I wanted to start a topic about transitioning and doubts.
Since I started HRT, I've had 3 "purge" moments. My last one was recently, and since then I've noticed a pattern.
Each of my purge moments have happened after I reached a "stepping stone" of transitioning.
First: Breast growth
Second: Increasing attraction to guys
Third: Difficulty of getting hard in sexual situations
I don't want to be trans. I want to be normal. I've grown up, and now that I'm 20 yrs old, I have a lot of masculine things implanted into my head. I want to be a normal guy, lift weights, get muscular, get laid, get an attractive girlfriend.
We all have doubts, the "is this the best decision for me". I keep trying to tell myself "no, you're normal". It doesn't work. So I keep transitioning. I see my masculinity fading away step by step, something I used to strive for.
I know a lot of you have had doubts/ still do, sooooooooo I was thinking that we can share them, and that maybe someday someone will come across this topic and will find it helpful/ relevant to what they're going through.
I know a lot of us say "i've known my entire life, transitioning is the best thing ever, blah blah blah". But poking around, it becomes clear that the path isn't so easy.
Easy. I doubt I shall ever see the surgeon's knife for SRS. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-1.gif&hash=4a7edb8e10f639196821bd403e6dc36860459f64) I may see it for BA, but SRS I just seem to doubt.
Never give up hope, Janet. Never. Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: MagicKitty on November 14, 2012, 06:18:15 PM
I wanted to start a topic about transitioning and doubts.
Since I started HRT, I've had 3 "purge" moments. My last one was recently, and since then I've noticed a pattern.
Each of my purge moments have happened after I reached a "stepping stone" of transitioning.
First: Breast growth
Second: Increasing attraction to guys
Third: Difficulty of getting hard in sexual situations
I don't want to be trans. I want to be normal. I've grown up, and now that I'm 20 yrs old, I have a lot of masculine things implanted into my head. I want to be a normal guy, lift weights, get muscular, get laid, get an attractive girlfriend.
We all have doubts, the "is this the best decision for me". I keep trying to tell myself "no, you're normal". It doesn't work. So I keep transitioning. I see my masculinity fading away step by step, something I used to strive for.
I know a lot of you have had doubts/ still do, sooooooooo I was thinking that we can share them, and that maybe someday someone will come across this topic and will find it helpful/ relevant to what they're going through.
I know a lot of us say "i've known my entire life, transitioning is the best thing ever, blah blah blah". But poking around, it becomes clear that the path isn't so easy.
Just as a comparison to your reasons...
1. Breast Growth
I myself have no problem with growing boobs, I just mostly worry about having to get a bra when I'm not full time. Because when I can get hrt (if I do) I'm not going to transition because I know I won't be able to pass (arm hair etc.).
2. Increasing Attraction to guys
Not a problem for me, other than them not knowing I'm trans. I am bisexual; or sex blind to put it more accurately. Or I could be called asexual (romantic) and bisexual. Unfortunately my body disagrees with my mind; as my body tells me I am horny when I am not (stupid testosterone).
3. Difficulty achieving and maintaining erections.
I am a strong believer in kind over body...but I can't say for certain if it isn't the lack of T that causes this. I have heard of people who are trans who have had extremely low T levels and could still get an erection. It could in reality be a psychosomatic condition perpetuated by people who are trans and hate their male genitals (aka, they themselves can't get an erection because they don't want to).
For me though, I would rather have working genitals than non-working ones (hence why I am non-op). So if/when I do get hrt, I am going to make sure my doctor monitors my T levels so that they don't drop down to nothing. Or if all else fails, I can just take a lower dose.
Now for my actual doubts...
1. I'm making this all up because I want to feel special.
I thought I was gay, but I wasn't. And I thought I had aspergers, but I didn't. So I feel like the boy who cried wolf.
2. I haven't always known I am transgender. (I knew I wasn't at all like most boys though)
3. I have never cross-dressed.
4. When I transition I don't want to wear extremely girly clothing (skirts etc.). Mostly because I get that..."man in a dress feeling."
5. I don't have crippling dysphoria...okay maybe not now; but I did before I started shaving my body. And I don't have terrible dysphoria about most of my body.
