Hi everybody.
It's taken a while but I've come out to my partner, made an appointment for therapy and begun living part time as a woman. My partner has been really understanding, and the time that I can spend at home as myself gives me so much peace of mind. Next we're planning a few trips away where I can spend a few days or weeks fully as Joan.
I plan to start HRT as soon as I can referred, but for a smooth transition I plan to work in male mode for at least another three years. This will give me the financial base we need for future. I realise that there will be physical changes, but i don't intend to let what other people think bother me.
The problem is that having moved a long way toward self-acceptance I'm now finding it harder and harder interacting with people as a guy and I don't suppose hormones are going to make that any easier.
So how long did you spend on your transition? Is such a long term dual role life possible?
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.
Life is transition. Dual roles though is extremely difficult and makes the living a lie part so much more evident. I think you will find 3 years to be too long.
Yes, three years could be stretching it a bit. Especially if you get significant development in the breast department. Some people find swapping between gender roles to be a bit depressing too, especially when they have to present as a gender they don't want to be after spending a weekend as the gender they want to be. Take it slowly at first and see how you feel as things progress.
I had already lost my family and church and had to find a home of my own before I even made the decision that I would transition.
Jan 2011 - Joined an LGBT friendly church.
May 2011 - Moved into my own flat and soon started appearing as female to the neighbours.
Aug 2011 - Transitioned at the new church.
Oct 2011 - Transitioned at word. Full Time and never looked back.
Dec 2012 - Lost my job. Probably not because of transition.
I make that five months from living part time to full time. I had been on hormones for some time before I started the process.
I couldn't stand more than a few months of living a double life, half the people knowing me as Suzi and the other half knowing me as that old name. I dressed for the first time Aug. '12, and went full time June '13
I've barely just started... but family always thinks we're moving more quickly than we are.
I came out to my wife in early August. I will start AA's in late December... that's 5 months, and just the AA's. I'm planning to start E in May, 5 months after starting AA's and 10 months after coming out.
I'd love to go FT in the summer, but I doubt I could before winter / spring. That's at least a full year to year and a half after coming out.
...and mentally I'm ready to tell everyone NOW!
Thank you all for your thoughts. It's so good to have the input of people who are already some way down the same road.
Losing so much must have been hard Mary. I eventually accepted that I would lose my partner before I came out to her, and the thought of that held me back for so long.
And yes, LordKat, Grace, I'm already suffering that wrench every morning as I get ready to leave the house to go off to work. I'm worried about the strain of that long term.
I went into slow meltdown for 8 months after something triggered the latest, and this time unavoidably intense bout of dysphoria before I came out to my partner. She has been so amazing, taking it for the most part in her stride, and helping me with so many things over the last month. It's also made us even closer than we were before.
During the 8 months I'd planned how I would do my transition, when I would eventually go full time, have surgery, how much money I would need for everything.
I'd also planned for a good while on hormones to make the final full time transition smoother. I had read many people say that HRT would not be that apparent for quite a while if I didn't draw attention to it.
The thing is it's like I've cracked open a door and now everything is pouring through and I'm in danger of getting swept away :o
I really can't wait to start therapy. I hope she's good ;D
Suzi, I guess that once you get a first taste of what life can truly be like then that's where you want to be.
And Tarah, I see that you have a plan in place too ^-^ I'm kind of ready to go too, but if I can I think it would be so much better to have money in the bank to smooth the rocky path.
I guess there's a limit to how long you can keep it up though.
I am just planning to proceed with my transition on a day-by-day basis, taking slow steps, adjusting to how people will react and pushing here and there a bit. I had pleasure to speak recently with a gender expert from a European country with probably the best TG treatment system ever. Being TG himself (he is FtM), he finally asked me this question - what are my plans and schedule. I told him that I dont really know but I am not expecting to have SRS in the next five years (I need get my finances together and I cant change my papers before SRS), so I will have to adjust my life to this. He told me, that he is not sure I would be able to manage this for five years, jumping there and back again, switching between genders - he has seen such examples and that can be quite hard - at least mentally and emotionally. I fully agreed, but there are things which are outside of our control and there are too many unknown and unpredictable variables which could affect us and force to change our plans and schedules. But one thing for sure – I already have difficulties when socialising – especially with guys, and if must present in the male mode and I know I will be observed, I need to watch myself closely – posture, gestures, gait, because things tend to slip from time to time.
