I was reading a medical magazine, and I ended up checking off more than half the sings on the Suicide Warning Signs List. That... I have to say, that concerns me. I thought I'd post them here.
SUICIDE WARNING SIGNS
-neglect of personal appearance
-sudden changes in manner of dress
-sudden change in appetite
-sense of hopelessness, helplessness
-wide mood changes and sudden outbursts (only at home)
-anxiousness, extreme tension, or agitation
-lethargy and tiredness
-changes in personality (only at home)
-loss of the ability to concentrate
-depression, sadness
-loss of rational thought
-feelings of guilt and failure
-self-destructive thoughts
-exaggerated fears of disease or physical impairment
-feelings of worthlessness or of being a burden
-threatening suicide
-describing methods of suicide
-decreased school activity; isolation. Sudden drop in achievement and interests in school subjects.
-loss of interest in hobbies (not all), sports, work, etc.
-withdrawal from family, sometimes acting in a manner which forces others away
-changes in eating and sleeping habits
-changes in friendship
-running away from home, "skipping school"
-preoccupation with thoughts of death
I have all of these. My reason for not seeing anyone about this is I am terrified of being strapped down to a chair or locked in a room like my dad told me what they do to "those people" I am actually crying right now from realizing that I have 95% of the signs on that list (the ones I do, I posted). I don't know what to do because to be honest like I said I'm terrified. I tried to distract myself with goals, like working out (have zero motivation for), moving (I feel like I have to move to a completely different country to be at peace with myself and away from my family), and I suppose, finding a partner (girlfriend) is one of the goals. I just get super depressed when I think about the girl I really love (to the point where I'd risk my life for her), but she already has a girlfriend and I am respecting that but I feel like I'll never find someone like her... Okay Cody, enough, now you're just going on a rant. But yeah. Suicide thoughts. I'm scared. :(
You must seek professional help before this goes too far. They won't lock you away or strap you down unless you are actually in the act of attempting suicide. Talking about your depressive feelings to your doctor will help him/her decide what course of action to take, usually prescribing some kind of anti-depressant and a referral for a suitable psychologist to help get to the root of the problems you are facing.
If these feelings are overwhelming and you need someone to talk to right now, please ring the suicide hotline in your state immediately. Don't be afraid, they are there to help you. :)
Thing is, I know I won't be able to physically talk because my throat always tightens up out of fear, it already is.
I understand, I have that happen too. :) Believe me, they are used to long silences, chocked up voices, they will let you speak in your own time till you feel better.
I think it is safe to post stuff here too, just let it all out. Amazingly those feelings do pass, unfortunately though, it can be temporary, if there is a mood disorder like depression, so you have to make an appointment to see a counselor or doctor, no matter what. :)
Huh. Did your dad actually relegate the mentally ill to the status of "those people?" So, uh, how is he going to possibly face and accept the level of variety the world contains? Specifically, you.
If you aren't of age, please be careful. I agree that if you are ever on the brink of suicide you should tell everyone and do whatever might keep it from happening. But if you are simply high risk and don't feel about to do anything impulsive and permanent, you might want to just lay low. If your father thinks of people with mental health diagnoses as some form of other, then he is not necessarily going to be supportive, and he may even be punitive.
Lots of kids do get locked away, strapped down, etc, and often for far less urgent issues than the life-or-death immediacy of suicide. I've watched it happen to a ton of foster kids and juvenile justice system kids simply for going against the grain in one way or another.
Find safe places. I'm sure you've heard of the Trevor Project (http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ (http://www.thetrevorproject.org/)). Susan's is good. Find an lgbt center or some other place where you don't have to explain or apologize for who you are. Find things that make you proud, or comfortable, or that make you laugh. Find something, and be careful.
I'm gonna throw out there too that if you are on any kind of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds those can have a tendency to increase all of these things, up to and including suicidal thoughts (believe me, I was on them and almost checked out because of it). If you're not and you feel like this, be super careful about going on them because of those side effects (especially if you're under 18). Not trying to pull some scare tactics out or anything just speaking from personal experience. Some might help for a short term type of issue, enough to push you in the right direction and get up out of the depression but try and avoid long term usage.
And yeah, your dad (and I get the feeling the rest of your family) has some screwed up notions.