6. I think sometimes that I "want" to be trans because it helps my self-esteem.
7. Other times I just think that transgender doesn't really exist and that I am just making it all up (by extension, that other people are just making something out of nothing)
8. Transgender is some sort of delusion caused by nurture and I am no different than someone with OCD or Anorexia. (A relatively new doubt)
9. In general I'm just not "trans enough".
10. I've lived like a guy for most of my life and can pull it off so well that I think sometimes I should just live the rest of my life as a guy. (Even though I have virtually no friends, and am constantly dissatisfied with life)
11. I get along well enough with guys...so why do I want to be one of the girls just to have friends. (I get along much better with girls)
(By the way someone should make a thread opposite to this one and link both of these threads together. Just so that we can get both the reasons for being trans and the doubts. New thread should be called "Why we are transgender", or something like that.)
I would do it but I'm on my iPod.
Thanks for starting this thread. It's an issue for me right now.
My biggest doubt is that I'm not a woman. I wish I had been born one and want to become one. But I still catch myself using male pronouns for myself, my female name sounds strange to me, and I have lots of very male thoughts.
Doubts about my history: I had a very cis childhood, and never dreamed I was Trans until a few months ago (though I've wanted to have a female body and live as a female since my teen years). I don't have intense body dysphoria, never crossdressed, never thought of myself as a female.
I would lo-o-ove to have SRS but it's so prone to complications, involves pain and a whole lot of $$ and I'm not attracted to men, so I think it's a bad deal for me (but maybe not for lots of other women).
And I think transition will suck in the beginning. I feel like I'm fighting a neverending battle against my own body hair. There are treatments that will help, but they're long, painful, and expensive, so I have that to look forward to.
And I don't know diddleysquat about how to live as a woman. Everything I do in that direction calls my attention painfully to the fact that I'm wa-a-ay out of my element and in way over my head.
All that being said, I can't imagine living even one more year as a man.
i fear being alone and developing post op srs complications with this first year. oh and getting rejected from grad school
I doubt I will ever see a woman in the mirror.
Quote from: MagicKitty on November 14, 2012, 06:18:15 PM
Since I started HRT, I've had 3 "purge" moments. My last one was recently, and since then I've noticed a pattern.
Each of my purge moments have happened after I reached a "stepping stone" of transitioning.
First: Breast growth
Second: Increasing attraction to guys
Third: Difficulty of getting hard in sexual situations
I don't want to be trans. I want to be normal. I've grown up, and now that I'm 20 yrs old, I have a lot of masculine things implanted into my head. I want to be a normal guy, lift weights, get muscular, get laid, get an attractive girlfriend.
We all have doubts, the "is this the best decision for me". I keep trying to tell myself "no, you're normal". It doesn't work. So I keep transitioning. I see my masculinity fading away step by step, something I used to strive for.
Almost a mirror image of my thought. Except the part with "
I've grown up, and now that I'm 20 yrs old, I have a lot of masculine things implanted into my head" I got a good giggle out of that being 56 and still trying to feel grown up!
In my 20's when I experimented with transition, both times I stopped in part to reaching a "WTF are you doing?" milestone of breast growth or minor ED. I WANTED TO BE NORMAL! So I ran from transition and back to the devil I knew.
When the whole denial thing got to me 3 years ago I started making changes. Since then I had a few more "WTF are you doing?" episodes, always at major milestones yet different ones from teh past. THe breast growth helped immensly to finally feel somewhat happy being inside my skin. Erections never meant much to me. Only a tool to please my partner with, not for me. No problem living without them.
The first real major S-storm came last year at Christmas time right after it dawned on me that for the past couple of months of part-time living I've been successfully running around rural WV being seen as and accepted as a woman. WTF!!!! There went a good 30 year belief system I assured myself with since my aborted transition experiments of my 20's. There was absolutely no way being seen as, much less accepted as a woman would ever happen in my life.
The next episode came just a few months ago after a family emergency. After the dust had settled my wife turned and said to me that she would be OK with me starting HRT. That I had grown into such a strong person over the past 3 years. Her words backed up with deeds by handing me a box of estrogen patches. Let the freak out begin!
When I first seriously started wrestling this demon 3 years ago transition was the furthest thing from mind. While it is often in my thoughts, it still isn't something I want to do. My mind is often preoccupied with "Is it something I NEED to do?"
Ok, I have had a few doubts:
1. I have never had intense bodily dysphoria. I don't even hate my penis, nor the concept of using it. After all, it's just a glob of flesh.
2. I was only severely depressed for 5 days. It should've been longer, but I have lost the ability to feel much in the last few years.
3. I like a lot of "guyish" things, like swords and video games.
4. I can tolerate living as a guy, so I don't always think transition may be the best idea, even though it is the only way for me to find genuine happiness and not just a "good enough" life.
One doubt sums up many, I think:
OMG WTF AM I DOING?!?!!?
