Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This morning, my mom returned back home to see a man about cleaning her sofa's and rugs. While she was doing something in the kitchen, I snuck out to her car with a file folder with my coming out letter and I put it into her car. When she got home, she told me that she didn't even look at it, but she had a nagging feeling in her for the past few days.

I tried to explain what I wanted to do, but she's dead set against me 'dressing up like a woman'. She's under the impression that it's to start a relationship with a man, which I tried to explain to her that it wasn't. She just doesn't understand that I'm a woman inside. All she wants to accept is that I'm her son and that's it.

I tried to explain to her that I converse alot better with women as a woman . Then she went on about how my sister gets along good with men, but she doesn't dress up like a man, so why do I have to dress like a woman to get along with women.

I tried to explain to my dad that I have GID, and he wanted to know who diagnosed me with this, and when I told him that I did, he told me that I'm not a professional, so my opinion doesn't matter.

My mom told me that it would be easier to accept if I told her that I was gay instead of telling her that I want to be her first born daughter.

She also told me that I can do whatever I want after she's dead . . .

I've been fighting with her  for the past 18 years about this problem and she's making no effort to help me, because she only wants her 'son' and not another daughter. It's like a never ending battle, and she's already getting it up against my therapist, because he understands more than she does. There are so many times that I've called her ignorant, and she thinks that I'm being disrespectful to her, when I'm just calling it the way I see it. I try to educate her about it, but she always turns a deaf ear to me because she doesn't feel that she needs to hear about it, because she feels that it's not pertaining to her.

All I can say is I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially after what seems like years of conflict.

Please stay strong Gina, you'll get through this. I'm hopeful that your parents will one day know their daughter. If not, the loss will be theirs not yours.

::HUGS::

Big hug! Here's the good news, you're not living your life for your parents, you're living your life for you. Keep that thought in your head. You've made a step forward whether you see it or not.

Hugs, Devlyn

Well, do you think that maybe after some time has passed, she could start to see the light? I went through some of the same things at first with my mom but she eventually came around. Let's hope that your's does too.

My mom finally called me Jill for the first time yesterday after she flat out refused when I came out to her in April.

Don't give up hope.  These things take time to process.

Hugs!!!

Stay strong, Gina, you're doing the right thing by being yourself!

Maybe this will help:

Two situations.
(1) I knew I was female for sure since 15 years old, but didn't come out to myself until I was 26.
(2) Regardless of who you are your mother refuses to alter her concept of you.

What do these two things have in common?

Regardless of evidence, conviction, logic, and even love, if a person doesn't want to accept something, they won't until they change their mind. I like to say that the greatest human power of all is choice, and there's hardly anything that trumps it. It's sad that she made a painful choice, but choices can change. It may take time, maybe even lots of time, but the chance things will change is never 0%.

For me, I had a lifetime of evidence that only all "clicked" once I let it. For you, she doesn't get it because she seems to simply not want to. Unfortunately only she can decide to change her mind. The best thing to do that I can think of is to stay strong and show by example, rather than confrontation, of how the real you living as the real you is the best you she could ever know. She may change her mind, or she may not, but the fact that you want her to know about your transition and be supportive means you care about her very much, and that is an honorable and beautiful thing! :)

This happened to me as well. The only thing you can really do is give her time. She needs to think about this on her own. The more you push the more she'll resist, trust me on that one. My mother is that way and I've learned that trying to push something she doesn't want to hear, know, or understand the more she becomes resentful of it. Something I apparently inherited myself so I can relate in a way.

Just be who you are meant to be. You have to be strong for yourself at this point because you want to be who you are and have things feel better for you.

I hope your parents come around. I know the feeling when your parents won't accept something. It sucks and it hurts, but you gotta learn to maneuver around that so that you can grow for yourself. Hopefully they will come around some day.

Quote from: Shaina on December 04, 2013, 09:41:29 PM
All I can say is I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially after what seems like years of conflict.

Please stay strong Gina, you'll get through this. I'm hopeful that your parents will one day know their daughter. If not, the loss will be theirs not yours.

::HUGS::

Thanks Shaina for your heartfelt kind words and the hug.  :)

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 04, 2013, 09:43:01 PM
Big hug! Here's the good news, you're not living your life for your parents, you're living your life for you. Keep that thought in your head. You've made a step forward whether you see it or not.

Hugs, Devlyn

I know that I'm not living my life for my parents and that I'm living my life for me. I've tried to explain that to them. But there are so many consequences involved. But could you explain what you mean  when you say that I've made a step forward whether I see it or not.  ???

Quote from: Miss_Bungle1991 on December 04, 2013, 09:47:13 PM
Well, do you think that maybe after some time has passed, she could start to see the light? I went through some of the same things at first with my mom but she eventually came around. Let's hope that your's does too.

Not really. My mom is very stuborn. I tried working her over 18 years ago and she wouldn't budge, and now 18 years later she's still the same way. Unfortunately the only way that I'd be able to live my life as a woman would be to completely disown myself from my family.

Quote from: Miss_Bungle1991 on December 04, 2013, 09:47:13 PM
Well, do you think that maybe after some time has passed, she could start to see the light? I went through some of the same things at first with my mom but she eventually came around. Let's hope that your's does too.

No way that thats ever going to happen. My mom is very stuborn. I tried to work her over 18 years ago and she wouldn't budge and now 18 years later and still nothing. The only way that I'd beable to live my life as a woman is by completely diswoning my family.  :(

Quote from: Andrea_LS on December 04, 2013, 10:33:55 PM
Stay strong, Gina, you're doing the right thing by being yourself!

Maybe this will help:

Two situations.
(1) I knew I was female for sure since 15 years old, but didn't come out to myself until I was 26.
(2) Regardless of who you are your mother refuses to alter her concept of you.

What do these two things have in common?

Regardless of evidence, conviction, logic, and even love, if a person doesn't want to accept something, they won't until they change their mind. I like to say that the greatest human power of all is choice, and there's hardly anything that trumps it. It's sad that she made a painful choice, but choices can change. It may take time, maybe even lots of time, but the chance things will change is never 0%.

For me, I had a lifetime of evidence that only all "clicked" once I let it. For you, she doesn't get it because she seems to simply not want to. Unfortunately only she can decide to change her mind. The best thing to do that I can think of is to stay strong and show by example, rather than confrontation, of how the real you living as the real you is the best you she could ever know. She may change her mind, or she may not, but the fact that you want her to know about your transition and be supportive means you care about her very much, and that is an honorable and beautiful thing! :)

I really like what you're saying Andrea, but how exactly would I go about staying strong and showing by example to my mom? What should I do exactly?  :)

Yeap, as I recall my mother pretty much was like that too, after a year it doesnt seem to bother her anymore , she even pays for the doctors (thank god for that)

So I think you should give her some time , but also try to educate her , sooner or later she will listen...

Its wierd cause from all the people I came out to my mom had the worst reaction , the not approving one...
"its cause i love you the most" she said...meh I call bs on that...


Only time will tell , even if she never accepts you I think you should just move on...

True your family might disown you, but that doesn't mean you have to disown them. You can treat them in a gentle way, like a woman does, with love. You can't control the world around you, but you can control how you react to it.

Big hugs Gina I am sorry this has been so hard for you just remember that I am here for you if you need to talk.

Emily.T xx

Quote from: Jerred1985 on December 04, 2013, 10:51:56 PM
This happened to me as well. The only thing you can really do is give her time. She needs to think about this on her own. The more you push the more she'll resist, trust me on that one. My mother is that way and I've learned that trying to push something she doesn't want to hear, know, or understand the more she becomes resentful of it. Something I apparently inherited myself so I can relate in a way.

Just be who you are meant to be. You have to be strong for yourself at this point because you want to be who you are and have things feel better for you.

I hope your parents come around. I know the feeling when your parents won't accept something. It sucks and it hurts, but you gotta learn to maneuver around that so that you can grow for yourself. Hopefully they will come around some day.