Hi Emily
Thanks for sharing that. I guess he ha seen a lot of people try to switch roles without continued success.
I know exactly what you mean about socialising as a guy. Last night I was out with some friends and even being with people that I know quite well who I won't be out to for a good while yet was a strain at times.
I found that the more attainable full transition seemed, the harder it was to live in limbo. I couldn't bear presenting male by about 3 months in, although I kept it up for another few months.
Also, HRT forced me to come out at work after four months of taking it... I didn't particularly mind at that point, obviously, but you might find passing as male for three entire years to be difficult.
Quote from: Joan on November 23, 2013, 08:17:31 AM
Hi Emily
Thanks for sharing that. I guess he ha seen a lot of people try to switch roles without continued success.
I know exactly what you mean about socialising as a guy. Last night I was out with some friends and even being with people that I know quite well who I won't be out to for a good while yet was a strain at times.
This and also being in the company with guys will start getting a bit... irritable? I cant really describe this feeling, but whenever I find myself in pure male company - which does not happen that often - I have this nagging feeling of not belonging there - like I am some kind of observer or "alien" :). This is what happened last time - one of them dropped a line about "having to get home timely to watch the game", other nodded enthusiastically and I dropped innocently: "Oh, I had no idea that there is a game today..." and they were like - "Errr, what?"
And by the way, have You considered extensive andro mode instead of going from male to female? I am sure You did...
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on November 23, 2013, 07:51:26 AM
I am just planning to proceed with my transition on a day-by-day basis, taking slow steps, adjusting to how people will react and pushing here and there a bit. I had pleasure to speak recently with a gender expert from a European country with probably the best TG treatment system ever. Being TG himself (he is FtM), he finally asked me this question - what are my plans and schedule. I told him that I dont really know but I am not expecting to have SRS in the next five years (I need get my finances together and I cant change my papers before SRS), so I will have to adjust my life to this. He told me, that he is not sure I would be able to manage this for five years, jumping there and back again, switching between genders - he has seen such examples and that can be quite hard - at least mentally and emotionally. I fully agreed, but there are things which are outside of our control and there are too many unknown and unpredictable variables which could affect us and force to change our plans and schedules. But one thing for sure – I already have difficulties when socialising – especially with guys, and if must present in the male mode and I know I will be observed, I need to watch myself closely – posture, gestures, gait, because things tend to slip from time to time.
This. It does get very very hard to maintain the double life, and it does get hard to pretend to other people while in male mode, when all you want to do is set yourself free.
Quote from: Bardoux on November 23, 2013, 08:39:44 AM
This. It does get very very hard to maintain the double life, and it does get hard to pretend to other people while in male mode, when all you want to do is set yourself free.
If I'm not strong... this is what will put me "out" before I even start E... ;) I can't see living half way for that long :(
When I dress in male mode to go to work I often check myself in the mirror and smile and say "nice disguise today!" Sounds a bit nuts perhaps, but it can help me get through some days!
As many others here already know, I am a long term transitioner. I started HRT in Sept 2008 and, after about two years stop-go, I have continued uninterrupted since Sept 2010. I also did a very complete FFS in two steps, upper face in 2011 and lower face in 2012 plus facial hair removal and hair transplants.
Today, I am out to everyone who counts in my life, including my boss and all of my peers in the management team of the company I work for,live 100% as a woman in my private life yet to continue to have to present as a guy at work until my civil identity change comes through, a very drawn out process here in France. Hopefully it will come through next spring at the latest and if it doesn't (result depends very much on the judge), I could be stuck in limbo for a long time to come as my employer won't let me transition on the job unless my civil identity is aligned with my gender identity.
Is it fun, no, but I really have no other choice and that helps focus the mind. Interestingly, in spite of the fact that I am very much in male fail mode with third parties and while my appearance (including long hair worn in a ponytail) is very, very unusual for either a guy or a senior manager in a fairly large company, my experience to date suggests that no one at work has guessed at the reality behind what they see before I have told them. However, when I have told them, many have said that they had already picked up on the fact that personality wise my behaviours and attitudes were noticeably feminine.
Like others have mentioned, having to present as a guy on Monday mornings after a weekend living as a woman or coming back from a two week vacation, as happened recently, is momentarily depressing but I am so busy at work that I really don't have time to dwell on it.