I know it's hard to see a brighter future when everything in the present is crap. I've been there too, but I stuck it out, little by little. It wasn't overnight that things changed and I had to want to make those changes too - to take the first small step. It sounds like you've tried a few things, but keep trying things. Try to hold on to even the smallest things that make you happy ... like nice weather, a happy dog, your favorite book or music or food. Seems small but they can lead to bigger things. Don't try to go right for the BIG THING that you think might make a change (like jumping into an exercising program when you've got zero motivation. Try just walking around your block one day ... go from there ... start small with everything). Write your feelings down if you can't talk about them. Come here and post more (like you have).
@Hermione Even picking up the phone to make an appointment is traumatizing for me though.
@Felix, I've told my best friend and the girl I really love. My best friend does not know I am possibly trans. But, she did say she'd go with me to a doctor if I needed help, however she's been rather flaky on me lately. The girl I love is completely supportive, but I only brought it up once because I feel like I don't want to be a burden to her. I feel like if I want any chance in her liking me back I always have to be positive around her, and I always try and make her laugh. I don't know if that sounds stupid, but yeah, I don't want to be a burden on her. And my family (dad and sister) but they don't seem to be giving me very much support. Especially not my dad. My sister seems to completely ditch whenever the topic comes up, because the fights I have with my dad can be very intense.
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 05, 2012, 12:21:14 AM
@Hermione Even picking up the phone to make an appointment is traumatizing for me though.
@Felix, I've told my best friend and the girl I really love. My best friend does not know I am possibly trans. But, she did say she'd go with me to a doctor if I needed help, however she's been rather flaky on me lately. The girl I love is completely supportive, but I only brought it up once because I feel like I don't want to be a burden to her. I feel like if I want any chance in her liking me back I always have to be positive around her, and I always try and make her laugh. I don't know if that sounds stupid, but yeah, I don't want to be a burden on her. And my family (dad and sister) but they don't seem to be giving me very much support. Especially not my dad. My sister seems to completely ditch whenever the topic comes up, because the fights I have with my dad can be very intense.
Keep posting here, then. Keep talking here. We've seen you around, you're cool, and there's no reason for you to feel so isolated.
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 05, 2012, 12:21:14 AM
@Hermione Even picking up the phone to make an appointment is traumatizing for me though.
@Felix, I've told my best friend and the girl I really love. My best friend does not know I am possibly trans. But, she did say she'd go with me to a doctor if I needed help, however she's been rather flaky on me lately. The girl I love is completely supportive, but I only brought it up once because I feel like I don't want to be a burden to her. I feel like if I want any chance in her liking me back I always have to be positive around her, and I always try and make her laugh. I don't know if that sounds stupid, but yeah, I don't want to be a burden on her. And my family (dad and sister) but they don't seem to be giving me very much support. Especially not my dad. My sister seems to completely ditch whenever the topic comes up, because the fights I have with my dad can be very intense.
Yeah, probably leave your dad out of the picture at this stage. I know it's hard with using the phone, it's a great tool but boy, the anxiety one can feel about using it. :) Maybe your friend can come with you to see a counsellor/doctor, just for the first visit. Don't feel you're a burden, sometimes friends can seem a bit flakey when they aren't sure what to do or say, if you are sure you need to talk to someone, she might come through for you. Give her a chance. :)
I agree with the above posters too, anti-depressants are not for everyone, and I am one of them, lol. Insideontheoutside has some good advice, sometimes it's the little things that make us feel a little better.
@insideontheoutside, no im not on any meds. i post as much as i can on here. dont get me wrong you guys have been extremely supportive and great about it, but i feel like posting on here is never going to get me out to a therapist, no matter how much i let my feelings out.
@Felix... didn't know I was seen as cool 8)
@Hermione, maybe I will tell her then... this is just kind of one of my deepest secrets though you know? And I don't think I'd feel comfortable even if someone came with me sadly. But then, I wouldn't feel any more comfortable going alone either. ??? Idk anymore, I just want to see SOMEone who can tell me what I need to do to help all these feelings
Hi Cody
There are sticky's to suicide discussion sites on Susan's that cover most of the countries members are in. Go to Transgender Talk and there is a sticky to them. These are professional support sites. You will not be locked up, you will not be abused, you will be helped. They know that you will find it difficult to talk, they are used to that.
Many of us on this site have thought and even tried to suicide. Myself included. It is not an option. But you are not alone.
There is help and you need to get some.