Thanks Jarred for your kind and heartfelt words. I've given my mom 6 years of peace. I haven't bothered her about this until now. I do realize that it's like a bomb being dropped on her, but I'm not asking her for any money though, because I tried to explain to her that I'm a non-op transsexual. And of course she went off about my female friends and when they find out that I'm really a male dressed as a woman then what, but I didn't want to get into the whole presentation thing with her, which I handle very well, and basically if I'm living full time they'd never need to know about my past life unless it was brought up.

But unfortunately the only way that I'd be able to live my life properly is to leave home, disown my family  or wait until my parents die. And I've already been suffering long enough . . .

Quote from: FalsePrincess on December 05, 2013, 02:01:17 AM
Yeap, as I recall my mother pretty much was like that too, after a year it doesnt seem to bother her anymore , she even pays for the doctors (thank god for that)

So I think you should give her some time , but also try to educate her , sooner or later she will listen...

Its wierd cause from all the people I came out to my mom had the worst reaction , the not approving one...
"its cause i love you the most" she said...meh I call bs on that...


Only time will tell , even if she never accepts you I think you should just move on...

Thanks for your kind words of wisdom, but how am I supposed to give her time to adjust to the new me if she won't even let me be me in her house, and she 's told me bluntly not to send her anything on transsexualism, because she won't read it. She claims that she's read more than she wanted to six years ago on it, and she doesn't need to read any more about it. So unfortunately educating her about it is out of the question, unless you have some other way around it.

I'm just thinking about leaving by the New Year and that will be the end of it. Just me and the open road.

I'm so sorry your parents have had this reaction.  Do you still live with them?  If you plan to go forward with transition soon, I'd suggest finding a place to live on your own where you can be yourself.  They are in denial, and it may take a long time before they come around.  My parents had a similar reaction, and I ultimately decided that I wasn't going to let their bad reaction change my plans.

How you end up handling the situation is up to you, but always remember that you know yourself better than they do.  Good luck!

Quote from: Gina_Z on December 05, 2013, 02:13:07 AM
True your family might disown you, but that doesn't mean you have to disown them. You can treat them in a gentle way, like a woman does, with love. You can't control the world around you, but you can control how you react to it.

Y'know Gina Z, that's what they've told me, so why can't I disown them? But you've also made a good point there, about doing what a woman should do and treat them with love. Maybe I might try that, as long as they don't suspect anything. I did however send my mom a possible compromise that sh emay go for. More on that later . . .

Quote from: Emily.T on December 05, 2013, 03:14:21 AM
Big hugs Gina I am sorry this has been so hard for you just remember that I am here for you if you need to talk.

Emily.T xx

Thanks for that comfort and the hugs Emily. I may send you an e-mail later.  :)

Quote from: Anna++ on December 05, 2013, 07:18:02 AM
I'm so sorry your parents have had this reaction.  Do you still live with them?  If you plan to go forward with transition soon, I'd suggest finding a place to live on your own where you can be yourself.  They are in denial, and it may take a long time before they come around.  My parents had a similar reaction, and I ultimately decided that I wasn't going to let their bad reaction change my plans.

How you end up handling the situation is up to you, but always remember that you know yourself better than they do.  Good luck!

Denial. Maybe that's the angle that I'll take with them Anna. Thanks for bringing that up. I'll have to do some research on it. 'Cos you are right. How I handle this situation is up to me and only I know myself best.

Unfortunately I do live with my parents. I'd like to move out and find a nice place, but if it gets that bad I'll live in my car, until I can save up enough to move into a small place. Girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. :)

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 05, 2013, 12:19:37 AM
I know that I'm not liivng my life for my parents and that I'm living my life for me. I've tried to explain that to them. But there are so many consequences involved. But could you explain what you mean  when you say that I've made a step forward whether I see it or not.  ???

Sure, you're confronting her on it. You're telling her that whether she likes it or not, you know who you are. She may never accept it, but she needs to know it. Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 05, 2013, 12:23:51 AM
Not really. My mom is very stuborn. I tried working her over 18 years ago and she wouldn't budge, and now 18 years later she's still the same way. Unfortunately the only way that I'd be able to live my life as a woman would be to completely disown myself from my family.

Wow...that really sucks.  :icon_hug:

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 05, 2013, 09:17:06 AM
Sure, you're confronting her on it. You're telling her that whether she likes it or not, you know who you are. She may never accept it, but she needs to know it. Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks Devlyn. I kind of thought that that was what you meant, but I was just making sure.  :-\

Quote from: Miss_Bungle1991 on December 05, 2013, 11:01:30 AM
Wow...that really sucks.  :icon_hug:

Unfortunately Miss Bungle, that's the way life gets sometimes.

I was talking with a good friend this morning, and he agrees that I should leave and start my new life by myself. So I'm planning on hitting the road for the New Year, and there will be some financial changes made to my disability.

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 05, 2013, 07:22:09 AM
Y'know Gina Z, that's what they've told me, so why can't I disown them? But you've also made a good point there, about doing what a woman should do and treat them with love. Maybe I might try that, as long as they don't suspect anything. I did however send my mom a possible compromise that sh emay go for. More on that later . . .

I think the whole 'disowning' thing is negative. If they behave badly, that does not mean you have to. I recommend treating them with love and realizing it's okay if they suspect something. Compromising is often a good solution, but keep in mind that your goal is probably to be who you want to be, who you are. Be gentle with them, even though they're not gentle with you. I'm not in your situation (yet) so it's easy for me to look at ways of handling it, in a theoretical way. But really, be a gentle woman while not allowing any bullying or allowing them to define you. Good luck!

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 05, 2013, 11:28:28 AM
Unfortunately Miss Bungle, that's the way life gets sometimes.

True.

It just sucks, though. Family should be more supportive and willing to listen and learn.

so sorry to hear your news Gina. Do what you need to do for yourself. You know what you are and that's the main thing. In my case my parents were great but my sibblings were diabolically awful. Its a blow but keep doing what you're doing and work around it. You'll get there in the end.

Hugs

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 04, 2013, 09:34:44 PM
I tried to explain to my dad that I have GID, and he wanted to know who diagnosed me with this, and when I told him that I did, he told me that I'm not a professional, so my opinion doesn't matter.

Right...like we don't know ourselves and what's going on in our brain and heart better than anyone else ever could???  But you're seeing a GT?  That's good.  I had my first GT appointment this week and she already told me "I'm hearing a lot of gender dysphoria".  Of course I already knew this, but it brought me a little peace to know that I wasn't just crazy. 

I wouldn't set orientation in stone just yet, after all if pone like women before and after transition, then one is then lesbian. One way or other there is no neat way to deal with orientation, even being asexual is awkward.

Quote from: Gina_Z on December 05, 2013, 11:51:34 AM
I think the whole 'disowning' thing is negative. If they behave badly, that does not mean you have to. I recommend treating them with love and realizing it's okay if they suspect something. Compromising is often a good solution, but keep in mind that your goal is probably to be who you want to be, who you are. Be gentle with them, even though they're not gentle with you. I'm not in your situation (yet) so it's easy for me to look at ways of handling it, in a theoretical way. But really, be a gentle woman while not allowing any bullying or allowing them to define you. Good luck!

Y'know Gina Z, I wish I could have you here to defend me. That's exactly what I'm trying to get through to them about is that I know who I want to be and who I am. Fortunately, I think I'm starting to break through with my mom, and she will let me be who I am, but there are consequences with it. She told me that since she's more involved with the church, and one day she might decide to go to a Saturday night service, the last thing that she wants to do is to see me as a woman, so she's asked me to leave my church and find another on to go to. So I think she's partially agreed to my compromise, which was that I can do whatever I feel like doing as a woman during the work days and on the weekends because they're not home. Basically what they don't see won't hurt them.   :icon_censored:

Quote from: Miss_Bungle1991 on December 05, 2013, 12:17:40 PM
True.

It just sucks, though. Family should be more supportive and willing to listen and learn.

