Tomorrow, the 7th of April, 2013, I Eric (Erin) Howell (Schuppert - last name by birth), will be coming out to my wife about being transgendered. I am not sure I know exactly how well or bad its going to go but I know I must do it. Not just for the fact that I've always felt different then other boys but that being uncomfortably locked in this body has reached its breaking point.
Suicide is something that has crossed my mind and I have attempted to kill myself twice when I was in my teens because I thought "theres no way a boy should have these thoughts". More recently its that if I cant be happy I wont be happy.
I dont want to end this on a dark note. Ill keep posting about what and how everything plays out. Im trying to stay positive by saying "im only 27 and have a tremendous amount of time to live my life still... even if that means ill be going at it alone.
-Erin
www.erinhowell.blog.com (http://www.erinhowell.blog.com)
If you want to look at it its basically what ive put here but localized.
Good luck!! *hugs* :)
Good luck!
Good luck and Hugs.
Suicide is something we sometimes think about when we see or feel there is no way out and we can not cope with the pain. The pain of the inside self not matching our outside and how others referance us. The overwhelming sence of not being able to resolve the many issues and being stuck in pain.
Your have a plan and are taking action. Like a Nautalist, the chamber you are in now is too small and you are bulding another chamber; one larger and one that leads to being you on the inside and how others treat and see you on the outside. You are strong, a steel forged in hell and able to get through disclosure. You have 50 or 60 years ahead of you.
I wish you the best of luck and hope everything ends on a better than expected note!
Thank you all so much for your kind words. Unfortunately im here at work all night till 9am so ive still got several hours to stew in my head. Ive been smoking like a chimney to cope so far but I was able to talk with a good friend for a couple hours so hopefully my anxiety comes down a little.
Ill post an update tomorrow how it went.
-Erin
My best wishes go to you, best of luck
Hope it goes well.
All I want to do now is just die.
Quote from: Erin Schuppert on April 07, 2013, 08:51:05 PM
All I want to do now is just die.
*hugs*
It will get better, trust us. Most of us have been through similar situations, some in very bad.
*hugs*
*pats on back*
Please don't, you're every bit precious.
Let it out, we will listen.
I came out to my wife today...
I had this idea that when I do finally hear myself say these words to her that I would somehow feel this weight lifted off of me and that I might begin to live my life the way I've always felt it was meant to be.
No. No. Hell No.
Turns out I feel much worse off then I did before. I'm afraid to leave the house for fear I might lose it while driving, I've locked the guns up, and I've secluded myself to the office where I am playing world of warcraft while popping nicotine lozenges like there going out of style.
I don't want to lose her. She said that she loves me no matter what, but that imagining herself with another woman down the road is a hard concept for her to grasp. I get it, I don't want to put her in any situation that she doesn't want to be in. But its a real possibility that my relationship with her is at its end.
I feel awful like I should have just kept my mouth shut, endured being unhappy, and taking medications for my depression as needed so that what we have right now wont change.
I want to be happy but I don't want her to be unhappy. I know it shouldn't be that way. It should be if someone cant love you for you then its their loss right? But why do I feel like I'm the one losing? Why am I so sad about this? We've only been together for three years! I've had cars in my life longer then this relationship.
I want to move forward with my life and be the person I feel, correction, I KNOW I am, But I am scared to do it without her. I don't want to be alone in this and if shes out... that's it. I have no one else in my immediate circle of friends or family that will stand by.
I feel like I made this journey to a T intersection.. and to my left the road has fallen away, and to the right the road has fallen as well. Seems like its just Jump or turn back to unhappiness.
I 100% regret that I did not do this when I was younger. I would have not had as much resistance or disappointment following.
All I've done for the last six hours is cry
I have registered for the first time after lurking for a while because I really felt for this post.
While I can't say that this will comfort you, things do get better. Please don't hate yourself or dwell too deeply in negative thoughts. You didn't do anything wrong by admitting your identity. Give things time and allow wounds to heal. Coming out is never easy and sometimes can present short term issues; however, for many, it has brought about a new happy beginning. Please, don't let things get you down.
Also, your wife seemed to have a positive reaction by telling you that she will always love you. From what you said, there is still a GOOD chance that things will work out in the end. If possible, it may be good for you to attend joint therapy and discuss your concerns as a couple with a professional. I know this has been beneficial for many.
Please take care and feel better. Even though you don't know me (first post and all), if you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate. I am soon going to go through the coming out phase and I can sympathize with what you are going through.
Update!
Still crying, I'm going to bed now...
Hi sry you are feeling so bad at the moment. Just had similar things going on myself with parents. I cant say i know how things will work out for you. All i can say is your not alone and i feel for you in this. And remember you are who you are denying that will only cause you more problems in the future Trust me i know. I truly hope it works out for you and your wife, but if it doesnt it will get better. You will be sad about it for a while but in the end you come out the other side. :icon_hug:
I really hope I can talk with a therapist soon. I'm not trusting myself to be alone at home right now.
I might just deny myself so that what I have with her wont go away.
I feel worse then I did before, I've gone back into hiding so to speak...