There are simple anti-depressants that can do wonders. They did for me.
Seek help.
Keep posting.
You are not alone, we are your family and we understand.
Cindy
As others have been saying, they won't be strapping you down or anything like that. I know a good number of people who have been to therapists for depression/suicidal thoughts. Only one has been put under suicide watch, and that was because she requested it.
I contacted a therapist when it became something I was seriously considering. She helped me a lot and referred me to a doctor who figured out that I was anemic and had low thyroid, both of which make the symptoms worse. I think that I wouldn't have been able to pull myself out without them.
Are you a student? If so there is probably a counseling center that you could visit for free. Please go talk to someone. You could even write things down to hand to them instead. At the least you'll be in the same place as now.
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 05, 2012, 01:10:35 AM
@Felix... didn't know I was seen as cool 8)
@Hermione, maybe I will tell her then... this is just kind of one of my deepest secrets though you know? And I don't think I'd feel comfortable even if someone came with me sadly. But then, I wouldn't feel any more comfortable going alone either. ??? Idk anymore, I just want to see SOMEone who can tell me what I need to do to help all these feelings
Hey so Cody, have you considered just asking your general practitioner/primary care provider/whatever you call your regular doctor about this? It's what I did when I was sad. I got really weirdly pointlessly sad once, out of all proportion to what was going on in my life. My gp was totally happy to talk to me about that, and he was respectful and practical about it. If you don't feel good, you should try to figure out how to change that, right?
Running this stuff by your regular doctor can be easier and chiller than taking the more dramatic-seeming steps of finding a psych professional and ending up in that channel. Plus it's pretty easy to back out if you don't feel comfortable with your doc's reaction.
Out of the list of suicide warning signs, the sense of hopelessness is the one we have to try to conquer first before we start taking a step to improve or change the others on the list. It's hope that keeps us going, hope for a better day, to get the girl, to look the best we can, score great marks, achieving whatever it is we have set as a goal etc. Please be hopeful for things to get better, then you can set out to fix the other things.
Is there someone older that you can trust, to talk to?
Quote from: Lee on January 05, 2012, 01:20:08 AM
As others have been saying, there won't be strapping you down or anything like that. I contacted a therapist when it became something I was seriously considering. She helped me a lot and referred me to a doctor who figured out that I was anemic and had low thyroid, both of which make the symptoms worse. I think that I wouldn't have been able to pull myself out without them. Are you a student? If so there is probably a counseling center that you could visit for free. Please go talk to someone. You could even write things down to hand to them instead. At the least you'll be in the same place as now.
I agree that writing things down can help if you're having trouble letting your guard down. The first time I saw a therapist I was desperate and motivated to find a way to be okay, but I was extremely uncomfortable with talking to the guy. We finally started making progress when I wrote stuff down and gave it to him, instead of just coming into his office and squirming and feeling suspicious and combative and uncomfortable.
I would like to share a few links and numbers directly in this thread as I, too, have attempted suicide and have had suicidal thoughts (still do). Hopefully these things will help for you as they have helped me. I have these phone numbers in my emergency contacts in my cell phone in case things get bad. They are 24-hour hotlines, completely anonymous and have people on hand to listen if you need.
If you're in the U.S...
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline -- 1-800-273-8255
The Trevor Lifeline (LGBTQ) -- 1-866-488-7386
There is also the Suicide Prevention Wiki page that has links to international lifelines at http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/ (http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/).
One more is a group I'm involved with called "To Write Love On Her Arms", they've helped me just reading the stories, following their Facebook page, and knowing that someone's out there. They also have links to various resources for many troubles in life, not just suicidal thoughts/feelings. Their website is http://www.twloha.com/index.php (http://www.twloha.com/index.php).
As someone who has been there before, just over the past few months, I want to echo what people have said here. It will get better, take it one small step at a time. The first step can be so hard to do, but once you find the rights things to focus on, it can start a chain reaction. There are always ups and downs, we have to get good at coming back up. Wishing you the best and thinking about you Cody. You can do it.
Also, seriously Cody, you are cool. It's not fair that your life doesn't paint that picture accurately for you. We all can get wrapped up in circumstances. Just be a fortress, a rock star, a panther, any kind of badass you'd like to be.
Cody, if it makes you feel any better, I've got almost all of those signs on a near-daily basis, and I'm still kickin'.