I agree with you Miss Bungle that family should be more supportive and willing to listen and learn. But my family won't becasue they all feel that it's wrong and they don't see any good in it. So I must suffer.  :(

Quote from: Saskia on December 05, 2013, 12:22:40 PM
so sorry to hear your news Gina. Do what you need to do for yourself. You know what you are and that's the main thing. In my case my parents were great but my sibblings were diabolically awful. Its a blow but keep doing what you're doing and work around it. You'll get there in the end.

Hugs

Thanks for the vote of confidence Saskia. But I do intend to do what I need to do to make my life better. Really sorry to hear about your siblings. I'm almost having the same problem with mine. I'm going to try and find ways to work around it.  :) I'm a very strong and determined woman!

Quote from: JordanBlue on December 05, 2013, 12:35:51 PM
Right...like we don't know ourselves and what's going on in our brain and heart better than anyone else ever could???  But you're seeing a GT?  That's good.  I had my first GT appointment this week and she already told me "I'm hearing a lot of gender dysphoria".  Of course I already knew this, but it brought me a little peace to know that I wasn't just crazy.

I'm really pleased to hear that you've got a good therapist Jordan. That's one hurdle you won't have to worry about.

36 years ago I was involved in a bicylce accident where I collided with a car and ended up spending 3 months in a coma with brain stem injuries and brain damage. Now my folks think that with so much messed up in my brain that that could be the reason for my GID. I think they're just trying to prove otherwise. I know what I am and I know who I am, and it's just a matter of them accepting it.

*hug*  I'm so sorry, Gina.  I hope eventually she will come around, but from what you are saying she may not.  Some of us are lucky and get to keep the family assigned to us at birth; some have to build a chosen family instead.

I hope you continue to build a support network in real life outside of your immediate family; no one should have to walk this path alone.  In the meantime (and beyond), we're here for you.

Much love.  *hug*

Hugs, I am sorry for your rejection.

You made a huge step forward in developing your agency and the fact you are steadfast in your identity will help them realize who you are. Being consistent and using unmitigating language  will help solidify their view of you.

Step back for a second and take account for how far you have come. You are a strong woman indeed.

Quote from: Robin Mack on December 05, 2013, 04:27:00 PM
*hug*  I'm so sorry, Gina.  I hope eventually she will come around, but from what you are saying she may not.  Some of us are lucky and get to keep the family assigned to us at birth; some have to build a chosen family instead.

I hope you continue to build a support network in real life outside of your immediate family; no one should have to walk this path alone.  In the meantime (and beyond), we're here for you.

Much love.  *hug*

I really appreciate your love and support Robin.

I do have some other friends outside of my immediate family that support me, and it is a shame as you siad that some people have to build a chosen family instead of sticking with their assigned family for support. But I'm in the process of making plans for my near and distant future. :)

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on December 05, 2013, 04:55:53 PM
Hugs, I am sorry for your rejection.

You made a huge step forward in developing your agency and the fact you are steadfast in your identity will help them realize who you are. Being consistent and using unmitigating language  will help solidify their view of you.

Step back for a second and take account for how far you have come. You are a strong woman indeed.

Y'know Cynthia, it's only a small set back. But thanks for reminding me on how far I've come in such a short time. I've really built up a lot of confidence and self esteem. :) I've been keeping a record in my diary of all of my outings and everytime it only gets better.  :) But unfortunately my mom doesn't want to see anything of it. :( It's like she doesn't want this part of my life to exist in her life. But it soon will come to pass.  :)

Gina, you shouldn't have to endure this. None of us should. Some people need time. But it doesn't always work that way.

Rejections like these are the reasons we're hear for each other, and I'm here for you Gina. I wish I could be there physically for you in some way.

HUGS

Quote from: Constance on December 05, 2013, 07:52:33 PM
Gina, you shouldn't have to endure this. None of us should. Some people need time. But it doesn't always work that way.

Rejections like these are the reasons we're hear for each other, and I'm here for you Gina. I wish I could be there physically for you in some way.

HUGS

I couldn't agree with you more Constance. My mom has had eight years in which I haven't really bothered her aout this, and like she said today I dropped it on her like a bomb.  But at least it's not exactly life threatening like cancer, but it is something that I have been suffering with for a long time and now I've decided to finally take it into terms and do something about it. And quite frankly I don't really care if she wants to accept it or not, because this is my life that we're dealing with and it's my dilemma that needs to be corrected. As long as I have your spiritual support Constance, that will do plenty for me.  :angel:

Gina- I think what I was trying to get at is to show how the thing that's going to fade away is her now-outdated image of you rather than your how you are transgender and wish to live as yourself. I'm sorry I kind of mangle words a bit and have difficulty relating to your circumstance (I live apart from my mother, and she's supportive)... I read your post, though, and really wanted to say something to help. Another way of saying it perhaps is that you can show her (and others) that living out your gender identity is a strength and not a weakness for you, and that it's something that brings you peace, health, and meaningful connection to people (as you being you). :) Sorry again for the mangled words.  :-\ I do hope things work out for you well.

Quote from: Andrea_LS on December 05, 2013, 08:32:32 PM
Gina- I think what I was trying to get at is to show how the thing that's going to fade away is her now-outdated image of you rather than your how you are transgender and wish to live as yourself. I'm sorry I kind of mangle words a bit and have difficulty relating to your circumstance (I live apart from my mother, and she's supportive)... I read your post, though, and really wanted to say something to help. Another way of saying it perhaps is that you can show her (and others) that living out your gender identity is a strength and not a weakness for you, and that it's something that brings you peace, health, and meaningful connection to people (as you being you). :) Sorry again for the mangled words.  :-\ I do hope things work out for you well.

Thank you Andrea for your strong and meaningful words. I agree with you that my mom has an outdated image of what a transsexual is, and at least she hasn't told me about 'parading' around in woman's clothing, which I've never done. I always try to fit in and be apart of the crowd. She always tends to think of me like Ru Paul.  But she'll never understand that transsexuals try to live like everybody else.

She actually told me that she won't let me continue to work for her, because she's never had a woman on payroll and she doesn't want to be embarrassed when my wig flies off (which has never happened)when I'm lifting things or a customer recognizes me (I'll explain what I am). She even went on about the fact that I'd be wearing makeup on the job as well. So again she was very blunt in telling me that there would be no work for me as a woman, and she's not even sure how her installer would feel about me working with him, and he knows, and doesn't really care either way. All these negatives . . . But y'know Andrae I am going to be living out as my proper gender, which will give me strength and it does bring me peace and connection with people. Thanks for understanding. Maybe you could talk with my mom and see if you could get her to understand things better . . .

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 06, 2013, 02:15:36 AM
Thank you Andrea for your strong and meaningful words. I agree with you that my mom has an outdated image of what a transsexual is, and at least she hasn't told me about 'parading' around in woman's clothing, which I've never done. I always try to fit in and be apart of the crowd. She always tends to think of me like Ru Paul.  But she'll never understand that transsexuals try to live like everybody else.

She actually told me that she won't let me continue to work for her, because she's never had a woman on payroll and she doesn't want to be embarrassed when my wig flies off (which has never happened)when I'm lifting things or a customer recognizes me (I'll explain what I am). She even went on about the fact that I'd be wearing makeup on the job as well. So again she was very blunt in telling me that there would be no work for me as a woman, and she's not even sure how her installer would feel about me working with him, and he knows, and doesn't really care either way. All these negatives . . . But y'know Andrae I am going to be living out as my proper gender, which will give me strength and it does bring me peace and connection with people. Thanks for understanding. Maybe you could talk with my mom and see if you could get her to understand things better . . .