But, all I have to do is think about detransitioning..."Hmm...go out and get male clothes (no money for that, prefer to buy more earrings and eyeshadow)...change my name back (100's of things involved with that--court time, work would need to know, bills changed, etc)...stop HRT, get back on that damnable testost---OMG NO WAY!! HORMONES HORMONES HORMONES!!!"
Such are my thoughts regarding doubts.
:-X
Doubts?
F**k doubts.
I'm me.
Doubts hide behind rocks when I approach.
Seriously.
I never dreamed I could come this far.
I never ever thought it possible to be me.
I never ever ever thought I would be accepted.
Next week I've been asked to address the Haematology Society.
Little old Cindy will be standing there in a new dress and telling it how it is. And? They all knew me before I went FT.
Doubts?
I feed doubts to Chuck Norris.
Thousands. Always. But the big one is:
"What the fluff am I doing? Am I going to like being a woman for the rest of my life or after 10 or 15 will I detransition?"
Happens a lot on the morning, during that peak Testosterone moment.
I had doubts. Those doubts tapered away gradually over 15 years after transition. The source of the issue is that I'm a BIG skeptic about anything and everything. I didn't have absolute empirical evidence. Was I suffering from long term psychosis? I had to take a leap of faith. I also had to mourn the loss of normalcy and having kids. I actually grieved for the loss of my potential children. It was weighing up the pros and cons. Now, I'm so glad I made the decision when I did in my early 20s, before life became more complicated and entrenched. Today, when I look at men I think "Thank fng god I'm not a man."
I tried to get over most of my doubts before I started transition. Most of them were about my safety and acceptance in the world.
I find what helps a lot is imagining a positive future.
Funny enough, your purge moments seem to be moments of excitement for me ;)
Boobs, boys and no boners?! Yes please! ;D
Here's my daily doubt intake:
From a religious perspective, does God approve of me expressing my feminine self? Do I even have one, or is this a spiritual battle? If I feel so *right* when I let myself feel girly, why do I also feel guilty and dirty? How far am I allowed to go in expressing myself? If I let myself feel girly, how far will it lead me? How is my wife handling my expressions? Is she hiding her true feelings? How can I help her?
Quote from: Cindy James on November 16, 2012, 01:51:02 AM
Doubts?
F**k doubts.
I'm me.
Doubts hide behind rocks when I approach.
Seriously.
I never dreamed I could come this far.
I never ever thought it possible to be me.
I never ever ever thought I would be accepted.
Next week I've been asked to address the Haematology Society.
Little old Cindy will be standing there in a new dress and telling it how it is. And? They all knew me before I went FT.
Doubts?
I feed doubts to Chuck Norris.
I'm gonna have to mirror this :) my only doubts have to do with other people, and not myself. How will my family feel? I hope my fiancé ( female ) is truly 100% ok with this.
As per other people accepting me......meh. If someone doesn't accept me for who I am, or is rude or cruel or whatever, then they were most Likly people I wouldn't want to know in the first place regardless of my situation.
I knew getting into this, things wouldn't be easy, but at the end of the day if you can spend a few minutes imagining yourself with a normal life as your chosen gender going through your daily routine.....and your happy? Then go forward with it doubts be damned!
Myself I've never turned away from challenge or let fear control me. Everyone has the power inside to take charge of their lives :)
Confidence and happiness, go get yours :) shrug off your fear, be bold and kick stress to the curb :)
Chloe
I have always had a lot of trouble with self doubt, always assuming that my feelings needed to validated in some way by others. Basically, thinking about transitioning has been one of the only times in my life where I've given up that mentality. I've come to terms with the fact that my feelings exist, they don't need some great magical stamp of approval to be deemed 'real'. That being said I've barely even started, I feel like more doubts will inevitably come, but I actually feel surprisingly equipped to deal with them. Its actually kind of an awesome feeling.
The other day i bought myself a pretty striped dress, junior large! First time I have purchased a junior dress. I always consider them to risky for an old lady like me.
So, I came home, and change into it, then I parade in front of the mirror, and saw this very sexy attractive woman, WOW I thought "I am Hot."
Then doubts assaulted me, what if only I can see myself like that, what if other people are going to see a tubby old lady in a 2-sizes-to-small dress.
So, yeah, damn doubts
Peky, girl, I'm sure you look fierce! Just strut your stuff and let your confidence shine. :)
Quote from: DianaP on November 17, 2012, 10:01:11 PM
Peky, girl, I'm sure you look fierce! Just strut your stuff and let your confidence shine. :)
Gracias chica!!!