Hey Cody,
I have at least half if not more of those warning signs too but there will eventually be a light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps for a goal you could focus on yourself and getting in touch with your inner self using meditation and zen music to realize your self worth or maybe draw or write out your feelings or focus on a talent you have.
I can tell you right now, no one is going to strap you to a chair and call you crazy if you tell someone you want to kill yourself. I've been in and out of mental hospitals and programs since I was 14 and I've been on a slew of different drugs. Being mentally ill isn't something I'm ashamed of and I've had to confront the stigma surrounding it almost daily. Every time I get down on myself about not being in college yet, not having my license, or not doing other things that my peers have I always force myself to look at the positive things in my life and remind myself that even six months ago I would never have thought that I would be getting up everyday, going to a full time job, and saving for my own place. As soon as you come to terms with the fact that this is how you feel and might need a little help, then it's just a matter of asking for it.
Just stay strong, keep battling through, and get help however scary.
I'd post more but this is all I can stand atm, just please, stay strong, we're all here for you and you're not alone.
I don't know what to say to all of you, except thanks for the support. It's so nice to get a view on things from people going through the same thing I am. I wish my dad wouldn't be such a transphobiac. Sometimes I can't tell if he's truly worried about me anymore.
You will very likely not be strapped down or locked in a room. It takes a lot for them to do that to you.
A few years ago, I was suicidal. Like actively going to do something. I was lucky to live in a big city where there was a mental health hospital, and I went there and told them I was suicidal, and they let me sleep there overnight. They didn't strap me down. I was locked in their intake ward, but it wasn't like being locked in a room, not at all. At the time, I felt so horrible that I was just glad I didn't have to go face my apartment and my dark thoughts. In the morning, I talked to a psychiatrist, and they decided to admit me. I spent a little bit of time on their mental health ward, and ended up diagnosed with bipolar disorder. (I don't doubt this diagnosis, there have been several clear manic periods and plenty of depressions.) They started me on medication, and while I was in the hospital I went to groups and met people and got therapy.
It's been several years since diagnosis, and I even ended up back in the hospital again once. But the medication helped me get a toehold, and therapy and lifestyle changes have helped me even more.
So I ended up in the hospital, and even then I was never strapped down or locked in a room.
If you go to a doctor, they will try everything they can to help you. Being sent to the hospital is a last resort.
And I know how you feel about parents - my parents are chronic underworriers. No matter how bad things are for me, they don't seem to react. But I know they care. They just don't know how to show it.
Dispite numerous attempts and councilling sessions the only time I've been kept in anywhere was over Halloween after my mate called the police because I was the worst I'd ever been and was trying to hang myself. They only kept me in - and like Jeh, I'm pretty glad they did, I couldn't trust myself to be left alone - because by the time I made it to the hospital it was 11pm and they have no mental health workers at that time of night. I was just put in the regular paediatrics ward (I'm 15) and they just made me keep the curtains of the cubicle open so they could keep an eye on me. All I got from the nurses were tactful, "you ok?"'s and apart from one doctor, who even the other doctors were giving strange looks to, everything was handled great.
No one wants to see young people in pain, especially those who are scared and have those types of dark thoughts in their heads.
The best advice I can give is to go and get help before things start to become overwhelming, and don't hold back any information, I lied to my councillor when I was referred to him a few years ago and just wanted to stop seeing him, and it's really messed up the way they're dealing with me now as he's basing his judgements on wrong history of me. Tell the truth, let them help you, keep in touch with people here and it'll work out ok.
As for your parents, they don't need to know about the transgender thing right now, just say that you're having a rough time in your head and that you want to talk to your doctor. If that's too scary then make up an injury or something, what you say when you get there's confidential and from what you're saying it's probably what you need to do, and it'll help.
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 04, 2012, 11:06:01 PM
I was reading a medical magazine, and I ended up checking off more than half the sings on the Suicide Warning Signs List. That... I have to say, that concerns me. I thought I'd post them here.
SUICIDE WARNING SIGNS
-neglect of personal appearance
-sudden changes in manner of dress
-sudden change in appetite
-sense of hopelessness, helplessness
-wide mood changes and sudden outbursts (only at home)
-anxiousness, extreme tension, or agitation
-lethargy and tiredness
-changes in personality (only at home)
-loss of the ability to concentrate
-depression, sadness
-loss of rational thought
-feelings of guilt and failure
-self-destructive thoughts
-exaggerated fears of disease or physical impairment
-feelings of worthlessness or of being a burden
-threatening suicide
-describing methods of suicide
-decreased school activity; isolation. Sudden drop in achievement and interests in school subjects.