Also, I push dress codes to the limits, mostly wearing andryogenous female clothes, pullovers, blouses, pants & shoes, plus everthing underneath. Most of all, as I now unambiguously see the woman myself and since I don't attempt to behave in any manner that is not me, no matter how I have to present for now , deep down inside me I know that it is only a question of time.
That being said, when that day finally comes I will definitely be throwing a party as it has been a very, very long road with many ups and downs which I probably would not have been able to handle as I did without the most extraordinary support of my dearly loved wife. I owe her so much for being always there with me, always steadfast and solid as a rock. Having such a person beside you makes a huge difference under any circomstances and even more so during a long transition.
Hope this provides another perspective compared to some of the other posts.
Hugs
Donna
P.S. I should probably also mention that I did not come out to anyone other than my wife before doing my first FFS surgery in 2011, only my children immediately after this and most other people only after my second surgery in 2012. I think that without this precaution I could never have done as I did as coming out creates expectations that you then have to live with.
My slow approach also certainly contributed to insuring that I have been able to preserve almost all of the important relationships in my life: wife, kids (from a first mariage), my siblings (apart from one) and my friends.
That is a different perspective. I didn't realise it was that bad in France.
It was great to read all of your thoughts and get some new perspectives on long term transitions.
Donna especially, your transition is kind of what I hoped would be possible for me. I don't intend to hide my real self away from now on, but I also don't intend to advertise it either. People can take me as they find me.
I think my job is also fairly secure. I just don't think, for various reasons, that it would be possible to continue with it after I'm finally in a position to go full time.
I want to be responsible about our future while working toward becoming my true self.
Having gone out at the weekend for the first time wearing a skirt this weekend my confidence is growing, but Monday was quite a wrench again :D
Hi Joan,
Very glad to learn that you found my input helpful! Also, I have just received news that my long term transition is finally coming to end.
The Administrative Court that is handling my Civil Identity Change filing has the accepted the principle and while the procedure won't be completely wrapped up before next February-March, it looks like my days having to continue presenting as a guy are counted.
I have just shed quite a few tears because it really has been a very, very long and bumpy road but these were and are tears of relief and joy.
Wishing you all the very best on your own journey!
Donna
Oh Donna, that is such great news! Not too long until it's finally over, and that's going to be such a relief. I'm expecting problems and setbacks along the way too, but I hope I can make as successful a transition as you have :)
Quote from: LordKAT on November 23, 2013, 02:40:57 AM
Life is transition. Dual roles though is extremely difficult and makes the living a lie part so much more evident. I think you will find 3 years to be too long.
My own personal experience says that three years is way too long. Especially if you know the end goal is a full transition. I was not planning on that, actually could not, never the less I was living part time for a couple of years. It does have an extreme emotional toll. Especially come Sunday night when you have to take off the nail polish. For me that is so symbolic of the lack of permanence.
Others in my support who have done the part-time thing only did so for a few months to a year. The need to do full time was driven and feed by the strain of continuing doing part time. Only in one case that I know of she went full-time after we all basically told her she wasn't fooling anyone but herself that she still can pass as a guy.
Quote from: JoanneB on November 27, 2013, 05:45:57 AM
My own personal experience says that three years is way too long. Especially if you know the end goal is a full transition. I was not planning on that, actually could not, never the less I was living part time for a couple of years. It does have an extreme emotional toll. Especially come Sunday night when you have to take off the nail polish. For me that is so symbolic of the lack of permanence.
Others in my support who have done the part-time thing only did so for a few months to a year. The need to do full time was driven and feed by the strain of continuing doing part time. Only in one case that I know of she went full-time after we all basically told her she wasn't fooling anyone but herself that she still can pass as a guy.
♥ I'm very, very early on and already feeling this strain!! I expect to be FT within a year and a half of coming OOTC.
On the other hand, for those with
great need to delay... I delayed transition for 20 years by going closeted. I've heard of many who delay it without going closeted (though I'd admit it's difficult to comprehend how). I think need to delay can help you delay. Need to slow down can help you to slow down... but there needs to be actual need, not someone's external desire... not your own personal desire (for example, to stop or slow down "for the family" -- which is still external no matter how hard you want to protect them).
True need might be financial, or imposed (if you're not of age, or if health care or law stops or slows your transition). These situations are difficult and I truly feel for people with these problems (some of them are my biggest personal fears about my own transition -- one never knows when one will be roadblocked).