I'm worried that even if hormones do a wonderful job, and if I manage to lose the weight I'm trying to, and I get FFS, that my basic build is still too big to ever pass reliably.
I'm also worried how the above will affect my work future.
Quote from: peky on November 17, 2012, 09:42:44 PM
The other day i bought myself a pretty striped dress, junior large! First time I have purchased a junior dress. I always consider them to risky for an old lady like me.
So, I came home, and change into it, then I parade in front of the mirror, and saw this very sexy attractive woman, WOW I thought "I am Hot."
Then doubts assaulted me, what if only I can see myself like that, what if other people are going to see a tubby old lady in a 2-sizes-to-small dress.
So, yeah, damn doubts
Don't call yourself old. Being old is relative to how you feel, not your physical age.
Quote from: Brooke777 on November 18, 2012, 09:45:53 AM
Don't call yourself old. Being old is relative to how you feel, not your physical age.
yeah, I know, that is what doubts do to you, make you feel old and insecure.
Funny thing for all of us is that here we are just as insecure as any of the so called cis women.
Thanks for the support Brooke!!!
I had doubts, I'll admit. I did. When I was a kid my mom told me I was hypochondriac because I loved to steal all the band-aids and sick them everywhere on me. (Little did she know that would later translate into wanting to stick tattoos everywhere haha!) So I thought, maybe I just want to be different? Or maybe I like attention? But then I remembered my social anxiety and what 'attention' normally does to me. Read: Panic attacks. So that wasn't it. So what was it? The thought that I couldn't put my finger on why I had doubts gave me even more doubts. I mean, me, the one who meditates on every stray emotion until it either goes away or I find the source and force it to go away. *I* couldn't find the source of my doubt. But then...
Then I got my first shot of T. And the feeling I got a few hours after? Like all was suddenly right with the world. I kicked back, relaxed, and just enjoyed the 8 hour drive home. Nothing flustered me (except Dallas traffic, ohdeargodmurder). I was finally *calm*. And I don't think I'll doubt again :)
My biggest doubt (fear) is not being able to pass successfully in public and be seen as nothing more then a *Guy in a dress*
Biggest doubt/fear? I will never be the woman I know is inside me and I will suffer humiliation for it everyday for the rest of my life. I have just come out to self and wife this year and I am working with a gender therapist. I am just beginning.
But the fact that I acknowledge that fear, and still pursue this course convinces me that I am on the right path - only 50 years late. I know that in my heart and soul. I KNOW that.
Note to Cindy - Give THAT to Chuck Norris. You kill me girl...lol
Quote from: Holly P on November 23, 2012, 05:29:59 AM
Biggest doubt/fear? I will never be the woman I know is inside me and I will suffer humiliation for it everyday for the rest of my life. I have just come out to self and wife this year and I am working with a gender therapist. I am just beginning.
But the fact that I acknowledge that fear, and still pursue this course convinces me that I am on the right path - only 50 years late. I know that in my heart and soul. I KNOW that.
Note to Cindy - Give THAT to Chuck Norris. You kill me girl...lol
I will do Sis. :laugh:
Doubts are also healthy because we can use them to target things we want to change.
Never ever accept humiliation. Walk tall and never accept that you cannot do it.
Old Chuck thinks he can/could act, if he could overcome that, we have no problems :laugh: :laugh:
I have only been on hormones for almost 3 weeks but I feel more and more certain I am doing the right thing. Still waiting on boobs to start showing but I am anticipating that with an air of excitement! I have to wait till after my son graduates HS in May to go 100%. I can barely wait though.
Quote from: Biscuit_Stix on November 22, 2012, 08:34:39 PM
I had doubts, I'll admit. I did. When I was a kid my mom told me I was hypochondriac because I loved to steal all the band-aids and sick them everywhere on me. (Little did she know that would later translate into wanting to stick tattoos everywhere haha!) So I thought, maybe I just want to be different? Or maybe I like attention? But then I remembered my social anxiety and what 'attention' normally does to me. Read: Panic attacks. So that wasn't it. So what was it? The thought that I couldn't put my finger on why I had doubts gave me even more doubts. I mean, me, the one who meditates on every stray emotion until it either goes away or I find the source and force it to go away. *I* couldn't find the source of my doubt. But then...
Then I got my first shot of T. And the feeling I got a few hours after? Like all was suddenly right with the world. I kicked back, relaxed, and just enjoyed the 8 hour drive home. Nothing flustered me (except Dallas traffic, ohdeargodmurder). I was finally *calm*. And I don't think I'll doubt again :)
good for you, that was wonderful to read and I feel quite the same in that I self analyze quite extensively :)
I don't know what happened to my old login but oh well, I'm not this new on the forums. Anyway!