-loss of interest in hobbies (not all), sports, work, etc.
-withdrawal from family, sometimes acting in a manner which forces others away
-changes in eating and sleeping habits
-changes in friendship
-running away from home, "skipping school"
-preoccupation with thoughts of death
I have all of these. My reason for not seeing anyone about this is I am terrified of being strapped down to a chair or locked in a room like my dad told me what they do to "those people" I am actually crying right now from realizing that I have 95% of the signs on that list (the ones I do, I posted). I don't know what to do because to be honest like I said I'm terrified. I tried to distract myself with goals, like working out (have zero motivation for), moving (I feel like I have to move to a completely different country to be at peace with myself and away from my family), and I suppose, finding a partner (girlfriend) is one of the goals. I just get super depressed when I think about the girl I really love (to the point where I'd risk my life for her), but she already has a girlfriend and I am respecting that but I feel like I'll never find someone like her... Okay Cody, enough, now you're just going on a rant. But yeah. Suicide thoughts. I'm scared. :(
I will be honest with you,
being transgender means theres a very high rant of suicide. Its not that hard to understand when you think about all the presure there is.
being trans is very hard whenever your in the closet or outside.
I had tried suicide before, didnt work out, (so thats why im still alive)
right now I am a pretty happy human being but I had this period where your fight and fight, for who you are,
its very hard, very hopeless and takes alot of strenght. I do belive not everyone can make it, but what dosent kill you makes you stronger,
and the ones who go thought all this and find happyness, learns alot about life.
---
a advise is dont give up, dont rush yourself too hard, and dont do it alone.
have someone to suport you, even a single friend to listen to you means ALOT in general. to have the right contacts the right people to help you our and understands you really is what makes the big diffrent.
I know it sounds very simple, way more than it is, only thing I can say is most trans people have been thought this at least 1 time in there life,
I belive so.
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 05, 2012, 12:21:14 AM
@Hermione Even picking up the phone to make an appointment is traumatizing for me though.
I have bad anxiety about the phone as well. It's a lot better than it used be, but in the past I've called a number, got freaked out when someone answered, then hung up. When I started looking for a therapist, I found some that had websites with their e-mail addresses and e-mailed them asking if they had experience with trans clients. It was much easier to make the first step that way. But I would like to say that the therapist I ended up seeing I actually called on the phone and left a message. So it is possible to get over an intense fear of the phone even though it's hard. Keep in mind that therapists are people who generally enjoy working with other people. And they earn money from clients, so if you're a potential client they aren't going to bite your face off over the phone.
If you're feeling like this, you really should go to a professional. Hope you are feeling better soon.
Hmm. To everyone who is telling me to talk to someone. I noticed that it's really hard for me to open up about my deepest feelings. I love making this girl laugh. I feel like I don't want to spoil it. But then... she's the only one I truly trust.
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 06, 2012, 01:43:05 AM
Hmm. To everyone who is telling me to talk to someone. I noticed that it's really hard for me to open up about my deepest feelings. I love making this girl laugh. I feel like I don't want to spoil it. But then... she's the only one I truly trust.
Be careful getting hung up on one person. If you feel that strongly, maybe try using her as your muse, and writing. Try not to let your feelings damage her or yourself.
@Felix... I really like that idea actually. D'you think if I sang one of my songs to her it would help the situation? And by situation I mean everything. My trans feelings, my feelings towards her, less tension between us.
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 06, 2012, 01:52:14 AM
@Felix... I really like that idea actually. D'you think if I sang one of my songs to her it would help the situation? And by situation I mean everything. My trans feelings, my feelings towards her, less tension between us.
I don't know her, and I couldn't say. I would err on the side of caution, but she obviously inspires you.
@Felix, thanks, I'll think about it and give it more time. It's not like I can whip up a song over night anyways :P
I confess I have been through a pretty rough time myself also....chosing some friends to coinfide in can help you sort out your feelings as often just saying things out loud helps. Maybe investing in some counselling sessions would help too if that was in your budget.