I guess it depends, but I am questioned almost daily on why I look different. I keep saying that I shaved my beard and growing my hair out, wouldn't you expect a difference in my appearance. I have only been on HRT for a little over three months and the changes are happening quicker than I expected, it is noticable and this has been only 3 months not 3 years.
Quote from: Allie on November 27, 2013, 06:43:40 AM
I guess it depends, but I am questioned almost daily on why I look different. I keep saying that I shaved my beard and growing my hair out, wouldn't you expect a difference in my appearance. I have only been on HRT for a little over three months and the changes are happening quicker than I expected, it is noticable and this has been only 3 months not 3 years.
I usually tell them that I am diet-ing and thus loosing weight - it usually satisfies idle curiosity, but sometimes people take one step further and assume that some sort of terminal illness is also taking place... ???
LOL... Too funny
Emily I have lost about 20 lbs and have been asked if I have been checked lately by a doctor. Little do they know I have had my blood tested more in the last 4 months then my whole life.
I use the mid-life crisis thing ;)
Quote from: Allie on November 27, 2013, 06:43:40 AM
I guess it depends, but I am questioned almost daily on why I look different. I keep saying that I shaved my beard and growing my hair out, wouldn't you expect a difference in my appearance. I have only been on HRT for a little over three months and the changes are happening quicker than I expected, it is noticable and this has been only 3 months not 3 years.
I've already shaved my beard off and lost 25lbs so I'm fielding the same questions right now before I even start HRT :o
Since I started this topic and read all all your experiences and thoughts, it's made me realise how much more I need to think about what to do. It's all so confusing working out what I should do for myself, for my partner, for my children,and my family.
I'm trying not to let it get me down, sometimes with success.
Quote from: Joan on November 27, 2013, 07:13:29 AM
I've already shaved my beard off and lost 25lbs so I'm fielding the same questions right now before I even start HRT :o
Since I started this topic and read all all your experiences and thoughts, it's made me realise how much more I need to think about what to do. It's all so confusing working out what I should do for myself, for my partner, for my children,and my family.
I'm trying not to let it get me down, sometimes with success.
If You want to hear my experience - most often it just goes down on You in its entirety, so I just took that as granted. Like, days will come when I will feel like sh..t despite all my efforts, but I am going to live through this day by day, despite everything - or just die trying :P.
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on November 27, 2013, 07:35:13 AM
I am going to live through this day by day, despite everything - or just die trying :P.
That is exactly where I am too
The decision has been made and there's no going back
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on November 27, 2013, 07:35:13 AM
Like, days will come when I will feel like sh..t despite all my efforts, but I am going to live through this day by day, despite everything - or just die trying :P.
That sounds like another quote to live by!
Here's looking forward to the weekend - we're going out to dinner for the first time :D
Quote from: Joan on November 27, 2013, 04:05:01 PM
That sounds like another quote to live by!
Here's looking forward to the weekend - we're going out to dinner for the first time :D
Glad that You liked :). I hope that did sound sincere enough, as it pretty much describes my feelings then and at this moment :). I am frustrated, confused and scared, but if life kicks me way too much, I just start kicking back ;).
Quote from: Joan on November 26, 2013, 04:50:49 AM
I don't intend to hide my real self away from now on, but I also don't intend to advertise it either. People can take me as they find me.
That is SO much my plan and how I've been handling things so far :) It's actually kind of interesting to me, watching passively as the guys at work know something's up and being unable to figure it out. Almost like they are trying to reconcile the changes they see with the person they know. A psychology experiment in reverse :D
Quote from: Sharon Lynn on November 28, 2013, 10:01:36 AM
That is SO much my plan and how I've been handling things so far :) It's actually kind of interesting to me, watching passively as the guys at work know something's up and being unable to figure it out. Almost like they are trying to reconcile the changes they see with the person they know. A psychology experiment in reverse :D
So much of this!! :D It's fun in a way... unnerving in others... and I'm really not trying to hide myself anymore (other than with clothing...).
People have noticed my weight loss, my laser scarred face, my long hair, and my skinny jeans ;). They may have noticed my lack of body hair, dysphoria (probably seen as depression), and previously hidden personality... but they haven't commented on any of those yet.
I just don't care what people think as long as I have the chance to be myself.