I don't really know what to do, I don't think I ever did. I crossdressed early in life, but hated it at the same time. I didn't want to be a guy in a dress, and I didn't do it for, er, certain satisfactions. I've always wanted to be a girl, and even early in life I would hope I would one day wake up as a girl... and on the rare occasions when I was a girl in a dream, I really hated waking up. When I go shopping, I have to remind myself not to look too long at women's clothing as I leisurely pass them by (Don't want to attract any attention after all). Everytime I see something I'd love to wear though.
I've seen a therapist, and have gotten a letter for hormones. I went for an electrolysis session. Even went on a date with a guy once (fully dressed, wig and all). Each of those instances made me pause and think about where I was going with my life.
I think it boils down to... wanting to be a girl, but feeling that in the end, I will never BE a girl. It's a leap into the unknown. Unknown financial situations. Unknown social situations. Unknown outcomes and possibilities. I know how to be a guy. I know my finances, and I know how to behave in social situations (like not crying at sad parts of movies, ya'll know what I'm talking about!) I'm not UNHAPPY about being a guy. But I'm not happy either. It's one of those things that just 'is'.
If I could flip a switch and just be a female, I would do that without hesitation. But to undergo that arduous journey, from male to female, to spend thousands of dollars on surgeries where success isn't a guarantee. To risk the loss of a job. To relearn all social situations, all movements of the body, and even how and what pitch to speak in... Every time I think about that, I push the thoughts out of my mind once more, and move on with life. For another few months, before rereading and thinking about it some more. I always keep hoping for some amazing technology that would allow us to switch bodies or something. It's kind of sad, honestly, considering I don't have such unrealistic imaginings with anything else.
For now, I keep thinking on it, and for those moments when I really feel that gender dysphoria creeping up on me... I've found online games really can help with that!
1. I wonder if this is all some fantasy life I created in my head
2. I wonder if I only believe this is real because the stories I've read had similar childhood experiences, like if it's true for them it must be true for me.
3. I wake up some days feels like I'm cured and this transition thing is totally in the past and wish I didn't spend all that money on clothes yesterday. Days like that, I wonder what the heck I was thinking. Within a day or two, I'll wonder why I just purged.
4. I used to think I'd pass well, but I've learned of so many aspects I hadn't thought of before, I'm not sure how I'll get them all straight.
5. I wonder if I just feel this way because I'm lonely, rather than being lonely because I feel this way.
6. I was on hormones in the past and as soon as I started seeing the changes I wanted, I stopped using them because I was afraid of the changes actually happening. Transition fear.
In the end, I always remember that I needed this before I had any idea this was possible. I remember searching for it on the internet the first time I saw the internet and being very excited that it was actually possible... then being depressed when I saw the cost.
My doubts;
1. That I'm not 'trans enough' to justify FTM transition.
2. That I will never have the body and face that I want
3. That my fiance will leave me if I transition.
4. That, since transition is a one-way trip, I shouldn't do it. Better the devil you know...
:embarrassed:
I'm new to this forum, but I spent my whole life so far with many of these doubts inside. I don't want to spend what's left of it spinning around my gender only to go for the sex change at my deathbed. I'm only 28, and I think that I might be already late. I can't imagine myself spending 28 more years doubting, so whatever your doubts are, the moment to deal with them is NOW.
Doubt I will pass. I would love to go out as a woman full time, but I'm terrified that the fact that I'm almost 6 foot 1 will give me away. I still haven't started the transition, but even if my face looks decent, certainly being that tall will lead people to believe I'm trans.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 01, 2012, 06:59:33 PM
My doubts;
1. That I'm not 'trans enough' to justify FTM transition.
2. That I will never have the body and face that I want
3. That my fiance will leave me if I transition.
4. That, since transition is a one-way trip, I shouldn't do it. Better the devil you know...
:embarrassed:
I'll take 1, 2 and 4 too.
There is nothing more irritating than when we feel that we have a choice to transition instead of "transition or die".
Quote from: VegasLakers on December 09, 2012, 04:34:01 AM
I would love to go out as a woman full time, but I'm terrified that the fact that I'm almost 6 foot 1 will give me away.
Height isn't really a deal breaker. I'm only 5'10", but most of my gg friends are between 5'10" and 6' and I've yet to see anybody question their gender over it, even when they're wearing 5" spikes.
Quote from: Cindy James on November 16, 2012, 01:51:02 AM
Doubts?
F**k doubts.
I'm me.
