I hated FD even before I transitioned, now every time I see an advertisement I groan.
While my family accepts me, I have yet to get flowers on Mother's day (or Father's day).
I realize my kids have one biological mother, but if they have to celebrate FD couldn't they just give me flowers, earrings, necklace, etc.
I have not gotten anything for FD in years. I don't expect anything for MD, but I would like at least a "Hi. How are you doing?"
My ex and I were out having dinner a couple weeks ago, and I mentioned I wouldn't be in town for FD, so she and the kids shouldn't plan anything for me for FD...she says, "Do we ever?"
This is so true. I guess people don't think about it or something?
I'm so sorry for everyone here. My parents are very special to me and I make sure to at least plan dinner or something. Even if we can't align our schedules, we will do something another day. To simply not do anything is a little cold.
Well, here is a pre-emptive happy parents day from your pal LTL :)
I don't think that I will hate Father's Day. My son is very special to me and I will always be his father but I would like something pretty instead of something practical. Even if as time goes on he just draws a picture for me to keep or calls to send me his love. Those would be great as time goes on.
I've spent most of my father's days alone anyway. My spouse always goes back east to spend time with her family from early June to early-to-mid July. My sons never remembered and now don't want to remember.
The sole exception has been my daughter, for whom I am truly thankful in so many ways.
My kids just called!!! I am very OFFENDED . . .
They're using Father's Day as an excuse to come home tomorrow because?????
LOL They don't wanna be around their real mother any longer in New York !!!
This thread has all the makings of a full-blown pity party...it's time to put on our Big Gurl panties, and take back FD, even if the family won't accept us.
Yes, it hurts...but I've spent too much of my life agonizing over how others have hurt me...I'm not going to do any more days like those! I will take myself out to dinner (or make something really really good at home--think "bacon"), start a new project (sewing or modeling), and ENJOY myself.
Too bad for them if they choose to stay away...but that is their loss, not mine.
Quote from: Beth Andrea on June 14, 2013, 04:43:32 PM
This thread has all the makings of a full-blown pity party...it's time to put on our Big Gurl panties, and take back FD, even if the family won't accept us.
Yes, it hurts...but I've spent too much of my life agonizing over how others have hurt me...I'm not going to do any more days like those! I will take myself out to dinner (or make something really really good at home--think "bacon"), start a new project (sewing or modeling), and ENJOY myself.
Too bad for them if they choose to stay away...but that is their loss, not mine.
Ooooo Bacon. (https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6999236352/h39A9336C/)
I think I am going to take my two daughters and wife out for Sunday brunch. One is just getting home today from college.
Not so much to celebrate, but really to try and reconnect. It has been a difficult last two years.
We all have our own personal feelings but fathers day has never made me feel weird of any sort.
I am a father to my daughter and that will never change no matter my appearance. I actually feel weird when my daughter says "your not my dad jokingly because your a girl now." I just want my daughter to always look at me at a parental figure I don't care what she calls me or what holiday I get Fathers day or Mothers day. In public she calls me by my real girl name not dad.
She has accepted me as a mother figure completely. I got a vase of flowers this year for mothers day from her mother and her. Even got a card! It was beautiful but I almost felt like it wasn't right. Guess its one of those things we adjust to?
<wiping the tears away>
You are very lucky to have such a wonderful kid. :'-)
If your kid(s) like you enough to call or give you anything other than a lump of coal then you are indeed blessed.
My son is two so Fathers Day hugs and a shared breakfast I believe in order for me. ;)
Quote from: Jamie D on June 14, 2013, 07:47:13 PM
<wiping the tears away>
You are very lucky to have such a wonderful kid. :'-)
She is a great kid! She makes me proud!
My wife said she's always conflicted about Father's Day, I just told her consider it one of the benefits, you don't have to do anything. I don't miss it, don't need it either. The hugs and kisses I get every morning and evening from my sons and the support from my wife is beyond enough.
For me Father's Day has been tough. And this going to be very hard on me to type out. So I ask you all to please hold off judging me until you fully read my post.
Back in the late 90's I was in a failing relationship of only 7 months. Well 4 months into it we found out that my girlfriend was pregnant. We were constantly at odds. And because of my disability I needed quite abit of help. So that along with the fighting made for a very bad environment to bring a new born child into. I could not physically take care of a new born and the baby's mom could not give me the help I needed. We broke up and I moved back home with my parents. I was shattered knowing that I would never know my child. The breakup was very ugly.