My plan is to flip the switch sometime before next summer but I'm not sure that I'll be able to hold out that long. I'm positive that the people at work have noticed changes; people there just seem to "know" something and the women chat me up all of the time now. Today I'm traveling and I'm wearing a baseball cap and I usually get a few odd looks since it hides my boy hair and brings out my face shape. Today I've gotten TONS of stares. The HRT is definitely moving me right along, and I may have to think about flipping that switch sooner rather than later.
For a long term transition I think it depends on how fast the physical and mental changes happen.
Quote from: Eva Marie on November 28, 2013, 11:42:23 AM
Today I'm traveling and I'm wearing a baseball cap and I usually get a few odd looks since it hides my boy hair and brings out my face shape. Today I've gotten TONS of stares. The HRT is definitely moving me right along, and I may have to think about flipping that switch sooner rather than later.
Same here! I have one winter hat which kinda brings out the best of my features and I do get stares for some reason. I mostly just ignore them as I get them from passers-by, but when in public transportation, I usually just turn on music player and stare out of the window - or into a book :). I am still dying to know what do those watchers think... :)
I'm a tortoise. Came out to my partner as gender non-conforming in 2002 and came out to myself and her about my trans identity about 2 years ago. I started therapy then, got my letter last month but had been on "stuff" with notable physical changes in 6 months, now on spiro and my doc said to keep taking my other supps. My therapist and MD both are supportive of a very slow transition. We'll add E later but next spring i'll have to bind anyway. I'll make it another 2 yrs easy. That makes 4 years at a minimum. Reason? Financial independence at 45 is a possibility so I'm in a position where I have great incentive to wait/progress slowly. Each way has challenges, I'm embracing mine with ownership, resolve and acceptance. I own my transition and that makes all the difference.
Hmm...let's see...prior to moving out, I still used my male name, and dressed pretty androgynous...when I moved out from the ex's (15 May 2012), I started wearing women's clothes FT, and introduced myself as "Beth" to my fellow apartment-dwellers...a week later I came out at work (got a new name tag and converted as much of the paperwork as I could)...and 12 June 2012 I changed my name legally; driver's license and Soc Sec card etc.
So about a month? I couldn't imagine living part-time for much longer.
What's stopping you?
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on November 28, 2013, 12:30:33 PM
I am still dying to know what do those watchers think... :)
I am curious that once you come out, you get the "I knew all the time"
But it would be interesting to know what people are thinking, especially when I don't think anyone I know has dealt with someone transitioning.
Quote from: Allie on November 30, 2013, 06:48:07 AM
I am curious that once you come out, you get the "I knew all the time"
But it would be interesting to know what people are thinking, especially when I don't think anyone I know has dealt with someone transitioning.
i actually seriously doubt that, because here the awareness of TG issues is close to zero and most probably thinking that someone might be undergoing transition would be the very last thought to occur. At least to those I am daily interacting with. As for strangers - unless they take me for androgynous girl, they probably think - Jeez what a ->-bleeped-<-, wtf is "it", how disgusting etc etc etc :D But I have picked up some additional stares when just entering the bus, taking a seat, exchanging glances and then my phone starts to ring and I respond in my usual voice - and then like peeps give me another slightly longer stare...
And speaking about long term transition - if that kind of attention starts to become annoying - I can always just make a mess outta hair, put on a bomber jacket and nobody gives a second glance then ;). Flipping between genders, yay!
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on November 30, 2013, 06:55:12 AM
Flipping between genders, yay!
Shopping and trying on clothes in the womans section is easier when I look andro.
Maybe it's in my head but I seems to be way more natural for me and some of the sales people.
Quote from: Allie on November 30, 2013, 07:07:53 AM
Shopping and trying on clothes in the womans section is easier when I look andro.
Maybe it's in my head but I seems to be way more natural for me and some of the sales people.
Oh, absolutely! :)
Quote from: Allie on November 30, 2013, 06:48:07 AM
I am curious that once you come out, you get the "I knew all the time"
But it would be interesting to know what people are thinking, especially when I don't think anyone I know has dealt with someone transitioning.
I only got this from one guy... he thought it was gay and girly... but whatever. Some people, like him, look at the sorts of activities I was interested in and figured they were pretty girly. Ok, they
were pretty girly... but in terms of activities it's almost OK to do non-traditionally gender oriented stuff.