Doubts hide behind rocks when I approach.
Seriously.
I never dreamed I could come this far.
I never ever thought it possible to be me.
I never ever ever thought I would be accepted.
Next week I've been asked to address the Haematology Society.
Little old Cindy will be standing there in a new dress and telling it how it is. And? They all knew me before I went FT.
Doubts?
I feed doubts to Chuck Norris.
Cindy, I love you, that was fierce! ;D
My doubts are about fearing being alone (losing my current partner and then being unable to find someone who makes me as happy as he does), making a wrong decision (starting transition and doing one-way permanent stuff, then realising that was not the right thing to do for me), and the fear that, no matter what I do, I'll never become the person I really want to be.
My doubts are that I find something that I think I want and obsess over it until I have it, then it's onto the next thing. I'm worried that transition might be the ultimate version of that.
The odds are good that I'll lose my wife and with her, 24/7 access to my son. I question whether it's worth it. Especially if I was to find that I have conned myself.
I look back at times this has come up before and I've managed to bury it (even hiding it from myself) for almost ten years. If I can hide it that well, then should I just carry on.
Deep down I know that this isn't the case, but I'm very good at rationalising my way out of doing anything vaguely scary. I like to know exactly how something will go before I do it and the unknown is the biggest fear.
The difference between this time and all the times before is that I know now how transition is done and that it's perfectly feasible, and hell I might even be passable after all. The fact that I *could* do it (and I know it) means I can't let it out of my head for too long.
By the way...
After one week of HRT and a daily popping of pills that over time will cause irreversible effects, I question if I am just being an irresponsible idiot with a complete disregard for self preservation. "Hey, I see no changes, so I guess I can continue and not think about the future difficulties".
Having a life disabling dysphoria sucks, but not having a degree that would make you want to kill yourself is also quite sucky. I will never be 100% sure that this was the correct decision. I guess that there is nothing in life like "doing the right thing". Just bad choices and really bad choices.
Quote from: Simon on December 09, 2012, 11:40:29 PM
I will never get over my social anxiety that has worsened over the years.
This is something that has stricken me a lot. I am not sure about transition, what i want in life, etc... But if there is one thing I want like nothing else in the world and I'd kill to achieve it, is getting rid of the social anxiety, and the other crippling mental social things. I'd even stand to spend a night with Courtney Love if that was the price. Eeeegh.
Sigh. Some doubts, trying to be very honest here.
What if I'm just making this up to get an easy solution for a more complex problem?
What if this is just another time of me putting on yet another identity because I just don't have one of my own?
What if this derives from some trauma that I never knew I had?
What if I'm just trying very hard to be a unique snowflake and am, in truth, just an attention-seeker?
What if the reason behind my gender issues is some kind of a mental disorder?
What if life was never supposed to be anything better than it used to be, and I'm just trying to fix something that isn't broken?
What if I am just lying to myself and all the good that has come from this is just an illusion?
What if I'm just totally obsessed with certain androgynous figures from media etc, and this is not really me, just admiration?
Sigh. I know that everything I've made so far during last year to look more like I feel inside has made me feel more alive and calm and happy than I even even knew was possible. I'm just still trying to search for other answers for why that is so. It'd be so easy if I could just say I knew I was a boy since age six, but I have no words for how I feel. I really have no words for why looking less female gives me such joy and ease and relief, and no idea where I'm going, just the feeling that I have to. Because this makes me feel so alive and real. But still, this could just be some elaborate lie that I've made up.
Hmm I guess my biggest doubt is: what if there is no such thing as transexualism? What if I'm just trying to play god in deciding I can be whatever I want?
I don't really think either of these questions matter in the scheme of things. I transitioned. I'm happier this way. But it's something I wonder about now and again.
Quote from: Phoeniks on January 02, 2013, 11:48:59 AM
Sigh. I know that everything I've made so far during last year to look more like I feel inside has made me feel more alive and calm and happy than I even even knew was possible.
Isn't that all that matters hon? :)
Quote from: Fat Admin on January 02, 2013, 12:39:08 PM
Isn't that all that matters hon? :)
Yea, it is. I just want to question myself, since I have been quite unstable with my identity in the past. Gonna take some time to be sure about this. ::)
I have many doubts well to be honest a list that is endless for as I lose some doubts I gain ever more, mine usually revolve around me ever passing and even if I do will I find a life partner, If not how many cats will I buy to compensate :P that part was to lighten the mood.
But yea I just have those standard doubts in transition however I know I thing if i never pass I will most probably have no reason to live , all my doctors know this but I dont really care life isnt worth living if its just a eternal cycle of heart ache.