I don't want to come off as understanding someone I don't know but... That said, I get a strong impression she thinks of you and her as a single unit: what you do means X or Y or Z to her feelings or her reputation. She seems seriously scared of what people think, and maybe she thinks she's "being fearful for you" - I'm not sure there, you would (of course) know best. But really, equating your impression on people (good or bad) and your reputation (good or bad) with hers sounds a boundary-crossing kind of relationship. I'm not sure how possible or probable it is, but to me it seems like getting some financial/housing independence could help the both of you and maybe give her the space to feel safe enough to maybe change her mind. It just really sounds like she's concerned your actions/convictions will harm her - fear, that is. And think this fear is too distracting for her to simply be proud or even accepting of you, perhaps. I could be wrong, though. (I'm not sure if I'd fair well speaking with her though!)

Gina I'm sorry to hear it didn't go so well girl :(

You know, I remember bringing this up to my mother at an early age, I actually told her I felt I was a female at age 11 and she said something like "If god wanted you to be a girl he would have made you one." But what she didn't understand was I already was.

Sometimes people won't get it at first, and denial is just a reaction to it sadly. Just give them time. Love is a bond like no other, and since that conversation I had with my mother 11 years ago, I feel like she has accepted parts of who I'am. It just takes time hun, just do you and keep them in mind. :)

Hugs and best wishes! :)

Quote from: Andrea_LS on December 06, 2013, 03:55:54 AM
I don't want to come off as understanding someone I don't know but... That said, I get a strong impression she thinks of you and her as a single unit: what you do means X or Y or Z to her feelings or her reputation. She seems seriously scared of what people think, and maybe she thinks she's "being fearful for you" - I'm not sure there, you would (of course) know best. But really, equating your impression on people (good or bad) and your reputation (good or bad) with hers sounds a boundary-crossing kind of relationship. I'm not sure how possible or probable it is, but to me it seems like getting some financial/housing independence could help the both of you and maybe give her the space to feel safe enough to maybe change her mind. It just really sounds like she's concerned your actions/convictions will harm her - fear, that is. And think this fear is too distracting for her to simply be proud or even accepting of you, perhaps. I could be wrong, though. (I'm not sure if I'd fair well speaking with her though!)

Sorry Andrea, but I was just thinking out loud when I wrote that about you speaking to my mom. She wouldn't listen to you anyway. No offense though. :)

But yes, I think you've hit the proverbial nail on the head with your thoughts. She does fear what others will think and will say about me out there if they recognize me. But I don't care either way, because I'm doing this for me not them. She's always been concerned with what they'll think if they see me.I might just bring this too her attention.  Thanks for bringing it to my attention Andrea. I'd like to send you a PM some time later.

Quote from: Marieee on December 06, 2013, 04:03:09 AM
Gina I'm sorry to hear it didn't go so well girl :(

You know, I remember bringing this up to my mother at an early age, I actually told her I felt I was a female at age 11 and she said something like "If god wanted you to be a girl he would have made you one." But what she didn't understand was I already was.

Sometimes people won't get it at first, and denial is just a reaction to it sadly. Just give them time. Love is a bond like no other, and since that conversation I had with my mother 11 years ago, I feel like she has accepted parts of who I am. It just takes time hun, just do you and keep them in mind. :)

Hugs and best wishes! :)

Thanks for your heartfelt and kind words Marieee. I will keep them with me as I make my way towards womanhood. :)

No worries, Gina. I'm really glad I can help. Please feel free to message me if you wish. :)

I've been working on a plan of action today and I've got it all figured out. By January 1st, 2014 I'll be on my way and I'll return home once a month to refill my medication and to go to any doctor's appointments . But other than that I'll be a woman on the road and giving my family that needed time away from me, while I'm living out my life as a woman! :)

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 06, 2013, 04:01:24 PM
I've been working on a plan of action today and I've got it all figured out. By January 1st, 2014 I'll be on my way and I'll return home once a month to refill my medication and to go to any doctor's appointments . But other than that I'll be a woman on the road and giving my family that needed time away from me, while I'm living out my life as a woman! :)

Sounds like a good plan.

By the way, I really like your new avatar.

Quote from: Constance on December 06, 2013, 04:05:59 PM
Sounds like a good plan.

By the way, I really like your new avatar.

Thanks for your approval Constance! :) My pictures finally came in, and I couldn't wait to get one up into my avatar, and show my sisters what I really look like.  :)

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 06, 2013, 04:01:24 PM
I've been working on a plan of action today and I've got it all figured out. By January 1st, 2014 I'll be on my way and I'll return home once a month to refill my medication and to go to any doctor's appointments . But other than that I'll be a woman on the road and giving my family that needed time away from me, while I'm living out my life as a woman! :)

So, you're ok with seeing your family just once a month?

Quote from: JordanBlue on December 06, 2013, 06:01:58 PM
So, you're ok with seeing your family just once a month?

If that what it takes. But I may not even see them. Like I said I'll just be stopping by to re-fill my monthly medication or coming back for a scheduled doctor's appointment.

My mom just told me that she'll be coming with me to my next appointment with my therapist and she'll be giving me my ultimatium. Hmm, do you think I should be shaking in my heels???

And I just recieved a call from my pastor about using the ladies room last Saturday. He asked me to use the washroom near his office if I need to go. Then he asked me what do I want out of this, and I told him to be treated as being normal. I don't expect to be treated any different because I'm a transsexual. And we left it at that.

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 06, 2013, 06:19:58 PM
My mom just told me that she'll be coming with me to my next appointment with my therapist and she'll be giving me my ultimatum. Hmm, do you think I should be shaking in my heels???

I'm not familiar with what's going on in your life, so I really can't comment on that. Must be a lot of stress. But I'll just say - No, you have to do what makes you happy in your life. 

QuoteAnd I just received a call from my pastor about using the ladies room last Saturday. He asked me to use the washroom near his office if I need to go. Then he asked me what do I want out of this, and I told him to be treated as being normal. I don't expect to be treated any different because I'm a transsexual. And we left it at that.

Wow, what kind of pastor does that?  Would Jesus do that?

That's good to hear about your plan, and hopefully your mother will take some piece of understanding away from that session. Hoping for the best!

BTW, loving your new avatar, looking good! :)

Quote from: JordanBlue on December 06, 2013, 08:38:09 PM
I'm not familiar with what's going on in your life, so I really can't comment on that. Must be a lot of stress. But I'll just say - No, you have to do what makes you happy in your life. 
Wow, what kind of pastor does that?  Would Jesus do that?

My mom was at my session with my therapist and me four weeks ago and spouted off about me and my  therapist had made some comments about my mom that she doesn't like, so she feels that she must go and defend herself now. It's a no win situation, but I don't let the stress affect me. But that is one of the reasons that I'm leaving to get away from all this bickering.  :icon_blahblah:

As for my pastor, I'm sure that he's just getting things straight in his mind, because I'm probably the first transsexual that he's had to deal with.  :)

Quote from: Marieee on December 06, 2013, 09:16:22 PM
That's good to hear about your plan, and hopefully your mother will take some piece of understanding away from that session. Hoping for the best!

BTW, loving your new avatar, looking good! :)

Whenever I go out and think about things I usually come up with some good ideas.

I'm hoping that my mom will learn a little about herself as well, if she listens to what my therapist has to say about her.

Thanks for the compliment on my avatar. It was taken at the wig store where I bought my wig from.  :)

Love the curls. if your road ever leads in my direction, stop and we will get coffee with dinner.

Quote from: LordKAT on December 07, 2013, 12:42:04 AM
Love the curls. if your road ever leads in my direction, stop and we will get coffee with dinner.

I was jsut thinking about roaming around my neck of the woods, but thanks for the offer LordKat. I've always been a little partial to curls. My next wig I'll be getting is a little longer and it's got ringlets. It's so cute. I'll have to get some head shots.  :)

Just had it out with my mom again. For some reason, she seems to be really set on this dressing as a woman thing. I mean if I didn't dress as a woman but acted feminine, then I would be thought of as being gay. So to stop the confusion, I go the whole nine yards and that's it. Maybe I'll have to explain that to her the next time she gets into it with me. But she thinks that the only reason I go to a Saturday night service is so that I can go as a woman, she doesn't seem to understand that by me dressing as a woman is the only way that I can be a woman.