@Lee11, sorry to hear that man. Maybe things will get better for both of us. I actually tried talking about it to one of my friends but it got too awkward so I stopped. Sometimes I pull out a journal and write how I feel. Counselling, before I even suspected I was trans, has always been something big and scary for me.
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 07, 2012, 01:35:55 PM
@Lee11, sorry to hear that man. Maybe things will get better for both of us. I actually tried talking about it to one of my friends but it got too awkward so I stopped. Sometimes I pull out a journal and write how I feel. Counselling, before I even suspected I was trans, has always been something big and scary for me.
Being perfectly honest, councilling terrified me, and still does. But I know that if I'd manned up enough to go sooner, and stick with it rather than lying my way out, I'd not have gotten into some of the situations I have, and I'd probably not have closed off a whole avenue of job opportunities within the armed forces, and it wouldn't be going to badly right now as they're trying to treat me while almost all of the history they know are lies.
Getting down how you feel is a good idea, it takes a lot to share it with people, even those which you totally trust, but just getting it out of your head and thinking things through in order to write them is good. If you ever want to share things with someone you don't know, I'm here for you man, just putting that out there.
@Adam, thanks buddy. Thing is the person I was talking to about this, she was supportive and all, but she was sort of trying to convince me NOT to transition. She was all like "yeah, hormones take forever to get you to look male, society accepts short girls a lot more than they do short guys (because I was having a I-hate-being-short day)". So it did kind of get me down. I DO want to go to counselling, but I couldn't even tell my family doctor. Maybe, if I got her email, I could talk to her through that? I hate the rock-in-my-throat feeling. Another awkward moment, was my singing teacher and I when we were talking in a lesson (she's my best friend at the moment), and I was jokingly saying "there's no way I could hit those low notes unless I like... got the sex change surgery" and she was like "yeah, I doubt you're going to grow a p***s haha". Which made it 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000X more awkward for me, and I had no comment on it. She's been very supportive of me being a lesbian (right now, because I present as female), but that comment she made sorta threw me off. I do hate my chest, and the only way I get through that is if I lie to myself and say "no, you're a girl." It works for a bit, but when I have to take a shower it all just comes up again.
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 07, 2012, 07:59:34 PM
@Adam, thanks buddy. Thing is the person I was talking to about this, she was supportive and all, but she was sort of trying to convince me NOT to transition. She was all like "yeah, hormones take forever to get you to look male, society accepts short girls a lot more than they do short guys (because I was having a I-hate-being-short day)". So it did kind of get me down. I DO want to go to counselling, but I couldn't even tell my family doctor. Maybe, if I got her email, I could talk to her through that? I hate the rock-in-my-throat feeling. Another awkward moment, was my singing teacher and I when we were talking in a lesson (she's my best friend at the moment), and I was jokingly saying "there's no way I could hit those low notes unless I like... got the sex change surgery" and she was like "yeah, I doubt you're going to grow a p***s haha". Which made it 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000X more awkward for me, and I had no comment on it. She's been very supportive of me being a lesbian (right now, because I present as female), but that comment she made sorta threw me off. I do hate my chest, and the only way I get through that is if I lie to myself and say "no, you're a girl." It works for a bit, but when I have to take a shower it all just comes up again.
The first person I told (other than a boyfriend, who told me and I just agreed) was a former professor of mine. She was also a bit of a friend, as we each had one daughter and they were the same age, and our political views and tastes in literature were similar. She was a vocal feminist, so I thought she'd be a good person to go to with my fears and decision to come out of the closet.
She seemed really supportive at first, but she also told me I should change society and not myself. That the problem was in society's inability to accept women doing masculine things. I didn't know how to explain to her that it wasn't that, and so I didn't try to explain it to her. But not much later, when I told her I was planning to go on testosterone and have top surgery, she abruptly stopped speaking to me. She mattered a lot to me, and so I've tried calling and emailing a few times since, but it's pretty clear she wants nothing to do with me. Sometimes even very supportive and cool people aren't actually very supportive.
Try to be tough and keep yourself no matter what other people think.
I don't think I can stand the thought of losing her... I just couldn't. I've already sort of lost a best friend and I don't think I can do that again.
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 07, 2012, 08:28:46 PM
I don't think I can stand the thought of losing her... I just couldn't. I've already sort of lost a best friend and I don't think I can do that again.
