give up.

I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
You're living in the past it's a new generation
A girl can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do
An' I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation
Oh no, not me

An' I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
Never said I wanted to improve my station
An' I'm only doin' good when I'm havin' fun
An' I don't have to please no one
An' I don't give a damn 'Bout my bad reputation
Oh no, not me

I don't give a damn 'Bout my reputation
I've never been afraid of any deviation
An' I don't really care if ya think I'm strange
I ain't gonna change An' I'm never gonna care 'Bout my bad reputation
Oh no, not me

An' I don't give a damn 'Bout my reputation
The world's in trouble there's no communication
An' everyone can say what they want to say
It never gets better anyway
So why should I care 'Bout a bad reputation anyway
Oh no, not me

I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation
You're living in the past it's a new generation
An' I only feel good when I got no pain
An' that's how I'm gonna stay
An' I don't give a damn 'Bout my bad reputation
Oh no, not me
Not me, not me

It's been my stepping off, jumping off, go forward when you don't know what's over that hill, pedal to the metal and the throttle is full tilt, yeah I know it's gonna hurt or kill me song. I just listen to it over and over till I feel better. I scare the boys and the girls won't talk to me. Least not till I shut the ignition off.
Thanks Arch, truly you know...

I am glad  you didn't cut last night. We do care. I know that I am a strange bird but I wish good things for you. I hope you have a Merry Christmas. I hope you see something that makes you smile. Eat something that pleases you. And listen to something that makes you feel good.

Many Hugs.
Good Nite.
Mrs. Erocse

Believe it or not Ativan, there are many here that care about you... Including myself

*HUGS*

i'm a cutter. I have therapy to help me with my decision making and anger managment. to stop myself from cutting I try to over analyze the effects my cutting is going to on have on me later. In your case, if you were to cut and not tell your therapist...that wouldnt really make the sessions productive and beneficial to you if you're not telling him/her everything.
also think about long term. whatever you're going thru now, it'll pass and you'll grow stronger. personally, i HATE looking at my scars. they remind me of weaker times in my life.
just think before you do anything, please

I started cutting in high school, like so many others do.  Was it so I could have something to talk about?  I highly doubt it considering I had been ostracized by most of my peers, and the other half was more interested in seeming helpful or supportive while really just having a "my problems worse contest."  The only other person I knew who cut and we confided in each other is my friend who started when she lost her virginity by rape at 16.  We let each other know, when the urge for the blade got bad we'd be there for each other, and when we succumbed we'd still without judgement be there for each other.  I think she was the first girl I truly loved.  She recovered, after six years.  I haven't.

It's a combination of things for me.  It's a sense of power, there is so much out of control in my life, but this pain and this act I control, or so I thought.  I also have borderline personality disorder, which doesn't help at all.  I'm also a perfectionist, apparently it's a common thing among perfectionists because we so often fall short of our own expectations.  But mostly now, it's an urge.  A very physical, and apparent urge that hits me most often when I'm anxious or having another bout of depression.  My left wrist starts to itch in a way that scratching does nothing.  My arm feels wrong all over, and I can sometimes ward off the feeling a little by hitting myself in those areas, but only for a short time.  I still sometimes falter.

Your analogy of cutting and alcoholism I think it very appropriate.  There may be a small number of us who started for the attention or whatever, but for the most part it's a coping mechanism we developed in our self-loathing, depression, or whatever else is going on, and it becomes an addiction in the truest sense of the word, withdrawals and all.

All I can say is, I understand where you're coming from, and I hope you don't fall back on the knife, because you don't control the pain, the pain controls you.

Quote from: Mrs Erocse on December 16, 2010, 10:00:06 PM
I am glad  you didn't cut last night. We do care. I know that I am a strange bird but I wish good things for you. I hope you have a Merry Christmas. I hope you see something that makes you smile. Eat something that pleases you. And listen to something that makes you feel good.

Many Hugs.
Good Nite.
Mrs. Erocse

I am quite sure that your hugs always have an extraordinary warmth to them.
Wishing you and Erocse a most peaceful Christmas!

Quote from: Virginia Marie on December 16, 2010, 10:23:00 PM
Believe it or not Ativan, there are many here that care about you... Including myself

*HUGS*

There are many here that I have come to care about. You're sweet and caring. Qualities that I'm envious of.
Big *HUGS* right back at ya!

I want to apologize for freaking out at rereading this thread. The timing could not have been any worse.
The impromtu support group really helped.

@JosephKT and aidengabriel... There is an understanding that is not the same as many other things. Your stories and comments reach into a part of me that only another cutter could comprehend. Welcome.

Quote from: ativan on December 16, 2010, 11:35:09 PM
@JosephKT and aidengabriel... There is an understanding that is not the same as many other things. Your stories and comments reach into a part of me that only another cutter could comprehend. Welcome.

It's funny the things that bring ones together, but like so many addictions I think it is a you have to be one to really know thing.  Freak outs happen, better it happens here than else where.  Hang in there.

Obviously, the vast majority of us would prefer that you not cut, Ativan. But if that's one of your coping mechanisms and it's the one you need at the time, then sobeit.

If you're able to decide not to cut sometimes, then that's a big step forward...but I do worry if you are substituting pills. Still, you're not going to fix yourself all in one day, are you?

Hold tight and remember that we really do care out here in the ether.