I think most people, when you finally come out, have been thinking something's up for so long that they believe they always thought something was up... when really it's only been for a year or so. That's probably how it will be at work -- if I can last that long without someone
asking me why I'm acting so girly lately ;). I'm still paranoid they're figuring it out (though I know it's incredibly unlikely... it *is* possible with this big internet thing).
Quote from: kabit on November 30, 2013, 09:44:27 AM
I'm still paranoid they're figuring it out (though I know it's incredibly unlikely... it *is* possible with this big internet thing).
I am so happy to hear that the fears I have been going through are justified, maybe that's not the right wording but knowing some of the details of my fears I am able to read it from others. ;)
Quote from: Allie on November 30, 2013, 02:10:40 PM
I am so happy to hear that the fears I have been going through are justified, maybe that's not the right wording but knowing some of the details of my fears I am able to read it from others. ;)
I don't know about justified... but normal... the paranoia seems to be pretty common! I
know some people know something's up. I also know a lot of people are pretty clueless. There are just some things that give it away... one example: the people who work close to me don't come look at my computer anymore. They know something's going on behind the scenes and are giving me some space -- which is good, I guess. They're respectful.
Quote from: Allie on November 30, 2013, 06:48:07 AMI am curious that once you come out, you get the "I knew all the time"
I grew up in the 1950s and 1960s and was never really "in" to come "out". Pretty much everybody knew there was something different about me but (I thought) in those days nobody knew exactly what it was. I disappeared from my little home town in 1974 with transition and SRS as soon as surgery became a possibility. According to my sister who remained at home, the most common reaction when people heard what became of me was "It's about time she figured it out!" ::) :embarrassed:
Just wanted to say thank you to people who answered and asked me questions.
Quote from: Beth Andrea on November 28, 2013, 12:59:13 PM
Hmm...let's see...prior to moving out, I still used my male name, and dressed pretty androgynous...when I moved out from the ex's (15 May 2012), I started wearing women's clothes FT, and introduced myself as "Beth" to my fellow apartment-dwellers...a week later I came out at work (got a new name tag and converted as much of the paperwork as I could)...and 12 June 2012 I changed my name legally; driver's license and Soc Sec card etc.
So about a month? I couldn't imagine living part-time for much longer.
What's stopping you?
There are quite a few things. One thing is my children getting past that 'difficult stage" to give them a better chance of being able to work it through, and of course my financial responsibilities to them being done. Another is my own financial situation which can be in pretty good shape if I can just manage a little longer.
Quote from: ashley_thomas on November 28, 2013, 12:51:24 PM
...That makes 4 years at a minimum. Reason? Financial independence at 45 is a possibility so I'm in a position where I have great incentive to wait/progress slowly. Each way has challenges, I'm embracing mine with ownership, resolve and acceptance. I own my transition and that makes all the difference.
↑ This so much! This is what I want it to be. I just hope I can hang in there. Counseling starts on Tuesday :)
Regarding coming out and people's reactions. I've only come out to my partner so far, and her initial reaction was "I never guessed", and then there were about a hundred "Hang on, that time you..." kind of conversations. I think we can't avoid dropping our transsexualism out in small bits and pieces, and people kind of pick them up and then throw them aside as junk. It's impossible to hide your true nature, but people are just too busy with so much other stuff to necessarily pick up on it.
As an aside, I had a weird dream last night that I came out to my eldest brother, only my other brother had already come out, and every one was suspicious that I was just copying him. "It must be genetic", I kept saying. My brother is not TS :laugh:
I dunno about long term, for me it was do or die. I tried to violently end my life 3 times in 1 year. knew if it didnt happen I would die, and jumped into the transition ocean blindly. I went to my required 3 months of therapy got my hormones, and went full time as Teela after being on HRT for a year. If your having a hard time interacting as a male now, the hormones will make it a nightmare, at least it did for me. Once I looked female, presenting male was even more painful then before HRT. Cause it was like being hungry and someone raving food infront of ya. anything is possiable tho, a long term transition is possiable, ya just gotta have the will to do it.
Three years seems too long to me. I think you'd have trouble putting up with it.
I haven't even started HRT yet but I feel like I'm lying if I introduce myself with my birth name...
Thanks for posting about your experiences. I appreciate it very much :)
It's been a few weeks I guess since I posted this and we've been going out at the weekends, this weekend for the first time in daylight, which was nowhere near as bad as I had feared it would be.