Ah where to begin? Is this really who I am inside or am I just fooling myself? I look at my mannerism's and think, to what extent is my guy-ish behavior really me or just the way I've learnt to act to fit in? I know that I get far more girly (camp?) when I'm drunk and inhibition goes out the window, is that the real me then?
If I go through with this will I pass? Or have I waited too long now that puberty's taken it's toll? Will the people I know accept me and even if they do, how will they treat me from then on? What will it mean for employment and discrimination?
Am I just going crazy? Am I considering this because I'm just unhappy? Do I just want attention?
It's hard enough to see myself finding someone as it is, how on earth will that ever happen if I become trans?
There's more I'm sure but I think those are the most prominent in my mind fright now. These thoughts would be enough to curtail me from pursuing this any further if the other thought, of spending the rest of my life as a male, wasn't so damn depressing.
Quote from: Phoeniks on January 02, 2013, 11:48:59 AM
Sigh. Some doubts, trying to be very honest here.
What if I'm just making this up to get an easy solution for a more complex problem?
What if this is just another time of me putting on yet another identity because I just don't have one of my own?
What if this derives from some trauma that I never knew I had?
What if I'm just trying very hard to be a unique snowflake and am, in truth, just an attention-seeker?
What if the reason behind my gender issues is some kind of a mental disorder?
What if life was never supposed to be anything better than it used to be, and I'm just trying to fix something that isn't broken?
What if I am just lying to myself and all the good that has come from this is just an illusion?
What if I'm just totally obsessed with certain androgynous figures from media etc, and this is not really me, just admiration?
Sigh. I know that everything I've made so far during last year to look more like I feel inside has made me feel more alive and calm and happy than I even even knew was possible. I'm just still trying to search for other answers for why that is so. It'd be so easy if I could just say I knew I was a boy since age six, but I have no words for how I feel. I really have no words for why looking less female gives me such joy and ease and relief, and no idea where I'm going, just the feeling that I have to. Because this makes me feel so alive and real. But still, this could just be some elaborate lie that I've made up.
There are many possibilities.
If the problem is more complex than that, I just cannot know. If you need to talk.. :)
I think it's possible for us to start with 'no' identity. But then, it's our call. If you feel like wearing skulls and boy's clothes, isn't it part of it? The whole phenomenology may tell you what's going on, what you'll like.
A trauma is a very tricky one: sometimes we just don't realize something was a trauma, and we just move on without really noticing.
We are unique snowflakes. And at the same time we will never be, because there just will be someone like us, not exactly like us, but like us. And it's right to seek some attention. :P as long as it's healthy!
If it was from a mental disorder, I think it would relate easily (pardon me if it wouldn't), at least to the eyes of a doc.
It may happen that that was never really broken. But if it's nicer... :)
Many things can be an illusion. But again, many lives are lived in a full illusion state. The dream of a house with two kids and etc, for example.
I am also obsessed with certain androgynous figures. But when I see myself in the mirror, I like what I see more and more. Linked or not be this with the androgynous figures.
I also confess that I have some of these questions. Well, we deep inside probably will have them all the time. *but* the current state is way better than years ago, as a comparison. Whatever turned out of this was for good reasons, and I feel better. So it just must be good.
And if you really feel like it, I fear that we just can't think about things before - we simply cannot preview the future. Specially when we change *this* lot. We may falter, but the feeling, I think, always comes. Either as positive or negative. Mine has been positive for two years. That means a lot... :)
Quote from: VegasLakers on December 09, 2012, 04:34:01 AM
Doubt I will pass. I would love to go out as a woman full time, but I'm terrified that the fact that I'm almost 6 foot 1 will give me away. I still haven't started the transition, but even if my face looks decent, certainly being that tall will lead people to believe I'm trans.
I want you to go look at the "Before and After" topic on the MtF transsexual talk board!
Never say never! Height is not a drawback. I have a 6-foot tall, 19-year old daughter, who is not mistaken for a man.
I just wanted to add one of my own experiences with the word "Doubt".
I worked in a particular country in SE Asia where the word "doubt" was commonly used to describe things which we under suspicion as invalid solutions. Suspicion=Paranoia in some cases.
A person would review a design but hold up his finger and while nodding his head, he would say in a self-assured tone to himself 'I have my doubts that this is not going to work"
I could literally sit back and watch this man mentally "detach" from the design. Although the design itself was rock-solid, he didn't quite understand how it could be implemented. Once he started nodding his head, it was the beginning of the end.