Then she tells me that because she's involved with the choir, bible studies and a few other ministries, that that makes her more valuable than me. So basically what she's saying is that if I were to not go to church for a month people may ask about me, but I wouldn't be missed as much.

Then she tells me that she's been talking with my other sister and she told her about my coming out letter and there is no way she'd expose her two boys to me, and they all feel it's selfish of me to be doing this. Is it really that selfish because I need to correct something to make my life better?

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 07, 2013, 08:00:18 AM
Then she tells me that because she's involved with the choir, bible studies and a few other ministries, that that makes her more valuable than me. So basically what she's saying is that if I were to not go to church for a month people may ask about me, but I wouldn't be missed as much.

Gina:
Obviously I don't know what type of church you're referring to here, and no offense intended, but it sounds like organized religion at it's worst.  Trust me, I spent 10 years working for a very well known TV evangelist, I know what I'm talking about.  I have zero problems with God or his Son, but have completely washed my hands of organized religion.  Do yourself a huge favor and cut the judgmental people out of your life.  I can tell you this with 100% conviction...GOD has NO PROBLEM with transgendered folks.  How do I know that?  HE told me.   ;)

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 07, 2013, 08:00:18 AM
Just had it out with my mom again. For some reason, she seems to be really set on this dressing as a woman thing. I mean if I didn't dress as a woman but acted feminine, then I would be thought of as being gay. So to stop the confusion, I go the whole nine yards and that's it. Maybe I'll have to explain that to her the next time she gets into it with me. But she thinks that the only reason I go to a Saturday night service is so that I can go as a woman, she doesn't seem to understand that by me dressing as a woman is the only way that I can be a woman.

Then she tells me that because she's involved with the choir, bible studies and a few other ministries, that that makes her more valuable than me. So basically what she's saying is that if I were to not go to church for a month people may ask about me, but I wouldn't be missed as much.

Then she tells me that she's been talking with my other sister and she told her about my coming out letter and there is no way she'd expose her two boys to me, and they all feel it's selfish of me to be doing this. Is it really that selfish because I need to correct something to make my life better?

Ah yes, the selfishness argument. I guess if you were saving money for cancer treatment that would be selfish too.  ::)  No, Gina: you aren't being selfish. You're becoming and living your true self, and that's a beautiful thing.

Can you trust your mother's word about your sister though? Or, would it be better to contact your sister directly?

Quote from: JordanBlue on December 07, 2013, 11:12:24 AM
Gina:
Obviously I don't know what type of church you're referring to here, and no offense intended, but it sounds like organized religion at it's worst.  Trust me, I spent 10 years working for a very well known TV evangelist, I know what I'm talking about.  I have zero problems with God or his Son, but have completely washed my hands of organized religion.  Do yourself a huge favor and cut the judgmental people out of your life.  I can tell you this with 100% conviction...GOD has NO PROBLEM with transgendered folks.  How do I know that?  HE told me.   ;)

I've been attending the United Methodist church for the past 18 years, and I don't think they're an organized religion. But with the way my mom's talkin and trying to be better than me, I don't need that kind of conflict in my life, so if I need a church to go to, I can always find another. But it's strange though, because all that she's trying to avoid is our paths from crossing and so I decided that I would go to a Saturday night service, which I know that she never goes to. I'm just trying to keep the peace, but she isn't trying at all. I really don't know why she fears seeing me dressed as a woman though???

FYI, United Methodist is organized religion. Organized religion is just about any recognized 'church', it is recognized as a religion.

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 07, 2013, 04:57:31 PM
I'm just trying to keep the peace, but she isn't trying at all. I really don't know why she fears seeing me dressed as a woman though???[/color]

Gina:
Your Mom simply doesn't get it. She may never get it.  Lots of people never get it.
And yes, Methodist is a well established denomination aka organized religion.
You're dealing with the man-made rules of a denomination. These rules are NOT from GOD.  Such as your pastor worrying about which restroom you use.  This type of behavior has zero to do with JESUS or GOD.  Can you see what I'm saying?

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 07, 2013, 04:57:31 PM
I've been attending the United Methodist church for the past 18 years, and I don't think they're an organized religion. But with the way my mom's talkin and trying to be better than me, I don't need that kind of conflict in my life, so if I need a church to go to, I can always find another. But it's strange though, because all that she's trying to avoid is our paths from crossing and so I decided that I would go to a Saturday night service, which I know that she never goes to. I'm just trying to keep the peace, but she isn't trying at all. I really don't know why she fears seeing me dressed as a woman though???

IMHO if it's got a name it's organized, but really though, that's beside the point. Having religious convictions is your own choice and there are indeed Christian, spiritual, and other religious folks that are accepting of transgender people.

"Why she fears" could be a number of things, but per previous posts it seems to me to be that she equates your living as a woman to being harmful in many ways (mainly to others - has she ever showed concern about your well-being?). Like I said before, someone using their own convictions and fears as a reason to tell you how to live is a boundary-crossing, codependent relationship. The same goes for folks who say that you're being "selfish". Saying it's "selfish" to make your own decisions in life implies that aspects of your life and convictions answer to them naturally and your breaking away from that is some kind of inflation of self-interest: All of which is manipulative rubbish. Not to be pushy but getting separate from controlling folks like that would really be worth considering.

Quote from: Constance on December 07, 2013, 12:51:28 PM
Ah yes, the selfishness argument. I guess if you were saving money for cancer treatment that would be selfish too.  ::)  No, Gina: you aren't being selfish. You're becoming and living your true self, and that's a beautiful thing.

Can you trust your mother's word about your sister though? Or, would it be better to contact your sister directly?

I see exactly what you mean Constance. Not for once did I think I was being selfish with my actions.

Unfortunately my mom has a photographic memory and she can relate exactly what has been told to her, so what my sister told her is exactly what she said. I may bring this up at my next sesion with my therapist  ;D

Quote from: LordKAT on December 07, 2013, 05:09:13 PM
FYI, United Methodist is organized religion. Organized religion is just about any recognized 'church', it is recognized as a religion.

I wasn't aware of that, but after doing some quick research, I see what you mean. It's totally unavoidable.

Quote from: JordanBlue on December 07, 2013, 05:11:10 PM
Gina:
Your Mom simply doesn't get it. She may never get it.  Lots of people never get it.
And yes, Methodist is a well established denomination aka organized religion.
You're dealing with the man-made rules of a denomination. These rules are NOT from GOD.  Such as your pastor worrying about which restroom you use.  This type of behavior has zero to do with JESUS or GOD.  Can you see what I'm saying?

Yeah, I can. It was man that says males are to use the men's room and females are to use the ladie's room, really no exception.  God says otherwise. When I was told of my mistake last week, I understood. There was really no need for my pastor to intercede. The church is just a place to gather people to speak the word of God. I can do the same by staying at home and reading my bible.

Quote from: Andrea_LS on December 07, 2013, 05:15:29 PM
IMHO if it's got a name it's organized, but really though, that's beside the point. Having religious convictions is your own choice and there are indeed Christian, spiritual, and other religious folks that are accepting of transgender people.

"Why she fears" could be a number of things, but per previous posts it seems to me to be that she equates your living as a woman to being harmful in many ways (mainly to others - has she ever showed concern about your well-being?). Like I said before, someone using their own convictions and fears as a reason to tell you how to live is a boundary-crossing, codependent relationship. The same goes for folks who say that you're being "selfish". Saying it's "selfish" to make your own decisions in life implies that aspects of your life and convictions answer to them naturally and your breaking away from that is some kind of inflation of self-interest: All of which is manipulative rubbish. Not to be pushy but getting separate from controlling folks like that would really be worth considering.