I know I'm not the only one to go through this, and I'm sure it's been worse for others so I shouldnt feel like I'm some special snowflake but the internet is only a buffer for so long when venting. I have no one in my life to talk about this with anymore. I am alone.
Erin,
The first week after I came out to my wife of nearly 12 years...and this was only like six weeks ago...was terrible. The worst heartbreak for both of us that we have ever experienced. I actually had a different profile on here, and deleted it. I wanted to erase any memory of me being trans. I just wanted the marriage to go back to some semblance of a solid foundation.
My wife moved out of the house soon after, and in the process we both realized our relationship as it existed was over. We will never be the husband and wife we were, nor will we ever have again the magic of the relationship that existed. We have history, and that is all.
That said, she moved back in a couple of weeks ago, and to be honest, it has been more special than it probably has been in the 2 or 3 years previous. I think part of it is that we are "dating" and trying to redefine the marriage. Part of it is that neither of us want it to end. Like your SO, she has told me she is not a lesbian. She also said there will come a point in the transition where she will decide to leave, though she does not know yet what that point is, just as I am not certain how far my transition will be.
For now, we are taking it one day at a time, and I am trying to be very respectful of the pace at which I hit her with new information. We almost had our first week without tears last week, but last night was rough as a good friend of mine shared with us that he is struggling with accepting me (it gave her second thoughts, and led her down the road to thinking about divorce).
The pain you have is very raw right now, but it will get better. It will also get better for her. You should seek a professional counselor, though, if you have the means. They will help with perspective, and also give you a safe place to vent.
Good luck,
Toni
Try to find local LGBTQ support groups in your area...especially groups for trans-people.
If you ever get desperate about "ending it", please please come here and simply say you want to talk...there's a lot of people here who will talk with you. This is something I struggle with quite often...and for me I keep telling myself, "this too shall pass", because it alwaus does. It might be 5 days, 5 hours, or even 5 minutes...the trick is to NOT do anything to hurt yourself during that time...promise yourself to survive the next few minutes...then the next few...and so on, until hope returns. IT WILL RETURN! Just give it some time!
And it's ok to cry...cry until you can laugh again. And know that we're family here, we care about you.
*hugs*
I have no magic answer (wish I did).
No easier here, I have been married 27 years, and I don't think that makes it harder, I think 3 years or 300 would feel about the same I suppose.
Your wife saying she loves you regardless, well that is a win.
But you have to let her transition as much as yourself eh. This won't be an overnight thing for her even if she has no plans of leaving.
It's not going to be easy, but think on this, can you recall how it felt being alone before you met her? I know, in my case, walking home alone at the end of a night at the bar looking for mrs right, or even mrs acceptable for that matter was crushingly depressing.
It won't be an easy journey, but no great journey is all flat and smooth eh.
Of course it is hard for her to grasp. Heck it is hard for US to grasp, why should it be easy for her. You will need to be there for her just as much as you are there for yourself.
This won't be a short trip. If you were single well you'd only need to decide how far and how fast. Alas, you have a more detailed life. Just the way it goes I suppose. As much as I want that easy level of process, I am glad I am not going down the road alone.
Sorry for your pain, hugs.
Your wife is in trama. The news you gave her was something you have delt with for your life and she has had a few days. She has typical binary views in Transg* and she does not know what Transg* is. It is a spectrum and includes many varieties and types. A gender therapist is needed and when appropriate she should attend too. Families transition and not just an individual.
I came out to my wife in March. It is very difficule and she said she will not leave but she can not have sex with a woman. We made love 3 times since. I wanted to be honest with her as she said that was most important. The 2nd time I told her I viewed myself as a woman when we had sex. It was a very big mistake and the person I trust and love got very upset and words such as freak and deviate were used. I remaind calm and understanding ( crying a great deal). We made love 1 time since and are due again soon :) The therapist said lots of people have fantisies while having sex but seldome are they shared with the other person.
Perhaps going slow, giving her space and reinforcing your love for her can help. She may want to know why you married if you are transg*. I told my wife at 22 I stopped all sex with others. 6 years later I meet her and thought I could keep it hidded and I had someone who loved me. For 20 years I kept it hidden and coped. One day I could not cope any more. The girls and guys here pulled me off the ledge till I could see a social worker at a LGBT center and then a Therapist.
Slow and steady, give her room and show her you love her. Truth is not a gift, love is a gift and it needs nurishment.
A quick update.. ill post more later when I can.
After hours of awkward silence, crying, and a strangeness about our relation ship. My wife said word for word, "I love you no matter what and always. Ill never leave you no matter what or who you are.. inside or out."
Now I cant stop crying because im so happy. Now the weight is beginning to lift from me.
Anyway I didnt want anyone to worry about me here so I thought id drop a line. Ill post again in depth later.
Thank you all for your kind words, without you I might not have made it through the night.
Fantastic news.