My daughter was born the day after my grandfather's birthday. I love her even though I never seen her. In my heart I wanted to fight for custody but knew I could not physically take care of my daughter. Plus a child needs their mom.
A month after her birth they moved to a different state. I knew of the move from a friend of the mom's. Anyway for my daughter's first christmas my parents and I had sent down a box of gifts that included hand knitted items that my mom made. In return I recieved a phone call asking "How the bleep did I get their address?" Well to answer that while we were together we went to her family reunion there and I remembered the town, street and name or her relatives. So I just looked them up on yahoo's old people search. That was the last phone conversation I had with her. I wanted my daughter to live in as stable environment as possible. And so I didn't want to get into any fights that would cause either of us to slander the other. So that was it or so I thought.
Move ahead to the time facebook became the popular social media site that it is today. I found both mother and daughter on it. (My daughter is now in her mid teens) I had sent the mom a message and we actually befriended each other. there was and still is a lot of animosity between us but we try to be civil to each other. Now back in February I came out as transgender on facebook. I had sent the mom a private note that said "Just in case that there is a chance that my daughter comes looking for me in her future there is something that I need her to know about me. Well much to my surprise I recieved a message from my daughter. For the first time in her life we were having a form of conversation. She is verry bitter and rightfully so that I was not in her life. But I told her that she is not the reason why. I did not go into details and did not put her mom down in any way. I let my daughter put all the blame on me for not being there. What else could I do?
So even though technically I am a father there is no way I am a Dad but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my daughter.
If there is anyone who finishes reading this long winded post, please pass me a tissue.
Fathers day is tough. I watch others getting recognition for mothers day, but have none.
I don't really want fathers day, and I think I can expect nothing which is fine but, it would just be good to not be removed from the whole parental recognition thing.
That's why I don't like fathers day. Its a reminder. It makes me feel second class.
x
I guess I started something I shouldn't have.
Father's Day in and of itself is "Fine". And most "fathers" appreciate it and enjoy having their own day.
Problem is, its me who doesn't want to celebrate fathers day, I know biologically I am a father. But mentally I am a woman (I know I am not their natural mother) and I would not want to take away from Mother's day and the rights of mothers to be honored by their children.
As I said, my family accepts me, but the only Cards that are out their are for Fathers and all the advertisements are for targeted gifts.
It just doesn't enter my kids minds to buy me flowers or jewelry which is what I would like.
Quote from: Bethany Dawn on June 15, 2013, 03:17:01 AM
For me Father's Day has been tough. And this going to be very hard on me to type out. So I ask you all to please hold off judging me until you fully read my post.
...
If there is anyone who finishes reading this long winded post, please pass me a tissue.
*hugs*
Quote from: Sarah Louise on June 15, 2013, 08:32:13 AM
I guess I started something I shouldn't have.
Father's Day in and of itself is "Fine". And most "fathers" appreciate it and enjoy having their own day.
Problem is, its me who doesn't want to celebrate fathers day, I know biologically I am a father. But mentally I am a woman (I know I am not their natural mother) and I would not want to take away from Mother's day and the rights of mothers to be honored by their children.
As I said, my family accepts me, but the only Cards that are out their are for Fathers and all the advertisements are for targeted gifts.
It just doesn't enter my kids minds to buy me flowers or jewelry which is what I would like.
Actually I like this thread, and what it represents--that we, and society, haven't quite figured out how to integrate us into their binary-gendered world.
There is a place for us at the dinner table, so to speak...I love the idea of handmade cards, but generally only young ones do that (although I did for the ex early in our marriage) It's something that we *all* need to discuss, not just online but also with loved ones.
Thank you for the thread, Sarah.
Sarah, This thread has been very therapeutic at least for me. We all have our different views on what Father's day means to us, and how we feel about it. Thank you for starting it.
From Beth Andrea
Quote*hugs*
Thank you I need hugs much more than tissues.
Bethany,
I can so relate to the relationship between you and your daughter. I have a similar situation with my two youngest sons. My ex disappear with them when they were very young and then lied to them about me. I am now trying to rebuild that relationship, without much success.
But we do have FB.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
Quote from: Ms. OBrien CVT on June 15, 2013, 10:05:59 AM
Bethany,
I can so relate to the relationship between you and your daughter. I have a similar situation with my two youngest sons. My ex disappear with them when they were very young and then lied to them about me. I am now trying to rebuild that relationship, without much success.