My mom constantly watches the news. As soon as she gets up in the morning, she turns on the TV and the news is playing. When she gets home from work, she turns on the news. She hears about all the tragedies in the world and that's what she bases her life on. And of course she tries to use what she sees in the news to strike fear into me of what might be out there. I'm always observant and I can always see what's out there, so I don't need her striking more fear into me. I know what's going on in the world these days, and I'm a pretty protective woman.  :icon_anger:

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 07, 2013, 06:03:51 PM
My mom constantly watches the news. As soon as hse gets up in the morning, she turns on the TV and the news is playing. When she gets home from work, she turns on the news. She hears about all the tragedies in the world and that's what she bases her life on. And of course she tries to use what she sees in the news to strike fear into me of what might be out there. I'm always observant and I can always see what's out there, so I don't need her striking more fear into me. I know what's going on in the world these days, and I'm a pretty protective woman.  :icon_anger:

I've lived with people that watched lots of 'news' (I give it that term out of generosity...). If it's any news with commercials (most are), it's got a basic need to ensure it grabs people's attention. Naturally people get curious and emotionally involved with bad news, so it's all over the place. I'll tell you, though, I only peek at general news occasionally (political news even less) as a practical thing. No matter its content or basis on fact, if I sit down and watch news for about 2 hours, without fail, my mood is sour and my outlook on how positive or accepting or hopeful humanity can be is largely skewed.

A roommate I once had was in a perma-sour from following the news all day, and it showed; she had an almost permanent combative personality from being in "survival mode". To folks outside her viewpoint, though, she seemed overly defensive and unapproachable. Not to say your mother is like that or anything, but the point is that bland news is only engaging to some, while sensational/fear-mongering/always-showing-exceptional-circumstances news grabs more viewers (something I like to call "infotainment"). I was a recent victim of it by looking up TERF stories, and felt scared, until I realized that they're not all over the map and it's a fringe movement. My mom fell into it once when she called me, scared, bringing up a trans murder in Jamaica (seriously, California and Jamaica are not exactly nearby each other).

Kind of like what I'd said before, the more you live out your life as a woman, unscathed (for the most part anyway), the more that kind of fear seems unwarranted to others like her. That's what I meant about being an example. Before I came out to myself, I made trans friends and subconsciously studied their lives and interactions to find out how a trans person survives, and lots of concepts I had changed dramatically. I think it's key though to challenge not her necessarily but her fear. Defining how you're different people with different emotions and experiences can bring some objectivity to the matter, I think.

Quote from: Andrea_LS on December 08, 2013, 01:15:09 AM
I've lived with people that watched lots of 'news' (I give it that term out of generosity...). If it's any news with commercials (most are), it's got a basic need to ensure it grabs people's attention. Naturally people get curious and emotionally involved with bad news, so it's all over the place. I'll tell you, though, I only peek at general news occasionally (political news even less) as a practical thing. No matter its content or basis on fact, if I sit down and watch news for about 2 hours, without fail, my mood is sour and my outlook on how positive or accepting or hopeful humanity can be is largely skewed.

A roommate I once had was in a perma-sour from following the news all day, and it showed; she had an almost permanent combative personality from being in "survival mode". To folks outside her viewpoint, though, she seemed overly defensive and unapproachable. Not to say your mother is like that or anything, but the point is that bland news is only engaging to some, while sensational/fear-mongering/always-showing-exceptional-circumstances news grabs more viewers (something I like to call "infotainment"). I was a recent victim of it by looking up TERF stories, and felt scared, until I realized that they're not all over the map and it's a fringe movement. My mom fell into it once when she called me, scared, bringing up a trans murder in Jamaica (seriously, California and Jamaica are not exactly nearby each other).

Kind of like what I'd said before, the more you live out your life as a woman, unscathed (for the most part anyway), the more that kind of fear seems unwarranted to others like her. That's what I meant about being an example. Before I came out to myself, I made trans friends and subconsciously studied their lives and interactions to find out how a trans person survives, and lots of concepts I had changed dramatically. I think it's key though to challenge not her necessarily but her fear. Defining how you're different people with different emotions and experiences can bring some objectivity to the matter, I think.

Yeah, I see what you mean Andrea. She's never really  happy woman, because of what she sees on the news. Because of what's happen between the wars or politics it menatlly affects her, and her disposition is never really happy because of that.

But I do plan on carrying on with my plans on living as a woman and being an example. And by living my life the way I want I will only grow stronger and will be more independent.  :) Thanks for the vote of confidence and the support.  :)

Gina I just wanted to chime in with the people who sympathize with you, especially on the "selfish" accusation and church-related guilt tripping. I've had family compare my trans identity to child molesters and ask if I thought about how this would affect my child and the other people around me. As if this is just some careless whim.

My blood family are quite religious, and I'm certainly kept a secret and not welcome to visit in person. Years into my transition, read as male 100 percent of the time and finally content with myself, they still refer to me as a confused woman. It hurts, but it's less harmful to me than it would be if I were more dependent upon or in closer contact with them.

You should do what it takes to be allowed to be yourself.

Quote from: Felix on December 08, 2013, 05:35:54 AM
Gina I just wanted to chime in with the people who sympathize with you, especially on the "selfish" accusation and church-related guilt tripping. I've had family compare my trans identity to child molesters and ask if I thought about how this would affect my child and the other people around me. As if this is just some careless whim.

My blood family are quite religious, and I'm certainly kept a secret and not welcome to visit in person. Years into my transition, read as male 100 percent of the time and finally content with myself, they still refer to me as a confused woman. It hurts, but it's less harmful to me than it would be if I were more dependent upon or in closer contact with them.

You should do what it takes to be allowed to be yourself.

Thanks Felix for your kind and heartfelt words.Some people feel that they can use religion to back them up, but it doesn't always work. I'm seeing my therapist on Tuesday and my mom will be coming because of some things that he has said about her that has perturbed her, and there will be some things said by me that I'm sure that she won't like, but at least my therapist will be there to defend me. But as said, I'm in the process of getting my things together and making sure that I'll have the necessary funds made available to me per month and I'll be on my way by the 1st of the New Year.  :)

Y'know it's strange. I was at Wal-Mart last Thursday and I was talking with a woman who works in the jewlery department about some earrings that I bought. Now I don't know how she figured that they were for me or how she figured that I was transgendered, but she told me that she would be interested in seeing me dressed. So I found out that she was working Saturday, and I strolled through the store at around 1:30.  I was wearing an orange Faded Glory shirt, a pair of capri's and my new black shoes. At first she didn't recognize me, and then when she did, she told me that I looked good and she really liked the curls in my wig. Now I had to walk from one end of the store to the other and I didn't get any bad looks from any one. Now I could have just as easily walked right by my mom, and I wonder what she would have done?  ???

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 08, 2013, 12:14:17 PM
Y'know it's strange. I was at Wal-Mart last Thursday and I was talking with a woman who works in the jewlery department about some earrings that I bought. Now I don't know how she figured that they were for me or how she figured that I was transgendered, but she told me that she would be interested in seeing me dressed. So I found out that she was working Saturday, and I strolled through the store at around 1:30.  I was wearing an orange Faded Glory shirt, a pair of kakis and my new black shoes. At first she didn't recognize me, and then when she did, she told me that I looked good and she really liked the curls in my wig. Now I had to walk from one end of the store to the other and I didn't get any bad looks from any one. Now I could have just as easily walked right by my mom, and I wonder what she would have done?  ???

Gina:
There you go!   Proof that you are passing!  And the real truth is...most people are too wrapped up in their own little world to even care about what someone else looks like.  And your pastor?  Sorry but he'll have to answer to a higher power than himself someday for the way he's treated people. I really don't know what to say about your Mom.  Honestly if I were you, there's no way I'd take her to the therapist appointment.  It's simply not worth any possible outburst from her.
It's not your fault she doesn't get it.

Hi Gina. There's the saying that when one person transitions, so does the rest of the family. You have accepted who you are and are living your life. What's at play is that they have a belief system in which they are not willing to budge from. Many, many people have this issue. It's hard for some folks to change.

I'm happy that you are happy  :) with your life as a woman. You' ve made your position clear. I admire that you respect and love your folks. When you get your own place, things will get better.