Good for you Erin! I came out to my late wife a few years back, she had already accepted and supported my crossdressing, but then I threw this into the mix. And being the loving, caring person she was, she accepted the addition of TG and said I could go as far as I wanted except no SRS. And I was fine with that, truly I was. She passed away last year and my life was in a complete turmoil for a while, I finally met someone that was again a very caring and sharing person, my gender issues did present a stumbling block, she said she could tolerate a little of it but preferred to not deal with it. No worries there as I sent her an email a couple of days ago telling her that we could be friends but I did not think there was a relationship in our future. Long story short, my email made her so angry that she told me too never contact her again, I miss her terribly, but life goes on. Dealing with gender issues between yourself and a SO can be tricky indeed, I think you have been blessed with a wonderful wife much like my late wife was. Good luck to you as you continue down this road, it can be rocky at times, but we find our real selves as we move down that road!
DeniseD
I am very glad to hear everything is getting better!! Even though it is all terrifying, there always seems to be a big light at the end of the tunnel with coming out. This may very well be the start of something very amazing for you -and your wife!!
Great to hear you are feeling better. Life is a tough journey but it is definitely worth every bump.
Sending you all my best.
So I was just told that everything will be ok as long as I dont change my physical appearance.
So in other words shes not ok with this and its gone back to the awkward possible divorce stage.
I want to run away from all this. I told her I wont change and thing or talk about it anymore. I effectively will be denying myself for her.
I feel like dying. My depression will be coming back soon im sure. The only one thats been there for me.
Hey Erin,
Have you thought about going to joint therapy with your wife? Even though she is not 100 percent behind this, she seems willing to learn and accept this side of you to a degree. I know there are some therapists who specialize in gender issues and are willing to meet with spouses as well. It may do you both some good. Please, try to think positive. Depression is terrible and causes us see only the bad. Your wife sounds like she really loves you and cares about maintaining your relationship. So that's a good thing! I really think it would be good if you both explored this together through therapy and support groups. Have you asked her about this? If so, how did she respond?
Sorry if anyone say that last post. I just removed it. No one needs to worry im fine. Maybe not mentally but physically im still here.
I dont want to leave my life. Ive decided im still going to speak with a therapist and find out if theres something I can do to make myself do what I need to do to get on the right track.
Again im so sorry if anyone read that last post. I shouldn't speak like that here nor should I be making those threats to myself I am sorry.
I just keep asking is losing her worth being happy? Is being happy more or less important that being true to yourself?
Well, first things first:
You can't be happy if you aren't true to yourself.
If she truly loves you, she'll be with you no matter what, but unfortunately I've seen too many spouses( men and women) who leave once the person they married changes...not just TS, but burn victims, cancer, car accident, war, etc.
It's just a fact of life that many, if not most, spouses cannot deal with change. Ask yourself this--if she realized she was FTM, and wanted the whole deal, surgery and all...would you have stayed with her? (Assume for this that you are NOT TS)
It's a tough row to hoe, that's for sure. But always be true to yourself. In the end, "you" is all you've got.
Quote from: Erin Schuppert on April 08, 2013, 10:15:57 PM
So I was just told that everything will be ok as long as I dont change my physical appearance.
I think there's a load of space there for negotiation.
I have to agree with Beth but equally, know from 30 years of my own marriage, that it's all compromise, on both sides.
Having seen marriages end I know that this always happens when one refuses to compromise further. You both need to rediscover your common ground.
When you're feeling better, that will make a lot more sense.
Your situation sounds not unlike mine. When I first came out to my wife, she cried, yelled and shutdown on me. I just wanted to take it all back, to make her smile again. Thankfully, I was already in therapy and I knew from discussing it with my therapist that no matter what I said or did, taking it back was not going to be as seamless as it sounds.
My wife went through the same stages of grief as yours: outright threatening to leave me, saying it was fine as long as I never changed physically, to now where she's at the point where she doesn't 'prefer' this life but is open to it. We still have fights and hang ups, but the more we communicate the better. Its a give and take, but most of all she needs time to process it all and you have to be strong, honest. Don't agree to anything you will regret later, but also be gentle and listen to her needs as well.
Beth is right you cant be happy unless you are true to yourself. You may be able to create an illusion of happiness for a while, but it will eat away at you gradually. So eventually you could end up worse of.
I know it seems hard now, but in the long run you need to do what will actually make you happy long term. Nobody can tell you what decision to make. Though it sometimes feels like it would be easier if they could. You have to decide this yourself, and you will have my support whatever that decision. Just remember one thing if your transgendered you are transgendered. Its not something you can just wish away. trust me ive tried and i ended up spending a year in a therapy group because of it.
I wish I could wish it away. Truly. Being transgendered has done nothing but eat at my life and cause more problems then I would care to share.
I'm trying to either get in a group or talk to a therapist but everytime I call I always get an answer machine. I am stuck in my head until I can find someone. And I kniw I told my wife just forget it I wont change the way I look. But I really really really want to, I know that would make me feel better.
A cant have the cake and eat it too situation.
I finally got a hold of a Dr. And I go in to talk with him tomorrow at 9am
I know being trans sucks but you're prob going to have to embrace it if you want to be truly happy. You don't sound very happy now but you're taking the right steps by being honest with your wife about your feelings.
It seems like your wife is dead set against transition and you really can't blame her. She married a man. But, if you really are trans, transitioning is the best thing in the world. So you really need to figure that out. It sounds like you are, but you are also really attached to your wife as well. That's a tough situation.