But we do have FB.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
I wish you well in rebuilding the relationships.
I'm sure that my daughter's mom did the same thing with telling her false truths about me.
*Hugs*
As much as I love my dad, if you ask me, the practice of Father's Day is just a continuous reminder in commercial form of all of the obnoxious male stereotypes that I hated in the first place. There's only so many commercials for grills, power tools, and techno gadgets that I can stand.
(And for anyone else who wants to have a nice laugh at the expense of gender stereotypes in commercials... http://tinyurl.com/mmnelp (http://tinyurl.com/mmnelp) )
Quote from: Carrie Liz on June 15, 2013, 12:25:32 PM
As much as I love my dad, if you ask me, the practice of Father's Day is just a continuous reminder in commercial form of all of the obnoxious male stereotypes that I hated in the first place. There's only so many commercials for grills, power tools, and techno gadgets that I can stand.
(And for anyone else who wants to have a nice laugh at the expense of gender stereotypes in commercials... http://tinyurl.com/mmnelp (http://tinyurl.com/mmnelp) )
While I agree with you re: obnoxious male stereotypes, there was a time (in the media as well as in real life) where men were seen as wise, strong, and desirable while women were seen as (or believed to be) ditzy (male form: doofus). The media has a HUGE role in how people see themselves and their place--and others--in the world.
Now having said that...many of the men I interacted with were not so much a doofus as just plain mean and not very communicative. They actually expected me to fill in the words for their actual grunts they would vocalize during heated discussions or berating.
I really don't understand the opposite gender at all. Although I tried to be a "good" man/husband/father...obviously it didn't work.
I don't know how I'm going to deal with Father's Day post-transition. I guess it's like someone else on this thread already said-- I will always be the person who fathered my daughter, regardless of what came later. I guess the best outcome would be a father's day card that said "I love you Mom!"
My children never wished me a happy Mother's day and I was ok with that....I never have tried to be their mother...I just appear to be for most people.
I figured they would at least call me and tell me happy Fathers day....my youngest did!! but my other two didn't.....I guess I'm not either parent to them anymore :'( I have told them I will always be their father...that will never change. Its just the fact I don't appear as one anymore. Oh well......
Why not erase FD and establish a TS parent day?
That would be the least painful thing for all involved and besides that the full truth.
BTW: you wouldn't have been too happy if your children forgot about FD prior to transition eh?
Quote from: Dahlia on June 17, 2013, 06:48:45 AM
Why not erase FD and establish a TS parent day?
That would be the least painful thing for all involved and besides that the full truth.
BTW: you wouldn't have been too happy if your children forgot about FD prior to transition eh?
I did, yesterday in fact: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,142680.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,142680.0.html)
Quote from: Dahlia on June 17, 2013, 06:48:45 AM
Why not erase FD and establish a TS parent day?
First Sunday in November!
http://www.transparentday.org/ (http://www.transparentday.org/)
Quote from: suzifrommd on June 18, 2013, 09:44:13 AM
First Sunday in November!
http://www.transparentday.org/ (http://www.transparentday.org/)
I'm a day late and a dime short again!
For me, father's day was a big disappointment. Nothing from either of my teenage kids (unless you count a handwritten letter by my daughter, unhappy that I picked this time of year to go full time).
I feel like I give a lot (by financially supporting everyone, if nothing else). I don't expect to be taken out to dinner like my wife did on MD, but some token of appreciation would have helped in a difficult time.
Dear Parent of the Heart and Soul:
"Love is the only freedom in the world because it so elevates the spirit that the laws of humanity and the phenomena of nature do not alter its course." Kahlil Gibran
You personify a love that overcomes all obstacles, biases, and inequities.
We enter the season that honors the two aspects of your parenting and the love that you bestow to the world. That love becomes realized when you give yourself to your children.
You are mothering, in the traditionally understood sense, when you nourish, nurture, and shower affection. You sow the seeds of confidence, vision, and creativity.
You are fathering, in the traditionally understood sense, when you protect, guide with principle, instill values, and inspire. You sow the seeds of morality, leadership, and personal power.
In the real sense you are mother and father integrated into a seamless parenting whole.