I find that I swing between a positive I-will-succeed attitude to the mountain I've got to climb, and a paling before the sheer enormity of what I have to get over.
My success in dealing with people follows how I feel about transition.
TBH today I'm feeling way down on the down side :(
But I do have my first endo consult on Saturday so thinking about that gives me a lift :D
I intend to try and stick it out as long as I can.
I'm stuck in the long term transition plan as my family and work place aren't as apt to catch up as quickly as my friends and I just can't jeopardize my son in the process. I've already lost my wife to a separation and upcoming divorce.
I guess since I have accepted that my transition will likely take several years that things have gotten easier for me for now. I go to work and run the same old script as always with the way that I interact with people. When I hangout with my friends, who accept me, we just talk about the game or play cards, etc and really that wouldn't be that different for me after transition. What I find is difficult is being able to grow as a woman. I pretty much only get that here where I can be a girl and not be just one of the guys. This is the only place I can compliment someone's shoes or hair and talk about how jealous I am of it as a compliment and not feel that I need to express it in a "I'm confident in my man hood way."
People are still taking notice of the changes in my body and face but they just assume that I am losing weight and want to look younger. I guess after a decade with a beard & short hair it's difficult to see me with anything different and that's just what men do in America. As we age our style pretty sets in and our hair just gets shorter and shorter until it falls out or greys out. Sad really that socially as a man you can't change your image without getting picked on by others.
Back on topic though for now I feel fine living the double life. However I've only just begun at 3 months of HRT. I expect as the changes roll on faster and I pass more milestones that I will become more and more anxious to become a full time woman who is comfortable enough with her own body.
From the day I started hormones to the day I had SRS it was one year and a month. I never went to therapists (till two days before srs). I didn't waste time. Come to think of it my fist batch of hormones didnt come the standard way. Ha.
Simply put I just refused to delay the inevitable. Now if someone else wants to drag it out over years more power to them but then if your going to run a marathon you might as well pay attention to the clock while your doing it.
Katie
Quote from: Katie on December 18, 2013, 07:37:13 PM
From the day I started hormones to the day I had SRS it was one year and a month. I never went to therapists (till two days before srs). I didn't waste time. Come to think of it my fist batch of hormones didnt come the standard way. Ha.
Simply put I just refused to delay the inevitable. Now if someone else wants to drag it out over years more power to them but then if your going to run a marathon you might as well pay attention to the clock while your doing it.
Katie
That's very, very fast. My therapist says I'm moving quickly... but a large part of that is due to my lack of other psyche problems. Not everyone is capable of moving that quickly. Interestingly, he's also said the last three trans people he's talked to have been very lucky in their transition (with family, work, etc)... and I'm the third. :D
That's not to say I don't have problems, but I thank god for my luck, daily. I also think you make (some of) your own luck.
Sadly, yes. Some of us have no choice but to draw things out. I'm embarking on a transition that has no end.
I started in 2009 but stopped four months into HRT because my marriage was really struggling. I'm starting HRT again in a few weeks, this time with the full support of my wife who now understands how crucial it is, but I can never live as a woman. She can handle the physical changes, but in our tiny, close-minded community a social transition would be too much for her.
Will this be hard? Hell yeah. But if it means growing old with the love of my life and our two hobbits than I'll take it!
Thanks Christine and Cora :)
Yes, children, marriage, the commitments we've accrued along the way all have to be considered. We move forward at the pace we can and make the best of it I suppose. I'm beginning to feel more positive about this path than I did when I began it. It helps to read that other people are trying the same kind of thing and making a success of it too.
If you've got to run the marathon, best make sure you finish it in good shape without serious injury :D
So I started E a few weeks back, low dose and just told my mom and will tell my brother this week and sister in the next few weeks. We will tell some close friends this summer and travel as two women together as well. I still get out several times a month and am fully out at home. 2 years and 3 months since I started therapy. Even if I ramped it up it would still be another year so I guess for me a long term transition is realistic.
I have been on HRT for 3 years and still not out at work and most family. I got mam'd twice by a young guy tonight at Sonic Drive Inn and I was in total "guy mode" wearing guy clothes and my hair pulled back in a pony tail. Long term is doable but not easy. It will be much harder if you are in your twenties or early thirties.
Quote from: Joan on November 22, 2013, 10:32:25 PM
Hi everybody.