I don't know what your sex life is like but I'm assuming you have sex and from her POV, she prob likes, wants, and needs certain things from a man. By transitioning, you're taking that away. So you have to consider her needs as well if you want to stay together. Respect, honesty and compromise are the keystones of a healthy relationship.
EDIT: I reread your original post (Your blog didn't work) and I realized your around the same age as me. Plus, you both really haven't been together THAT long. It's long but you're both at a point where you can both start over and have healthy, complete lives. Putting this off or denying it, only hurts both of you in the end. Plus she now knows and she won't unknow it. I would transition if I were you. Of course, I am transitioning, so there's that and I'm biased.
Re: sex and a woman's "certain needs...from a man."
There are men who have lost the function of, or in some cases, the organ itself...and if the woman loves him, she will adapt.
Then there's the emotional component...you won't be able to play the role of The Man, instead the relationship will be more lesbian-ish...which, from what I understand, is a much more 50/50 companionship than the typical hetero marriage (I'd believe that to be 80/20...the man brings in 80% of the income, and the woman spends 80% of the income)
So yeah, there will be changes in the relationship...deal with them, negotiate for them...but don't sell yourself out just to keep her.
Best of luck, hope it turns out for the best!
This is going to sound horrible but im prepared to lose my wife to make myself happy... but im scared to actually do so. In my mind its crystal and I know what to say and how to say it. Its just putting it into action that scares me. Im so afraid to say anything else to her about this that we've started a dont ask dont tell sort of thing.
I feel im walking on egg shells for her . But I am going to see a therapist tomorrow so hopefully ill build some courage to say something eventually.
Quote from: Beth Andrea on April 09, 2013, 07:14:55 PM
There are men who have lost the function of, or in some cases, the organ itself...and if the woman loves him, she will adapt.
Then there's the emotional component...you won't be able to play the role of The Man, instead the relationship will be more lesbian-ish...which, from what I understand, is a much more 50/50 companionship than the typical hetero marriage (I'd believe that to be 80/20...the man brings in 80% of the income, and the woman spends 80% of the income)
So yeah, there will be changes in the relationship...deal with them, negotiate for them...but don't sell yourself out just to keep her.
So the wife should become a lesbian? When she's prob straight? Usually when you try to force something, it breaks. If the wife is Bi, it will or could work. If she is straight, it will not. Sometimes things are black and white. From what the poster is saying, she has zero interest in sex with a women. I know lots of women and some, not all, find the idea of being with another women repulsive. The same way a man would prob break it off with her wife if his wife were to be an FTM. UNLESS THE GUY IS BI.
And becoming impotent is world's away from becoming a woman. Yes, I'm sure relationships have survived where the man becomes impotent but even then...she's 27. A woman peaks sexually at 35. I agree, I don't think the OP should sell herself out. But you can't negotiate someone into being something they are not. Sometimes, it's nobody's fault.
EDIT: I've been in a situation not all unlike this. The difference being that my ex-fiance knew I was trans and pretty femme from the get-go. In fact, the whole reason she went out with me was because I am the way I am. She said when we first started going out that when we started dating she was looking to date a woman and that I was this ideal middle-ground, because I'm emotionally and mentally very female (apparently). She even asked one time when I was in the Sears Auto Center looking for a battery that why I was trying to be so macho and that it doesn't become me and that it's not the person she met and fell in love with. I had a list of things to get I neglected to tell her that so it was prob weird why all the sudden I was so interested in cars and tools. I wasn't. Not that a woman can't like those things (not saying that), it's that it would be like if all the sudden your SO shows a whole lot of interest in something you wouldn't think they would.
In the end four or so years later, turns out she wasn't so lesbian-inclined and the relationship ended. BADLY. It was painful for both of us. I couldn't stop crying for six months. Every turn was a trip turn ex-girlfriend memory lane. Then I started drinking very heavily and then tried to be a whole lot more masculine to win her back and my life spinned out of control. This was five years ago when I was 25. I was going to trnasition then but I got sidetracked for five fracking years. But that's over now and I'm back on track so...I may me rambling and I'll shut up. Sorry. But hopefully that helps the OP somehow.
My heart goes out to you, I know your pain.
I destroyed my relationship with my first wife by coming out to her. She hated me and still dose, not that I care! She would not even talk about my issues, she married a man and wanted nothing different.
I like you was upset about destroying the relationship that I had at the time, problem was there were young children involved. So I put my happyness on hold to be with my children.
I have now re-married to a beautiful lady that is very caring and understanding, and loves me for me!
My wife knew about my crossdressing before we even wet on our first date, I hid nothing from her, and still she married me.
I told my wife about 2 months ago that I can no longer hide who I really am, I am Transgender were the words I used in the conversation. My wife cryed and was upset, but not with me. She understood how I felt as she had gender issues herself, but decided that having children was what she wanted more than anything! The idea of not being able to have another child was what upset her. So the compermise is we have another child so she can fulfill her dream of having 3 children. Easy i like children as I am the stay at home parent as it is. So another won't make any difference.