Thanks guys! Just getting past the urge is one thing, support from others means at least as much. Maybe more!
Thanks again

Ativan

One day at a time, hon. And if that's too much, one hour at a time. Or less. I used to live in fifteen-minute increments. As long as I didn't count how MANY fifteen-minute increments I had to get through, I was reasonably okay.

It does get better.

*POSSIBLE TRIGGERS*


For me, cutting came fast and hard. When I was about 16, I had a bad breakup with someone I really liked, and it triggered a terrible depression. Before this depressive episode, I already had a history of poor mental health. When I started cutting it was merely shallow scratches with pointed objects like protractors and pins. Towards the end I was using razors and broken glass to form deep gouges all over my body. There was a point when I was cutting myself over twenty times a day. =/
While I did it, I didn't talk about it to anyone. Many of my friends were also cutters, and while we knew each other was doing it, nobody said a thing.
It has been probably six or seven months since I have last cut, and months before that time as well. I am not a regular cutter anymore, and I have found that the longer you go without cutting, the more the desire to cut fades. Every once in a while, the urge flares up, but I never seriously want to hurt myself.

I did it for a multitude of reasons. It started as a way to outwardly express how deeply I hurt inside. I have always had incredible difficulty expressing my emotions, particularly anger. Taking out my anger on myself was the only thing I could do to release it. I also hated myself and hurt myself as punishment. When I started dating people I also started using cutting as a form of manipulation. If they were dating me, my cutting stopped being a secret to them. If they did something to hurt me, I would cut to punish them.
The longer it went on, the stupider the excuses became to cut. If I saw how many scars my friend had, I took it as a challenge if they had more than me, so I cut. Stupid things like that. I became very cold and uncaring. For a while I was incredibly ashamed of what I was doing and only hated myself more for being weak, but once that passed I stopped feeling anything all together.

The only reason I stopped cutting was because I developed a relationship with someone I could no longer hide it from. I couldn't cut if he was going to see my body, and I couldn't allow myself to hurt him.

Looking back, I really see how sick I was. When I stopped cutting, a gigantic burden was lifted off of me.

Quote from: Arch on September 02, 2008, 07:40:53 PM
I don't know...it kinda hurts, but there's a sense of immense relief and release, almost sexual, like an orgasm.

I've had the same experience myself, like this autumn I made 2-degree burns on myself with cigarettes, and I didn't feel pain, but just a rush inside, "like an orgasm", think I also moaned by pleasure.

I tried writing something a couple of days ago, but i was all twisted up and could barely even admit things to myself, let alone anyone else. It's been a dark few days and it's been very hard to resist the pull of the knife...i suppose i should be greatful that i managed to talk to someone, I don't really want to repeat what happened at lunch today.

I suppose i should be grateful I don't have that many scars this time round, though I'll be wearing long sleeves for the next couple of weeks.

Quote from: Helena on March 30, 2011, 05:23:34 PMI suppose i should be grateful I don't have that many scars this time round, though I'll be wearing long sleeves for the next couple of weeks.

I used to do that. I was always worried that someone would ask me why I had my sleeves down in hundred-degree heat.

Maybe you can resist the urge next time. Try to find a less harmful substitute for it, like exercise. (That never helped me much, I have to admit.) Or writing--that often helps me. Even if it comes out all twisted up...

I haven't actually cut in a very long time, though it's never really been far from my mind, it's just been the case that I'd be able to visualise the action and release some of the pain that way. I guess tho that I hurt myself in other more insidious ways that are easier to hide.

The really scary thing is just how quickly it all becomes twisted up...no one can know, though you know that if you can just talk to someone you'll be able to quell the urge. Actually telling someone last night was hard, but the pull of the knife was reduced afterwards.

I never understand cutting.  But if it is a pain you are trying to cover, maybe Kickboxing.  Let some of the energy out, release the hate, feel the pain of the burn.

Quote from: Janet Lynn on April 02, 2011, 06:51:01 PM
I never understand cutting.  But if it is a pain you are trying to cover, maybe Kickboxing.  Let some of the energy out, release the hate, feel the pain of the burn.

The hate is directed at your own body :/ It almost always accompanies depression in that state you have no energy to do anything.

I've cut once. With a ceramic blade.
Went to the hospital and then to the psych ward.
I don't think I"ll cut again but the entire experience was exhilirating.
I've been in several accidents where I've also been taken to the ER and it excites me every time. I think its because I love the exposure and the attention. But I doubt I'm addicted to it, i simply appreciate the full effect whenever the experience presents itself.

but the entire experience was exhilarating.

So is going driving with Thelma and Louise, once.

I have to admit that self harm is, to me, a peculiar trait.
You do it to kill yourself. Which  I can understand but never condone.

Kat,  You lost me on T &L ? I never liked the movie. I don't think I understood it.

Cindy

For me self harm was my way of not killing myself, it was my way of coping, i'm not saying self harm is a good thing as it's a very bad coping mechanism but I don't think i'd be here today without it.

I pretty much stopped self harming after accepting myself and coming out, i've only had a couple of slips but it's still my first thought when I feel anxious or depressed.

I've never been able to cut my self with a knife. Maybe, leave a mark or two, but that's it in that regard.
I self harm by punching a wall; i do this when i'm depressed, stressed, or doing it if i've upset someone.
I know it's wrong for me to be doing it & i'm already in contact with a therapist.