I don't know what to say, and I don't think it's my place to reassure you here. I lost a lot of people before transition, for unrelated reasons, and losing a few more seemed a small price to pay to finally be who I am. In other words, I was already pretty broken and damaged, so I didn't have much to lose. You probably have more to lose, idk.
I still say try to hold on to yourself, whatever you decide.
I will hate the possibility of losing my family the most. Though we hardly talk already. My dad says he doesn't have time for me, but then he's always taking time off for trips to New York, Rome, and such with his girlfriend and he's pretty much over there every day of the week. My sister's always been the one in the spotlight and I often feel like my dad forgot he has a second daughter (or son, I suppose). I want a bond with him, and I truly hope he'll be closer to be after I transition (after all, he'll have that son he always wanted) but I fear it will be the opposite. My sister already only half lives with us anyways, when she's at home she ignores me 95% of the time. Same goes for most of my friends, they don't really talk to me much either. In a way, I don't have a lot to lose, but in a way, I do, because my best friend is all I have (she also unfortunately happens to be the same girl who's my singing teacher, and the same girl who's my best friend). why do i feel like this is turning into a rant
If I were you I would do whatever it takes to take your mind off this girl. She isn't an angel, and there's no way she can hold you in the same regard as you hold her in. Please be careful. Understand that you are as good as she is, and in some respects better. Broaden your interests, find things that matter to you and that feel right. Infatuation will hurt you.
Your father and sister sound eerily like my father and sister, except that my sister doesn't ignore me. We just don't know each other or see each other any more. It took a long time for my dad to admit he had 5 kids instead of 4.
Don't write her off as a friend just yet. She might still be supportive, but has no idea what to say. I actually did a similar stupid thing when my best friend came out as gay one drunken night our freshman year of college. This was back in '93, when being gay was still something people didn't talk about (at least in my hick town they didn't). So my clueless drunk ass tried to reassure him by saying maybe he wasn't really gay, he'd never been with a woman so how did he know, all that stereotypical stuff that you'd hate to hear after coming out...oops. After we talked again, I realized that was dumb and everything was fine between us from then on.
@Felix infatuation is hurting me, I seriously cannot get her out of my head. When I'm awake it's hard enough, the minute I go to sleep, I dream about her. I dream about us. It goes farther than kissing and the worst part is when I wake up and realize it wasn't real. The first time that happened I cried my eyes out for half a day XD but seriously... I hated myself for it.
@driven, she seems supportive so I'm not sure. She's always supporting my dreams and is there for me when I'm down. I also have nightmares of being outed. Ugh... I hate those. Glad to hear things worked out between you and your friend.
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 07, 2012, 11:13:07 PM
@Felix infatuation is hurting me, I seriously cannot get her out of my head. When I'm awake it's hard enough, the minute I go to sleep, I dream about her. I dream about us. It goes farther than kissing and the worst part is when I wake up and realize it wasn't real. The first time that happened I cried my eyes out for half a day XD but seriously... I hated myself for it.
@driven, she seems supportive so I'm not sure. She's always supporting my dreams and is there for me when I'm down. I also have nightmares of being outed. Ugh... I hate those. Glad to hear things worked out between you and your friend.
Maybe what you want is what she represents? I have a crush on a teacher at my daughter's middle school. He's average looking but has quirks I adore, and he's been kind to me when others weren't. He gets my pronouns right. He looks like he'd be good to touch, and I do daydream about what I could do with him, and how it would feel if he thought I was important. He asks me how I'm doing and actually listens to the answer. He knows I'm poor and he's met my kid, but he still treats me like I'm a normal human, an equal.
Anyway, I know that the strong feelings I have toward that guy are to some degree only symbolic. I would love to be loved, and especially by a person who's intelligent, educated, dedicated, hardworking, gentle, reasonably sexy, interesting, etc. However I'm pretty sure that if you could come up with a different human with these same qualities I'd probably like them just as much. So I just enjoy the crush and the giddiness it brings. If I were actually with him, I'm sure he wouldn't feel so magical after a month or two. People are just people.
Idk if that helps. Please try to find ways to keep this woman from hurting you. Have you had many other loves?