I am lucky to have my wife, as she has no problem with any of my transition , even srs if that's what I want. She even stated she would never leave me as she love me for me, not for what I look like, and she understands that I will still be me, the person that she married! I love her with all my heart that's for sure, she is my world!
I hope you can sort something with your wife, but most of all be happy to be yourself!
Hugs
Angela
Quote from: Joanna Dark on April 09, 2013, 08:24:18 PM
So the wife should become a lesbian? When she's prob straight? Usually when you try to force something, it breaks. If the wife is Bi, it will or could work. If she is straight, it will not.
Adding my two cents...I'm FTM and my husband is straight. It can work. My husband and I were best friends first. Sex is a pretty small part of our relationship. So far, he has been very accepting; I have been presenting male (and frequently pass), and we still do all the things we used to. Sex has changed, although it hasn't stopped.
Just wanted to say that there is hope; a lot of it can depend on what kind of relationship you have with your SO. Best advice I can give is to be very open with your plans, and to GO SLOW with your transition - a pace where your spouse can keep up. It's been hard for me to put the breaks on, but it's the least I can do to keep my husband comfortable as each little change comes.
That's awesome Ford. It's great things worked out for you. You're right it is a case-by-case thing and it's hard to know what will work out and what won't when you tell your SO you're trans. I certainly don't want to freak the OP out more than she already is. It would be interesting to know the statistics on how may relationships survive when one person is trans. I guess we're such a secretive bunch that you'll never really know.
Quote from: Joanna Dark on April 09, 2013, 08:24:18 PM
So the wife should become a lesbian? When she's prob straight? Usually when you try to force something, it breaks. If the wife is Bi, it will or could work. If she is straight, it will not. Sometimes things are black and white. From what the poster is saying, she has zero interest in sex with a women. I know lots of women and some, not all, find the idea of being with another women repulsive. The same way a man would prob break it off with her wife if his wife were to be an FTM. UNLESS THE GUY IS BI.
There's a lot more to intimacy and sex than just the ol' in-out. And non-in/out sex details don't matter whether you're male or female, or even a eunuch...the only form of sex that is specific to lesbianism is cunnilingus...which is a learned "taste" anyway.
QuoteAnd becoming impotent is world's away from becoming a woman. Yes, I'm sure relationships have survived where the man becomes impotent but even then...she's 27. A woman peaks sexually at 35. I agree, I don't think the OP should sell herself out. But you can't negotiate someone into being something they are not. Sometimes, it's nobody's fault.
The conversation was specifically about losing the man-parts, which = sex. That's why I used the comparison of injury or loss.
I understand about not forcing someone into what they're not...that's why I let my ex use her reasons for our divorce, rather than my own (which were different than hers). But this is a two-way street...the wife should not force Erin to be something she's not.
QuoteEDIT: I've been in a situation not all unlike this. The difference being that my ex-fiance knew I was trans and pretty femme from the get-go. In fact, the whole reason she went out with me was because I am the way I am. She said when we first started going out that when we started dating she was looking to date a woman and that I was this ideal middle-ground, because I'm emotionally and mentally very female (apparently). She even asked one time when I was in the Sears Auto Center looking for a battery that why I was trying to be so macho and that it doesn't become me and that it's not the person she met and fell in love with. I had a list of things to get I neglected to tell her that so it was prob weird why all the sudden I was so interested in cars and tools. I wasn't. Not that a woman can't like those things (not saying that), it's that it would be like if all the sudden your SO shows a whole lot of interest in something you wouldn't think they would.
I wouldn't bat an eye. (My ex would probably use a bat on my eye...)
QuoteIn the end four or so years later, turns out she wasn't so lesbian-inclined and the relationship ended. BADLY. It was painful for both of us. I couldn't stop crying for six months. Every turn was a trip turn ex-girlfriend memory lane. Then I started drinking very heavily and then tried to be a whole lot more masculine to win her back and my life spinned out of control. This was five years ago when I was 25. I was going to trnasition then but I got sidetracked for five fracking years. But that's over now and I'm back on track so...I may me rambling and I'll shut up. Sorry. But hopefully that helps the OP somehow.
Sorry to hear about the finality, especially after having such hope! I would've loved for my ex to even be a little lezzy...for that matter, I'd have loved for her to give me the time of day! LOL!! But, alas and Woo-HOO! it wasn't to happen...
Thank you all for your kind words.
Again I am amazed at how everyone has come together on this, I truly dont deserve this. I've been alone my whole life due to this and to hear others talk with me and try to encourage me to be ME... you have no idea how this has touched me. I am forever grateful no matter what the outcome is in my life. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
With that Ill be getting some sleep, I have an appointment with a therapist as I've said earlier in the morning.... and then five 7pm-7am shifts back to back. Its taking a lot right now to calm my nerves. But I know I can sleep a little easier knowing that I have such the online family I never had before.
-Erin
OP. I wish that everything works for you in your relationship and you are definitely not alone in this.