That is, until his boss, a much more experienced and wise man stepped in and shook this man up, saying "look-it" -your job is not to try to change the design....the design will work, your job is to find the way to implement the design. The man started back like a broken record with the "but I Doubt..." and his boss stopped him and said "Enough with the doubts man, just get it done."
And it worked out just fine.
What I get from this experience and others to back it up, is that "Doubt" is our own insecurity manifesting into whatever we are involved with. Sometimes we need someone to step in and say "look-it" this is going to work.
Trying to relate this back into what I've read so far. It's perfectly normal to question major upcoming life-altering decisions. Asking these questions is the best thing we can do in order to provide ourselves with the reality checks that are needed to come to terms with these decisions in order to take things to the next level. (It's just not worth getting stuck in a holding pattern because of insecurity)
No offense to anyone, but I've had some bad experiences with the word "doubt"... it's left a mark. So I'm just going to say that my personal concerns in the short term have to do with my upcoming FFS 2 weeks from now. My HRT was delayed and getting that squared away in the next month is also a concern, I have the letter, but finding the right doctor, etc.
In the long run, it's all about planning, and making my current career work for me. I'm the boss of a bunch of men, who have always seen me as a man, and I'm not going to just fold my company to allow for the transition, no I think I will first try to weave this all together somehow -Mindy
Quote from: Brooke777 on November 15, 2012, 07:37:19 PM
I doubt I will ever see a woman in the mirror.
I was wrong!! Yay! I have seen her a couple of times. ;D
I always like to wonder, what if I never did this thing? Would I still be around or would I have offed myself, or would I just be a miserable person. Then I think of the smile on my face every single day when I wake up and greet each morning with a happy smile. How could I ever put a price on happiness?
So yes I would be lying if I said I never think what if I never did this, but on the other hand my gender transition has given me nothing but happiness. So I stop worrying about doubts.
Best. Thread. Ever.
Well it's just helped me a lot at this point in my transition. Somehow it's nice to know I'm not alone with these.
I was so sure of my transition, I knew I wanted it so I got onto HRT as quickly as I could, as soon as I got onto Spiro, I had doubts. Then they settled down and I was feeling great, living part-time and started dating as myself. Met someone great who made me feel like the girl I always knew I was.. and then I decided to come out to my father after that confidence boost.
And back with more doubts. It seems like every significant step is surrounded by a mote of doubts that I have to swim over.
I can echo some doubts described here, in particular;
- the "not trans enough", that one especially!
- what if I'm wrong and I've just deluded myself?
- how unhappy was I really? just because I want this, do I really need this?
- will I ever be ready for SRS? do I want to live that way if I'm not?
- what if I just don't fit in as a girl? and people clock me by my mannerisms?
Quote from: AbbeyNormal on January 16, 2013, 12:20:57 PM
I doubt I'll stay on this forum.
I have long spells where I am away from these forums. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with doubt and I need a few months reprieve.
As to my doubts and worries:
- I am married. My spouse says he is okay with me being transgender and he has always been rather awesome, but I sometimes have doubts. I will think, "Maybe he is just saying this for my benefit, but is truly not comfortable." I do not want to lose him D: But then I think, "Well, we are both trans, and we came out to each other early in the relationship, so I am probably just being a worry-wort."
- We want to have kids, so I worry that I might be a negative factor in their future :[
I also think of the positive influence that we will have on our kids, though :)
- I have doubts about my moral "goodness." Many people would say that I am particularly fit for survival, yet I am not happy with my body. I want to do as much good as I can and if changing my body is going to harm humanity, I would feel miserable. Then I think, "Delusions of grandeur, much?" And then I think of the traits that would not be beneficial for the gene pool and I feel better (which sounds horrible o_o)
- I have doubts about my mental stability. I used to be a fairly angry and violent child-- with good reason, I believe. It makes me worry, though, that my mental state is not even close to normal. I used to worry that I was a sociopath and that was when I started enforcing very rigid self-control. I have since decided that I am not a sociopath, I just needed to muddle through mental trauma for a bit. Plus, my sex-drive hardly exists and I absolutely abhor the thought of controlling people.
- I think of Alan Turing as a mentally superior human being. I have a fear of losing my mental clarity (it is actually terrifying, for me, and I have nightmares about it). When he was forced to consume feminising hormones, he reported mental fogginess and this is attributed to the cause of his death in some hypothesis (committing suicide because he could no longer be his fully functioning self). However, I hope that his mental fog was due to depression or stress as opposed to the hormones. I feel like I am mentally foggy as it is and that HRT will at least briefly liberate my mind.