@Felix, have I had any other loves? Heck no!! This is my first real one lol. Other than a crush I had in middle school/high school (but that was a small childhood crush, nothing like the way I feel for this girl). Anyways, this girl, if you met her, you'd think she's extremely supportive (she's not the same girl I was talking to about my trans feelings, that was a different girl). Now... my dad keeps telling me she's using me as a "cash cow" and I HATE to think that. They are quite low on money, she even said they can't afford Christmas (I still love her regardless) she does charge a good amount for her lessons. My dad used to pay for them but now I do so it doesn't really bother me. She's sweet, beautiful, has the most amazing voice, I could listen to her singing all day. I feel like waiting a week for each lesson feels like a year. I can't help but wish to be more in her life.
A week ago we had a frustrating lesson. She knew I didn't like myself, and she told me that I had to in order to truly open up to singing. Then she told me that "I'm an awesome person", and that "she likes me" so I don't know if she meant as a friend or more than that, but I know she already has a girlfriend. Anyways, I felt my heart pounding when she said that because I wanted it to mean "more than a friend". Do you think it meant that? I don't think she's hurting me. I fail to see how she's hurting me (don't take offense to that, I honestly don't see how she is). From what I'm getting from this, she likes me, but also likes her girlfriend too, and obviously she can't be with me right now because she's with her. That's what one of my friends told me what they think is happening anyways. But I don't want to get my hopes up...
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 08, 2012, 02:35:53 AM
@Felix, have I had any other loves? Heck no!! This is my first real one lol. Other than a crush I had in middle school/high school (but that was a small childhood crush, nothing like the way I feel for this girl). Anyways, this girl, if you met her, you'd think she's extremely supportive (she's not the same girl I was talking to about my trans feelings, that was a different girl). Now... my dad keeps telling me she's using me as a "cash cow" and I HATE to think that. They are quite low on money, she even said they can't afford Christmas (I still love her regardless) she does charge a good amount for her lessons. My dad used to pay for them but now I do so it doesn't really bother me. She's sweet, beautiful, has the most amazing voice, I could listen to her singing all day. I feel like waiting a week for each lesson feels like a year. I can't help but wish to be more in her life.
A week ago we had a frustrating lesson. She knew I didn't like myself, and she told me that I had to in order to truly open up to singing. Then she told me that "I'm an awesome person", and that "she likes me" so I don't know if she meant as a friend or more than that, but I know she already has a girlfriend. Anyways, I felt my heart pounding when she said that because I wanted it to mean "more than a friend". Do you think it meant that? I don't think she's hurting me. I fail to see how she's hurting me (don't take offense to that, I honestly don't see how she is). From what I'm getting from this, she likes me, but also likes her girlfriend too, and obviously she can't be with me right now because she's with her. That's what one of my friends told me what they think is happening anyways. But I don't want to get my hopes up...
Okay, so you don't have personal experience to compare this to. That doesn't diminish this, but it does make it harder to put it in context.
What I meant by her hurting you...I'm not good with words. If you care about someone so much, you can get hurt no matter what they do. I think that's what I meant. You can't assume too much about this girl.
Oh gosh I forgot. Are you intending to relate to her as female?
At the moment yes I am, until I get anywhere near transitioning, as I'm not even dressing as male at all right now. Ah and yes I do see what you meant.
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 08, 2012, 01:38:14 PM
At the moment yes I am, until I get anywhere near transitioning, as I'm not even dressing as male at all right now. Ah and yes I do see what you meant.
Okay. I'm not criticizing that, I just didn't have it in mind. I would assume that even if transition is far off (or not in the plans) for you, your internal gender identity might complicate things for you.
er. you mean me being male? :-\
now i am starting to wonder if transition is worth it. :(
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 09, 2012, 12:21:19 AM
er. you mean me being male? :-\
now i am starting to wonder if transition is worth it. :(
I mean if you approach her as another female while inside feeling male you could create some possibly damaging levels of cognitive dissonance.
;D i took psychology... i should know what those words mean, but alas, i cannot remember ;D
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 09, 2012, 12:48:16 AM
;D i took psychology... i should know what those words mean, but alas, i cannot remember ;D
Well, like, your head might get all cluster->-bleeped-<-y if you try to be a girl for this girl, if you don't feel like a girl inside. It might be hard to go forward, and it might create some subtle resentments and emotional undercurrents that would interfere with how you relate to her.
Ah. I see. Hmm not much comment on it. :S
Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 09, 2012, 01:33:54 AM
Ah. I see. Hmm not much comment on it. :S
I hope it goes well. She seems important to you.
Thanks Felix. She is extremely important and possibly the only real person I'll have in my life to help me through this.