I will give you some insight about my situation a couple of years ago. It didn't work for me. My ex tried to work with it, but in the end honestly she wanted a man and not a woman. It wasn't really about the sex. Though I still game, I still travel and do most things I did as a man. I am not that anymore and she knew. It is a sexual orientation thing at that point. Was I crushed absolutely. But I am grateful she gave it a chance to see if it would work between us. Please understand this isn't the case for everyone, and I am envious of those that have relationships that stay together.
The only thing is don't force her to accept you, or stay with you, or do idle threats and such. That is just bad news for everyone and most likley will end up bad. However if you are truly happy with who you are and and you need to transition go for it, you just have to be prepared to accept the good and bad though. Whether or not you sacrifice your happiness for hers that is your choice that you have to make and only you alone can make that.
You have to take it nice and slow and try to work it out and if it works out break out the wine glasses and celebrate. If not, at least you know you tried. That parts sounds kind of cold but when it was over between me and my SO, I definitely was crushed, but I also gain some comfort that she tried to make it work and unfortunately she needed a man. She is my best friend, more of a sister now. Not teh best outcome, but I think I was fortunate it ended in a positive way.
This place is always here for help and advice :)
Jennifer
Im freaking out. I dont know where else to turn... I had an appointment with a therapist at 9am.... its 9:40 now and my nerves are shot. I cant even begin to explain my anxiety. I wasnt able to find anyone else in this area and I wont have another time ti talk with anyine for at least a week.
I really need to get in there. I dont want to go home again without this.
Im one messed up cookie for sure.
Did you miss your appt?
Ive been here since 8:45. (Sorry for all this updating like this. Its probably not the place for it.)
Quote from: Erin Schuppert on April 10, 2013, 09:52:41 AM
Ive been here since 8:45. (Sorry for all this updating like this. Its probably not the place for it.)
*hugs*
Here, have some Skittles...nothin' like a sugar rush to find your happy again...
Was your T a no-show? What happened?
Ok I finally got to see him. He was running late and had accidentally put me for last week. Lol everything is fine and im glad I got to talk to someone about this. He told me I really needed to come back so im scheduled again for next week. Oh also... hes gay. So tuat comment about a cute therapist that I made... scratch that haha.
I feel a lot better. Not much but vetter then before. Hes super nice and totally underatands me and keeps it fun I reallylike that. ;D
Erin, I'm happy that your life is headed in the right direction. I came out as transgender nearly 8 years ago at age 56. I didn't know I was trans until then. My wife was shocked :o when I told her. It was an adjustment for her seeing me in women's clothing.
Today, she accepts me as Gennee. I came out at my place of worship. Everyone embraced me. I've been married nearly 33 years. Yes, it can work. It takes patience and time. It's a lot for the spouse and other family members to digest. No one can live life for you and you have a right to be happy. :)
There are three pieces you will need to work on, the mind, the spirit and the body. Your are in transition but have no direction or information. The therapist is a great start. Susan's please is great too. I recommnd you ask the therapist for a recommendation of a book or two for you to start with.
I know you want to explode and it is natural. You finally are starting to accept yourself. You will be on an emotional roller coaster. The slower and more methodical the ride the easer it is for all the passengers. It is a long ride so relax, breath, plan and then act. When you speak words they have meaning and impact and you can not get the words back.
I have no filters with respect to LGBTQIA and think everyone is part of the letters. To my surprise they are not. Also, i thought I would get compassion and understanding from my wife and was I surprised. I know as I learn more about myself and accept more of who I am then everyday there are new disphoria issues to address. It get really tiring and taxing until you just give into your inside sex and realize it is a matter of time the outside will need to better align. You call the shots at to how much and when. You are in control of your true destiny for the 1st time in your life.
Wow my last post was full of typos. I apologize.
Im still feeling great. I was actually dancing in my car on the way to work tonight lol. I know what I need to do to be happy and im going to go for it.
My wife is starting to research TG and slowly starting to talk about it a little more. Baby steps. We will see how thats going to go but im prepared (at least I think I am) to face the challenges ahead whethrr I go it alone or not.
I cant wait to start HRT and feel better about myself. Thank you all for the support I really needed the help. :D
Quote from: Erin S on April 10, 2013, 09:36:40 PM
Wow my last post was full of typos. I apologize.
Im still feeling great. I was actually dancing in my car on the way to work tonight lol. I know what I need to do to be happy and im going to go for it.
My wife is starting to research TG and slowly starting to talk about it a little more. Baby steps. We will see how thats going to go but im prepared (at least I think I am) to face the challenges ahead whethrr I go it alone or not.
I cant wait to start HRT and feel better about myself. Thank you all for the support I really needed the help. :D
Yay!! I'm so happy for you! Good luck with everything!!
:)
I am glad to hear you are feeling better. This is not an easy thing and there will be difficulties ahead. However, if you feel the need to transition (partially or fully), than you may have to be willing to make sacrifices. I know that is hard, but if this is truly what you want than you are going to have to consider that.
I am glad that you are in therapy and discussing this with a professional. It is also nice to hear that your wife is openly discussing this with you and trying to learn. It is very clear that she loves you and wants to be there for you. I think that is great, and I'm hoping that everything works out for you. It sounds like you are off to a solid start!!