During two days in the current months, we honor you, not as the perfect parent, since that entity is truly a myth, but as one who still wants to attain that status no matter how unrealistic it is. We honor you for the days when doing your best, with all good intentions, has to be the way it is.
You are magnificent. You are doing the most important work for which humanity can ask. You hold in your hands our future, and you deserve nothing less than dignity and respect at your back.
To quote the song, you are "the wind beneath the wings" of life. We thank you. Happy Mother's Day. Happy Father's Day. Happy You Day.
From http://evolequals.com/2013/06/08/my-fathers-day-card-to-lesbian-moms-and-all-other-single-or-lgbt-parents/ (http://evolequals.com/2013/06/08/my-fathers-day-card-to-lesbian-moms-and-all-other-single-or-lgbt-parents/). I know the site says "My Father's Day Card to Lesbians" but I think this card works just as well for Trans women too. It's what I gave to my wife for Father's Day, and what I wish for all of you. <3
Well that day has come and gone. Basically uneventful, I did receive cards and phone calls. My kids did their duty, the day went as expected.
(It has been and it was a kick in the heart).
I want to point out that I completely don't understand the statement: "I would not want to take away from Mother's day and the rights of mothers to be honored by their children".
Lesbian parents both call themselves mum, that doesn't mean they have *anything* taken away from them. It is gender based name for a parent. If there is more than one it does not devalue the other. That doesn't mean I think everyone should use the word Mum/Mom to describe themselves, but I certainly don't think there is anything bad in it if they do.
Quote from: Steph21 ♡♡♡ on June 18, 2013, 12:53:13 PM
I want to point out that I completely don't understand the statement: "I would not want to take away from Mother's day and the rights of mothers to be honored by their children".
Lesbian parents both call themselves mum, that doesn't mean they have *anything* taken away from them. It is gender based name for a parent. If there is more than one it does not devalue the other. That doesn't mean I think everyone should use the word Mum/Mom to describe themselves, but I certainly don't think there is anything bad in it if they do.
I agree, as a mother myself, I would have no problem "sharing" Mother's Day with my wife if she so wished. I really don't think gender should matter on either day for you to be celebrated, just like you don't have to be a biological mother or father to be celebrated on MD or FD. Both days should really just be a celebration of good parenting, no matter who you are!
Quote from: cannedrabbit on June 18, 2013, 01:36:11 PM
I agree, as a mother myself, I would have no problem "sharing" Mother's Day with my wife if she so wished. I really don't think gender should matter on either day for you to be celebrated, just like you don't have to be a biological mother or father to be celebrated on MD or FD. Both days should really just be a celebration of good parenting, no matter who you are!
Bravo!! *
clapping*
:)
And, ideally, it should be the kids who celebrate the parents. My kids, until about 3 years ago, would often say how good we were compared to their peers...we rarely drank, didn't do drugs, didn't beat them up, etc. (They saw all this at their friends' houses). Three years ago we started having "The Perfect Storm" of family crises, and even though we (my ex and I) got us all through it...something had changed in all of us.
I can't help but think we failed them somewhere...so I can't feel bad that they don't remember me on the day to honor dads. (My birthday is coming up in a couple weeks...I'm gonna be quiet about it, and see who chooses to mention it. My guess is, no one.)
Quote from: Beth Andrea on June 18, 2013, 09:24:26 PM
And, ideally, it should be the kids who celebrate the parents. My kids, until about 3 years ago, would often say how good we were compared to their peers...we rarely drank, didn't do drugs, didn't beat them up, etc. (They saw all this at their friends' houses). Three years ago we started having "The Perfect Storm" of family crises, and even though we (my ex and I) got us all through it...something had changed in all of us.
I can't help but think we failed them somewhere...so I can't feel bad that they don't remember me on the day to honor dads. (My birthday is coming up in a couple weeks...I'm gonna be quiet about it, and see who chooses to mention it. My guess is, no one.)
Aw, don't be so hard on yourself. I heard once (I don't remember where) that the only way to truly fail your children is to disown them. Things would have eventually changed anyway... such is the nature of life. How old are your kids? Teens I'm guessing? I remember when I was a teen everything always seemed so much more world-shattering. In time everything will calm down, and everyone will adjust to a new sense of normalcy. I mean, look at it this way. Isn't it better for them to see you being happy and true to yourself? I think that's an incredibly important lesson for you to be teaching them. And while I'm at it, happy early birthday! Are you a July baby? My birthday is July 5th. ^_^