:)

Quote from: gennee on December 08, 2013, 05:37:56 PM
Hi Gina. There's the saying that when one person transitions, so does the rest of the family. You have accepted who you are and are living your life. What's at play is that they have a belief system in which they are not willing to budge from. Many, many people have this issue. It's hard for some folks to change.

I'm happy that you are happy  :) with your life as a woman. You' ve made your position clear. I admire that you respect and love your folks. When you get your own place, things will get better.

:)

Y'know Genne, I kind of forgot about that. It's kind of like a marriage, where the family has to get use to the new member of the family. But unfortunately they're not willing on accepting that new member into their family. She's kind of like a blacksheep of the family.

Thanks for your kind and heartfelt words. That's right I'm not going back on my decision. I'm standing tall and firm like a woman should with my decision and I'm moving forward.  :) Sure I love and respect my folks, but I've now have to do what is best for me. Hopefully I should be able to find a nice to place to live.  

I had e-mailed my mom my decision for what I want done financially and she tells my that one of the things that social security wants to make sure of is that my money is used to make sure that I'm not homeless. She's starting to contradict herself now, because the other day she was ready to give me all my money and show me to the door. Guess I'll have to wait till tomorrow to hear her ultimatum. Should be interesting . . .   ;D

Gina, it sounds a bit, to me, like your mum is only concerned about herself and herself alone. Also with regards to religion, I'm slightly religious myself and as far as I'm aware the Bible is all about forgiveness and love, not rejection and hatred. Unfortuantely many 'Christians' seem to take inboard the latter.

Quote from: foreversarah on December 09, 2013, 11:50:49 AM
Gina, it sounds a bit, to me, like your mum is only concerned about herself and herself alone. Also with regards to religion, I'm slightly religious myself and as far as I'm aware the Bible is all about forgiveness and love, not rejection and hatred. Unfortuantely many 'Christians' seem to take inboard the latter.

So it seems like she's made that impression on you as well. Perhaps it's caused from her upbringing. She comes from a middle class family. Good point there about the bible, and it's something that I'm going to hit her with at my next therapy meeting.  

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 09, 2013, 12:35:19 PM
So it seems like she's made that impression on you as well. Perhaps it's caused from her upbringing. She comes from a middle class family. Good point there about the bible, and it's something that I'm going to hit her with at my next therapy meeting.

Gina:
I'm no expert and not telling you what to do, but..."hit her with the Bible my next therapy meeting" is really not how you need to approach this situation.  You don't need to defend who you are.  GOD is about UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, FORGIVENESS. period.  If your Mom doesn't grasp that concept, all the scripture you can quote to her won't mean a damn thing.  Just sayin.

Quote from: JordanBlue on December 09, 2013, 05:30:07 PM
Gina:
I'm no expert and not telling you what to do, but..."hit her with the Bible at my next therapy meeting" is really not how you need to approach this situation.  You don't need to defend who you are.  GOD is about UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, ACCEPTANCE and FORGIVENESS. Period.  If your Mom doesn't grasp that concept, all the scripture you can quote to her won't mean a damn thing.  Just sayin.

You made me laugh when I read your post JordanBlue.  :icon_lol: I didn't mean to physically hit her with the bible, but metaphorically hit her with my words and make them sting. With my therapist present he'll hear them and he'll defend me to some extent, 'cos he knows the way my mom is. He actually told me last time I saw him that there were a few times that I could have jumped in and said soemthing and he would have allowed it, but I missed my opportunity. This time it'll be no holds barred! Because I've gotta do what's right for me.

She just told me that she still believes that my anger, rage and depression is a result from my accident because it's all dealing with frontal lobe damage, so there is an inkiling in her that will believe that I am transgendered, but it was more caused from my accident than something I was born with.  :) So there may be hope for her yet . . .

As it turns out, my mom holds it over me that she gave up her life to look after me for the six months that I was in the hospital during my accident and now I'm asking her to accept me as her daughter, which she won't do, even though it's all part of the same thing. And she tells me that I'm being selfish???

It really does fascinate me how people do twist and use the Bible how they want to suit themselves. As has been said it's all about love, not hate, and the real stinger - when someone does mess up (Gina you have by no way messed up, this is just an example) - to forgive.

I think the problem most people have with people changing gender relating to religion is God is supposed to have made us all perfectly. To this I always respond about those with a disability or health problem. So a doctors then not supposed to intervene if a baby is born with a health problem that could kill them if they don't? Or to intervene if the child has a lifelong illness that could be 'corrected' and make the child completely healthy?

Quote from: foreversarah on December 10, 2013, 03:46:42 AM
It really does fascinate me how people do twist and use the Bible how they want to suit themselves. As has been said it's all about love, not hate, and the real stinger - when someone does mess up (Gina you have by no way messed up, this is just an example) - to forgive.

I think the problem most people have with people changing gender relating to religion is God is supposed to have made us all perfectly. To this I always respond about those with a disability or health problem. So a doctors then not supposed to intervene if a baby is born with a health problem that could kill them if they don't? Or to intervene if the child has a lifelong illness that could be 'corrected' and make the child completely healthy?

I know exactly what you mean Sarah. My accident was a thing of fate, and my mom feels responsible for it to some respects. It's just fortunate that I came out of it as good as I did. But the thing my mom can't accept is that even though she understands that my brain is all messed up and that I am now thinking more like a woman than a man, she can't accept it, so she wants me to suffer for the rest of my life instead of correcting the problem now, since I now know how.  

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 10, 2013, 07:09:00 AM
... But the thing my mom can't accept is that even though she understands that my brain is all messed up and that I am now thinking more like a woman than a man, she can't accept it, so she wants me to suffer for the rest of my life instead of correcting the problem now, since I now know how.  

While it is *possible* that your mom hates so much she wants you to suffer for the rest of your life, it is unlikely.  More probable is that she is in the denial phase, believing that you don't know what is best for you and that you can't possibly be the way you describe and that eventually you will grow out of it and be her "son" again, like nothing ever happened, and thank her.

We both know this is not going to happen, but it is very likely she doesn't know this yet.  From what you've written about her, she seems very set on her world view and unshakable in her convictions.  Very certain that she knows what is right and best for you (and everyone else)... This is a defense mechanism, just like your male shell was. It will take some time (maybe years) for her to work past this if she can.  Just remember, as you age and mature so will she.

*hug*

Quote from: Robin Mack on December 10, 2013, 08:53:23 AM
While it is *possible* that your mom hates so much she wants you to suffer for the rest of your life, it is unlikely.  More probable is that she is in the denial phase, believing that you don't know what is best for you and that you can't possibly be the way you describe and that eventually you will grow out of it and be her "son" again, like nothing ever happened, and thank her.

We both know this is not going to happen, but it is very likely she doesn't know this yet.  From what you've written about her, she seems very set on her world view and unshakable in her convictions.  Very certain that she knows what is right and best for you (and everyone else)... This is a defense mechanism, just like your male shell was. It will take some time (maybe years) for her to work past this if she can.  Just remember, as you age and mature so will she.

*hug*

Very good analysis Robin. If I were to sit down and tell her that she is in denial of me being a transsexual, she'd probably deny it. Just like last night I told her that my rage, anger and depression is not a result from my accident but a result from my being a transgender and she told me that my father is on the same medication because he's angry as well and he's suffering because of frontal lobe damage like I am. She always seems to have the answers but is she willing to accept the truth? And if this was a phase I was going through, I would have grown out of it a long time ago. For some reason I feel more drawn to it, so I've just accepted it as part of my life, because that's what my brain is telling me.

Now my mom is 78 years of age, and she's looking forward to her death more than life. I tell her that she should be grateful for the days ahead instead of looking at the days for her death. Continuosly she talks about the day that she coould be gone. Believe it or not, I look forward to that day (and without sounding calous), because it would mean more freedom for me to do what I want to do.

*HUGS*

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 09, 2013, 06:37:33 PM
You made me laugh when I read your post JordanBlue.  :icon_lol: I didn't mean to physically hit her with the bible, but metaphorically hit her with my words and make them sting.