Im beginning to open up to other people I know (online close friends of course). But still its a liberating feeling. This is going to he quick since im at work but I cant stop smiling at the fact that the people ive talked with are very supportive. Its pretty awesome
Glad to hear that you have found some people who are supportive. I have a couple of good friends who are very supportive as well. These true freiands are the sort of people you want around at times like these. :angel:
Omg update......UPDATE!
I wanted to share with you all what my wife had said to me. We've really not talked about this for a week almost and the tension was high. She had begun to ask questions here and there since yesterday but we kept it light.
Tonight while at work she sent me this:
QuoteSo I figured I would say this in a text because I just keep getting choked up on the phone and in person.... I love you more then anything in this world, you have helped me change so much and I would not be who I am without you today, I will stand by your side no matter what, thats why we got married. Because I have and will always have your back even if at first I dont always fully agree or understand. We got married for better or for worse and this isnt the worst so im not going anywhere. I hope that after whatever you choose you will not stop loving me and maybe we can have some sort of compromise in the future with all this because the thought of losing you or a divorce is killing me inside. I have been feeling the samr way I did when I lost you the first time and that was the worst feeling ever and I never want to feel like that again. And if our families never talk to us again then at least we have each other and thats just fine with me. I love you.
.... I .... no words.... happy... cant stop crying....
OMG, I'm crying now too...you are so lucky! Give that woman a big hug, forever!
That's excellent news! It sounds like you have a wonderful wife. I'm happy for you.
Thats great news. So happy for you. It gives me hope that my situation my change in the future too. :angel:
I love hearing this.
You marry the person inside, not the anatomy after all.
Your sex organ didn't arrange the marriage, the person did.
You made the contract with the person, not the outfit they were wearing.
I am glad to see you two essentially really need and want each other so completely.
That's how I see it with my wife. I didn't marry her for a visual, I married the person. And I promised her only death could ever take her from me.
Great News! I am very happy to hear everything is coming around for you. You really have found a special person to be so kind and accepting.
I'm glad to hear everything is going good for you. At first it's probably going to be a huge shock for your partner/spouse. It's a lot to digest and take in, but I'm glad to here your wife is opening up to you about it. It's good that she loves you so much, and that she doesn't plan to go anywhere because she doesn't wish to lose you.
This is excellent news! Keep smiling and keep on trucking, one day everything will be the way it should, and you can start your life anew.
Jerred
I haven't been around for awhile and this is the first I've read this post. It was like riding a roller coaster! I guess life in general is that way but you've gone through such emotional extremes in such a short time. I know because I went through some emotional highs and lows reading as you went from suicidal thoughts to relief to suicidal thoughts to elation. I hope your life can even out a little now and glad it ended so well for you.
Well the roller coaster seemed like it was going up and into the station...
UPDATE
Well... I told her about this forums site so she could maybe get some questions answered. Turns out (and I know she may read this) that message should have not been sent. She still doesnt know where she stands on all this.
I however am at a point of not caring what others think of me or who knows. So that being said the roller coaster seemed like it was about to spiral down but in a strange twist has just turned upside down. Im glad I was able to lay it all out on the table, shes just got to see whats there and decide on her comfort level.
Not really sure how im feeling... I was able to remain stoic and light hearted about it on the phone but now my emotions are rolling in and im not sure how ill be able to handle it. Another panic attack? Perhaps.
-Erin
Well, for me, that text you got would've given me a LOT of hope in my relationship with my wife/ex...I tried for a long time to keep some kind of relationship present, even just a minor friendship in spite of never having gotten any positive message from her.
If she had, I would never have tired of the one-sided "game" that I was putting myself through. She was my wife, my love...I took my marriage vows *very* seriously. I'd've given her more time, more encouragement, more anything if it helped her see that I am Beth now, not her husband...But alas, that was not to be in my situation. Time may heal all wounds...but it also kills love if there's no sustenance.
I hope everything works out for the best for you and her.
Erin, everyone is always saying it is so hard for us this way and that way and the other way.
It's not any easier on our spouses.
That is possibly an easy mistake, and a common one, to forget they won't have any easier a time. Different journey for them, but it won't be a quick or easy one in most cases.
My wife mentioned once, "I don't want to have lesbian sex". Understandable. I told her she had been having lesbian sex all along, we just never realized it. Thus, she needs to ask herself, were all of her orgasms ok? Did she like having sex with me? Because basically it's lesbian sex in my mind that I am having. The fact I don't need a strap on is just a detail. And considering most women likely have trouble reaching orgasm as a result of a male sex organ doing what it needs to do, it is likely with heir eyes closed, they would not be able to distinguish whether a male or a female hand made them orgasm. As plenty of women just need to be satisfied in some fashion not employing te male organ.
Once you take the whole sex needs to be accomplished by an anatomically proper male out of the picture, a spouse is just someone you need in your life more than life itself.
The label husband for instance, it's just a word. Plenty of days, my wife is more a cliche husband around here than me. I tend to be more a cliche housewife most days. Being called 'her husband' is just a nod to tradition.
I am inescapably the 'father' of her son. She will not see a day when she is not the mother in this family.