It's taken a while but I've come out to my partner, made an appointment for therapy and begun living part time as a woman. My partner has been really understanding, and the time that I can spend at home as myself gives me so much peace of mind. Next we're planning a few trips away where I can spend a few days or weeks fully as Joan.
I plan to start HRT as soon as I can referred, but for a smooth transition I plan to work in male mode for at least another three years. This will give me the financial base we need for future. I realise that there will be physical changes, but i don't intend to let what other people think bother me.
The problem is that having moved a long way toward self-acceptance I'm now finding it harder and harder interacting with people as a guy and I don't suppose hormones are going to make that any easier.
So how long did you spend on your transition? Is such a long term dual role life possible?
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.
Joan
If you take full transition dosages of hrt, then while your ymmv I think that it will be hard to continue to pass as male for such a long period. Having said this if you take low dose hrt it would probably be manageable as your dysphoria will certainly diminish and the physical changes will be less pronounced.
While I have not met folk like this I understand from my previous therapist that there are several high profile women who present as male professionally but present as female at other times. While I think that this would be quite difficult psychologically, it does appear that for some this has worked over quite an extended period (5 plus years).
Aisla
Well, this might work but it would require some compromises to be made and it really depends how You feel about those kind of compromises. I am on somewhat middle-level dosage and those who see me every day and dont know - they still have no idea, though sooner or later You are bound to slip up somehow. The most difficult thing is posture, mannerisms and all those details, but these could be dealt with in shorter periods of time by observing Your behaviour and keeping it within "acceptable male behaviour".
The problem is with those people who You meet for the first time and when You kinda mix Your social life with them and those who knew You before but are kinda "in the darkness", because sometimes the former ones start asking questions behind Your back which makes the latter ones kinda wonder and look at You differently.
Also, depending on Your genetics, age and other factors, there are going to be inevitable male fails and sometimes they happen when You are least expecting them (for example, when wearing 100% male casual attire), but You get to learn how to deal with them eventually.
Sometimes I need to present professionally (and I cant get away with smart casual only) and I do look a bit weird in power suit now, but usually people dont really care and You can get away with explanations like being on diet, growing Your hair out etc etc etc. If You are over 40-ties, You can always joke about male middle-age crisis and that You are now treating Your skin with moisturisers, dieting, exercising and whatnot - those are kinda contemporary stereotypical behaviours of middle/upper class male who is experiencing middle age crisis and they are kinda convenient to exploit for Your needs :).
Interesting to come back to this one. I posed the question 7 months ago and I had therapy and started medium dose hormones in January. There have been some changes physically, a lot of comments, and the diet, 'trying out longer hair' and healthy living talk is holding up ok so far.
HRT also broke the dam holding back Joan, along with ever-growing comfort in myself, and My mannerisms and speech patterns have changed a lot I guess. I get on with my female coworkers like a house on fire and life is a whole lot more fun.
I pretty quickly realised that 3 years was going to be too hard so I redid the sums, lowered expectations on possible savings and I'm working towards two years. Lately I've started considering coming out after one.
So yes, it is hard leading the dual life and a very long term transition for me is probably not going to be possible.
I thought I could live in dual role as I thought it would be impossible to pass and believed all the if you don't pass your not a real TS/your life will be crap/you won't get a job/ get beat up every time you go out etc BS.
I started HRT and electrolysis in January 1990 and had been growing my hair out from a long DA for 8 months.I started to live in role at nights and weekends straight away but took til May 1990 to start socialising in gay bars and clubs as femaleI knew by then that a full time transition was possible and that I wouldn't be happy part time.By October 1990 I was having to wear baggy T shirts to hide breast growth,I had long spiral permed red hair which people at work thought was due to me being around the punk/metal scene as I also was a regular in the rock club.I went full time on 30/9/91,I still hadn't finished electrolysis and would have liked to complete it but felt I was pushed into full time a bit sooner than I wanted by Charing Cross.I'd started having male fail in the summer.
Living in two social roles may lead to severe dysphoria and psychological problems later on if you do it too long. Some people can handle it but the vast majority of people simply cannot. For expository simplicity it's easier to just say you need to get rid of your fake persona and be who you truly are.
I've been on the road to transition for years. Life is too short and time is always running out. I haven't held a job for more than a few months in years. Finally, I've saved enough for FFS and SRS with maybe some left over for recovery time. There's many factors in this decision. I cannot spend another summer binding (breasts) and that is for sure.