Gina:
Yeah, I knew what you meant.  That's still not a good approach.

QuoteShe just told me that she still believes that my anger, rage and depression is a result from my accident because it's all dealing with frontal lobe damage, so there is an inkling in her that will believe that I am transgendered, but it was more caused from my accident than something I was born with.  :) So there may be hope for her yet . . .

Hey...Let her believe whatever she wants.  If she believes you being transgender was caused by the accident, so what?  As long as she accepts that you're trans, does it really matter?  If she still refuses to acknowledge that you're transgender, that's her problem - not yours.   It may sound harsh, but this is good advice...you need to surround yourself with positive people - not NEGATIVE people.  You have to cut the negative stuff loose from your life.  This is a struggle I face daily, but I'm determined to stay positive.

Quote from: JordanBlue on December 10, 2013, 10:02:27 AM
Gina:
Yeah, I knew what you meant.  That's still not a good approach.
Hey...Let her believe whatever she wants.  If she believes you being transgender was caused by the accident, so what?  As long as she accepts that you're trans, does it really matter?  If she still refuses to acknowledge that you're transgender, that's her problem - not yours.   It may sound harsh, but this is good advice...you need to surround yourself with positive people - not NEGATIVE people.  You have to cut the negative stuff loose from your life.  This is a struggle I face daily, but I'm determined to stay positive.

Good advice JordanBlue. I do try to surround myself by positive people. I spent an hour with my friend from the computer store that comes from Thialand on Saturday and she read through this entire thread and she found it very enlightening. And I occasionally see my friend from Wal-mart who works in the jewlery department and I have others that I find that have a positive effect on me, and they don't throw any negativity towards me about what I do, which really helps me out a lot. I just wish that my family would accept me for who I am and leave it at that.

Went and saw my therapist and my mom had a lot to tell him. She showed him my coming out letter and she told him about what I was like 8 years ago, and she couldn't believe that I would be at it again. She told him about my previous therapists and how they all felt that I was delusional, and that this is all a result from the damage done to my frontal lobe of my brain, becasue it would have shown up a lot earlier in my life. Bottom line is that she will not accept me living full time and living in her house, so I figure that the only way that I can do what I want is to reverse myself and go back to occasional cross-dressing as long as she doesn't see it. This will also be acceptable by my sister as long as she doesn't have to explain it to my niece.  :) So at least I'm not at a total lose here. But on a good note is that I can still go out during the day (Mon-Fri) as my True Self and do whatever I want without bothering anyone.  :) Unfortunately I am not allowed to attend the same church, or I must find another church to go to.  :(

What did your therapist have to say about what your mother had to say?

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 10, 2013, 02:15:21 PM
Bottom line is that she will not accept me living full time and living in her house, so I figure that the only way that I can do what I want is to reverse myself and go back to occasional cross-dressing as long as she doesn't see it. This will also be acceptable by my sister as long as she doesn't have to explain it to my niece.  :) So at least I'm not at a total lose here. But on a good note is that I can still go out during the day (Mon-Fri) as my True Self and do whatever I want without bothering anyone.  :) Unfortunately I am not allowed to attend the same church, or I must find another church to go to.

Gina:
And you're really ok with "occasional cross-dressing" ? 
Have you been diagnosed with gender dysphoria?
I'm no expert, but it seems to me, if you did have gender dysphoria, your true self would never be ok with that arrangement.  But hey, it's your life.   And IMHO, that's not a "church", it's a prison.

Quote from: Constance on December 10, 2013, 02:26:19 PM
What did your therapist have to say about what your mother had to say?

He was surprised at a few of the things he heard. But at least I had told him most of what he had heard from her, so it didn't come at too much of a shock to him.  But he either agreed with me or agreed with her. He never really took sides. He more or less played a referee between us. But when ever I mentioned anyone of you, my mom didn't want to hear about it, because she said that she is only concerned with me and not anybody else.

Quote from: JordanBlue on December 10, 2013, 02:30:05 PM
Gina:
And you're really ok with "occasional cross-dressing" ? 
Have you been diagnosed with gender dysphoria?
I'm no expert, but it seems to me, if you did have gender dysphoria, your true self would never be ok with that arrangement.  But hey, it's your life.   And IMHO, that's not a "church", it's a prison.

I'll have to be satisfied with it until I can move out and be on my own again. And yes, one of my therapist had diagnosed me with gender dysphoria. Thanks for your concern about the church, but like I said, I can get just as much from staying at home and reading the bible as I can from going to church and listening to a pastor .

The choices I make are only for the best of me. My mom was talking with my sister, and she has agreed that I can move in with her as long as I keep to my promise that I'll only cross-dress occassionally and that my niece will not be exposed to it. Her concern is trying to explain to her the differences between her uncle and who the woman is.

My mom has also been talking with my cousin, who I had sent my coming out letter to back in October, and she thinks I'm confused. At first she thought I wanted to start HRT and have SRS done, but I cleared that confusion up quickly, and she still thinks that I'm confused. ???

Last night I was working on my computer when suddenly my mom comes in and tells me that she hopes that I will not be going to church dressed, for if I do, she may kill me! :o So I tell her that I won't because she's told me that her church means so much to her and that it's the only thing that is keeping her here. Five minutes later, she comes back and appologizes for the remark about killing me, but I'm sure that if I were to go dressed, she may do soemthing drastic. So it looks like she's forced my hand to find another church if I want to continue listening to a pastor. Being in a bible belt, I have others I can choose from.  :angel:

Quote from: Gina Taylor on December 13, 2013, 02:07:14 AM
Last night I was working on my computer when suddenly my mom comes in and tells me that she hopes that I will not be going to church dressed, for if I do, she may kill me! :o So I tell her that I won't because she's told me that her church means so much to her and that it's the only thing that is keeping her here. Five minutes later, she comes back and apologizes for the remark about killing me, but I'm sure that if I were to go dressed, she may do something drastic. So it looks like she's forced my hand to find another church if I want to continue listening to a pastor. Being in a bible belt, I have others I can choose from.  :angel:

Gina:
???  I just don't get it.  Why do you continue to subject yourself to this?  The solution is pretty obvious.

I know that the solution is pretty obvious. I'm just bidding my time. I recieved a very nice E-mail today and my TG friend is very interested in me moving in with her, so it's just a matter of going over things, and finding the right place for us to live in, and this girl is gone  :icon_wave:>>>  

If I may say so, Gina, that's a disgusting comment for your mum to make, and again, she still seems rather selfish. Though you can be the bigger person and the REAL Christian and show forgiveness.

His also an interesting verse from 1 Timothy 5:8: 'But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.'

Quote from: foreversarah on December 14, 2013, 07:50:29 AM
If I may say so, Gina, that's a disgusting comment for your mum to make, and again, she still seems rather selfish. Though you can be the bigger person and the REAL Christian and show forgiveness.

His also an interesting verse from 1 Timothy 5:8: 'But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.'

I know Sarah that it wasn't right for her to say it. She thinks she's trying to hurt me. But in the end, she's just huting herself and only God will deal with it.

Thank you very much for bringing that bible verse to mind. If she gets out of line again, I'll recite it to her.  ;D Right now I'm making plans with a good friend and member of Susan's on moving in with her. Everything will work out for the best of us.  :)

Quote from: foreversarah on December 14, 2013, 07:50:29 AM
Interesting verse from 1 Timothy 5:8: 'But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.'

I sent my mom an e-mail this mornning suggesting that she read that vesre and see how it relates to her. She came back at me and told me that she's provided for me ever since I was born till now. I couldn't deny it unfortunately . . . She really had me there.  :(

Doesn't mean it should stop. The love should be unconditional.

Quote from: foreversarah on December 16, 2013, 11:34:06 AM
Doesn't mean it should stop. The love should be unconditional.

She was trying to prove to me that she has been there to provide for me and has been there for love for me, but there are some things that I do question though, and I do plan to get an honest answer from her very soon.