To me, she is my mate. I think mate tends to convey her importance much more accurately than any term human civilization has invented. I will be her mate regardless of what my hair look like, or what clothing I am wearing. I can change the name I respond to, but I can't change the reason she married me. I know the reason I married her has nothing to do with her sex organs. I married a person. An individual.
I don't expect my wife to be 'over this' any time soon. But then again, we both suffer from other personal demons not connected to my needing to be Lesley Roberta as well. I personally think her having diabetes is much more of a concern than whether I want to be a woman. I know my pain from not having a wood working shop bothers me a lot more than what's between my legs.
Ok so the roller coaster is going back up instead of spiraling down.
Ill update later when I get a chance, But I did want to inform everyone that I found out that HRT doesnt require a recommendation letter nor does it require any FT. So Ill be talking with a doctor sometime in the next week or so about starting my new life :D
Erin it does not, just informed consent so make sure you study up on the good and bad effects, and risks associated with HRT.
You'll want to be sure to find an informed-consent doctor. There may be the old gatekeeper types around, so don't let them discourage you.
Quote from: Erin S on April 17, 2013, 03:17:46 PM
Ok so the roller coaster is going back up instead of spiraling down.
Ill update later when I get a chance, But I did want to inform everyone that I found out that HRT doesnt require a recommendation letter nor does it require any FT. So Ill be talking with a doctor sometime in the next week or so about starting my new life :D
Congratulations!
Be true to yourself in all things.
I therapist is going to write a letter of recommendation to start HRT! I'm so excited!!!
Quote from: Erin S on April 25, 2013, 01:12:08 PM
I therapist is going to write a letter of recommendation to start HRT! I'm so excited!!!
Yay!
*hugs*
Quote from: Erin S on April 25, 2013, 01:12:08 PM
I therapist is going to write a letter of recommendation to start HRT! I'm so excited!!!
That is really awesome news Erin! I am glad to see things are looking up :)
Thank you all that have been listening to my crazy and for your kind words.
I do have news to report... I can start to see the path with a small glimmer of light at the end finally.
I spoke with a general physician today and after about 5 direct, no non sense questions. .. I am being referred to an endocrinologist about starting hrt on the first of july.
Gives me two months to find another job or settle into what maybe the most uncomfortable job experience ever.
Im so excited that ive thought about making a copy of the letter and framing it or something haha.
Anyway im still here and im not letting, or trying not to, anything get me down from now on. Im on the right track finally.
Congratulations.
The 2 months will feel like 2 years.
Congratulations Erin. In the future, I hope you will remember how quick things can turn around when things look down. It's really weird how life can be at times. One day everything is bleak and hopeless, when the next day is amazing and perfect. I imagine that's how transitioning is in general for most people. Just remember to always keep your head up and good things will come your way.
Yes im sure the next two months will feel like an eternity haha. Ugh I wanna start now! Patients is not my strong suit.
So I have 45 days remaining before I see my endo and ive had several new thoughts occur to me.
1- should I buy some clothes here and there or wait a few month's into transition to see my body shape?
2- my self image is better now that I've seen more youtube videos. I feel more confident that ill turn out just fine without surgery. (Self acceptance is huge)
3- im thinking of starting a youtube vlog sometime next month or start as of July 1st. Im not sure what I would talk about except an intro to me.
4- my wife seems to be taking things quiet well. The only hitch we've come across so far is the idea of kids... I dont want them.. she wants one. I feel if we have one now itll push my transition back.
Anyway thats sorta whats going on.
Condoms are a wonderful invention.
;)
Fwiw, your basic body shape won't change much. But, it won't hurt to explore thrift stores and figure out your femme size (they use a different, and apparently random, sizing system LOL)
Quote from: Erin S on May 17, 2013, 03:50:36 AM
So I have 45 days remaining before I see my endo and ive had several new thoughts occur to me.
1- should I buy some clothes here and there or wait a few month's into transition to see my body shape?
2- my self image is better now that I've seen more youtube videos. I feel more confident that ill turn out just fine without surgery. (Self acceptance is huge)
3- im thinking of starting a youtube vlog sometime next month or start as of July 1st. Im not sure what I would talk about except an intro to me.
4- my wife seems to be taking things quiet well. The only hitch we've come across so far is the idea of kids... I dont want them.. she wants one. I feel if we have one now itll push my transition back.
Anyway thats sorta whats going on.
You can start buying clothes now, but it might change you body shape to a degree in time. Hrt effects people differently and some may disagree with me on that point (and I'm not on it yet, so they may be more correct). Nonetheless, I would be somewhat frugal when shopping in case things do change. So, I would start going out and buying clothes, but I wouldn't buy a whole new wardrobe either.
Youtube has some awesome inspiration videos. I don't know where I'd be without it. If you are planning on making your own blog, remember that you will be outing yourself to the internet. That's not a big deal, but it makes stealth a more tricky thing if thats what you want.
You can still have kids and it wouldn't necessarily push back your transition- if you have the finances. However, you need to do what you both want. If she is concerned about having kids in the future, you can store sperm before you start. That way you will be able to have biological children when you want. Also, adoption is always a possibility.